What if we could really be true to our nature. What a huge challenge that would be, in this ever so compromised world of friends, lovers, expectations, convention, religion, society, parents, recriminations, police, media, advertising and I could go on ad infinitum. I think of Rene DesCartes who tried (as best as I can recall from my Intro to Philosophy Class a million years ago) to eliminate all distractions and arrive at an irrefutable truth. Cogito Ergo Sum, 'I think, therefore I am'. His unquestionable truth was that he was thinking. My truth at the moment, is that I'm compromised. Hmmmm interesting word, let's look it up.
Aside from the commonly understood meaning of making concessions to reach an accord, there's also this. 'transitive verb: expose somebody or something to danger: to expose somebody or something to danger or disgrace'
Yep, that's the one.... I've got this feeling that I'm in danger of being disgraced. Both are there, danger and disgrace.
But why, Rich? You're on the 'trip of a lifetime' (allegedly), having all these experiences blah blah blah. What could be disgraceful or dangerous about living a life that you choose? Isn't that the goal after all? To thine own self be true? Haven't you referred to that Shakespearean line as the truest description of your philosophy?
Uh yes I have. The feeling of foreboding I get is when I find myself wanting to censor my thoughts before committing them to the blog. I've got a million things going on in my head that prevent me from being totally up front about my experience. If I say that I'm falling for this woman, here come the red flags. 'Don't be stupid, Rich Are you insane?' If I think about sticking around Chiang Mai to see where it goes, 'I thought you were going to travel around SE Asia, put some miles on, see a lot of cultures, share your experiences with us'. Besides, you know your history with women. (cue the 'shame music') You know how you are, you know what you do, Who do you think you're fooling?
All of the voices are in there and they start to circle the drain. 'I sink, therefore I am?'
Gee where did this headache spring up from? I feel it starting above my neck.
OK I know, I need God, or is it Jesus, or maybe Kabbala, how bout the Buddha? Maybe a clean stream of prana to cleanse and rujuvenate the spirit, rather than get into the sinkhole of swirling thoughts.
I go back to that Buddha conversation from a few days ago with the Turkish guy in Pai. His point was that it's about observing the thoughts, not willing them in a certain direction, just observing them and separating from their control. That approach is ringing true at the moment. I watch them, watch my reactions to the mind trip, then keep going inside to feel what I'm feeling, sense what I'm sensing. That's been my mantra on this camino. I literally do not know from one day to the next where I will lay my head that night. All I know is that I will check inside and take my cues from there.
Something funny just happened behind me. This young guy with a French accent just said something about Ram Dass, (spiritual teacher who popularized the phrase 'Be Here Now') which dovetails exactly with the way I'm thinking at this moment. Wow, what a coincidence. I turned around to say something, and realized he was talking about his upcoming Thai boxing match tomorrow and he said 'Roundhouse' as in roundhouse kick to a guy's head. I see God is having a laugh at my expense.... Not laughing at me, laughing with me. Good one, creator!
And now it's a new moment, brain has moved on from shame and recrimination. Moment to moment, que mas quieres? (what more do you want?) The sun is shining, I'm safe and alive. Breath in, breath out Ommmm
