Since M had a day off yesterday and didn't have to work until 3am, we made a plan to get up early and make a visit to the Buddhist Temple near Chiang Mai gate, at the southern edge of the old city. It's something she's been wanting to do, and as it's still close to the New Year, it seemed like a good idea to start the year off with a prayerful visit. On the way, we stopped at a store where we picked up some baskets of goodies, an offering to the monks. Along with the gift baskets, we got a couple of envelopes in which to place a cash donation. (this religion stuff can get expensive, thought the New york Jew:-)
Each of us put 100 Baht ($3.33) in the envelopes and M wrote our names in Thai on the outside, because the monk would bless us by name as part of the ceremony. She wrote my name in Thai characters, and it was kind of a trip to hear the Monk pronounce it perfectly by reading it in Thai. (who knew?). M was dressed as conservatively as I've seen her, a long sleeved shirt, and a pair of pinstriped capri pants, rather than her more customary short shorts and skimpier top. I was in my daily get up of camo shorts and a tee shirt. She said it's fine for a man, but a woman needs to cover up some.
We removed our sandals and walked in to the small temple. A woman was on her knees in front of an orange clad monk (who was also kneeling). She was receiving the blessing that he was offering. Toward the end, she poured water from a flask into a bowl, and shortly after that, the monk dipped a frond into some water and flicked it several times in her direction, showering drops on her as she remained in prayer pose, hands together in front of her heart. We were on the side as this was occurring, and when she was finished, we walked on our knees to take our place in front of the monk, a young man, maybe thirty years old.
We placed our baskets and envelopes alongside him, and he read the names, (including the name of our friend Manuel who had walked with us to the temple and made an offering as well. Manny chose not to go in, 'I'm not a practicing Buddhist', he said, and he was reluctant to write his full name on the envelope, as he's a 'wanted man'. ('Manuel' isn't his real name either BTW). But he wrote his correct name on the envelope, first and last, and that seems kind of poignant somehow, as even though he wasn't there, his name was blessed by the monk, and he was offered a year of health and ease and all good things. May it be so...
And may it be so for us as well, as we knelt in front of the monk, heard his incantation, heard our names, poured the water into the bowl, got sprinkled in turn, bowed low several times at the end, and then made our way back from whence we had come. M took the bowl of water which we had poured from the flask, and made her way to a lovely tree in the middle of the yard, knelt down, offered a silent prayer, and offered the water to the tree. As we put our sandals back on and left the grounds, I asked her about the water, what did it represent?
Pouring the water into the bowl is a representation of our shortcomings, our failings, the stuff we messed up. We offer it up and let it go away, and then are open to receiving the positive water which is splashed on us. And then pouring it on the tree is a way to connect with the ancestors, M's parents who have passed away, her brother and a niece who are also gone. They can receive the nourishment and connection from beyond the grave, and it's a way to keep the relationships alive. (That's my best summing up of what I gleaned from her)
We both felt renewed and glad for the visit, and we went to a vegetarian restaurant in the neighborhood to have a bite and celebrate together. Nice place, super cheap and delicious, I had some noodles and vegetable melange, both delicious, for about 85 cents total. M had her customary noodle soup with vegies and fake meat this time, for the same price. I've been eating a lot of meat here, and this place seems like a great alternative. I will return. She's now resting back at her room while I came to do a little writing, and then we'll hook up for a little one on one before her shift starts at 4:30. We're getting along very well lately,,,, interesting.
Last night we had a moment that could have gone south quickly, but we hung in with each other and turned it into something beautiful. We were on our way home from the Sunday market, I was tired after having danced tango while M was getting a massage, I had had enough of crowds, was looking forward to stretching out and going to sleep. Up ahead there was a group of M's friends, some of whom I knew, good people, they were having some beers at an outdoor table. Of course they wanted us to join them, and when M said, OK, just for one beer, I didn't take it well. Sunday is her day to not drink (allegedly), but that tends to get trumped by, 'these are my friends', 'but it's a party' whatever... I had a negative reaction, and I said,'you stay, I'll meet you back at the Guest House'. I didn't make any kind of a scene, but I suppose it was obvious that I wasn't into it. I continued on my way, rounded the corner, then stopped.... to see if she was coming with, I suppose. And a minute or so later, here she came, looking unhappy with me, 'why did I have to do that?' Why did I have to put a damper on that group of friends, who knew that we were now having some kind of problem.
I stayed where I was, wanting to talk about it, but she wanted to go back to the place...'I know you're tired'. I said, no, let's talk but she didn't want to. I said, we should go back to the group and just visit, but she's like, 'no the moment is gone, I've lost face, let's go home' She started heading away, I stayed wanting to work it through. an impasse.... After a couple of minutes, I started heading back to the group, which I knew would make M nervous, but I felt like I needed to apologize and just do it my way this time.
I got back and said that I was sorry for the way I treated that moment, and they were of course understanding and supportive. (The group was 5 Thais and two Farang, those two are dear friends and supporters of M). They said they understood perfectly, and no problem whatsoever. It felt good to make that connection, and I stayed for a couple of minutes, then continued on, only to find that M had come back toward the group (obviously wanting to see what the hell I was up to:-). I said, let's go back there and she was still reluctant. 'I know you're tired, I know you don't want to'
It was very hard for her to accept the fact that I'm open to change, that I highly value this very type of interaction, the kind where I can screw it up, and then try to make it better. It's part of my '5th principle... willingness to change', and yes, I'm willing.
It took some coaxing on my part, it was really hard for her to accept the fact that yes, I was willing to admit I was wrong, yes, let's go have a beer with your friends, yes, let's work it out. And we went back to the group, and it was good, and she finally started to believe that it was OK, and now there is some laughter, and good cheer and toasts for a happy new year. I let her lead in a lot of things, and this is one time where I figured that it was time for me to lead, do it Oregon style, communicate, work it through, rather than trudge unhappily away. There was plenty of resistance on her part, even disbelief, but I feel like I knew what I was doing, and I wasn't going to be deterred this time. And we're feeling closer as a result. One of those 'small things that is maybe a big thing'. I'm feeling good about her, about the temple, about me. 'Coming around to gratitude', like the song says... :-)
