I struggled a fair amount on the southern swing of this trip. It was mostly internal, though a sore back didn't help things all that much. And the source of the struggle is more or less an existential issue, as in 'What the fuck am I doing here, anyway"? I don't really have a good answer for that at the moment, but on some level, the questioning and the discomfort often can lead to something, I don't know, educational, refreshing, deep. But uh, not yet.
I have definitely been here before, out on the road, wondering what the hell, and I guess that's part of my make up, finding that lonely place and making it through to something else. Joseph Campbell talked about the Hero's Journey, well at the moment, I'm on the Zero's Journey. And it's OK
I was scuffling around on Koh Tao, which is the scuba diving destination for Thailand. Many many competing outfits have driven the price down to where it's a great location to take the 4 day open water certification course. It costs a little under $300 and when you arrive on the island, the touts are literally shouting at you to check out their place, free accommodation for the 4 days, here here, taxi taxi, scuba scuba. I thought about it once or twice and realized that I'm just not interested in that particular pursuit. I experienced it in the Bahamas a couple of times and I hated what it did to my ears.
So I did some walking and swimming on the island, didn't really connect much except with a young guy I met who was learning bass guitar and I showed him some stuff and we jammed a couple of times. But my mood was mostly less-than-stellar, disconnected and sad. My last evening there, we stopped playing at 7:40pm and I realized that if I wanted to reserve a ferry and bus ticket to Bangkok for the next day, I had to do it by 8. I had been talking with this travel agent person in the town, a nice Burmese woman who had been quite helpful and I wanted her to have the business, so I got it in my head to hustle over there and just do it, get off the island, start something else. Trouble was, I was about 25 minutes walk away from where she was so I started jogging with my guitar and uncomfortable sandals that were ripping up my feet a bit. I passed probably 20 places where I could have bought the ticket, but I wanted her business to get the commission.
So there's the old backpacker hotfooting it down the road, going as fast as his wheezing, sore backed, sore footed, guitar carrying body would carry him (oh yeah, it was a pretty sight), but at least it was something purposeful. I made it a couple of minutes after 8, but she said no problem, made the call, made the reservation for the following morning. (she also turned the fan on and aimed it at me, seeing my sweat soaked body) And then she tried to book me a train ticket up to Chiang Mai on the night train, which was sold out. There were seats available, but 12 hours is too long, so the best option is a sleeping berth.... sold out. It's high season, things are filling up. So I figured, I've been living on the cheap, sharing a room, let's splurge on a plane ticket, Bangkok to Chiang Mai... under $90 hell yes, let's do it.
It took awhile to print out the ticket for some reason, and she ended up staying open 30 minutes later than she should have, just to accommodate me. It was above and beyond, and I gave her a 200 Baht tip ($7) which she tried to refuse. I insisted and she accepted and said, 'This is what I earn in one day". I said, 'I know, thank you very much, I really appreciate your help'. It felt right.
Caught the boat, then a 7 hour bus ride up to Bangkok, not bad. It dropped us into the heart of Khao San Road, the backpacker, western-friendly mecca which is like a sweltering Times Square of hustlers, touts, street vendors, bars, tourists, quite the nightly carnival. It was great to know where I was, find my way back to the place I had stayed before, yes there was a single room with fan, shared bathroom, $8 and I was set. There is something satisfying about knowing where you are, kind of like that 'rat brain' which knows all the pathways. I've got that kind of brain, and it was pleasurable to find my way. thought about going out and experiencing it some, but I was tired and called it a night. Right move.
Some musical friends are getting together for a Christmas Eve party tonight, and there's gonna be a free buffet. I had told them I couldn't make it, but with the new itinerary, I'm gonna be there, surprise!. Sometimes you just need some friends and familiar faces to make it through, and this is clearly one of those times. In an hour, I'm taking a van to the airport and getting on a flight, and it feels good. Looking forward to seeing friends, drinking one of Noi's delicious cappuccinos, swimming in the pool at the Royal Guest House (assuming there is a room available) and seeing if I can find that creative muse which has so far eluded me. I've made a couple of fitful attempts at creating something musically but haven't really hit yet. Not quite enough focus, given my negative head space.
The weather will be noticeably cooler up there than the sweltering heat down here. I'm looking forward to the next chapter. And the ones after that too. I have to find a way to make it out of the tourist bubble which is so comfortable, yet ultimately unsatisfying. Yeah I can have my little vacation, write my little songs, but I have a need to crack the bubble somehow and get more real with this place. To be continued.
