I just have a few minutes here at the guest house internet station to check in with the blog, before going and waking up M so she can shower, eat something and then join me on the 5 hour trip back to Chiang Mai. Me, I'm showered, cappuccino'd, dressed and into my day (though I do need to pack my pack and make a 'meditation' stop before boarding the bus. 'Meditation' is code for uh, oh never mind, I have to make a meditation stop, OK?
We had a great little sojourn together, lots of quality time, closeness, one hiccup along the way that was short lived, but a wonderful window out of Chiang Mai nonetheless. Sukothai is an ancient kingdom and Buddhist center in north central Thailand, a Unesco 'World Heritage Sight' because of spectacular temple ruins over a tract of several square miles. We got rolling early yesterday, rented bicycles for a dollar a day and started exploring.
It took us a little while to find a tourism rhythm with one another, she is pretty independent and I felt a little bit powerless as she was snapping a bunch of pictures, not really communicating, kinda doing her own thing... which is cool with me, but just say something like, 'I want to take a bunch of pictures' rather than just go off and leave me hanging... It's a communication thing mostly. So I said something about it, which she took badly and we had our hiccup, her bumming out, getting that look in her eye, the unhappy 'what's the use' one. Then she'll say something like, 'Fine, I'll follow you, whatever you want', (as if that's what I wanted, which it isn't). We ended up sitting down, in front of a little pond, she unhappy, 'I don't know what to do' and she started crying, which is very unusual for her to let it go like that. And I immediately held her and opened up my heart, and that was the end of the struggle. Something got released, the energy moved and we had a wonderful day from that moment on....
We tagged along with a couple of tour groups, learning some stuff, we rode to 'the Big Buddha', a 50 foot high statue in a temple a couple of miles away from the main area, where we got on our knees and prayed. It was part of the plan for this trip south... pray at the Big Buddha. We took pictures, spent about 5 hours in tourism mode, bought some souveniers, but mostly just enjoyed being boyfriend, girlfriend on the road. We had a nice meal for dinner, Tom Kha Gai soup, papays salad, mixed vegetables, ate some great home made ice cream, had some more food later, no beers, just a cigarette or two, so pretty healthy living... I guess the best part was getting to spend a full day together with no 'I have to go to work' pressure as part of the mix. She's happy as am I. But of course, now it's time to go back to work, after a 5 hour bus trip north. I have a student at 4 and a gig at 9. She's got her 'ladies night' shift beginning at 4:30. But for a brief spell, we get to just hang out and enjoy life. Which we did...
On the Road Again....
Five hour bus ride south to Sukhothai, world heritage sight, ruins from the 13th Century that are accessed on a mellow bike ride through what looks like parkland. We found a nice clean guest house for $10, are ready to call it a day and then rent bikes in the morning. Really nice to be on the road with M, it's a wonderful change of pace.
Had some street food for dinner as there are many booths along the side of the road where the largely Thai clientele get their 'take away' (rather than 'to go'). There are some Farang here but a small percentile, and it's nice to be traveling with a Thai woman, letting her do the negotiations, me basically hanging out with not a huge opinion on most things (as if)
I'll write more after tomorrows sightseeing. Feels like time to crash out after not enough sleep last night. But on the topic, and yes, I know that I've written about numerous 'best nights ever' at the CU Corner, but last night was the best night ever. I had heard about this Russian guy, Vladimir (nickname Vova), but had never met him. He's a slight, slender, ratty bearded looking guy, looks around 26, turns out he's in his mid-40s, and a nice musician. He came to play with Apple last night, as did I, as did Mad Mike, a 50 something American living in Denmark who blows great harmonica and sings well. Vova got down the electric guitar off the wall and we were a smoking quartet.
I know Apple's material and arrangements by now, so that lets me really cut loose and jam on the bass, and with three other pro-caliber players to bounce off of, it was amazingly fun. We drew an enthusiastic crowd who hung out til Jeff pulled the plug at 1am. My friend Michael was in the audience and he said it looked like I was 'ecstatic'. That's about right, we were cooking, great dance music though it's not a venue for dancing.... A nice way to leave town with that in my memory...
More later
Had some street food for dinner as there are many booths along the side of the road where the largely Thai clientele get their 'take away' (rather than 'to go'). There are some Farang here but a small percentile, and it's nice to be traveling with a Thai woman, letting her do the negotiations, me basically hanging out with not a huge opinion on most things (as if)
I'll write more after tomorrows sightseeing. Feels like time to crash out after not enough sleep last night. But on the topic, and yes, I know that I've written about numerous 'best nights ever' at the CU Corner, but last night was the best night ever. I had heard about this Russian guy, Vladimir (nickname Vova), but had never met him. He's a slight, slender, ratty bearded looking guy, looks around 26, turns out he's in his mid-40s, and a nice musician. He came to play with Apple last night, as did I, as did Mad Mike, a 50 something American living in Denmark who blows great harmonica and sings well. Vova got down the electric guitar off the wall and we were a smoking quartet.
I know Apple's material and arrangements by now, so that lets me really cut loose and jam on the bass, and with three other pro-caliber players to bounce off of, it was amazingly fun. We drew an enthusiastic crowd who hung out til Jeff pulled the plug at 1am. My friend Michael was in the audience and he said it looked like I was 'ecstatic'. That's about right, we were cooking, great dance music though it's not a venue for dancing.... A nice way to leave town with that in my memory...
More later
Under the table... (teaching, not drinking)
I taught three students today at the Guest House, each one different, a nice way to spend a few hours by the pool. Dave (65 from USA, living in Thailand) is working on writing a song, and he needed some ideas for how to open it up a bit and get away from just three chords. I gave him a bunch of possibilities to mess around with; here's how you could use the relative minor, here's what it would sound like to go to the lll chord minor a la 'Suzanne takes you down...', here's what you could do with the flat V11 chord to the 1Vchord to the 1chord, here's how it could sound if you use the minor 1V chord to resolve back home a la In My Life (Beatles) Stuff like that and he ate it up. If you don't know it, it's like, 'WOW'. If you do know it, it's standard issue songwriting, but someone needs to turn you onto it, and then you know... Dominic (62 from Canada, now living here) is a pretty good player who likes that old time stuff, but isn't yet comfortable with the use of the diminished chord, so I gave him two songs to work on: Paper Moon and Cheek to Cheek, both great songs with fairly challenging progressions, but stuff he can handle. He loved it and can't wait to go home and get comfortable with the material. Clo (25 from France, living in Scotland) is a beginner who is starting to finger pick and is very motivated to be a guitar player. It's great to work with different people and to get the equivalent of 3 days pay for a few hours by the pool. Crazy.
Pretty good night gigging in the bar last night, best song turned out to be 'Up on Cripple Creek' by the Band, as some guys stepped forward to belt out some harmonies and we got pretty funky with it. I'm also loving 'You Don't Know Me' which also sounded great. 'Talent Show' is part of the set as well, digging that song. Bhang Lassie gets a great response every time as well. Jeff has us playing the early part of the night, which is fine, but the stuff we're doing is way more interesting and swinging than what comes after, but hey, it doesn't matter, happy to have the gigs.
M and I had a really nice day today, including getting up early to go and get bus tickets for tomorrow's 5 hour ride to Sukhothai. Then we came back, she slept, I taught, had a little visit in the middle of the afternoon, some food, coffee and off she goes to work. Such is the rhythm. I'll be in the bar late tonight playing bass for Apple's set, then get out of there by 1am to get some sleep. She'll follow when her shift ends around 3am, get some sleep and we'll be on a bus at 12:45 pm heading south. Looking forward to something different.
Back still bothering me periodically, and I realize it has something to do with playing guitar, it's putting some kind of stress there when I play, so I'll need to get that figured out (as well as massaged). I'm getting more massages during this period of time than I've had in the rest of my life to date, and that is clearly one of the perks of living here. It's a beautiful thing, and hey, if I can help the local economy, it would be selfish of me to refuse, right?
Well it's 6:30pm, beginning to get dark, the weather is perfect (again) it's great to be in northern Thailand. And off we go....
Pretty good night gigging in the bar last night, best song turned out to be 'Up on Cripple Creek' by the Band, as some guys stepped forward to belt out some harmonies and we got pretty funky with it. I'm also loving 'You Don't Know Me' which also sounded great. 'Talent Show' is part of the set as well, digging that song. Bhang Lassie gets a great response every time as well. Jeff has us playing the early part of the night, which is fine, but the stuff we're doing is way more interesting and swinging than what comes after, but hey, it doesn't matter, happy to have the gigs.
M and I had a really nice day today, including getting up early to go and get bus tickets for tomorrow's 5 hour ride to Sukhothai. Then we came back, she slept, I taught, had a little visit in the middle of the afternoon, some food, coffee and off she goes to work. Such is the rhythm. I'll be in the bar late tonight playing bass for Apple's set, then get out of there by 1am to get some sleep. She'll follow when her shift ends around 3am, get some sleep and we'll be on a bus at 12:45 pm heading south. Looking forward to something different.
Back still bothering me periodically, and I realize it has something to do with playing guitar, it's putting some kind of stress there when I play, so I'll need to get that figured out (as well as massaged). I'm getting more massages during this period of time than I've had in the rest of my life to date, and that is clearly one of the perks of living here. It's a beautiful thing, and hey, if I can help the local economy, it would be selfish of me to refuse, right?
Well it's 6:30pm, beginning to get dark, the weather is perfect (again) it's great to be in northern Thailand. And off we go....
Immigration situation....
Well, it was time to make a decision or two, since my two month stay was coming to an end in a couple of days. The options were to leave the country, or go to immigration here in Chiang Mai and apply for a one month extension. I was kinda waiting to see where things were at between M and I, as she is a large part of the story for me here. And once again, we found it within us to stay with it, in this case it was her making a move in my direction, which apparently is unusual for her. She said,'I never do this', referring to the idea that once things go south for her, that's it, she's gone. And I've had the same reaction over the weeks and months, surprising myself by wanting to go back for more. Is it maturity or co-dependence? (discuss...) Probably a little bit of both actually....
I got a good tip from an AA friend of mine who saw my behavior in the previous post as classic Al Anon material. He said that one of the things you learn in Al Anon is to never get between an alcoholic and the alcohol, which is exactly what I was doing. (If you love me, you won't have that next beer). Somehow I knew it was a losing philosophy, but whatever ego or self-importance or need I had seemed to win out... with predictable results. Once again I see that when I want to make it all about her, it's often all about me. (the pot called the kettle metal). And M lied when put in that situation, but the fault was not only hers.
So live and learn, and there is a lot of both going on these days. I still think it's worth the investment of time and energy to be here, to be part of this scene, teaching students, playing gigs, working stuff out with M, experiencing the emotional swings (and misses) (baseball analogy). We had a night apart, a conversation the next day, some new depth of understanding, and on we go.... (today:-)
And there is some stuff in the offing, as she asked for and got a day off this coming Monday so we could take a little road trip for the first time together. There is a place a few hours south of here called Sukhothai which has ruins, lots of history and a famous giant Buddha statue which M would love to visit. She's never been there so on Sunday we'll take a bus ride, get a room for a couple of nights and see the sights. It sounds phenomenal to break up the routine, see some new places, rent bikes or scooters, tour around and get to hang out without the inevitable 'I have to work' as part of the equation.
In order to make it happen, I had to extend my visa today, Friday, so I grabbed my passport, some reading material and money, figuring it could be an all-day slog over at immigration. Got some advice from a friend Toby... (when you get there, go immediately to your right to get a number, before filling out the forms etc. Then go back behind the building to get your documents copied and a photo taken. By the time you're done, you'll have saved half an hour or so). I did it, and when I got back, my number was actually being called. Had to race through filling in the form, got it done, signed some papers, paid the $70 and was out of there within 40 minutes. Amazing!. Walked the few miles back to town feeling pretty spry about it all. Got a gig tonight at CU, a student tomorrow morning, a road trip the following day and permission to be in Thailand until Feb 28. Then I'll have a week before flying out of Bangkok, so that will be the window to go and see Angkor Wat and Phnom Penh most likely... though who can say?
I got a good tip from an AA friend of mine who saw my behavior in the previous post as classic Al Anon material. He said that one of the things you learn in Al Anon is to never get between an alcoholic and the alcohol, which is exactly what I was doing. (If you love me, you won't have that next beer). Somehow I knew it was a losing philosophy, but whatever ego or self-importance or need I had seemed to win out... with predictable results. Once again I see that when I want to make it all about her, it's often all about me. (the pot called the kettle metal). And M lied when put in that situation, but the fault was not only hers.
So live and learn, and there is a lot of both going on these days. I still think it's worth the investment of time and energy to be here, to be part of this scene, teaching students, playing gigs, working stuff out with M, experiencing the emotional swings (and misses) (baseball analogy). We had a night apart, a conversation the next day, some new depth of understanding, and on we go.... (today:-)
And there is some stuff in the offing, as she asked for and got a day off this coming Monday so we could take a little road trip for the first time together. There is a place a few hours south of here called Sukhothai which has ruins, lots of history and a famous giant Buddha statue which M would love to visit. She's never been there so on Sunday we'll take a bus ride, get a room for a couple of nights and see the sights. It sounds phenomenal to break up the routine, see some new places, rent bikes or scooters, tour around and get to hang out without the inevitable 'I have to work' as part of the equation.
In order to make it happen, I had to extend my visa today, Friday, so I grabbed my passport, some reading material and money, figuring it could be an all-day slog over at immigration. Got some advice from a friend Toby... (when you get there, go immediately to your right to get a number, before filling out the forms etc. Then go back behind the building to get your documents copied and a photo taken. By the time you're done, you'll have saved half an hour or so). I did it, and when I got back, my number was actually being called. Had to race through filling in the form, got it done, signed some papers, paid the $70 and was out of there within 40 minutes. Amazing!. Walked the few miles back to town feeling pretty spry about it all. Got a gig tonight at CU, a student tomorrow morning, a road trip the following day and permission to be in Thailand until Feb 28. Then I'll have a week before flying out of Bangkok, so that will be the window to go and see Angkor Wat and Phnom Penh most likely... though who can say?
Prescient?
More twists and turns along the way, something feels a bit different today....
Yesterday's post was entitled 'House of Cards' and it was about the fragile nature of relationships here in Thailand, how quickly the sands can change. And then last night we had yet another incident, a minor one at that, but maybe not as minor as it seemed. As I say, it feels a little different today.
M and I get along great, and the only thing we seem to clash on is 'alcohol', she likes it, I don't. Though of course, there is a part of her that wants to stop, 'of course' she'll say from time to time, and 'she can stop when she wants to', I've heard that a lot. Whether or not she's an 'alcoholic' has been a question in my mind over the time we've been together; is it situational, the fact that she's working in a bar, or is it really a fundamental part of her make up?
Normally she'll come over after work, 5 or so beers in, and she's certainly coherent, 'not drunk', but I can tell that she's doing her best to act straight. She'd like to giggle or whatever, but she tries to play it sober. But last night, something happened that was different, she lied to my face for the first time, and that doesn't really cut it, as far as I'm concerned. It's that 'integrity piece' which I count on her for, which I prize heavily, and if that's not gonna be there, uh, could be time to split.
We had had a great day together, and as part of it, I once again brought up the 'are you willing to try' conversation, in this case, 'could you keep it to 3 beers for the night?' For me, it has to do with 'if you love me, as you say you do, if you want to 'take care' of me, as you say you do, well, the way to take care of me is to not be drinking heavily when we're gonna be together'. She doesn't drink during the day ever, but work is a different thing. She said that OK she'd have only 3 beers.
I played all night at the bar, kinda kept tabs on her consumption, she was doing good and then it's late and here comes beer number 4. I asked her about it and she was like 'you can see I'm not drunk, I'm working hard etc'. I say, so that's it then, no more after that? And she intimates that number 5 is on the way. But you said three, and now it's four. Will you please stop. She agreed, with some reluctance. A few of us were sitting around at the end of the night, M is washing the glasses behind the bar, and I notice that she's got another beer going. I go back and say, what's this? She said her boss bought it for her for Chinese New Year, and I'm like 'WTF!' though I didn't say that or raise my voice, but was definitely unhappy about it.
I went to the boss, Dow, and asked to speak with her outside for a second. She and I have a good relationship, and I wanted to ask her, why would you be buying her drinks when you know she's got a drinking problem? Dow said she didn't buy her the drink, M had asked her to open the bottle for her as her hands were wet from the dishes. So it was a lie, it was a way to get that 5th beer which apparently took precedence over whatever agreement she had made with me.
And yes, I know it's apples and oranges, or perhaps mangos and beers, the two sides of the equation don't have much to do with one another when addiction is on one of the sides. For me to expect her to stop her drinking in order to make me happy is a bit of a fool's game, or at least deluded on my part, because it doesn't work like that. She can 'try' (one of her favorite words), but that word has a built in excuse, 'hey, I tried...' but when it comes to drinking, there's some kind of need or pathology or other deep seated motivation that trumps whatever little agreements we might try to make. I get that. But hey, what am I supposed to do? Got to 'try' something (he said ironically)
I think relationships are hard enough between two people, and when you add a third character like 'alcohol' or alcoholism to the mix, all bets are off. The agreements and negotiations and plans that one makes with one's partner become 'inoperative' to recall Ron Ziegler's characterization of Nixon's er lies on the subject of Watergate.
And for the first time, my honest Thai Girlfriend, 'I tell the truth' 'I never lie to you' was cought in a lie, around alcohol, not surprisingly. And I could ignore it or let it go, or not be too put out by it, she wasn't 'drunk' after all, she was maintaining just fine, it could have been fine back at my place after the shift, but there's something about honesty that is at the heart of what we've got going here, and the fact that she would lie to me and say, 'hey my boss bought me this drink' as a way to justify changing the game, uh, that's a serious breach for me. I quietly said, that 'I'll sleep alone tonight' and took off, feeling OK actually, not too put out, not too worried that she'll go to the bar and get hammered, or call her ex or whatever, and not too holier than thou either, but something shifted for me.
I think I 'get' that yeah, she is alcoholic, and I suppose I would define that as the 'alcohol trumps the agreements' between you and the one you 'love' (allegedly), though yes, I do believe that she loves me. And I think that I was naive to hope that she could cut down on her consumption to give me what I need. She did on some occassions, felt good about herself, I felt good about her, it's better when she's sober or close to it. And I certainly don't want to be her monitor or house arrest officer, but I guess there's an element of that if I can't hack her drinking as much as she'd want to. Not a good situation. Not a stable situation.
You could make the case that I'm looking for an exit strategy, that my own fear of commitment will find a good justification for getting out, moving on, and maybe there is some truth to that. I've got fears about my long term ability to maintain a relationship, so perhaps this is a good way for me to rationalize a departure, 'I can't trust her any more, she's an alcoholic etc' (it's not my fault?). I think it's definitely worth considering that scenario, maybe I set it all up to make myself the OK one. So I have that as part of the mix. Hard to know how the pie is divided.
But I feel pretty OK today, not desperate or needy or much of anything, just watching the drama unfold. And interestingly, I have a visa situation to deal with by the 29th of this month, 5 days away. If I want to stay in Thailand, I'd need to apply at the embassy for a 30 day extension of my visa, costs about $70, well worth it if I want to be here. Or if it's time to move out, I just cross the border into another adventure, I'm thinking Siem Riep, Cambodia, the home of the amazing Angkor Wat temple complex which is some kind of other-worldly fantasy land from a thousand years ago. The photos are mind-boggling and I've got the urge to head in that direction if I leave Thailand.
Speaking of $70 (2000 Baht), I had taken that amount and put it in a red envelope as a Chinese New Year gift to M, put it under the sheet for her to find when she got into bed last night (after her 3 beer night, sabes?) Ya know, you take care of me, I take care of you sort of thing. So when I came home alone after our little incident, I opened the envelope, put the money back in my wallet, threw away the 'I love you' card and went to sleep. I'm not throwing away the 'I love you', but for some reason I persist in the idea that we need to 'take care of each other', in the way that the other needs. Deluded? Probably... OK definitely...
There ya go, telenovela fans, enjoy. And I leave this post with the realization that I'm quite calm about it all (at this moment, anythow) If things go a certain way, OK, if they go a different way, OK. Perhaps it's that 'middle path' that the Buddhists talk about. Not too high, not too low...
Yesterday's post was entitled 'House of Cards' and it was about the fragile nature of relationships here in Thailand, how quickly the sands can change. And then last night we had yet another incident, a minor one at that, but maybe not as minor as it seemed. As I say, it feels a little different today.
M and I get along great, and the only thing we seem to clash on is 'alcohol', she likes it, I don't. Though of course, there is a part of her that wants to stop, 'of course' she'll say from time to time, and 'she can stop when she wants to', I've heard that a lot. Whether or not she's an 'alcoholic' has been a question in my mind over the time we've been together; is it situational, the fact that she's working in a bar, or is it really a fundamental part of her make up?
Normally she'll come over after work, 5 or so beers in, and she's certainly coherent, 'not drunk', but I can tell that she's doing her best to act straight. She'd like to giggle or whatever, but she tries to play it sober. But last night, something happened that was different, she lied to my face for the first time, and that doesn't really cut it, as far as I'm concerned. It's that 'integrity piece' which I count on her for, which I prize heavily, and if that's not gonna be there, uh, could be time to split.
We had had a great day together, and as part of it, I once again brought up the 'are you willing to try' conversation, in this case, 'could you keep it to 3 beers for the night?' For me, it has to do with 'if you love me, as you say you do, if you want to 'take care' of me, as you say you do, well, the way to take care of me is to not be drinking heavily when we're gonna be together'. She doesn't drink during the day ever, but work is a different thing. She said that OK she'd have only 3 beers.
I played all night at the bar, kinda kept tabs on her consumption, she was doing good and then it's late and here comes beer number 4. I asked her about it and she was like 'you can see I'm not drunk, I'm working hard etc'. I say, so that's it then, no more after that? And she intimates that number 5 is on the way. But you said three, and now it's four. Will you please stop. She agreed, with some reluctance. A few of us were sitting around at the end of the night, M is washing the glasses behind the bar, and I notice that she's got another beer going. I go back and say, what's this? She said her boss bought it for her for Chinese New Year, and I'm like 'WTF!' though I didn't say that or raise my voice, but was definitely unhappy about it.
I went to the boss, Dow, and asked to speak with her outside for a second. She and I have a good relationship, and I wanted to ask her, why would you be buying her drinks when you know she's got a drinking problem? Dow said she didn't buy her the drink, M had asked her to open the bottle for her as her hands were wet from the dishes. So it was a lie, it was a way to get that 5th beer which apparently took precedence over whatever agreement she had made with me.
And yes, I know it's apples and oranges, or perhaps mangos and beers, the two sides of the equation don't have much to do with one another when addiction is on one of the sides. For me to expect her to stop her drinking in order to make me happy is a bit of a fool's game, or at least deluded on my part, because it doesn't work like that. She can 'try' (one of her favorite words), but that word has a built in excuse, 'hey, I tried...' but when it comes to drinking, there's some kind of need or pathology or other deep seated motivation that trumps whatever little agreements we might try to make. I get that. But hey, what am I supposed to do? Got to 'try' something (he said ironically)
I think relationships are hard enough between two people, and when you add a third character like 'alcohol' or alcoholism to the mix, all bets are off. The agreements and negotiations and plans that one makes with one's partner become 'inoperative' to recall Ron Ziegler's characterization of Nixon's er lies on the subject of Watergate.
And for the first time, my honest Thai Girlfriend, 'I tell the truth' 'I never lie to you' was cought in a lie, around alcohol, not surprisingly. And I could ignore it or let it go, or not be too put out by it, she wasn't 'drunk' after all, she was maintaining just fine, it could have been fine back at my place after the shift, but there's something about honesty that is at the heart of what we've got going here, and the fact that she would lie to me and say, 'hey my boss bought me this drink' as a way to justify changing the game, uh, that's a serious breach for me. I quietly said, that 'I'll sleep alone tonight' and took off, feeling OK actually, not too put out, not too worried that she'll go to the bar and get hammered, or call her ex or whatever, and not too holier than thou either, but something shifted for me.
I think I 'get' that yeah, she is alcoholic, and I suppose I would define that as the 'alcohol trumps the agreements' between you and the one you 'love' (allegedly), though yes, I do believe that she loves me. And I think that I was naive to hope that she could cut down on her consumption to give me what I need. She did on some occassions, felt good about herself, I felt good about her, it's better when she's sober or close to it. And I certainly don't want to be her monitor or house arrest officer, but I guess there's an element of that if I can't hack her drinking as much as she'd want to. Not a good situation. Not a stable situation.
You could make the case that I'm looking for an exit strategy, that my own fear of commitment will find a good justification for getting out, moving on, and maybe there is some truth to that. I've got fears about my long term ability to maintain a relationship, so perhaps this is a good way for me to rationalize a departure, 'I can't trust her any more, she's an alcoholic etc' (it's not my fault?). I think it's definitely worth considering that scenario, maybe I set it all up to make myself the OK one. So I have that as part of the mix. Hard to know how the pie is divided.
But I feel pretty OK today, not desperate or needy or much of anything, just watching the drama unfold. And interestingly, I have a visa situation to deal with by the 29th of this month, 5 days away. If I want to stay in Thailand, I'd need to apply at the embassy for a 30 day extension of my visa, costs about $70, well worth it if I want to be here. Or if it's time to move out, I just cross the border into another adventure, I'm thinking Siem Riep, Cambodia, the home of the amazing Angkor Wat temple complex which is some kind of other-worldly fantasy land from a thousand years ago. The photos are mind-boggling and I've got the urge to head in that direction if I leave Thailand.
Speaking of $70 (2000 Baht), I had taken that amount and put it in a red envelope as a Chinese New Year gift to M, put it under the sheet for her to find when she got into bed last night (after her 3 beer night, sabes?) Ya know, you take care of me, I take care of you sort of thing. So when I came home alone after our little incident, I opened the envelope, put the money back in my wallet, threw away the 'I love you' card and went to sleep. I'm not throwing away the 'I love you', but for some reason I persist in the idea that we need to 'take care of each other', in the way that the other needs. Deluded? Probably... OK definitely...
There ya go, telenovela fans, enjoy. And I leave this post with the realization that I'm quite calm about it all (at this moment, anythow) If things go a certain way, OK, if they go a different way, OK. Perhaps it's that 'middle path' that the Buddhists talk about. Not too high, not too low...
House of Cards....
I was talking with my buddy J this morning over coffee, and we have seemed to evolve our friendship into a mini men's group in which we are safe to share some of the misgivings about life and romance in Thailand. Even though our circumstances are quite different, at heart they are the same, and it's good to have a mirror and sympathetic friend to process with. We both are East Coast guys with a certain way of looking at the world, that mix of intelligence and cynicism (and vocabulary) that is refreshing to encounter over here. So yeah, there is a type of gravity that brings us together every few days to check in, commiserate and support one another. In short, a friend.
And we had a brief visit today, but it seemed to spark a thought that I'll try to express on the blog. I started expressing it to him, and realized that I had happened upon a thought that I hadn't expressed much in this forum, so here goes. It's that here in Thailand, it's as if we are living atop a Jenga stack, where at any moment, a stick can be pulled out and it all crashes to the ground. It's the house of cards, baby, one false step and we're flat down on the table.
Thing is, our minds have a hard time accepting that reality; it doesn't quite jibe with our desire of order, predictability, 'as ye sow, so shall ye reap' indoctrination. I think that we're brought up in the west to see the world as something we can control, we can manage, put our stamp on, get what we deserve, our just desserts, if you will. (I'll 'just' have the sorbet, he tried weakly). Where was I? It's the way we're raised, to believe that we have quite a bit of control over outcomes.... so that when things don't go as expected, when 'bad things happen to good people', it's seen as some kind of anomaly and it shakes the foundation. But I eat right, I exercise, how did I get this heart attack, it's not fair.
I'll wager that a large percentage of clergy time is spent wrestling with this very question. 'How could this happen? Doesn't God love me? We don't deserve this' (as if we deserve a universe in which our actions are some kind of insurance against calamity. Ah, it would be nice to think so, and yeah, we do think so, but perhaps at our psychological peril.
Maybe that idea of order and 'deserving' is some kind of myth, one that keeps us in line, keeps our nose to the grindstone, keeps us inside the box, fearful of upsetting the apple cart. It's what I rebelled against from an early age, the idea that you have to get good grades to get into a good school to get a good job to make a lot of money to make it to retirement etc etc. My brother Mick came across a Social Studies test that I failed in high school in which I laid out that scenario, with a few 'F bombs' thrown in, I hadn't prepared for the test and was sitting there in Miss Parmet's class, surrounded by everyone else feverishly writing about US foreign policy, while I worked up a righteous rage about the idiocy of getting good grades to get a good GPA to get into a good school on and on, that ended with 'TO MAKE A LOT OF FUCKING MONEY! I followed up with 'It makes me sick' Of course I got the F, along with a visit next morning from the guidance counselor who asked me if everything was all right. And cheeky me, I asked if he liked what I wrote... (early blogging I suppose:-)
And the reason that I'm on this topic today is that Farang life over here is so transitory, so wind-tossed, so unpredictable that all of our desire for stability, just desserts and the like is almost laughable. For one thing, we're here at the whim of the Thai government, they could pull the visas at any time, strike one. We get involved in these relationships with women from a different culture, and though we want it to be like we want it to be, uh brother, good luck with that. There is a nearly constant battle between what we want as opposed to a more objective appraisal of what is going down. In my case, that manifested in a crazy period of back and forth, I'm here, I'm gone, I'm here, I'm gone until I got sick of writing about it. It gets embarassing after awhile. strike two.
And the sex is great, and when it's great my mind creates some kind of a world in which that's the reality, and the most important thing and life is good and let's keep it going. It's as though something chemical happens (and I'm sure that it does) which makes the mind create a picture with a future and rainbows and sunsets over the water. I deserve this, right? And then when stuff happens that doesn't correspond to the rose colored universe, it's suddenly shaky and dangerous and 'what the hell am I doing here?'. strike two and a half... (aha, I'm not ready to strike out yet :-)
Dylan had that line in 'Forever Young' which I always related to. 'May you have a strong foundation when the winds of changes shift' We're not in control, we have some control over our selves, but only within the context of a shifting universe. I think I get it, I think I understand it and know how to ride the winds. It's not easy or without emotional peril. And it seems like a realistic way to be here and now. I give love, I receive love, I pay attention, hope for the best, but keep one eye open, keep my passport close at hand. Staying light, ready to balance on that jenga stack in the wind.
And we had a brief visit today, but it seemed to spark a thought that I'll try to express on the blog. I started expressing it to him, and realized that I had happened upon a thought that I hadn't expressed much in this forum, so here goes. It's that here in Thailand, it's as if we are living atop a Jenga stack, where at any moment, a stick can be pulled out and it all crashes to the ground. It's the house of cards, baby, one false step and we're flat down on the table.
Thing is, our minds have a hard time accepting that reality; it doesn't quite jibe with our desire of order, predictability, 'as ye sow, so shall ye reap' indoctrination. I think that we're brought up in the west to see the world as something we can control, we can manage, put our stamp on, get what we deserve, our just desserts, if you will. (I'll 'just' have the sorbet, he tried weakly). Where was I? It's the way we're raised, to believe that we have quite a bit of control over outcomes.... so that when things don't go as expected, when 'bad things happen to good people', it's seen as some kind of anomaly and it shakes the foundation. But I eat right, I exercise, how did I get this heart attack, it's not fair.
I'll wager that a large percentage of clergy time is spent wrestling with this very question. 'How could this happen? Doesn't God love me? We don't deserve this' (as if we deserve a universe in which our actions are some kind of insurance against calamity. Ah, it would be nice to think so, and yeah, we do think so, but perhaps at our psychological peril.
Maybe that idea of order and 'deserving' is some kind of myth, one that keeps us in line, keeps our nose to the grindstone, keeps us inside the box, fearful of upsetting the apple cart. It's what I rebelled against from an early age, the idea that you have to get good grades to get into a good school to get a good job to make a lot of money to make it to retirement etc etc. My brother Mick came across a Social Studies test that I failed in high school in which I laid out that scenario, with a few 'F bombs' thrown in, I hadn't prepared for the test and was sitting there in Miss Parmet's class, surrounded by everyone else feverishly writing about US foreign policy, while I worked up a righteous rage about the idiocy of getting good grades to get a good GPA to get into a good school on and on, that ended with 'TO MAKE A LOT OF FUCKING MONEY! I followed up with 'It makes me sick' Of course I got the F, along with a visit next morning from the guidance counselor who asked me if everything was all right. And cheeky me, I asked if he liked what I wrote... (early blogging I suppose:-)
And the reason that I'm on this topic today is that Farang life over here is so transitory, so wind-tossed, so unpredictable that all of our desire for stability, just desserts and the like is almost laughable. For one thing, we're here at the whim of the Thai government, they could pull the visas at any time, strike one. We get involved in these relationships with women from a different culture, and though we want it to be like we want it to be, uh brother, good luck with that. There is a nearly constant battle between what we want as opposed to a more objective appraisal of what is going down. In my case, that manifested in a crazy period of back and forth, I'm here, I'm gone, I'm here, I'm gone until I got sick of writing about it. It gets embarassing after awhile. strike two.
And the sex is great, and when it's great my mind creates some kind of a world in which that's the reality, and the most important thing and life is good and let's keep it going. It's as though something chemical happens (and I'm sure that it does) which makes the mind create a picture with a future and rainbows and sunsets over the water. I deserve this, right? And then when stuff happens that doesn't correspond to the rose colored universe, it's suddenly shaky and dangerous and 'what the hell am I doing here?'. strike two and a half... (aha, I'm not ready to strike out yet :-)
Dylan had that line in 'Forever Young' which I always related to. 'May you have a strong foundation when the winds of changes shift' We're not in control, we have some control over our selves, but only within the context of a shifting universe. I think I get it, I think I understand it and know how to ride the winds. It's not easy or without emotional peril. And it seems like a realistic way to be here and now. I give love, I receive love, I pay attention, hope for the best, but keep one eye open, keep my passport close at hand. Staying light, ready to balance on that jenga stack in the wind.
Happy New Year! (of the Dragon!)
Big day in Chiang Mai yesterday, beginning at 8am when M and I were awakened by a call from her sister. We had gotten to sleep around 4am, so yeah, it was a little early, but her sis called to remind her that it was Chinese New Year, and that she should get herself to the Chinese temple to make an offering, light some incense sticks and say some prayers. They come from a large Chinese/Thai family in Bangkok (10 children, M was number 9), and this is a day to remember the past, connect with the ancestors etc. So off we went.
But not before a little morning cappuccino with Noi, a little coffee visit with my friend Harris and his sister Rachel who just showed up, but soon we were on our way. We walked over to Chinatown, which is the location of the big market area about a mile to the northeast of us. The place is always buzzing, and even more so during the new year. Many vendors were set up in the street, red lanterns and banners were hung from wires and buildings, firecrackers were going off, and M tells me that the firecrackers are a way to signal to the ancestors that we're thinking of them, and please think of us too from the great beyond.
First stop was a street jeweler, because she had bought me a Buddha pendant and wanted him to place it in a clear locket that I could wear around my neck. We chose one, and I picked a beaded chain to hang it from, then the jeweler put it together for us. What a lovely gift! I love it and plan to wear it regularly. Feels good around my neck.
We came to the Chinese temple, canned music playing, lanterns waving in the breeze (and the electric fan), smoke everywhere as part of the ritual is to light incense and offer it to a number of different altars which are set up. We bought some incense, removed our shoes and went altar to altar, getting down on our knees, hands in prayer position, asking for safety and protection, and good things for the coming year. M made a donation to the fund that provides assistance to those in need, and we made our exit in about twenty minutes time. (a lovely way to begin the day, yes?)
One of the traditions of the holiday is to buy some new clothing for the new year, and I was delighted to take her on a little shopping spree. Girlfriend does like to shop, she's got a good eye. But after a certain point, I have this goof of shielding her eyes as we're walking through the market (otherwise it will be hours and hours:-). I bought her a pair of jeans, and a couple of new tops, and she was very appreciative. It was really a sweet way to begin the year.
Last night we went back to Chinatown to have some food and see the dragon dancing and climbing the tower. For M it was a total flashback to her childhood, as she is so busy these days that she rarely gets to experience much of Chinese culture. But since new year came on her Sunday off, we got to celebrate it big time. We bought some Chinese food (nothing like 'Chinese Food' in the US, by the way). We shared a thick soup containing mushrooms, bamboo shoots, and something which had the consistency of whale snot, kinda gooey and chewy, maybe a tofu product of some sort. It was all real tasty. And then a spicy papaya salad and these delicious sweet rice concoctions with pork, egg, mushrooms, peanuts and other goodies, all wrapped in a banana leaf. Serious comfort food, Chinese style, and M was telling me how her mom made the best ones of these ever.
The only negative on the day was that at the temple she grabbed a fortune card and said that the numbers were bad, and that her happiness now will be short-lived with sadness to follow. (and as anyone in a relationship with me can tell you, that could be an accurate prognostication). So yeah, that's a little damper on the day, and I'm trying not to give it a lot of credence, and of course the more I would try, the more true it seems to be.... Ah well, it's just some numbers on a piece of paper, right (he said with zero conviction).
But there was even bigger news in the 8am call from her sister. This is a sister who lives outside of Bangkok and is the only family member who M is connected to. (I don't know her name, or can't remember it). This sister never married, no kids, was the main caretaker for the mom when she got sick and eventually died. Sister is having some mobility problems, finding it difficult to walk and M has been wondering if she needs to change her life and go care for her. The sister's news is that she wants to sell her place in Bangkok and relocate to Chiang Mai... (to take care of M, ironically). M is 'alone with no one to take care of you' according to the sis. She has money and wants to buy a place, have a little business that she and M can operate, and she wants to do it soon.
For me this is a big Wow! Somehow I felt that it was up to me to help her get out of the bar gig. She is working very hard, it's not the healthiest lifestyle, being around drunks all the time, and I see that it needs to change, but how to make it happen? Suddenly I can see a way for her to transition into the next phase, and there are so many things that are right about it. She needs family, feels alone, wants to take care of her sister, needs some healing from what sounded like a brutal upbringing, and here comes her older sister with a New Year's Day plan. I think it's momentous, and I'm very happy about it. (and also about the fact that it's not up to me to initiate the change... I don't think I have it in me to be THAT person... But I can be this person.... Happy New Year (again)
But not before a little morning cappuccino with Noi, a little coffee visit with my friend Harris and his sister Rachel who just showed up, but soon we were on our way. We walked over to Chinatown, which is the location of the big market area about a mile to the northeast of us. The place is always buzzing, and even more so during the new year. Many vendors were set up in the street, red lanterns and banners were hung from wires and buildings, firecrackers were going off, and M tells me that the firecrackers are a way to signal to the ancestors that we're thinking of them, and please think of us too from the great beyond.
First stop was a street jeweler, because she had bought me a Buddha pendant and wanted him to place it in a clear locket that I could wear around my neck. We chose one, and I picked a beaded chain to hang it from, then the jeweler put it together for us. What a lovely gift! I love it and plan to wear it regularly. Feels good around my neck.
We came to the Chinese temple, canned music playing, lanterns waving in the breeze (and the electric fan), smoke everywhere as part of the ritual is to light incense and offer it to a number of different altars which are set up. We bought some incense, removed our shoes and went altar to altar, getting down on our knees, hands in prayer position, asking for safety and protection, and good things for the coming year. M made a donation to the fund that provides assistance to those in need, and we made our exit in about twenty minutes time. (a lovely way to begin the day, yes?)
One of the traditions of the holiday is to buy some new clothing for the new year, and I was delighted to take her on a little shopping spree. Girlfriend does like to shop, she's got a good eye. But after a certain point, I have this goof of shielding her eyes as we're walking through the market (otherwise it will be hours and hours:-). I bought her a pair of jeans, and a couple of new tops, and she was very appreciative. It was really a sweet way to begin the year.
Last night we went back to Chinatown to have some food and see the dragon dancing and climbing the tower. For M it was a total flashback to her childhood, as she is so busy these days that she rarely gets to experience much of Chinese culture. But since new year came on her Sunday off, we got to celebrate it big time. We bought some Chinese food (nothing like 'Chinese Food' in the US, by the way). We shared a thick soup containing mushrooms, bamboo shoots, and something which had the consistency of whale snot, kinda gooey and chewy, maybe a tofu product of some sort. It was all real tasty. And then a spicy papaya salad and these delicious sweet rice concoctions with pork, egg, mushrooms, peanuts and other goodies, all wrapped in a banana leaf. Serious comfort food, Chinese style, and M was telling me how her mom made the best ones of these ever.
The only negative on the day was that at the temple she grabbed a fortune card and said that the numbers were bad, and that her happiness now will be short-lived with sadness to follow. (and as anyone in a relationship with me can tell you, that could be an accurate prognostication). So yeah, that's a little damper on the day, and I'm trying not to give it a lot of credence, and of course the more I would try, the more true it seems to be.... Ah well, it's just some numbers on a piece of paper, right (he said with zero conviction).
But there was even bigger news in the 8am call from her sister. This is a sister who lives outside of Bangkok and is the only family member who M is connected to. (I don't know her name, or can't remember it). This sister never married, no kids, was the main caretaker for the mom when she got sick and eventually died. Sister is having some mobility problems, finding it difficult to walk and M has been wondering if she needs to change her life and go care for her. The sister's news is that she wants to sell her place in Bangkok and relocate to Chiang Mai... (to take care of M, ironically). M is 'alone with no one to take care of you' according to the sis. She has money and wants to buy a place, have a little business that she and M can operate, and she wants to do it soon.
For me this is a big Wow! Somehow I felt that it was up to me to help her get out of the bar gig. She is working very hard, it's not the healthiest lifestyle, being around drunks all the time, and I see that it needs to change, but how to make it happen? Suddenly I can see a way for her to transition into the next phase, and there are so many things that are right about it. She needs family, feels alone, wants to take care of her sister, needs some healing from what sounded like a brutal upbringing, and here comes her older sister with a New Year's Day plan. I think it's momentous, and I'm very happy about it. (and also about the fact that it's not up to me to initiate the change... I don't think I have it in me to be THAT person... But I can be this person.... Happy New Year (again)
Reveille Revelry Reverie
That first word, Reveille, is the name of that bugle call that wakes up the troops, and yeah, somehow the correct spelling was in my reservoir, though I did consult Senor Google to be sure. (Gracias Senor Google). And is there any deep meaning attached to today's title? Perhaps... I'm feeling quite peaceful this noon hour, though I'm off my previous routine of up, coffee, internet, swim which served me so well for the first month in Chiang Mai. Felt the desire to shake things up, so I'm now less pinned to a specific schedule and more ready to let things unfold as they will.
But I did make my way down here to the internet place eventually, where I now sit and listen to the traffic whizzing by and prepare to dig in some... But it will likely be a short one as I'll be wanting to get back to the room, wake up M, go for our daily lunch around the corner, speak a little Thai, grab a cappuccino with her and then say farewell as she goes off to work and I go back to the Guest House to teach another ten dollar music lesson.
And now that I think about it, I realize that there are three daily stops where I've been establishing a kind of social routine, and as the weeks go by, I'm deriving more and more pleasure from the deepening understanding and connection at each place. First up is the cafe where Noi holds down the fort. It's just down the soi (street) from where I stay, and since my place only serves Nescafe (undrinkable for a coffee snob like me), I always start my day with a phenomenal cappuccino at Noi's place. (30 baht, but I always tip her an additional 10, for a grand total of $1.35). Best cappuccino ever as her brother runs a coffee plantation outside of town, so the coffee is fresh, local and great). But what makes the experience extraordinary is the cast of characters who are in and out of there on a daily basis.
Her friend Eck is a 38 year old waiter who works at a guest house nearby in the afternoons, but in the mornings he comes by the cafe to help out, play his guitar, do errands etc. He leaves his steel string at the cafe, so I tend to go in there and strum, sing some, add the ambience. Noi jokes that when I'm playing music, the coffee costs 50 baht because of the entertainment. (just part of the shtick). Eck loves what I do, asks me questions about music, and I show him stuff whenever he wants. His English is pretty limited and he tends to make up words in Thai while I'm singing, it's like we're doing an indecipherable duet when the music starts.
Noi has another friend Ooee, a cute 32 year old woman who just quit her massage job at a local spa. The money wasn't good enough. Her name is the exact sound from the song 'Sea Cruise' Ooee, ooee baby, won't you let me take you on a sea cruise. She's got a boyfriend who lives in Poland who will allegedly be back in a couple of months, ya never know, but you hear that story a lot. (Yeah, if I was single, Ooee and I would likely be having dinner together, know what I'm sayin'). Then there's Si, a gorgeous 26 year old who runs a little beauty salon. She's a regular before work, buzzes in, takes over, acts like a cute girl with that self-confident, gets-what-she-wants air about her. She's being wooed by a 50 year old Norwegian, Terry who also is a daily visitor. Good guy, good looking with blue eyes, ''we're just friends' is how he describes his thing with Si, but one gets the feeling that maybe there's more... (and that it will cost him an IPhone or the equivalent to seal the friendship, as it were)
The Italians show up for their daily espresso, some old Farangs show up for their daily cappuccino, a nice mix of locals and tourists with Noi at the center, a 46 year old single woman, extremely good humored, lots of laughter around her, as well as intelligence and kindness. She's the reason for the good energy, folks are drawn not only to her coffee, but to her. Here are a couple of local drivers who make their way in, we know each other by sight and exchange smiles and greetings. Eck starts singing the hook to my song 'Same Same', so I grab the guitar and start jamming. He loves that song, that Latin groove and makes me do it on a daily basis.
This morning I was in there with my Thai worksheets, wanting to practice some and he was playing a Thai song on guitar, so I started doing what he does to me, singing along, making up my own words over top of his playing. Oooee and Si were cracking up as I was singing my vocabulary lesson, the text was something like, 'Where are you going, do you love me, I love you, where am I' And then I grabbed the guitar and played a typical Thai style ballad but used the words I knew, and it was pretty darned entertaining to the group.... Hmmm, interesting possibilities....
Second stop on the daily tour is our lunch spot, where we tend to go most every day. It's 50 meters from the Guest House in the other direction, our buddy, I think his name is 'Poon' is the owner and cook and he has a woman assistant who serves the food and clears and washes the dishes. M and I are super comfortable there, lots of friendly banter, she is happy, I'm happy, the boss is happy, lots of laughter, and it's a place where I practice Thai, especially lately. Once again, the customers are a mix of Thai and Farang, and it feels really nice. There's something great about being a regular, as opposed to someone wandering in off the street. It's the relationships.... that sense of belonging.
And nowhere is that more obvious than at the evening spot, AKA the CU Corner. (M just bought me a CU t shirt from the shipment that just came in, and I love it). Talk about a one-act play, there are so many interesting characters it would be impossible to capture them all, but I see them most every day: Peter, sixty something ex-Navy guy, loves the lady boys, and is highly intelligent, great story teller, great appreciator of music. John, tall Irish guy living in Majorca where he captains a sailboat and earns his living taking tourists for cruises in the Mediterranean. We met last year, hit it off big time, same same this year. He's only here for a short time this year because there's a good gig back on Majorca in a couple of weeks and he needs to do it. Michael from Yorkshire, sixty something, loves music, loves Oot, a lovely thirty something Thai woman who he's doing his best to woo. She's a regular too. Vegas Bill, sixty something, always talking politics, sitting in the same seat night after night. Jeff and Dao running the show, people love them, they have great social skills and have created a place that folks keep coming back to. It's a gold mine at this point. It's on a street with about 4 other bars, and they do more business than the rest combined. It's the music, the crowd, the ambience, the waitress (M) people adore her, she's phenomenal.
And I have my place in the mix, even though I don't drink. I've been adding a ton of music to the place, two regular gigs, but lots of stints backing other people as well. I belong there, I have friends and laughs and as long as I get out of there before it gets too drunk and stupid, it's awesome... JUst got a call from a student who bought herself a guitar and wants to come for a lesson. That's two lessons today, it will pay for my daily expenses and then some... Nice! Time to wake up the lady sleeping in my bed and get on with our day.... Feeling really good about things at this moment....
But I did make my way down here to the internet place eventually, where I now sit and listen to the traffic whizzing by and prepare to dig in some... But it will likely be a short one as I'll be wanting to get back to the room, wake up M, go for our daily lunch around the corner, speak a little Thai, grab a cappuccino with her and then say farewell as she goes off to work and I go back to the Guest House to teach another ten dollar music lesson.
And now that I think about it, I realize that there are three daily stops where I've been establishing a kind of social routine, and as the weeks go by, I'm deriving more and more pleasure from the deepening understanding and connection at each place. First up is the cafe where Noi holds down the fort. It's just down the soi (street) from where I stay, and since my place only serves Nescafe (undrinkable for a coffee snob like me), I always start my day with a phenomenal cappuccino at Noi's place. (30 baht, but I always tip her an additional 10, for a grand total of $1.35). Best cappuccino ever as her brother runs a coffee plantation outside of town, so the coffee is fresh, local and great). But what makes the experience extraordinary is the cast of characters who are in and out of there on a daily basis.
Her friend Eck is a 38 year old waiter who works at a guest house nearby in the afternoons, but in the mornings he comes by the cafe to help out, play his guitar, do errands etc. He leaves his steel string at the cafe, so I tend to go in there and strum, sing some, add the ambience. Noi jokes that when I'm playing music, the coffee costs 50 baht because of the entertainment. (just part of the shtick). Eck loves what I do, asks me questions about music, and I show him stuff whenever he wants. His English is pretty limited and he tends to make up words in Thai while I'm singing, it's like we're doing an indecipherable duet when the music starts.
Noi has another friend Ooee, a cute 32 year old woman who just quit her massage job at a local spa. The money wasn't good enough. Her name is the exact sound from the song 'Sea Cruise' Ooee, ooee baby, won't you let me take you on a sea cruise. She's got a boyfriend who lives in Poland who will allegedly be back in a couple of months, ya never know, but you hear that story a lot. (Yeah, if I was single, Ooee and I would likely be having dinner together, know what I'm sayin'). Then there's Si, a gorgeous 26 year old who runs a little beauty salon. She's a regular before work, buzzes in, takes over, acts like a cute girl with that self-confident, gets-what-she-wants air about her. She's being wooed by a 50 year old Norwegian, Terry who also is a daily visitor. Good guy, good looking with blue eyes, ''we're just friends' is how he describes his thing with Si, but one gets the feeling that maybe there's more... (and that it will cost him an IPhone or the equivalent to seal the friendship, as it were)
The Italians show up for their daily espresso, some old Farangs show up for their daily cappuccino, a nice mix of locals and tourists with Noi at the center, a 46 year old single woman, extremely good humored, lots of laughter around her, as well as intelligence and kindness. She's the reason for the good energy, folks are drawn not only to her coffee, but to her. Here are a couple of local drivers who make their way in, we know each other by sight and exchange smiles and greetings. Eck starts singing the hook to my song 'Same Same', so I grab the guitar and start jamming. He loves that song, that Latin groove and makes me do it on a daily basis.
This morning I was in there with my Thai worksheets, wanting to practice some and he was playing a Thai song on guitar, so I started doing what he does to me, singing along, making up my own words over top of his playing. Oooee and Si were cracking up as I was singing my vocabulary lesson, the text was something like, 'Where are you going, do you love me, I love you, where am I' And then I grabbed the guitar and played a typical Thai style ballad but used the words I knew, and it was pretty darned entertaining to the group.... Hmmm, interesting possibilities....
Second stop on the daily tour is our lunch spot, where we tend to go most every day. It's 50 meters from the Guest House in the other direction, our buddy, I think his name is 'Poon' is the owner and cook and he has a woman assistant who serves the food and clears and washes the dishes. M and I are super comfortable there, lots of friendly banter, she is happy, I'm happy, the boss is happy, lots of laughter, and it's a place where I practice Thai, especially lately. Once again, the customers are a mix of Thai and Farang, and it feels really nice. There's something great about being a regular, as opposed to someone wandering in off the street. It's the relationships.... that sense of belonging.
And nowhere is that more obvious than at the evening spot, AKA the CU Corner. (M just bought me a CU t shirt from the shipment that just came in, and I love it). Talk about a one-act play, there are so many interesting characters it would be impossible to capture them all, but I see them most every day: Peter, sixty something ex-Navy guy, loves the lady boys, and is highly intelligent, great story teller, great appreciator of music. John, tall Irish guy living in Majorca where he captains a sailboat and earns his living taking tourists for cruises in the Mediterranean. We met last year, hit it off big time, same same this year. He's only here for a short time this year because there's a good gig back on Majorca in a couple of weeks and he needs to do it. Michael from Yorkshire, sixty something, loves music, loves Oot, a lovely thirty something Thai woman who he's doing his best to woo. She's a regular too. Vegas Bill, sixty something, always talking politics, sitting in the same seat night after night. Jeff and Dao running the show, people love them, they have great social skills and have created a place that folks keep coming back to. It's a gold mine at this point. It's on a street with about 4 other bars, and they do more business than the rest combined. It's the music, the crowd, the ambience, the waitress (M) people adore her, she's phenomenal.
And I have my place in the mix, even though I don't drink. I've been adding a ton of music to the place, two regular gigs, but lots of stints backing other people as well. I belong there, I have friends and laughs and as long as I get out of there before it gets too drunk and stupid, it's awesome... JUst got a call from a student who bought herself a guitar and wants to come for a lesson. That's two lessons today, it will pay for my daily expenses and then some... Nice! Time to wake up the lady sleeping in my bed and get on with our day.... Feeling really good about things at this moment....
But I thought I was so fucking good with languages
Got my first sense of getting just fucking pissed off at my inability to get a grasp on this language... and yes, I use the word 'fucking' to express frustration and self-anger. It's a sort of pressure release, though often people take it as a sign that I'm out of control... (stupid fuckers, but I digress). I've been feeling the need to make some progress in the language area; it became clear to me when I took a walk last week, ended up in a Thai's only part of town by the river, thought it was a nice place to sit on a bench and take in the scene, and then was utterly unable to say anything of consequence to the folks who were interested in me. (ordering fried rice with pork wasn't really much of an option, though I could have done that much)
M has been helping me recently, and we've been spending the last few lunches working on the language. She is a great teacher, works hard on my pronunciation, which is pretty good for a foreigner, I have the ability to mimic sounds well. But as far as recalling stuff an hour later, terrible. I'm starting to feel like those folks who just can't place it and retrieve it in the brain, the ones who are 'bad at languages' or who have no musical aptitude. I'm definitely unwilling to put myself in that group, but I have been getting a first hand look at what it feels like to be adrift and floundering and 'bad at languages'. (It couldn't have anything to do with my high expectations of myself and my immaturity as regards frustration, could it? No of course not!)
So I got some 3 by 5 index cards and have begun to write the Thai word or sentence on one side and the translation on the other side. This is a suggestion given to me by a friend Dominic who quizzes himself like this as part of his daily practice, and now it will become part of mine. He has a pile of cards and he goes through it frequently. If he gets the answer right, the card goes into one pile and he'll add a new one to the deck. That's the plan, and my goal is to be able to have the most rudimentary of conversations, where I'm going, what I need, who are you sort of stuff. Slowly slowly, he said without much conviction. I've got some good anger-fueled determination going now, and I plan on using it to make progress... to make some fucking progress, alright?
I've been accumulating more guitar students and I could see being able to nearly pay my way here if I put my mind to it (and steered clear of the authorities who would frown on a work permit-less Farang making money in Thailand. I tend to get about $10/lesson, which is nothing, but when you figure that many locals work all day for that $10, it takes on a different flavor. And my $10 is 'earned' sitting by the pool with a guitar in my hand... hmmmm where's the justice? I give a lot of music away for free, mind you. I've backed a lot of people on bass, have added quite a bit to the scene at CU Corner by being a focused and supportive accompanist to a wide array of 'talent', so I feel just fine about making some cash along with that.
At the moment, I'm at my guest house awaiting my newest student who is a woman around my age, recently moved here from Geneva. She watched me teach her French friend a lesson, and wanted to get in on it too. So we went to the guitar store, I helped he pick out an instrument and a tuner, and now she'll come by for her first lesson. Hope it works...
M and I are in a good phase and for the first time, she is making statements about definitely wanting to limit her drinking and wanting to 'do it for me'. This is new territory, up til now it's been more like, 'Accept me the way I am', (which I can't, sorry), but through a series of events, negative and positive, we seem to be evolving into something new. I surely don't believe it yet, there have been too many instances that set us back, but I'm still wanting to see this thing through. I guess I'm being dogged about it, (or am I just a dog?). Either way, after being alone for the past year in Oregon, it's nice to interact, struggle, love, work stuff out, communicate, learn, grow and try hard with another person. It could end in any kind of way; and there have been a few times when I'm ready to check the bus schedule and do something different, but I keep hanging in.... Aha, the student has arrived and I'm off to teach...
M has been helping me recently, and we've been spending the last few lunches working on the language. She is a great teacher, works hard on my pronunciation, which is pretty good for a foreigner, I have the ability to mimic sounds well. But as far as recalling stuff an hour later, terrible. I'm starting to feel like those folks who just can't place it and retrieve it in the brain, the ones who are 'bad at languages' or who have no musical aptitude. I'm definitely unwilling to put myself in that group, but I have been getting a first hand look at what it feels like to be adrift and floundering and 'bad at languages'. (It couldn't have anything to do with my high expectations of myself and my immaturity as regards frustration, could it? No of course not!)
So I got some 3 by 5 index cards and have begun to write the Thai word or sentence on one side and the translation on the other side. This is a suggestion given to me by a friend Dominic who quizzes himself like this as part of his daily practice, and now it will become part of mine. He has a pile of cards and he goes through it frequently. If he gets the answer right, the card goes into one pile and he'll add a new one to the deck. That's the plan, and my goal is to be able to have the most rudimentary of conversations, where I'm going, what I need, who are you sort of stuff. Slowly slowly, he said without much conviction. I've got some good anger-fueled determination going now, and I plan on using it to make progress... to make some fucking progress, alright?
I've been accumulating more guitar students and I could see being able to nearly pay my way here if I put my mind to it (and steered clear of the authorities who would frown on a work permit-less Farang making money in Thailand. I tend to get about $10/lesson, which is nothing, but when you figure that many locals work all day for that $10, it takes on a different flavor. And my $10 is 'earned' sitting by the pool with a guitar in my hand... hmmmm where's the justice? I give a lot of music away for free, mind you. I've backed a lot of people on bass, have added quite a bit to the scene at CU Corner by being a focused and supportive accompanist to a wide array of 'talent', so I feel just fine about making some cash along with that.
At the moment, I'm at my guest house awaiting my newest student who is a woman around my age, recently moved here from Geneva. She watched me teach her French friend a lesson, and wanted to get in on it too. So we went to the guitar store, I helped he pick out an instrument and a tuner, and now she'll come by for her first lesson. Hope it works...
M and I are in a good phase and for the first time, she is making statements about definitely wanting to limit her drinking and wanting to 'do it for me'. This is new territory, up til now it's been more like, 'Accept me the way I am', (which I can't, sorry), but through a series of events, negative and positive, we seem to be evolving into something new. I surely don't believe it yet, there have been too many instances that set us back, but I'm still wanting to see this thing through. I guess I'm being dogged about it, (or am I just a dog?). Either way, after being alone for the past year in Oregon, it's nice to interact, struggle, love, work stuff out, communicate, learn, grow and try hard with another person. It could end in any kind of way; and there have been a few times when I'm ready to check the bus schedule and do something different, but I keep hanging in.... Aha, the student has arrived and I'm off to teach...
About blank
Is it anybody's business what I do
Does it really matter what I go through
Is it any wonder that I might
Want to keep my aces out of sight
I guess I would put this thought to you
Is it anybody's business what I do
General Custer needs a hand
Back in town they don't understand
Plans are set for the big parade
All the arrangements have been made
They'll be marching to beat the band
But General Custer needs a hand
Things aren't always what they seem
When you're living in a dream
As the day fades into night
And the shadows replace the light
In the ever changing stream
Things aren't always what they seem
Does it really matter what I go through
Is it any wonder that I might
Want to keep my aces out of sight
I guess I would put this thought to you
Is it anybody's business what I do
General Custer needs a hand
Back in town they don't understand
Plans are set for the big parade
All the arrangements have been made
They'll be marching to beat the band
But General Custer needs a hand
Things aren't always what they seem
When you're living in a dream
As the day fades into night
And the shadows replace the light
In the ever changing stream
Things aren't always what they seem
Censored....
That's right, reader er readers, I have censored myself for the first time on this blog. Had some stuff I was dealing with, and wrote about it, but for once decided to just keep it to myself. I was thinking along the lines of 'If I don't publish this, then maybe it doesn't have to become real, maybe I can get to the next thing without revealing every goddamn thought that goes through my brain. And I think there's something to be said for that approach. Maybe this blog has run its course for now, maybe not.
Cuz I sometimes get in trouble when I over-share, not necessarily on the blog, although there was one incident like that last year, but just in the day to day. In the past two days, I have had the experience of being honest and open and wanting to be straight up with people, and have gotten the feedback that 'it's not your business'. Nothing that can't be gotten past, but it seems to be a theme at this time. 'Keep it to yourself, Glauber'. (I can see Hansen nodding in agreement)
But in the emotional day I had yesterday, I once again reached for the guitar and tried to capture something in music, and what I got was the beginning of the next song, which will be called 'It takes two' I think it's gonna be two songs in one actually, part of it an upbeat minor reggae thing about arguments and stuck patterns in a relationship, and then a surprising key change into a sunnier chorus section that goes like this:
It takes two to build a trust
It takes at least two to love one another
Sunny days or stormy weather
It takes two to get together
Emotions are back on an even keel, the laundry is done, maybe I'll go for a Thai massage, a little food and then play some bass for Apple around 11pm. M will come over after her shift (around 3am) and tomorrow is her day off, our favorite day of the week. Have I mentioned that I really like it over here?
Cuz I sometimes get in trouble when I over-share, not necessarily on the blog, although there was one incident like that last year, but just in the day to day. In the past two days, I have had the experience of being honest and open and wanting to be straight up with people, and have gotten the feedback that 'it's not your business'. Nothing that can't be gotten past, but it seems to be a theme at this time. 'Keep it to yourself, Glauber'. (I can see Hansen nodding in agreement)
But in the emotional day I had yesterday, I once again reached for the guitar and tried to capture something in music, and what I got was the beginning of the next song, which will be called 'It takes two' I think it's gonna be two songs in one actually, part of it an upbeat minor reggae thing about arguments and stuck patterns in a relationship, and then a surprising key change into a sunnier chorus section that goes like this:
It takes two to build a trust
It takes at least two to love one another
Sunny days or stormy weather
It takes two to get together
Emotions are back on an even keel, the laundry is done, maybe I'll go for a Thai massage, a little food and then play some bass for Apple around 11pm. M will come over after her shift (around 3am) and tomorrow is her day off, our favorite day of the week. Have I mentioned that I really like it over here?
Uploaded...
Rockin' the Swing http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XiinYjFqU2g
Same Same http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=40CqRYFbOJw
These are two songs that my friend John recorded on his video camera, then uploaded to his Youtube channel so I could share them with the world. Interestingly, I was having a fairly lousy day yesterday, skipped writing for the first time in a while, sat and watched episodes of the Daily Show and the Colbert Report instead of digging in. I just had nothing to say, and while that hasn't stopped me in the past :-), I just gave into it yesterday and didn't try. (which is OK sometimes, yes?)
I was planning on going to sleep in the afternoon, but ran into my friend Michaell on his way for his daily visit with Vegas Bill at the breakfast place where they hang out. I tagged along, visited for a half hour, when John called to say, let's record that song you wanted to record. Cool, that perked up my energy. We made plans for me to show up an hour later, so I went back to the guest house, cleaned up, grabbed my guitar and headed over. (a spring in my step, especially compared to that morning's ennui)
Warmed up a bit, then did the first song in one take, which is always a pleasing thing. Often I will goof around and call myself 'one take Glauber',,, (that's 'take' not 'toke', although the latter is accurate as well, but I digress). The number of takes is important, especially if you're spending money in a recording studio.... screw ups equal dollars, and though this wasn't a money deal, it's still gratifying to do a strong performance right out of the chute. (more spring in my step at that point) I nailed it, as did John on the camera, and now it's there for all time (or at least until the shock wave knocks all of this silliness into smithereens).
I had played him the latest tune 'Same Same' as I was warming up, and he really really liked it and suggested that we record that one as well. I wasn't totally prepared for that, but what the helll, give it a shot. It's a more difficult song to play as it uses a chord progression that requires me to look at the guitar, including that Bb7b5 chord which gives it some zing, and that, coupled with the fact that my guitar isn't playing great these days made it fairly challlening. But I put out a pretty decent version in take number two, and that one is now online as well.
What's with my guitar? My beautiful road guitar, purchased for $200 in Sevilla in 2000 after I finished the Camino is showing her age. The neck is starting to warp a bit, which means the action is getting kind of high. (the strings are a little too far from the neck, especially as I move up the fretboard). It's still playing OK down in open position, but when I'm at the 5th fret and above, it's a bit of a slog, and this tune is best played up the neck. Nothing lasts forever, and I believe that my guitar is on her last road trip, but what a guitar she has been! Mulltiple trips to Central America and Thailand, not to mention the stint in Spain and Portugal, 4 Continents (if you count Central America as different from North America), many many great experiences, compositions, jams have accompanied that guitar, it's been a tremendous ally and has shared a lot with me. There is a part of me that feels like going all Pete Townshend and smashing her to bits, rather than watch her curl up and become more and more unplayable. But not yet, eh, I've still got a couple of months to go on this adventure, and there are more songs to come.
I put the songs on my Facebook page, and sent out a group email to some selected folks in case they wanted to hear what I've been up to, and of course I get a kick out of sharing the music and reading the reviews. It's part of the deal. I try to keep it in balance, not get too carried away with seeing if there has been some response, but I will admit that I was up early this morning and couldn't help but go downstairs to see if anyone had written in. Yep there was some positive feedback, and then I went back up to try and get some more sleep. :-)
And yeah, the act of recording, feeling good about what I produced, seeing it go online immediately, getting to share it with friends and family, it gives me a lot of energy, and even though I hadn't had enough sleep, I was happily buzzing along for the rest of the day, danced some tango, played some late night bass with Apple, and even hung out until the bar was closed and I could walk M back to my place. I used to do that a lot last year, but this year I found that I didn't have the patience, hated the late night scene when the real drunks close the place down, so I've ususally been leaving by midnight. But this day felt special, they managed to close by 2am, and we went happily home hand in hand. Sweet.
And as I was chilling out in the bar around 1:30am, I grabbed a guitar and started playing quietly to myself, and I came upon a really fun little thing in D (the people's key), that I hadn't discovered before. Peter comes by and says, 'You can't 'not' play, can you?' (It was a compliment), and sure, I can 'not' play, but I'd rather have an axe in my hand and be searching for something resonant than hang around with a beer and blah blah blah, so I was quite content and still am today. After M and I have some lunch and she goes off to work, I'll return to that little D thing and see where it leads. I have a lesson to teach at 4, might go salsa dancing at 9 (haven't checked out that scene yet), and will see if I can coax out the next song. Life is good, I'm happy. que mas quieres? (what more could you want?)
Same Same http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=40CqRYFbOJw
These are two songs that my friend John recorded on his video camera, then uploaded to his Youtube channel so I could share them with the world. Interestingly, I was having a fairly lousy day yesterday, skipped writing for the first time in a while, sat and watched episodes of the Daily Show and the Colbert Report instead of digging in. I just had nothing to say, and while that hasn't stopped me in the past :-), I just gave into it yesterday and didn't try. (which is OK sometimes, yes?)
I was planning on going to sleep in the afternoon, but ran into my friend Michaell on his way for his daily visit with Vegas Bill at the breakfast place where they hang out. I tagged along, visited for a half hour, when John called to say, let's record that song you wanted to record. Cool, that perked up my energy. We made plans for me to show up an hour later, so I went back to the guest house, cleaned up, grabbed my guitar and headed over. (a spring in my step, especially compared to that morning's ennui)
Warmed up a bit, then did the first song in one take, which is always a pleasing thing. Often I will goof around and call myself 'one take Glauber',,, (that's 'take' not 'toke', although the latter is accurate as well, but I digress). The number of takes is important, especially if you're spending money in a recording studio.... screw ups equal dollars, and though this wasn't a money deal, it's still gratifying to do a strong performance right out of the chute. (more spring in my step at that point) I nailed it, as did John on the camera, and now it's there for all time (or at least until the shock wave knocks all of this silliness into smithereens).
I had played him the latest tune 'Same Same' as I was warming up, and he really really liked it and suggested that we record that one as well. I wasn't totally prepared for that, but what the helll, give it a shot. It's a more difficult song to play as it uses a chord progression that requires me to look at the guitar, including that Bb7b5 chord which gives it some zing, and that, coupled with the fact that my guitar isn't playing great these days made it fairly challlening. But I put out a pretty decent version in take number two, and that one is now online as well.
What's with my guitar? My beautiful road guitar, purchased for $200 in Sevilla in 2000 after I finished the Camino is showing her age. The neck is starting to warp a bit, which means the action is getting kind of high. (the strings are a little too far from the neck, especially as I move up the fretboard). It's still playing OK down in open position, but when I'm at the 5th fret and above, it's a bit of a slog, and this tune is best played up the neck. Nothing lasts forever, and I believe that my guitar is on her last road trip, but what a guitar she has been! Mulltiple trips to Central America and Thailand, not to mention the stint in Spain and Portugal, 4 Continents (if you count Central America as different from North America), many many great experiences, compositions, jams have accompanied that guitar, it's been a tremendous ally and has shared a lot with me. There is a part of me that feels like going all Pete Townshend and smashing her to bits, rather than watch her curl up and become more and more unplayable. But not yet, eh, I've still got a couple of months to go on this adventure, and there are more songs to come.
I put the songs on my Facebook page, and sent out a group email to some selected folks in case they wanted to hear what I've been up to, and of course I get a kick out of sharing the music and reading the reviews. It's part of the deal. I try to keep it in balance, not get too carried away with seeing if there has been some response, but I will admit that I was up early this morning and couldn't help but go downstairs to see if anyone had written in. Yep there was some positive feedback, and then I went back up to try and get some more sleep. :-)
And yeah, the act of recording, feeling good about what I produced, seeing it go online immediately, getting to share it with friends and family, it gives me a lot of energy, and even though I hadn't had enough sleep, I was happily buzzing along for the rest of the day, danced some tango, played some late night bass with Apple, and even hung out until the bar was closed and I could walk M back to my place. I used to do that a lot last year, but this year I found that I didn't have the patience, hated the late night scene when the real drunks close the place down, so I've ususally been leaving by midnight. But this day felt special, they managed to close by 2am, and we went happily home hand in hand. Sweet.
And as I was chilling out in the bar around 1:30am, I grabbed a guitar and started playing quietly to myself, and I came upon a really fun little thing in D (the people's key), that I hadn't discovered before. Peter comes by and says, 'You can't 'not' play, can you?' (It was a compliment), and sure, I can 'not' play, but I'd rather have an axe in my hand and be searching for something resonant than hang around with a beer and blah blah blah, so I was quite content and still am today. After M and I have some lunch and she goes off to work, I'll return to that little D thing and see where it leads. I have a lesson to teach at 4, might go salsa dancing at 9 (haven't checked out that scene yet), and will see if I can coax out the next song. Life is good, I'm happy. que mas quieres? (what more could you want?)
Am I fooling myself?
Low energy this morning, seems like I'm fighting off a cold, feeling sluggish with not a thing to say, but I'm too habituated to writing every morning, so what the hell, let's do it again and see if anything emerges. Nope, nothing there, goodbye.
(he said with a sluggish attempt at humor). But isn't that the way things really are... in between the moments of inspiration are many many moments of just plain old existence, make-it-through-the-day living. Is it some kind of conceit to think each moment should be filled with rapturous imaginings, passionate feelings and wondrous experiences? Likely so, and in my case, I can conjure it up as a failing on my part.... Gee, whatsisname is going through Vietnam on a motorcycle, these guys are trekking in the Himalayas, this one is getting scuba certified in Indonesia... while I sip a cappuccino every morning and then saunter over to the internet cafe and see if I can gaze at my navel in a new and interesting way... (first chuckle of the day, and I'm not quite sure why)
Nah, I'm not about to go down the road of 'poor me', that would be so lame, and so untrue. I'm extremely blessed at this point, yeah, even in my boring and safe existence here in Chiang Mai. I get to make music on a regular basis, both alone and with others, and that in itself is a HUGE asset. It's that communion which is available whenever I choose to taste it, and if 'music is a sacred opportunity', which is what I believe, (Principle number 1) then I get a chance to get sacred quite frequently. And yes, I can get sacred in a barroom, playing with and for drunk people.
Last night I saw 'Downtown Johnny' at the CU and he was wanting to play. I asked him if he'd like me to back him on bass, and he said, 'sure'. (not that I've ever backed him before, but he knows I can play). This guy is a true original, a Vietnam war vet, quite scarred, I think he's on a military disability pension, got a bad alcohol problem, though he is periodically on the wagon....not at the moment however. He's tall, gaunt, disheveled,speaks with a pronounced New England accent (he's from Maine), and when he's not drinking he looks depressed and terrible. And oh by the way, he sings like one of God's Angels, in a powerful, soulful, gut-wrenching voice that blows people away every time. He's just got that thing that you can't put your finger on, but you know it when you hear it. Soul.
But he's tough to deal with, especially for Jeff because Johnny needs the sound to be the way he wants it, the mic turned up, some delay on the guitar, and even if it's late and Jeff wants to start winding things down, Johnny needs it the way he needs it, or he can't play. So there's this natural clash that happens regularly, and Jeff has to suck it up and try to keep everybody happy. Not easy. But off we go in a seven song set, let's see, what did we play? 'Ferry Cross the Mersey', 'Jealous guy', 'Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone', 'Stand By Me', a few others I can't conjure back up right now, and it was GREAT! People love this guy. And I love being a side man, just focusing in, getting into his groove (principle 2), being a supporter, letting him shine. The songs were fairly simple, but Johnny just uses them as vehicles for letting his voice soar. (Man, if I had that kind of vocal talent, holy crap). It's exciting to be around...
He didn't say anything to me during the set, but afterwards he was effusive in his praise, 'You did great. It's so hard to find someone who can follow me. What are you doing on the 21st, I have a private gig and could you play bass for it?' I said I didn't have a bass here, but if you could score one for me to use, I'd be happy to play the gig. Just another night at the CU, 'the usual crowd shuffles in'... to coin a Billy Joel line from 'Piano Man'. I mentioned that to Jeff and he said, yeah, many times he thinks of that song in reference to the CU. I thought about doing a rewrite, but nah, not really, the idea fell by the wayside in 5 minutes or so...
Yeah, I'm probably coming down with a cold, and it wouldn't surprise me if I picked it up from these computers, where I was totally grossed out the other day as kids were sneezing, hacking, picking their noses and continuing to type away. Might have to find a new spot to work, though of course most places would offer the same germ pool. Where's my vitamin C. (like the Brits say, where the 'vit' rhymes with 'twit')
I've been singing my latest tune several times a day and it's feeling great, which means that it's time to get rolling on a new song... keep the energy going. I don't have any ideas at the moment, but I'll put my mind to it after a nap and see if I can imagine a direction. It's interesting at this point in that I have several different strategies for beginning. I can just start singing unaccompanied to see if I can stumble onto something that clicks. I can go 'music theory' and explore some harmonic thing that I like from a different song, see if I can write something using that trick. I can think in terms of 'groove', what kind of rhythm would I like to work with, what's missing from my repertoire? I can just sit and think lyrically, is there some turn of phrase that catches my ear, and can I expand upon it. I've written songs based on all of these starting strategies, (as well as a few more), so it's kind of pleasing to have a varied way of going about things.... and then when I've had my nap, read in my book, had my swim, said goodbye to M as she goes off to work, there is a point when I say, OK, Rich, spend some creative time, whatcha got?.
I've been two months on the road now, and here's what I've come up with so far:
Bossa Nova in F (with a harmonic element borrowed from 'Desafinado' and 'Take the A Train')
Mid tempo jazz thing in D (no words yet)
He's Got What it Takes (old time swing in G)
Everybody's Wrong But You (E minor blues with a twist)
Bhang Lassie (reggae in B minor)
Rockin' the Swing (mid-tempo swing in F)
'Chillin' in Chiang Mai' (reggae in E)
'Same Same' (Latin jazz in A minor)
'Ballad in C' (no words yet, but a nice melody and interesting changes)
So that's nine tunes in nine weeks, 6 have lyrics, and I'm satisfied with that level of output. It's what let's me justify my not going off and adventuring. My 'adventure' seems to be internal and artistic in nature, so I'm going with that for now. Am I fooling myself? (maybe, but don't we all, on some level?) And interestingly enough, when I wrote, 'am I fooling myself' I got a tiny little reaction inside that suggests...'hmmm interesting concept...wonder if there's a tune there'. It's that little flicker of interest in a certain part of my brain... a little bell goes off in the part that is always on the lookout for the next turn of phrase, the next seed of an idea. (but hey, maybe I'm just fooling myself, he said with forced irony). But yeah, there's something there... I'll think about it after I sleep....
(he said with a sluggish attempt at humor). But isn't that the way things really are... in between the moments of inspiration are many many moments of just plain old existence, make-it-through-the-day living. Is it some kind of conceit to think each moment should be filled with rapturous imaginings, passionate feelings and wondrous experiences? Likely so, and in my case, I can conjure it up as a failing on my part.... Gee, whatsisname is going through Vietnam on a motorcycle, these guys are trekking in the Himalayas, this one is getting scuba certified in Indonesia... while I sip a cappuccino every morning and then saunter over to the internet cafe and see if I can gaze at my navel in a new and interesting way... (first chuckle of the day, and I'm not quite sure why)
Nah, I'm not about to go down the road of 'poor me', that would be so lame, and so untrue. I'm extremely blessed at this point, yeah, even in my boring and safe existence here in Chiang Mai. I get to make music on a regular basis, both alone and with others, and that in itself is a HUGE asset. It's that communion which is available whenever I choose to taste it, and if 'music is a sacred opportunity', which is what I believe, (Principle number 1) then I get a chance to get sacred quite frequently. And yes, I can get sacred in a barroom, playing with and for drunk people.
Last night I saw 'Downtown Johnny' at the CU and he was wanting to play. I asked him if he'd like me to back him on bass, and he said, 'sure'. (not that I've ever backed him before, but he knows I can play). This guy is a true original, a Vietnam war vet, quite scarred, I think he's on a military disability pension, got a bad alcohol problem, though he is periodically on the wagon....not at the moment however. He's tall, gaunt, disheveled,speaks with a pronounced New England accent (he's from Maine), and when he's not drinking he looks depressed and terrible. And oh by the way, he sings like one of God's Angels, in a powerful, soulful, gut-wrenching voice that blows people away every time. He's just got that thing that you can't put your finger on, but you know it when you hear it. Soul.
But he's tough to deal with, especially for Jeff because Johnny needs the sound to be the way he wants it, the mic turned up, some delay on the guitar, and even if it's late and Jeff wants to start winding things down, Johnny needs it the way he needs it, or he can't play. So there's this natural clash that happens regularly, and Jeff has to suck it up and try to keep everybody happy. Not easy. But off we go in a seven song set, let's see, what did we play? 'Ferry Cross the Mersey', 'Jealous guy', 'Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone', 'Stand By Me', a few others I can't conjure back up right now, and it was GREAT! People love this guy. And I love being a side man, just focusing in, getting into his groove (principle 2), being a supporter, letting him shine. The songs were fairly simple, but Johnny just uses them as vehicles for letting his voice soar. (Man, if I had that kind of vocal talent, holy crap). It's exciting to be around...
He didn't say anything to me during the set, but afterwards he was effusive in his praise, 'You did great. It's so hard to find someone who can follow me. What are you doing on the 21st, I have a private gig and could you play bass for it?' I said I didn't have a bass here, but if you could score one for me to use, I'd be happy to play the gig. Just another night at the CU, 'the usual crowd shuffles in'... to coin a Billy Joel line from 'Piano Man'. I mentioned that to Jeff and he said, yeah, many times he thinks of that song in reference to the CU. I thought about doing a rewrite, but nah, not really, the idea fell by the wayside in 5 minutes or so...
Yeah, I'm probably coming down with a cold, and it wouldn't surprise me if I picked it up from these computers, where I was totally grossed out the other day as kids were sneezing, hacking, picking their noses and continuing to type away. Might have to find a new spot to work, though of course most places would offer the same germ pool. Where's my vitamin C. (like the Brits say, where the 'vit' rhymes with 'twit')
I've been singing my latest tune several times a day and it's feeling great, which means that it's time to get rolling on a new song... keep the energy going. I don't have any ideas at the moment, but I'll put my mind to it after a nap and see if I can imagine a direction. It's interesting at this point in that I have several different strategies for beginning. I can just start singing unaccompanied to see if I can stumble onto something that clicks. I can go 'music theory' and explore some harmonic thing that I like from a different song, see if I can write something using that trick. I can think in terms of 'groove', what kind of rhythm would I like to work with, what's missing from my repertoire? I can just sit and think lyrically, is there some turn of phrase that catches my ear, and can I expand upon it. I've written songs based on all of these starting strategies, (as well as a few more), so it's kind of pleasing to have a varied way of going about things.... and then when I've had my nap, read in my book, had my swim, said goodbye to M as she goes off to work, there is a point when I say, OK, Rich, spend some creative time, whatcha got?.
I've been two months on the road now, and here's what I've come up with so far:
Bossa Nova in F (with a harmonic element borrowed from 'Desafinado' and 'Take the A Train')
Mid tempo jazz thing in D (no words yet)
He's Got What it Takes (old time swing in G)
Everybody's Wrong But You (E minor blues with a twist)
Bhang Lassie (reggae in B minor)
Rockin' the Swing (mid-tempo swing in F)
'Chillin' in Chiang Mai' (reggae in E)
'Same Same' (Latin jazz in A minor)
'Ballad in C' (no words yet, but a nice melody and interesting changes)
So that's nine tunes in nine weeks, 6 have lyrics, and I'm satisfied with that level of output. It's what let's me justify my not going off and adventuring. My 'adventure' seems to be internal and artistic in nature, so I'm going with that for now. Am I fooling myself? (maybe, but don't we all, on some level?) And interestingly enough, when I wrote, 'am I fooling myself' I got a tiny little reaction inside that suggests...'hmmm interesting concept...wonder if there's a tune there'. It's that little flicker of interest in a certain part of my brain... a little bell goes off in the part that is always on the lookout for the next turn of phrase, the next seed of an idea. (but hey, maybe I'm just fooling myself, he said with forced irony). But yeah, there's something there... I'll think about it after I sleep....
At the temple....
Since M had a day off yesterday and didn't have to work until 3am, we made a plan to get up early and make a visit to the Buddhist Temple near Chiang Mai gate, at the southern edge of the old city. It's something she's been wanting to do, and as it's still close to the New Year, it seemed like a good idea to start the year off with a prayerful visit. On the way, we stopped at a store where we picked up some baskets of goodies, an offering to the monks. Along with the gift baskets, we got a couple of envelopes in which to place a cash donation. (this religion stuff can get expensive, thought the New york Jew:-)
Each of us put 100 Baht ($3.33) in the envelopes and M wrote our names in Thai on the outside, because the monk would bless us by name as part of the ceremony. She wrote my name in Thai characters, and it was kind of a trip to hear the Monk pronounce it perfectly by reading it in Thai. (who knew?). M was dressed as conservatively as I've seen her, a long sleeved shirt, and a pair of pinstriped capri pants, rather than her more customary short shorts and skimpier top. I was in my daily get up of camo shorts and a tee shirt. She said it's fine for a man, but a woman needs to cover up some.
We removed our sandals and walked in to the small temple. A woman was on her knees in front of an orange clad monk (who was also kneeling). She was receiving the blessing that he was offering. Toward the end, she poured water from a flask into a bowl, and shortly after that, the monk dipped a frond into some water and flicked it several times in her direction, showering drops on her as she remained in prayer pose, hands together in front of her heart. We were on the side as this was occurring, and when she was finished, we walked on our knees to take our place in front of the monk, a young man, maybe thirty years old.
We placed our baskets and envelopes alongside him, and he read the names, (including the name of our friend Manuel who had walked with us to the temple and made an offering as well. Manny chose not to go in, 'I'm not a practicing Buddhist', he said, and he was reluctant to write his full name on the envelope, as he's a 'wanted man'. ('Manuel' isn't his real name either BTW). But he wrote his correct name on the envelope, first and last, and that seems kind of poignant somehow, as even though he wasn't there, his name was blessed by the monk, and he was offered a year of health and ease and all good things. May it be so...
And may it be so for us as well, as we knelt in front of the monk, heard his incantation, heard our names, poured the water into the bowl, got sprinkled in turn, bowed low several times at the end, and then made our way back from whence we had come. M took the bowl of water which we had poured from the flask, and made her way to a lovely tree in the middle of the yard, knelt down, offered a silent prayer, and offered the water to the tree. As we put our sandals back on and left the grounds, I asked her about the water, what did it represent?
Pouring the water into the bowl is a representation of our shortcomings, our failings, the stuff we messed up. We offer it up and let it go away, and then are open to receiving the positive water which is splashed on us. And then pouring it on the tree is a way to connect with the ancestors, M's parents who have passed away, her brother and a niece who are also gone. They can receive the nourishment and connection from beyond the grave, and it's a way to keep the relationships alive. (That's my best summing up of what I gleaned from her)
We both felt renewed and glad for the visit, and we went to a vegetarian restaurant in the neighborhood to have a bite and celebrate together. Nice place, super cheap and delicious, I had some noodles and vegetable melange, both delicious, for about 85 cents total. M had her customary noodle soup with vegies and fake meat this time, for the same price. I've been eating a lot of meat here, and this place seems like a great alternative. I will return. She's now resting back at her room while I came to do a little writing, and then we'll hook up for a little one on one before her shift starts at 4:30. We're getting along very well lately,,,, interesting.
Last night we had a moment that could have gone south quickly, but we hung in with each other and turned it into something beautiful. We were on our way home from the Sunday market, I was tired after having danced tango while M was getting a massage, I had had enough of crowds, was looking forward to stretching out and going to sleep. Up ahead there was a group of M's friends, some of whom I knew, good people, they were having some beers at an outdoor table. Of course they wanted us to join them, and when M said, OK, just for one beer, I didn't take it well. Sunday is her day to not drink (allegedly), but that tends to get trumped by, 'these are my friends', 'but it's a party' whatever... I had a negative reaction, and I said,'you stay, I'll meet you back at the Guest House'. I didn't make any kind of a scene, but I suppose it was obvious that I wasn't into it. I continued on my way, rounded the corner, then stopped.... to see if she was coming with, I suppose. And a minute or so later, here she came, looking unhappy with me, 'why did I have to do that?' Why did I have to put a damper on that group of friends, who knew that we were now having some kind of problem.
I stayed where I was, wanting to talk about it, but she wanted to go back to the place...'I know you're tired'. I said, no, let's talk but she didn't want to. I said, we should go back to the group and just visit, but she's like, 'no the moment is gone, I've lost face, let's go home' She started heading away, I stayed wanting to work it through. an impasse.... After a couple of minutes, I started heading back to the group, which I knew would make M nervous, but I felt like I needed to apologize and just do it my way this time.
I got back and said that I was sorry for the way I treated that moment, and they were of course understanding and supportive. (The group was 5 Thais and two Farang, those two are dear friends and supporters of M). They said they understood perfectly, and no problem whatsoever. It felt good to make that connection, and I stayed for a couple of minutes, then continued on, only to find that M had come back toward the group (obviously wanting to see what the hell I was up to:-). I said, let's go back there and she was still reluctant. 'I know you're tired, I know you don't want to'
It was very hard for her to accept the fact that I'm open to change, that I highly value this very type of interaction, the kind where I can screw it up, and then try to make it better. It's part of my '5th principle... willingness to change', and yes, I'm willing.
It took some coaxing on my part, it was really hard for her to accept the fact that yes, I was willing to admit I was wrong, yes, let's go have a beer with your friends, yes, let's work it out. And we went back to the group, and it was good, and she finally started to believe that it was OK, and now there is some laughter, and good cheer and toasts for a happy new year. I let her lead in a lot of things, and this is one time where I figured that it was time for me to lead, do it Oregon style, communicate, work it through, rather than trudge unhappily away. There was plenty of resistance on her part, even disbelief, but I feel like I knew what I was doing, and I wasn't going to be deterred this time. And we're feeling closer as a result. One of those 'small things that is maybe a big thing'. I'm feeling good about her, about the temple, about me. 'Coming around to gratitude', like the song says... :-)
Each of us put 100 Baht ($3.33) in the envelopes and M wrote our names in Thai on the outside, because the monk would bless us by name as part of the ceremony. She wrote my name in Thai characters, and it was kind of a trip to hear the Monk pronounce it perfectly by reading it in Thai. (who knew?). M was dressed as conservatively as I've seen her, a long sleeved shirt, and a pair of pinstriped capri pants, rather than her more customary short shorts and skimpier top. I was in my daily get up of camo shorts and a tee shirt. She said it's fine for a man, but a woman needs to cover up some.
We removed our sandals and walked in to the small temple. A woman was on her knees in front of an orange clad monk (who was also kneeling). She was receiving the blessing that he was offering. Toward the end, she poured water from a flask into a bowl, and shortly after that, the monk dipped a frond into some water and flicked it several times in her direction, showering drops on her as she remained in prayer pose, hands together in front of her heart. We were on the side as this was occurring, and when she was finished, we walked on our knees to take our place in front of the monk, a young man, maybe thirty years old.
We placed our baskets and envelopes alongside him, and he read the names, (including the name of our friend Manuel who had walked with us to the temple and made an offering as well. Manny chose not to go in, 'I'm not a practicing Buddhist', he said, and he was reluctant to write his full name on the envelope, as he's a 'wanted man'. ('Manuel' isn't his real name either BTW). But he wrote his correct name on the envelope, first and last, and that seems kind of poignant somehow, as even though he wasn't there, his name was blessed by the monk, and he was offered a year of health and ease and all good things. May it be so...
And may it be so for us as well, as we knelt in front of the monk, heard his incantation, heard our names, poured the water into the bowl, got sprinkled in turn, bowed low several times at the end, and then made our way back from whence we had come. M took the bowl of water which we had poured from the flask, and made her way to a lovely tree in the middle of the yard, knelt down, offered a silent prayer, and offered the water to the tree. As we put our sandals back on and left the grounds, I asked her about the water, what did it represent?
Pouring the water into the bowl is a representation of our shortcomings, our failings, the stuff we messed up. We offer it up and let it go away, and then are open to receiving the positive water which is splashed on us. And then pouring it on the tree is a way to connect with the ancestors, M's parents who have passed away, her brother and a niece who are also gone. They can receive the nourishment and connection from beyond the grave, and it's a way to keep the relationships alive. (That's my best summing up of what I gleaned from her)
We both felt renewed and glad for the visit, and we went to a vegetarian restaurant in the neighborhood to have a bite and celebrate together. Nice place, super cheap and delicious, I had some noodles and vegetable melange, both delicious, for about 85 cents total. M had her customary noodle soup with vegies and fake meat this time, for the same price. I've been eating a lot of meat here, and this place seems like a great alternative. I will return. She's now resting back at her room while I came to do a little writing, and then we'll hook up for a little one on one before her shift starts at 4:30. We're getting along very well lately,,,, interesting.
Last night we had a moment that could have gone south quickly, but we hung in with each other and turned it into something beautiful. We were on our way home from the Sunday market, I was tired after having danced tango while M was getting a massage, I had had enough of crowds, was looking forward to stretching out and going to sleep. Up ahead there was a group of M's friends, some of whom I knew, good people, they were having some beers at an outdoor table. Of course they wanted us to join them, and when M said, OK, just for one beer, I didn't take it well. Sunday is her day to not drink (allegedly), but that tends to get trumped by, 'these are my friends', 'but it's a party' whatever... I had a negative reaction, and I said,'you stay, I'll meet you back at the Guest House'. I didn't make any kind of a scene, but I suppose it was obvious that I wasn't into it. I continued on my way, rounded the corner, then stopped.... to see if she was coming with, I suppose. And a minute or so later, here she came, looking unhappy with me, 'why did I have to do that?' Why did I have to put a damper on that group of friends, who knew that we were now having some kind of problem.
I stayed where I was, wanting to talk about it, but she wanted to go back to the place...'I know you're tired'. I said, no, let's talk but she didn't want to. I said, we should go back to the group and just visit, but she's like, 'no the moment is gone, I've lost face, let's go home' She started heading away, I stayed wanting to work it through. an impasse.... After a couple of minutes, I started heading back to the group, which I knew would make M nervous, but I felt like I needed to apologize and just do it my way this time.
I got back and said that I was sorry for the way I treated that moment, and they were of course understanding and supportive. (The group was 5 Thais and two Farang, those two are dear friends and supporters of M). They said they understood perfectly, and no problem whatsoever. It felt good to make that connection, and I stayed for a couple of minutes, then continued on, only to find that M had come back toward the group (obviously wanting to see what the hell I was up to:-). I said, let's go back there and she was still reluctant. 'I know you're tired, I know you don't want to'
It was very hard for her to accept the fact that I'm open to change, that I highly value this very type of interaction, the kind where I can screw it up, and then try to make it better. It's part of my '5th principle... willingness to change', and yes, I'm willing.
It took some coaxing on my part, it was really hard for her to accept the fact that yes, I was willing to admit I was wrong, yes, let's go have a beer with your friends, yes, let's work it out. And we went back to the group, and it was good, and she finally started to believe that it was OK, and now there is some laughter, and good cheer and toasts for a happy new year. I let her lead in a lot of things, and this is one time where I figured that it was time for me to lead, do it Oregon style, communicate, work it through, rather than trudge unhappily away. There was plenty of resistance on her part, even disbelief, but I feel like I knew what I was doing, and I wasn't going to be deterred this time. And we're feeling closer as a result. One of those 'small things that is maybe a big thing'. I'm feeling good about her, about the temple, about me. 'Coming around to gratitude', like the song says... :-)
What's right?
Seems like I've spent an inordinate time in describing what's wrong with M, and much less time in appreciating what's right. (as if I'm the arbiter of those things, which of course is a misconception, but hey, I live in this skin). We were sitting yesterday at the outdoor, friendly place where we often go for lunch around 2pm. It's just down the street from my guest house, and the cook/owner couldn't be friendlier. He's one of those guys whose face is in a smile, even when he's not smiling, it seems to be his natural relaxed state. And I think he shares my shtick mentality. The first couple of times I went there, I asked about the khow soi, which is featured prominently on the menu, but they didn't have it. I came to see that they don't make it any more, but each time I go there, I continue to ask 'mi kholw soi mai?' (Do you have khow soi? and he always answers 'mai mi' (nope, no have). It's now our standard greeting, and sometimes if I'm just walking down the street on my way somewhere else, he'll yell that out to me in passing... like I say, shtick...
And M is totally comfortable there, which pleases me a lot... She works so hard, so many hours, so it's a joy to have a place where we hang out, laugh with the owner, she'll grab a newspaper and relax waiting for the food, while I pretend to be offended that she's not paying attention to me. I enjoy seeing her at rest, comfortable, enjoying life, having a little time to kill, smiling, bantering with the folks who work there, we're regulars at this point, and they like us. Part of the reason is because she will often take this opportunity to work with me on some Thai language skills, and that's one of the things that I really appreciate about her. She wants me to understand, get better, use what I know, and she makes the effort to help me. She'll pronounce words very precisely and have me mimic her (to the amusement of the staff, but you can tell they feel very good about what they're seeing. It's fun and helpful and appreciated...
This is in contrast to what many Thai girlfriends and wives do here. I'm heard many stories of the actively discouraging their partners from learning Thai. It gives them an advantage, it lets them have their secrets and their power, it keeps the guys in the dark. M is the opposite of that. And that's another thing I love about her. She is honest to a fault, in all the time I've known her, I've never had an inkling that she wasn't being truthful with me. What a blessing that is! Even if it's stuff I don't want to hear, she is honest, and lord knows, I value the truth.
M has a 'big heart', and that is one of the prized assets in this country. When a Thai is describing a good person, that person has a 'big heart', has compassion, kindness concern for others. And my friend shares that characteristic. She's very giving, loves to take care of people including me. I kid her about it sometimes as she wants to help me cross the street or something. 'Uh honey, I've been crossing streets for a long time' but it's just her way.
I guess it's appreciation day. Last night in the bar, she was very sweet to me, making contact, letting people know that she's got a guy (me), and that is a relief, actually. Part of my stress is having these guys thinking about how they're going to make their move on the waitress. It would be nice to let that irritant go, feels like a reprieve, and I'm grateful for it... I know that she did it consciously, and I do appreciate it. We're on some kind of journey together, lots of learning on both sides, and that is something to be treasured. And I do...
My time's up here at the cafe... just got the 5 minute warning, time to head back home, and enjoy M's day off with her. Wonderful to have this chance for relaxation and connection... Gratitude on a Sunday...
And M is totally comfortable there, which pleases me a lot... She works so hard, so many hours, so it's a joy to have a place where we hang out, laugh with the owner, she'll grab a newspaper and relax waiting for the food, while I pretend to be offended that she's not paying attention to me. I enjoy seeing her at rest, comfortable, enjoying life, having a little time to kill, smiling, bantering with the folks who work there, we're regulars at this point, and they like us. Part of the reason is because she will often take this opportunity to work with me on some Thai language skills, and that's one of the things that I really appreciate about her. She wants me to understand, get better, use what I know, and she makes the effort to help me. She'll pronounce words very precisely and have me mimic her (to the amusement of the staff, but you can tell they feel very good about what they're seeing. It's fun and helpful and appreciated...
This is in contrast to what many Thai girlfriends and wives do here. I'm heard many stories of the actively discouraging their partners from learning Thai. It gives them an advantage, it lets them have their secrets and their power, it keeps the guys in the dark. M is the opposite of that. And that's another thing I love about her. She is honest to a fault, in all the time I've known her, I've never had an inkling that she wasn't being truthful with me. What a blessing that is! Even if it's stuff I don't want to hear, she is honest, and lord knows, I value the truth.
M has a 'big heart', and that is one of the prized assets in this country. When a Thai is describing a good person, that person has a 'big heart', has compassion, kindness concern for others. And my friend shares that characteristic. She's very giving, loves to take care of people including me. I kid her about it sometimes as she wants to help me cross the street or something. 'Uh honey, I've been crossing streets for a long time' but it's just her way.
I guess it's appreciation day. Last night in the bar, she was very sweet to me, making contact, letting people know that she's got a guy (me), and that is a relief, actually. Part of my stress is having these guys thinking about how they're going to make their move on the waitress. It would be nice to let that irritant go, feels like a reprieve, and I'm grateful for it... I know that she did it consciously, and I do appreciate it. We're on some kind of journey together, lots of learning on both sides, and that is something to be treasured. And I do...
My time's up here at the cafe... just got the 5 minute warning, time to head back home, and enjoy M's day off with her. Wonderful to have this chance for relaxation and connection... Gratitude on a Sunday...
Same same, take 2
You see them walking down the Avenue
She's twenty five, he's sixty two
And though it seems that they don't belong
There's something pulling and it's mighty strong
Same same, everybody's in the game
Same same, like a moth and flame
Same same, he needs that honey
She needs that money
Same same
You can tell what he's looking for
A little friend and a whole lot more
The man would move a mountain
To take a dip in that fountain
Youth is fleeting, we know the score
She's had enough of being poor
As long as he treats her nice
It may be worth the sacrifice
Same same, everybody's in the game
Same same, like a moth and flame
Same same, he needs that honey
She needs that money
Same same
Easy to judge what others do
Even when it sickens you
Want to see it clearer?
Take a look in the mirror
Same same, everybody's in the game
Same same, like a moth and flame
Same same....
She's twenty five, he's sixty two
And though it seems that they don't belong
There's something pulling and it's mighty strong
Same same, everybody's in the game
Same same, like a moth and flame
Same same, he needs that honey
She needs that money
Same same
You can tell what he's looking for
A little friend and a whole lot more
The man would move a mountain
To take a dip in that fountain
Youth is fleeting, we know the score
She's had enough of being poor
As long as he treats her nice
It may be worth the sacrifice
Same same, everybody's in the game
Same same, like a moth and flame
Same same, he needs that honey
She needs that money
Same same
Easy to judge what others do
Even when it sickens you
Want to see it clearer?
Take a look in the mirror
Same same, everybody's in the game
Same same, like a moth and flame
Same same....
Same same...
That's one of the things that you hear here, 'same same'. (and yes, I love that opening sentence... maybe I should quit while I'm ahead.... and while I'm digressing, let me note that this is my earliest digression to date, a line one digression, impressive!) Hear hear! Same same! (Editor's note, ''OK dude, start writing")
Same same is pigeon English, meaning... wait for it... the same. I don't know why it comes out like that here, but it does. I guess they like to double up on one syllable sounds 'boom boom, tuk tuk, same same etc'. I've seen tee shirts that say, 'Same same, but different', and that's a bit of a cliche here as well. Don't quite appreciate the whimsy, but whatever. I've got a better idea for a tee shirt slogan, and if I saw this shirt, I'd buy it. 'Chillin' in Chiang Mai' and below that 'Sabai sabai' (it's all good). (Ok those are some lyrics to my tune, but I think they make a great tee shirt slogan).
So as promised, yesterday I set about to write some lyrics to my new Santana-inspired latin groove. It took me until the afternoon to get going on it, but I did get some focused time in, and what came out was pretty cool. The tune is gonna be called 'Same same', and it feels like one of those that will grow into something special. There is a thing that happens sometimes when I start writing about one thing and along the way, it evolves into something else. For instance I might be writing a love song, and it turns into a God song. It's like when I came up with the 5 principles of making music, and they turned into something bigger than that. You start down the path, and it can uncover into something surprising. And I have just a hunch that 'same same', even though it started off as a description of what I see around me, will end up being about something I see inside of me as well... Just a hunch, but I tend to trust those hunches lately.
So here's what I came up with yesterday. Think Latin groove a la 'Smooth' here's a link to it if yer interested http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MXp413NynFk
You see them walking down the avenue
She's twenty five, he's sixty two
And though it looks like they don't belong
There's something pulling and it's mighty strong
You can tell what he's looking for
A little lady and a whole lot more
You can see what she's looking for
Security and a major score
Same same, everybody's in the game
Same same, like the moth and flame
Same same, he needs that honey
She needs that money
Same same
...........................................................
That's all I came up with on the first pass, but it worked and I played it last night in the bar and yeah, it's gonna be good. Today I plan on digging in again and coming up with some more verses, now that the structure is fairly well set. I think the idea is to come up with ideas in which the characters appear to be different but are actually the same same. Hmmm, a latin groove treatise on that old philosophical conundrum of 'the one and the many'. Or maybe a salsa groove about 'duality'. Intriguing to this puzzle dude. And if people are talking and not paying attention, as happened in the bar last night, and I'm a background musician. (ugh), well hey, it's a great groove that they're tapping along to anyway. So there ya go...
And I am still remarkably stuck in the M drama, have never been in a pattern like this in which I'm bouncing around emotionally on such a regular basis. It's like I'm doing some kind of field work on compulsion, and the guinea pig is me. Normally, if I get my button pushed as much as it gets pushed in this situation, I'm so gone, and in my mind, I've been gone numerous times, but something keeps us coming back for more, not all that different than the verse in the song above, but in our case it's not an 'age and money' duality, but some other one in which we must be getting something out of the connection, despite the challenges on both sides. In my case, I'm seeing a woman who dresses sexy, flirts with the guys at the bar as part of her job, many of whom would like to take her home. Why would I do that? It makes no sense, why would I subject myself to that? And why would she subject herself to a judgmental guy who doesn't accept her for who she is, who criticizes her drinking and smoking, who pushes her buttons as much as she pushes mine? Why indeed? And like I say, I have a hunch that the answer gets revealed as 'same same'. (but I'm not quite there yet).
I guess for me, this act of returning for more is some kind of a positive (or am I being delusional?). But I have a sense that there is more to be gained by not simply disappearing, quitting and letting fear or uncomfortability run the show. Of course the odds are 99 to 1 that we could last as a couple, make that 999 to 1, given my history, the situation in which she's working in a bar, the distance etc. OK 9999 to 1, so it's obviously not a rational thing that's going on. But something's going on and I will continue to experience this process until it's over. (which seems like it could happen at the drop of a hat, yet we still have this gravitational pull on one another, time after time).
Same same (but you knew that)
Same same is pigeon English, meaning... wait for it... the same. I don't know why it comes out like that here, but it does. I guess they like to double up on one syllable sounds 'boom boom, tuk tuk, same same etc'. I've seen tee shirts that say, 'Same same, but different', and that's a bit of a cliche here as well. Don't quite appreciate the whimsy, but whatever. I've got a better idea for a tee shirt slogan, and if I saw this shirt, I'd buy it. 'Chillin' in Chiang Mai' and below that 'Sabai sabai' (it's all good). (Ok those are some lyrics to my tune, but I think they make a great tee shirt slogan).
So as promised, yesterday I set about to write some lyrics to my new Santana-inspired latin groove. It took me until the afternoon to get going on it, but I did get some focused time in, and what came out was pretty cool. The tune is gonna be called 'Same same', and it feels like one of those that will grow into something special. There is a thing that happens sometimes when I start writing about one thing and along the way, it evolves into something else. For instance I might be writing a love song, and it turns into a God song. It's like when I came up with the 5 principles of making music, and they turned into something bigger than that. You start down the path, and it can uncover into something surprising. And I have just a hunch that 'same same', even though it started off as a description of what I see around me, will end up being about something I see inside of me as well... Just a hunch, but I tend to trust those hunches lately.
So here's what I came up with yesterday. Think Latin groove a la 'Smooth' here's a link to it if yer interested http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MXp413NynFk
You see them walking down the avenue
She's twenty five, he's sixty two
And though it looks like they don't belong
There's something pulling and it's mighty strong
You can tell what he's looking for
A little lady and a whole lot more
You can see what she's looking for
Security and a major score
Same same, everybody's in the game
Same same, like the moth and flame
Same same, he needs that honey
She needs that money
Same same
...........................................................
That's all I came up with on the first pass, but it worked and I played it last night in the bar and yeah, it's gonna be good. Today I plan on digging in again and coming up with some more verses, now that the structure is fairly well set. I think the idea is to come up with ideas in which the characters appear to be different but are actually the same same. Hmmm, a latin groove treatise on that old philosophical conundrum of 'the one and the many'. Or maybe a salsa groove about 'duality'. Intriguing to this puzzle dude. And if people are talking and not paying attention, as happened in the bar last night, and I'm a background musician. (ugh), well hey, it's a great groove that they're tapping along to anyway. So there ya go...
And I am still remarkably stuck in the M drama, have never been in a pattern like this in which I'm bouncing around emotionally on such a regular basis. It's like I'm doing some kind of field work on compulsion, and the guinea pig is me. Normally, if I get my button pushed as much as it gets pushed in this situation, I'm so gone, and in my mind, I've been gone numerous times, but something keeps us coming back for more, not all that different than the verse in the song above, but in our case it's not an 'age and money' duality, but some other one in which we must be getting something out of the connection, despite the challenges on both sides. In my case, I'm seeing a woman who dresses sexy, flirts with the guys at the bar as part of her job, many of whom would like to take her home. Why would I do that? It makes no sense, why would I subject myself to that? And why would she subject herself to a judgmental guy who doesn't accept her for who she is, who criticizes her drinking and smoking, who pushes her buttons as much as she pushes mine? Why indeed? And like I say, I have a hunch that the answer gets revealed as 'same same'. (but I'm not quite there yet).
I guess for me, this act of returning for more is some kind of a positive (or am I being delusional?). But I have a sense that there is more to be gained by not simply disappearing, quitting and letting fear or uncomfortability run the show. Of course the odds are 99 to 1 that we could last as a couple, make that 999 to 1, given my history, the situation in which she's working in a bar, the distance etc. OK 9999 to 1, so it's obviously not a rational thing that's going on. But something's going on and I will continue to experience this process until it's over. (which seems like it could happen at the drop of a hat, yet we still have this gravitational pull on one another, time after time).
Same same (but you knew that)
The crawl....
Got Santana playing in my headphones to try and drown out the lousy music in the internet cafe, and also because I'm feeling some kind of Latin groove in my soul this morning. I was having my daily morning cappucino at Noi's place down the end of my soi (street), and one of the great things about that place is the fact that there is a decent steel string guitar that lives there. So I get to drink a delicious cup of the best coffee, check in with my friend, and strum a guitar when the mood strikes. And it strikes today.
As always, I'm on the lookout for the next song, and it occurred to me that we could use something latino and tropical in the club. Both of the reggae things I've come up with are hits there now, getting great reaction, so let's add to the tropical flavor (it's hot enough for crissakes) with something 'suavecito' (smooth, tu sabes?). Lately I'm in love with these dominant chords that have a flatted fifth. They add a gritty dissonance and are great for substituting into a progression. For instance, (and this is for the musicians), you could play an Am to E7 latin groove and it sounds nice, but if you spice it up, it could be [Am7 Am6] Bm7 E7] and if you take it one step further, it could be [Am7 Am6] Bm7 Bb7b5] and that last chord is the one that gives it the grit, the dissonant harmony that feels so damn good to hear and to play.
So I was messing around in that style this morning, thinking about the constant flow of 'love gone wrong' stories that you hear on a daily basis. And when I say the word 'love', I'm being facetious. This morning I'm leaving my room on the 5th floor and this old French guy comes up to me and in a too loud voice, asks if I know another hotel around here. I try and shush him, it's 8:30am and people are sleeping, and I whisper, 'what's wrong with this place?' 'I had a problem with a girl last night that the people are not sympathetic, so I find another place'. Yesterday I'm talking to this Australian guy who was bummed out because the 'girl' (lady boy) he brought home with him ripped him off for 10,000 baht ($350) while he was sleeping (passed out). 'I had it hidden in my toilet kit, I can't believe she found it' (yeah, who would ever think to look there...?) Story after story after story about older (and not so older) guys shelling out lots of money to buy her a house, buy her a car, put a roof on mom's house, get her started in a business etc, only to get ripped off, replaced, or otherwise spurned. How is it possible that the woman you've been 'in love' with for three weeks could do that to you?
And no, I'm not blaming the women, though of course in some cases, they are some conniving bitches. It seems to be a perfectly predictable result of the inequality that lets overweight, unattractive, old farang strut around with gorgeous young Thai women on their arm as if it were the most natural thing in the world. No free lunch, apparently, no free nookie either, and the courts here are now filling up with case after case of 'love' gone wrong. I think I'll spend today just asking around about stories, there is no shortage; you hear them on a daily basis. There's the guy who killed himself after he spent all his money setting up his lady in a nice house, and when he showed up there, she told him to get lost. She was living with some Thai guy and the farang was now broke and a dead man walking. Bang!
And as I'm writing, I'm trying to find the lyrical hook that will tie the anecdotes together.... it's in there somewhere and my mind is in full 'puzzle mode' to try and come up with the right words, the right tone, the right stance that will make sense in a public venue. It's not outrage, it's not feeling sorry, it's not blaming, it's not particularly judgmental, it just is. And it feels like the time to be a dispassionate observer, the wandering minstrel who calls it like he sees it, adds a little humor, some sarcasm and wit, and tells the story that we all know. So there's my assignment for the day. I got the groove, now I need the flesh and gristle.
As always, I'm on the lookout for the next song, and it occurred to me that we could use something latino and tropical in the club. Both of the reggae things I've come up with are hits there now, getting great reaction, so let's add to the tropical flavor (it's hot enough for crissakes) with something 'suavecito' (smooth, tu sabes?). Lately I'm in love with these dominant chords that have a flatted fifth. They add a gritty dissonance and are great for substituting into a progression. For instance, (and this is for the musicians), you could play an Am to E7 latin groove and it sounds nice, but if you spice it up, it could be [Am7 Am6] Bm7 E7] and if you take it one step further, it could be [Am7 Am6] Bm7 Bb7b5] and that last chord is the one that gives it the grit, the dissonant harmony that feels so damn good to hear and to play.
So I was messing around in that style this morning, thinking about the constant flow of 'love gone wrong' stories that you hear on a daily basis. And when I say the word 'love', I'm being facetious. This morning I'm leaving my room on the 5th floor and this old French guy comes up to me and in a too loud voice, asks if I know another hotel around here. I try and shush him, it's 8:30am and people are sleeping, and I whisper, 'what's wrong with this place?' 'I had a problem with a girl last night that the people are not sympathetic, so I find another place'. Yesterday I'm talking to this Australian guy who was bummed out because the 'girl' (lady boy) he brought home with him ripped him off for 10,000 baht ($350) while he was sleeping (passed out). 'I had it hidden in my toilet kit, I can't believe she found it' (yeah, who would ever think to look there...?) Story after story after story about older (and not so older) guys shelling out lots of money to buy her a house, buy her a car, put a roof on mom's house, get her started in a business etc, only to get ripped off, replaced, or otherwise spurned. How is it possible that the woman you've been 'in love' with for three weeks could do that to you?
And no, I'm not blaming the women, though of course in some cases, they are some conniving bitches. It seems to be a perfectly predictable result of the inequality that lets overweight, unattractive, old farang strut around with gorgeous young Thai women on their arm as if it were the most natural thing in the world. No free lunch, apparently, no free nookie either, and the courts here are now filling up with case after case of 'love' gone wrong. I think I'll spend today just asking around about stories, there is no shortage; you hear them on a daily basis. There's the guy who killed himself after he spent all his money setting up his lady in a nice house, and when he showed up there, she told him to get lost. She was living with some Thai guy and the farang was now broke and a dead man walking. Bang!
And as I'm writing, I'm trying to find the lyrical hook that will tie the anecdotes together.... it's in there somewhere and my mind is in full 'puzzle mode' to try and come up with the right words, the right tone, the right stance that will make sense in a public venue. It's not outrage, it's not feeling sorry, it's not blaming, it's not particularly judgmental, it just is. And it feels like the time to be a dispassionate observer, the wandering minstrel who calls it like he sees it, adds a little humor, some sarcasm and wit, and tells the story that we all know. So there's my assignment for the day. I got the groove, now I need the flesh and gristle.
Let's see, how can I avoid this....
Hmmm I wonder what's in the news.... Anything happening over at ESPN.com? There must be some emails that I need to respond to? Gee, I really want to finish that chapter in the book that I'm in the middle of. Where's my guitar, maybe I could start a new song?
Uh, sorry dude, no dice, you know the rules. If it's in your mind and heart, you've got to go ahead and go there. What do they say in AA, you're only as sick as your secrets. And in trying to describe the process of avoidance, it helps to disempower the scary reality of facing one of the true and deep channels of my psyche. Not quite ready to get there yet, but close.
I'm flashing on that old song, 'Another Saturday Night and I Ain't Got Nobody' (I got some money cause I just got paid). The first verse goes like this. 'I got in town a month ago, and I have seen a lot of girls since then. If I could meet 'em I could get 'em, as yet I haven't met 'em. That's why I'm in the shape I'm in.... and it's just another Saturday night....'
In my case, I'd have to add another piece to the verse. 'If I could meet 'em, I could get 'em, and when I get 'em, I'd like to forget 'em (he chuckled sardonically). Ah yes, the awful truth is that damn, if I had to choose between being alone and 'free' or being connected and 'restricted', I'd go with the former. At least that's my feeling when my mind starts tripping down the well worn path. And I don't even need a flashlight, my brain knows the way. It could be pitch black, but there's no mistaking the trail. I've been down it forever.
I'm not feeling hopeless or in despair, merely registering the fact that once M and I started building trust and getting closer, once we agreed that she and I would try out being together, taking care of one another... (not forever, but for now), once she is willing to say, 'OK I'm not going to look for another person to take care of me', once 'I win' and vanquish all competitors, then there is some reflex that kicks in and says 'DANGER, RICH GLAUBER', now you've gone and done it! Now you've made somebody love you, now you have a responsibility that you can't fulfill, now you aren't free, now you can't fuck anybody you want to (which is my basic definition of 'free', sad but true). So yeah, my mind just had the first taste of 'uh oh', and I'm hoping that I can process and dissemble some of the long long long held patterns which have formed the core of my 'relationship history'. The final frontier....
So for the purposes of trying to clarify some of the chaos, and yeah, it feels like chaos in that channel, I will experiment and try to categorize the stuff that comes up when that button gets pushed.
She's not the one. (as if there was a 'one'. Maybe there is, or maybe the idea of 'the one' is a convenient rationale for not moving forward. *Make a note of that particular conundrum for possible future exploration (it's a good topic). But in the meantime, under the heading of 'she's not the one' I can list all of the things that don't work. she smokes and drinks, she might not communicate on the same 'meta' level as I do. I could list many things about her that don't work for me, but that's probably more about me than about her. My judgmental self kicks in, and it's about all that she does wrong. When I'm in this state, could anybody measure up? Nope not really, the judge will 'win' every time. (and that's a pretty good definition of 'losing'. hmmmm. And the obvious conclusion is that it's my problem, it's my judge that rigs the game, decides the outcome. That's a tough thing to overcome, in that it seems like I have to suspend my belief in what I see as 'her problems' in order to focus on my own. (so much easier to just blame her and be done with it). but I have an instinct that says I need to do this work ultimately. Even if it hurts me, even if I'm wrong, there is value in trying to rein in the judge and 'see' what happens. (I 'know' what happens if I don't)
What?! I can't chase those lovely women I see everywhere? The ones who dig me at tango? The ones who rub my feet at the massage place? This is Thailand, you get a free pass to indulge your inner Casanova... ok your inner Caligula. It's a perfect opportunity to live that fantasy... pay your money and ride the ferris wheel, or maybe don't even pay your money, you might find a free pass. Is it shallow? Of course, Viva la Shallow! Why the hell would I come over here and NOT play that game? Everybody does it (not really, but many many do), why don't I get to play? Hmmm, I don't have a good answer for that one. There is some part of my psyche that wants to definitely get that out of my system, relationship be damned. Besides, 'she's not the one' (he added hopefully). Note to self, if I can't come up with a good reason to 'not' mess around like that, that might be my answer. I don't think you can have it both ways, but I'm not entirely sure about that either. It's different here, and I think a good conversation with M is in order. I know that I couldn't handle it if she was the one playing around, but there might be some scenario where 'men and women are different' and well, who knows? It's certainly worth a conversation to find out her stance on that.
I'm sure I'll get back on this topic over the coming days, but for now, I feel pretty peaceful. There's a lot to be said for just having a look inside and trying to describe it, I guess it's the difference between manning the tiller as opposed to being chained up below decks. M is asleep in my room, time to go back, have a swim, then grab some food before she goes off to work. I got a little distracted just now because Wayne put up a bunch of the photos on Facebook and wow, that's pretty exposed... but no more exposed than the blog, eh? Seems to be a trend. Feeling good, no fear.
Uh, sorry dude, no dice, you know the rules. If it's in your mind and heart, you've got to go ahead and go there. What do they say in AA, you're only as sick as your secrets. And in trying to describe the process of avoidance, it helps to disempower the scary reality of facing one of the true and deep channels of my psyche. Not quite ready to get there yet, but close.
I'm flashing on that old song, 'Another Saturday Night and I Ain't Got Nobody' (I got some money cause I just got paid). The first verse goes like this. 'I got in town a month ago, and I have seen a lot of girls since then. If I could meet 'em I could get 'em, as yet I haven't met 'em. That's why I'm in the shape I'm in.... and it's just another Saturday night....'
In my case, I'd have to add another piece to the verse. 'If I could meet 'em, I could get 'em, and when I get 'em, I'd like to forget 'em (he chuckled sardonically). Ah yes, the awful truth is that damn, if I had to choose between being alone and 'free' or being connected and 'restricted', I'd go with the former. At least that's my feeling when my mind starts tripping down the well worn path. And I don't even need a flashlight, my brain knows the way. It could be pitch black, but there's no mistaking the trail. I've been down it forever.
I'm not feeling hopeless or in despair, merely registering the fact that once M and I started building trust and getting closer, once we agreed that she and I would try out being together, taking care of one another... (not forever, but for now), once she is willing to say, 'OK I'm not going to look for another person to take care of me', once 'I win' and vanquish all competitors, then there is some reflex that kicks in and says 'DANGER, RICH GLAUBER', now you've gone and done it! Now you've made somebody love you, now you have a responsibility that you can't fulfill, now you aren't free, now you can't fuck anybody you want to (which is my basic definition of 'free', sad but true). So yeah, my mind just had the first taste of 'uh oh', and I'm hoping that I can process and dissemble some of the long long long held patterns which have formed the core of my 'relationship history'. The final frontier....
So for the purposes of trying to clarify some of the chaos, and yeah, it feels like chaos in that channel, I will experiment and try to categorize the stuff that comes up when that button gets pushed.
She's not the one. (as if there was a 'one'. Maybe there is, or maybe the idea of 'the one' is a convenient rationale for not moving forward. *Make a note of that particular conundrum for possible future exploration (it's a good topic). But in the meantime, under the heading of 'she's not the one' I can list all of the things that don't work. she smokes and drinks, she might not communicate on the same 'meta' level as I do. I could list many things about her that don't work for me, but that's probably more about me than about her. My judgmental self kicks in, and it's about all that she does wrong. When I'm in this state, could anybody measure up? Nope not really, the judge will 'win' every time. (and that's a pretty good definition of 'losing'. hmmmm. And the obvious conclusion is that it's my problem, it's my judge that rigs the game, decides the outcome. That's a tough thing to overcome, in that it seems like I have to suspend my belief in what I see as 'her problems' in order to focus on my own. (so much easier to just blame her and be done with it). but I have an instinct that says I need to do this work ultimately. Even if it hurts me, even if I'm wrong, there is value in trying to rein in the judge and 'see' what happens. (I 'know' what happens if I don't)
What?! I can't chase those lovely women I see everywhere? The ones who dig me at tango? The ones who rub my feet at the massage place? This is Thailand, you get a free pass to indulge your inner Casanova... ok your inner Caligula. It's a perfect opportunity to live that fantasy... pay your money and ride the ferris wheel, or maybe don't even pay your money, you might find a free pass. Is it shallow? Of course, Viva la Shallow! Why the hell would I come over here and NOT play that game? Everybody does it (not really, but many many do), why don't I get to play? Hmmm, I don't have a good answer for that one. There is some part of my psyche that wants to definitely get that out of my system, relationship be damned. Besides, 'she's not the one' (he added hopefully). Note to self, if I can't come up with a good reason to 'not' mess around like that, that might be my answer. I don't think you can have it both ways, but I'm not entirely sure about that either. It's different here, and I think a good conversation with M is in order. I know that I couldn't handle it if she was the one playing around, but there might be some scenario where 'men and women are different' and well, who knows? It's certainly worth a conversation to find out her stance on that.
I'm sure I'll get back on this topic over the coming days, but for now, I feel pretty peaceful. There's a lot to be said for just having a look inside and trying to describe it, I guess it's the difference between manning the tiller as opposed to being chained up below decks. M is asleep in my room, time to go back, have a swim, then grab some food before she goes off to work. I got a little distracted just now because Wayne put up a bunch of the photos on Facebook and wow, that's pretty exposed... but no more exposed than the blog, eh? Seems to be a trend. Feeling good, no fear.
Comin' Around to Gratitude
Got a raise last night, played a great set with my buddy Scott, had a big crowd that stayed and enjoyed the music, shook some shakers, laughed along, another perfect "ladies night" at the CU. Then we stuck around to back Apple, so that amounts to 3 straight hours of music, no break. And I love it. Jeff came through with 500 baht rather than the usual 400, and that meant that I earned a cool $10 for my night's work. We have to kinda sneak the money piece, nothing is out in the open, because technically I'm not allowed to earn money here, so we will have the '$10 handshake' or he'll slip something into my pocket. It's just the way things are done... and he asks that I do the same when I pay Scott, so of course I do.
After the amplified music ended, this young Aussie guy, looks biracial, almost Maori and Caucasian, big handsome guy... he grabbed a guitar and wowed the late night crowd. His name is Clayton, looks early 30s, and he had sat in with us for a couple of numbers that evening. He was talking to Jeff when I showed up to play the 9pm set, and Jeff turned him over to me, saying that 'this is the guy you need to talk to about playing'. Clayton was kinda cheeky, wise-ass, full of himself, so within 20 seconds, I'm saying to him, 'So in other words, you're giving shit to the guy who is trying to get you on stage?' He reminded me of myself as a younger man, and that feeling only increased as the night went on.
Clayton told me that he only brought one harmonica, a D harp, which meant that he could blow some blues in the key of A, and I got him up to jamming in the later set, and he was great, making up lyrics, going for it, singing and playing the blues. He asked to do another song, and I said, 'what do you want to do?' He asked if we knew 'Like a Rolling Stone', and sure, can do, though I needed to talk Apple through the chord progression for a second. So we launch into it, Clayton is rocking, the place is into it, and we reach the 'How does it feel?' section and people are singing along loudly. Then Clayton is asking for a little tempo increase and we give it to him for the next verse, and now it's really rockin', and he's mostly doing the lyrics, but throwing in some Chiang Mai references too, like I say, a younger version of me, (taking over, making up shit, working the crowd). That's kind of the magic of the CU, people show up, they get a chance to get up there and give it a shot. (It helps to have a house band of pro musicians, and that's what we were). So young Clayton was a big hit and we all dug it. Then he stuck around, grabbed the guitar, put himself in the center of the room and played 'Dream', 'Sweet Caroline' 'Hey Good Lookin' and 'American Pie' to the delight of the late night drinkers. He handed me the guitar and I followed with 'Hound Dog' (in A, so he could blow some harp), and then a version of 'Sloop John B' in D, so he could blow some 'straight harp' along with that. People were singing along, having a blast until 1am when Dao said we had to quit. (got to keep the neighbors happy) Quite a fun night, and quite a treat to jam with my younger self... (several people had said he was like a younger version of me) (I added 'and more talented' in a nice example of false modesty). It was very fun.
Spent the night alone (a rarity lately) as M is at that womanly place in her month where it feels right to have a night apart. (TMI?) We've been in quite a fine groove lately, a gift to be sure, and we seem to both want to ride the wave. It feels especially nice after the turmoil to just be in 'appreciation' mode, love mode, 'not try to change the other' mode. I do take it with a grain of salt, I'm not head over heels, but it is feeling like a deep connection, and my soul needs that. 'Gratitude' seems to be the best approach. Nuff said.
Spent the better part of two hours yesterday modeling for some pictures with photographer, Wayne Edginton, a guy my age, from Yorkshire in northern England, now married to a Thai woman (baby on the way) and living just outside of Chiang Mai. He's a real photographer, and he was fun to work with, great sense of humor, just a good guy (and I love the accent). He came by the Guest House and took some shots by the pool, at the table, in the hallway, me in a bathing suit, as well as dressed in a pair of slacks and a shirt. We've got a little trade going, music lessons for photography work, what a deal, huh? Wayne had a career in Health Care in Great Britain, now has a comfortable pension and is living the good life. Haven't seen the pix yet, but I'll bet there is some good stuff there, though as I said, no matter how good they are, I'm still a 58 year old guy, so I don't think there's any modeling career in my future. But it is nice to document this period of time, That's the goal. We even swung by CU to get a few shots of M and I together. We don't have any. I'll post something when I get something...
So is this blog getting boring? music in the bar blah blah blah... I love Chiang Mai blah blah blah... I dig M blah blah blah. Me, I'm not bored with it, somehow it's not about being impressive or getting a reaction or 'hey look at me'. I mean, those feelings are in there too, but somehow there is something deeper going on. It's as though the desire for a reaction is being subsumed by the more mature desire to just keep at it and keep uncovering. it's not about the incidents themselves, the great nights, the fun jams. That's just a starting point, then you push off, hoist the sail and you're on a journey of looking in and looking out. I just flashed on the Siddhartha story by Hermann Hesse, in which Siddhartha had all these adventures around the world, and then ended up as a ferry boat worker, going back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. The journey is inside ultimately; you can find the wind, the sun, the mountain inside. It's just a breath away... I'm trying to capture that feeling in the bridge to my latest song, Chillin in Chiang Mai.
We're takin' it step by step
Climbing up to Doi Suthep (the famous temple high on the hill, west of Chiang Mai)
How high the path will go
Is something only you can know ....
'Chillin in Chiang Mai... sabai sabai (it's all good)'
Ain't no worries, mai pen rai
If you're willin' to be chillin' in Chiang Mai
After the amplified music ended, this young Aussie guy, looks biracial, almost Maori and Caucasian, big handsome guy... he grabbed a guitar and wowed the late night crowd. His name is Clayton, looks early 30s, and he had sat in with us for a couple of numbers that evening. He was talking to Jeff when I showed up to play the 9pm set, and Jeff turned him over to me, saying that 'this is the guy you need to talk to about playing'. Clayton was kinda cheeky, wise-ass, full of himself, so within 20 seconds, I'm saying to him, 'So in other words, you're giving shit to the guy who is trying to get you on stage?' He reminded me of myself as a younger man, and that feeling only increased as the night went on.
Clayton told me that he only brought one harmonica, a D harp, which meant that he could blow some blues in the key of A, and I got him up to jamming in the later set, and he was great, making up lyrics, going for it, singing and playing the blues. He asked to do another song, and I said, 'what do you want to do?' He asked if we knew 'Like a Rolling Stone', and sure, can do, though I needed to talk Apple through the chord progression for a second. So we launch into it, Clayton is rocking, the place is into it, and we reach the 'How does it feel?' section and people are singing along loudly. Then Clayton is asking for a little tempo increase and we give it to him for the next verse, and now it's really rockin', and he's mostly doing the lyrics, but throwing in some Chiang Mai references too, like I say, a younger version of me, (taking over, making up shit, working the crowd). That's kind of the magic of the CU, people show up, they get a chance to get up there and give it a shot. (It helps to have a house band of pro musicians, and that's what we were). So young Clayton was a big hit and we all dug it. Then he stuck around, grabbed the guitar, put himself in the center of the room and played 'Dream', 'Sweet Caroline' 'Hey Good Lookin' and 'American Pie' to the delight of the late night drinkers. He handed me the guitar and I followed with 'Hound Dog' (in A, so he could blow some harp), and then a version of 'Sloop John B' in D, so he could blow some 'straight harp' along with that. People were singing along, having a blast until 1am when Dao said we had to quit. (got to keep the neighbors happy) Quite a fun night, and quite a treat to jam with my younger self... (several people had said he was like a younger version of me) (I added 'and more talented' in a nice example of false modesty). It was very fun.
Spent the night alone (a rarity lately) as M is at that womanly place in her month where it feels right to have a night apart. (TMI?) We've been in quite a fine groove lately, a gift to be sure, and we seem to both want to ride the wave. It feels especially nice after the turmoil to just be in 'appreciation' mode, love mode, 'not try to change the other' mode. I do take it with a grain of salt, I'm not head over heels, but it is feeling like a deep connection, and my soul needs that. 'Gratitude' seems to be the best approach. Nuff said.
Spent the better part of two hours yesterday modeling for some pictures with photographer, Wayne Edginton, a guy my age, from Yorkshire in northern England, now married to a Thai woman (baby on the way) and living just outside of Chiang Mai. He's a real photographer, and he was fun to work with, great sense of humor, just a good guy (and I love the accent). He came by the Guest House and took some shots by the pool, at the table, in the hallway, me in a bathing suit, as well as dressed in a pair of slacks and a shirt. We've got a little trade going, music lessons for photography work, what a deal, huh? Wayne had a career in Health Care in Great Britain, now has a comfortable pension and is living the good life. Haven't seen the pix yet, but I'll bet there is some good stuff there, though as I said, no matter how good they are, I'm still a 58 year old guy, so I don't think there's any modeling career in my future. But it is nice to document this period of time, That's the goal. We even swung by CU to get a few shots of M and I together. We don't have any. I'll post something when I get something...
So is this blog getting boring? music in the bar blah blah blah... I love Chiang Mai blah blah blah... I dig M blah blah blah. Me, I'm not bored with it, somehow it's not about being impressive or getting a reaction or 'hey look at me'. I mean, those feelings are in there too, but somehow there is something deeper going on. It's as though the desire for a reaction is being subsumed by the more mature desire to just keep at it and keep uncovering. it's not about the incidents themselves, the great nights, the fun jams. That's just a starting point, then you push off, hoist the sail and you're on a journey of looking in and looking out. I just flashed on the Siddhartha story by Hermann Hesse, in which Siddhartha had all these adventures around the world, and then ended up as a ferry boat worker, going back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. The journey is inside ultimately; you can find the wind, the sun, the mountain inside. It's just a breath away... I'm trying to capture that feeling in the bridge to my latest song, Chillin in Chiang Mai.
We're takin' it step by step
Climbing up to Doi Suthep (the famous temple high on the hill, west of Chiang Mai)
How high the path will go
Is something only you can know ....
'Chillin in Chiang Mai... sabai sabai (it's all good)'
Ain't no worries, mai pen rai
If you're willin' to be chillin' in Chiang Mai
Working musician....
Yep that's right, I'm in heavy music mode over here, yesterday I helped a guy buy his first guitar, then taught him his first lesson. He wants to do two a week for a couple of months, yeah man, I'm in. Then I headed over to the CU for a little 'guitar summit' with a couple of regulars who can play a few chords, but don't really get how it all works. And I invited my new student along to observe because it's the same stuff, no matter what level you're at. The same circle of fifths, 11 V 1 progressions etc. One of the guys I taught yesterday is coming over today to take some promo pictures of the lean mean Glauber, might as well document the weight loss and nice haircut, eh? And I'd like him to take some shots of where I stay, my friends etc, so I can share some photos on Facebook... (by the way, I'm still delighted to NOT be taking pictures... horribly retro of me, I know, but hey, I like it this way...) Makes me have to write more descriptively and it's one less thing to keep track of.
Before the New Year fades into memory, just a few words about that night. (too bad I don't have a camera to capture some of what I saw... (he said ironically). The town was mobbed, no rooms available, at least in this part of town, many folks arrived from Bangkok and other parts of the country. Down at Thae Pae Gate (5 minutes walk from my guest house), there was a big stage set up and a 40 foot high sculpture made of large metallic spheres, with CDs used to add texture and sheen. Pretty cool public artwork, and I think they did some kind of ball drop from there. The plaza was packed with food vendors, revelers, street blocked much action afoot. In the sky were hundreds and hundreds of hot air lanterns that people would buy for 65cents, then light the coil which sent hot air upwards and inflated the 4 foot high paper lantern. These were sent aloft over the city and they overall effect was quite magical, a smiling moon, hundreds of flames aloft, balmy weather, much merriment. It was dizzying and transcendant somehow.
Something about looking up and seeing a different sky, it felt like it was tapping into something very ancient and other worldly. (and of course, everyone is taking pictures and posting to their facebook,,, which is still kinda weird as a 'lifestyle'... as if the experience itself isn't enough... I Facebook therefore I am)
At around 11, I headed over to CU because my main man Apple, (Pern) was gonna play his set, and I wanted to back him on bass. Big crowd of course, he showed up from his other earlier gig, was very glad to see me, as at this point, I know his material, and yeah, it's good to have a bass player. Lead guitarist Scott was down at the gate with his bride, so it was more important to give Pern the support, and we were just locked in, totally digging it. A lot of times, due to the space constraints, I end up with my back to the audience, which kinda sucks as I like to see what's going on, and on this night I got a perfect perch. Huge fun. Just before midnight, Pern asked if I knew the new year's song, (I assume he meant 'Auld Lang Syne', and sure, yeah, I could do it, but isn't there a Thai new year song?) I really felt that that moment should be in Thai, and he agreed. It was a great call because as the clock wound down, he launched into the song and every Thai in the place had a huge grin and was clapping and singing along. There were a lot of chords, so I just started clapping too, rather than scuffling along with the music. The energy was really building, I could feel it in my heart, a big smile, and something about the ownership of the locals saying, 'this is our country, this is our music, we will share it with you'... there was joy in the room.. and it was building. I was seeing Pern as some kind of extra special human being, he's tuned in in a way that is quite special. Before the new year song, at around 11:53, he sang this beautiful lullaby almost, caught me by surprise, but it was his instinct to sing this thing at this particular time. And people were touched, and it was so unexpected... you'd think he'd be rocking out just before midnight, but he did the opposite. He's got some extra sensitive instinct about it, and I just follow and learn.
So now it's 12 midnight and the energy is starting to peak, when there is a series of explosions on the street, people setting off their fireworks, and the crowd is drawn into the street to see the lights and hear the explosions. Sad in a way, as what was happening before was so clean and spirited, and now it was as if the plug was pulled and the typical, noisy, 'celebration' began. I realize that I'm extra sensitive in these matters, but hey, it was a shame. The kind of energy that was happening doesn't come around every day, and it was too bad that it got swamped by the more mundane bang bang of normal life. Pern kept singing, didn't seem to mind, kept smiling, he's like the Dalai Lama of bar musicians. We ended up playing late into the night. I think I quit around 3 or so, and he hung in there for another hour with some other players.
I knew that M and I wouldn't be spending this night together, not when the bar is open until 5 am, and last week's Christmas debacle still pretty fresh in my mind. No thanks, I don't need the stress. Then midnight comes, people are shaking hands, hugging, kissing, wishing 'Sawadtii Pi Mai' to each other. And she comes up with a big smile, kisses me on the mouth, and then again, and I'm like, 'do you want to come over tonight?' And she did want to. And it made me happy. And then I go back to my place pretty buzzed at 4 am and then start to worry. What if she gets wasted? And somehow managed to quiet my mind, trust her, not be attached to any outcomes, just let it be. And she came over around 6am in good form, justifying my trust. All part of the dance, I guess... this is new territory for me.
At the bar that night, we played both of my reggae jams, Bhang Lassie, and the new one, 'Chillin' in Chiang Mai' and they were both very well received. What a blast that is to intro this groove into this venue and play it with my friends, make up the words, just jam into the night. Holy crap, is there anything more fun? Uh maybe, (but I don't digress)
And now that M and I have put each other through a lot of turmoil, we're in a groove of sweetness and affection and just plain love. Not that it lasts, not that it's forever, it just is, and it feels like we both recognize the value of whatever it is we've got going. I think it's that situation where there is only so much you can do on your own. In order to really grow, you need another person to put you through your stuff, and if you can come through it with some integrity and compassion, it's a good thing... (no guarantees, of course... it could turn on a dime... so I'll just be grateful, OK?)
Speaking of which, I got a flash of inspiration for the next tune which is called 'Coming Around to Gratitude'. It's a folk song/stream of consciousness flow about some death stories. I was thinking about the 'Garlic Girl' who died twenty years ago or so, and before leaving, she had an event at the Wow Hall in which she gave a speech that was so powerful. 'I love each and every one of you... even the bad ones' she said. 'I love every blade of grass...' And I was thinking about Judith Meltzoff, Nancy's mom who had liver cancer and was short for this plane. They threw a 'Bon Voyage' party at Nancy's, Judith propped on a futon, surrounded by love and singing (led by me) She gave a little talk about how she had rented 'Pride of the Yankees' (the Lou Gehrig story) as a way to help her 10 year old grandson Adam understand her imminent death. And she said, 'I consider myself the luckiest woman in the world' which was Gehrig's quote, different gender. I feel a strong desire to relate some of these stories and then tie them together with a simple singalong 'Coming around to gratitude' that we can harmonize.
The other verse or whatever is that episode in which my Grandfather Jack sat me in his office, I was maybe 17 and he wanted to teach me something. 'What's the most important thing in the world?' he asked, and in my know-it-all teenaged way I said, 'to be satisfied, to be really into what you're doing' and he said, 'no'. 'The most important thing is your integrity, your good name, they can never take it away from you. The way you treat other people'. It was a moment and I recognized quite clearly that my grandfather was saying something really important to me. We had a certain bond, and this kind of memory is such a blessing. To have someone love me that much and want to really give me his wisdom and his vision. I received it and understood it, and have kept that with me all these years. And my integrity, while certainly not perfect, is still pretty strong, and that is a blessing I received with great appreciation. And I'm coming around to gratitude....Coming around to gratitude. (maybe that's the most important thing now...)
Before the New Year fades into memory, just a few words about that night. (too bad I don't have a camera to capture some of what I saw... (he said ironically). The town was mobbed, no rooms available, at least in this part of town, many folks arrived from Bangkok and other parts of the country. Down at Thae Pae Gate (5 minutes walk from my guest house), there was a big stage set up and a 40 foot high sculpture made of large metallic spheres, with CDs used to add texture and sheen. Pretty cool public artwork, and I think they did some kind of ball drop from there. The plaza was packed with food vendors, revelers, street blocked much action afoot. In the sky were hundreds and hundreds of hot air lanterns that people would buy for 65cents, then light the coil which sent hot air upwards and inflated the 4 foot high paper lantern. These were sent aloft over the city and they overall effect was quite magical, a smiling moon, hundreds of flames aloft, balmy weather, much merriment. It was dizzying and transcendant somehow.
Something about looking up and seeing a different sky, it felt like it was tapping into something very ancient and other worldly. (and of course, everyone is taking pictures and posting to their facebook,,, which is still kinda weird as a 'lifestyle'... as if the experience itself isn't enough... I Facebook therefore I am)
At around 11, I headed over to CU because my main man Apple, (Pern) was gonna play his set, and I wanted to back him on bass. Big crowd of course, he showed up from his other earlier gig, was very glad to see me, as at this point, I know his material, and yeah, it's good to have a bass player. Lead guitarist Scott was down at the gate with his bride, so it was more important to give Pern the support, and we were just locked in, totally digging it. A lot of times, due to the space constraints, I end up with my back to the audience, which kinda sucks as I like to see what's going on, and on this night I got a perfect perch. Huge fun. Just before midnight, Pern asked if I knew the new year's song, (I assume he meant 'Auld Lang Syne', and sure, yeah, I could do it, but isn't there a Thai new year song?) I really felt that that moment should be in Thai, and he agreed. It was a great call because as the clock wound down, he launched into the song and every Thai in the place had a huge grin and was clapping and singing along. There were a lot of chords, so I just started clapping too, rather than scuffling along with the music. The energy was really building, I could feel it in my heart, a big smile, and something about the ownership of the locals saying, 'this is our country, this is our music, we will share it with you'... there was joy in the room.. and it was building. I was seeing Pern as some kind of extra special human being, he's tuned in in a way that is quite special. Before the new year song, at around 11:53, he sang this beautiful lullaby almost, caught me by surprise, but it was his instinct to sing this thing at this particular time. And people were touched, and it was so unexpected... you'd think he'd be rocking out just before midnight, but he did the opposite. He's got some extra sensitive instinct about it, and I just follow and learn.
So now it's 12 midnight and the energy is starting to peak, when there is a series of explosions on the street, people setting off their fireworks, and the crowd is drawn into the street to see the lights and hear the explosions. Sad in a way, as what was happening before was so clean and spirited, and now it was as if the plug was pulled and the typical, noisy, 'celebration' began. I realize that I'm extra sensitive in these matters, but hey, it was a shame. The kind of energy that was happening doesn't come around every day, and it was too bad that it got swamped by the more mundane bang bang of normal life. Pern kept singing, didn't seem to mind, kept smiling, he's like the Dalai Lama of bar musicians. We ended up playing late into the night. I think I quit around 3 or so, and he hung in there for another hour with some other players.
I knew that M and I wouldn't be spending this night together, not when the bar is open until 5 am, and last week's Christmas debacle still pretty fresh in my mind. No thanks, I don't need the stress. Then midnight comes, people are shaking hands, hugging, kissing, wishing 'Sawadtii Pi Mai' to each other. And she comes up with a big smile, kisses me on the mouth, and then again, and I'm like, 'do you want to come over tonight?' And she did want to. And it made me happy. And then I go back to my place pretty buzzed at 4 am and then start to worry. What if she gets wasted? And somehow managed to quiet my mind, trust her, not be attached to any outcomes, just let it be. And she came over around 6am in good form, justifying my trust. All part of the dance, I guess... this is new territory for me.
At the bar that night, we played both of my reggae jams, Bhang Lassie, and the new one, 'Chillin' in Chiang Mai' and they were both very well received. What a blast that is to intro this groove into this venue and play it with my friends, make up the words, just jam into the night. Holy crap, is there anything more fun? Uh maybe, (but I don't digress)
And now that M and I have put each other through a lot of turmoil, we're in a groove of sweetness and affection and just plain love. Not that it lasts, not that it's forever, it just is, and it feels like we both recognize the value of whatever it is we've got going. I think it's that situation where there is only so much you can do on your own. In order to really grow, you need another person to put you through your stuff, and if you can come through it with some integrity and compassion, it's a good thing... (no guarantees, of course... it could turn on a dime... so I'll just be grateful, OK?)
Speaking of which, I got a flash of inspiration for the next tune which is called 'Coming Around to Gratitude'. It's a folk song/stream of consciousness flow about some death stories. I was thinking about the 'Garlic Girl' who died twenty years ago or so, and before leaving, she had an event at the Wow Hall in which she gave a speech that was so powerful. 'I love each and every one of you... even the bad ones' she said. 'I love every blade of grass...' And I was thinking about Judith Meltzoff, Nancy's mom who had liver cancer and was short for this plane. They threw a 'Bon Voyage' party at Nancy's, Judith propped on a futon, surrounded by love and singing (led by me) She gave a little talk about how she had rented 'Pride of the Yankees' (the Lou Gehrig story) as a way to help her 10 year old grandson Adam understand her imminent death. And she said, 'I consider myself the luckiest woman in the world' which was Gehrig's quote, different gender. I feel a strong desire to relate some of these stories and then tie them together with a simple singalong 'Coming around to gratitude' that we can harmonize.
The other verse or whatever is that episode in which my Grandfather Jack sat me in his office, I was maybe 17 and he wanted to teach me something. 'What's the most important thing in the world?' he asked, and in my know-it-all teenaged way I said, 'to be satisfied, to be really into what you're doing' and he said, 'no'. 'The most important thing is your integrity, your good name, they can never take it away from you. The way you treat other people'. It was a moment and I recognized quite clearly that my grandfather was saying something really important to me. We had a certain bond, and this kind of memory is such a blessing. To have someone love me that much and want to really give me his wisdom and his vision. I received it and understood it, and have kept that with me all these years. And my integrity, while certainly not perfect, is still pretty strong, and that is a blessing I received with great appreciation. And I'm coming around to gratitude....Coming around to gratitude. (maybe that's the most important thing now...)
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