11:30am on a sunny and gorgeous Friday morning, breeze out of the north, clean air, cool temperature, the kind of day that makes you love the Pacific Northwest in the summer time. I just finished playing some disc golf for 90 minutes or so (basically taking a walk with a bunch of target practice along the way). I do enjoy it, especially in the morning when the course is empty and there's no waiting around. Later on in the day, the slackers wake up from their weed and micro brew hangovers and start making their way to the course. But at 9am, there's basically no one there.
Me, I'm a bit of a slacker too, but an insomniac version, so I'm always up early and wanting to exercise in the early part of the day. Nice how that works out.
I've been in a low level funk recently, self critical, unmotivated and creatively stale. Seems like I've been going through the motions, and that's been accompanied by a feeling that maybe I've lost the mojo. Maybe it's downhill from here. It hasn't become a 'crisis of confidence', but I do wonder if I've missed the boat sometimes.
Something happened after I got back from Thailand which, in retrospect, was a big blow to my psyche, so I might as well try and describe it, and maybe lift it off my neck. Not surprisingly, it has to do with creativity. While I was there, I went through an intensely wonderful period of creative effort. I had time, space, a guitar and not a lot of distractions, and it was thrilling to write a bunch of really well crafted songs, some of my best ever. The high....
And then I get back and start recording some of them, nothing fancy, but I wanted to at least commit them to tape or video or whatever. And then comes the inevitable slide into despair, knowing that I don't have what it takes to translate the creativity into money, mass awareness, fame (don't really want that), success (that word again), all of the 'shoulds' that can deflate the high into a familiar, frustrated and powerless low. It's yet another reprise of the 'he's so talented, why don't more people get to enjoy it' curse.
I wonder why I buy into it so much. Seems like it would be more fun to just enjoy the ride and leave that stencil behind. Perhaps if I were to simply accept the fact that I don't have the kind of makeup to handle all of the 'shoulds'. I suppose I've seen it as some kind of character flaw on my part, and sure, you could make the case, but maybe there's another case to be made? I'm sick of this fucking case, frankly. (I've resisted the urge to use the word 'fucking' at least three times so far in this post, such is the emotional nature of the subject I'm writing about).
And there's another source of unhappiness and worry which has been very present lately, and that is my son's retreating into his cocoon of video games, sleep and ennui, which makes me look like a world beater in comparison. I worry about him and his apparent unpreparedness for entering into the stream of life. He doesn't want to work, doesn't want to wake, doesn't want to this, doesn't want to that, and of course I wonder if it's my fault. It's almost like a cosmic joke, only it ain't particularly funny at this point.
I don't really know how to be a father, don't know how to inspire or mold or teach or go fishing or do carpentry or those fatherly things one is 'supposed' to do. What I did do was pay the child support, go get him unfailingly every summer, bring him down from Alaska, spend the summer with him, a lot of sitting around, true, but oh well, we sat around together. (And I do give myself props for hanging in there, because after the divorce, Jamila was such a vindictive bitch that she made it really hard for me to persevere. But I did). He always knew that I was his dad and that I loved him. We played sports, went on trips, hung out, had some good talks, but I never quite got the hang of board games or science or discovery and if I could do it again (which I don't want to do), I'd find a way to be more creative with it.
So who knows, maybe his personality is just very laid back and wanting to not engage with the world. And I can't really blame him, given my own beliefs about the state of the world and the end of the bubble. Part of me wants to kick his ass into gear to find something he would be passionate about, and another part figures that it's his life and he gets to live it the way he wants, even if I think it's fearful and escapist. I'm escapist too, but I don't think I'm all that fearful.
Really I just want to see him find something to get him out of his little womblike entropy state. I was fantasizing about taking a little trip with him, telling him to bring a jacket and then just dumping him off a couple hours or more from home and letting him figure it out. Go ahead dude, start surviving, have an adventure, use your wits, get off the fucking couch. He seems to have no self-confidence, no desire to actually do anything. And as his dad, I worry about whether he'll be able to take care of himself in this world. So far, not a lot of evidence in that direction.
Even though I'm writing about negative and worrisome stuff, the fact is that I'm ascending somehow. I felt the beginnings of it yesterday as I was driving to a library gig in the town of Sheridan, which is northwest of Salem. It was nice weather, cool and fresh, and when I got into the countryside, it was just gorgeous. Something about the hills and sun and clean air made me remember my song called Oregon Trail, and I started singing it in my mind, trying to remember the lyrics in case I wanted to use it at the show.
We come out from Tennessee, Maryland, Missouri
Streaming like a salmon run
We was heading to Oregon
Hard traveling hard times
But you better not fail
Push on, no turning back
Westward Oregon Trail
Hodown, let's go down
Down to the river running
Wheels turn, people spin
Round 'em up and reel 'em in
Even though it was an outdoor show, not my favorite idea, it was GREAT. I had big energy, everyone had a great time and I felt good about being able to pull it off for all ages, which ain't that easy to do. The kids loved it, the grandmas loved it, the librarian loved it and I loved it. Playing in the park, knowing what to do in the moment, keeping their attention and their energy it was a blessed show, and perhaps a turning point toward the positive. Still feeling good today, have a couple of gigs this afternoon and I'm looking forward to making music and lifting spirits, not the least of which is my own...
