I feel the need to tighten it up, get into a more disciplined approach to my life, in hopes that I will re-find that creativity which is so central to my feeling of well being. But what if that is all a hoax or an old pattern? Maybe I'm just searching for that thing based on a faulty premise, namely that happiness comes from creative output. It sure seems to, I'm sure conditioned to think it's so. When I measure myself against people I know, I tend to come in unhappily behind. They do this, they do that, they are busy, they are productive.
Maybe the simple act of self-comparison is the problem. It's a lose lose situation because not only do I end up feeling inferior, but it also separates me from feeling close to the one I'm comparing to. Wow, that is deep, or at least I think it is.
It brings up the expression 'comparisons are odious' which I thought I had first encountered in Dostoevsky, but I was apparently mistaken. (thank you señor Google). That's a real interesting choice of words, odious. It comes from odium meaning hatred, and yeah, how true that is. When I get into comparing myself to others, it's a recipe for self hatred, primarily. So is it the simple act of comparing that engenders the hate. Maybe so.
And if so, how does one avoid it? I guess for starters, by maintaining some kind of vigilance and awareness of that process, being tuned in to that propensity for self-comparison, and likely finding some kind of antidote when the poison is released. OK antidote, antidote, what can you be?
How bout laughter as in, oops, there I go again.... not bad...
How bout love, as in, I love myself and I love that person, we're all part of the one.
How bout wow, way to go, congratulations, but without the accompanying
self-recrimination.... pretty good too.
How bout any goddam thing that is different from feeling insecure and bad about who I am.... not good.... self-negating premise.... avoid that one.
I like the first three possibilities, any one of them would do nicely and I will experiment with intervening when I tend toward comparisons.
And stepping back for a second, I'm feeling pretty centered inside as I write about this stuff, the act of turning off the radio and spending some minutes inside my thoughts is a very good one. And I'm trying to imagine a world in which I didn't compare myself unfavorably to others, and now I'm reminded of the 'work' by Byron Katie, whose brilliant contribution is to write about a belief problem that you're having, list all the feelings that are associated with it, and then ask the question, who would I be if I didn't carry that belief? I just did a version of that process without thinking about it, and it's potent stuff.... makes me want to get on the bike and go singing. So I will...
Next Day... Yom Kippur
I'm sitting here at 8:12am with a cup of the morning's iced coffee all sweetened and milked and ready for entry.... and there's a part of me that says, 'Wait, don't drink right away, there's something to be gained from waiting'. So I reluctantly return it to the refrigerator for a later visit and come back to the computer. And of course, what I'm thinking of is the taste and smell of that every day ritual. How easy it would be to just say, 'fuck it, I don't believe in this stuff, where's my coffee?' but that's not true either, and what the hell, if I'm wanting to return to a phase of introspection, here is the perfect opportunity. Start with what's at hand and what are the feelings and then go ahead and write them down. (he said while craving a taste of iced coffee).
I'm reminded of a GREAT teaching I heard in Jerusalem some 35 years ago from this passionate Montreal Rabbi who was talking about Yom Kippur. He said something along the lines that 'most people think that by depriving yourself of food and drink, you get all holy and spiritual and closer to God. No, that's not it. It's the fact that your stomach starts growling and you crave the food and so you realize the incredible gift of food and drink that you have every day. Only by denying it for a time, do you appreciate the magnificence. It's in the kishkes. (yes, he used the word kishkes, guts)
It struck me as very true then and very true today, a wonderful teaching.
OK now, 13 minutes since my iced coffee refusal.... am I more spiritual yet?
The sun is out strongly and I'm going to take a walk up to the cemetery to visit some old friends in the Jewish section. It's a perfect walk from my house down here on West Amazon as it goes gradually uphill, through the south part of town and up past Willamette St to a beautiful spread with a great view of the Coburg Hills. Seems like a much better Yom Kippur option than shaking around in a Zumba class, so that's the plan. My friend Rachel will come with and I look forward to the visit and the walk. I think I won't write about her in this format, but there's some definite material that I could process in words... But for now, the processing will be in steps and breaths.
