Still not exactly Mr Contentment, though I'm taking care of myself today, as I came home to rest after doing 4 little shows at the preschool fundraiser. When I wrote the word 'contentment' in sentence one, I got immediately reminded of the 'Have a Happy New Year' song which I wrote a month ago in Vietnam. The line was part of the final verse, and hey, it would be good to actually remember the stuff that I write and try to line it up with my life. What a concept! The verse in question goes like this:
Leave the angry thoughts behind
Let gratitude fill your mind
Contentment, I know you'll find
Have a happy new year
OK let's review, Richard. Let the bad thoughts go into the rear view. Make a conscious effort to live in gratitude. And chances are that contentment will be part of the result. Hmmmmm that seems do-able. At least conceivable, which is a welcome change from 'what the fuck', which is how I was feeling yesterday.
And this raises the question which I've contemplated many times over the years. Is it possible to lift your spirits up through a conscious effort. Of course it seems possible when you're feeling good. How easy it is to imagine a strategy of A B and C which will wonderfully transform the negative into the positive. But then comes the reality of being in that negative space, and there's some kind of magnetism that wants to stay down and suffer. Why is that? Is that clearly described? Let me try again.
When I'm feeling good and on top of things, it's easy to imagine all kinds of ways to lift the energy. Why, I could concentrate on my breathing, or fill my heart with gratitude or get some exercise or do a random act of kindness or any other brilliant idea. But, and this is a big 'but', when I'm bummed out or depressed or feeling sorry for myself, all that 'positive energy' crap is out the window. It's hard to see past the gray, and even though it feels lousy, there's something that must want to feel lousy, or at least it seems that way. It's a mystery, it is.
And this is likely a good time to explore it a bit, as I'm say 42 hours from my last toke, and I can feel, if not the fog being lifted, at least the possibility of the fog being lifted, which is what I was trying to describe. If someone had suggested to me yesterday that I could do such and such to start feeling better, it would have gone in one ear and out the other. But today is day two of clean up mode, so there is at least a glimmer of light that is coming through, and with that, I have a sense of openness that yeah, I can make it better, turn it around. Which is my plan.
The weather is actually pretty nice today and I'm going to leave this post at 5:24 pm to take a brisk walk around the neighborhood. Between dance class this morning, some shows this afternoon and a walk this evening, that's a good treatment for my body. And then Michael Tracey and his band are playing for free on the west side of town, and I think I shall shake my ass. (for purely therapeutic reason, of course)
And there is a little smile which is at the corner of my mind, and I must say, I haven't seen a bunch of humor lately and didn't even realize that it's one of the important things I've been missing. Interesting, that. I had a misunderstanding with a good friend of mine last week, and humor is a big part of our currency, so I haven't had my weekly dose. Oh well, I'll find it somewhere, even if I have to crack myself up. OK time to stride...
Before Dawn
Ah yes, hope is still alive, though I've had to go through some kind of reverse purification process to get there. When I got home from SE Asia, feeling disconnected and sad, it was quite easy to slip into some habits that might appear to soften the blow, but in fact, only delay the inevitable (and make me feel like hell to boot). Specifically, I'm talking about smoking pot, which has always been the definition of a double edged sword for me. I'm drawn to it, I create like crazy when I use it, and it's way to easy to overdo it, which leads to the inevitable crash. I've learned (over and over and over again) that I can't keep it around the house. Some people can, I'm not one of them, because if it's around, I use it way more than is profitable. Just the way it is, I suppose.
And I have some kind of ritual where I have to throw out the last bit of it, empty the pipe into the toilet (yes, Dr Freud, I empty the pipe into the toilet, because if I just threw it in the garbage, I'd simply dig it out of there and hit it again). And it's an interesting phenomenon to actually dispose of it, because there is a little voice that says, 'don't do it, Rich, you'll want it tomorrow'. But the stronger voice wins out when I reach a certain point, as if my soul is saying 'enough, time to get back on track'. That happened the night before last, so yesterday was the transition day in which I felt like shit, had low energy, was emotional and needed to sleep, which I did. There was a party I was invited to last night, and I likely would have gone, but for the fact that I was in bed by 8 o'clock.
And I got a full night's sleep, not all in one piece of course, which would be a miracle, but all told, I must have gotten 8 hours and that's a rarity.
So here I am before 6am, awake and feeling the stirrings of positive energy coming back my way. I don't feel great yet, too early for that, too sniffly and wheezy for that, but a cup of coffee, a Saturday crossword, an 8am dance class, then 4 mini performances to open up the preschool fundraiser, and I'll be pretty happy.
OK here's something that's been bugging me. Today I have an opportunity to show my stuff to a few hundred families over the course of the day, and it has occurred to me that it's time to grab some names for a mailing list so I could contact these folks for any upcoming early childhood stuff that I might want to produce. Most professionals will do this as a matter of course, but I have an aversion to the process. Mostly because I'm so weak with the technology, not sure the best way to organize the names, is it a facebook group or a yahoo group or why don't I have an assistant to do this for me. In other words it goes into the swirl of 'I can't do it' and it rings out as a 'no sale'. So much easier to just let it slide and move on to the next thing. I have a STRONG DESIRE to do just that. I don't really have anything planned for early childhood (though if I had a current list of a thousand names who think I'm awesome, I could create some profitable events right here in town). I hate this little conflict, by the way, it brings up a lot of self-criticism. (as if I needed an excuse for that). Ah I feel the binge talking, and it's not making a whole lot of sense. But what the hell, just write the confusion and think of it as a 'learning experience' a fucking, self-hating learning experience, because I need to punish myself just a little bit more... yeah (he said self-mockingly) What a pretty picture...
Well it's after 6am, time to conclude this masterpiece and get in the shower. This piece of crap writing feels like an AA assignment from some guy trying to climb out of a ditch. (I guess if the shoe fits...). I don't have to publish it, but I still don't give a shit if stuff is embarrassing, as long as it's true. That's been the threshold for this blog, and if someone, including me, doesn't like it, that would be tough shit. I don't want to hurt anybody, but I do like to err on the side of truth. It just feels simpler that way. Gonna keep on walking forward...
And I have some kind of ritual where I have to throw out the last bit of it, empty the pipe into the toilet (yes, Dr Freud, I empty the pipe into the toilet, because if I just threw it in the garbage, I'd simply dig it out of there and hit it again). And it's an interesting phenomenon to actually dispose of it, because there is a little voice that says, 'don't do it, Rich, you'll want it tomorrow'. But the stronger voice wins out when I reach a certain point, as if my soul is saying 'enough, time to get back on track'. That happened the night before last, so yesterday was the transition day in which I felt like shit, had low energy, was emotional and needed to sleep, which I did. There was a party I was invited to last night, and I likely would have gone, but for the fact that I was in bed by 8 o'clock.
And I got a full night's sleep, not all in one piece of course, which would be a miracle, but all told, I must have gotten 8 hours and that's a rarity.
So here I am before 6am, awake and feeling the stirrings of positive energy coming back my way. I don't feel great yet, too early for that, too sniffly and wheezy for that, but a cup of coffee, a Saturday crossword, an 8am dance class, then 4 mini performances to open up the preschool fundraiser, and I'll be pretty happy.
OK here's something that's been bugging me. Today I have an opportunity to show my stuff to a few hundred families over the course of the day, and it has occurred to me that it's time to grab some names for a mailing list so I could contact these folks for any upcoming early childhood stuff that I might want to produce. Most professionals will do this as a matter of course, but I have an aversion to the process. Mostly because I'm so weak with the technology, not sure the best way to organize the names, is it a facebook group or a yahoo group or why don't I have an assistant to do this for me. In other words it goes into the swirl of 'I can't do it' and it rings out as a 'no sale'. So much easier to just let it slide and move on to the next thing. I have a STRONG DESIRE to do just that. I don't really have anything planned for early childhood (though if I had a current list of a thousand names who think I'm awesome, I could create some profitable events right here in town). I hate this little conflict, by the way, it brings up a lot of self-criticism. (as if I needed an excuse for that). Ah I feel the binge talking, and it's not making a whole lot of sense. But what the hell, just write the confusion and think of it as a 'learning experience' a fucking, self-hating learning experience, because I need to punish myself just a little bit more... yeah (he said self-mockingly) What a pretty picture...
Well it's after 6am, time to conclude this masterpiece and get in the shower. This piece of crap writing feels like an AA assignment from some guy trying to climb out of a ditch. (I guess if the shoe fits...). I don't have to publish it, but I still don't give a shit if stuff is embarrassing, as long as it's true. That's been the threshold for this blog, and if someone, including me, doesn't like it, that would be tough shit. I don't want to hurt anybody, but I do like to err on the side of truth. It just feels simpler that way. Gonna keep on walking forward...
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