Kinda bumming out at the moment, feeling empty inside as the reality of being away from M has pretty much taken hold, much as I try to fight it. She's been incommunicado, maybe sick, maybe hooked up, maybe pissed off, and I'm kinda hanging on a string that isn't being pulled, so it's rough today. Likely for the best, but that doesn't make it hurt less. A thought flashed in my head about 'what else would I do?' which was a line I wrote from a different break up song, and which I'll quote now...
Every beautiful girl goes by, I die just a little bit, what else would I do?
It ain't you
How can I get it through my head, you said I was the one and you loved me too
Now we're through?
That's the second verse of the song, the first one goes like this
I never wanted to be the guy who cries when he hears a song on the radio
Baby don't go
Never wanted to be the one, when it's done, poor sucker, he's the last to know
Baby don't go
The circumstances of the separations were totally different, but the empty feeling is kinda similar, as if there is a neural pathway of pain that gets triggered by these events. It's a familiar and unwelcome neediness and emptiness that wants to cry. And along with it is an almost manic desire to alleviate the pain with some 'horizontal therapy', because it just seems like nothing can take that pain away more than you know what.
I was feeling so bad, I asked my family doctor just what I had
I said Doctor, Mr MD, Can you tell me what's ailing me
He said Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
Yes indeed all I really need is Good Lovin'...
I saw the Young Rascals in the 8th grade for God's sake, when they came to play a concert at Highlands Junior High School, where I was a student. I have no idea how that happened, but I was sitting close to the front and they opened the show with Good Lovin' and it ROCKED! That band was awesome. In the middle of the show, they said, 'here's a brand new song and we think it's going to be NUMBER 1!, and then they played 'Groovin'. And you know what, it did get to number one. Like I say, I have no idea how it came to be that a band like that played at Highlands School, but it happened, and I loved it. And how many times have we sung that song over the years? like today...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=70mUIvk8SxE Felix Cavalieri is an awesome musician, and he played keyboard bass aside from singing great and playing great and writing great.
Alright, that's one strategy to get out of the morass. (I suppose 'more ass' would be another strategy, but I'll stick with rock and roll for the present). And just like that the mood changes and the emptiness is gone, at least for the moment, and what the hell, the moment is all I really know.
My body has been getting a lot of workout energy between dance and Zumba and yoga and disc golf and weights and some jogging, so that's a good and healthy approach for mitigating emotional lows, (and for keeping my weight under two hundred pounds, where it happily is). I heard about some 'dance freedom' thing happening for free downtown this evening and maybe I'll check that out too, maybe meet some new people, or at least keep active, better than say, watching a basketball game and eating too much. (yes, I am that shallow).
Part of the hard time is the fact that I've had exactly zero paying gigs this week and I get very nourished by making music and raising spirits. Next week is real busy and real profitable, gracias a dios, so I imagine that I'll be in a brighter space. But I'm not totally dependent on that kind of external validation. (partly, but not totally). Writing is a real good thing, even when there's next to nothing to say, it's real, at least.
