Hit a real crash point yesterday, and if this is what it means to come back home, uh no thanks. Part of it was hearing M on the phone, as she called me at 6:45 am (her time) as she was coming home after going out drinking and eating with some American dude after her shift. I couldn't tell if she was drunk, as our conversation got cut short. My guess was that her card ran out, so one minute she was there, one minute she was gone, but not before I got the basic scenario. She's out and about, doing her thing. I said, "is he there with you?" and she says no, he's back at his room, I'm in my room. But it doesn't take much imagination to conjure up the picture or what is to come in the near future. So I have to let that lovely fantasy go... you know, the one in which I found a great woman with which to build something wonderful.
In her last email, she was asking me for clarity, 'Am I waiting for you'?, and I get the sense that maybe she's got something simmering with the next guy, and is looking for the green light. I gave it to her, and to myself, because from this distance, come on, let's be real, I know that I don't have it in me to wait for her, not with all the uncertainty about who she is, but more with the certainty of who I am, a guy who likes women and doesn't seem to have the monogamy gene anywhere nearby. I told her that she's free, I'm free, and not because I don't love her. It's because I'd rather lose her than be in a position in which I thought I had to lie to cover up who I am.
So there's some 'letting go' that is happening, and it's not too pleasant. When she called me up and described where she'd been, (out drinking til dawn with some guy) my heart started beating really fast, kind of like it's wanting to do now. Feels like a primal jealous reaction that would trump any brilliant justifications about distance and timing and all the other stuff we amuse ourselves with. This is more basic, 'somebody is stealing my canoe... KILL' (It's a sickening feeling, but I'm gonna 'let it come and let it go' which is part of the hook for a song that came to me the other day. That line feels really good to me, along with the line that precedes it, 'Gonna walk down the middle, let it come and let it go'. It's a distillation of the Buddhist energy that I've been working with for the past couple of months. Keep to the middle way, experience the feelings, but don't hang on to them. Ah what a blessing, I got to practice what I preach (he said sarcastically). But it's true, and it is a blessing, even if it's running crimson... (breathe, motherfucker)
Between the M news and some other lousy personal interactions, mostly self-inflicted, I'm finding myself with low self-confidence, as if I've invited in the demons which have given me so much fucking grief over the years. I've been fantasizing about creating a new type of venue in which to pour my energy, but maybe it was a pipe dream (literally), that seems so do-able and promising in the euphoria, but then becomes riddled with doubt and ennui once the high wears off. I'm experiencing that in a big way at the moment, and the fact that I've arranged for a lunch date with a guy I know who is an expert promoter, it's all starting to turn into 'what was I thinking, I'm not ready, what's the use?' energy. And I HATE that fucking energy, yet here it is again.... Hmmmm another 'blessing'? I'm sure that it is.
For one thing, using marijuana to get inspired with new ideas flies in the face of 'walk down the middle, let it come and let it go' which was written under the influence. Hmmm, how's that for a knot? It's a mobius strip of understanding, the exception that proves the exception, or something equally obscure. In other words, I take a toke, I get inspired, I write a song that has major resonance, the song is about choosing the middle way yet it was inspired by the non-middle way. (and now my brain is starting to tie itself into knots. But damn, they're interesting knots. And how's this for 'weird', Every time I try and type the word 'knot', I mis-type it and spell 'know' by accident. It's a great Freudian typo and 'no I'm not' stoned... get it? know I'm knot... (but hell, I might as well be, the way my mind is operating.
Writing is so awesome, and it is clearly a great strategy for processing this life I'm living. It's my meditation, as I've never been one to spend a lot of time in stillness and concentration on the breath. It just doesn't draw me (there's a little play on words that the 'breath doesn't draw me'), or does it? Or do I draw a breath. OK dude, try and slow down, your mind is on overdrive.
And now that I'm maybe a half hour into this post, I can see how the act of writing and thinking bestirs all kinds of physiological and mental changes, like a self-alchemy of sorts. I've got some adrenaline pumping, perhaps a remnant of wanting to kill the canoe thief, but it's got a different color to it at the moment, like my body wants to go and get some exercise. And thought I'm not feeling particularly confident at the moment, especially about this lunch date coming up, the energy has surely shifted and I'm not stuck in the swirl of 'what's the use'. I have some mojo to read what I wrote yesterday, and see if I can conjure up the feeling and the 'want to' to take it to the next step. That's an improvement.
So let's wake up, get in the shower, make some noodle soup (which I've been enjoying) and then go do that gig in Pleasant Hill this morning from 8-10am. After that there is a little time to prepare for the meeting, then hopefully get a rest before driving 90 minutes to Tigard for a library gig this evening. It's a busy day, and I need my strength and focus. Walk down the middle, let it come and let it go....
