I took a little break from myself
Couldn't seem to face it again
Tired of the same old song
It's been playing since I don't know when
They say that dissatisfaction is often the catalyst for change and if that's the case, then there must be some change on the horizon, because I had an acute bout of unhappiness a couple of days ago that left me crying on the couch with a sense of helplessness and dismay. Interestingly, M called me at the moment of my most piercing sadness and it gave me to opportunity to blurt out my 'I don't know what to do' truth to someone who really does care. So I'm there crying and feeling lost and being comforted by a voice on the phone from around the world, and I'm both feeling the pain as well as the absurdity of my situation. And by absurdity, I'm referring to the fact that the odds of our relationship surviving the long separation are so slight, given the distance and my track record, yet I'm clinging to her friendship as some kind of lifeline in my hour of need. I'm kind of amused/chagrined that my best option at the moment is a working class woman from Thailand who is calling me on the phone after her shift at the bar. Wow...
Actually that's not entirely accurate as she's had a couple of days off due to the water festival which is going on all over Thailand, so she called me from her apartment. And then again a few hours later after she went to the temple to see the monks and make an offering. In the meantime, I did some kind of unhappy lesson planning for a kids gig that I had in the book for Friday, and it turned into something special fairly beautiful, in that there was a bit of auto-biographical energy that came through.
Friday was a budgetary day off school for the local kids, a sad residue of the fact that the system is broke and one way to address it is to cancel school days. I'm part of a team that offers 'Yea Days' (Youth Escapades in the Arts) at the local chidren's museum when there is a day off from school. Yea Days are the creation of my writer friend Louisa, whose concept is pretty cool. The kids come in, are told a story by a professional story teller and then break into a round robin format in which they have workshops in art, music, writing and science, all based on the story. At the end of the day we reconvene and share some of the work that we did; kids will show their artwork or read some of their writing to one another. It's a wonderful concept, and I've been the main 'music' guy basically since it's inception a decade or so ago.
The theme for yesterday's event was 'Alice in Wonderland', and even though that wasn't the exact story that was told, it was the same concept of entering an alternative world. I had to come up with something that would fit in with that idea. As is normally the case, my inclination is to try and create something new, a new song which would hook the kids yet give them room to contribute and add. I really did want to use it as an opportunity for group song-writing as that was what I had said I would do in my lesson plan.
So I sat at the piano, deep into my own personal sadness and came up with a simple idea about making a wonderland.
If I could make a wonderland
Oh what a world it would be
Plenty of friends to understand
So many things to see...
I wrote it in C, made it quite a simple and lilting chorus that I figured kids would embrace, then wrote a bridge that would make space for their contributions. It felt right, not to mention pertinent, and I presented it as part of a little story about an unhappy child who feels like he doesn't have any friends. He is home alone and writes this thing, hoping to create a happier universe for himself. The kids had done some amazing artwork earlier in the day, and I asked them to share it as part of my session. They talked about their pieces while I took notes. So there were clouds that looked like cats and flying silver wolves, golden skies, swirling rainbows that came out of their imaginations and became part of the song. It was a beautiful experience and every time we came back to the chorus they got stronger and stronger with it. I'm not exactly sure what a 'Gestalt' is, but it had that sense of well rounded, multi-faceted completeness and it felt just great. Both sessions loved the activity as did I. (There were only two sessions because of a light turnout, so we all taught two classes of 12-13 kids)
That wasn't the only thing I did in my hour, but it was the centerpiece and it worked out beautifully. During the sharing time at the end of the day, some of the kids who knew me from before were all snuggly with me and I totally enjoyed the contact and the kid energy. I've definitely been feeling unloved, and I got a lot of love and vibration from the kids, not to mention the fact that I did a great job on the gig, so it was a very positive way to spend an afternoon. And maybe there's a new song that comes out of it as well. The kids really liked it, as did I.
Then last night, after sending in my taxes and going to a Zumba class, I decided to try something new, meet some new people, so I went over to the University, and checked out the weekly ballroom dance event that I've been aware of for decades. I saw that there was a lesson from 7:30 - 8:30 followed by dancing, so I got myself there and took the intermediate Viennese Waltz lesson as they were short a few leads. I could do it fairly well, and it was fun. Of course I was scouting the terrain for any lovely single women, and no one stood out, but it seems like a good scene, and I was glad to have gotten out of my lonely room (as it were) and tried something different. I enjoyed the lesson and danced a few dances afterward before calling it a night at 10pm. I'll go back there again, it's good to meet some different people and situations. And I'm ready to learn some new dance stuff.
Now it's Saturday morning 7am, time to try and knock out the Saturday puzzle before my jazz dance workout. Then I'll come back here and start getting the house together as Mark will be here in a couple of days and I need to tighten things up before his return....
I'm feeling like I made it through a rough stretch and there is light ahead...
