You mean, I can't just continue to hang out in Chiang Mai, eating Thai food, writing songs, swimming at the pool at the Guest House, enjoying the pleasures of the senses? I made my first foray into planning for my return to the states, and it stressed me out way more than anything I've experienced since I've been on the road. Guess I'm getting soft.... or at least my brain must have been a bit soft, because when I checked the itinerary, it wasn't what I was expecting. I had set up a ride home from the Portland Airport on Sunday afternoon, but fuckin' A, I'm landing on Monday instead, right in time for the rush hous, which is a large drag. Don't know if Jenni is available to drive the following day, and I need to get back to Eugene ASAP as I'm presenting at a huge conference at 8am the following day. (Good planning there, Rich!)
And there was more. When I saw that I was arriving in Hong Kong at 10:45 pm, and then flying to LA from there at 1:20pm.... Wait a minute, it should be 1am, right? (he asked with a rising sense of 'oh shit, what did I do?'.... Yep, I missed it when I chose the itinerary from Priceline. I thought I had a great connection back home, nice 2 and a half hour layover in China, then back on the plane. But no, I've given myself an all-nighter at the Kowloon airport, 15 hours before I fly to LA. That should help the jet lag really take hold. Then a 4 hour layover in LA and finally a flight to Portland, and hopefully a ride through the rush hour back to Eugene.... where I present a couple of huge workshops that can make or mar my economy for the next year.... Yep, just a bit stressed out.
It was a little bolt of nerves, nothing unusual, but for the fact that I've been about as chill as ever since I've been in Asia, so it was like a bucket of ice water waking me up out of a deep sleep. Got a little adrenaline going there for a few minutes. Now, I'm settling into a place of, 'hey, whatever happens', which is more in keeping with the traveler mentality.
I'm sure that part of the stress level is about saying goodbye to M in fairly short order. When you spend all your nights with someone, when there's a great 'connection', all kinds of emotions and thoughts enter the picture which aren't normally part of the landscape. What is my responsibility here? That's high up the list, and as I write it, it feels very charged with import, as if that 'responsibility' piece colors a lot of my interactions with women.... often in a deleterious way. I've had this theme over the years where I feel like I'm 'supposed to' be a certain way vis a vis relationship. I'm supposed to have sex so many times per week. Supposed to not be interested in other women, supposed to be all kinds of shit that I instinctively rebel against. I often will assume that my partner has these expectations of me, even if she doesn't... it's a script that I play out on my own sometimes, with predictably lousy results. (Make a note, Rich, theres' likely a 'Supposed to...' song that could be worked on... (either that or a few therapy sessions, but I digress)
Back to M, I have a lot of love and compassion for her (along with the lust, people). She's had a really tough road in life, and it's amazing that she's as resilient and positive as she is. She is among the most honest people I've ever met. I feel for her getting involved with me, having it be really beautiful and meaningful, and then I'm off on a plane to Oregon, and then what? It's hard to give your heart like that. She is tired of having different relationships and would love to have someone to take care of her. And in saying that, she wants to take care of her partner in the same way, a real relationship. She is on her own, hand to mouth, and questions sometimes, 'what's wrong with me'. And she's so strong in her work ethic. The comment I've heard more from her lips than any other is 'I have to work'. She is amazing at what she does, you couldn't have a better employee if you owned a business. Worker bee.
Sure I'd love the fantasy of me being the guy who finds true love, good partnership, John and Yoko energy, being fulfilled with a partner and a life. But along with the fantasy is that voice that goes, 'Come on, Rich, be real. You know who you are, which is a ladies man. It's even a longshot that you came back here at all, as you've been checking out the women wherever you go. True love shmue love, you're having great sex and you're seeing the world through rose colored glasses. Don't be a fool, don't commit to something that you won't deliver....
And the two voices have been doing that dance for a long time now. They know eachother's moves, for the most part. And as far as 'responsibility' goes, I guess the answer is to be responsible enough to be as truthful as possible to the process and the communication. It's the only way to learn what this story is here to teach. Because if feels big. Feels like the next stage of my life is going to unfold in this part of the world. I'm not ready to move here now: I'm not quite done with my life in Oregon just yet, but it feels awfully close.
