Living in the bubble, but for how long? This has been my calculus for as long as I can remember, and for good or for ill, it has shaped the way I approached my life. Here's what I mean by the bubble... and maybe to get at it, I'll approach it from the opposite end. See those folks in northern Japan... no bubble. See those folks in Tuscaloosa whose place got demolished by the most intense tornadoes anyone has ever seen.... no bubble. See those folks in Iraq, Afghanistan, Chechniya, Somalia, Yemen, Mexico, Myanmar, Cambodia or those homeless folks on so many street corners etc.... no bubble.
The bubble means you can turn the tap and get clean water. You can go to the store and there are mountains of food for those with the money to buy. You can hop in the car, fill 'er up and be on your way. No armed thugs are trying to bust through the window, no machete waving warriors are on a killing spree in the neighborhood. It looks like it will last forever.... or does it? I've never assumed that I get to live out my days inside the bubble; it always felt more tenuous than that. I've always felt that these are the good old days.
And I've somehow managed to use the fragility of the bubble as an excuse to not immerse myself fully in the process of life. Why bother to dig in and prepare for the future when no future is assured, or even likely? Why plant seeds when the likelihood is that I won't be around to harvest the fruit? It's a self-perpetuating lack of self perpetuation, and I do believe that it has run out of its ability to be useful, because it makes my a cynical person who is somehow rooting for destruction and mayhem to justify my choices (or lack thereof). And who in their right mind would root for that? (one wonders)
It feels too late to change course at this point (what with the world ending and all), (he said self-mockingly), as I've got too many decades into this approach to reinvent myself totally. And there is some sense I have that I DO want some kind of justification for how I've conducted myself all these years. So rather than think about reinventing myself totally, I wonder if there is some kind of refinement that I might undertake, in the hopes of finding more joy and less self-loathing, because one of the perils of not buying in to the societal hand book is feeling like that ship has sailed and I didn't get on board. Even though I supposedly rejected the play book, I bought in on some level, bought in enough to hate myself for not living up to the thing I didn't buy into. Lots of negatives there, and yeah, I've experienced a lot of self-punishing for my choices.
So I'd like to find a way to reorient myself, or rather reprogram myself in the direction of acceptance. I was thinking about this yesterday as I was driving over the pass toward Bend, where I have some gigs later today. (It's 3:40 in the morning, and I woke up, so let's write a bit before going back to sleep). I have tended to devalue myself lately, even my successes, let alone my failures, and I wonder if it's just something that I do instinctively. If I were to be totally self-critical, (which isn't that hard for me)... hey I'm 'successful' at self criticism (he said pathetically), I tend to view my triumphs as somehow undeserved. 'Well, he's skating by on his charm and talent.' Within that statement is, of course, the unstated implication that 'but he could do so much more' or 'talent without discipline is such a waste' or 'he has really squandered the gift'
That mindset certainly sucks the life out of the room, and I've been guilty of it way too much over the years. So here I am at 57, pushing 58 years old, in pretty good health, )one hopes), still a lot of vibrancy in my body, still dancing and able to move, still able to light up a room when I make music, but with a heavy heart and a burden to bear. I wonder if I could transcend my 'judgment' cloud and find a way into a more sunlit, peaceful place. And it brings up what to me is one of the basic questions of human existence. Can we actually change ourselves inside the journey? Can I understand myself enough to know how to fix what needs fixing and then take the steps in that direction? And the direction I'd like to take it is toward gratitude and joy, away from judgment and loathing.
Away from judgment and loathing, toward gratitude and joy.
I think I need some help on the journey, it's a rough one to make on my own, especially if I'm weighing myself down. So the first ally that I'd like to enlist is myself. It's time to line up and head in the same direction that is indicated by the map. Away from judgment and loathing, toward gratitude and joy.
And I ask God to help me find the clarity and serenity to keep on the path... away from judgment and loathing, toward gratitude and joy.
And I will ask my friends, the ones I have and the ones I will have, to join me on that journey ... into gratitude and joy.
You'd think that I'd ask my family at some point for help too, but that thought doesn't flow naturally yet, seems loaded and fraught, too much unresolved stuff and maybe that's a different post, somewhere down the road. Let's table that one for now, or maybe let's not. Why be afraid of what's in there? I guess that rather than ask for help from my family, I'd prefer to offer help and service... away from judgment and loathing, into gratitude and joy.
I just skimmed what I had written so far and my first reaction was to find it self-indulgent and shallow, which is an object lesson in itself, as well as an indicator that it won't be so easy to turn off the judgment and aim for the gratitude. In other words I got judgmental about trying to turn off the judgment. Oy! (he said Jewishly) But there is something reassuring in that irony, because even through all of the self-criticism, there is some kind of awareness that is greater than all of the mind games. I see it, I get it, I'm amused by it and I hope to use it. And I hope to use it on the journey from judgment to gratitude. Or to put it in New York terms.... 'Hey judgment, Go Fuck Yourself!
And with that statement, I experienced my first real 'ding' of excitement or clarity. (at 4:30am). I don't quite 'get it' yet, but there is something that is very right about telling judgment to go fuck himself. It's likely a good use for that critical attribute that I certainly possess and have tended to aim at myself, with mostly unhappy results. How bout I send that beam of criticism toward itself... could that make it disappear? (or at least leave me the fuck alone?) (he said, New Yorkily). I do believe that there is something of value in that equation, indeed I do.
Yep, there's clean water in the tap, there's gas in the car and food in the refrigerator. And I'm grateful for those things. But there's a bigger gratitude that I'm after, and it's gratitude for this life and this bubble that allows me to ponder and practice and make a joyful noise. (which I will do in about 5 hours time). Better get some more sleep now.... Over and out...
