Well I guess I've got my lifetime Valentine's Day moment which I can refer to every year, and it occurred last year, right here in Chiang Mai. I was feeling super close to M, and I got the urge to try and capture it in music, which I believe that I did. The original impulse for the song came when she met an acquaintance who asked, 'did you get a flower for Valentine's Day?' (in Thai). M replied, I don't want a flower. After we parted, she went off to get ready for work, I went back to my guitar and I started working on a song. I had the main theme within a couple of hours, then spent a couple of days coming up with a bridge that was different (and pretty darn good IMHO). I recorded a simple version of it back in Oregon in May, and that's the one that's up on Youtube.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N1hRQlCeGr8
This song trips me out in some ways, largely because I think it's quite good, very commercially viable, so it tends to bring up the 'I don't know how to market myself' despair that I have felt over the years. Note, it's not commercially viable with me as the singer, but the song itself has a kind of 'Christmas album', 'Disney movie' vibe that would probably be worth a chunk of cash.... if only one knew how to proceed.... So it's a double edged sword for me, I love the song and it bums me out. (sometimes)
And I'm in a love place once again this year, though it feels like there has been a qualitative shift in our relationship since I decided to pony up and give M the kind of support that will enable her to walk away from a job that has had her trapped for the past 15 months. Primarily it's a health issue, she is exhausted, overworked, and as long as she is working 6 late nights a week in a popular bar, there would be no way for her to break out of the smoking and drinking phase that she's in. And she does want to change that, and there is some excitement on her part when she considers some of the possibilities. It's wonderful to see, and I can imagine the possibility of the 'bad girl, I can take care of myself' woman giving way to something more healthy. She wants it, and now that she sees a way out, it seems that she is more positive and excited (and grateful).
And this is certainly no panacea, no guarantee of future anything, merely an opportunity for her to rewrite the script for the next chapter. She gave notice yesterday, said she'd stay until the end of March if need be (6 weeks) and she really wants to end the employment in a good and positive way. The high season will be over by then and it's very generous of her to give them that much time. She said that Dow (her boss) was understanding and not upset, 'you can't work here forever, it's your life', and that Jeff was more non-commital in his response, (but he's tight lipped anyway, eh). And ultimately it doesn't matter what they think about it, because it is her life, and her health and well being take precedence over just about any other consideration.
I'm on my way over there now, getting ready for another gig, after missing last Friday's due to the trip to Pai. My gigs are winding down now, as my visa is up in a mere two weeks. I could make a visa run to the border and spend my last week here with her, seems kinda likely as the time is so precious, but either way, I'm gonna be on a plane out of Bangkok at 1am on March 7, and that is coming up real soon. Am I happy about it? Not in the slightest, but I don't think there's any way around it. Even though I don't have anything on the calendar until late March, I'm afraid I can't change the ticket, since it's a combination Korean Airlines/Alaska Airlines fare. I tried to change it on the way over here when Bangkok was flooded and things felt a little sketchy, but was told that I couldn't, for that very reason. So I'll just resign myself to the reality that this thing is on the last lap. (sigh)
But 'gratitude', right? Yes indeed. In spite of the ups and downs, the turmoil and angst, it's been an incredible blessing to be here, to be connected, to experience love and music and friends and this part of the world. Will I be back? Yes I will. (enshalla)
