Hmmm I wonder what's in the news.... Anything happening over at ESPN.com? There must be some emails that I need to respond to? Gee, I really want to finish that chapter in the book that I'm in the middle of. Where's my guitar, maybe I could start a new song?
Uh, sorry dude, no dice, you know the rules. If it's in your mind and heart, you've got to go ahead and go there. What do they say in AA, you're only as sick as your secrets. And in trying to describe the process of avoidance, it helps to disempower the scary reality of facing one of the true and deep channels of my psyche. Not quite ready to get there yet, but close.
I'm flashing on that old song, 'Another Saturday Night and I Ain't Got Nobody' (I got some money cause I just got paid). The first verse goes like this. 'I got in town a month ago, and I have seen a lot of girls since then. If I could meet 'em I could get 'em, as yet I haven't met 'em. That's why I'm in the shape I'm in.... and it's just another Saturday night....'
In my case, I'd have to add another piece to the verse. 'If I could meet 'em, I could get 'em, and when I get 'em, I'd like to forget 'em (he chuckled sardonically). Ah yes, the awful truth is that damn, if I had to choose between being alone and 'free' or being connected and 'restricted', I'd go with the former. At least that's my feeling when my mind starts tripping down the well worn path. And I don't even need a flashlight, my brain knows the way. It could be pitch black, but there's no mistaking the trail. I've been down it forever.
I'm not feeling hopeless or in despair, merely registering the fact that once M and I started building trust and getting closer, once we agreed that she and I would try out being together, taking care of one another... (not forever, but for now), once she is willing to say, 'OK I'm not going to look for another person to take care of me', once 'I win' and vanquish all competitors, then there is some reflex that kicks in and says 'DANGER, RICH GLAUBER', now you've gone and done it! Now you've made somebody love you, now you have a responsibility that you can't fulfill, now you aren't free, now you can't fuck anybody you want to (which is my basic definition of 'free', sad but true). So yeah, my mind just had the first taste of 'uh oh', and I'm hoping that I can process and dissemble some of the long long long held patterns which have formed the core of my 'relationship history'. The final frontier....
So for the purposes of trying to clarify some of the chaos, and yeah, it feels like chaos in that channel, I will experiment and try to categorize the stuff that comes up when that button gets pushed.
She's not the one. (as if there was a 'one'. Maybe there is, or maybe the idea of 'the one' is a convenient rationale for not moving forward. *Make a note of that particular conundrum for possible future exploration (it's a good topic). But in the meantime, under the heading of 'she's not the one' I can list all of the things that don't work. she smokes and drinks, she might not communicate on the same 'meta' level as I do. I could list many things about her that don't work for me, but that's probably more about me than about her. My judgmental self kicks in, and it's about all that she does wrong. When I'm in this state, could anybody measure up? Nope not really, the judge will 'win' every time. (and that's a pretty good definition of 'losing'. hmmmm. And the obvious conclusion is that it's my problem, it's my judge that rigs the game, decides the outcome. That's a tough thing to overcome, in that it seems like I have to suspend my belief in what I see as 'her problems' in order to focus on my own. (so much easier to just blame her and be done with it). but I have an instinct that says I need to do this work ultimately. Even if it hurts me, even if I'm wrong, there is value in trying to rein in the judge and 'see' what happens. (I 'know' what happens if I don't)
What?! I can't chase those lovely women I see everywhere? The ones who dig me at tango? The ones who rub my feet at the massage place? This is Thailand, you get a free pass to indulge your inner Casanova... ok your inner Caligula. It's a perfect opportunity to live that fantasy... pay your money and ride the ferris wheel, or maybe don't even pay your money, you might find a free pass. Is it shallow? Of course, Viva la Shallow! Why the hell would I come over here and NOT play that game? Everybody does it (not really, but many many do), why don't I get to play? Hmmm, I don't have a good answer for that one. There is some part of my psyche that wants to definitely get that out of my system, relationship be damned. Besides, 'she's not the one' (he added hopefully). Note to self, if I can't come up with a good reason to 'not' mess around like that, that might be my answer. I don't think you can have it both ways, but I'm not entirely sure about that either. It's different here, and I think a good conversation with M is in order. I know that I couldn't handle it if she was the one playing around, but there might be some scenario where 'men and women are different' and well, who knows? It's certainly worth a conversation to find out her stance on that.
I'm sure I'll get back on this topic over the coming days, but for now, I feel pretty peaceful. There's a lot to be said for just having a look inside and trying to describe it, I guess it's the difference between manning the tiller as opposed to being chained up below decks. M is asleep in my room, time to go back, have a swim, then grab some food before she goes off to work. I got a little distracted just now because Wayne put up a bunch of the photos on Facebook and wow, that's pretty exposed... but no more exposed than the blog, eh? Seems to be a trend. Feeling good, no fear.
