As in, light at the end of the tunnel, not that it's been dark, mind you, but I caught a glimpse of a future direction which my Eugene life will take shortly after my return. A couple of posts ago, I mentioned something about feeling the strong desire/need to conquer whatever technological fear I have and stop limiting myself vis a vis recording and getting my music out there. And that same night I had a great conversation with a friend Al, British guy, nice musician, and we talked about the same topic.
He's been recording for many years and is quite fluent with many aspects of the process and he says basically 'get a Mac laptop, get into Garage Band, pick up a two input interface and off you go, it's incredible what is available, and it doesn't cost that much. Get some help from someone familiar with Garage Band to get you started, and then there you are'. And something about it clicked for me, the timing, the fact that I'm ready to go ahead and get a laptop, move over to Mac and give myself the chance to really work on my music, take some of the vast amount of songs I've written over the years and turn them into something besides a guy strumming a guitar in the living room.
And then when it's time to submit something or get something heard, I'll have demos that reflect what it is I've learned over all these years. And yeah, I know that there are millions of people who think their music is awesome and they spend their time on the computer trying to make it sound great. God love em. Now it's my turn too. And I'm quite excited to arrange things, figure out the horn lines, the string lines, the bass lines, the melodies and just be artistic in a new way. (and I'll resist the urge to think 'what the hell was I waiting for?') It's the perfect time, work is pretty slow in March so let's get started with the next chapter.... rather than say get depressed about being out of Thailand... It's a comfort to realize that there is something big to look forward to. And I do...
Had a nice reconnect with M after some friction last night, things are good, she's exhausted, not feeling great, and today over coffee, she was saying 'one more month and then I can rest'. I'm so happy that she'll get a chance to move on from this chapter. It couldn't be more right...
Or as she would say.... 'light'
Visa Run...
Spent the day yesterday cooped up in a mini-van for the 4 hour each way trip up to the Burmese border town of Mae Sai for a visa run. It was a bit of a math question actually.... I could have stayed put here, spent 1900 baht for a seven day extension, which unfortunately would have left me one day short of my departure... and they hit you with a penalty of 500 baht/day if you overstay, so for 2400 baht I could have avoided the trip. Or I could pay 550 for the mini-van ride, another 300 for the 15 day permission for a total of 850 (and a day cooped up in a van). So it boils down to the question of....
'is it worth 1550 to not be stuck in a van for most of the day?' That's about $50, and at this point, yeah it's worth it, hence the trip....
I had slept maybe three hours the night before after yet another great night at the CU Corner surrounded by friends and music and good vibes. I was on the periphery, singing some harmony, playing some rhythm, and that's cool, I don't need to be the focal point, just part of the mix.
Not a bad ride to the border, good roads, and it was quite simple on the Burmese end, pay your money, get the stamp, back across the border, grab a coffee and wait for the mini van for the return trip. The only hard part was being cooped up and making physical contact with the person next to me, hairy arms touching my skin, kinda creeps me out actually, dude you're on my side of the seat. It's not you, it's me.... grimace. I fuckin' hate that, it's true.
Played a nice gig last night, we were tight and focused, even thought the crowd was less than enthusiastic, which is often the case for the early set.... people are talking, socializing rather than tuning in, so that's just the luck of the draw. Sometimes the crowd is way into it, sometimes into other things, just depends. But the musicians did a great job, harmonies were tight, sound was nice, so what the hell, that's all you can do.
I'm a little frustrated with M and she with me, and not surprisingly, it's for the same reason. We're both very independent at heart, and we each chafe at some supposed control that the other is trying to exert. If I want her to limit her drinking or whatever, she thinks 'he trying to control me'. And then she's a total control freak, as far as I'm concerned, wanting to help me cross the street, 'watch out for that', almost like she's taking care of a child. I don't like it. Yesterday there was a little incident in which I showed up and saw her upon my return to town. I was tired and in need of sleep. she was sitting with a girlfriend who said 'Sawadhii Caa' (hello) to me as I approached. I made eye contact with her nodded my head and smiled, perfectly appropriate. M didn't see me nod or make contact, as it happened behind her head, and her first reaction is to criticize me, say, 'she said hello to you, you have to answer her' and it pissed me off....(this was our first interaction after the trip to Burma) Stop telling me what to do, chill out, let me live my life, don't be telling me what to do. Really hits a nerve, just like my ways hit a nerve with her. Or as we say to one another 'Same Same'
Yep, we're at the border of something...
'is it worth 1550 to not be stuck in a van for most of the day?' That's about $50, and at this point, yeah it's worth it, hence the trip....
I had slept maybe three hours the night before after yet another great night at the CU Corner surrounded by friends and music and good vibes. I was on the periphery, singing some harmony, playing some rhythm, and that's cool, I don't need to be the focal point, just part of the mix.
Not a bad ride to the border, good roads, and it was quite simple on the Burmese end, pay your money, get the stamp, back across the border, grab a coffee and wait for the mini van for the return trip. The only hard part was being cooped up and making physical contact with the person next to me, hairy arms touching my skin, kinda creeps me out actually, dude you're on my side of the seat. It's not you, it's me.... grimace. I fuckin' hate that, it's true.
Played a nice gig last night, we were tight and focused, even thought the crowd was less than enthusiastic, which is often the case for the early set.... people are talking, socializing rather than tuning in, so that's just the luck of the draw. Sometimes the crowd is way into it, sometimes into other things, just depends. But the musicians did a great job, harmonies were tight, sound was nice, so what the hell, that's all you can do.
I'm a little frustrated with M and she with me, and not surprisingly, it's for the same reason. We're both very independent at heart, and we each chafe at some supposed control that the other is trying to exert. If I want her to limit her drinking or whatever, she thinks 'he trying to control me'. And then she's a total control freak, as far as I'm concerned, wanting to help me cross the street, 'watch out for that', almost like she's taking care of a child. I don't like it. Yesterday there was a little incident in which I showed up and saw her upon my return to town. I was tired and in need of sleep. she was sitting with a girlfriend who said 'Sawadhii Caa' (hello) to me as I approached. I made eye contact with her nodded my head and smiled, perfectly appropriate. M didn't see me nod or make contact, as it happened behind her head, and her first reaction is to criticize me, say, 'she said hello to you, you have to answer her' and it pissed me off....(this was our first interaction after the trip to Burma) Stop telling me what to do, chill out, let me live my life, don't be telling me what to do. Really hits a nerve, just like my ways hit a nerve with her. Or as we say to one another 'Same Same'
Yep, we're at the border of something...
I maybe have to just lie down in the road...
This statement came out of M's mouth in the early morning hours as we were holding each other, kinda scared (me) about the upcoming separation and about life in general. When it comes to 'the future', both of us are pretty vulnerable, in her case, 'I have no husband, no child, no one to take care of me', and in my case, well different circumstances, but a similar vulnerability. When she talked about getting old, she came out with that statement, that if she can't work 'I maybe have to just lie down in the road', and it hit my heart really strongly. Still does, I'm cringing and fighting off tears just imagining the sound of it again.
I reached out last night in the middle of the night, feeling fear and trepidation about the return to the US and the separation from M. Even though our situation is far from perfect, and we as individuals are far from perfect, (duh!), I'm feeling a lot of deep contentment in the connection, in the love, in the responsibility. And when I think about being far away from her, it's kinda sickening and deeply disturbing. This coupled with the general negativity that I tend to fight off at times in the states around who I am, do I measure up? etc.
I guess I'm in the pre-grieving stage, or maybe just plain old fear, an emotion that I'm not all that familiar with as I think I experience fear less than most, but it's on me now. My heart and chest cavity are pretty tightened up and my face is in some kind of involuntary grimace, strange. If I had to put a sound to it, I'm thinking Miles Davis blowing sad and forlorn.
A lot of people, when they leave here, go back to their job or whatever, and I don't have that 'luxury' (he said with some sarcasm), because in truth, I don't know what I'll find back in Oregon. There are a number of gigs to look forward to, enough to survive on for the summer, but nothing more than that, so it will be very important to create some new work, and keep inspired and creative. Feels like it's time to bite the bullet and get a laptop and start making some progress into the twenty first century, especially in terms of being able to record new music. I've truly been hampered by my inability in that area, and it would be a shame to not take advantage of the musical gift that I have and turn it into inspiration, joy etc. There are few things I love more than crafting music, and it's time to step up and not be as self-limiting as I've been.
OK the cringe is gone from my face (pretty much, anyhow) and the emotional crisis is temporarily at rest... though not far away, clearly. It's one of those times when I need to call upon some of the things I've learned over a lifetime, the first of which is that this life is a miracle and it is to be treasured. It's easy to lose sight of the miracle when I'm bummed or injured or otherwise stressed (like now) but I've known for a long time that having the miracle as part of the equation is crucial. I know that it's ridiculous the write the word 'miracle' on a screen and have it convey anything remotely close to what I'm trying to convey, so I don't expect it to make any sense to anyone outside of myself. I guess it's like a 'post it' note for my soul to remember the true nature of what is important. So I'll be trying to do that in the trying times.
And as far as M and I being together down the road.... even though the odds would have to be against it, I have a hunch that we might just pull it off. Even though to the outside eye, we're just another Farang-Thai couple like you see everywhere, (usually with a price tag attached), from the inside, it's real. From the heart, it's real. This is one of her 'go to' ideas, that it's the heart that matters, not the surface impressions. And my heart is in, and hers is in, so we shall see how the story unfolds over the months.
Tomorrow I have to get up early for an all-day visa run to the Burma border, 4 hours each way in a mini-van, plus an hour or so in Burma (Myanmar) getting the paperwork done. People hate the trip, but since I haven't done it yet, what the hell, now I'll have a chance to hate it too. Then I have my second to last gig at the CU Corner when I get back. Should be a long long day, but life is a miracle, right? (he said self-deprecatingly). Keep on marching forward....
I saw Sasha Baron Cohen's red carpet shenanigans at the Oscars, and it was one of the greatest stunts I've seen. The guy is some kind of a genius. He showed up dressed as an Arab dictator, in full military garb and flanked by a couple of tall, gorgeous henchwomen.... He was carrying a vase that allegedly contained the ashes of Kim Jong Il, and he ended up dumping the ashes all over Ryan Seacrest's suit during the interview. Brilliant! It reminded me of the moment in the Borat movie when he took a dump in the foliage at Trump Tower in Manhattan, pretending he didn't know any better. Cohen is my comedic hero. He's on a par with the all time greats, including Chaplin.
I'm OK, the sadness has shifted, like it does. Life is still incredibly rich, even if there are problems.... and so it goes...
I reached out last night in the middle of the night, feeling fear and trepidation about the return to the US and the separation from M. Even though our situation is far from perfect, and we as individuals are far from perfect, (duh!), I'm feeling a lot of deep contentment in the connection, in the love, in the responsibility. And when I think about being far away from her, it's kinda sickening and deeply disturbing. This coupled with the general negativity that I tend to fight off at times in the states around who I am, do I measure up? etc.
I guess I'm in the pre-grieving stage, or maybe just plain old fear, an emotion that I'm not all that familiar with as I think I experience fear less than most, but it's on me now. My heart and chest cavity are pretty tightened up and my face is in some kind of involuntary grimace, strange. If I had to put a sound to it, I'm thinking Miles Davis blowing sad and forlorn.
A lot of people, when they leave here, go back to their job or whatever, and I don't have that 'luxury' (he said with some sarcasm), because in truth, I don't know what I'll find back in Oregon. There are a number of gigs to look forward to, enough to survive on for the summer, but nothing more than that, so it will be very important to create some new work, and keep inspired and creative. Feels like it's time to bite the bullet and get a laptop and start making some progress into the twenty first century, especially in terms of being able to record new music. I've truly been hampered by my inability in that area, and it would be a shame to not take advantage of the musical gift that I have and turn it into inspiration, joy etc. There are few things I love more than crafting music, and it's time to step up and not be as self-limiting as I've been.
OK the cringe is gone from my face (pretty much, anyhow) and the emotional crisis is temporarily at rest... though not far away, clearly. It's one of those times when I need to call upon some of the things I've learned over a lifetime, the first of which is that this life is a miracle and it is to be treasured. It's easy to lose sight of the miracle when I'm bummed or injured or otherwise stressed (like now) but I've known for a long time that having the miracle as part of the equation is crucial. I know that it's ridiculous the write the word 'miracle' on a screen and have it convey anything remotely close to what I'm trying to convey, so I don't expect it to make any sense to anyone outside of myself. I guess it's like a 'post it' note for my soul to remember the true nature of what is important. So I'll be trying to do that in the trying times.
And as far as M and I being together down the road.... even though the odds would have to be against it, I have a hunch that we might just pull it off. Even though to the outside eye, we're just another Farang-Thai couple like you see everywhere, (usually with a price tag attached), from the inside, it's real. From the heart, it's real. This is one of her 'go to' ideas, that it's the heart that matters, not the surface impressions. And my heart is in, and hers is in, so we shall see how the story unfolds over the months.
Tomorrow I have to get up early for an all-day visa run to the Burma border, 4 hours each way in a mini-van, plus an hour or so in Burma (Myanmar) getting the paperwork done. People hate the trip, but since I haven't done it yet, what the hell, now I'll have a chance to hate it too. Then I have my second to last gig at the CU Corner when I get back. Should be a long long day, but life is a miracle, right? (he said self-deprecatingly). Keep on marching forward....
I saw Sasha Baron Cohen's red carpet shenanigans at the Oscars, and it was one of the greatest stunts I've seen. The guy is some kind of a genius. He showed up dressed as an Arab dictator, in full military garb and flanked by a couple of tall, gorgeous henchwomen.... He was carrying a vase that allegedly contained the ashes of Kim Jong Il, and he ended up dumping the ashes all over Ryan Seacrest's suit during the interview. Brilliant! It reminded me of the moment in the Borat movie when he took a dump in the foliage at Trump Tower in Manhattan, pretending he didn't know any better. Cohen is my comedic hero. He's on a par with the all time greats, including Chaplin.
I'm OK, the sadness has shifted, like it does. Life is still incredibly rich, even if there are problems.... and so it goes...
Improvisation...
That word has been coming up for me lately, starting with the fact that I've been driving a scooter around Chiang Mai and environs the past few days, lots of traffic, hazards abound, and it takes a little finagling to make one's way. It takes a little improvisation, scooting between lanes of traffic, creeping up and past when there are a bunch of cars stopped at a light. Basically I just copy what the locals do, and it works (knock on wood). It definitely reminds me of driving in Manhattan, in the sense that being cautious is actually more hazardous than seeing the opening and going for it... within reason, of course. I like it, and it has opened up lots of new possibilities for enjoyment around town.
Yesterday I finally made it up to Doi Suthep which is the famous temple that is high on a hill to the west of town. They say that you haven't really visited Chiang Mai until you go to Doi Suthep, so I guess you can now count me as a visitor. It's about 25 minutes on the scooter, past the zoo, past Chiang Mai University, then up up up, twisty road, not too much traffic, no views now, as it's burning season and the air is thick with smoke.... they call it haze, OK haze. But it was cool to get there, an awesome place where once you arrive, there are still many many steps to climb to get to the temple and pagoda.
Many folks have set up booths to take advantage of the huge tourist trade, food, crafts, little hill tribe girls in full native regalia looking for a few baht. I climbed up, grabbed a prayer card and did the proscribed three circles around the pagoda in a line with monks, Thais and some westerners. A nice trip and I was very glad to finally get there.
Today I spent with 'German Joe' a local musician who has lived here for twenty years and has a house (and music studio) about twenty minutes out of town. That was my inspiration for renting the bike in the first place, as I went out there a few days ago to maybe record a couple of the songs I've written here. I spent the day today, did some tracks for Bhang Lassi and Same Same, had lunch with him and his 15 year old son and his Burmese lady friend of 3 years. then back to the studio to lay in some vocals and harmonies, had a lot of fun getting to work on music like that. He charged me 500 baht for about 3 and a half hours of actual working time, the other three hours were trying to fix whatever problems arose, dead battery in the bass, lousy chord to the headphones, stuff always crops up, especially in the tropics when things corrode quickly. (By the way, 500 baht is about $17, so it was well worth the $5/hour studio time).
Joe also used the word 'improvisation' and he was referring to the fact that you just have to figure out how to get things done sometimes. Stuff happens, people are weird, there is miscommunication, and you just find a way around and through. (like on a scooter, sabes?). It's the way things are in Thailand, lots of improv.
M is sick, exhausted and hanging on, I feel badly for her, but there's nothing I can really do to help, more than buy the vitamin C and be as supportive as possible. We spent our first night apart in the last couple of weeks last night as I was getting up early to go record and she was feeling lousy, so it seemed like a natural break. She wanted the time to herself, and that's fine. She tends to get that way when she's unhappy, and I didn't take it personally. C'est la vie (La vie, he said, going for the laugh)
Yesterday I finally made it up to Doi Suthep which is the famous temple that is high on a hill to the west of town. They say that you haven't really visited Chiang Mai until you go to Doi Suthep, so I guess you can now count me as a visitor. It's about 25 minutes on the scooter, past the zoo, past Chiang Mai University, then up up up, twisty road, not too much traffic, no views now, as it's burning season and the air is thick with smoke.... they call it haze, OK haze. But it was cool to get there, an awesome place where once you arrive, there are still many many steps to climb to get to the temple and pagoda.
Many folks have set up booths to take advantage of the huge tourist trade, food, crafts, little hill tribe girls in full native regalia looking for a few baht. I climbed up, grabbed a prayer card and did the proscribed three circles around the pagoda in a line with monks, Thais and some westerners. A nice trip and I was very glad to finally get there.
Today I spent with 'German Joe' a local musician who has lived here for twenty years and has a house (and music studio) about twenty minutes out of town. That was my inspiration for renting the bike in the first place, as I went out there a few days ago to maybe record a couple of the songs I've written here. I spent the day today, did some tracks for Bhang Lassi and Same Same, had lunch with him and his 15 year old son and his Burmese lady friend of 3 years. then back to the studio to lay in some vocals and harmonies, had a lot of fun getting to work on music like that. He charged me 500 baht for about 3 and a half hours of actual working time, the other three hours were trying to fix whatever problems arose, dead battery in the bass, lousy chord to the headphones, stuff always crops up, especially in the tropics when things corrode quickly. (By the way, 500 baht is about $17, so it was well worth the $5/hour studio time).
Joe also used the word 'improvisation' and he was referring to the fact that you just have to figure out how to get things done sometimes. Stuff happens, people are weird, there is miscommunication, and you just find a way around and through. (like on a scooter, sabes?). It's the way things are in Thailand, lots of improv.
M is sick, exhausted and hanging on, I feel badly for her, but there's nothing I can really do to help, more than buy the vitamin C and be as supportive as possible. We spent our first night apart in the last couple of weeks last night as I was getting up early to go record and she was feeling lousy, so it seemed like a natural break. She wanted the time to herself, and that's fine. She tends to get that way when she's unhappy, and I didn't take it personally. C'est la vie (La vie, he said, going for the laugh)
Sometimes you're the hammer....
Sometimes you're the veal. (That's right, you were expecting me to say 'the nail', but 'veal' was more like it yesterday. I was tenderized at the Sunday Market, getting some body work done by a Thai guy who was trying to heal my aching back. Still giving me problems, a bit of numbness down the right arm, everything able to function, but there is some daily discomfort and it's not seeming to get better.
The guy's name is Nop (sounds like 'nope') and he is set up near a foot massage outpost on one of the main intersections of the walking street. Maybe about 30 years old, fit, good guy, knows what he's doing. He's got a chiropractic table set up and does body work on whoever shows up and is interested. He does this technique in which he takes a wooden mallet and hits a rosewood peg up and down your spine and your extremities. Tok tok tok tok tok tok, listening to the sound, getting information from the resistance, the sound etc. For the receiver of the treatment... it's like being tenderized, for reals.
He softened me up with a lot of tok tok tok, did some massage and chiropractic on my back, and since I was the last client of the evening, he spent about an hour working on me, as his assistants and M looked on. I quite enjoyed the treatment, though woke up about the same this morning as yesterday, which makes me think that there is something off in my spine that no tenderization can get to. Alas... I want to see Dr Peltzer when I get back to Oregon. He's a great chiropractor working out of Springfield and I'd like him to take a crack at it too. (pun intended)
Really the home stretch now, I'll be on a plane to Oregon in 16 days, so the time with M is now ultra precious. We had one of our best weeks ever this past week and it's gonna be very difficult to up and leave. Crazy even, but no crazier than a lot of the stories one hears from here. She's in good form, getting excited about finishing her bar waitress job and starting a new chapter. She really wants me to return to her ASAP and is willing to 'wait for me' if that's what I want. (Lots of Thai women promise this to their boyfriends, often stringing two or three different foreigners along at the same time to keep the money flowing in). But I believe M when she tells me that she would wait for me. Even against all odds. Even if people assured me that I was being stupid. Besides, I like a good story... and this is a good one, regardless of how it plays out.
The thing that interests me most is how she deals with the alcohol issue. If it turns out that she is just one of those people who needs to drink every day, OK, God Bless you, good luck. But she is making lots of statements about moving into a different place, healthwise, and we will see. When she goes and sees her sister, she won't be smoking and will maybe be allowed one beer a day (if that). We joke that it's like going to rehab, and hey, why not, it sounds like a natural way to at least catch a glimpse of a different lifestyle. She's got some neck and back pain that she wants to work on as well and then hopefully back into yoga as well.
Whatever happens, it's been quite a ride, and quite a gift that we have gotten to experience. Still a huge amount of love flows between us, and it's been deepened by some of the struggles we've undergone together. There's a lot to be said for hanging in there (not my greatest attribute usually), and I plan on enjoying these final weeks of being together.... even though there is a huge part of me that is frightened about having to separate in March.... It ain't gonna be easy... oy.
The guy's name is Nop (sounds like 'nope') and he is set up near a foot massage outpost on one of the main intersections of the walking street. Maybe about 30 years old, fit, good guy, knows what he's doing. He's got a chiropractic table set up and does body work on whoever shows up and is interested. He does this technique in which he takes a wooden mallet and hits a rosewood peg up and down your spine and your extremities. Tok tok tok tok tok tok, listening to the sound, getting information from the resistance, the sound etc. For the receiver of the treatment... it's like being tenderized, for reals.
He softened me up with a lot of tok tok tok, did some massage and chiropractic on my back, and since I was the last client of the evening, he spent about an hour working on me, as his assistants and M looked on. I quite enjoyed the treatment, though woke up about the same this morning as yesterday, which makes me think that there is something off in my spine that no tenderization can get to. Alas... I want to see Dr Peltzer when I get back to Oregon. He's a great chiropractor working out of Springfield and I'd like him to take a crack at it too. (pun intended)
Really the home stretch now, I'll be on a plane to Oregon in 16 days, so the time with M is now ultra precious. We had one of our best weeks ever this past week and it's gonna be very difficult to up and leave. Crazy even, but no crazier than a lot of the stories one hears from here. She's in good form, getting excited about finishing her bar waitress job and starting a new chapter. She really wants me to return to her ASAP and is willing to 'wait for me' if that's what I want. (Lots of Thai women promise this to their boyfriends, often stringing two or three different foreigners along at the same time to keep the money flowing in). But I believe M when she tells me that she would wait for me. Even against all odds. Even if people assured me that I was being stupid. Besides, I like a good story... and this is a good one, regardless of how it plays out.
The thing that interests me most is how she deals with the alcohol issue. If it turns out that she is just one of those people who needs to drink every day, OK, God Bless you, good luck. But she is making lots of statements about moving into a different place, healthwise, and we will see. When she goes and sees her sister, she won't be smoking and will maybe be allowed one beer a day (if that). We joke that it's like going to rehab, and hey, why not, it sounds like a natural way to at least catch a glimpse of a different lifestyle. She's got some neck and back pain that she wants to work on as well and then hopefully back into yoga as well.
Whatever happens, it's been quite a ride, and quite a gift that we have gotten to experience. Still a huge amount of love flows between us, and it's been deepened by some of the struggles we've undergone together. There's a lot to be said for hanging in there (not my greatest attribute usually), and I plan on enjoying these final weeks of being together.... even though there is a huge part of me that is frightened about having to separate in March.... It ain't gonna be easy... oy.
Dizzy....
Dizzy Gillespie? Dizzy Miss Lizzie? Dizzy Dean? Benjamin Disraeli?
Nope, just kind of rapturously ill, not thinking quite clearly, spent most of the day in bed with no energy and stomach 'issues' (don't make me paint a picture, it ain't pretty). Haven't eaten today other than a little Buddha blessed banana which was on Noi's altar the past few days, and then she puts them on the counter for her customers. Yes I have had my coffees, but that's about it for nourishment. And I feel good somehow, not physically good, not mentally or emotionally good, just 'good to be alive' good. Definitely spacy, wouldn't want to have to put out much effort, but good nevertheless. Could it be 'karmically' good? Yeah that works OK.
The reason I got up at all was because I finished my latest read, a lightweight book by PG Wodehouse featuring stories about the game of golf, and since it was written in 1926, he's writing about things like niblicks and mashies and the like. The book is called 'the heart of a goof', and it's utterly charming. LS, you would get a big kick out of it. It was recommended to me by George, (that's the owner of the 'Lost Book Shop' which is a great place for used books in Chiang Mai). George is an Irish wit, all round character and excellent recommender of books, and he's one of the things that make Chiang Mai a great place. I traded in the Wodehouse for a couple of other George suggestions, Birdsong by Sebastian Faulks, and The Dice Man by Luke Rhinehart. So awesome to be a reader over here, I hope to keep it up when I get back. The key is to keep the television off, no doubt about that...
So it's 5pm, I'm under the weather, and like I say, feeling good, maybe due to the 3 ibuprofen I popped a few hours ago. Maybe it's because I don't have anything pressing on me today, no gig, no student, just time to lay around, read, make another trip to the bathroom, I think that's done now (he said hopefully), take a look at the internet, jot a few notes, hang out. Feels like I'm living like a king here, especially compared to the locals who tend to work 6 days a week for little money. I guess the best I can do is feel gratitude and kindness about it, don't be a dick about it, which you see plenty of around here.
The weather is turning toward the hot hot hot season, afternoons are quite warm and getting more so. Within a few weeks, many of the winter crowd will have departed back to where they came from, me included. So there is this kind of dreamy quality as the days wind down, a knowledge that time is short and the days of wine and roses are coming to an end for this season. I'm making a conscious effort to drink in the sensations, enjoy M's warmth and feel, revel in the last few gigs at CU corner, making music with my friends. feel that sense of gratitude for this awesome place and for my little niche in it.
Along those lines, a couple of days ago was like a graduation party of sorts over at CU. M had just given her notice the day before, it was 'ladies night' and we had a great gig, followed by a great set on bass backing up Apple. And then it's late at night and it was all regulars there, maybe 8 of us. Jeff and Dau (actually she told me that she spells it Taew, which is what I'll do from now on) were both feeling good, surrounded by friends, more like family in a way. When I told them I have never really been drunk (true) they took it as some kind of challenge, and poured me a few glasses of wine, which I managed to get down. Got a little buzz going but nothing more than that. M is just so into me right now, this opportunity she has to get out of the bar is really huge for her, and she is showing me much love and appreciation, so it just felt extra special on Valentine's Day, surrounded by friends and good feeling. For once the late night scene there was a comfortable one for me....
But then we heard the next day that Jeff crashed his motorcycle on the way home (3am), ran into some spilled oil on the street and went down along with a couple of other bikers. Apparently he's OK, but the bar was closed yesterday as he needed a day to lay around. I haven't seen him yet, he's a stoic at heart, and even if he was very injured, I'm sure he wouldn't talk about it. I'll pop in on my way back to bed....
Well, I got some books, I got some gigs to look forward to, both here and in Oregon, I'll maybe grab some food and take it back to the guest house and lay around some more, and I'm genuinely happy.... if a tad dizzy....
Nope, just kind of rapturously ill, not thinking quite clearly, spent most of the day in bed with no energy and stomach 'issues' (don't make me paint a picture, it ain't pretty). Haven't eaten today other than a little Buddha blessed banana which was on Noi's altar the past few days, and then she puts them on the counter for her customers. Yes I have had my coffees, but that's about it for nourishment. And I feel good somehow, not physically good, not mentally or emotionally good, just 'good to be alive' good. Definitely spacy, wouldn't want to have to put out much effort, but good nevertheless. Could it be 'karmically' good? Yeah that works OK.
The reason I got up at all was because I finished my latest read, a lightweight book by PG Wodehouse featuring stories about the game of golf, and since it was written in 1926, he's writing about things like niblicks and mashies and the like. The book is called 'the heart of a goof', and it's utterly charming. LS, you would get a big kick out of it. It was recommended to me by George, (that's the owner of the 'Lost Book Shop' which is a great place for used books in Chiang Mai). George is an Irish wit, all round character and excellent recommender of books, and he's one of the things that make Chiang Mai a great place. I traded in the Wodehouse for a couple of other George suggestions, Birdsong by Sebastian Faulks, and The Dice Man by Luke Rhinehart. So awesome to be a reader over here, I hope to keep it up when I get back. The key is to keep the television off, no doubt about that...
So it's 5pm, I'm under the weather, and like I say, feeling good, maybe due to the 3 ibuprofen I popped a few hours ago. Maybe it's because I don't have anything pressing on me today, no gig, no student, just time to lay around, read, make another trip to the bathroom, I think that's done now (he said hopefully), take a look at the internet, jot a few notes, hang out. Feels like I'm living like a king here, especially compared to the locals who tend to work 6 days a week for little money. I guess the best I can do is feel gratitude and kindness about it, don't be a dick about it, which you see plenty of around here.
The weather is turning toward the hot hot hot season, afternoons are quite warm and getting more so. Within a few weeks, many of the winter crowd will have departed back to where they came from, me included. So there is this kind of dreamy quality as the days wind down, a knowledge that time is short and the days of wine and roses are coming to an end for this season. I'm making a conscious effort to drink in the sensations, enjoy M's warmth and feel, revel in the last few gigs at CU corner, making music with my friends. feel that sense of gratitude for this awesome place and for my little niche in it.
Along those lines, a couple of days ago was like a graduation party of sorts over at CU. M had just given her notice the day before, it was 'ladies night' and we had a great gig, followed by a great set on bass backing up Apple. And then it's late at night and it was all regulars there, maybe 8 of us. Jeff and Dau (actually she told me that she spells it Taew, which is what I'll do from now on) were both feeling good, surrounded by friends, more like family in a way. When I told them I have never really been drunk (true) they took it as some kind of challenge, and poured me a few glasses of wine, which I managed to get down. Got a little buzz going but nothing more than that. M is just so into me right now, this opportunity she has to get out of the bar is really huge for her, and she is showing me much love and appreciation, so it just felt extra special on Valentine's Day, surrounded by friends and good feeling. For once the late night scene there was a comfortable one for me....
But then we heard the next day that Jeff crashed his motorcycle on the way home (3am), ran into some spilled oil on the street and went down along with a couple of other bikers. Apparently he's OK, but the bar was closed yesterday as he needed a day to lay around. I haven't seen him yet, he's a stoic at heart, and even if he was very injured, I'm sure he wouldn't talk about it. I'll pop in on my way back to bed....
Well, I got some books, I got some gigs to look forward to, both here and in Oregon, I'll maybe grab some food and take it back to the guest house and lay around some more, and I'm genuinely happy.... if a tad dizzy....
Lucky
How else to describe the feeling of going to the computer and seeing an email offering me fifteen gigs this summer, small library concerts around Oregon. It's a reprise of last summer's tour in support of The Oregon College Savings Plan, who is sponsoring a bunch of shows in small town libraries. Apparently I was selected as one of the top performers around the state last year, and the 5 of us were put on the roster to spread the good vibes.
And coming at a time when my summer was looking really slow, and I was thinking, 'Oh shit, do I have to find a job?' (Gasp!), this came as fantastic news, and suddenly my summer prospects have gone from 'dim' to 'fine' (and getting better). And another gig just came in today, so I'm gonna be all right this summer. When I told M the good news, she said it was Karma, I did something nice for her and it came back to me. Could be, or maybe a simple coincidence?. 'Karma or Coincidence' the new game show...
Either way, it's a big relief to have a nice chunk of gigs come in over the wire, and I'll be able to add to that income, pick up some students perhaps, sell some songs, that's what I really should do, and I think I'm gonna give it a shot this year. I've heard about a couple of sites where you pay a fee of like $300 and then a per song fee on top of that, and your stuff will be listened to and perhaps placed with folks who are looking for what it is that you do. I don't see myself moving to Nashville or anything like that, but I could see going the route described above. And maybe folks would say, 'Glauber, your stuff is crap' and that will be that (but I don't think so... ho ho ho)
My stomach ain't quite right after some Indian food last night, my back is still out of whack, got a touch of sciatica, breathing a little wheezy.... and I'm feeling very lucky nonetheless. So there ya go. (note to self 'back out of whack', pretty good rhyme...:-)
And coming at a time when my summer was looking really slow, and I was thinking, 'Oh shit, do I have to find a job?' (Gasp!), this came as fantastic news, and suddenly my summer prospects have gone from 'dim' to 'fine' (and getting better). And another gig just came in today, so I'm gonna be all right this summer. When I told M the good news, she said it was Karma, I did something nice for her and it came back to me. Could be, or maybe a simple coincidence?. 'Karma or Coincidence' the new game show...
Either way, it's a big relief to have a nice chunk of gigs come in over the wire, and I'll be able to add to that income, pick up some students perhaps, sell some songs, that's what I really should do, and I think I'm gonna give it a shot this year. I've heard about a couple of sites where you pay a fee of like $300 and then a per song fee on top of that, and your stuff will be listened to and perhaps placed with folks who are looking for what it is that you do. I don't see myself moving to Nashville or anything like that, but I could see going the route described above. And maybe folks would say, 'Glauber, your stuff is crap' and that will be that (but I don't think so... ho ho ho)
My stomach ain't quite right after some Indian food last night, my back is still out of whack, got a touch of sciatica, breathing a little wheezy.... and I'm feeling very lucky nonetheless. So there ya go. (note to self 'back out of whack', pretty good rhyme...:-)
Valentine's Day
Well I guess I've got my lifetime Valentine's Day moment which I can refer to every year, and it occurred last year, right here in Chiang Mai. I was feeling super close to M, and I got the urge to try and capture it in music, which I believe that I did. The original impulse for the song came when she met an acquaintance who asked, 'did you get a flower for Valentine's Day?' (in Thai). M replied, I don't want a flower. After we parted, she went off to get ready for work, I went back to my guitar and I started working on a song. I had the main theme within a couple of hours, then spent a couple of days coming up with a bridge that was different (and pretty darn good IMHO). I recorded a simple version of it back in Oregon in May, and that's the one that's up on Youtube.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N1hRQlCeGr8
This song trips me out in some ways, largely because I think it's quite good, very commercially viable, so it tends to bring up the 'I don't know how to market myself' despair that I have felt over the years. Note, it's not commercially viable with me as the singer, but the song itself has a kind of 'Christmas album', 'Disney movie' vibe that would probably be worth a chunk of cash.... if only one knew how to proceed.... So it's a double edged sword for me, I love the song and it bums me out. (sometimes)
And I'm in a love place once again this year, though it feels like there has been a qualitative shift in our relationship since I decided to pony up and give M the kind of support that will enable her to walk away from a job that has had her trapped for the past 15 months. Primarily it's a health issue, she is exhausted, overworked, and as long as she is working 6 late nights a week in a popular bar, there would be no way for her to break out of the smoking and drinking phase that she's in. And she does want to change that, and there is some excitement on her part when she considers some of the possibilities. It's wonderful to see, and I can imagine the possibility of the 'bad girl, I can take care of myself' woman giving way to something more healthy. She wants it, and now that she sees a way out, it seems that she is more positive and excited (and grateful).
And this is certainly no panacea, no guarantee of future anything, merely an opportunity for her to rewrite the script for the next chapter. She gave notice yesterday, said she'd stay until the end of March if need be (6 weeks) and she really wants to end the employment in a good and positive way. The high season will be over by then and it's very generous of her to give them that much time. She said that Dow (her boss) was understanding and not upset, 'you can't work here forever, it's your life', and that Jeff was more non-commital in his response, (but he's tight lipped anyway, eh). And ultimately it doesn't matter what they think about it, because it is her life, and her health and well being take precedence over just about any other consideration.
I'm on my way over there now, getting ready for another gig, after missing last Friday's due to the trip to Pai. My gigs are winding down now, as my visa is up in a mere two weeks. I could make a visa run to the border and spend my last week here with her, seems kinda likely as the time is so precious, but either way, I'm gonna be on a plane out of Bangkok at 1am on March 7, and that is coming up real soon. Am I happy about it? Not in the slightest, but I don't think there's any way around it. Even though I don't have anything on the calendar until late March, I'm afraid I can't change the ticket, since it's a combination Korean Airlines/Alaska Airlines fare. I tried to change it on the way over here when Bangkok was flooded and things felt a little sketchy, but was told that I couldn't, for that very reason. So I'll just resign myself to the reality that this thing is on the last lap. (sigh)
But 'gratitude', right? Yes indeed. In spite of the ups and downs, the turmoil and angst, it's been an incredible blessing to be here, to be connected, to experience love and music and friends and this part of the world. Will I be back? Yes I will. (enshalla)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N1hRQlCeGr8
This song trips me out in some ways, largely because I think it's quite good, very commercially viable, so it tends to bring up the 'I don't know how to market myself' despair that I have felt over the years. Note, it's not commercially viable with me as the singer, but the song itself has a kind of 'Christmas album', 'Disney movie' vibe that would probably be worth a chunk of cash.... if only one knew how to proceed.... So it's a double edged sword for me, I love the song and it bums me out. (sometimes)
And I'm in a love place once again this year, though it feels like there has been a qualitative shift in our relationship since I decided to pony up and give M the kind of support that will enable her to walk away from a job that has had her trapped for the past 15 months. Primarily it's a health issue, she is exhausted, overworked, and as long as she is working 6 late nights a week in a popular bar, there would be no way for her to break out of the smoking and drinking phase that she's in. And she does want to change that, and there is some excitement on her part when she considers some of the possibilities. It's wonderful to see, and I can imagine the possibility of the 'bad girl, I can take care of myself' woman giving way to something more healthy. She wants it, and now that she sees a way out, it seems that she is more positive and excited (and grateful).
And this is certainly no panacea, no guarantee of future anything, merely an opportunity for her to rewrite the script for the next chapter. She gave notice yesterday, said she'd stay until the end of March if need be (6 weeks) and she really wants to end the employment in a good and positive way. The high season will be over by then and it's very generous of her to give them that much time. She said that Dow (her boss) was understanding and not upset, 'you can't work here forever, it's your life', and that Jeff was more non-commital in his response, (but he's tight lipped anyway, eh). And ultimately it doesn't matter what they think about it, because it is her life, and her health and well being take precedence over just about any other consideration.
I'm on my way over there now, getting ready for another gig, after missing last Friday's due to the trip to Pai. My gigs are winding down now, as my visa is up in a mere two weeks. I could make a visa run to the border and spend my last week here with her, seems kinda likely as the time is so precious, but either way, I'm gonna be on a plane out of Bangkok at 1am on March 7, and that is coming up real soon. Am I happy about it? Not in the slightest, but I don't think there's any way around it. Even though I don't have anything on the calendar until late March, I'm afraid I can't change the ticket, since it's a combination Korean Airlines/Alaska Airlines fare. I tried to change it on the way over here when Bangkok was flooded and things felt a little sketchy, but was told that I couldn't, for that very reason. So I'll just resign myself to the reality that this thing is on the last lap. (sigh)
But 'gratitude', right? Yes indeed. In spite of the ups and downs, the turmoil and angst, it's been an incredible blessing to be here, to be connected, to experience love and music and friends and this part of the world. Will I be back? Yes I will. (enshalla)
To Give Your More.... (to receive your less)
Wouldn't it be nice to have a final few weeks without any drama, turmoil, late night worry etc, that is my goal. It's Monday morning now, which means I've just had the best of times with M, her Sunday off, time to hang out, 'connect', talk, relax, have some great food, which we did at a place on the north end of town, and then strolled back through the city, taking in some sights and getting myself better oriented to this place. Last week, our Sunday bliss was crunched by a Monday night wake up call of alcohol, upset and a new tune (part of the Al Anon album I seem to be working on). And as part of our ongoing negotiation/planning I asked her if for this next stretch of time, she could really 'take care of me', put my emotional comfort high on her list, and she said, 'of course' and me, I believe her. (stay tuned:-)
We seem to be in a different phase now (he said hopefully), as my commitment to her future, ie gifting her with a substantial chunk of change which enables her to give notice at work and embark on the next chapter, has redrawn the parameters. She does want to get out of the bar, but has been hamstrung by a lack of money, and by the fear that she won't find something else. (meanwhile, thanks to her work there, she is very connected to the Farang community, her English is good and everyone knows that she is an awesome employee. I think in this facebook world, she will come up with something great, or create it herself)
She is willing (and wanting) to 'wait for me', meaning not be with any other men, if that's what I want, and I believe her in that way also. And now her focus seems to be 'are you sure you're coming back? are you coming back to me?' And my answer is yes (with some unspoken misgivings). Nothing is ever that clear cut, at least for this over-thinker, but it sure feels like I love her and that I want to be with her.... and if we can survive this testing period of much drama and an arc like a yoyo, hey who knows, maybe there is a future for the two of us.
But that's down the road (by definition, sabes?) and right now I'm only thinking as far as her giving notice, going to visit her sister near Bangkok, and transitioning into the next phase. And I feel good about my participation in that process, stepping up and giving her what she needs, without any expectation of a personal reward down the road. Marley sang about 'give your more to receive your less', it must be from the bible, and that's where I'm coming from in this case. Let's ask Senor Google about that phrase... Hey, it is a Marley line, from the song Misty Morning, probably my all time favorite vocal by the master.... I still get tingles when I hear it.... Give it a listen, will ya...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ozf6UbTqQRA
There is one mystery, I just can't express
To give your more, to receive your less
I remember wearing out this album when I was visiting my buddy Howie (and his new wife Jane) down in the Florida keys in December1978. this turned out to be a very significant turning point for me, as I was down there for a month prior to going and finishing a degree at Skidmore College beginning in January. We were drinking Cuban coffee (Cafe Bustelo), oh yes, smoking weed, hanging out rasta style, sailing, playing music Marley was the main soundtrack. Meanwhile, back in New York, my brother Bob 'borrowed' my car, which I had just bought, wrecked it in the snow, and now I was in need of some new wheels for the upstate New York winter. I got this news over the phone when I called in from the Keys to say hi. A couple of days later, I did LSD for the last time in my life (so far, anyhow), I was 25 years old, hanging out on Howie's boat which was tied up to the dock. I had this vision that came out of nowhere and in it, I realized that it was time for me to move to San Francisco, rather than freeze in upstate NY. And so I did, no questions asked. I've been a west coast guy ever since, no regrets.... And when people say to me, 'what made you move to the west coast?', sometimes I tell them the true story.
That digression aside, the point is that there is some mystery about giving your more (to receive your less). And interestingly, it's part of the message that M has been sharing with me over the months. Not about giving to her, but about giving in general, and yeah, there is something about her which is divine and tuned in and very wise.... It's easy to get distracted by the more obvious stuff which we have struggled with, but beneath that there is a serious and deep spiritual connection... and no, you can't put a price tag on that.
We seem to be in a different phase now (he said hopefully), as my commitment to her future, ie gifting her with a substantial chunk of change which enables her to give notice at work and embark on the next chapter, has redrawn the parameters. She does want to get out of the bar, but has been hamstrung by a lack of money, and by the fear that she won't find something else. (meanwhile, thanks to her work there, she is very connected to the Farang community, her English is good and everyone knows that she is an awesome employee. I think in this facebook world, she will come up with something great, or create it herself)
She is willing (and wanting) to 'wait for me', meaning not be with any other men, if that's what I want, and I believe her in that way also. And now her focus seems to be 'are you sure you're coming back? are you coming back to me?' And my answer is yes (with some unspoken misgivings). Nothing is ever that clear cut, at least for this over-thinker, but it sure feels like I love her and that I want to be with her.... and if we can survive this testing period of much drama and an arc like a yoyo, hey who knows, maybe there is a future for the two of us.
But that's down the road (by definition, sabes?) and right now I'm only thinking as far as her giving notice, going to visit her sister near Bangkok, and transitioning into the next phase. And I feel good about my participation in that process, stepping up and giving her what she needs, without any expectation of a personal reward down the road. Marley sang about 'give your more to receive your less', it must be from the bible, and that's where I'm coming from in this case. Let's ask Senor Google about that phrase... Hey, it is a Marley line, from the song Misty Morning, probably my all time favorite vocal by the master.... I still get tingles when I hear it.... Give it a listen, will ya...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ozf6UbTqQRA
There is one mystery, I just can't express
To give your more, to receive your less
I remember wearing out this album when I was visiting my buddy Howie (and his new wife Jane) down in the Florida keys in December1978. this turned out to be a very significant turning point for me, as I was down there for a month prior to going and finishing a degree at Skidmore College beginning in January. We were drinking Cuban coffee (Cafe Bustelo), oh yes, smoking weed, hanging out rasta style, sailing, playing music Marley was the main soundtrack. Meanwhile, back in New York, my brother Bob 'borrowed' my car, which I had just bought, wrecked it in the snow, and now I was in need of some new wheels for the upstate New York winter. I got this news over the phone when I called in from the Keys to say hi. A couple of days later, I did LSD for the last time in my life (so far, anyhow), I was 25 years old, hanging out on Howie's boat which was tied up to the dock. I had this vision that came out of nowhere and in it, I realized that it was time for me to move to San Francisco, rather than freeze in upstate NY. And so I did, no questions asked. I've been a west coast guy ever since, no regrets.... And when people say to me, 'what made you move to the west coast?', sometimes I tell them the true story.
That digression aside, the point is that there is some mystery about giving your more (to receive your less). And interestingly, it's part of the message that M has been sharing with me over the months. Not about giving to her, but about giving in general, and yeah, there is something about her which is divine and tuned in and very wise.... It's easy to get distracted by the more obvious stuff which we have struggled with, but beneath that there is a serious and deep spiritual connection... and no, you can't put a price tag on that.
Richelle, 'the slave'
Let's see now, as far as 'blog-worthiness' goes, that's been my litmus test of when to pay attention with a writer's eye... so that I can recall enough details later on to be able to recreate some images. If I see, hear or interact with some experience that captures my fancy, I'll want to write about it when I go online. Today, I met someone who was so obviously blog-worthy that I might need a new moniker...'super freak' comes to mind. 'Say hello to 'Richelle'.
'She', and yes, there is some question about what pronoun to use, is mid to late fifties, If I had to guess, I'd say native Australian, but without the sure-fire Aussie accent that is unmistakeable (unless you mistake a Kiwi for an Aussie, but I digress). Smart, very articulate and creative, dressed in a skirt and halter top, fake red hair short on top but over her neck in back, possessor of a 'cock' which she must have mentioned ten times in the conversation. Yep, just another fellow traveler, Burning Man freakazoid. She's the star of her own movie, that's for damn sure, and there was enough common ground between us for quite a conversation.
Her name was Richard once upon a time and the 'Richelle' character was born at Burning Man, in the Nevada desert, and it seems to have been a major turning point in her life. I wish I could quote her verbatim, but her rap was basically that 'At Burning Man, nobody cares who you are, what you've done, where you've been. It's all about the now, so you can and should create your own character and your own script,( not too different than having an avatar in cyberspace, in one of those crazy sites that I don't know the name of, but in this case it's 'real'). Does raise some interesting questions about the nature of 'reality', like back in the acid days. The character 'Richelle, the slave' was born at Burning Man 4 years ago, and she has continued up til this day. When she told me that she sold a screenplay of her life for 1.7 million dollars, I said, 'I don't believe you'. She replied, 'that's what I love about you'.
Before that, her comment was, 'I'm going to the bathroom, and when I'm holding my cock, I'll be thinking of you'. I replied, 'I don't need to hear that'. She also called me an 'angel', and I've heard that before, so I'm OK with that descriptor. She told me that she loved me three times, (I think)
Richelle is a slave to a Thai mistress, some kinky 29 year old hottie wild thing who has a big Aussie boyfriend who totally satisfies her in every way. (apparently). And this Thai woman will text assignments to Richelle like 'you see that gorgeous woman over there with that guy. I want her on her knees in the bathroom in 5 minutes' And Richelle will go right up to the stranger, point to his mistress and say, 'do you see my mistress, she wants you on her knees in the bathroom in 5 minutes, will you be there?'. And according to her, the answer was, 'hell yes'!. There were other stories of other assignments which involve photos and video and stuff I wouldn't write about on the blog. Apparently Richelle is all about being super direct, fearless, putting it out there with no filter, and in doing so, she will attract the fellow freaks among us who are just waiting to be invited. (or something like that)
And the odd thing is that I got the strong suspicion that her mistress/slave relationship is the opposite of what you might expect. One thinks of a mistress dominating the slave, but in this case, I think the slave conjured up the mistress. 'She's my reason for living'. It's Richelle's movie and she needed a mistress, not the other way around. It's all very 'Alice in Wonderland' X rated edition, but there is much intelligence and pathos and wisdom in the Bizarro World.
And probably some desperation as well. I was totally buying her act, happy to play along... (up to a point, mind you), and I could see that when she is getting the attention, running her shtick she's got a 'reason for living'. She's an 'entertainer' she told me, and yes, I was entertained, but I challenged her as well. When she asked if I wanted to hear her philosophy, my response was, yeah, if you want to hear mine as well. (which she did, though it was hard for her to not 'pick up the talking stick' and be the center of attention. So I called her on it, and she probably 'loves that about me too'.
She told me about some things that I must do in Pai, including be at the Bebop Lounge from midnight to one tonight when a rock band is playing and everything happens. And I think I shall make the scene, as it's very refreshing to have some new input and adventures. Like being on a scooter and scooting up to the waterfall way above Pai, a place I went last year. On the way back down, I stopped in at this restaurant that was playing great and weird music and had a pretty good crowd of long haired types sitting around eating and drinking. Delicious food, good company, great music and the conversation with Richelle. Before that, I crashed a Spanish conversation in which two veteran travelers were giving some younger ones the lowdown on Burma travel (which is in a process of radical change, especially after Hillary Clinton's visit a month or two ago). The couple had just been there (it's close to here, and they were giving some tips to the twenty somethings...
Well back to the guest house, take a shower, read my latest book, "Drop City' by TC Boyle (What a writer!, it's the third book I've read by him, He takes these strange American themes, this one is about the free love movement in the late sixties, early seventies and writes this tremendous prose about the stories therein. I've done a ton of reading on this trip, haven't kept a record of the books, hmmm, maybe I should do that, but I don't think I could conjure up all the ones I've read these past 3 months.
M and I are in 'I love you' phone contact. I'll be back to Chiang Mai to hang with her on her Sunday off, was thinking about going back Saturday, but hell, I took a three hour trip on a twisted road, I have a nice place to stay, it's fun on the bike and damn, I certainly was sick of the Chiang Mai scene, so yeah, I'll stay here an extra day and stay away from the CU corner for 4 nights worth. Yep, good plan. Played some cool music on the street last night with a shit hot Dutch guitarist who was knocking out great solos to some of my jazzy stuff. Just for fun and to amuse ourselves. Putting out the hat isn't a good idea, as technically, we're not supposed to make any money here... (But we could've)
Your faithful slave, er scribe,
Richard (affected French pronunciation, please... reee shard)
'She', and yes, there is some question about what pronoun to use, is mid to late fifties, If I had to guess, I'd say native Australian, but without the sure-fire Aussie accent that is unmistakeable (unless you mistake a Kiwi for an Aussie, but I digress). Smart, very articulate and creative, dressed in a skirt and halter top, fake red hair short on top but over her neck in back, possessor of a 'cock' which she must have mentioned ten times in the conversation. Yep, just another fellow traveler, Burning Man freakazoid. She's the star of her own movie, that's for damn sure, and there was enough common ground between us for quite a conversation.
Her name was Richard once upon a time and the 'Richelle' character was born at Burning Man, in the Nevada desert, and it seems to have been a major turning point in her life. I wish I could quote her verbatim, but her rap was basically that 'At Burning Man, nobody cares who you are, what you've done, where you've been. It's all about the now, so you can and should create your own character and your own script,( not too different than having an avatar in cyberspace, in one of those crazy sites that I don't know the name of, but in this case it's 'real'). Does raise some interesting questions about the nature of 'reality', like back in the acid days. The character 'Richelle, the slave' was born at Burning Man 4 years ago, and she has continued up til this day. When she told me that she sold a screenplay of her life for 1.7 million dollars, I said, 'I don't believe you'. She replied, 'that's what I love about you'.
Before that, her comment was, 'I'm going to the bathroom, and when I'm holding my cock, I'll be thinking of you'. I replied, 'I don't need to hear that'. She also called me an 'angel', and I've heard that before, so I'm OK with that descriptor. She told me that she loved me three times, (I think)
Richelle is a slave to a Thai mistress, some kinky 29 year old hottie wild thing who has a big Aussie boyfriend who totally satisfies her in every way. (apparently). And this Thai woman will text assignments to Richelle like 'you see that gorgeous woman over there with that guy. I want her on her knees in the bathroom in 5 minutes' And Richelle will go right up to the stranger, point to his mistress and say, 'do you see my mistress, she wants you on her knees in the bathroom in 5 minutes, will you be there?'. And according to her, the answer was, 'hell yes'!. There were other stories of other assignments which involve photos and video and stuff I wouldn't write about on the blog. Apparently Richelle is all about being super direct, fearless, putting it out there with no filter, and in doing so, she will attract the fellow freaks among us who are just waiting to be invited. (or something like that)
And the odd thing is that I got the strong suspicion that her mistress/slave relationship is the opposite of what you might expect. One thinks of a mistress dominating the slave, but in this case, I think the slave conjured up the mistress. 'She's my reason for living'. It's Richelle's movie and she needed a mistress, not the other way around. It's all very 'Alice in Wonderland' X rated edition, but there is much intelligence and pathos and wisdom in the Bizarro World.
And probably some desperation as well. I was totally buying her act, happy to play along... (up to a point, mind you), and I could see that when she is getting the attention, running her shtick she's got a 'reason for living'. She's an 'entertainer' she told me, and yes, I was entertained, but I challenged her as well. When she asked if I wanted to hear her philosophy, my response was, yeah, if you want to hear mine as well. (which she did, though it was hard for her to not 'pick up the talking stick' and be the center of attention. So I called her on it, and she probably 'loves that about me too'.
She told me about some things that I must do in Pai, including be at the Bebop Lounge from midnight to one tonight when a rock band is playing and everything happens. And I think I shall make the scene, as it's very refreshing to have some new input and adventures. Like being on a scooter and scooting up to the waterfall way above Pai, a place I went last year. On the way back down, I stopped in at this restaurant that was playing great and weird music and had a pretty good crowd of long haired types sitting around eating and drinking. Delicious food, good company, great music and the conversation with Richelle. Before that, I crashed a Spanish conversation in which two veteran travelers were giving some younger ones the lowdown on Burma travel (which is in a process of radical change, especially after Hillary Clinton's visit a month or two ago). The couple had just been there (it's close to here, and they were giving some tips to the twenty somethings...
Well back to the guest house, take a shower, read my latest book, "Drop City' by TC Boyle (What a writer!, it's the third book I've read by him, He takes these strange American themes, this one is about the free love movement in the late sixties, early seventies and writes this tremendous prose about the stories therein. I've done a ton of reading on this trip, haven't kept a record of the books, hmmm, maybe I should do that, but I don't think I could conjure up all the ones I've read these past 3 months.
M and I are in 'I love you' phone contact. I'll be back to Chiang Mai to hang with her on her Sunday off, was thinking about going back Saturday, but hell, I took a three hour trip on a twisted road, I have a nice place to stay, it's fun on the bike and damn, I certainly was sick of the Chiang Mai scene, so yeah, I'll stay here an extra day and stay away from the CU corner for 4 nights worth. Yep, good plan. Played some cool music on the street last night with a shit hot Dutch guitarist who was knocking out great solos to some of my jazzy stuff. Just for fun and to amuse ourselves. Putting out the hat isn't a good idea, as technically, we're not supposed to make any money here... (But we could've)
Your faithful slave, er scribe,
Richard (affected French pronunciation, please... reee shard)
Not what you will expect....
A couple of days ago, in response to my post about the tango, I got a surprising message on my facebook from H, a person I know in Oregon, we're friendly, though I wouldn't call us friends as we have never hung out together. The message said, 'Give her the money (I read your blog)'. This came out of the blue, as I didn't know that she was a reader of what I write, but more than that, it was a pretty strong statement. Apparently it was in response to my story that I had been wanting to give M money on different occasions, and each time it seemed like she would do something to make me change my mind.... almost like clockwork, or something cosmic. Cosmic clockwork. I made a flip comment along the lines of 'maybe she's doing me a favor and saving me some money', though actually it's not all that flip, as it represents a definite thought that goes through my head.
I wrote H back and asked for a little more information and she responded with this message..."She's been your tour guide, your translator, your companion, your muse, your sex partner...you knew who she was when you reunited with her. You dangled the chance of helping her financially (i suspect being much more stingy than most farang in your position. She gave you time while she could have been making an alliance with someone who would be less temperamental about giving her some money. I could go on and say some thimgs that might be hard for you to hear. I'll hold back and just say put aside you ego and romanticism and give her a fair amount of money for the time she spent with you."
(Well I asked for it, and I got it... and that was her holding back, oy) I was definitely stung and defensive when I read the passage, wanting to correct a few misconceptions, feeling a bit tweaked at some of the presumption. It's one of those things where there was some truth in the message, along with a helping of 'take it with a grain of salt' because everyone has their own slant on things, including H, including everybody. So once I got over the initial sting, it got me thinking. Well, I've obviously been thinking all along, but it put into focus one of the recurring themes about our two season love affair.
I've always wanted to change her, I see this incredible person who I'm very connected with, and the only thing that seems to drive us apart is the alcohol... so if she could just.... (fill in the blank). And could I use money as a motivator for change? I tried and it didn't work, the premise was flawed. There were strings attached to what I was 'giving', which makes it not really giving. Hence the consistent and perhaps predictable failure of that approach.
The real deal is that as long as M is working 6 nights a week in a bar, there is zero chance of us having any kind of future.... let alone present. I was in there last night until closing time, drinking water while a table full of regulars drank beer after beer, got into that alcoholic stupor, and in doing so, kept the bar open for that extra hour, hour and a half which is when the damage happens IMHO. I saw the owner drink 3 more drinks, rather than say, 'hey folks, closing time'. I saw M have a couple extra drinks as she's obligated to stay there until the boss says, we're closed. In other words, it all gets dragged down by the alcoholics among us who would hang out all night drinking if you let them. If someone is tending toward alcoholism, that scenario night after night will likely put them there...
I said to her late in the night, 'I wish you didn't work here' and she said, I wish 'I didn't work here too, but what can I do, I have to work'
I decided to step up and do something different, change the field of play. I came up with a figure that amounts to ten months of her base salary (not including tips). I have decided to give it to her, no strings attached.... actually one string. She has to stop working in the bar. This will give her the time and space to take a rest, get back into yoga, visit her sister north of Bangkok, which she's very anxious to do. She can 'not work' for awhile if that's what she wants. She can create a new gig, she can do what she wants to do.
And having decided on that course of action, I find it amazing how my mind wants to resist that generosity. Many thoughts crop up, most along the lines of wanting to 'get' something for my money. And I've spent a couple of days now processing those thoughts and rejecting them. Those are the mind games that have kept me/us in this limbo. So any thoughts of 'she'll stop drinking', 'people will think I'm generous', (or stupid), 'M will be obligated to me', 'What if I'm making a big mistake?', 'my reader er readers will have such and such reaction', 'I'll get anything whatsoever from this gift', I'm just seeing those thoughts for the mind play that it is, and am sticking to this thought. I'm in a position to put my money where my mouth is and to help someone whom I love, end of story. And I truly believe that if we have no future together, I'm still doing the right thing. (and it's not payment for translations, time spent or other previous services rendered... it's for her, today and into the future) I want to do this while I'm here because I have access to the money, and I think it will be harder to do once I'm back in the US. So I went to the bank machine today and pulled out the first installment which I gave to her this morning. I have a daily limit that I can withdraw, so that is my plan....give it to her this week, let her get it into the bank account and cut her loose from the treadmill. SHE TOTALLY DESERVES IT!
Thanks to H for the wake up call, I feel lined up with my higher self in this action, and I trust that feeling.... And now I'm in Pai, in a cute little cabin overlooking a lovely garden, paying $5 a night and ready to grab my guitar and make some music on the street. My hit song from this trip, which everyone loves when they hear is Same Same.
Same same, everybody's in the game
Same same, like a moth to the flame
He needs that honey
She needs that money
Same same
(You can Youtube search 'Rich Glauber Same Same' if ya wanna hear it...)
I wrote H back and asked for a little more information and she responded with this message..."She's been your tour guide, your translator, your companion, your muse, your sex partner...you knew who she was when you reunited with her. You dangled the chance of helping her financially (i suspect being much more stingy than most farang in your position. She gave you time while she could have been making an alliance with someone who would be less temperamental about giving her some money. I could go on and say some thimgs that might be hard for you to hear. I'll hold back and just say put aside you ego and romanticism and give her a fair amount of money for the time she spent with you."
(Well I asked for it, and I got it... and that was her holding back, oy) I was definitely stung and defensive when I read the passage, wanting to correct a few misconceptions, feeling a bit tweaked at some of the presumption. It's one of those things where there was some truth in the message, along with a helping of 'take it with a grain of salt' because everyone has their own slant on things, including H, including everybody. So once I got over the initial sting, it got me thinking. Well, I've obviously been thinking all along, but it put into focus one of the recurring themes about our two season love affair.
I've always wanted to change her, I see this incredible person who I'm very connected with, and the only thing that seems to drive us apart is the alcohol... so if she could just.... (fill in the blank). And could I use money as a motivator for change? I tried and it didn't work, the premise was flawed. There were strings attached to what I was 'giving', which makes it not really giving. Hence the consistent and perhaps predictable failure of that approach.
The real deal is that as long as M is working 6 nights a week in a bar, there is zero chance of us having any kind of future.... let alone present. I was in there last night until closing time, drinking water while a table full of regulars drank beer after beer, got into that alcoholic stupor, and in doing so, kept the bar open for that extra hour, hour and a half which is when the damage happens IMHO. I saw the owner drink 3 more drinks, rather than say, 'hey folks, closing time'. I saw M have a couple extra drinks as she's obligated to stay there until the boss says, we're closed. In other words, it all gets dragged down by the alcoholics among us who would hang out all night drinking if you let them. If someone is tending toward alcoholism, that scenario night after night will likely put them there...
I said to her late in the night, 'I wish you didn't work here' and she said, I wish 'I didn't work here too, but what can I do, I have to work'
I decided to step up and do something different, change the field of play. I came up with a figure that amounts to ten months of her base salary (not including tips). I have decided to give it to her, no strings attached.... actually one string. She has to stop working in the bar. This will give her the time and space to take a rest, get back into yoga, visit her sister north of Bangkok, which she's very anxious to do. She can 'not work' for awhile if that's what she wants. She can create a new gig, she can do what she wants to do.
And having decided on that course of action, I find it amazing how my mind wants to resist that generosity. Many thoughts crop up, most along the lines of wanting to 'get' something for my money. And I've spent a couple of days now processing those thoughts and rejecting them. Those are the mind games that have kept me/us in this limbo. So any thoughts of 'she'll stop drinking', 'people will think I'm generous', (or stupid), 'M will be obligated to me', 'What if I'm making a big mistake?', 'my reader er readers will have such and such reaction', 'I'll get anything whatsoever from this gift', I'm just seeing those thoughts for the mind play that it is, and am sticking to this thought. I'm in a position to put my money where my mouth is and to help someone whom I love, end of story. And I truly believe that if we have no future together, I'm still doing the right thing. (and it's not payment for translations, time spent or other previous services rendered... it's for her, today and into the future) I want to do this while I'm here because I have access to the money, and I think it will be harder to do once I'm back in the US. So I went to the bank machine today and pulled out the first installment which I gave to her this morning. I have a daily limit that I can withdraw, so that is my plan....give it to her this week, let her get it into the bank account and cut her loose from the treadmill. SHE TOTALLY DESERVES IT!
Thanks to H for the wake up call, I feel lined up with my higher self in this action, and I trust that feeling.... And now I'm in Pai, in a cute little cabin overlooking a lovely garden, paying $5 a night and ready to grab my guitar and make some music on the street. My hit song from this trip, which everyone loves when they hear is Same Same.
Same same, everybody's in the game
Same same, like a moth to the flame
He needs that honey
She needs that money
Same same
(You can Youtube search 'Rich Glauber Same Same' if ya wanna hear it...)
Road trip for a few days....
M and I had a good talk after the most recent episode of our recurring pattern. It was good to get a night off from one another and reassess. Still a lot of love there, without a doubt, and the adventure continues. I'm off tomorrow for a three night road trip to Pai, where I will rent a scooter and get used to riding again. Better there than here, as there is much less traffic, and the scenery is awesome with mountains, waterfalls, jungles etc. I'll miss my Friday night gig here, but plan on doing next week's Tuesday slot. (Valentine's Day, of all things). There's a good chance that I'll leave again on Wednesday to go to Chiang Dow, an hour and a half north of here for that Japanese organized, Shambhala festival. I hear it's gorgeous and fun, and I'll likely rent a scooter from Chiang Mai and ride up there with a friend. (Hence the practice time up in Pai). Feels good to be getting out of town, as much of my life the past two months has been lived within a square kilometer. Ah well, one makes one's choices and that's been my choice...
Off to buy a ticket...
Off to buy a ticket...
Got a tango going in my head....
Actually it's not quite a tango, more like a fake tango, begun last night at 4 in the morning, alone in my room, M out with her friends after work, which she told me she wouldn't do, kind of lied straight to my face, or as she put it, she 'changed her mind' about coming over right after her shift. (She did come over eventually, pretty hammered ('tired' is what she calls it). I guess I had a feeling, because she had that look when I saw her at the bar, and I actually went back there after leaving to say that it's not OK with me for her to go out drinking after the shift, and she assured me that she wouldn't. So I woke up at 4 in the morning, no M, and my mind starts imagining what's up. Grabbed the guitar, started writing a tango, er fake tango. It's got a Tom Waits feel to it.
It's the way you hold the bottle
Like it's your only trusted friend
I see the way you're drinking tonight
Here we go again
You tell me not to worry
Say what you think I want to hear
It sounds like you were talking
Or maybe it's the beer
Four o:clock in the morning
I see you haven't made it home
I wake up and I wonder
Why am I so alone
And in my heart of hearts I keep hoping
That we can find a way to the other side
But when too many parts are broken
And too many lies are spoken
It's the end of the ride
I didn't want to leave you
Lord knows I tried to stay
Now the fog is slowly lifting
I'll be up and on my way
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And yeah, I've been here before, only to turn around and keep at it, examine my own beliefs and actions, see what I could learn. It's been valuable. This time? maybe not. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on me, or as George Bush once famously said,' Fool me once, uh, shame on you, fool me twice, uh um, we won't get fooled again' Yeah, that really happened....
The first time she lied to me, she said, I made her do it, and in a way, she was right. I was micro managing her intake and it was a losing proposition. 'Never get between an alcoholic and the alcohol'. I suppose you could make the same argument in this case, but I can only punish myself so much. We had talked about it, she knows exactly where I'm coming from, she got into that alcohol zone and all bets are off. She said one thing, she did another thing (again), and I'm not gonna take it, sorry. If I can't trust her, then what the fuck, there's no sense continuing.
I kind of hung out today, worked on the song, took a swim, waited for her to wake up around 1:30pm, then put her stuff in a bag and said, I think it's time to go. Interestingly this is a reprise of what happened to her as a teenager, being thrown out of her house on a couple of occasions, so I'm sure it put her in a difficult emotional state.... that plus the hangover. and I'm not all holier than thou about it, I have a lot of care and concern for her, I didn't raise my voice or express anger. I resisted the urge to give her back the Buddha which she had given me. That would have been some cheap and tawdry drama (though I was tempted, I'm glad I resisted the urge). I don't want to hurt her in any way. Because it's not really her that is acting that way. It's the alcohol and the denial. I get it.
Yeah I've got some tears ahead because there is such a deep feeling of love that we have for one another. Just the other day, Sunday we had a blissful time together, taking care of one another, my mind looking toward the future, including what would it take for me to help support her financially while I'm gone. We had a couple of conversations about it and I was definitely planning on sharing some of what I have to invest in this relationship. (You really can't understand it in the west, so I won't bother to try and explain, but I was willing to share). And our happiness continued into Monday, sleeping late, loving each other, then she goes to work and the story shifts into the other thing. It's almost cause and effect, seemingly. The last time I was going to contribute (in a smaller way on Chinese New Year), is the last time she went off on the alcohol and short circuited the plan). Kind of weird... (hey, maybe she's trying to save me money, because it looks like it's turning out that way)
So I went and got a haircut, some reading material and I feel like I'm ready to blow out of Chiang Mai, maybe on Thursday. (got a gig tonight and lessons tomorrow, which I wouldn't feel right about cancelling) I could see a little trip up to the Hippie town of Pai, near the Burma border, a place I went last year and rented a scooter and tooled around for a few days. It sounds good to get out into the mountains. And early next week is the Shambhala festival, a Japanese organized 'Rainbow Family' type event that goes for a week in a beautiful area an hour and a half out of Chiang Mai. I guess a tentative plan is to get comfortable on a scooter for a few days, then come back here and rent one for the ride up to the gathering. I'm a bit reluctant to start riding around here, as the traffic is kind of insane and you see a lot of people with road rash AKA 'a Thailand tattoo'
Feeling pretty philosophical about things at the moment, I can look at myself in the mirror and feel OK about what I see. (metaphorically, you understand?) I'm satisfied with my behavior, my intentions and my communication, and beyond that, hey, whaddya gonna do? (new york accent)
It's the way you hold the bottle
Like it's your only trusted friend
I see the way you're drinking tonight
Here we go again
You tell me not to worry
Say what you think I want to hear
It sounds like you were talking
Or maybe it's the beer
Four o:clock in the morning
I see you haven't made it home
I wake up and I wonder
Why am I so alone
And in my heart of hearts I keep hoping
That we can find a way to the other side
But when too many parts are broken
And too many lies are spoken
It's the end of the ride
I didn't want to leave you
Lord knows I tried to stay
Now the fog is slowly lifting
I'll be up and on my way
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And yeah, I've been here before, only to turn around and keep at it, examine my own beliefs and actions, see what I could learn. It's been valuable. This time? maybe not. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on me, or as George Bush once famously said,' Fool me once, uh, shame on you, fool me twice, uh um, we won't get fooled again' Yeah, that really happened....
The first time she lied to me, she said, I made her do it, and in a way, she was right. I was micro managing her intake and it was a losing proposition. 'Never get between an alcoholic and the alcohol'. I suppose you could make the same argument in this case, but I can only punish myself so much. We had talked about it, she knows exactly where I'm coming from, she got into that alcohol zone and all bets are off. She said one thing, she did another thing (again), and I'm not gonna take it, sorry. If I can't trust her, then what the fuck, there's no sense continuing.
I kind of hung out today, worked on the song, took a swim, waited for her to wake up around 1:30pm, then put her stuff in a bag and said, I think it's time to go. Interestingly this is a reprise of what happened to her as a teenager, being thrown out of her house on a couple of occasions, so I'm sure it put her in a difficult emotional state.... that plus the hangover. and I'm not all holier than thou about it, I have a lot of care and concern for her, I didn't raise my voice or express anger. I resisted the urge to give her back the Buddha which she had given me. That would have been some cheap and tawdry drama (though I was tempted, I'm glad I resisted the urge). I don't want to hurt her in any way. Because it's not really her that is acting that way. It's the alcohol and the denial. I get it.
Yeah I've got some tears ahead because there is such a deep feeling of love that we have for one another. Just the other day, Sunday we had a blissful time together, taking care of one another, my mind looking toward the future, including what would it take for me to help support her financially while I'm gone. We had a couple of conversations about it and I was definitely planning on sharing some of what I have to invest in this relationship. (You really can't understand it in the west, so I won't bother to try and explain, but I was willing to share). And our happiness continued into Monday, sleeping late, loving each other, then she goes to work and the story shifts into the other thing. It's almost cause and effect, seemingly. The last time I was going to contribute (in a smaller way on Chinese New Year), is the last time she went off on the alcohol and short circuited the plan). Kind of weird... (hey, maybe she's trying to save me money, because it looks like it's turning out that way)
So I went and got a haircut, some reading material and I feel like I'm ready to blow out of Chiang Mai, maybe on Thursday. (got a gig tonight and lessons tomorrow, which I wouldn't feel right about cancelling) I could see a little trip up to the Hippie town of Pai, near the Burma border, a place I went last year and rented a scooter and tooled around for a few days. It sounds good to get out into the mountains. And early next week is the Shambhala festival, a Japanese organized 'Rainbow Family' type event that goes for a week in a beautiful area an hour and a half out of Chiang Mai. I guess a tentative plan is to get comfortable on a scooter for a few days, then come back here and rent one for the ride up to the gathering. I'm a bit reluctant to start riding around here, as the traffic is kind of insane and you see a lot of people with road rash AKA 'a Thailand tattoo'
Feeling pretty philosophical about things at the moment, I can look at myself in the mirror and feel OK about what I see. (metaphorically, you understand?) I'm satisfied with my behavior, my intentions and my communication, and beyond that, hey, whaddya gonna do? (new york accent)
Heating up....
Hot today in Chiang Mai, by the first of March it gets really warm here, and perhaps we are leading up to that. Had a great night last night at CU, wonderful gig, the band was playing well and with good focus, I got to break out some new songs and they all came off well. Keeps things interesting and alive. Among the ones debuted last night were 'Friends', 'I Know You Don't Love Me No More', 'American Song' and 'On the Sunny Side of the Street'. (two originals, two covers)
M made a conscious effort to limit her smoking and drinking, I could tell she was on her best behavior, and I very much appreciated it. Makes it much easier for me to be there, and I hung out late, had a few drinks myself, played a lot of music. My bass playing is better than ever, as I'm still the 'house bass player' who accompanies just about anybody. Nice to have that role, it adds a lot, gives me something fun to do, and my skills are quite sharp at this point. Who knew?
M and I woke up too early as we heard the parade going by that celebrates the 'Flower Festival' and we went down to drink coffee and check out the bands, the floats and the scene. It was kind of like the Tournament of Roses Parade on opium with gorgeous flower covered floats depicting elephants, Buddhas, much symbolism from this part of the world, interspersed with high school marching bands, drummers, gong bongers costumed characters, and heat. It was a long, slow parade, and I'll bet they were exhausted when it was over.
I taught two lessons today and have a gig tonight, so I'm more than paying my way, at least for this day, and that's a good feeling. Once again, I'll earn about 4 days typical Thai pay for a few hours of fun and music. Crazy. Couldn't really retire on that business plan, but it sure comes in handy while I'm here...
Back is showing very slight improvement, still a little numbness from time to time in my right arm, but maybe things will get better... And I definitely need to sleep before tonight's gig, I'm playing for two hours, then will switch to bass and back up Apple for his late night set.
Met this young Danish guy 33 years old who was at the bar last night. Great vibe, has lived the past 5 years in San Francisco and he was super happy to be shaking a shaker and digging the scene at CU last night. We got talking during a break and he was saying that he had been in Chiang Mai a few months ago, loved it, then traveled in Laos, Cambodia and Southern Thailand, all the while thinking that he wished he was back in Chiang Mai. Got back recently and is super happy about it, 'Why did I ever leave?'. Which is kinda the opposite of me in that I did hang out here for those couple of months and wondered whether I was missing something by not traveling. The grass is always greener, of course, but I took some kind of validation for my decision to stick around when I heard his comment. He said CU was the best place he's found in Asia, just an incredible vibe here, the right mix of people and music. He'll be back tonight for the festivities... Should be fun.... if I get some sleep before hand.... like right about now... zzzzzzzzzzz
M made a conscious effort to limit her smoking and drinking, I could tell she was on her best behavior, and I very much appreciated it. Makes it much easier for me to be there, and I hung out late, had a few drinks myself, played a lot of music. My bass playing is better than ever, as I'm still the 'house bass player' who accompanies just about anybody. Nice to have that role, it adds a lot, gives me something fun to do, and my skills are quite sharp at this point. Who knew?
M and I woke up too early as we heard the parade going by that celebrates the 'Flower Festival' and we went down to drink coffee and check out the bands, the floats and the scene. It was kind of like the Tournament of Roses Parade on opium with gorgeous flower covered floats depicting elephants, Buddhas, much symbolism from this part of the world, interspersed with high school marching bands, drummers, gong bongers costumed characters, and heat. It was a long, slow parade, and I'll bet they were exhausted when it was over.
I taught two lessons today and have a gig tonight, so I'm more than paying my way, at least for this day, and that's a good feeling. Once again, I'll earn about 4 days typical Thai pay for a few hours of fun and music. Crazy. Couldn't really retire on that business plan, but it sure comes in handy while I'm here...
Back is showing very slight improvement, still a little numbness from time to time in my right arm, but maybe things will get better... And I definitely need to sleep before tonight's gig, I'm playing for two hours, then will switch to bass and back up Apple for his late night set.
Met this young Danish guy 33 years old who was at the bar last night. Great vibe, has lived the past 5 years in San Francisco and he was super happy to be shaking a shaker and digging the scene at CU last night. We got talking during a break and he was saying that he had been in Chiang Mai a few months ago, loved it, then traveled in Laos, Cambodia and Southern Thailand, all the while thinking that he wished he was back in Chiang Mai. Got back recently and is super happy about it, 'Why did I ever leave?'. Which is kinda the opposite of me in that I did hang out here for those couple of months and wondered whether I was missing something by not traveling. The grass is always greener, of course, but I took some kind of validation for my decision to stick around when I heard his comment. He said CU was the best place he's found in Asia, just an incredible vibe here, the right mix of people and music. He'll be back tonight for the festivities... Should be fun.... if I get some sleep before hand.... like right about now... zzzzzzzzzzz
Twist...
I seem to have hit a crossroads (again), have been feeling stuck, unmotivated, judgmental about myself and others, and it came to a head last night around 1am at the CU Corner... I found myself getting triggered again by M's nearly constant beer and a cigarette stance, sometimes it doesn't bother me, sometimes it's intolerable to see and that was my experience last night... I could list all of the things that piss me off about it, which I've done enough of for fuck's sake, and even though it's likely more about me than about her, sometimes I just get pissed off about it.
One of the things I haven't mentioned is that I have this fear that when I leave, when she's off of her best behavior, she'll slip back into the place she was at last year, drinking at work, then going off to drink with her friends afterward, coming home as the sun comes up, calling me at that time with the world weary, drunk-dialing glaze that I wasn't really happy to hear day after day. Just another reason for me to get out while I can, and I'm feeling it pretty strongly today, that plus the fact that damn, there are a lot of women around here, both Thai and travelers, and if I 'didn't have a girlfriend' there would be many opportunities for 'adventure'. Especially as compared to Eugene, which is something of a freakin' desert when it comes to age-appropriate females with whom to interact. So there's that too, and that one is definitely about me.
And I've been at this juncture before with M, sure that it's done, only to turn around the next day and want to see her, love her etc. ride the rollercoaster, though at this moment, not so much. But like I say, I've been down this path too many times to take my momentary reluctance very seriously. And yes, I'm fucking bored with this reprise also. (editor's note, when I use the word 'fucking', it's a way to express the frustration I'm feeling, mostly with myself)
And I've been quite stale on the creative front, lost my rhythm, a little of my fitness, thanks to a sore back, and a lot of my mojo. It's as though I'm testing out the oft written fact that when I'm creative, I'm happy, and when I'm not, um not so happy, just maintaining. So I've come back to the internet cafe, which I seem to have been avoiding, and am here to try and dig in again, see what I can find. What I'm finding at the moment is an irregular heart beat, some kind of flutter, maybe that second cappuccino wasn't necessary? Like those people who 'can't handle coffee.... it just wires me up', they say, that hasn't been my experience. I'm more along the lines of '3 billion people can't be wrong'. But I have a little flutter going, or at least I did three sentences ago... looks like I survived it, gracias a dios.
I wrote the word 'twist' as the title of this post, because last night I went back to the guest house, hung out late night with my buddy Harris and he twisted one up and we stood on the veranda and took in the scene, ended up playing some music, which turned into basically a music lesson from me, can't help it sometimes, but before that, just as the reality started to shift, we were talking about song-writing and agreed that there's nothing new under the sun; you have to enter somewhere and hopefully add your own little twist that makes it interesting, original and worth pursuing. That's pretty much how I describe my process, the music is familiar, it makes sense, and hopefully there's some turn of phrase, some unexpected verbal or harmonic twist that adds that little whimsy and makes it artistic.
And where does the twist come from? That's what is the delightful part, it ofen seems to come from somewhere outside, somewhere divine, somewhere deeper than the norm. It's kind of like praying, or my version of it, my mind goes into some kind of altered state, some kind of meditation or channeling, my receptors are as wide open as I can make them, and then I just search inwardly, let images come, let words come, follow them where they lead. I've had the image of twin rolodexes spinning opposite one another, like a Virginia Reel, where every word in one gets introduced to every word in the other one and sometimes there is a little recognition of some kind of funny relationship between the two. I think this is where my humor writing comes from, that process of the rolodexes spinning and generating relationships. I'll think of a word that has humor potential and I spin it to see what latches on. It's how my mind works. Little spinning word processor...
So I was frustrated last night, and when the word 'twist' entered the conversation, that little bell went off that said, 'Wow, now there's an interesting concept to ponder.... twist....' and right away that little section of brain starts turning that word over and over, twisting it, ya might say. I filed that thought away for a possible foray, maybe today, and I can feel my brain want to create.... away foray today (OK?). And now it's today, so I figure I'll just see where twist goes...
First stop is 'the twist' and Chubby Checker and I found myself feeling sorry for him, having to sing that fuckin song for 50 years, but as Harris said, 'it's better than working in the Walmart in Fremont, California, and yeah, there's that. I do remember Rosie's father Everett talking about how he used to lead the social dancing and 'play party' activities at his church in the 50s until 'The twist came along and ruined everything' For him it signalled the beginning of people just doing their own thing and not connecting with a partner or the group.
And a few years later came Twist and Shout, at least the Beatles version of it, which was the coolest thing ever to my ten year old heart and mind. I still love that version, John Lennon's vocal is one of the all time great versions... even if it wrecked his voice for a few weeks (which it did).
But why is the concept of the twist so compelling... not the lame dance, but the idea of stepping off into uncharted territory, getting off the predictable and boring 'consensually agreed upon' reality and finding something in the shadows, something dangerous, something unholy, something twisted... rhymes with tryst. Lot of good rhymes actually, fist missed pissed dissed kissed list gist grist, twist of lemon, twisted sister, twist one up, never the twain shall meet betwixt and between... I'm gonna meditate on this as I go about my day, looking for some kind of twist in my reality, find a change of pace and a change of purpose....
One of the things I haven't mentioned is that I have this fear that when I leave, when she's off of her best behavior, she'll slip back into the place she was at last year, drinking at work, then going off to drink with her friends afterward, coming home as the sun comes up, calling me at that time with the world weary, drunk-dialing glaze that I wasn't really happy to hear day after day. Just another reason for me to get out while I can, and I'm feeling it pretty strongly today, that plus the fact that damn, there are a lot of women around here, both Thai and travelers, and if I 'didn't have a girlfriend' there would be many opportunities for 'adventure'. Especially as compared to Eugene, which is something of a freakin' desert when it comes to age-appropriate females with whom to interact. So there's that too, and that one is definitely about me.
And I've been at this juncture before with M, sure that it's done, only to turn around the next day and want to see her, love her etc. ride the rollercoaster, though at this moment, not so much. But like I say, I've been down this path too many times to take my momentary reluctance very seriously. And yes, I'm fucking bored with this reprise also. (editor's note, when I use the word 'fucking', it's a way to express the frustration I'm feeling, mostly with myself)
And I've been quite stale on the creative front, lost my rhythm, a little of my fitness, thanks to a sore back, and a lot of my mojo. It's as though I'm testing out the oft written fact that when I'm creative, I'm happy, and when I'm not, um not so happy, just maintaining. So I've come back to the internet cafe, which I seem to have been avoiding, and am here to try and dig in again, see what I can find. What I'm finding at the moment is an irregular heart beat, some kind of flutter, maybe that second cappuccino wasn't necessary? Like those people who 'can't handle coffee.... it just wires me up', they say, that hasn't been my experience. I'm more along the lines of '3 billion people can't be wrong'. But I have a little flutter going, or at least I did three sentences ago... looks like I survived it, gracias a dios.
I wrote the word 'twist' as the title of this post, because last night I went back to the guest house, hung out late night with my buddy Harris and he twisted one up and we stood on the veranda and took in the scene, ended up playing some music, which turned into basically a music lesson from me, can't help it sometimes, but before that, just as the reality started to shift, we were talking about song-writing and agreed that there's nothing new under the sun; you have to enter somewhere and hopefully add your own little twist that makes it interesting, original and worth pursuing. That's pretty much how I describe my process, the music is familiar, it makes sense, and hopefully there's some turn of phrase, some unexpected verbal or harmonic twist that adds that little whimsy and makes it artistic.
And where does the twist come from? That's what is the delightful part, it ofen seems to come from somewhere outside, somewhere divine, somewhere deeper than the norm. It's kind of like praying, or my version of it, my mind goes into some kind of altered state, some kind of meditation or channeling, my receptors are as wide open as I can make them, and then I just search inwardly, let images come, let words come, follow them where they lead. I've had the image of twin rolodexes spinning opposite one another, like a Virginia Reel, where every word in one gets introduced to every word in the other one and sometimes there is a little recognition of some kind of funny relationship between the two. I think this is where my humor writing comes from, that process of the rolodexes spinning and generating relationships. I'll think of a word that has humor potential and I spin it to see what latches on. It's how my mind works. Little spinning word processor...
So I was frustrated last night, and when the word 'twist' entered the conversation, that little bell went off that said, 'Wow, now there's an interesting concept to ponder.... twist....' and right away that little section of brain starts turning that word over and over, twisting it, ya might say. I filed that thought away for a possible foray, maybe today, and I can feel my brain want to create.... away foray today (OK?). And now it's today, so I figure I'll just see where twist goes...
First stop is 'the twist' and Chubby Checker and I found myself feeling sorry for him, having to sing that fuckin song for 50 years, but as Harris said, 'it's better than working in the Walmart in Fremont, California, and yeah, there's that. I do remember Rosie's father Everett talking about how he used to lead the social dancing and 'play party' activities at his church in the 50s until 'The twist came along and ruined everything' For him it signalled the beginning of people just doing their own thing and not connecting with a partner or the group.
And a few years later came Twist and Shout, at least the Beatles version of it, which was the coolest thing ever to my ten year old heart and mind. I still love that version, John Lennon's vocal is one of the all time great versions... even if it wrecked his voice for a few weeks (which it did).
But why is the concept of the twist so compelling... not the lame dance, but the idea of stepping off into uncharted territory, getting off the predictable and boring 'consensually agreed upon' reality and finding something in the shadows, something dangerous, something unholy, something twisted... rhymes with tryst. Lot of good rhymes actually, fist missed pissed dissed kissed list gist grist, twist of lemon, twisted sister, twist one up, never the twain shall meet betwixt and between... I'm gonna meditate on this as I go about my day, looking for some kind of twist in my reality, find a change of pace and a change of purpose....
Breadcrumbs...
Can't see my shadow, I'm stuck in the light
All the hidden meanings, for now they're out of sight
Might get a little boring, but maybe that's alright
Can't see my shadow, I'm stuck in the light
Bigger than a breadbox, and just about as stale
Hansel said to Gretel, we'd better leave a trail
The birds, they had another plan, looks like an epic fail
Bigger than a breadbox, and just about as stale
Have you seen the rapture, I think it passed me by
And the wells of inspiration, they seem to have gone dry
That symphony of passion became a lullaby
Have you seen the rapture, I think it passed me by
All the hidden meanings, for now they're out of sight
Might get a little boring, but maybe that's alright
Can't see my shadow, I'm stuck in the light
Bigger than a breadbox, and just about as stale
Hansel said to Gretel, we'd better leave a trail
The birds, they had another plan, looks like an epic fail
Bigger than a breadbox, and just about as stale
Have you seen the rapture, I think it passed me by
And the wells of inspiration, they seem to have gone dry
That symphony of passion became a lullaby
Have you seen the rapture, I think it passed me by
Acupuncture ahead
Yeah, there is something up with my back, and it's time for some treatment, so my friend J walked my by this Chinese medicine clinic and I set up an appointment for tomorrow. Seems like quite a happening place, plenty of clientele, a professional approach and I'm looking forward to tomorrow morning at 10 when I have my intake and evaluation, followed by a treatment at 10:30. Cost for the evaluation is $7 and then another $17 for the actual needlework. Wowie, big spender, but I think it will be a learning experience if nothing else. And some relief would be good, I'm feeling fairly low energy due to the drain of discomfort and ache. No sympathy needed, of course.
But it is interesting to note, as I did today, the aches and pains of the aging Farang population; it seems like everyone has something, bad back, headaches, locked up shoulder, neck problems. I was goofing because we can start to sound like the old timers down in Boca, talking about their most recent operation (and the one to come). Me, I've been remarkably pain free over the years, and that can keep a guy youthful... that and dancing, which I haven't really been doing here. I made it to tango a bunch of times, but for some reason, it brings up a part of me that is self critical and wanting to exit. Just too much to know and too easy to feel intimidated when I see great dancers. 'Why would that woman want to dance with me after dancing with him?'. Tonight is tango night, and I've found a reason or two to miss it, which will likely signal the end of this particular chapter of the dance. Or not...
M is all loving these days, it's nice. She is wanting to lose some weight now as her clothes aren't fitting the way she wants them to. She's been chunking out a bit, so it will be interesting to see how she goes about dealing with that. Um, might I suggest that 5 beers a night is not great for the waist line? OK never mind. yeah, her diet isn't great, and after her shift, she is starving, and a little buzzed, which I think affects what she buys to eat. Dow goofs on her for the immense plastic bag that she fills with food after work. But today she ate fruit in the afternoon, and for the first time she says that she wants to lose some weight. Vamos a ver. I'm still attracted to her, but I'm curious as to how she will deal with her food intake.... just one of the many questions, eh?
Taught a great lesson today with a very capable beginner student, a fifty something Swiss woman who is way into learning, and talented. So she got 'House of the Rising Sun' and Dream, both of which she knows in French, so she's a happy camper, and motivated. Makes me feel like a good teacher, as opposed to some of the students who have a lot of trouble with the simplest things. So where I might want to say, 'Uh, perhaps knitting would be more up your alley', I persevere and try to find something they can succeed at, try to find some way to get their hands to do what needs doing. (and the $10 comes in handy, sabes?) Three gigs this week, as Jeff went for the idea of me and my guys filling in the Saturday slot as well as Tuesday and Friday. There is a German guy, Joe, who will eventually take that slot when his buddy shows up in town, but for the next couple of weeks, we'll be three evenings a week. Nice. And I broke in the song, 'Bang on the Drum All Day', which came off really well, got the whole place shaking shakers and banging out the rhythm.
February 1st today, my last full month in Asia during this go-round. (and it's a short one). I have felt the first stirrings of 'oh no, I don't want to leave' which seems to be a common occurrence for my peers, and for me, all the more so because I did this last year, and not too well, feeling that I never really arrived back in Oregon, missed my girlfriend, missed the sun and the friends and the food and the life here. I'll be looking for a different strategy this time round, but I'm definitely worried about the re-entry. But not today.
But it is interesting to note, as I did today, the aches and pains of the aging Farang population; it seems like everyone has something, bad back, headaches, locked up shoulder, neck problems. I was goofing because we can start to sound like the old timers down in Boca, talking about their most recent operation (and the one to come). Me, I've been remarkably pain free over the years, and that can keep a guy youthful... that and dancing, which I haven't really been doing here. I made it to tango a bunch of times, but for some reason, it brings up a part of me that is self critical and wanting to exit. Just too much to know and too easy to feel intimidated when I see great dancers. 'Why would that woman want to dance with me after dancing with him?'. Tonight is tango night, and I've found a reason or two to miss it, which will likely signal the end of this particular chapter of the dance. Or not...
M is all loving these days, it's nice. She is wanting to lose some weight now as her clothes aren't fitting the way she wants them to. She's been chunking out a bit, so it will be interesting to see how she goes about dealing with that. Um, might I suggest that 5 beers a night is not great for the waist line? OK never mind. yeah, her diet isn't great, and after her shift, she is starving, and a little buzzed, which I think affects what she buys to eat. Dow goofs on her for the immense plastic bag that she fills with food after work. But today she ate fruit in the afternoon, and for the first time she says that she wants to lose some weight. Vamos a ver. I'm still attracted to her, but I'm curious as to how she will deal with her food intake.... just one of the many questions, eh?
Taught a great lesson today with a very capable beginner student, a fifty something Swiss woman who is way into learning, and talented. So she got 'House of the Rising Sun' and Dream, both of which she knows in French, so she's a happy camper, and motivated. Makes me feel like a good teacher, as opposed to some of the students who have a lot of trouble with the simplest things. So where I might want to say, 'Uh, perhaps knitting would be more up your alley', I persevere and try to find something they can succeed at, try to find some way to get their hands to do what needs doing. (and the $10 comes in handy, sabes?) Three gigs this week, as Jeff went for the idea of me and my guys filling in the Saturday slot as well as Tuesday and Friday. There is a German guy, Joe, who will eventually take that slot when his buddy shows up in town, but for the next couple of weeks, we'll be three evenings a week. Nice. And I broke in the song, 'Bang on the Drum All Day', which came off really well, got the whole place shaking shakers and banging out the rhythm.
February 1st today, my last full month in Asia during this go-round. (and it's a short one). I have felt the first stirrings of 'oh no, I don't want to leave' which seems to be a common occurrence for my peers, and for me, all the more so because I did this last year, and not too well, feeling that I never really arrived back in Oregon, missed my girlfriend, missed the sun and the friends and the food and the life here. I'll be looking for a different strategy this time round, but I'm definitely worried about the re-entry. But not today.
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