Been slipping lately, tuning into basketball, internet, television etc etc, all against my better judgment, with the result that my output is down. But what the hell, I finally managed to shut off the noise and here I am again, just me and the keyboard, the tabula rasa, the blank slate. OK it took most of the day to get here, but why recriminate? Who does that help exactly?
I've been talking on a nearly daily basis to M in Thailand. She has been calling me after her shift at work, when it's 4 in the morning over there and she can't sleep. She misses me a lot, and the feeling is mutual. For awhile there, as I posted, I was bummed at the fact that she was drinking, but I'm coming around to a different way of thinking about it. It would be so easy to just write her off as someone with an alcohol problem, (which I don't know is the case, actually). I think the 'writing off' would say more about me than about her, so I plan to withhold judgment on that particular subject (if possible... good luck with that, Rich) and just appreciate the fact of someone who loves me a lot, is crying because we're apart, and seems willing to wait for me to return and resume our love connection.
It seems like a classic 'head versus heart' dynamic, and I usually go with the head, but this time, I'd rather just hang out in the mystery for awhile, let it develop the way that it will and see where things are a month from now, a season from now, a year from now. I had nearly forgotten the theme of my sojourn in Asia, namely the idea of taking it in one moment at a time, and seeing what's what. Let it come and let it go. Seems so pure and simple and foreign here, in this media obsessed rat race of America. And when the phone rings and I see the Thailand number on the screen, my heart lifts. I really did love the time that we spent together. Am I naive? Absolutely! Do I care? Not too much.
M keeps talking about the differences between men and women and has indicated to me that it's OK for me to 'do homework' (code for 'have sex') while I'm away from her. This is a development that I haven't really experienced before, as it's never been OK with a partner in the past. And she's not saying it to garner a green light for her own 'homework assignments', but more as an acknowledgment of how men are different than women. I don't know what to make of this 'freedom', but it's very intriguing and it makes me that much more interested in her. It's a first, so it challenges something new in my brain. If we were together in Thailand, no it wouldn't be cool for me to take another lover, but with the distance, she has no problem with it. I tell her that she's free as well, but I'm guessing that if and when she acts on that freedom, I'll be less accepting than her. We shall see, as the odds seem quite high that one or both of us will test out the freedom.
Long story short, my predominant emotion at the moment is gratitude for being connected with her, even from around the world, even with the uncertainty, even with the problems. She's a special woman and I love her.
Uptight, not satisfied
I find myself in a low level pissed off state lately, easily miffed, still unspliffed. But no panacea there, it's still me, and I'm not really digging who me is. It's like I have a gray filter on the world that's not quite letting the light in, not a lot of pleasure, going through the motions, like there's a lock on the jubilation switch. And I've got expectations that there is something more, right around the corner.
(aside) As I'm writing the preceding, my mind is in hip hop mode, wanting to jam with the syllables, turn it into poetry, slam on the gas, find a little rhythm, make it into music. So perhaps this is the state to let that beast out a bit. Because I'm pissed off and wanting to hit it, get with it, express it and not stress it. And who cares anyway, I'm just one character going through the rolodex, looking for connection, section by section, word to word and if it don't get heard, doesn't make any difference, not even a pittance.
I've been waiting by the email, hoping for a visitor, is it her?, something external but nobody's knocking, nobody's talking, I need some attention, at least some invention, even dissension to shake up the tension.
Mind is racing but not getting anywhere, same old pattern, don't really matter, cause I'm gonna fight through it, always pursue it, even when it's hopeless, even when I'm jokeless, tokeless, I got to focus, still gonna dig in, pan for the shiny stuff, when is enough enough, house is a wreck, would sure fail inspection, yes sir no sir, I don't want to go, sir, stick at the keyboard, stick in the 'me' sword, cut to the center, open up and enter, see what's shaking, and what I've been forsaking.
Still no takers, no one on tele, no one on the email, no one on the celly, Maybe it's better that I never get a letter, I'm a lousy correspondent, so why be despondent, I made this bed so now I get to lie in it, sigh in it, die in it, maybe say bye bye in it. Don't get me wrong I'm not looking for the hatch, I'm not mixing up a batch, and I'm sure not ready yet, I'm not that kind of idiot, at least not at this time, just looking for the bliss time, the brother's still in his prime.
(aside) As I'm writing the preceding, my mind is in hip hop mode, wanting to jam with the syllables, turn it into poetry, slam on the gas, find a little rhythm, make it into music. So perhaps this is the state to let that beast out a bit. Because I'm pissed off and wanting to hit it, get with it, express it and not stress it. And who cares anyway, I'm just one character going through the rolodex, looking for connection, section by section, word to word and if it don't get heard, doesn't make any difference, not even a pittance.
I've been waiting by the email, hoping for a visitor, is it her?, something external but nobody's knocking, nobody's talking, I need some attention, at least some invention, even dissension to shake up the tension.
Mind is racing but not getting anywhere, same old pattern, don't really matter, cause I'm gonna fight through it, always pursue it, even when it's hopeless, even when I'm jokeless, tokeless, I got to focus, still gonna dig in, pan for the shiny stuff, when is enough enough, house is a wreck, would sure fail inspection, yes sir no sir, I don't want to go, sir, stick at the keyboard, stick in the 'me' sword, cut to the center, open up and enter, see what's shaking, and what I've been forsaking.
Still no takers, no one on tele, no one on the email, no one on the celly, Maybe it's better that I never get a letter, I'm a lousy correspondent, so why be despondent, I made this bed so now I get to lie in it, sigh in it, die in it, maybe say bye bye in it. Don't get me wrong I'm not looking for the hatch, I'm not mixing up a batch, and I'm sure not ready yet, I'm not that kind of idiot, at least not at this time, just looking for the bliss time, the brother's still in his prime.
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