Actually it's not quite a tango, more like a fake tango, begun last night at 4 in the morning, alone in my room, M out with her friends after work, which she told me she wouldn't do, kind of lied straight to my face, or as she put it, she 'changed her mind' about coming over right after her shift. (She did come over eventually, pretty hammered ('tired' is what she calls it). I guess I had a feeling, because she had that look when I saw her at the bar, and I actually went back there after leaving to say that it's not OK with me for her to go out drinking after the shift, and she assured me that she wouldn't. So I woke up at 4 in the morning, no M, and my mind starts imagining what's up. Grabbed the guitar, started writing a tango, er fake tango. It's got a Tom Waits feel to it.
It's the way you hold the bottle
Like it's your only trusted friend
I see the way you're drinking tonight
Here we go again
You tell me not to worry
Say what you think I want to hear
It sounds like you were talking
Or maybe it's the beer
Four o:clock in the morning
I see you haven't made it home
I wake up and I wonder
Why am I so alone
And in my heart of hearts I keep hoping
That we can find a way to the other side
But when too many parts are broken
And too many lies are spoken
It's the end of the ride
I didn't want to leave you
Lord knows I tried to stay
Now the fog is slowly lifting
I'll be up and on my way
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And yeah, I've been here before, only to turn around and keep at it, examine my own beliefs and actions, see what I could learn. It's been valuable. This time? maybe not. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on me, or as George Bush once famously said,' Fool me once, uh, shame on you, fool me twice, uh um, we won't get fooled again' Yeah, that really happened....
The first time she lied to me, she said, I made her do it, and in a way, she was right. I was micro managing her intake and it was a losing proposition. 'Never get between an alcoholic and the alcohol'. I suppose you could make the same argument in this case, but I can only punish myself so much. We had talked about it, she knows exactly where I'm coming from, she got into that alcohol zone and all bets are off. She said one thing, she did another thing (again), and I'm not gonna take it, sorry. If I can't trust her, then what the fuck, there's no sense continuing.
I kind of hung out today, worked on the song, took a swim, waited for her to wake up around 1:30pm, then put her stuff in a bag and said, I think it's time to go. Interestingly this is a reprise of what happened to her as a teenager, being thrown out of her house on a couple of occasions, so I'm sure it put her in a difficult emotional state.... that plus the hangover. and I'm not all holier than thou about it, I have a lot of care and concern for her, I didn't raise my voice or express anger. I resisted the urge to give her back the Buddha which she had given me. That would have been some cheap and tawdry drama (though I was tempted, I'm glad I resisted the urge). I don't want to hurt her in any way. Because it's not really her that is acting that way. It's the alcohol and the denial. I get it.
Yeah I've got some tears ahead because there is such a deep feeling of love that we have for one another. Just the other day, Sunday we had a blissful time together, taking care of one another, my mind looking toward the future, including what would it take for me to help support her financially while I'm gone. We had a couple of conversations about it and I was definitely planning on sharing some of what I have to invest in this relationship. (You really can't understand it in the west, so I won't bother to try and explain, but I was willing to share). And our happiness continued into Monday, sleeping late, loving each other, then she goes to work and the story shifts into the other thing. It's almost cause and effect, seemingly. The last time I was going to contribute (in a smaller way on Chinese New Year), is the last time she went off on the alcohol and short circuited the plan). Kind of weird... (hey, maybe she's trying to save me money, because it looks like it's turning out that way)
So I went and got a haircut, some reading material and I feel like I'm ready to blow out of Chiang Mai, maybe on Thursday. (got a gig tonight and lessons tomorrow, which I wouldn't feel right about cancelling) I could see a little trip up to the Hippie town of Pai, near the Burma border, a place I went last year and rented a scooter and tooled around for a few days. It sounds good to get out into the mountains. And early next week is the Shambhala festival, a Japanese organized 'Rainbow Family' type event that goes for a week in a beautiful area an hour and a half out of Chiang Mai. I guess a tentative plan is to get comfortable on a scooter for a few days, then come back here and rent one for the ride up to the gathering. I'm a bit reluctant to start riding around here, as the traffic is kind of insane and you see a lot of people with road rash AKA 'a Thailand tattoo'
Feeling pretty philosophical about things at the moment, I can look at myself in the mirror and feel OK about what I see. (metaphorically, you understand?) I'm satisfied with my behavior, my intentions and my communication, and beyond that, hey, whaddya gonna do? (new york accent)
