Early to the internet cafe this morning, a sunny Monday morning in Chiang Mai, lousy Thai music on the stereo, better sounds percolating in my brain, though of course, I can't quite hear them at the moment... but hey, they're there. (not bad, in the first sentence I dropped a 'Sunny Monday' and a 'They're There') Gonna be a good day? (he wondered hopefully)
That's right, reader, er readers, I took a day off from the blog yesterday, first day off in quite some time, I'm thinking, but it wasn't for lack of material. Just seemed like the right thing to do, having spent New Year's Eve playing music late into the night, and engaging in other ancillary adventures before and after. It made for a Sunday of rest and recuperation, which is what I did.
I've been avoiding the 'M' saga in the blog, because it was impossible to track. One day, one feeling, next day, opposite feeling, always so sure of the truth, then watch it flip 180 degrees in no time at all. And then back again, and again and again. Something's going on here, I thought to myself. Some crazy lesson, what could it be?
And I don't really have a grip on it yet, (as if one could 'grip' the truth, haha), but I did have some kind of revelation this morning that was a new one, at least in the context of this relationship. I've got some emotion about it, tears are close to the surface, and not just today. They've been part of this process, and I believe that's a good thing. Makes for a deeper truth.
M is now 40; she works her ass off, she's unbelievable at her job, she's got some physical pain, her shoulder is strained, she's small and wiry, and working like a longshoreman, long hours, lots of hustle, it's exhausting. She says that she's 'hyperactive', that when she's working she's happy, but when she has too much time to think, she can get depressed. Real depressed. I watch her hustling back to the kitchen, trying to get through the crowd of drinkers who often block her path (the place is smaill), she opens the beer, pours the rum and coke, keeps the tabs, collects the money, hustles back for the next order, through the crowd, three people want something, back and forth, hour after hour, night after night. Guys buy her a drink, she opens it at their table, clinks a toast, takes a swig, smiles, a hug maybe, then back to the hustle. Grabs a cigarette when she can, dishes to wash, more orders, making her way through the crowd, she is a force of nature.
And she's in some pain. Frequently I'll see her wince, put her hands on her knees, make a face (nobody seems to see it but me), then she's back at it, hot footing it to the kitchen, grabbing the next order, over and over and over, night after night. Are you getting the picture? It's as though if she stopped, she would feel the pain, think too much, get depressed. I'm starting to see the winces as little microcosms of her state. There is pain, a lifetime of struggle, and she soldiers on and on.
And now at 40, she's seeing that she needs someone to 'take care of me and I take care of him'. She needs one of these westerners to pay her rent or buy her a condo, or move in together in a house so she can get off the rat race, and give herself some security. That conversation has come up twice in the past 8 days, both times in terms a guy who is interested in her and who maybe will be that person to make her life easier. It's not the easiest thing for me to hear about, of course, I take it as a threat and a breach of my security. It brings up feelings of fear and jealousy, but there ya go, it's real and it's what's happening.
This one guy, her ex, came back to town after some months in the Philippines, showed up to find me here and connected to M (he knew about me, and I knew about him). He got jealous when he found that we were spending most nights together, and I think that is what made him 'want to take care of her' (he was the Christmas threat). He's a little older than me, rich, could definitely provide for her, but he's got his own entanglements with a Thai ex, and M doesn't want anything to do with that drama. This ex of the ex showed up in the bar, said something to M's boss, it's one of the things that happens here, lots of jealousies between the Thai ladies vis a vis the farang quarry, and M hates that stuff, avoids it whenever possible, doesn't gossip, hates that aspect of things.
Then on New Year's Eve, here's a good looking German guy out with his friends, buys her a drink, they knew each other a bit from a few months ago when he came by the bar. I could see he was very interested and she was kinda interested too. They made a tentative date for dinner Sunday (yesterday), even though she and I were spending the day together. If he called, she'd go off to dinner with him, just to check out the scene, get to know him some. (cue the increased heart rate for our intrepid hero). We were having a wonderful day together, but there is always the shadow hanging over it, eh? And I hope this description doesn't paint a picture of M as some kind of conniving Thai female who is playing the farang for the quick score. They do that here, accompanied with lies and more lies. She's very up-front with me about it, that's her hallmark, and I'm totally appreciative of the honesty (not that I couldn't do with a little window of ignorance and peace for a couple of days, but I digress.
So yeah, there isn't even a two day period when I can disappear into the fantasy of having a person who I love and who loves me. Things happen quicker than that, and it got absurd to the point of being funny, not funny haha, but funny nonetheless. (in a kind of unfunny way). Yeah, it became part of the shtick. And in a surprising twist, she got jealous of me when she thought I was staring at this woman who was in the bar. Turned out to be C, the tango dancer from a few weeks ago, who shows up from time to time with a friend of hers. I spoke to her for a minute, made eye contact from the stage a few times, and M got into jealous mode. Surprising, and kinda strange, given what she puts me through on a regular basis. And there's nothing between C and me, though there could have been at one time, so I don't get too bent out of shape about M being jealous. I figure maybe it's just a delayed perception to something that coulda happened a few weeks ago... Karma, for lack of a better word.
Anyhow, all of this is mere background to this morning's revelation, which was more or less as follows: M is talking about someone who can take care of her. And the fact of the matter is that I need someone to take care of me too. Let's do the equation... P (provider) multiplied by C (care needed) equals PC (perfect couple) (as if, but I digress)
C times C equals CC (cash crunch?) (can't commit?) (connection crisis?) I'm sure I could go on, but I think you get the point.
So yeah, this scenario dovetails nicely with my long time arc, a 'lifetime non-achievement award', if you will. And I'm not putting myself down here, or suffering with regret. It is what it is, and I made my choices and I live with my choices, and I even pretty much trust my choices. And who's to say that if I was a rich guy with a fat portfolio, that it would be good to take care of her and live happily ever after. Life doesn't work that way, does it? This is the story, these are the characters, here is the back-story, 321, action!
The people who know me well understand that I've spent quite a bit of time struggling with the success/failure motif over the decades. You know how it goes, guys are supposed to make a lot of money, use power tools, have a bunch of stuff, build a house and be a good ... (wait for it) ... 'provider'. It's so strong in our culture, maybe other cultures as well, not really sure. And I have consciously and unconsciously avoided, rejected, spurned and tried to eradicate that role for myself. (and suffered much anguish along the journey). But I've always tried to be true, true to myself, true to life, true to my beliefs, true to the people I meet. And I have to give myself some credit for that. I don't provide money and stability. I do provide artistry, kindness, compassion, magic, humor, a spark, wisdom (I want to slip 'great sex' into the list, but it's slightly out of context, so I won't allude to it, except parenthetically), uh where was I, I provide the willingness to engage, to tell the truth, to connect, to celebrate this life journey. And I don't feel regrets at the moment. The truth is the truth, and I believe that I'm in service to it. Well maybe some regrets, like in the song My Way... (Paul Anka) (played at every New York Mafiosi funeral for the past 30 years)
"Regrets, I've had a few, but then again, too few to mention" (I think it's a great sentiment, great line)
And I thank my teacher M whose extraordinary honesty has given me a chance to uncover parts of my soul, tears, laughter and all.
