Well it's been a few days since I'm back in Eugene, and I guess the transition is going OK, though I'm far from ecstatic to be here. The weather's cold, I'm less than motivated, I miss my girlfriend, and if I wanted to, I could work up a nice little bummer of a depression. But I don't want to. I'd rather sit down and try some writing therapy and attempt to unearth today's truth. (either that or get drunk, which is funny, cause I rarely drink, though I opened a bottle of red wine and am developing a taste for it right about now. just took a multi-vitamin and washed it down with the pinot)
M just called me from the bar, which she's been doing a lot of. She misses me too, obviously, though I'm sure that this near daily communication will shift into something else. I don't want to lead her on in the belief that I'll be hanging out for 8 months waiting until our reconnection; I don't know how I could ever pull that off, what with me checking out every woman who comes into my vision field. Seems like the odds would more favor me meeting someone and doing the dance. But I definitely do not have all the answers about these type of things, and I think she's more on top of it than I am. M's go-to phrase is that 'nothing is perfect', and that's a pretty accurate assessment as far as I can tell. To think otherwise is to court disappointment.
My house is not quite feeling like home yet, as I'm sharing it with Megan, who is a young disabled woman here for the month on an internship at Mobility International. She moved a lot of things around, left some rotting food in the refrigerator, has made the place her own, as she was here for my two month hiatus, but I'm back now, and I want to feel like it's my place again. Time for a little conversation. Also time for me to do some clean up and get the place the way I need it in order to feel comfortable. That's front burner stuff. I need to feel grounded in the space.
That's the difference between being on the road and being at home. Here I feel all these external 'must-do' chores that are hanging over my head. Got to update the website, got to send off CD's to CD Baby, got to get the house cleaned up, got to line up gigs, got to record, got to up the level of my technology, got to create this cabaret scene which is in my head, got to got to got to... And when I don't do those things, or don't make progress, there is a level of self-hating stress that is nipping at my skin. Don't like it.
Well maybe it's time to start with the physical space, make a sweep through the house and find a way to feel good here. OK, can do, that's a plan, make sure you spend at least an hour at it.
