Hmm, not quite feeling it this morning yet, the coffee sucks (why did I not realize that they've been serving me nescafe from the place next door, yecch, the milk and sugar can't really hide the awful truth). And then the woman who is on duty at the internet place has the crappy music on too loud and it's bugging me through the headphones, didn't sleep enough last night, let's see, what else can I whine about before I get down to business? Oh hell, that's enough, now where were we?
I had one of those profound moments last evening, in which I got emotionally triggered, then decided to see if I could use that trigger as a starting point for creativity, rather than eating my way out of it, or whatever other coping mechanism. It started at the CU Corner (the local music hangout where M works). She had asked me to do her a favor and go by the pharmacy to pick up some antiseptic and a bandage because she had fallen and scraped herself a couple of days ago, and the scrape on her knee was causing her some pain. (I didn't ask how she had fallen, but I'm guessing it was one of those late night stumbles, if you know what I mean).
So of course I'll help out, and I also swung by my place to pick up some anti-biotic ointment which I always travel with. Got back to the bar and hooked her up with the goods, then talked for awhile with Jeff and Dau (owners) who like me a lot. Good vibes in that place. M is doing her thing, greeting customers, serving drinks and Dau, who is a very positive person is telling me that my friend has been drinking too much, smoking too much (duh!) and she doesn't seem to be able to stop. Dau's tone was different than last year when she was very positive about M, and very into my connection with her. 'Richard, when you coming back? You should live here'. This year it's a more unhappy energy coming from the boss, as if she's been disappointed one too many times and has kinda given up hope for a turnaround. Now a guy walks in who I had seen the other day flirting with M and he sits down alone. Dau whispers to me, 'I don't like that guy, drinks too much, talks too much, something wrong with him'. This is unusual for her to be negative like that, so I paid a little attention. In fact, I had a negative vibe the other day when I saw him, got the feeling he was trying to make his move on M, and even though I've got no claim on anyone (God knows) I still don't like to see it.
After about 10 minutes, M is caught up with her work and grabs her first beer of the evening and goes to join him at the table, offering her beer for a clink toast as she sits down to make conversation. It was 7:15, the beginning of a long night of work and that's how she does it. Dau looks over at me with the raised eyebrow as if to say, 'see what I mean' and I had an extremely negative feeling about it as well, as it sums up in a nutshell the flaw in M's thinking about what her job is in that place. She would say, and did say, 'I have to take care of my customers', and I said, 'No you don't' (I would have added, 'you have to take care of yourself' but I wasn't quick enough, and besides, it wouldn't have gotten through her shell). So it's 7:15 and here's a guy who thinks maybe he has a chance, and here's a waitress with an alcohol problem drinking that first beer out of some misguided idea that it's her job to make her customers comfortable. I had a real sharp jolt of, 'time to get the fuck out of here' and that's what I did, back to my Guest House feeling quite negative.
What to do, what to do? And I had the thought, what if I could turn this feeling into words, into music? Grabbed the guitar and started playing an E minor blues thing a la Robert Cray, a la 'Heard it Thru the Grapevine'. And before too long I had the beginning of the next tune. And more than just a tune, it's a way to process the feelings, honor them, give them voice, say something real, and here's the alchemy part. After a half hour of wrestling with words and chords and feelings, my unhappiness was transformed into something else, knowledge? perspective? wisdom? art? It's a beautiful thing to have a way of dealing with negativity and let it evolve into some kind of truth.
Here's a first draft of what I wrote: (minor blues with a nice little change in the middle.... so it's not SO typical)
Everybody's wrong but you
No one can tell you about anything you do
You think you're so strong and under control
But you've been drinking too long and the bucket has a hole
The ones who love you have done all they can
Oh man, you're losing track
Them wasted days are never coming back
It's true...... and everybody's wrong but you
Everybody's wrong but you
No one's to blame but you know who
You can grab another beer and try to forget
Wash it down with another cigarette
If they could only understand...
Oh man, you're losing ground
You fell off of a merry-go-round
Or two.... and everybody's wrong but you
Needs a third verse which I'll write today. But I've got the ending, which goes:
Man, you've lost your style
No need to try when a simple denial
Will do.... and everybody's wrong but you, Everybody's wrong but you...
It's almost like an anthem for Al Anon, trying to come to grips with the fact that hey, there's nothing for any of us to do when the drinker is stuck in that place. I'm thinking of having the song be about a guy, and of introducing it along the lines of 'I'll bet we all have a friend who is stuck in the bottle, huh?' (of course many of the people in the bar will probably be those 'friends' but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it). And yeah, I have the idea to share that song as part of my set, even though it's maybe the opposite of what a bar song should be. But fuck it, I'm into the truth and it's a good groove, very different from what I normally put out, so hey, consider it a 'change of pace'.
More importantly, I was fortunate enough to do that kind of music therapy on myself and transform the feeling into something that wasn't going to set me in a lousy direction. My mind is quite clear, no drugs, no alcohol, and here's the funny thing. I would always tease my 'gluten free' friends in Eugene who seem obsessed with that concept. I would often say something like, 'I'll have a chocolate chip cookie, extra gluten please'. But here in SE Asia, I eat no bread, no pasta, no wheat to speak of, so far as I know, and son of a gun, I'm breathing perfectly, I'm not needing my asthma inhaler except very occassionally, and this in a polluted city with a bunch of traffic and not the best air quality. Perhaps the joke is on me? I'm gonna try the no gluten approach back in Oregon and see if makes things better back there. It would be amazing if something as simple as that could ameliorate a lifetime of breathing troubles. Vamos a ver...
I asked Jeff if he's got a spot for me to play and make a little cash, and he offered me next Tuesday for a 75 minute set. And I approached this retired NYC math teacher named Dave to see if he'd like me to teach him a bit about music. He's playing some chords and singing, but gets lost when he tries to follow someone else. He's into it, we have a date on Sunday and that's another little gig for me. I want to see about earning a little scratch while I'm here, so this is a step in that direction, even if it's 200 baht ($7) at a time. Just a start.
