Well here is a post that I'm not looking forward to embarking on. I'm pretty stressed just sitting here, feeling the resistance to giving words to what I'm experiencing. I'm feeling pissed off, judgmental, frustrated, self-critical here at the gate. I want to use the word 'fuck' in a lot of my sentences, always a sure sign that something is fucking not right.
It's the alcohol and tobacco piece, not to mention the late nights, not to mention the mini skirt outfit that made her look like one of 'those' girls as I walked her home this morning after a less than stellar night together. It's a clash to be sure, and as much as I'm pissed off at M for smoking and drinking, I'm equally curious as to my reactions and judgments, which is really what it's about. But I'm feeling them big time, so why not try and process a bit and see where it leads.
In general, if I see a good looking woman, and then she reaches for a cigarette, I have an instant aversion, and an immediate sense that 'that's not for me'. It's such a fucking gross habit, who wants to kiss an ashtray, let alone the stupidity of subjecting one's lungs to that kind of abuse. Yeah I know that it's an addiction and hard to quit, but people who want to quit can do it, but you have to want to.
When she and I hang out on her day off, she'll have a couple or three cigarettes and nothing to drink, and she's lovely, and a delight to be with. But then put her into the bar setting where people are buying her drinks, or even if they're not, she tends to drink over the course of the night 4 large beers, sipped over ice, not enough to get hammered, but it loosens her up, helps her smile and entertain the customers, who all adore her. And she'll usually have a sweet wine cooler type thing or two at the end of the night. And of course, once you're into the alcohol, it's that much easier to smoke and smoke, which she does while working. Probably just under a pack over the course of a shift (not that I'm counting, of course)
and every time I see her light up, or pour herself the next drink I have a negative reaction to it, as if I have some kind of proprietary ownership there, and her actions are not in line with my desires. I do try to understand and separate myself from that judgment, but without much success. It rankles every time to see the woman who I really care for drink and smoke all through her shift. This aside from her fending off advances from guys, being groped (appropriately usually), come on to, invited home etc.
It's a fine line that she has to walk as a server, she needs to be very friendly, she makes physical contact, a hand on the shoulder, a hug for the regulars, an inviting smile for the newcomers, it's business and there are a ton of bars in this town and you have to make people want to come to your place. So that kind of comes with the teritory, and she's great at it. But of course there is the inevitable staring at her and lusting after her on the part of some people, and that's not something I want to see either. Yecchh...
Last night it came to a head for me, as she asked me for 100 baht ($3.25 at the beginning of her shift cause she only had 10 baht in her pocket. I wasn't sure what it was for, maybe food later, but then when I saw her drinking and smoking, I just got fucking pissed offfff, 'no, I'm not going to fund your addictions, I don't support that at all!' is what I was thinking to myself as I got progressively more angry. And it brought up heavy duty judgment on my part that goes like this.
She owes some money to a couple of her friends, largely a result of an appendectomy she had a year ago which put her out of action for a couple of months. She needed to borrow some money to stay afloat, and she's been paying it back a little per month to where it's now down to like $100 total. (which is more than it would be in the states, trust me). Meanwhile, she is spending probably $30-40 per week on alcohol and smokes, she uses her tip money for food and vices, and that just pisses me off on some kind of New York Jew 'fiscal responsibility' level. Look you owe this money out there, it makes for an imbalance, you need to pay it off, but instead you use it on crap that hurts you, that pisses me off and that doesn't solve the imbalance. So if you're not an alcoholic, as you claim, then why are you treading water, not clearing your debts but instead needing to cadge a hundred baht from your boyfriend because you have no money. Oh yes friends, 'heavy judgment' on my part.
And as I write it, I'm still feeling the righteous indignation (which I don't enjoy, by the way), but I guess I need to feel it in order to describe the scenario. It's one of those places in my brain that are pretty strongly wired, and if I were a good little Buddhist, I'd find a way to feel it.... and then move the fuck on. The Dalai Lama might describe it slightly differently, but that's what I need to do. See my reaction, feel it, then breathe and let it go. As I do that this minute, it starts dissolving into a few tears and a shudder, which means, ah yes, this is the correct way to go. maybe another breath would be in order.... more tears and release, ah this is good. (but I won't start crying, as the Thai woman at the computer to my left might get alarmed) Ok maybe one more breath now.... and I can finally start to see M and understand what she has been trying to tell me vis a vis smoking and drinking.
From the time she was little, she had no freedom within her family. She had to wake up at 3 in the morning to work with the family, preparing food to sell in the market. As she got older and she wanted to go to school (which her parents wouldn't pay for), she would wake up at 3, work for the family until 7:30, then go to her money job, and then in the evening go to her classes. It was a fucking 20 hour day often, so of course she was exhausted, but this is how she drove herself. 'It make me very strong'.
She invokes that lack of freedom as the explanation for why she drinks and smokes if she wants to drink and smoke. She never had the freedom to do what she wanted growing up, and now that she's an adult, she does what she wants. She also talks about being lonely, both her parents are gone and she feels like she has no real family, except for one of her sisters (who she worries about). She says that alcohol and a cigarette are like her friends, they help her relax and not feel so alone. They help her feel comfortable in the bar, able to interact more easily with her customers.
Ok, I'm kinda over myself, and I can see things from a more balanced perspective. I don't like the part of myself that gets self-righteous, but it's hard not to, when I have such an instantaneous reaction to seeing my lover hit the smokes and the bottles. So I guess the best solution for this last week in Thailand is to limit my exposure to the bar scene, let her have that space free from my judgmental eye. I did promise to help a friend with a Tuesday night set, and of course I'll honor that, but it's time to steer clear of that environment. (especially toward the end of the night when the real drunks are closing the place down and it's kind of a sad scenario, at least to this judgmental new yorker. (Yeah, even though I've been in Eugene close to 30 years, I feel like an east coaster in my reactions) What up with that?
Meanwhile I got some great news from Oregon, in that I was selected as one of the top 5 favorite library performers around the state, which just opened up an unexpected windfall of 15 summer gigs as there is a big organization which is underwriting a bunch of shows for smaller libraries, and I was invited to be one of the presenters. It comes at a good time, and I'm especially pleased because I kind of blew my most recent 5 minute showcase in Salem, so I was afraid that my summer might be kind of slow. Nice to get the recognition from my work over the years and a bunch of unexpected gigs to fill into the summer schedule. (gratitude about that)
Glad I sat down to try and deal with my judgment issues, and once again, it comes back to that notion of feeling it, and then separating from it, rather than being ruled by it. A little self healing... (and yeah, I still want her to not smoke and drink, but it's not tearing me up like it was an hour ago)
Out...
