'Telenovela' is how my Spanish speaking friend Jeya describes this blog. That's the Mexican version of the soap opera, which millions of people tune in to watch on a weekly basis, to see whether the handsome doctor has recovered from his amnesia, or the secret love child has been discovered or the father has slept with his son's girlfriend. Well hey, if the zapato fits... (see what I did there? :-)
Before I update the novela, I just triggered a memory from a long time ago, when I was a twenty year old, tall dark and handsome gringo tripping around Mexico for the first time. I was in major 'adventure mode', hiking over mountains with local indians, getting to places where they hardly spoke Spanish, let alone English, spending every night in my hammock, never paid a dime for lodging in two months. I remember going into this pueblo and talking to some locals for a few minutes. This fifteen year old girl starts talking to me; she was holding a comic book version of the telenovela, a little teenage harlequin romance comic, poplular in those days. In all seriousness, she asked to go with me on my travels. She was in some fantasy land of 'here comes the tall stranger into town to rescue me from my boring life, and we'll go off together for true love... or God knows what... I remember being struck with the sincerity and seriousness of her desire to run of with me. (Trust me, dear, you're better off here.... have a tortilla)
Had a great day yesterday, though not without drama. M and I got a great night's sleep (a rarity) and went off for a big breakfast of two entrees each, two coffees each and a $10 tab for me, the big spender. It's a place that she turned me onto a few weeks ago, incredible food, fun atmosphere, and like most of the places in the central zone, very dependent on the Farang for it's economic health. But is that a bad thing? I don't think so. It's a balancing act to be sure, but it seems to work here in that Chiang Mai is a great and safe and comfortable place for us to be, and in turn we provide a lot of the engine for their economy. It's working, I believe.
We separated after the meal, she to get ready for work, me to write and read, swim and work on music, and gracias a Dios, I've got the next tune coming down the turnpike. It's called 'American Song' and I'll likely finish it today and then put up some lyrics. It has to do with a progression that goes D7 G7 C7 F which among other things is the basis for 'Sweet Georgia Brown', 'Up a Lazy River' 'Shine on Harvest Moon' 'Rocky Raccoon' and more... so now I'll write my version of that song too. Hey if Hoagy Carmichael and Paul McCartney can do it, why not Glauber? (he asked rhetorically)
Last night my plan was to not go to my hang out bar (CU Corner, is the name), because I didn't want to watch M smoke and drink, didn't want to judge, just let her do her thing, and if I don't see it, then I don't get tweaked. It worked, she did her gig and I did mine, in this case I played some music with friends at a place around the corner. There was a slight problem in that, because when I'm holding forth in that way, people tend to gravitate to the music, and I felt that we sucked a bit of business from the CU, which made me uncomfortable. I wouldn't want to make a practice of setting up so close by, but then again, they're not paying me, and I like to play and I've asked for a slot there, so hey, what can I say? I'm a musician, and if people are drawn to it....
Among the folks drawn to it are my Hebrew buddies, Kevin and Harris, and it just turned into another hysterical night of laughter and improvisation and major schtick. It's what we do, and that's also part of the reason that people want to hang out in that environment. Uh, it's funny? Ain't enough humor in the world, and people have the instinctive desire to be around laughter. But the louder we got, the more I was concerned that Jeff, owner of CU would feel betrayed and pissed about our setting up so close by to his place. Oh well, I think we'll all survive it, but I'll check in with him today to get a read on the situation...
Also drawn to the music were two 6 foot tall Dutch women, (12 lineal feet of Netherlands dames, both of them drop dead gorgeous). M and I had met them a few nights ago as we shared a table at a local street food place and we had a lot of fun with eachother. It's not like I was attracted or anything... (right, Rich) Actually I was super attracted to both of them... and you know, the Dutch are very liberal in their attitudes about sex and all... as my mind started spinning into fantasy land.
So they showed up last night and sat down with me and the boys and the Zimbabwe women who have become a fixture, and the Lebanese guy, and the American Thai owner, and it was a very fun scene, singing Elvis songs, Beatles, Glauber originals, Doors, whatever. But these 12 feet of Dutchness, OMG how cute, early thirties, very cool, both had done modeling gigs and were about to be in a friend's music video, both of them very into me and my creativity. Why, if I was single, I would have tried to figure out a way to test out the 'liberal attitudes' alluded to in the previous paragraph. Seriously. So there's the rub (or lack of rub). How can I be totally fulfilled in a sexual way, which I definitely am, yet still want to 'Go Dutch' as it were. It's a little microcosm of my skirt chaser history, and the fact that I had such a strong reaction to it, makes it feel 'blog-worthy'.
Because the first thing that happens is that I feel guilty about that attraction. Even though I didn't 'do' anything. In my mind, yeah, I'd do plenty, and that fantasy knowledge has always felt like a failure in some way, as if I'm 'supposed' to not be attracted out there. In the past, I would use that guilt as a (what's the word I'm looking for) justification, for the fact that I didn't deserve a relationship. I'm too much of a horn dog to be in a relationship. I want to fuck every good looking woman I see, how can I stay with one person? it's too compelling out there, adios... And along with that, 'how could I do this to the one who loves me? how would I feel if she had the same attitude? I couldn't take it. equals adios... it's less frightening to just forget about relationship and be 'free' to do what I want. Though of course the word 'free' is meant ironically, because it's a freedom based on something that feels the opposite of free. (one of those knots that RD Laing wrote about?)
Intellectually I know that 'guilt' is not the best response to feeling attracted, but I'm programmed somehow to go there first. I'd like to rewire that pattern, and I think I got a glimpse about how to approach it. There I am in bed with M, we just had a ridiculously great night of 'connection', and I'm now thinking about the Netherlands, lying in bed with my chinese/thai girlfriend, starting to feel guilty (in between fantasies, that is) So what if I can treat that little mind trip the same way that I've been treating the other mind trips that I do? Can I experience the feeling, really feel it, and then move on from it, rather than linger there and stew. When I started consciously thinking in those terms, there was an immediate relaxation of the guilt reflex, as if 'I'm on the right track'. So that's the plan for today and hopefully into the future. Feel it, don't judge it, have a look at it, and then let it go to see what pops up next (pun intended, can't help it).
Cut to commercial and then scenes from next week's episode... fade out....
