I can barely see the screen this morning, as I tend to wake up bleary eyed and puffy, body kind of creaky and cranky, as would befit a 57 year old guy, or would it? Don't know the answer to that, but the fact is that it takes me a little while to clear out the cobwebs, loosen up the brain and get the thoughts rolling and the body feeling more normalized. My energy level isn't what it was, and I tend to try and peak at the times when I need to, like dance classes and gigs. And gracias a dios, I can still muster the energy, work the room, dance across the floor, leap and run and get fired up. But this morning at 7am, uh, not so much.
I'm not complaining in the slightest, this is merely reportage and observation. In fact, I've been feeling pretty content, though nothing has truly changed in my circumstances. I could still make the case for self-loathing if I wanted to, but I don't, so I won't. A few little gigs are starting to show up and add themselves to my schedule. Here's an ice cream party at a church in which they are inviting a bunch of local families and a few people recommended me as the guy who could make the music happen. (I don't know these people, but they know me). Here's an end-of-year party at the coolest child care center in town, the one that caters to U of O students and staff. They like me a lot and bring me in for these kinds of things. I did an Earth Day event for them last month. Here's an appearance at the Museum of Natural and Cultural History on campus which is planning a 'family day' later in the season. All the gigs are $150 for an hour or so, and that's a nice rate, and an opportunity to make the party happen.
And it's getting busier on the senior front too, as I'm starting to line up a bunch of regular afternoon gigs (low paying at $50/hour) but fun and worthwhile as I get the chance to serve and to yeah, make the party happen. I guess that's the theme of my life lately, make the party happen. I even used that line in some promo that I created for library shows. One kid came out of a show and declared 'we had a party at the library', as his way of describing a 'music in action' event. I thought that he summed it up pretty well, and I grabbed the line.
Now here's an interesting thought.... what if my purpose in life is to 'make the party happen'? On the surface it sounds puerile and shallow. Come on man, life is serious, you have to 'work' and 'accomplish' and all that stuff. Hang on, I have to look up the word puerile, since I used it just now. Calling senor Google... Puerile is 'childish, silly, immature, trivial'. And I remember an offshoot of that word which is the Jungian concept of Puer aeternus.
"Latin for eternal boy, used in mythology to designate a child-god who is forever young; psychologically it refers to an older man whose emotional life has remained at an adolescent level, usually coupled with too great a dependence on the mother. The puer typically leads a provisional life, due to the fear of being caught in a situation from which it might not be possible to escape. He covets independence and freedom, chafes at boundaries and limits, and tends to find any restriction intolerable"
Uh yeah, kinda... but it's not my intention to delve into Jungian psychology... (too limiting, he said evasively), and in truth, I'd rather try and figure things out myself, rather than defer to a genius (allegedly) like Freud or Jung or Jesus or Einstein or anybody who isn't me. Is that ridiculous? Maybe. I do value the opinions of others and I do like to consider other points of view, but in the final analysis, it's my life and they're not me. I feel like I have the tools and the wherewithal to figure out my life, with help of course, but really, it's up to me to make sense of it all. It's no different from John Lennon's rant in his song 'God' in which he sings:
I don't believe in magic,I don't believe in I-ching,I don't believe in bible,I don't believe in tarot,I don't believe in Hitler,I don't believe in Jesus,I don't believe in Kennedy,I don't believe in Buddha,I don't believe in mantra,I don't believe in Gita,I don't believe in yoga,I don't believe in kings,I don't believe in Elvis,I don't believe in Zimmerman,I don't believe in Beatles, I just believe in me... Yoko and me and that's reality...
I always LOVED that chain of independence, even and especially the part where he says, 'I don't believe in Beatles'. It's as if he is saying, that was then, this is now, that has no bearing on this now. Life goes on, each moment has the potential for amazingness, regardless of what came before. It's an incantation to the 'now'. Wow..
And if my present reality is to 'make people happy', 'make the party happen', I could think of worse things in life. There's definitely a part of me that questions the 'validity' of that as a 'career choice', but on the other hand, there is something genuinely good about bringing smiles to people's faces, lifting hearts and letting music flow through the room. I'm thinking of a woman yesterday who was clearly in a state of serious dementia. I could tell that she wanted to sing along, but the words weren't there. I could see it in her eyes that she was 'with me' and singing as well as she could. She was in the music. It feels good to have that communication, that pure love and joy, regardless of whether the words are there. It's beyond words after all. It's just love.
