Just before leaving on this SE Asia trip, I learned a few songs via my friend Kim Donahey, who is a musical comedy singer in Eugene. She likes the same kind of schmaltz that I do, show tunes, stuff from the 30s and 40s, and she had a list of songs that she thought were great ones. One of them really hit me back then, a ballad about a guy going off to war and wondering if he'll ever see his sweetheart again. It's really a beautiful melody and progression, and I was touched by it, and I'm now being retouched by it as I'm preparing to say goodbye to M. And I wonder if we'll ever see eachother again...
For all we know, we may never meet again
Before you go, make this moment sweet again
We won't say goodbye until the last minute
I'll hold out my hand and my heart will be in it.
For all we know, this may only be a dream
We come and go like a ripple on a stream
So love me tonight, tomorrow was made for some
Tomorrow may never come for all we know
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Just writing it out with the melody in my head makes me get choked up. It's really hard to say goodbye, as we've established a very beautiful heart connection, spent every night together, cherished eachother in a very big way. What an interesting paradox that brings up all of the emotions! It's so easy to swirl into all of the old programming; 'it's just a honeymoon, Rich, you know that it ends and reality takes over' 'You know that the Thai women are just trying to hook a Farang for economic reasons' 'How would it be to really live with her for an extended period of time?' Lots of noise circling the heartfelt core of finding someone who I adore being close to. There's a chemical piece to it that is undeniable, the smell and taste of it feels like home. Can't fake that part of it.
She seriously tells me that she would wait for me if that's what I wanted, and I believe her, strange as it sounds. Realistically, the soonest I could get back here would be in November, assuming that I'd make a nice chunk of income in September and October as happened this year, but that's not a sure thing either. That was based on the fact that my success at last year's PBIS generated a lot of fall work, and there's no guarantee that I'll duplicate that result. (especially after playing the converence about 12 hours after arriving back in Eugene). but I'm gonna try.
My sense at the moment is that I can make no promises until I leave this place and regather my perspective back home in Oregon. It would be stupid to be sure of anything until I see who the new version of myself happens to be. So I'm faced with the inevitability of a tearful and heart wrenching separation, a shock to the system and then whatever happens. We're both kind of scared about it. We were up holding on to each other in the middle of the night last night and it was exquisitely painful to consider the fact that time is just about gone. There's a lump in my throat just thinking about it. For all we know...
