This statement came out of M's mouth in the early morning hours as we were holding each other, kinda scared (me) about the upcoming separation and about life in general. When it comes to 'the future', both of us are pretty vulnerable, in her case, 'I have no husband, no child, no one to take care of me', and in my case, well different circumstances, but a similar vulnerability. When she talked about getting old, she came out with that statement, that if she can't work 'I maybe have to just lie down in the road', and it hit my heart really strongly. Still does, I'm cringing and fighting off tears just imagining the sound of it again.
I reached out last night in the middle of the night, feeling fear and trepidation about the return to the US and the separation from M. Even though our situation is far from perfect, and we as individuals are far from perfect, (duh!), I'm feeling a lot of deep contentment in the connection, in the love, in the responsibility. And when I think about being far away from her, it's kinda sickening and deeply disturbing. This coupled with the general negativity that I tend to fight off at times in the states around who I am, do I measure up? etc.
I guess I'm in the pre-grieving stage, or maybe just plain old fear, an emotion that I'm not all that familiar with as I think I experience fear less than most, but it's on me now. My heart and chest cavity are pretty tightened up and my face is in some kind of involuntary grimace, strange. If I had to put a sound to it, I'm thinking Miles Davis blowing sad and forlorn.
A lot of people, when they leave here, go back to their job or whatever, and I don't have that 'luxury' (he said with some sarcasm), because in truth, I don't know what I'll find back in Oregon. There are a number of gigs to look forward to, enough to survive on for the summer, but nothing more than that, so it will be very important to create some new work, and keep inspired and creative. Feels like it's time to bite the bullet and get a laptop and start making some progress into the twenty first century, especially in terms of being able to record new music. I've truly been hampered by my inability in that area, and it would be a shame to not take advantage of the musical gift that I have and turn it into inspiration, joy etc. There are few things I love more than crafting music, and it's time to step up and not be as self-limiting as I've been.
OK the cringe is gone from my face (pretty much, anyhow) and the emotional crisis is temporarily at rest... though not far away, clearly. It's one of those times when I need to call upon some of the things I've learned over a lifetime, the first of which is that this life is a miracle and it is to be treasured. It's easy to lose sight of the miracle when I'm bummed or injured or otherwise stressed (like now) but I've known for a long time that having the miracle as part of the equation is crucial. I know that it's ridiculous the write the word 'miracle' on a screen and have it convey anything remotely close to what I'm trying to convey, so I don't expect it to make any sense to anyone outside of myself. I guess it's like a 'post it' note for my soul to remember the true nature of what is important. So I'll be trying to do that in the trying times.
And as far as M and I being together down the road.... even though the odds would have to be against it, I have a hunch that we might just pull it off. Even though to the outside eye, we're just another Farang-Thai couple like you see everywhere, (usually with a price tag attached), from the inside, it's real. From the heart, it's real. This is one of her 'go to' ideas, that it's the heart that matters, not the surface impressions. And my heart is in, and hers is in, so we shall see how the story unfolds over the months.
Tomorrow I have to get up early for an all-day visa run to the Burma border, 4 hours each way in a mini-van, plus an hour or so in Burma (Myanmar) getting the paperwork done. People hate the trip, but since I haven't done it yet, what the hell, now I'll have a chance to hate it too. Then I have my second to last gig at the CU Corner when I get back. Should be a long long day, but life is a miracle, right? (he said self-deprecatingly). Keep on marching forward....
I saw Sasha Baron Cohen's red carpet shenanigans at the Oscars, and it was one of the greatest stunts I've seen. The guy is some kind of a genius. He showed up dressed as an Arab dictator, in full military garb and flanked by a couple of tall, gorgeous henchwomen.... He was carrying a vase that allegedly contained the ashes of Kim Jong Il, and he ended up dumping the ashes all over Ryan Seacrest's suit during the interview. Brilliant! It reminded me of the moment in the Borat movie when he took a dump in the foliage at Trump Tower in Manhattan, pretending he didn't know any better. Cohen is my comedic hero. He's on a par with the all time greats, including Chaplin.
I'm OK, the sadness has shifted, like it does. Life is still incredibly rich, even if there are problems.... and so it goes...
