I couldn't quite locate that Al Pacino speech from 'Scent of a Woman' in which he's talking about tango and says something to the effect of, 'if you make a mistake, you just tango on'. I could find it if I took the time, but I'd rather start writing with that as the starting point. It is a true statement, by the way, because sometimes in tango, it doesn't go as planned, signals get crossed, your partner thinks you're leading one thing, but actually you're going for something different, and it's easy to get crossed up.... That's when you have to gather, and just 'tango on'. I do like the metaphor, as it applies to much beyond tango as well as to the dance itself. I'm gonna find that line so I can quote it correctly next time.
And the reason it came up for me yesterday was because of the timing of a farewell visit with M, followed by a trip to the tango studio in which I got to 'dance it off' as it were. I was supposed to meet M for a 7pm visit last night to have a meal and a conversation. I figured she'd be kind of a wreck, based on the last time I had seen her, and I also had the feeling that she was going to give me some news that would signal the end of our romance. Whether it was another guy or a change of heart or whatever, I got the sense that things were different. And since there was a tango gathering at 6pm, I kinda wanted to hedge my bets a little bit and be able to go ahead and dance rather than miss that opportunity and be told, Uh dude, we're done. So I showed up an hour early.
She was lying in bed with the tv on, looking pretty bad as would befit someone who tied on a big one the night before and didn't get enough sleep. Her message to me was basically, 'Look, if you love me, you have to accept the way I am, you know I drink, you know I smoke, I'll change if I want to change, not because you want me to change'. and she was very angry with me because she knew that I had been talking to some people about my concern for her, and that was 'over the line' she can't trust me etc. She's right, I have been talking about her, and I apologized and asked for her forgiveness. She was OK with that (allegedly) and then we mutually decided that 'OK we're done'. It feels kind of good that she made the call, I'm sure there are layers underneath in which it's my call, but on the surface, I think she gets to save face in some way by being the one who says, 'no more sex, no more sleeping together, we're friends, that's it'. It was pretty clean, no fuss no muss, no tears, and it's clearly the thing that needs to happen.
And me, I got to walk away, go back to my room, drop off my guitar, then walk around the corner to 'tango on'. (with Pacino's speech in my mind)
So I show up at the cafe at 7pm and this older woman who I had met the week before announces 'a man' and starts applauding. Nice entrance, huh? They were short of guys, a few of the women were dancing with one another so I was quite an asset at that point. The stuff that was being covered is beginning level, including the basic 8 step form as well as front and back ochos, and I was able to add a lot to the group, because they're mostly beginners, so a guy who can lead properly is great for the ladies. And I learn too, of course. The teacher is pretty sharp and he's given me feedback both times that makes a lot of sense, so I'm getting a lot out of being there. Even though the steps are easy, dancing tango goes WAY beyond the steps, it's about balance and clarity and intention and communication, all while you're embracing a partner. How awesome to have this little diversion on top of all the other cool things in Chiang Mai. I remember last year that the only negative for me was that I never danced in Thailand. Now I get to dance some, and it's a treat.... and a surprise that it's tango.
That older woman turns out to be a 65 year old Dutch lady named Yudit, but she goes by the name of Ria. She explained that Yudit has been a difficult name for her, expecially in Europe, especially because it means Jewess (basically) and her parents were both survivors from Buchenwald who got married and began a family after the war. So she's got a lot of history and anguish and feeling about the Germans in particular. She told me that her parents said to her, you can marry a Chinese, an African an Australian etc but NOT A GERMAN!. We had a good talk, and she also, God bless her, had brought some home made little spiced hamburger snacks, little mini bursts of tangy beef flavor along with a couple of home made sauces. I had hardly eaten yesterday, and holy crap, they were delicious and plentiful. Thank you Jewish sista!
I'm feeling extremely vain at this point, at least in terms of my physical self. Every time I go by the mirror I check out my physique because I'm just so damn happy to be fit and trim after basically not liking how I looked for the past year. Hopefully I'll get over the fixation before too long, but I confess that I'm enjoying it at the moment. Shallow? undoubtedly. Now if I only had a scale to weigh myself on, my narcissism would be complete. :-) There's a lot to be said for good diet and lots of exercise. I should shoot some promo shots while I'm here at the very least, OK enough about that.
My buddy John is heading off with his fiancee Kui for a two week trip to the states tonight, but he's willing to shoot a video of me singing my newest tune 'Everybody's wrong but you' and put it up on Youtube. We have a date for 1:30 this afternoon and I'm really grateful. As an artist, there is great satisfaction in finishing a work and then putting it out there for whoever wants to check it out. It brings up all the stuff that I'm passionate about, words, melody, composition, performance etc. It's what I do, and in the ephemeral art which is music, there is a lot of pleasure in being able to capture a moment and have it documented. So that's the plan for this afternoon, and if it works, I'll have it up online, hopefully before he goes off tonight. That is a friend... (and I'm really into this tune.... and then once it's documented, I feel like I can go on to the next one.... that seems to be the pattern)
I realize that it's getting repititious for me to say, I love this place, I feel great, I'm operating at a high level, but what the heck, I've had hard times in my life, so now that it's a great time, I want to just enjoy it for all it's worth. So I do. I assume the high doesn't last forever, but while it's happening, uh, I'm gonna drink it in and reflect it as well as I can. No drink, no drugs, just the simple things, reading, writing, singing, dancing, friends, que mas quieres?
