Wouldn't it be nice to have a final few weeks without any drama, turmoil, late night worry etc, that is my goal. It's Monday morning now, which means I've just had the best of times with M, her Sunday off, time to hang out, 'connect', talk, relax, have some great food, which we did at a place on the north end of town, and then strolled back through the city, taking in some sights and getting myself better oriented to this place. Last week, our Sunday bliss was crunched by a Monday night wake up call of alcohol, upset and a new tune (part of the Al Anon album I seem to be working on). And as part of our ongoing negotiation/planning I asked her if for this next stretch of time, she could really 'take care of me', put my emotional comfort high on her list, and she said, 'of course' and me, I believe her. (stay tuned:-)
We seem to be in a different phase now (he said hopefully), as my commitment to her future, ie gifting her with a substantial chunk of change which enables her to give notice at work and embark on the next chapter, has redrawn the parameters. She does want to get out of the bar, but has been hamstrung by a lack of money, and by the fear that she won't find something else. (meanwhile, thanks to her work there, she is very connected to the Farang community, her English is good and everyone knows that she is an awesome employee. I think in this facebook world, she will come up with something great, or create it herself)
She is willing (and wanting) to 'wait for me', meaning not be with any other men, if that's what I want, and I believe her in that way also. And now her focus seems to be 'are you sure you're coming back? are you coming back to me?' And my answer is yes (with some unspoken misgivings). Nothing is ever that clear cut, at least for this over-thinker, but it sure feels like I love her and that I want to be with her.... and if we can survive this testing period of much drama and an arc like a yoyo, hey who knows, maybe there is a future for the two of us.
But that's down the road (by definition, sabes?) and right now I'm only thinking as far as her giving notice, going to visit her sister near Bangkok, and transitioning into the next phase. And I feel good about my participation in that process, stepping up and giving her what she needs, without any expectation of a personal reward down the road. Marley sang about 'give your more to receive your less', it must be from the bible, and that's where I'm coming from in this case. Let's ask Senor Google about that phrase... Hey, it is a Marley line, from the song Misty Morning, probably my all time favorite vocal by the master.... I still get tingles when I hear it.... Give it a listen, will ya...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ozf6UbTqQRA
There is one mystery, I just can't express
To give your more, to receive your less
I remember wearing out this album when I was visiting my buddy Howie (and his new wife Jane) down in the Florida keys in December1978. this turned out to be a very significant turning point for me, as I was down there for a month prior to going and finishing a degree at Skidmore College beginning in January. We were drinking Cuban coffee (Cafe Bustelo), oh yes, smoking weed, hanging out rasta style, sailing, playing music Marley was the main soundtrack. Meanwhile, back in New York, my brother Bob 'borrowed' my car, which I had just bought, wrecked it in the snow, and now I was in need of some new wheels for the upstate New York winter. I got this news over the phone when I called in from the Keys to say hi. A couple of days later, I did LSD for the last time in my life (so far, anyhow), I was 25 years old, hanging out on Howie's boat which was tied up to the dock. I had this vision that came out of nowhere and in it, I realized that it was time for me to move to San Francisco, rather than freeze in upstate NY. And so I did, no questions asked. I've been a west coast guy ever since, no regrets.... And when people say to me, 'what made you move to the west coast?', sometimes I tell them the true story.
That digression aside, the point is that there is some mystery about giving your more (to receive your less). And interestingly, it's part of the message that M has been sharing with me over the months. Not about giving to her, but about giving in general, and yeah, there is something about her which is divine and tuned in and very wise.... It's easy to get distracted by the more obvious stuff which we have struggled with, but beneath that there is a serious and deep spiritual connection... and no, you can't put a price tag on that.
