Prescient?

More twists and turns along the way, something feels a bit different today....

Yesterday's post was entitled 'House of Cards' and it was about the fragile nature of relationships here in Thailand, how quickly the sands can change. And then last night we had yet another incident, a minor one at that, but maybe not as minor as it seemed. As I say, it feels a little different today.

M and I get along great, and the only thing we seem to clash on is 'alcohol', she likes it, I don't. Though of course, there is a part of her that wants to stop, 'of course' she'll say from time to time, and 'she can stop when she wants to', I've heard that a lot. Whether or not she's an 'alcoholic' has been a question in my mind over the time we've been together; is it situational, the fact that she's working in a bar, or is it really a fundamental part of her make up?

Normally she'll come over after work, 5 or so beers in, and she's certainly coherent, 'not drunk', but I can tell that she's doing her best to act straight. She'd like to giggle or whatever, but she tries to play it sober. But last night, something happened that was different, she lied to my face for the first time, and that doesn't really cut it, as far as I'm concerned. It's that 'integrity piece' which I count on her for, which I prize heavily, and if that's not gonna be there, uh, could be time to split.

We had had a great day together, and as part of it, I once again brought up the 'are you willing to try' conversation, in this case, 'could you keep it to 3 beers for the night?' For me, it has to do with 'if you love me, as you say you do, if you want to 'take care' of me, as you say you do, well, the way to take care of me is to not be drinking heavily when we're gonna be together'. She doesn't drink during the day ever, but work is a different thing. She said that OK she'd have only 3 beers.

I played all night at the bar, kinda kept tabs on her consumption, she was doing good and then it's late and here comes beer number 4. I asked her about it and she was like 'you can see I'm not drunk, I'm working hard etc'. I say, so that's it then, no more after that? And she intimates that number 5 is on the way. But you said three, and now it's four. Will you please stop. She agreed, with some reluctance. A few of us were sitting around at the end of the night, M is washing the glasses behind the bar, and I notice that she's got another beer going. I go back and say, what's this? She said her boss bought it for her for Chinese New Year, and I'm like 'WTF!' though I didn't say that or raise my voice, but was definitely unhappy about it.

I went to the boss, Dow, and asked to speak with her outside for a second. She and I have a good relationship, and I wanted to ask her, why would you be buying her drinks when you know she's got a drinking problem? Dow said she didn't buy her the drink, M had asked her to open the bottle for her as her hands were wet from the dishes. So it was a lie, it was a way to get that 5th beer which apparently took precedence over whatever agreement she had made with me.

And yes, I know it's apples and oranges, or perhaps mangos and beers, the two sides of the equation don't have much to do with one another when addiction is on one of the sides. For me to expect her to stop her drinking in order to make me happy is a bit of a fool's game, or at least deluded on my part, because it doesn't work like that. She can 'try' (one of her favorite words), but that word has a built in excuse, 'hey, I tried...' but when it comes to drinking, there's some kind of need or pathology or other deep seated motivation that trumps whatever little agreements we might try to make. I get that. But hey, what am I supposed to do? Got to 'try' something (he said ironically)

I think relationships are hard enough between two people, and when you add a third character like 'alcohol' or alcoholism to the mix, all bets are off. The agreements and negotiations and plans that one makes with one's partner become 'inoperative' to recall Ron Ziegler's characterization of Nixon's er lies on the subject of Watergate.

And for the first time, my honest Thai Girlfriend, 'I tell the truth' 'I never lie to you' was cought in a lie, around alcohol, not surprisingly. And I could ignore it or let it go, or not be too put out by it, she wasn't 'drunk' after all, she was maintaining just fine, it could have been fine back at my place after the shift, but there's something about honesty that is at the heart of what we've got going here, and the fact that she would lie to me and say, 'hey my boss bought me this drink' as a way to justify changing the game, uh, that's a serious breach for me. I quietly said, that 'I'll sleep alone tonight' and took off, feeling OK actually, not too put out, not too worried that she'll go to the bar and get hammered, or call her ex or whatever, and not too holier than thou either, but something shifted for me.

I think I 'get' that yeah, she is alcoholic, and I suppose I would define that as the 'alcohol trumps the agreements' between you and the one you 'love' (allegedly), though yes, I do believe that she loves me. And I think that I was naive to hope that she could cut down on her consumption to give me what I need. She did on some occassions, felt good about herself, I felt good about her, it's better when she's sober or close to it. And I certainly don't want to be her monitor or house arrest officer, but I guess there's an element of that if I can't hack her drinking as much as she'd want to. Not a good situation. Not a stable situation.

You could make the case that I'm looking for an exit strategy, that my own fear of commitment will find a good justification for getting out, moving on, and maybe there is some truth to that. I've got fears about my long term ability to maintain a relationship, so perhaps this is a good way for me to rationalize a departure, 'I can't trust her any more, she's an alcoholic etc' (it's not my fault?). I think it's definitely worth considering that scenario, maybe I set it all up to make myself the OK one. So I have that as part of the mix. Hard to know how the pie is divided.

But I feel pretty OK today, not desperate or needy or much of anything, just watching the drama unfold. And interestingly, I have a visa situation to deal with by the 29th of this month, 5 days away. If I want to stay in Thailand, I'd need to apply at the embassy for a 30 day extension of my visa, costs about $70, well worth it if I want to be here. Or if it's time to move out, I just cross the border into another adventure, I'm thinking Siem Riep, Cambodia, the home of the amazing Angkor Wat temple complex which is some kind of other-worldly fantasy land from a thousand years ago. The photos are mind-boggling and I've got the urge to head in that direction if I leave Thailand.

Speaking of $70 (2000 Baht), I had taken that amount and put it in a red envelope as a Chinese New Year gift to M, put it under the sheet for her to find when she got into bed last night (after her 3 beer night, sabes?) Ya know, you take care of me, I take care of you sort of thing. So when I came home alone after our little incident, I opened the envelope, put the money back in my wallet, threw away the 'I love you' card and went to sleep. I'm not throwing away the 'I love you', but for some reason I persist in the idea that we need to 'take care of each other', in the way that the other needs. Deluded? Probably... OK definitely...

There ya go, telenovela fans, enjoy. And I leave this post with the realization that I'm quite calm about it all (at this moment, anythow) If things go a certain way, OK, if they go a different way, OK. Perhaps it's that 'middle path' that the Buddhists talk about. Not too high, not too low...