A couple of days ago, in response to my post about the tango, I got a surprising message on my facebook from H, a person I know in Oregon, we're friendly, though I wouldn't call us friends as we have never hung out together. The message said, 'Give her the money (I read your blog)'. This came out of the blue, as I didn't know that she was a reader of what I write, but more than that, it was a pretty strong statement. Apparently it was in response to my story that I had been wanting to give M money on different occasions, and each time it seemed like she would do something to make me change my mind.... almost like clockwork, or something cosmic. Cosmic clockwork. I made a flip comment along the lines of 'maybe she's doing me a favor and saving me some money', though actually it's not all that flip, as it represents a definite thought that goes through my head.
I wrote H back and asked for a little more information and she responded with this message..."She's been your tour guide, your translator, your companion, your muse, your sex partner...you knew who she was when you reunited with her. You dangled the chance of helping her financially (i suspect being much more stingy than most farang in your position. She gave you time while she could have been making an alliance with someone who would be less temperamental about giving her some money. I could go on and say some thimgs that might be hard for you to hear. I'll hold back and just say put aside you ego and romanticism and give her a fair amount of money for the time she spent with you."
(Well I asked for it, and I got it... and that was her holding back, oy) I was definitely stung and defensive when I read the passage, wanting to correct a few misconceptions, feeling a bit tweaked at some of the presumption. It's one of those things where there was some truth in the message, along with a helping of 'take it with a grain of salt' because everyone has their own slant on things, including H, including everybody. So once I got over the initial sting, it got me thinking. Well, I've obviously been thinking all along, but it put into focus one of the recurring themes about our two season love affair.
I've always wanted to change her, I see this incredible person who I'm very connected with, and the only thing that seems to drive us apart is the alcohol... so if she could just.... (fill in the blank). And could I use money as a motivator for change? I tried and it didn't work, the premise was flawed. There were strings attached to what I was 'giving', which makes it not really giving. Hence the consistent and perhaps predictable failure of that approach.
The real deal is that as long as M is working 6 nights a week in a bar, there is zero chance of us having any kind of future.... let alone present. I was in there last night until closing time, drinking water while a table full of regulars drank beer after beer, got into that alcoholic stupor, and in doing so, kept the bar open for that extra hour, hour and a half which is when the damage happens IMHO. I saw the owner drink 3 more drinks, rather than say, 'hey folks, closing time'. I saw M have a couple extra drinks as she's obligated to stay there until the boss says, we're closed. In other words, it all gets dragged down by the alcoholics among us who would hang out all night drinking if you let them. If someone is tending toward alcoholism, that scenario night after night will likely put them there...
I said to her late in the night, 'I wish you didn't work here' and she said, I wish 'I didn't work here too, but what can I do, I have to work'
I decided to step up and do something different, change the field of play. I came up with a figure that amounts to ten months of her base salary (not including tips). I have decided to give it to her, no strings attached.... actually one string. She has to stop working in the bar. This will give her the time and space to take a rest, get back into yoga, visit her sister north of Bangkok, which she's very anxious to do. She can 'not work' for awhile if that's what she wants. She can create a new gig, she can do what she wants to do.
And having decided on that course of action, I find it amazing how my mind wants to resist that generosity. Many thoughts crop up, most along the lines of wanting to 'get' something for my money. And I've spent a couple of days now processing those thoughts and rejecting them. Those are the mind games that have kept me/us in this limbo. So any thoughts of 'she'll stop drinking', 'people will think I'm generous', (or stupid), 'M will be obligated to me', 'What if I'm making a big mistake?', 'my reader er readers will have such and such reaction', 'I'll get anything whatsoever from this gift', I'm just seeing those thoughts for the mind play that it is, and am sticking to this thought. I'm in a position to put my money where my mouth is and to help someone whom I love, end of story. And I truly believe that if we have no future together, I'm still doing the right thing. (and it's not payment for translations, time spent or other previous services rendered... it's for her, today and into the future) I want to do this while I'm here because I have access to the money, and I think it will be harder to do once I'm back in the US. So I went to the bank machine today and pulled out the first installment which I gave to her this morning. I have a daily limit that I can withdraw, so that is my plan....give it to her this week, let her get it into the bank account and cut her loose from the treadmill. SHE TOTALLY DESERVES IT!
Thanks to H for the wake up call, I feel lined up with my higher self in this action, and I trust that feeling.... And now I'm in Pai, in a cute little cabin overlooking a lovely garden, paying $5 a night and ready to grab my guitar and make some music on the street. My hit song from this trip, which everyone loves when they hear is Same Same.
Same same, everybody's in the game
Same same, like a moth to the flame
He needs that honey
She needs that money
Same same
(You can Youtube search 'Rich Glauber Same Same' if ya wanna hear it...)
