When I wrote a bit yesterday, I was in a fairly dark place, and I attributed it to lack of sleep among other things. Well, once again I am writing on about 4 hours sleep, yet this morning, I feel great. So I will conclude that yesterday's rationale for my lousy mood was incorrect. It's not hours of sleep per se, It's more likely what's going on inside the old brain. (which is not to say that I won't need a nice nap later in the day, but I digress). How many times have I written 'but I digress' over the years? It's shtick of course at this point, but I like it; kinda reflects the way my mind likes to pull things from the past and insert them into the present. Thoughts don't flow in a linear fashion, sometimes they do for awhile, but often other thoughts will intrude from different chambers of the mind, and it's amusing to have them dance around together in some kind of instant choreography... But I ... never mind...
Speaking of shtick, I have a new one here in Chiang Mai. Usually once per performance, I'll finish a song and then pretend I'm a big star and yell out 'Thank You Chiang Rai' (Chiang Rai in a city northeast of here on the way to Laos, and I make the pronunciation mistake on purpose, as if I don't quite know where I am). Is this funny? Not really, but it often gets a bit of a reaction, a smile, a groan from the ones who have heard it before, whatever... it's shtick and anyone who knows me, knows that it's part of my make up... Like I'll use that Milton Berle line if I'm playing to a small crowd. 'It's not a vast audience... it's half vast' I'll be using that line til I'm dead. There's just something in me that wants to make light of myself, the situation, the moment. A small thing, and somehow a big thing. Because underneath the words is the thought that, life is to enjoy, we're here, let's have fun, let's laugh... It's a very deep part of my make up.
So why the change in my mood? It started when I returned to my Guest House after writing yesterday's brief and dreary post. M was in bed sleeping, peaceful, and when I lay down next to her, she woke up and told me she had a dream about me. And when she described it, I got the immediate sense that it was an important dream, part of her subconscious working stuff out and communicating to the surface. In the dream she was in some kind of room and I was coming to visit, when all this water started streaming in. The water covered me up and it turned out to be full of crocodiles. I was killed, she was sad and crying in the dream. But later, I reappeared in a different room... and then she woke up.
It struck me as symbolic of where we were at, and perhaps where we could go. We had been right there in our stuff yesterday, me being judgmental about her smoking and drinking, she being angry to be not accepted and judged. Perfect loggerheads, the end of the road, we've been over this before, we're stuck in our place, the walls are up, we're done. And then this dream, which sounds like a sign of 'change'.... the old way dying, killed by crocodiles, yet the story not over. And neither were we. It's so easy to just run away, say 'fuck it, I don't need this', but neither of us did that. And wow, there is SO MUCH to be said for hanging in there, keeping the conversation going, not running, being willing to persevere and reappear. (especially with the help of a dream)
And then we had an outstanding conversation, probably our best ever, lying in bed in the early afternoon. We each copped to our stuff, talked about our walls, our fears, and realized that we both want to help each other break through. It's actually the perfect opportunity, because it's only when the 'stuff is up', when the feelings are on the surface that you can get a good look, and if you're willing to hang in there, and you've got the right person to hang in there with, wow, growth potential. And we had a holy conversation, the outcome of which is that I promise to conscioulsy work on being less triggered, less judgmental about what she does... And she promises to consciously try and not give in to the easy, 'grab a beer, grab a cigarette' whenever the urge strikes her, but will limit that and work on doing it less. Something like this can only work if both people are consciously in agreement that we're working towards one another. One of us can't pull it off on his/her own. It takes two. And sure enough, last night, she was on her best behavior, as was I. Even though her ex showed up back in town and she was visiting with him as I was on stage... could have been a real challenging situation for judgment, but we both pulled it off, felt like we did it together, and it was a great night. I played a set with my trio, then played bass for Apple's set, and took off around 1am. Went to pick up some food for when M showed up later, she was at my place by 3, and I woke up as she came in, feeling really great about the whole interaction. It's easy to fall in love, 'everything is perfect, she's the one' until the shit comes up. It's harder, and more rewarding to work through my stuff, to communicate and continue, not be beholden to my flight patterns. So for today, I have a lot of gratitude and good feeling. A lot of love...
And the other highlight of the day was a dinner date with 'Lana', which is not her real 'fake' name. I said that if I wrote about her, I would change her name for privacy's sake, so I will call my new friend 'Lana'. She is pushing 6 feet tall, long straight black hair, Thai, great in English, 'big heart', as M says about her, in a 10 year relationship with one of the CU regulars, Peter, and oh yeah, a lady boy. I had met her last year and got the immediate sense that I want to know this person, I want to 'interview' her, for lack of a better term and learn about 'lady boy' culture, get some of my questions answered, try to understand better what it is I'm seeing in this country. She just struck me as a great resource, she's very bright, centered, strong in English, and that was my immediate reaction upon meeting her. So this year when I saw her again, I had the same feeling, and I initiated a meeting which we had last night over dinner.
I'm going to write about that dinner and what I found out in a separate piece that I'll start today and finish either today or tomorrow. It was so interesting, and easy and enjoyable for both of us. She's been interviewed before, for articles and also for a book entitled 'The Third Sex' which is about the lady boy phenomenon, and she said, sometimes it's boring to get interviewed, you answer question after question and can't wait for it to be over. She enjoyed our get together, because,'You're a good listenter, and you're funny'. Yeah, I'll try to be amusing in any context, and Lana appreciated it. I feel like I took a sociology course over dinner, and I look forward to attempting to convey what I learned in a post.... Stay tuned. Nap time? soon... first a swim...
