You see them walking down the Avenue
She's twenty five, he's sixty two
And though it seems that they don't belong
There's something pulling and it's mighty strong
Same same, everybody's in the game
Same same, like a moth and flame
Same same, he needs that honey
She needs that money
Same same
You can tell what he's looking for
A little friend and a whole lot more
The man would move a mountain
To take a dip in that fountain
Youth is fleeting, we know the score
She's had enough of being poor
As long as he treats her nice
It may be worth the sacrifice
Same same, everybody's in the game
Same same, like a moth and flame
Same same, he needs that honey
She needs that money
Same same
Easy to judge what others do
Even when it sickens you
Want to see it clearer?
Take a look in the mirror
Same same, everybody's in the game
Same same, like a moth and flame
Same same....
Same same...
That's one of the things that you hear here, 'same same'. (and yes, I love that opening sentence... maybe I should quit while I'm ahead.... and while I'm digressing, let me note that this is my earliest digression to date, a line one digression, impressive!) Hear hear! Same same! (Editor's note, ''OK dude, start writing")
Same same is pigeon English, meaning... wait for it... the same. I don't know why it comes out like that here, but it does. I guess they like to double up on one syllable sounds 'boom boom, tuk tuk, same same etc'. I've seen tee shirts that say, 'Same same, but different', and that's a bit of a cliche here as well. Don't quite appreciate the whimsy, but whatever. I've got a better idea for a tee shirt slogan, and if I saw this shirt, I'd buy it. 'Chillin' in Chiang Mai' and below that 'Sabai sabai' (it's all good). (Ok those are some lyrics to my tune, but I think they make a great tee shirt slogan).
So as promised, yesterday I set about to write some lyrics to my new Santana-inspired latin groove. It took me until the afternoon to get going on it, but I did get some focused time in, and what came out was pretty cool. The tune is gonna be called 'Same same', and it feels like one of those that will grow into something special. There is a thing that happens sometimes when I start writing about one thing and along the way, it evolves into something else. For instance I might be writing a love song, and it turns into a God song. It's like when I came up with the 5 principles of making music, and they turned into something bigger than that. You start down the path, and it can uncover into something surprising. And I have just a hunch that 'same same', even though it started off as a description of what I see around me, will end up being about something I see inside of me as well... Just a hunch, but I tend to trust those hunches lately.
So here's what I came up with yesterday. Think Latin groove a la 'Smooth' here's a link to it if yer interested http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MXp413NynFk
You see them walking down the avenue
She's twenty five, he's sixty two
And though it looks like they don't belong
There's something pulling and it's mighty strong
You can tell what he's looking for
A little lady and a whole lot more
You can see what she's looking for
Security and a major score
Same same, everybody's in the game
Same same, like the moth and flame
Same same, he needs that honey
She needs that money
Same same
...........................................................
That's all I came up with on the first pass, but it worked and I played it last night in the bar and yeah, it's gonna be good. Today I plan on digging in again and coming up with some more verses, now that the structure is fairly well set. I think the idea is to come up with ideas in which the characters appear to be different but are actually the same same. Hmmm, a latin groove treatise on that old philosophical conundrum of 'the one and the many'. Or maybe a salsa groove about 'duality'. Intriguing to this puzzle dude. And if people are talking and not paying attention, as happened in the bar last night, and I'm a background musician. (ugh), well hey, it's a great groove that they're tapping along to anyway. So there ya go...
And I am still remarkably stuck in the M drama, have never been in a pattern like this in which I'm bouncing around emotionally on such a regular basis. It's like I'm doing some kind of field work on compulsion, and the guinea pig is me. Normally, if I get my button pushed as much as it gets pushed in this situation, I'm so gone, and in my mind, I've been gone numerous times, but something keeps us coming back for more, not all that different than the verse in the song above, but in our case it's not an 'age and money' duality, but some other one in which we must be getting something out of the connection, despite the challenges on both sides. In my case, I'm seeing a woman who dresses sexy, flirts with the guys at the bar as part of her job, many of whom would like to take her home. Why would I do that? It makes no sense, why would I subject myself to that? And why would she subject herself to a judgmental guy who doesn't accept her for who she is, who criticizes her drinking and smoking, who pushes her buttons as much as she pushes mine? Why indeed? And like I say, I have a hunch that the answer gets revealed as 'same same'. (but I'm not quite there yet).
I guess for me, this act of returning for more is some kind of a positive (or am I being delusional?). But I have a sense that there is more to be gained by not simply disappearing, quitting and letting fear or uncomfortability run the show. Of course the odds are 99 to 1 that we could last as a couple, make that 999 to 1, given my history, the situation in which she's working in a bar, the distance etc. OK 9999 to 1, so it's obviously not a rational thing that's going on. But something's going on and I will continue to experience this process until it's over. (which seems like it could happen at the drop of a hat, yet we still have this gravitational pull on one another, time after time).
Same same (but you knew that)
Same same is pigeon English, meaning... wait for it... the same. I don't know why it comes out like that here, but it does. I guess they like to double up on one syllable sounds 'boom boom, tuk tuk, same same etc'. I've seen tee shirts that say, 'Same same, but different', and that's a bit of a cliche here as well. Don't quite appreciate the whimsy, but whatever. I've got a better idea for a tee shirt slogan, and if I saw this shirt, I'd buy it. 'Chillin' in Chiang Mai' and below that 'Sabai sabai' (it's all good). (Ok those are some lyrics to my tune, but I think they make a great tee shirt slogan).
So as promised, yesterday I set about to write some lyrics to my new Santana-inspired latin groove. It took me until the afternoon to get going on it, but I did get some focused time in, and what came out was pretty cool. The tune is gonna be called 'Same same', and it feels like one of those that will grow into something special. There is a thing that happens sometimes when I start writing about one thing and along the way, it evolves into something else. For instance I might be writing a love song, and it turns into a God song. It's like when I came up with the 5 principles of making music, and they turned into something bigger than that. You start down the path, and it can uncover into something surprising. And I have just a hunch that 'same same', even though it started off as a description of what I see around me, will end up being about something I see inside of me as well... Just a hunch, but I tend to trust those hunches lately.
So here's what I came up with yesterday. Think Latin groove a la 'Smooth' here's a link to it if yer interested http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MXp413NynFk
You see them walking down the avenue
She's twenty five, he's sixty two
And though it looks like they don't belong
There's something pulling and it's mighty strong
You can tell what he's looking for
A little lady and a whole lot more
You can see what she's looking for
Security and a major score
Same same, everybody's in the game
Same same, like the moth and flame
Same same, he needs that honey
She needs that money
Same same
...........................................................
That's all I came up with on the first pass, but it worked and I played it last night in the bar and yeah, it's gonna be good. Today I plan on digging in again and coming up with some more verses, now that the structure is fairly well set. I think the idea is to come up with ideas in which the characters appear to be different but are actually the same same. Hmmm, a latin groove treatise on that old philosophical conundrum of 'the one and the many'. Or maybe a salsa groove about 'duality'. Intriguing to this puzzle dude. And if people are talking and not paying attention, as happened in the bar last night, and I'm a background musician. (ugh), well hey, it's a great groove that they're tapping along to anyway. So there ya go...
And I am still remarkably stuck in the M drama, have never been in a pattern like this in which I'm bouncing around emotionally on such a regular basis. It's like I'm doing some kind of field work on compulsion, and the guinea pig is me. Normally, if I get my button pushed as much as it gets pushed in this situation, I'm so gone, and in my mind, I've been gone numerous times, but something keeps us coming back for more, not all that different than the verse in the song above, but in our case it's not an 'age and money' duality, but some other one in which we must be getting something out of the connection, despite the challenges on both sides. In my case, I'm seeing a woman who dresses sexy, flirts with the guys at the bar as part of her job, many of whom would like to take her home. Why would I do that? It makes no sense, why would I subject myself to that? And why would she subject herself to a judgmental guy who doesn't accept her for who she is, who criticizes her drinking and smoking, who pushes her buttons as much as she pushes mine? Why indeed? And like I say, I have a hunch that the answer gets revealed as 'same same'. (but I'm not quite there yet).
I guess for me, this act of returning for more is some kind of a positive (or am I being delusional?). But I have a sense that there is more to be gained by not simply disappearing, quitting and letting fear or uncomfortability run the show. Of course the odds are 99 to 1 that we could last as a couple, make that 999 to 1, given my history, the situation in which she's working in a bar, the distance etc. OK 9999 to 1, so it's obviously not a rational thing that's going on. But something's going on and I will continue to experience this process until it's over. (which seems like it could happen at the drop of a hat, yet we still have this gravitational pull on one another, time after time).
Same same (but you knew that)
The crawl....
Got Santana playing in my headphones to try and drown out the lousy music in the internet cafe, and also because I'm feeling some kind of Latin groove in my soul this morning. I was having my daily morning cappucino at Noi's place down the end of my soi (street), and one of the great things about that place is the fact that there is a decent steel string guitar that lives there. So I get to drink a delicious cup of the best coffee, check in with my friend, and strum a guitar when the mood strikes. And it strikes today.
As always, I'm on the lookout for the next song, and it occurred to me that we could use something latino and tropical in the club. Both of the reggae things I've come up with are hits there now, getting great reaction, so let's add to the tropical flavor (it's hot enough for crissakes) with something 'suavecito' (smooth, tu sabes?). Lately I'm in love with these dominant chords that have a flatted fifth. They add a gritty dissonance and are great for substituting into a progression. For instance, (and this is for the musicians), you could play an Am to E7 latin groove and it sounds nice, but if you spice it up, it could be [Am7 Am6] Bm7 E7] and if you take it one step further, it could be [Am7 Am6] Bm7 Bb7b5] and that last chord is the one that gives it the grit, the dissonant harmony that feels so damn good to hear and to play.
So I was messing around in that style this morning, thinking about the constant flow of 'love gone wrong' stories that you hear on a daily basis. And when I say the word 'love', I'm being facetious. This morning I'm leaving my room on the 5th floor and this old French guy comes up to me and in a too loud voice, asks if I know another hotel around here. I try and shush him, it's 8:30am and people are sleeping, and I whisper, 'what's wrong with this place?' 'I had a problem with a girl last night that the people are not sympathetic, so I find another place'. Yesterday I'm talking to this Australian guy who was bummed out because the 'girl' (lady boy) he brought home with him ripped him off for 10,000 baht ($350) while he was sleeping (passed out). 'I had it hidden in my toilet kit, I can't believe she found it' (yeah, who would ever think to look there...?) Story after story after story about older (and not so older) guys shelling out lots of money to buy her a house, buy her a car, put a roof on mom's house, get her started in a business etc, only to get ripped off, replaced, or otherwise spurned. How is it possible that the woman you've been 'in love' with for three weeks could do that to you?
And no, I'm not blaming the women, though of course in some cases, they are some conniving bitches. It seems to be a perfectly predictable result of the inequality that lets overweight, unattractive, old farang strut around with gorgeous young Thai women on their arm as if it were the most natural thing in the world. No free lunch, apparently, no free nookie either, and the courts here are now filling up with case after case of 'love' gone wrong. I think I'll spend today just asking around about stories, there is no shortage; you hear them on a daily basis. There's the guy who killed himself after he spent all his money setting up his lady in a nice house, and when he showed up there, she told him to get lost. She was living with some Thai guy and the farang was now broke and a dead man walking. Bang!
And as I'm writing, I'm trying to find the lyrical hook that will tie the anecdotes together.... it's in there somewhere and my mind is in full 'puzzle mode' to try and come up with the right words, the right tone, the right stance that will make sense in a public venue. It's not outrage, it's not feeling sorry, it's not blaming, it's not particularly judgmental, it just is. And it feels like the time to be a dispassionate observer, the wandering minstrel who calls it like he sees it, adds a little humor, some sarcasm and wit, and tells the story that we all know. So there's my assignment for the day. I got the groove, now I need the flesh and gristle.
As always, I'm on the lookout for the next song, and it occurred to me that we could use something latino and tropical in the club. Both of the reggae things I've come up with are hits there now, getting great reaction, so let's add to the tropical flavor (it's hot enough for crissakes) with something 'suavecito' (smooth, tu sabes?). Lately I'm in love with these dominant chords that have a flatted fifth. They add a gritty dissonance and are great for substituting into a progression. For instance, (and this is for the musicians), you could play an Am to E7 latin groove and it sounds nice, but if you spice it up, it could be [Am7 Am6] Bm7 E7] and if you take it one step further, it could be [Am7 Am6] Bm7 Bb7b5] and that last chord is the one that gives it the grit, the dissonant harmony that feels so damn good to hear and to play.
So I was messing around in that style this morning, thinking about the constant flow of 'love gone wrong' stories that you hear on a daily basis. And when I say the word 'love', I'm being facetious. This morning I'm leaving my room on the 5th floor and this old French guy comes up to me and in a too loud voice, asks if I know another hotel around here. I try and shush him, it's 8:30am and people are sleeping, and I whisper, 'what's wrong with this place?' 'I had a problem with a girl last night that the people are not sympathetic, so I find another place'. Yesterday I'm talking to this Australian guy who was bummed out because the 'girl' (lady boy) he brought home with him ripped him off for 10,000 baht ($350) while he was sleeping (passed out). 'I had it hidden in my toilet kit, I can't believe she found it' (yeah, who would ever think to look there...?) Story after story after story about older (and not so older) guys shelling out lots of money to buy her a house, buy her a car, put a roof on mom's house, get her started in a business etc, only to get ripped off, replaced, or otherwise spurned. How is it possible that the woman you've been 'in love' with for three weeks could do that to you?
And no, I'm not blaming the women, though of course in some cases, they are some conniving bitches. It seems to be a perfectly predictable result of the inequality that lets overweight, unattractive, old farang strut around with gorgeous young Thai women on their arm as if it were the most natural thing in the world. No free lunch, apparently, no free nookie either, and the courts here are now filling up with case after case of 'love' gone wrong. I think I'll spend today just asking around about stories, there is no shortage; you hear them on a daily basis. There's the guy who killed himself after he spent all his money setting up his lady in a nice house, and when he showed up there, she told him to get lost. She was living with some Thai guy and the farang was now broke and a dead man walking. Bang!
And as I'm writing, I'm trying to find the lyrical hook that will tie the anecdotes together.... it's in there somewhere and my mind is in full 'puzzle mode' to try and come up with the right words, the right tone, the right stance that will make sense in a public venue. It's not outrage, it's not feeling sorry, it's not blaming, it's not particularly judgmental, it just is. And it feels like the time to be a dispassionate observer, the wandering minstrel who calls it like he sees it, adds a little humor, some sarcasm and wit, and tells the story that we all know. So there's my assignment for the day. I got the groove, now I need the flesh and gristle.
Let's see, how can I avoid this....
Hmmm I wonder what's in the news.... Anything happening over at ESPN.com? There must be some emails that I need to respond to? Gee, I really want to finish that chapter in the book that I'm in the middle of. Where's my guitar, maybe I could start a new song?
Uh, sorry dude, no dice, you know the rules. If it's in your mind and heart, you've got to go ahead and go there. What do they say in AA, you're only as sick as your secrets. And in trying to describe the process of avoidance, it helps to disempower the scary reality of facing one of the true and deep channels of my psyche. Not quite ready to get there yet, but close.
I'm flashing on that old song, 'Another Saturday Night and I Ain't Got Nobody' (I got some money cause I just got paid). The first verse goes like this. 'I got in town a month ago, and I have seen a lot of girls since then. If I could meet 'em I could get 'em, as yet I haven't met 'em. That's why I'm in the shape I'm in.... and it's just another Saturday night....'
In my case, I'd have to add another piece to the verse. 'If I could meet 'em, I could get 'em, and when I get 'em, I'd like to forget 'em (he chuckled sardonically). Ah yes, the awful truth is that damn, if I had to choose between being alone and 'free' or being connected and 'restricted', I'd go with the former. At least that's my feeling when my mind starts tripping down the well worn path. And I don't even need a flashlight, my brain knows the way. It could be pitch black, but there's no mistaking the trail. I've been down it forever.
I'm not feeling hopeless or in despair, merely registering the fact that once M and I started building trust and getting closer, once we agreed that she and I would try out being together, taking care of one another... (not forever, but for now), once she is willing to say, 'OK I'm not going to look for another person to take care of me', once 'I win' and vanquish all competitors, then there is some reflex that kicks in and says 'DANGER, RICH GLAUBER', now you've gone and done it! Now you've made somebody love you, now you have a responsibility that you can't fulfill, now you aren't free, now you can't fuck anybody you want to (which is my basic definition of 'free', sad but true). So yeah, my mind just had the first taste of 'uh oh', and I'm hoping that I can process and dissemble some of the long long long held patterns which have formed the core of my 'relationship history'. The final frontier....
So for the purposes of trying to clarify some of the chaos, and yeah, it feels like chaos in that channel, I will experiment and try to categorize the stuff that comes up when that button gets pushed.
She's not the one. (as if there was a 'one'. Maybe there is, or maybe the idea of 'the one' is a convenient rationale for not moving forward. *Make a note of that particular conundrum for possible future exploration (it's a good topic). But in the meantime, under the heading of 'she's not the one' I can list all of the things that don't work. she smokes and drinks, she might not communicate on the same 'meta' level as I do. I could list many things about her that don't work for me, but that's probably more about me than about her. My judgmental self kicks in, and it's about all that she does wrong. When I'm in this state, could anybody measure up? Nope not really, the judge will 'win' every time. (and that's a pretty good definition of 'losing'. hmmmm. And the obvious conclusion is that it's my problem, it's my judge that rigs the game, decides the outcome. That's a tough thing to overcome, in that it seems like I have to suspend my belief in what I see as 'her problems' in order to focus on my own. (so much easier to just blame her and be done with it). but I have an instinct that says I need to do this work ultimately. Even if it hurts me, even if I'm wrong, there is value in trying to rein in the judge and 'see' what happens. (I 'know' what happens if I don't)
What?! I can't chase those lovely women I see everywhere? The ones who dig me at tango? The ones who rub my feet at the massage place? This is Thailand, you get a free pass to indulge your inner Casanova... ok your inner Caligula. It's a perfect opportunity to live that fantasy... pay your money and ride the ferris wheel, or maybe don't even pay your money, you might find a free pass. Is it shallow? Of course, Viva la Shallow! Why the hell would I come over here and NOT play that game? Everybody does it (not really, but many many do), why don't I get to play? Hmmm, I don't have a good answer for that one. There is some part of my psyche that wants to definitely get that out of my system, relationship be damned. Besides, 'she's not the one' (he added hopefully). Note to self, if I can't come up with a good reason to 'not' mess around like that, that might be my answer. I don't think you can have it both ways, but I'm not entirely sure about that either. It's different here, and I think a good conversation with M is in order. I know that I couldn't handle it if she was the one playing around, but there might be some scenario where 'men and women are different' and well, who knows? It's certainly worth a conversation to find out her stance on that.
I'm sure I'll get back on this topic over the coming days, but for now, I feel pretty peaceful. There's a lot to be said for just having a look inside and trying to describe it, I guess it's the difference between manning the tiller as opposed to being chained up below decks. M is asleep in my room, time to go back, have a swim, then grab some food before she goes off to work. I got a little distracted just now because Wayne put up a bunch of the photos on Facebook and wow, that's pretty exposed... but no more exposed than the blog, eh? Seems to be a trend. Feeling good, no fear.
Uh, sorry dude, no dice, you know the rules. If it's in your mind and heart, you've got to go ahead and go there. What do they say in AA, you're only as sick as your secrets. And in trying to describe the process of avoidance, it helps to disempower the scary reality of facing one of the true and deep channels of my psyche. Not quite ready to get there yet, but close.
I'm flashing on that old song, 'Another Saturday Night and I Ain't Got Nobody' (I got some money cause I just got paid). The first verse goes like this. 'I got in town a month ago, and I have seen a lot of girls since then. If I could meet 'em I could get 'em, as yet I haven't met 'em. That's why I'm in the shape I'm in.... and it's just another Saturday night....'
In my case, I'd have to add another piece to the verse. 'If I could meet 'em, I could get 'em, and when I get 'em, I'd like to forget 'em (he chuckled sardonically). Ah yes, the awful truth is that damn, if I had to choose between being alone and 'free' or being connected and 'restricted', I'd go with the former. At least that's my feeling when my mind starts tripping down the well worn path. And I don't even need a flashlight, my brain knows the way. It could be pitch black, but there's no mistaking the trail. I've been down it forever.
I'm not feeling hopeless or in despair, merely registering the fact that once M and I started building trust and getting closer, once we agreed that she and I would try out being together, taking care of one another... (not forever, but for now), once she is willing to say, 'OK I'm not going to look for another person to take care of me', once 'I win' and vanquish all competitors, then there is some reflex that kicks in and says 'DANGER, RICH GLAUBER', now you've gone and done it! Now you've made somebody love you, now you have a responsibility that you can't fulfill, now you aren't free, now you can't fuck anybody you want to (which is my basic definition of 'free', sad but true). So yeah, my mind just had the first taste of 'uh oh', and I'm hoping that I can process and dissemble some of the long long long held patterns which have formed the core of my 'relationship history'. The final frontier....
So for the purposes of trying to clarify some of the chaos, and yeah, it feels like chaos in that channel, I will experiment and try to categorize the stuff that comes up when that button gets pushed.
She's not the one. (as if there was a 'one'. Maybe there is, or maybe the idea of 'the one' is a convenient rationale for not moving forward. *Make a note of that particular conundrum for possible future exploration (it's a good topic). But in the meantime, under the heading of 'she's not the one' I can list all of the things that don't work. she smokes and drinks, she might not communicate on the same 'meta' level as I do. I could list many things about her that don't work for me, but that's probably more about me than about her. My judgmental self kicks in, and it's about all that she does wrong. When I'm in this state, could anybody measure up? Nope not really, the judge will 'win' every time. (and that's a pretty good definition of 'losing'. hmmmm. And the obvious conclusion is that it's my problem, it's my judge that rigs the game, decides the outcome. That's a tough thing to overcome, in that it seems like I have to suspend my belief in what I see as 'her problems' in order to focus on my own. (so much easier to just blame her and be done with it). but I have an instinct that says I need to do this work ultimately. Even if it hurts me, even if I'm wrong, there is value in trying to rein in the judge and 'see' what happens. (I 'know' what happens if I don't)
What?! I can't chase those lovely women I see everywhere? The ones who dig me at tango? The ones who rub my feet at the massage place? This is Thailand, you get a free pass to indulge your inner Casanova... ok your inner Caligula. It's a perfect opportunity to live that fantasy... pay your money and ride the ferris wheel, or maybe don't even pay your money, you might find a free pass. Is it shallow? Of course, Viva la Shallow! Why the hell would I come over here and NOT play that game? Everybody does it (not really, but many many do), why don't I get to play? Hmmm, I don't have a good answer for that one. There is some part of my psyche that wants to definitely get that out of my system, relationship be damned. Besides, 'she's not the one' (he added hopefully). Note to self, if I can't come up with a good reason to 'not' mess around like that, that might be my answer. I don't think you can have it both ways, but I'm not entirely sure about that either. It's different here, and I think a good conversation with M is in order. I know that I couldn't handle it if she was the one playing around, but there might be some scenario where 'men and women are different' and well, who knows? It's certainly worth a conversation to find out her stance on that.
I'm sure I'll get back on this topic over the coming days, but for now, I feel pretty peaceful. There's a lot to be said for just having a look inside and trying to describe it, I guess it's the difference between manning the tiller as opposed to being chained up below decks. M is asleep in my room, time to go back, have a swim, then grab some food before she goes off to work. I got a little distracted just now because Wayne put up a bunch of the photos on Facebook and wow, that's pretty exposed... but no more exposed than the blog, eh? Seems to be a trend. Feeling good, no fear.
Comin' Around to Gratitude
Got a raise last night, played a great set with my buddy Scott, had a big crowd that stayed and enjoyed the music, shook some shakers, laughed along, another perfect "ladies night" at the CU. Then we stuck around to back Apple, so that amounts to 3 straight hours of music, no break. And I love it. Jeff came through with 500 baht rather than the usual 400, and that meant that I earned a cool $10 for my night's work. We have to kinda sneak the money piece, nothing is out in the open, because technically I'm not allowed to earn money here, so we will have the '$10 handshake' or he'll slip something into my pocket. It's just the way things are done... and he asks that I do the same when I pay Scott, so of course I do.
After the amplified music ended, this young Aussie guy, looks biracial, almost Maori and Caucasian, big handsome guy... he grabbed a guitar and wowed the late night crowd. His name is Clayton, looks early 30s, and he had sat in with us for a couple of numbers that evening. He was talking to Jeff when I showed up to play the 9pm set, and Jeff turned him over to me, saying that 'this is the guy you need to talk to about playing'. Clayton was kinda cheeky, wise-ass, full of himself, so within 20 seconds, I'm saying to him, 'So in other words, you're giving shit to the guy who is trying to get you on stage?' He reminded me of myself as a younger man, and that feeling only increased as the night went on.
Clayton told me that he only brought one harmonica, a D harp, which meant that he could blow some blues in the key of A, and I got him up to jamming in the later set, and he was great, making up lyrics, going for it, singing and playing the blues. He asked to do another song, and I said, 'what do you want to do?' He asked if we knew 'Like a Rolling Stone', and sure, can do, though I needed to talk Apple through the chord progression for a second. So we launch into it, Clayton is rocking, the place is into it, and we reach the 'How does it feel?' section and people are singing along loudly. Then Clayton is asking for a little tempo increase and we give it to him for the next verse, and now it's really rockin', and he's mostly doing the lyrics, but throwing in some Chiang Mai references too, like I say, a younger version of me, (taking over, making up shit, working the crowd). That's kind of the magic of the CU, people show up, they get a chance to get up there and give it a shot. (It helps to have a house band of pro musicians, and that's what we were). So young Clayton was a big hit and we all dug it. Then he stuck around, grabbed the guitar, put himself in the center of the room and played 'Dream', 'Sweet Caroline' 'Hey Good Lookin' and 'American Pie' to the delight of the late night drinkers. He handed me the guitar and I followed with 'Hound Dog' (in A, so he could blow some harp), and then a version of 'Sloop John B' in D, so he could blow some 'straight harp' along with that. People were singing along, having a blast until 1am when Dao said we had to quit. (got to keep the neighbors happy) Quite a fun night, and quite a treat to jam with my younger self... (several people had said he was like a younger version of me) (I added 'and more talented' in a nice example of false modesty). It was very fun.
Spent the night alone (a rarity lately) as M is at that womanly place in her month where it feels right to have a night apart. (TMI?) We've been in quite a fine groove lately, a gift to be sure, and we seem to both want to ride the wave. It feels especially nice after the turmoil to just be in 'appreciation' mode, love mode, 'not try to change the other' mode. I do take it with a grain of salt, I'm not head over heels, but it is feeling like a deep connection, and my soul needs that. 'Gratitude' seems to be the best approach. Nuff said.
Spent the better part of two hours yesterday modeling for some pictures with photographer, Wayne Edginton, a guy my age, from Yorkshire in northern England, now married to a Thai woman (baby on the way) and living just outside of Chiang Mai. He's a real photographer, and he was fun to work with, great sense of humor, just a good guy (and I love the accent). He came by the Guest House and took some shots by the pool, at the table, in the hallway, me in a bathing suit, as well as dressed in a pair of slacks and a shirt. We've got a little trade going, music lessons for photography work, what a deal, huh? Wayne had a career in Health Care in Great Britain, now has a comfortable pension and is living the good life. Haven't seen the pix yet, but I'll bet there is some good stuff there, though as I said, no matter how good they are, I'm still a 58 year old guy, so I don't think there's any modeling career in my future. But it is nice to document this period of time, That's the goal. We even swung by CU to get a few shots of M and I together. We don't have any. I'll post something when I get something...
So is this blog getting boring? music in the bar blah blah blah... I love Chiang Mai blah blah blah... I dig M blah blah blah. Me, I'm not bored with it, somehow it's not about being impressive or getting a reaction or 'hey look at me'. I mean, those feelings are in there too, but somehow there is something deeper going on. It's as though the desire for a reaction is being subsumed by the more mature desire to just keep at it and keep uncovering. it's not about the incidents themselves, the great nights, the fun jams. That's just a starting point, then you push off, hoist the sail and you're on a journey of looking in and looking out. I just flashed on the Siddhartha story by Hermann Hesse, in which Siddhartha had all these adventures around the world, and then ended up as a ferry boat worker, going back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. The journey is inside ultimately; you can find the wind, the sun, the mountain inside. It's just a breath away... I'm trying to capture that feeling in the bridge to my latest song, Chillin in Chiang Mai.
We're takin' it step by step
Climbing up to Doi Suthep (the famous temple high on the hill, west of Chiang Mai)
How high the path will go
Is something only you can know ....
'Chillin in Chiang Mai... sabai sabai (it's all good)'
Ain't no worries, mai pen rai
If you're willin' to be chillin' in Chiang Mai
After the amplified music ended, this young Aussie guy, looks biracial, almost Maori and Caucasian, big handsome guy... he grabbed a guitar and wowed the late night crowd. His name is Clayton, looks early 30s, and he had sat in with us for a couple of numbers that evening. He was talking to Jeff when I showed up to play the 9pm set, and Jeff turned him over to me, saying that 'this is the guy you need to talk to about playing'. Clayton was kinda cheeky, wise-ass, full of himself, so within 20 seconds, I'm saying to him, 'So in other words, you're giving shit to the guy who is trying to get you on stage?' He reminded me of myself as a younger man, and that feeling only increased as the night went on.
Clayton told me that he only brought one harmonica, a D harp, which meant that he could blow some blues in the key of A, and I got him up to jamming in the later set, and he was great, making up lyrics, going for it, singing and playing the blues. He asked to do another song, and I said, 'what do you want to do?' He asked if we knew 'Like a Rolling Stone', and sure, can do, though I needed to talk Apple through the chord progression for a second. So we launch into it, Clayton is rocking, the place is into it, and we reach the 'How does it feel?' section and people are singing along loudly. Then Clayton is asking for a little tempo increase and we give it to him for the next verse, and now it's really rockin', and he's mostly doing the lyrics, but throwing in some Chiang Mai references too, like I say, a younger version of me, (taking over, making up shit, working the crowd). That's kind of the magic of the CU, people show up, they get a chance to get up there and give it a shot. (It helps to have a house band of pro musicians, and that's what we were). So young Clayton was a big hit and we all dug it. Then he stuck around, grabbed the guitar, put himself in the center of the room and played 'Dream', 'Sweet Caroline' 'Hey Good Lookin' and 'American Pie' to the delight of the late night drinkers. He handed me the guitar and I followed with 'Hound Dog' (in A, so he could blow some harp), and then a version of 'Sloop John B' in D, so he could blow some 'straight harp' along with that. People were singing along, having a blast until 1am when Dao said we had to quit. (got to keep the neighbors happy) Quite a fun night, and quite a treat to jam with my younger self... (several people had said he was like a younger version of me) (I added 'and more talented' in a nice example of false modesty). It was very fun.
Spent the night alone (a rarity lately) as M is at that womanly place in her month where it feels right to have a night apart. (TMI?) We've been in quite a fine groove lately, a gift to be sure, and we seem to both want to ride the wave. It feels especially nice after the turmoil to just be in 'appreciation' mode, love mode, 'not try to change the other' mode. I do take it with a grain of salt, I'm not head over heels, but it is feeling like a deep connection, and my soul needs that. 'Gratitude' seems to be the best approach. Nuff said.
Spent the better part of two hours yesterday modeling for some pictures with photographer, Wayne Edginton, a guy my age, from Yorkshire in northern England, now married to a Thai woman (baby on the way) and living just outside of Chiang Mai. He's a real photographer, and he was fun to work with, great sense of humor, just a good guy (and I love the accent). He came by the Guest House and took some shots by the pool, at the table, in the hallway, me in a bathing suit, as well as dressed in a pair of slacks and a shirt. We've got a little trade going, music lessons for photography work, what a deal, huh? Wayne had a career in Health Care in Great Britain, now has a comfortable pension and is living the good life. Haven't seen the pix yet, but I'll bet there is some good stuff there, though as I said, no matter how good they are, I'm still a 58 year old guy, so I don't think there's any modeling career in my future. But it is nice to document this period of time, That's the goal. We even swung by CU to get a few shots of M and I together. We don't have any. I'll post something when I get something...
So is this blog getting boring? music in the bar blah blah blah... I love Chiang Mai blah blah blah... I dig M blah blah blah. Me, I'm not bored with it, somehow it's not about being impressive or getting a reaction or 'hey look at me'. I mean, those feelings are in there too, but somehow there is something deeper going on. It's as though the desire for a reaction is being subsumed by the more mature desire to just keep at it and keep uncovering. it's not about the incidents themselves, the great nights, the fun jams. That's just a starting point, then you push off, hoist the sail and you're on a journey of looking in and looking out. I just flashed on the Siddhartha story by Hermann Hesse, in which Siddhartha had all these adventures around the world, and then ended up as a ferry boat worker, going back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. The journey is inside ultimately; you can find the wind, the sun, the mountain inside. It's just a breath away... I'm trying to capture that feeling in the bridge to my latest song, Chillin in Chiang Mai.
We're takin' it step by step
Climbing up to Doi Suthep (the famous temple high on the hill, west of Chiang Mai)
How high the path will go
Is something only you can know ....
'Chillin in Chiang Mai... sabai sabai (it's all good)'
Ain't no worries, mai pen rai
If you're willin' to be chillin' in Chiang Mai
Working musician....
Yep that's right, I'm in heavy music mode over here, yesterday I helped a guy buy his first guitar, then taught him his first lesson. He wants to do two a week for a couple of months, yeah man, I'm in. Then I headed over to the CU for a little 'guitar summit' with a couple of regulars who can play a few chords, but don't really get how it all works. And I invited my new student along to observe because it's the same stuff, no matter what level you're at. The same circle of fifths, 11 V 1 progressions etc. One of the guys I taught yesterday is coming over today to take some promo pictures of the lean mean Glauber, might as well document the weight loss and nice haircut, eh? And I'd like him to take some shots of where I stay, my friends etc, so I can share some photos on Facebook... (by the way, I'm still delighted to NOT be taking pictures... horribly retro of me, I know, but hey, I like it this way...) Makes me have to write more descriptively and it's one less thing to keep track of.
Before the New Year fades into memory, just a few words about that night. (too bad I don't have a camera to capture some of what I saw... (he said ironically). The town was mobbed, no rooms available, at least in this part of town, many folks arrived from Bangkok and other parts of the country. Down at Thae Pae Gate (5 minutes walk from my guest house), there was a big stage set up and a 40 foot high sculpture made of large metallic spheres, with CDs used to add texture and sheen. Pretty cool public artwork, and I think they did some kind of ball drop from there. The plaza was packed with food vendors, revelers, street blocked much action afoot. In the sky were hundreds and hundreds of hot air lanterns that people would buy for 65cents, then light the coil which sent hot air upwards and inflated the 4 foot high paper lantern. These were sent aloft over the city and they overall effect was quite magical, a smiling moon, hundreds of flames aloft, balmy weather, much merriment. It was dizzying and transcendant somehow.
Something about looking up and seeing a different sky, it felt like it was tapping into something very ancient and other worldly. (and of course, everyone is taking pictures and posting to their facebook,,, which is still kinda weird as a 'lifestyle'... as if the experience itself isn't enough... I Facebook therefore I am)
At around 11, I headed over to CU because my main man Apple, (Pern) was gonna play his set, and I wanted to back him on bass. Big crowd of course, he showed up from his other earlier gig, was very glad to see me, as at this point, I know his material, and yeah, it's good to have a bass player. Lead guitarist Scott was down at the gate with his bride, so it was more important to give Pern the support, and we were just locked in, totally digging it. A lot of times, due to the space constraints, I end up with my back to the audience, which kinda sucks as I like to see what's going on, and on this night I got a perfect perch. Huge fun. Just before midnight, Pern asked if I knew the new year's song, (I assume he meant 'Auld Lang Syne', and sure, yeah, I could do it, but isn't there a Thai new year song?) I really felt that that moment should be in Thai, and he agreed. It was a great call because as the clock wound down, he launched into the song and every Thai in the place had a huge grin and was clapping and singing along. There were a lot of chords, so I just started clapping too, rather than scuffling along with the music. The energy was really building, I could feel it in my heart, a big smile, and something about the ownership of the locals saying, 'this is our country, this is our music, we will share it with you'... there was joy in the room.. and it was building. I was seeing Pern as some kind of extra special human being, he's tuned in in a way that is quite special. Before the new year song, at around 11:53, he sang this beautiful lullaby almost, caught me by surprise, but it was his instinct to sing this thing at this particular time. And people were touched, and it was so unexpected... you'd think he'd be rocking out just before midnight, but he did the opposite. He's got some extra sensitive instinct about it, and I just follow and learn.
So now it's 12 midnight and the energy is starting to peak, when there is a series of explosions on the street, people setting off their fireworks, and the crowd is drawn into the street to see the lights and hear the explosions. Sad in a way, as what was happening before was so clean and spirited, and now it was as if the plug was pulled and the typical, noisy, 'celebration' began. I realize that I'm extra sensitive in these matters, but hey, it was a shame. The kind of energy that was happening doesn't come around every day, and it was too bad that it got swamped by the more mundane bang bang of normal life. Pern kept singing, didn't seem to mind, kept smiling, he's like the Dalai Lama of bar musicians. We ended up playing late into the night. I think I quit around 3 or so, and he hung in there for another hour with some other players.
I knew that M and I wouldn't be spending this night together, not when the bar is open until 5 am, and last week's Christmas debacle still pretty fresh in my mind. No thanks, I don't need the stress. Then midnight comes, people are shaking hands, hugging, kissing, wishing 'Sawadtii Pi Mai' to each other. And she comes up with a big smile, kisses me on the mouth, and then again, and I'm like, 'do you want to come over tonight?' And she did want to. And it made me happy. And then I go back to my place pretty buzzed at 4 am and then start to worry. What if she gets wasted? And somehow managed to quiet my mind, trust her, not be attached to any outcomes, just let it be. And she came over around 6am in good form, justifying my trust. All part of the dance, I guess... this is new territory for me.
At the bar that night, we played both of my reggae jams, Bhang Lassie, and the new one, 'Chillin' in Chiang Mai' and they were both very well received. What a blast that is to intro this groove into this venue and play it with my friends, make up the words, just jam into the night. Holy crap, is there anything more fun? Uh maybe, (but I don't digress)
And now that M and I have put each other through a lot of turmoil, we're in a groove of sweetness and affection and just plain love. Not that it lasts, not that it's forever, it just is, and it feels like we both recognize the value of whatever it is we've got going. I think it's that situation where there is only so much you can do on your own. In order to really grow, you need another person to put you through your stuff, and if you can come through it with some integrity and compassion, it's a good thing... (no guarantees, of course... it could turn on a dime... so I'll just be grateful, OK?)
Speaking of which, I got a flash of inspiration for the next tune which is called 'Coming Around to Gratitude'. It's a folk song/stream of consciousness flow about some death stories. I was thinking about the 'Garlic Girl' who died twenty years ago or so, and before leaving, she had an event at the Wow Hall in which she gave a speech that was so powerful. 'I love each and every one of you... even the bad ones' she said. 'I love every blade of grass...' And I was thinking about Judith Meltzoff, Nancy's mom who had liver cancer and was short for this plane. They threw a 'Bon Voyage' party at Nancy's, Judith propped on a futon, surrounded by love and singing (led by me) She gave a little talk about how she had rented 'Pride of the Yankees' (the Lou Gehrig story) as a way to help her 10 year old grandson Adam understand her imminent death. And she said, 'I consider myself the luckiest woman in the world' which was Gehrig's quote, different gender. I feel a strong desire to relate some of these stories and then tie them together with a simple singalong 'Coming around to gratitude' that we can harmonize.
The other verse or whatever is that episode in which my Grandfather Jack sat me in his office, I was maybe 17 and he wanted to teach me something. 'What's the most important thing in the world?' he asked, and in my know-it-all teenaged way I said, 'to be satisfied, to be really into what you're doing' and he said, 'no'. 'The most important thing is your integrity, your good name, they can never take it away from you. The way you treat other people'. It was a moment and I recognized quite clearly that my grandfather was saying something really important to me. We had a certain bond, and this kind of memory is such a blessing. To have someone love me that much and want to really give me his wisdom and his vision. I received it and understood it, and have kept that with me all these years. And my integrity, while certainly not perfect, is still pretty strong, and that is a blessing I received with great appreciation. And I'm coming around to gratitude....Coming around to gratitude. (maybe that's the most important thing now...)
Before the New Year fades into memory, just a few words about that night. (too bad I don't have a camera to capture some of what I saw... (he said ironically). The town was mobbed, no rooms available, at least in this part of town, many folks arrived from Bangkok and other parts of the country. Down at Thae Pae Gate (5 minutes walk from my guest house), there was a big stage set up and a 40 foot high sculpture made of large metallic spheres, with CDs used to add texture and sheen. Pretty cool public artwork, and I think they did some kind of ball drop from there. The plaza was packed with food vendors, revelers, street blocked much action afoot. In the sky were hundreds and hundreds of hot air lanterns that people would buy for 65cents, then light the coil which sent hot air upwards and inflated the 4 foot high paper lantern. These were sent aloft over the city and they overall effect was quite magical, a smiling moon, hundreds of flames aloft, balmy weather, much merriment. It was dizzying and transcendant somehow.
Something about looking up and seeing a different sky, it felt like it was tapping into something very ancient and other worldly. (and of course, everyone is taking pictures and posting to their facebook,,, which is still kinda weird as a 'lifestyle'... as if the experience itself isn't enough... I Facebook therefore I am)
At around 11, I headed over to CU because my main man Apple, (Pern) was gonna play his set, and I wanted to back him on bass. Big crowd of course, he showed up from his other earlier gig, was very glad to see me, as at this point, I know his material, and yeah, it's good to have a bass player. Lead guitarist Scott was down at the gate with his bride, so it was more important to give Pern the support, and we were just locked in, totally digging it. A lot of times, due to the space constraints, I end up with my back to the audience, which kinda sucks as I like to see what's going on, and on this night I got a perfect perch. Huge fun. Just before midnight, Pern asked if I knew the new year's song, (I assume he meant 'Auld Lang Syne', and sure, yeah, I could do it, but isn't there a Thai new year song?) I really felt that that moment should be in Thai, and he agreed. It was a great call because as the clock wound down, he launched into the song and every Thai in the place had a huge grin and was clapping and singing along. There were a lot of chords, so I just started clapping too, rather than scuffling along with the music. The energy was really building, I could feel it in my heart, a big smile, and something about the ownership of the locals saying, 'this is our country, this is our music, we will share it with you'... there was joy in the room.. and it was building. I was seeing Pern as some kind of extra special human being, he's tuned in in a way that is quite special. Before the new year song, at around 11:53, he sang this beautiful lullaby almost, caught me by surprise, but it was his instinct to sing this thing at this particular time. And people were touched, and it was so unexpected... you'd think he'd be rocking out just before midnight, but he did the opposite. He's got some extra sensitive instinct about it, and I just follow and learn.
So now it's 12 midnight and the energy is starting to peak, when there is a series of explosions on the street, people setting off their fireworks, and the crowd is drawn into the street to see the lights and hear the explosions. Sad in a way, as what was happening before was so clean and spirited, and now it was as if the plug was pulled and the typical, noisy, 'celebration' began. I realize that I'm extra sensitive in these matters, but hey, it was a shame. The kind of energy that was happening doesn't come around every day, and it was too bad that it got swamped by the more mundane bang bang of normal life. Pern kept singing, didn't seem to mind, kept smiling, he's like the Dalai Lama of bar musicians. We ended up playing late into the night. I think I quit around 3 or so, and he hung in there for another hour with some other players.
I knew that M and I wouldn't be spending this night together, not when the bar is open until 5 am, and last week's Christmas debacle still pretty fresh in my mind. No thanks, I don't need the stress. Then midnight comes, people are shaking hands, hugging, kissing, wishing 'Sawadtii Pi Mai' to each other. And she comes up with a big smile, kisses me on the mouth, and then again, and I'm like, 'do you want to come over tonight?' And she did want to. And it made me happy. And then I go back to my place pretty buzzed at 4 am and then start to worry. What if she gets wasted? And somehow managed to quiet my mind, trust her, not be attached to any outcomes, just let it be. And she came over around 6am in good form, justifying my trust. All part of the dance, I guess... this is new territory for me.
At the bar that night, we played both of my reggae jams, Bhang Lassie, and the new one, 'Chillin' in Chiang Mai' and they were both very well received. What a blast that is to intro this groove into this venue and play it with my friends, make up the words, just jam into the night. Holy crap, is there anything more fun? Uh maybe, (but I don't digress)
And now that M and I have put each other through a lot of turmoil, we're in a groove of sweetness and affection and just plain love. Not that it lasts, not that it's forever, it just is, and it feels like we both recognize the value of whatever it is we've got going. I think it's that situation where there is only so much you can do on your own. In order to really grow, you need another person to put you through your stuff, and if you can come through it with some integrity and compassion, it's a good thing... (no guarantees, of course... it could turn on a dime... so I'll just be grateful, OK?)
Speaking of which, I got a flash of inspiration for the next tune which is called 'Coming Around to Gratitude'. It's a folk song/stream of consciousness flow about some death stories. I was thinking about the 'Garlic Girl' who died twenty years ago or so, and before leaving, she had an event at the Wow Hall in which she gave a speech that was so powerful. 'I love each and every one of you... even the bad ones' she said. 'I love every blade of grass...' And I was thinking about Judith Meltzoff, Nancy's mom who had liver cancer and was short for this plane. They threw a 'Bon Voyage' party at Nancy's, Judith propped on a futon, surrounded by love and singing (led by me) She gave a little talk about how she had rented 'Pride of the Yankees' (the Lou Gehrig story) as a way to help her 10 year old grandson Adam understand her imminent death. And she said, 'I consider myself the luckiest woman in the world' which was Gehrig's quote, different gender. I feel a strong desire to relate some of these stories and then tie them together with a simple singalong 'Coming around to gratitude' that we can harmonize.
The other verse or whatever is that episode in which my Grandfather Jack sat me in his office, I was maybe 17 and he wanted to teach me something. 'What's the most important thing in the world?' he asked, and in my know-it-all teenaged way I said, 'to be satisfied, to be really into what you're doing' and he said, 'no'. 'The most important thing is your integrity, your good name, they can never take it away from you. The way you treat other people'. It was a moment and I recognized quite clearly that my grandfather was saying something really important to me. We had a certain bond, and this kind of memory is such a blessing. To have someone love me that much and want to really give me his wisdom and his vision. I received it and understood it, and have kept that with me all these years. And my integrity, while certainly not perfect, is still pretty strong, and that is a blessing I received with great appreciation. And I'm coming around to gratitude....Coming around to gratitude. (maybe that's the most important thing now...)
Handle With Care
Early to the internet cafe this morning, a sunny Monday morning in Chiang Mai, lousy Thai music on the stereo, better sounds percolating in my brain, though of course, I can't quite hear them at the moment... but hey, they're there. (not bad, in the first sentence I dropped a 'Sunny Monday' and a 'They're There') Gonna be a good day? (he wondered hopefully)
That's right, reader, er readers, I took a day off from the blog yesterday, first day off in quite some time, I'm thinking, but it wasn't for lack of material. Just seemed like the right thing to do, having spent New Year's Eve playing music late into the night, and engaging in other ancillary adventures before and after. It made for a Sunday of rest and recuperation, which is what I did.
I've been avoiding the 'M' saga in the blog, because it was impossible to track. One day, one feeling, next day, opposite feeling, always so sure of the truth, then watch it flip 180 degrees in no time at all. And then back again, and again and again. Something's going on here, I thought to myself. Some crazy lesson, what could it be?
And I don't really have a grip on it yet, (as if one could 'grip' the truth, haha), but I did have some kind of revelation this morning that was a new one, at least in the context of this relationship. I've got some emotion about it, tears are close to the surface, and not just today. They've been part of this process, and I believe that's a good thing. Makes for a deeper truth.
M is now 40; she works her ass off, she's unbelievable at her job, she's got some physical pain, her shoulder is strained, she's small and wiry, and working like a longshoreman, long hours, lots of hustle, it's exhausting. She says that she's 'hyperactive', that when she's working she's happy, but when she has too much time to think, she can get depressed. Real depressed. I watch her hustling back to the kitchen, trying to get through the crowd of drinkers who often block her path (the place is smaill), she opens the beer, pours the rum and coke, keeps the tabs, collects the money, hustles back for the next order, through the crowd, three people want something, back and forth, hour after hour, night after night. Guys buy her a drink, she opens it at their table, clinks a toast, takes a swig, smiles, a hug maybe, then back to the hustle. Grabs a cigarette when she can, dishes to wash, more orders, making her way through the crowd, she is a force of nature.
And she's in some pain. Frequently I'll see her wince, put her hands on her knees, make a face (nobody seems to see it but me), then she's back at it, hot footing it to the kitchen, grabbing the next order, over and over and over, night after night. Are you getting the picture? It's as though if she stopped, she would feel the pain, think too much, get depressed. I'm starting to see the winces as little microcosms of her state. There is pain, a lifetime of struggle, and she soldiers on and on.
And now at 40, she's seeing that she needs someone to 'take care of me and I take care of him'. She needs one of these westerners to pay her rent or buy her a condo, or move in together in a house so she can get off the rat race, and give herself some security. That conversation has come up twice in the past 8 days, both times in terms a guy who is interested in her and who maybe will be that person to make her life easier. It's not the easiest thing for me to hear about, of course, I take it as a threat and a breach of my security. It brings up feelings of fear and jealousy, but there ya go, it's real and it's what's happening.
This one guy, her ex, came back to town after some months in the Philippines, showed up to find me here and connected to M (he knew about me, and I knew about him). He got jealous when he found that we were spending most nights together, and I think that is what made him 'want to take care of her' (he was the Christmas threat). He's a little older than me, rich, could definitely provide for her, but he's got his own entanglements with a Thai ex, and M doesn't want anything to do with that drama. This ex of the ex showed up in the bar, said something to M's boss, it's one of the things that happens here, lots of jealousies between the Thai ladies vis a vis the farang quarry, and M hates that stuff, avoids it whenever possible, doesn't gossip, hates that aspect of things.
Then on New Year's Eve, here's a good looking German guy out with his friends, buys her a drink, they knew each other a bit from a few months ago when he came by the bar. I could see he was very interested and she was kinda interested too. They made a tentative date for dinner Sunday (yesterday), even though she and I were spending the day together. If he called, she'd go off to dinner with him, just to check out the scene, get to know him some. (cue the increased heart rate for our intrepid hero). We were having a wonderful day together, but there is always the shadow hanging over it, eh? And I hope this description doesn't paint a picture of M as some kind of conniving Thai female who is playing the farang for the quick score. They do that here, accompanied with lies and more lies. She's very up-front with me about it, that's her hallmark, and I'm totally appreciative of the honesty (not that I couldn't do with a little window of ignorance and peace for a couple of days, but I digress.
So yeah, there isn't even a two day period when I can disappear into the fantasy of having a person who I love and who loves me. Things happen quicker than that, and it got absurd to the point of being funny, not funny haha, but funny nonetheless. (in a kind of unfunny way). Yeah, it became part of the shtick. And in a surprising twist, she got jealous of me when she thought I was staring at this woman who was in the bar. Turned out to be C, the tango dancer from a few weeks ago, who shows up from time to time with a friend of hers. I spoke to her for a minute, made eye contact from the stage a few times, and M got into jealous mode. Surprising, and kinda strange, given what she puts me through on a regular basis. And there's nothing between C and me, though there could have been at one time, so I don't get too bent out of shape about M being jealous. I figure maybe it's just a delayed perception to something that coulda happened a few weeks ago... Karma, for lack of a better word.
Anyhow, all of this is mere background to this morning's revelation, which was more or less as follows: M is talking about someone who can take care of her. And the fact of the matter is that I need someone to take care of me too. Let's do the equation... P (provider) multiplied by C (care needed) equals PC (perfect couple) (as if, but I digress)
C times C equals CC (cash crunch?) (can't commit?) (connection crisis?) I'm sure I could go on, but I think you get the point.
So yeah, this scenario dovetails nicely with my long time arc, a 'lifetime non-achievement award', if you will. And I'm not putting myself down here, or suffering with regret. It is what it is, and I made my choices and I live with my choices, and I even pretty much trust my choices. And who's to say that if I was a rich guy with a fat portfolio, that it would be good to take care of her and live happily ever after. Life doesn't work that way, does it? This is the story, these are the characters, here is the back-story, 321, action!
The people who know me well understand that I've spent quite a bit of time struggling with the success/failure motif over the decades. You know how it goes, guys are supposed to make a lot of money, use power tools, have a bunch of stuff, build a house and be a good ... (wait for it) ... 'provider'. It's so strong in our culture, maybe other cultures as well, not really sure. And I have consciously and unconsciously avoided, rejected, spurned and tried to eradicate that role for myself. (and suffered much anguish along the journey). But I've always tried to be true, true to myself, true to life, true to my beliefs, true to the people I meet. And I have to give myself some credit for that. I don't provide money and stability. I do provide artistry, kindness, compassion, magic, humor, a spark, wisdom (I want to slip 'great sex' into the list, but it's slightly out of context, so I won't allude to it, except parenthetically), uh where was I, I provide the willingness to engage, to tell the truth, to connect, to celebrate this life journey. And I don't feel regrets at the moment. The truth is the truth, and I believe that I'm in service to it. Well maybe some regrets, like in the song My Way... (Paul Anka) (played at every New York Mafiosi funeral for the past 30 years)
"Regrets, I've had a few, but then again, too few to mention" (I think it's a great sentiment, great line)
And I thank my teacher M whose extraordinary honesty has given me a chance to uncover parts of my soul, tears, laughter and all.
That's right, reader, er readers, I took a day off from the blog yesterday, first day off in quite some time, I'm thinking, but it wasn't for lack of material. Just seemed like the right thing to do, having spent New Year's Eve playing music late into the night, and engaging in other ancillary adventures before and after. It made for a Sunday of rest and recuperation, which is what I did.
I've been avoiding the 'M' saga in the blog, because it was impossible to track. One day, one feeling, next day, opposite feeling, always so sure of the truth, then watch it flip 180 degrees in no time at all. And then back again, and again and again. Something's going on here, I thought to myself. Some crazy lesson, what could it be?
And I don't really have a grip on it yet, (as if one could 'grip' the truth, haha), but I did have some kind of revelation this morning that was a new one, at least in the context of this relationship. I've got some emotion about it, tears are close to the surface, and not just today. They've been part of this process, and I believe that's a good thing. Makes for a deeper truth.
M is now 40; she works her ass off, she's unbelievable at her job, she's got some physical pain, her shoulder is strained, she's small and wiry, and working like a longshoreman, long hours, lots of hustle, it's exhausting. She says that she's 'hyperactive', that when she's working she's happy, but when she has too much time to think, she can get depressed. Real depressed. I watch her hustling back to the kitchen, trying to get through the crowd of drinkers who often block her path (the place is smaill), she opens the beer, pours the rum and coke, keeps the tabs, collects the money, hustles back for the next order, through the crowd, three people want something, back and forth, hour after hour, night after night. Guys buy her a drink, she opens it at their table, clinks a toast, takes a swig, smiles, a hug maybe, then back to the hustle. Grabs a cigarette when she can, dishes to wash, more orders, making her way through the crowd, she is a force of nature.
And she's in some pain. Frequently I'll see her wince, put her hands on her knees, make a face (nobody seems to see it but me), then she's back at it, hot footing it to the kitchen, grabbing the next order, over and over and over, night after night. Are you getting the picture? It's as though if she stopped, she would feel the pain, think too much, get depressed. I'm starting to see the winces as little microcosms of her state. There is pain, a lifetime of struggle, and she soldiers on and on.
And now at 40, she's seeing that she needs someone to 'take care of me and I take care of him'. She needs one of these westerners to pay her rent or buy her a condo, or move in together in a house so she can get off the rat race, and give herself some security. That conversation has come up twice in the past 8 days, both times in terms a guy who is interested in her and who maybe will be that person to make her life easier. It's not the easiest thing for me to hear about, of course, I take it as a threat and a breach of my security. It brings up feelings of fear and jealousy, but there ya go, it's real and it's what's happening.
This one guy, her ex, came back to town after some months in the Philippines, showed up to find me here and connected to M (he knew about me, and I knew about him). He got jealous when he found that we were spending most nights together, and I think that is what made him 'want to take care of her' (he was the Christmas threat). He's a little older than me, rich, could definitely provide for her, but he's got his own entanglements with a Thai ex, and M doesn't want anything to do with that drama. This ex of the ex showed up in the bar, said something to M's boss, it's one of the things that happens here, lots of jealousies between the Thai ladies vis a vis the farang quarry, and M hates that stuff, avoids it whenever possible, doesn't gossip, hates that aspect of things.
Then on New Year's Eve, here's a good looking German guy out with his friends, buys her a drink, they knew each other a bit from a few months ago when he came by the bar. I could see he was very interested and she was kinda interested too. They made a tentative date for dinner Sunday (yesterday), even though she and I were spending the day together. If he called, she'd go off to dinner with him, just to check out the scene, get to know him some. (cue the increased heart rate for our intrepid hero). We were having a wonderful day together, but there is always the shadow hanging over it, eh? And I hope this description doesn't paint a picture of M as some kind of conniving Thai female who is playing the farang for the quick score. They do that here, accompanied with lies and more lies. She's very up-front with me about it, that's her hallmark, and I'm totally appreciative of the honesty (not that I couldn't do with a little window of ignorance and peace for a couple of days, but I digress.
So yeah, there isn't even a two day period when I can disappear into the fantasy of having a person who I love and who loves me. Things happen quicker than that, and it got absurd to the point of being funny, not funny haha, but funny nonetheless. (in a kind of unfunny way). Yeah, it became part of the shtick. And in a surprising twist, she got jealous of me when she thought I was staring at this woman who was in the bar. Turned out to be C, the tango dancer from a few weeks ago, who shows up from time to time with a friend of hers. I spoke to her for a minute, made eye contact from the stage a few times, and M got into jealous mode. Surprising, and kinda strange, given what she puts me through on a regular basis. And there's nothing between C and me, though there could have been at one time, so I don't get too bent out of shape about M being jealous. I figure maybe it's just a delayed perception to something that coulda happened a few weeks ago... Karma, for lack of a better word.
Anyhow, all of this is mere background to this morning's revelation, which was more or less as follows: M is talking about someone who can take care of her. And the fact of the matter is that I need someone to take care of me too. Let's do the equation... P (provider) multiplied by C (care needed) equals PC (perfect couple) (as if, but I digress)
C times C equals CC (cash crunch?) (can't commit?) (connection crisis?) I'm sure I could go on, but I think you get the point.
So yeah, this scenario dovetails nicely with my long time arc, a 'lifetime non-achievement award', if you will. And I'm not putting myself down here, or suffering with regret. It is what it is, and I made my choices and I live with my choices, and I even pretty much trust my choices. And who's to say that if I was a rich guy with a fat portfolio, that it would be good to take care of her and live happily ever after. Life doesn't work that way, does it? This is the story, these are the characters, here is the back-story, 321, action!
The people who know me well understand that I've spent quite a bit of time struggling with the success/failure motif over the decades. You know how it goes, guys are supposed to make a lot of money, use power tools, have a bunch of stuff, build a house and be a good ... (wait for it) ... 'provider'. It's so strong in our culture, maybe other cultures as well, not really sure. And I have consciously and unconsciously avoided, rejected, spurned and tried to eradicate that role for myself. (and suffered much anguish along the journey). But I've always tried to be true, true to myself, true to life, true to my beliefs, true to the people I meet. And I have to give myself some credit for that. I don't provide money and stability. I do provide artistry, kindness, compassion, magic, humor, a spark, wisdom (I want to slip 'great sex' into the list, but it's slightly out of context, so I won't allude to it, except parenthetically), uh where was I, I provide the willingness to engage, to tell the truth, to connect, to celebrate this life journey. And I don't feel regrets at the moment. The truth is the truth, and I believe that I'm in service to it. Well maybe some regrets, like in the song My Way... (Paul Anka) (played at every New York Mafiosi funeral for the past 30 years)
"Regrets, I've had a few, but then again, too few to mention" (I think it's a great sentiment, great line)
And I thank my teacher M whose extraordinary honesty has given me a chance to uncover parts of my soul, tears, laughter and all.
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