I taught three students today at the Guest House, each one different, a nice way to spend a few hours by the pool. Dave (65 from USA, living in Thailand) is working on writing a song, and he needed some ideas for how to open it up a bit and get away from just three chords. I gave him a bunch of possibilities to mess around with; here's how you could use the relative minor, here's what it would sound like to go to the lll chord minor a la 'Suzanne takes you down...', here's what you could do with the flat V11 chord to the 1Vchord to the 1chord, here's how it could sound if you use the minor 1V chord to resolve back home a la In My Life (Beatles) Stuff like that and he ate it up. If you don't know it, it's like, 'WOW'. If you do know it, it's standard issue songwriting, but someone needs to turn you onto it, and then you know... Dominic (62 from Canada, now living here) is a pretty good player who likes that old time stuff, but isn't yet comfortable with the use of the diminished chord, so I gave him two songs to work on: Paper Moon and Cheek to Cheek, both great songs with fairly challenging progressions, but stuff he can handle. He loved it and can't wait to go home and get comfortable with the material. Clo (25 from France, living in Scotland) is a beginner who is starting to finger pick and is very motivated to be a guitar player. It's great to work with different people and to get the equivalent of 3 days pay for a few hours by the pool. Crazy.
Pretty good night gigging in the bar last night, best song turned out to be 'Up on Cripple Creek' by the Band, as some guys stepped forward to belt out some harmonies and we got pretty funky with it. I'm also loving 'You Don't Know Me' which also sounded great. 'Talent Show' is part of the set as well, digging that song. Bhang Lassie gets a great response every time as well. Jeff has us playing the early part of the night, which is fine, but the stuff we're doing is way more interesting and swinging than what comes after, but hey, it doesn't matter, happy to have the gigs.
M and I had a really nice day today, including getting up early to go and get bus tickets for tomorrow's 5 hour ride to Sukhothai. Then we came back, she slept, I taught, had a little visit in the middle of the afternoon, some food, coffee and off she goes to work. Such is the rhythm. I'll be in the bar late tonight playing bass for Apple's set, then get out of there by 1am to get some sleep. She'll follow when her shift ends around 3am, get some sleep and we'll be on a bus at 12:45 pm heading south. Looking forward to something different.
Back still bothering me periodically, and I realize it has something to do with playing guitar, it's putting some kind of stress there when I play, so I'll need to get that figured out (as well as massaged). I'm getting more massages during this period of time than I've had in the rest of my life to date, and that is clearly one of the perks of living here. It's a beautiful thing, and hey, if I can help the local economy, it would be selfish of me to refuse, right?
Well it's 6:30pm, beginning to get dark, the weather is perfect (again) it's great to be in northern Thailand. And off we go....
Immigration situation....
Well, it was time to make a decision or two, since my two month stay was coming to an end in a couple of days. The options were to leave the country, or go to immigration here in Chiang Mai and apply for a one month extension. I was kinda waiting to see where things were at between M and I, as she is a large part of the story for me here. And once again, we found it within us to stay with it, in this case it was her making a move in my direction, which apparently is unusual for her. She said,'I never do this', referring to the idea that once things go south for her, that's it, she's gone. And I've had the same reaction over the weeks and months, surprising myself by wanting to go back for more. Is it maturity or co-dependence? (discuss...) Probably a little bit of both actually....
I got a good tip from an AA friend of mine who saw my behavior in the previous post as classic Al Anon material. He said that one of the things you learn in Al Anon is to never get between an alcoholic and the alcohol, which is exactly what I was doing. (If you love me, you won't have that next beer). Somehow I knew it was a losing philosophy, but whatever ego or self-importance or need I had seemed to win out... with predictable results. Once again I see that when I want to make it all about her, it's often all about me. (the pot called the kettle metal). And M lied when put in that situation, but the fault was not only hers.
So live and learn, and there is a lot of both going on these days. I still think it's worth the investment of time and energy to be here, to be part of this scene, teaching students, playing gigs, working stuff out with M, experiencing the emotional swings (and misses) (baseball analogy). We had a night apart, a conversation the next day, some new depth of understanding, and on we go.... (today:-)
And there is some stuff in the offing, as she asked for and got a day off this coming Monday so we could take a little road trip for the first time together. There is a place a few hours south of here called Sukhothai which has ruins, lots of history and a famous giant Buddha statue which M would love to visit. She's never been there so on Sunday we'll take a bus ride, get a room for a couple of nights and see the sights. It sounds phenomenal to break up the routine, see some new places, rent bikes or scooters, tour around and get to hang out without the inevitable 'I have to work' as part of the equation.
In order to make it happen, I had to extend my visa today, Friday, so I grabbed my passport, some reading material and money, figuring it could be an all-day slog over at immigration. Got some advice from a friend Toby... (when you get there, go immediately to your right to get a number, before filling out the forms etc. Then go back behind the building to get your documents copied and a photo taken. By the time you're done, you'll have saved half an hour or so). I did it, and when I got back, my number was actually being called. Had to race through filling in the form, got it done, signed some papers, paid the $70 and was out of there within 40 minutes. Amazing!. Walked the few miles back to town feeling pretty spry about it all. Got a gig tonight at CU, a student tomorrow morning, a road trip the following day and permission to be in Thailand until Feb 28. Then I'll have a week before flying out of Bangkok, so that will be the window to go and see Angkor Wat and Phnom Penh most likely... though who can say?
I got a good tip from an AA friend of mine who saw my behavior in the previous post as classic Al Anon material. He said that one of the things you learn in Al Anon is to never get between an alcoholic and the alcohol, which is exactly what I was doing. (If you love me, you won't have that next beer). Somehow I knew it was a losing philosophy, but whatever ego or self-importance or need I had seemed to win out... with predictable results. Once again I see that when I want to make it all about her, it's often all about me. (the pot called the kettle metal). And M lied when put in that situation, but the fault was not only hers.
So live and learn, and there is a lot of both going on these days. I still think it's worth the investment of time and energy to be here, to be part of this scene, teaching students, playing gigs, working stuff out with M, experiencing the emotional swings (and misses) (baseball analogy). We had a night apart, a conversation the next day, some new depth of understanding, and on we go.... (today:-)
And there is some stuff in the offing, as she asked for and got a day off this coming Monday so we could take a little road trip for the first time together. There is a place a few hours south of here called Sukhothai which has ruins, lots of history and a famous giant Buddha statue which M would love to visit. She's never been there so on Sunday we'll take a bus ride, get a room for a couple of nights and see the sights. It sounds phenomenal to break up the routine, see some new places, rent bikes or scooters, tour around and get to hang out without the inevitable 'I have to work' as part of the equation.
In order to make it happen, I had to extend my visa today, Friday, so I grabbed my passport, some reading material and money, figuring it could be an all-day slog over at immigration. Got some advice from a friend Toby... (when you get there, go immediately to your right to get a number, before filling out the forms etc. Then go back behind the building to get your documents copied and a photo taken. By the time you're done, you'll have saved half an hour or so). I did it, and when I got back, my number was actually being called. Had to race through filling in the form, got it done, signed some papers, paid the $70 and was out of there within 40 minutes. Amazing!. Walked the few miles back to town feeling pretty spry about it all. Got a gig tonight at CU, a student tomorrow morning, a road trip the following day and permission to be in Thailand until Feb 28. Then I'll have a week before flying out of Bangkok, so that will be the window to go and see Angkor Wat and Phnom Penh most likely... though who can say?
Prescient?
More twists and turns along the way, something feels a bit different today....
Yesterday's post was entitled 'House of Cards' and it was about the fragile nature of relationships here in Thailand, how quickly the sands can change. And then last night we had yet another incident, a minor one at that, but maybe not as minor as it seemed. As I say, it feels a little different today.
M and I get along great, and the only thing we seem to clash on is 'alcohol', she likes it, I don't. Though of course, there is a part of her that wants to stop, 'of course' she'll say from time to time, and 'she can stop when she wants to', I've heard that a lot. Whether or not she's an 'alcoholic' has been a question in my mind over the time we've been together; is it situational, the fact that she's working in a bar, or is it really a fundamental part of her make up?
Normally she'll come over after work, 5 or so beers in, and she's certainly coherent, 'not drunk', but I can tell that she's doing her best to act straight. She'd like to giggle or whatever, but she tries to play it sober. But last night, something happened that was different, she lied to my face for the first time, and that doesn't really cut it, as far as I'm concerned. It's that 'integrity piece' which I count on her for, which I prize heavily, and if that's not gonna be there, uh, could be time to split.
We had had a great day together, and as part of it, I once again brought up the 'are you willing to try' conversation, in this case, 'could you keep it to 3 beers for the night?' For me, it has to do with 'if you love me, as you say you do, if you want to 'take care' of me, as you say you do, well, the way to take care of me is to not be drinking heavily when we're gonna be together'. She doesn't drink during the day ever, but work is a different thing. She said that OK she'd have only 3 beers.
I played all night at the bar, kinda kept tabs on her consumption, she was doing good and then it's late and here comes beer number 4. I asked her about it and she was like 'you can see I'm not drunk, I'm working hard etc'. I say, so that's it then, no more after that? And she intimates that number 5 is on the way. But you said three, and now it's four. Will you please stop. She agreed, with some reluctance. A few of us were sitting around at the end of the night, M is washing the glasses behind the bar, and I notice that she's got another beer going. I go back and say, what's this? She said her boss bought it for her for Chinese New Year, and I'm like 'WTF!' though I didn't say that or raise my voice, but was definitely unhappy about it.
I went to the boss, Dow, and asked to speak with her outside for a second. She and I have a good relationship, and I wanted to ask her, why would you be buying her drinks when you know she's got a drinking problem? Dow said she didn't buy her the drink, M had asked her to open the bottle for her as her hands were wet from the dishes. So it was a lie, it was a way to get that 5th beer which apparently took precedence over whatever agreement she had made with me.
And yes, I know it's apples and oranges, or perhaps mangos and beers, the two sides of the equation don't have much to do with one another when addiction is on one of the sides. For me to expect her to stop her drinking in order to make me happy is a bit of a fool's game, or at least deluded on my part, because it doesn't work like that. She can 'try' (one of her favorite words), but that word has a built in excuse, 'hey, I tried...' but when it comes to drinking, there's some kind of need or pathology or other deep seated motivation that trumps whatever little agreements we might try to make. I get that. But hey, what am I supposed to do? Got to 'try' something (he said ironically)
I think relationships are hard enough between two people, and when you add a third character like 'alcohol' or alcoholism to the mix, all bets are off. The agreements and negotiations and plans that one makes with one's partner become 'inoperative' to recall Ron Ziegler's characterization of Nixon's er lies on the subject of Watergate.
And for the first time, my honest Thai Girlfriend, 'I tell the truth' 'I never lie to you' was cought in a lie, around alcohol, not surprisingly. And I could ignore it or let it go, or not be too put out by it, she wasn't 'drunk' after all, she was maintaining just fine, it could have been fine back at my place after the shift, but there's something about honesty that is at the heart of what we've got going here, and the fact that she would lie to me and say, 'hey my boss bought me this drink' as a way to justify changing the game, uh, that's a serious breach for me. I quietly said, that 'I'll sleep alone tonight' and took off, feeling OK actually, not too put out, not too worried that she'll go to the bar and get hammered, or call her ex or whatever, and not too holier than thou either, but something shifted for me.
I think I 'get' that yeah, she is alcoholic, and I suppose I would define that as the 'alcohol trumps the agreements' between you and the one you 'love' (allegedly), though yes, I do believe that she loves me. And I think that I was naive to hope that she could cut down on her consumption to give me what I need. She did on some occassions, felt good about herself, I felt good about her, it's better when she's sober or close to it. And I certainly don't want to be her monitor or house arrest officer, but I guess there's an element of that if I can't hack her drinking as much as she'd want to. Not a good situation. Not a stable situation.
You could make the case that I'm looking for an exit strategy, that my own fear of commitment will find a good justification for getting out, moving on, and maybe there is some truth to that. I've got fears about my long term ability to maintain a relationship, so perhaps this is a good way for me to rationalize a departure, 'I can't trust her any more, she's an alcoholic etc' (it's not my fault?). I think it's definitely worth considering that scenario, maybe I set it all up to make myself the OK one. So I have that as part of the mix. Hard to know how the pie is divided.
But I feel pretty OK today, not desperate or needy or much of anything, just watching the drama unfold. And interestingly, I have a visa situation to deal with by the 29th of this month, 5 days away. If I want to stay in Thailand, I'd need to apply at the embassy for a 30 day extension of my visa, costs about $70, well worth it if I want to be here. Or if it's time to move out, I just cross the border into another adventure, I'm thinking Siem Riep, Cambodia, the home of the amazing Angkor Wat temple complex which is some kind of other-worldly fantasy land from a thousand years ago. The photos are mind-boggling and I've got the urge to head in that direction if I leave Thailand.
Speaking of $70 (2000 Baht), I had taken that amount and put it in a red envelope as a Chinese New Year gift to M, put it under the sheet for her to find when she got into bed last night (after her 3 beer night, sabes?) Ya know, you take care of me, I take care of you sort of thing. So when I came home alone after our little incident, I opened the envelope, put the money back in my wallet, threw away the 'I love you' card and went to sleep. I'm not throwing away the 'I love you', but for some reason I persist in the idea that we need to 'take care of each other', in the way that the other needs. Deluded? Probably... OK definitely...
There ya go, telenovela fans, enjoy. And I leave this post with the realization that I'm quite calm about it all (at this moment, anythow) If things go a certain way, OK, if they go a different way, OK. Perhaps it's that 'middle path' that the Buddhists talk about. Not too high, not too low...
Yesterday's post was entitled 'House of Cards' and it was about the fragile nature of relationships here in Thailand, how quickly the sands can change. And then last night we had yet another incident, a minor one at that, but maybe not as minor as it seemed. As I say, it feels a little different today.
M and I get along great, and the only thing we seem to clash on is 'alcohol', she likes it, I don't. Though of course, there is a part of her that wants to stop, 'of course' she'll say from time to time, and 'she can stop when she wants to', I've heard that a lot. Whether or not she's an 'alcoholic' has been a question in my mind over the time we've been together; is it situational, the fact that she's working in a bar, or is it really a fundamental part of her make up?
Normally she'll come over after work, 5 or so beers in, and she's certainly coherent, 'not drunk', but I can tell that she's doing her best to act straight. She'd like to giggle or whatever, but she tries to play it sober. But last night, something happened that was different, she lied to my face for the first time, and that doesn't really cut it, as far as I'm concerned. It's that 'integrity piece' which I count on her for, which I prize heavily, and if that's not gonna be there, uh, could be time to split.
We had had a great day together, and as part of it, I once again brought up the 'are you willing to try' conversation, in this case, 'could you keep it to 3 beers for the night?' For me, it has to do with 'if you love me, as you say you do, if you want to 'take care' of me, as you say you do, well, the way to take care of me is to not be drinking heavily when we're gonna be together'. She doesn't drink during the day ever, but work is a different thing. She said that OK she'd have only 3 beers.
I played all night at the bar, kinda kept tabs on her consumption, she was doing good and then it's late and here comes beer number 4. I asked her about it and she was like 'you can see I'm not drunk, I'm working hard etc'. I say, so that's it then, no more after that? And she intimates that number 5 is on the way. But you said three, and now it's four. Will you please stop. She agreed, with some reluctance. A few of us were sitting around at the end of the night, M is washing the glasses behind the bar, and I notice that she's got another beer going. I go back and say, what's this? She said her boss bought it for her for Chinese New Year, and I'm like 'WTF!' though I didn't say that or raise my voice, but was definitely unhappy about it.
I went to the boss, Dow, and asked to speak with her outside for a second. She and I have a good relationship, and I wanted to ask her, why would you be buying her drinks when you know she's got a drinking problem? Dow said she didn't buy her the drink, M had asked her to open the bottle for her as her hands were wet from the dishes. So it was a lie, it was a way to get that 5th beer which apparently took precedence over whatever agreement she had made with me.
And yes, I know it's apples and oranges, or perhaps mangos and beers, the two sides of the equation don't have much to do with one another when addiction is on one of the sides. For me to expect her to stop her drinking in order to make me happy is a bit of a fool's game, or at least deluded on my part, because it doesn't work like that. She can 'try' (one of her favorite words), but that word has a built in excuse, 'hey, I tried...' but when it comes to drinking, there's some kind of need or pathology or other deep seated motivation that trumps whatever little agreements we might try to make. I get that. But hey, what am I supposed to do? Got to 'try' something (he said ironically)
I think relationships are hard enough between two people, and when you add a third character like 'alcohol' or alcoholism to the mix, all bets are off. The agreements and negotiations and plans that one makes with one's partner become 'inoperative' to recall Ron Ziegler's characterization of Nixon's er lies on the subject of Watergate.
And for the first time, my honest Thai Girlfriend, 'I tell the truth' 'I never lie to you' was cought in a lie, around alcohol, not surprisingly. And I could ignore it or let it go, or not be too put out by it, she wasn't 'drunk' after all, she was maintaining just fine, it could have been fine back at my place after the shift, but there's something about honesty that is at the heart of what we've got going here, and the fact that she would lie to me and say, 'hey my boss bought me this drink' as a way to justify changing the game, uh, that's a serious breach for me. I quietly said, that 'I'll sleep alone tonight' and took off, feeling OK actually, not too put out, not too worried that she'll go to the bar and get hammered, or call her ex or whatever, and not too holier than thou either, but something shifted for me.
I think I 'get' that yeah, she is alcoholic, and I suppose I would define that as the 'alcohol trumps the agreements' between you and the one you 'love' (allegedly), though yes, I do believe that she loves me. And I think that I was naive to hope that she could cut down on her consumption to give me what I need. She did on some occassions, felt good about herself, I felt good about her, it's better when she's sober or close to it. And I certainly don't want to be her monitor or house arrest officer, but I guess there's an element of that if I can't hack her drinking as much as she'd want to. Not a good situation. Not a stable situation.
You could make the case that I'm looking for an exit strategy, that my own fear of commitment will find a good justification for getting out, moving on, and maybe there is some truth to that. I've got fears about my long term ability to maintain a relationship, so perhaps this is a good way for me to rationalize a departure, 'I can't trust her any more, she's an alcoholic etc' (it's not my fault?). I think it's definitely worth considering that scenario, maybe I set it all up to make myself the OK one. So I have that as part of the mix. Hard to know how the pie is divided.
But I feel pretty OK today, not desperate or needy or much of anything, just watching the drama unfold. And interestingly, I have a visa situation to deal with by the 29th of this month, 5 days away. If I want to stay in Thailand, I'd need to apply at the embassy for a 30 day extension of my visa, costs about $70, well worth it if I want to be here. Or if it's time to move out, I just cross the border into another adventure, I'm thinking Siem Riep, Cambodia, the home of the amazing Angkor Wat temple complex which is some kind of other-worldly fantasy land from a thousand years ago. The photos are mind-boggling and I've got the urge to head in that direction if I leave Thailand.
Speaking of $70 (2000 Baht), I had taken that amount and put it in a red envelope as a Chinese New Year gift to M, put it under the sheet for her to find when she got into bed last night (after her 3 beer night, sabes?) Ya know, you take care of me, I take care of you sort of thing. So when I came home alone after our little incident, I opened the envelope, put the money back in my wallet, threw away the 'I love you' card and went to sleep. I'm not throwing away the 'I love you', but for some reason I persist in the idea that we need to 'take care of each other', in the way that the other needs. Deluded? Probably... OK definitely...
There ya go, telenovela fans, enjoy. And I leave this post with the realization that I'm quite calm about it all (at this moment, anythow) If things go a certain way, OK, if they go a different way, OK. Perhaps it's that 'middle path' that the Buddhists talk about. Not too high, not too low...
House of Cards....
I was talking with my buddy J this morning over coffee, and we have seemed to evolve our friendship into a mini men's group in which we are safe to share some of the misgivings about life and romance in Thailand. Even though our circumstances are quite different, at heart they are the same, and it's good to have a mirror and sympathetic friend to process with. We both are East Coast guys with a certain way of looking at the world, that mix of intelligence and cynicism (and vocabulary) that is refreshing to encounter over here. So yeah, there is a type of gravity that brings us together every few days to check in, commiserate and support one another. In short, a friend.
And we had a brief visit today, but it seemed to spark a thought that I'll try to express on the blog. I started expressing it to him, and realized that I had happened upon a thought that I hadn't expressed much in this forum, so here goes. It's that here in Thailand, it's as if we are living atop a Jenga stack, where at any moment, a stick can be pulled out and it all crashes to the ground. It's the house of cards, baby, one false step and we're flat down on the table.
Thing is, our minds have a hard time accepting that reality; it doesn't quite jibe with our desire of order, predictability, 'as ye sow, so shall ye reap' indoctrination. I think that we're brought up in the west to see the world as something we can control, we can manage, put our stamp on, get what we deserve, our just desserts, if you will. (I'll 'just' have the sorbet, he tried weakly). Where was I? It's the way we're raised, to believe that we have quite a bit of control over outcomes.... so that when things don't go as expected, when 'bad things happen to good people', it's seen as some kind of anomaly and it shakes the foundation. But I eat right, I exercise, how did I get this heart attack, it's not fair.
I'll wager that a large percentage of clergy time is spent wrestling with this very question. 'How could this happen? Doesn't God love me? We don't deserve this' (as if we deserve a universe in which our actions are some kind of insurance against calamity. Ah, it would be nice to think so, and yeah, we do think so, but perhaps at our psychological peril.
Maybe that idea of order and 'deserving' is some kind of myth, one that keeps us in line, keeps our nose to the grindstone, keeps us inside the box, fearful of upsetting the apple cart. It's what I rebelled against from an early age, the idea that you have to get good grades to get into a good school to get a good job to make a lot of money to make it to retirement etc etc. My brother Mick came across a Social Studies test that I failed in high school in which I laid out that scenario, with a few 'F bombs' thrown in, I hadn't prepared for the test and was sitting there in Miss Parmet's class, surrounded by everyone else feverishly writing about US foreign policy, while I worked up a righteous rage about the idiocy of getting good grades to get a good GPA to get into a good school on and on, that ended with 'TO MAKE A LOT OF FUCKING MONEY! I followed up with 'It makes me sick' Of course I got the F, along with a visit next morning from the guidance counselor who asked me if everything was all right. And cheeky me, I asked if he liked what I wrote... (early blogging I suppose:-)
And the reason that I'm on this topic today is that Farang life over here is so transitory, so wind-tossed, so unpredictable that all of our desire for stability, just desserts and the like is almost laughable. For one thing, we're here at the whim of the Thai government, they could pull the visas at any time, strike one. We get involved in these relationships with women from a different culture, and though we want it to be like we want it to be, uh brother, good luck with that. There is a nearly constant battle between what we want as opposed to a more objective appraisal of what is going down. In my case, that manifested in a crazy period of back and forth, I'm here, I'm gone, I'm here, I'm gone until I got sick of writing about it. It gets embarassing after awhile. strike two.
And the sex is great, and when it's great my mind creates some kind of a world in which that's the reality, and the most important thing and life is good and let's keep it going. It's as though something chemical happens (and I'm sure that it does) which makes the mind create a picture with a future and rainbows and sunsets over the water. I deserve this, right? And then when stuff happens that doesn't correspond to the rose colored universe, it's suddenly shaky and dangerous and 'what the hell am I doing here?'. strike two and a half... (aha, I'm not ready to strike out yet :-)
Dylan had that line in 'Forever Young' which I always related to. 'May you have a strong foundation when the winds of changes shift' We're not in control, we have some control over our selves, but only within the context of a shifting universe. I think I get it, I think I understand it and know how to ride the winds. It's not easy or without emotional peril. And it seems like a realistic way to be here and now. I give love, I receive love, I pay attention, hope for the best, but keep one eye open, keep my passport close at hand. Staying light, ready to balance on that jenga stack in the wind.
And we had a brief visit today, but it seemed to spark a thought that I'll try to express on the blog. I started expressing it to him, and realized that I had happened upon a thought that I hadn't expressed much in this forum, so here goes. It's that here in Thailand, it's as if we are living atop a Jenga stack, where at any moment, a stick can be pulled out and it all crashes to the ground. It's the house of cards, baby, one false step and we're flat down on the table.
Thing is, our minds have a hard time accepting that reality; it doesn't quite jibe with our desire of order, predictability, 'as ye sow, so shall ye reap' indoctrination. I think that we're brought up in the west to see the world as something we can control, we can manage, put our stamp on, get what we deserve, our just desserts, if you will. (I'll 'just' have the sorbet, he tried weakly). Where was I? It's the way we're raised, to believe that we have quite a bit of control over outcomes.... so that when things don't go as expected, when 'bad things happen to good people', it's seen as some kind of anomaly and it shakes the foundation. But I eat right, I exercise, how did I get this heart attack, it's not fair.
I'll wager that a large percentage of clergy time is spent wrestling with this very question. 'How could this happen? Doesn't God love me? We don't deserve this' (as if we deserve a universe in which our actions are some kind of insurance against calamity. Ah, it would be nice to think so, and yeah, we do think so, but perhaps at our psychological peril.
Maybe that idea of order and 'deserving' is some kind of myth, one that keeps us in line, keeps our nose to the grindstone, keeps us inside the box, fearful of upsetting the apple cart. It's what I rebelled against from an early age, the idea that you have to get good grades to get into a good school to get a good job to make a lot of money to make it to retirement etc etc. My brother Mick came across a Social Studies test that I failed in high school in which I laid out that scenario, with a few 'F bombs' thrown in, I hadn't prepared for the test and was sitting there in Miss Parmet's class, surrounded by everyone else feverishly writing about US foreign policy, while I worked up a righteous rage about the idiocy of getting good grades to get a good GPA to get into a good school on and on, that ended with 'TO MAKE A LOT OF FUCKING MONEY! I followed up with 'It makes me sick' Of course I got the F, along with a visit next morning from the guidance counselor who asked me if everything was all right. And cheeky me, I asked if he liked what I wrote... (early blogging I suppose:-)
And the reason that I'm on this topic today is that Farang life over here is so transitory, so wind-tossed, so unpredictable that all of our desire for stability, just desserts and the like is almost laughable. For one thing, we're here at the whim of the Thai government, they could pull the visas at any time, strike one. We get involved in these relationships with women from a different culture, and though we want it to be like we want it to be, uh brother, good luck with that. There is a nearly constant battle between what we want as opposed to a more objective appraisal of what is going down. In my case, that manifested in a crazy period of back and forth, I'm here, I'm gone, I'm here, I'm gone until I got sick of writing about it. It gets embarassing after awhile. strike two.
And the sex is great, and when it's great my mind creates some kind of a world in which that's the reality, and the most important thing and life is good and let's keep it going. It's as though something chemical happens (and I'm sure that it does) which makes the mind create a picture with a future and rainbows and sunsets over the water. I deserve this, right? And then when stuff happens that doesn't correspond to the rose colored universe, it's suddenly shaky and dangerous and 'what the hell am I doing here?'. strike two and a half... (aha, I'm not ready to strike out yet :-)
Dylan had that line in 'Forever Young' which I always related to. 'May you have a strong foundation when the winds of changes shift' We're not in control, we have some control over our selves, but only within the context of a shifting universe. I think I get it, I think I understand it and know how to ride the winds. It's not easy or without emotional peril. And it seems like a realistic way to be here and now. I give love, I receive love, I pay attention, hope for the best, but keep one eye open, keep my passport close at hand. Staying light, ready to balance on that jenga stack in the wind.
Happy New Year! (of the Dragon!)
Big day in Chiang Mai yesterday, beginning at 8am when M and I were awakened by a call from her sister. We had gotten to sleep around 4am, so yeah, it was a little early, but her sis called to remind her that it was Chinese New Year, and that she should get herself to the Chinese temple to make an offering, light some incense sticks and say some prayers. They come from a large Chinese/Thai family in Bangkok (10 children, M was number 9), and this is a day to remember the past, connect with the ancestors etc. So off we went.
But not before a little morning cappuccino with Noi, a little coffee visit with my friend Harris and his sister Rachel who just showed up, but soon we were on our way. We walked over to Chinatown, which is the location of the big market area about a mile to the northeast of us. The place is always buzzing, and even more so during the new year. Many vendors were set up in the street, red lanterns and banners were hung from wires and buildings, firecrackers were going off, and M tells me that the firecrackers are a way to signal to the ancestors that we're thinking of them, and please think of us too from the great beyond.
First stop was a street jeweler, because she had bought me a Buddha pendant and wanted him to place it in a clear locket that I could wear around my neck. We chose one, and I picked a beaded chain to hang it from, then the jeweler put it together for us. What a lovely gift! I love it and plan to wear it regularly. Feels good around my neck.
We came to the Chinese temple, canned music playing, lanterns waving in the breeze (and the electric fan), smoke everywhere as part of the ritual is to light incense and offer it to a number of different altars which are set up. We bought some incense, removed our shoes and went altar to altar, getting down on our knees, hands in prayer position, asking for safety and protection, and good things for the coming year. M made a donation to the fund that provides assistance to those in need, and we made our exit in about twenty minutes time. (a lovely way to begin the day, yes?)
One of the traditions of the holiday is to buy some new clothing for the new year, and I was delighted to take her on a little shopping spree. Girlfriend does like to shop, she's got a good eye. But after a certain point, I have this goof of shielding her eyes as we're walking through the market (otherwise it will be hours and hours:-). I bought her a pair of jeans, and a couple of new tops, and she was very appreciative. It was really a sweet way to begin the year.
Last night we went back to Chinatown to have some food and see the dragon dancing and climbing the tower. For M it was a total flashback to her childhood, as she is so busy these days that she rarely gets to experience much of Chinese culture. But since new year came on her Sunday off, we got to celebrate it big time. We bought some Chinese food (nothing like 'Chinese Food' in the US, by the way). We shared a thick soup containing mushrooms, bamboo shoots, and something which had the consistency of whale snot, kinda gooey and chewy, maybe a tofu product of some sort. It was all real tasty. And then a spicy papaya salad and these delicious sweet rice concoctions with pork, egg, mushrooms, peanuts and other goodies, all wrapped in a banana leaf. Serious comfort food, Chinese style, and M was telling me how her mom made the best ones of these ever.
The only negative on the day was that at the temple she grabbed a fortune card and said that the numbers were bad, and that her happiness now will be short-lived with sadness to follow. (and as anyone in a relationship with me can tell you, that could be an accurate prognostication). So yeah, that's a little damper on the day, and I'm trying not to give it a lot of credence, and of course the more I would try, the more true it seems to be.... Ah well, it's just some numbers on a piece of paper, right (he said with zero conviction).
But there was even bigger news in the 8am call from her sister. This is a sister who lives outside of Bangkok and is the only family member who M is connected to. (I don't know her name, or can't remember it). This sister never married, no kids, was the main caretaker for the mom when she got sick and eventually died. Sister is having some mobility problems, finding it difficult to walk and M has been wondering if she needs to change her life and go care for her. The sister's news is that she wants to sell her place in Bangkok and relocate to Chiang Mai... (to take care of M, ironically). M is 'alone with no one to take care of you' according to the sis. She has money and wants to buy a place, have a little business that she and M can operate, and she wants to do it soon.
For me this is a big Wow! Somehow I felt that it was up to me to help her get out of the bar gig. She is working very hard, it's not the healthiest lifestyle, being around drunks all the time, and I see that it needs to change, but how to make it happen? Suddenly I can see a way for her to transition into the next phase, and there are so many things that are right about it. She needs family, feels alone, wants to take care of her sister, needs some healing from what sounded like a brutal upbringing, and here comes her older sister with a New Year's Day plan. I think it's momentous, and I'm very happy about it. (and also about the fact that it's not up to me to initiate the change... I don't think I have it in me to be THAT person... But I can be this person.... Happy New Year (again)
But not before a little morning cappuccino with Noi, a little coffee visit with my friend Harris and his sister Rachel who just showed up, but soon we were on our way. We walked over to Chinatown, which is the location of the big market area about a mile to the northeast of us. The place is always buzzing, and even more so during the new year. Many vendors were set up in the street, red lanterns and banners were hung from wires and buildings, firecrackers were going off, and M tells me that the firecrackers are a way to signal to the ancestors that we're thinking of them, and please think of us too from the great beyond.
First stop was a street jeweler, because she had bought me a Buddha pendant and wanted him to place it in a clear locket that I could wear around my neck. We chose one, and I picked a beaded chain to hang it from, then the jeweler put it together for us. What a lovely gift! I love it and plan to wear it regularly. Feels good around my neck.
We came to the Chinese temple, canned music playing, lanterns waving in the breeze (and the electric fan), smoke everywhere as part of the ritual is to light incense and offer it to a number of different altars which are set up. We bought some incense, removed our shoes and went altar to altar, getting down on our knees, hands in prayer position, asking for safety and protection, and good things for the coming year. M made a donation to the fund that provides assistance to those in need, and we made our exit in about twenty minutes time. (a lovely way to begin the day, yes?)
One of the traditions of the holiday is to buy some new clothing for the new year, and I was delighted to take her on a little shopping spree. Girlfriend does like to shop, she's got a good eye. But after a certain point, I have this goof of shielding her eyes as we're walking through the market (otherwise it will be hours and hours:-). I bought her a pair of jeans, and a couple of new tops, and she was very appreciative. It was really a sweet way to begin the year.
Last night we went back to Chinatown to have some food and see the dragon dancing and climbing the tower. For M it was a total flashback to her childhood, as she is so busy these days that she rarely gets to experience much of Chinese culture. But since new year came on her Sunday off, we got to celebrate it big time. We bought some Chinese food (nothing like 'Chinese Food' in the US, by the way). We shared a thick soup containing mushrooms, bamboo shoots, and something which had the consistency of whale snot, kinda gooey and chewy, maybe a tofu product of some sort. It was all real tasty. And then a spicy papaya salad and these delicious sweet rice concoctions with pork, egg, mushrooms, peanuts and other goodies, all wrapped in a banana leaf. Serious comfort food, Chinese style, and M was telling me how her mom made the best ones of these ever.
The only negative on the day was that at the temple she grabbed a fortune card and said that the numbers were bad, and that her happiness now will be short-lived with sadness to follow. (and as anyone in a relationship with me can tell you, that could be an accurate prognostication). So yeah, that's a little damper on the day, and I'm trying not to give it a lot of credence, and of course the more I would try, the more true it seems to be.... Ah well, it's just some numbers on a piece of paper, right (he said with zero conviction).
But there was even bigger news in the 8am call from her sister. This is a sister who lives outside of Bangkok and is the only family member who M is connected to. (I don't know her name, or can't remember it). This sister never married, no kids, was the main caretaker for the mom when she got sick and eventually died. Sister is having some mobility problems, finding it difficult to walk and M has been wondering if she needs to change her life and go care for her. The sister's news is that she wants to sell her place in Bangkok and relocate to Chiang Mai... (to take care of M, ironically). M is 'alone with no one to take care of you' according to the sis. She has money and wants to buy a place, have a little business that she and M can operate, and she wants to do it soon.
For me this is a big Wow! Somehow I felt that it was up to me to help her get out of the bar gig. She is working very hard, it's not the healthiest lifestyle, being around drunks all the time, and I see that it needs to change, but how to make it happen? Suddenly I can see a way for her to transition into the next phase, and there are so many things that are right about it. She needs family, feels alone, wants to take care of her sister, needs some healing from what sounded like a brutal upbringing, and here comes her older sister with a New Year's Day plan. I think it's momentous, and I'm very happy about it. (and also about the fact that it's not up to me to initiate the change... I don't think I have it in me to be THAT person... But I can be this person.... Happy New Year (again)
Reveille Revelry Reverie
That first word, Reveille, is the name of that bugle call that wakes up the troops, and yeah, somehow the correct spelling was in my reservoir, though I did consult Senor Google to be sure. (Gracias Senor Google). And is there any deep meaning attached to today's title? Perhaps... I'm feeling quite peaceful this noon hour, though I'm off my previous routine of up, coffee, internet, swim which served me so well for the first month in Chiang Mai. Felt the desire to shake things up, so I'm now less pinned to a specific schedule and more ready to let things unfold as they will.
But I did make my way down here to the internet place eventually, where I now sit and listen to the traffic whizzing by and prepare to dig in some... But it will likely be a short one as I'll be wanting to get back to the room, wake up M, go for our daily lunch around the corner, speak a little Thai, grab a cappuccino with her and then say farewell as she goes off to work and I go back to the Guest House to teach another ten dollar music lesson.
And now that I think about it, I realize that there are three daily stops where I've been establishing a kind of social routine, and as the weeks go by, I'm deriving more and more pleasure from the deepening understanding and connection at each place. First up is the cafe where Noi holds down the fort. It's just down the soi (street) from where I stay, and since my place only serves Nescafe (undrinkable for a coffee snob like me), I always start my day with a phenomenal cappuccino at Noi's place. (30 baht, but I always tip her an additional 10, for a grand total of $1.35). Best cappuccino ever as her brother runs a coffee plantation outside of town, so the coffee is fresh, local and great). But what makes the experience extraordinary is the cast of characters who are in and out of there on a daily basis.
Her friend Eck is a 38 year old waiter who works at a guest house nearby in the afternoons, but in the mornings he comes by the cafe to help out, play his guitar, do errands etc. He leaves his steel string at the cafe, so I tend to go in there and strum, sing some, add the ambience. Noi jokes that when I'm playing music, the coffee costs 50 baht because of the entertainment. (just part of the shtick). Eck loves what I do, asks me questions about music, and I show him stuff whenever he wants. His English is pretty limited and he tends to make up words in Thai while I'm singing, it's like we're doing an indecipherable duet when the music starts.
Noi has another friend Ooee, a cute 32 year old woman who just quit her massage job at a local spa. The money wasn't good enough. Her name is the exact sound from the song 'Sea Cruise' Ooee, ooee baby, won't you let me take you on a sea cruise. She's got a boyfriend who lives in Poland who will allegedly be back in a couple of months, ya never know, but you hear that story a lot. (Yeah, if I was single, Ooee and I would likely be having dinner together, know what I'm sayin'). Then there's Si, a gorgeous 26 year old who runs a little beauty salon. She's a regular before work, buzzes in, takes over, acts like a cute girl with that self-confident, gets-what-she-wants air about her. She's being wooed by a 50 year old Norwegian, Terry who also is a daily visitor. Good guy, good looking with blue eyes, ''we're just friends' is how he describes his thing with Si, but one gets the feeling that maybe there's more... (and that it will cost him an IPhone or the equivalent to seal the friendship, as it were)
The Italians show up for their daily espresso, some old Farangs show up for their daily cappuccino, a nice mix of locals and tourists with Noi at the center, a 46 year old single woman, extremely good humored, lots of laughter around her, as well as intelligence and kindness. She's the reason for the good energy, folks are drawn not only to her coffee, but to her. Here are a couple of local drivers who make their way in, we know each other by sight and exchange smiles and greetings. Eck starts singing the hook to my song 'Same Same', so I grab the guitar and start jamming. He loves that song, that Latin groove and makes me do it on a daily basis.
This morning I was in there with my Thai worksheets, wanting to practice some and he was playing a Thai song on guitar, so I started doing what he does to me, singing along, making up my own words over top of his playing. Oooee and Si were cracking up as I was singing my vocabulary lesson, the text was something like, 'Where are you going, do you love me, I love you, where am I' And then I grabbed the guitar and played a typical Thai style ballad but used the words I knew, and it was pretty darned entertaining to the group.... Hmmm, interesting possibilities....
Second stop on the daily tour is our lunch spot, where we tend to go most every day. It's 50 meters from the Guest House in the other direction, our buddy, I think his name is 'Poon' is the owner and cook and he has a woman assistant who serves the food and clears and washes the dishes. M and I are super comfortable there, lots of friendly banter, she is happy, I'm happy, the boss is happy, lots of laughter, and it's a place where I practice Thai, especially lately. Once again, the customers are a mix of Thai and Farang, and it feels really nice. There's something great about being a regular, as opposed to someone wandering in off the street. It's the relationships.... that sense of belonging.
And nowhere is that more obvious than at the evening spot, AKA the CU Corner. (M just bought me a CU t shirt from the shipment that just came in, and I love it). Talk about a one-act play, there are so many interesting characters it would be impossible to capture them all, but I see them most every day: Peter, sixty something ex-Navy guy, loves the lady boys, and is highly intelligent, great story teller, great appreciator of music. John, tall Irish guy living in Majorca where he captains a sailboat and earns his living taking tourists for cruises in the Mediterranean. We met last year, hit it off big time, same same this year. He's only here for a short time this year because there's a good gig back on Majorca in a couple of weeks and he needs to do it. Michael from Yorkshire, sixty something, loves music, loves Oot, a lovely thirty something Thai woman who he's doing his best to woo. She's a regular too. Vegas Bill, sixty something, always talking politics, sitting in the same seat night after night. Jeff and Dao running the show, people love them, they have great social skills and have created a place that folks keep coming back to. It's a gold mine at this point. It's on a street with about 4 other bars, and they do more business than the rest combined. It's the music, the crowd, the ambience, the waitress (M) people adore her, she's phenomenal.
And I have my place in the mix, even though I don't drink. I've been adding a ton of music to the place, two regular gigs, but lots of stints backing other people as well. I belong there, I have friends and laughs and as long as I get out of there before it gets too drunk and stupid, it's awesome... JUst got a call from a student who bought herself a guitar and wants to come for a lesson. That's two lessons today, it will pay for my daily expenses and then some... Nice! Time to wake up the lady sleeping in my bed and get on with our day.... Feeling really good about things at this moment....
But I did make my way down here to the internet place eventually, where I now sit and listen to the traffic whizzing by and prepare to dig in some... But it will likely be a short one as I'll be wanting to get back to the room, wake up M, go for our daily lunch around the corner, speak a little Thai, grab a cappuccino with her and then say farewell as she goes off to work and I go back to the Guest House to teach another ten dollar music lesson.
And now that I think about it, I realize that there are three daily stops where I've been establishing a kind of social routine, and as the weeks go by, I'm deriving more and more pleasure from the deepening understanding and connection at each place. First up is the cafe where Noi holds down the fort. It's just down the soi (street) from where I stay, and since my place only serves Nescafe (undrinkable for a coffee snob like me), I always start my day with a phenomenal cappuccino at Noi's place. (30 baht, but I always tip her an additional 10, for a grand total of $1.35). Best cappuccino ever as her brother runs a coffee plantation outside of town, so the coffee is fresh, local and great). But what makes the experience extraordinary is the cast of characters who are in and out of there on a daily basis.
Her friend Eck is a 38 year old waiter who works at a guest house nearby in the afternoons, but in the mornings he comes by the cafe to help out, play his guitar, do errands etc. He leaves his steel string at the cafe, so I tend to go in there and strum, sing some, add the ambience. Noi jokes that when I'm playing music, the coffee costs 50 baht because of the entertainment. (just part of the shtick). Eck loves what I do, asks me questions about music, and I show him stuff whenever he wants. His English is pretty limited and he tends to make up words in Thai while I'm singing, it's like we're doing an indecipherable duet when the music starts.
Noi has another friend Ooee, a cute 32 year old woman who just quit her massage job at a local spa. The money wasn't good enough. Her name is the exact sound from the song 'Sea Cruise' Ooee, ooee baby, won't you let me take you on a sea cruise. She's got a boyfriend who lives in Poland who will allegedly be back in a couple of months, ya never know, but you hear that story a lot. (Yeah, if I was single, Ooee and I would likely be having dinner together, know what I'm sayin'). Then there's Si, a gorgeous 26 year old who runs a little beauty salon. She's a regular before work, buzzes in, takes over, acts like a cute girl with that self-confident, gets-what-she-wants air about her. She's being wooed by a 50 year old Norwegian, Terry who also is a daily visitor. Good guy, good looking with blue eyes, ''we're just friends' is how he describes his thing with Si, but one gets the feeling that maybe there's more... (and that it will cost him an IPhone or the equivalent to seal the friendship, as it were)
The Italians show up for their daily espresso, some old Farangs show up for their daily cappuccino, a nice mix of locals and tourists with Noi at the center, a 46 year old single woman, extremely good humored, lots of laughter around her, as well as intelligence and kindness. She's the reason for the good energy, folks are drawn not only to her coffee, but to her. Here are a couple of local drivers who make their way in, we know each other by sight and exchange smiles and greetings. Eck starts singing the hook to my song 'Same Same', so I grab the guitar and start jamming. He loves that song, that Latin groove and makes me do it on a daily basis.
This morning I was in there with my Thai worksheets, wanting to practice some and he was playing a Thai song on guitar, so I started doing what he does to me, singing along, making up my own words over top of his playing. Oooee and Si were cracking up as I was singing my vocabulary lesson, the text was something like, 'Where are you going, do you love me, I love you, where am I' And then I grabbed the guitar and played a typical Thai style ballad but used the words I knew, and it was pretty darned entertaining to the group.... Hmmm, interesting possibilities....
Second stop on the daily tour is our lunch spot, where we tend to go most every day. It's 50 meters from the Guest House in the other direction, our buddy, I think his name is 'Poon' is the owner and cook and he has a woman assistant who serves the food and clears and washes the dishes. M and I are super comfortable there, lots of friendly banter, she is happy, I'm happy, the boss is happy, lots of laughter, and it's a place where I practice Thai, especially lately. Once again, the customers are a mix of Thai and Farang, and it feels really nice. There's something great about being a regular, as opposed to someone wandering in off the street. It's the relationships.... that sense of belonging.
And nowhere is that more obvious than at the evening spot, AKA the CU Corner. (M just bought me a CU t shirt from the shipment that just came in, and I love it). Talk about a one-act play, there are so many interesting characters it would be impossible to capture them all, but I see them most every day: Peter, sixty something ex-Navy guy, loves the lady boys, and is highly intelligent, great story teller, great appreciator of music. John, tall Irish guy living in Majorca where he captains a sailboat and earns his living taking tourists for cruises in the Mediterranean. We met last year, hit it off big time, same same this year. He's only here for a short time this year because there's a good gig back on Majorca in a couple of weeks and he needs to do it. Michael from Yorkshire, sixty something, loves music, loves Oot, a lovely thirty something Thai woman who he's doing his best to woo. She's a regular too. Vegas Bill, sixty something, always talking politics, sitting in the same seat night after night. Jeff and Dao running the show, people love them, they have great social skills and have created a place that folks keep coming back to. It's a gold mine at this point. It's on a street with about 4 other bars, and they do more business than the rest combined. It's the music, the crowd, the ambience, the waitress (M) people adore her, she's phenomenal.
And I have my place in the mix, even though I don't drink. I've been adding a ton of music to the place, two regular gigs, but lots of stints backing other people as well. I belong there, I have friends and laughs and as long as I get out of there before it gets too drunk and stupid, it's awesome... JUst got a call from a student who bought herself a guitar and wants to come for a lesson. That's two lessons today, it will pay for my daily expenses and then some... Nice! Time to wake up the lady sleeping in my bed and get on with our day.... Feeling really good about things at this moment....
But I thought I was so fucking good with languages
Got my first sense of getting just fucking pissed off at my inability to get a grasp on this language... and yes, I use the word 'fucking' to express frustration and self-anger. It's a sort of pressure release, though often people take it as a sign that I'm out of control... (stupid fuckers, but I digress). I've been feeling the need to make some progress in the language area; it became clear to me when I took a walk last week, ended up in a Thai's only part of town by the river, thought it was a nice place to sit on a bench and take in the scene, and then was utterly unable to say anything of consequence to the folks who were interested in me. (ordering fried rice with pork wasn't really much of an option, though I could have done that much)
M has been helping me recently, and we've been spending the last few lunches working on the language. She is a great teacher, works hard on my pronunciation, which is pretty good for a foreigner, I have the ability to mimic sounds well. But as far as recalling stuff an hour later, terrible. I'm starting to feel like those folks who just can't place it and retrieve it in the brain, the ones who are 'bad at languages' or who have no musical aptitude. I'm definitely unwilling to put myself in that group, but I have been getting a first hand look at what it feels like to be adrift and floundering and 'bad at languages'. (It couldn't have anything to do with my high expectations of myself and my immaturity as regards frustration, could it? No of course not!)
So I got some 3 by 5 index cards and have begun to write the Thai word or sentence on one side and the translation on the other side. This is a suggestion given to me by a friend Dominic who quizzes himself like this as part of his daily practice, and now it will become part of mine. He has a pile of cards and he goes through it frequently. If he gets the answer right, the card goes into one pile and he'll add a new one to the deck. That's the plan, and my goal is to be able to have the most rudimentary of conversations, where I'm going, what I need, who are you sort of stuff. Slowly slowly, he said without much conviction. I've got some good anger-fueled determination going now, and I plan on using it to make progress... to make some fucking progress, alright?
I've been accumulating more guitar students and I could see being able to nearly pay my way here if I put my mind to it (and steered clear of the authorities who would frown on a work permit-less Farang making money in Thailand. I tend to get about $10/lesson, which is nothing, but when you figure that many locals work all day for that $10, it takes on a different flavor. And my $10 is 'earned' sitting by the pool with a guitar in my hand... hmmmm where's the justice? I give a lot of music away for free, mind you. I've backed a lot of people on bass, have added quite a bit to the scene at CU Corner by being a focused and supportive accompanist to a wide array of 'talent', so I feel just fine about making some cash along with that.
At the moment, I'm at my guest house awaiting my newest student who is a woman around my age, recently moved here from Geneva. She watched me teach her French friend a lesson, and wanted to get in on it too. So we went to the guitar store, I helped he pick out an instrument and a tuner, and now she'll come by for her first lesson. Hope it works...
M and I are in a good phase and for the first time, she is making statements about definitely wanting to limit her drinking and wanting to 'do it for me'. This is new territory, up til now it's been more like, 'Accept me the way I am', (which I can't, sorry), but through a series of events, negative and positive, we seem to be evolving into something new. I surely don't believe it yet, there have been too many instances that set us back, but I'm still wanting to see this thing through. I guess I'm being dogged about it, (or am I just a dog?). Either way, after being alone for the past year in Oregon, it's nice to interact, struggle, love, work stuff out, communicate, learn, grow and try hard with another person. It could end in any kind of way; and there have been a few times when I'm ready to check the bus schedule and do something different, but I keep hanging in.... Aha, the student has arrived and I'm off to teach...
M has been helping me recently, and we've been spending the last few lunches working on the language. She is a great teacher, works hard on my pronunciation, which is pretty good for a foreigner, I have the ability to mimic sounds well. But as far as recalling stuff an hour later, terrible. I'm starting to feel like those folks who just can't place it and retrieve it in the brain, the ones who are 'bad at languages' or who have no musical aptitude. I'm definitely unwilling to put myself in that group, but I have been getting a first hand look at what it feels like to be adrift and floundering and 'bad at languages'. (It couldn't have anything to do with my high expectations of myself and my immaturity as regards frustration, could it? No of course not!)
So I got some 3 by 5 index cards and have begun to write the Thai word or sentence on one side and the translation on the other side. This is a suggestion given to me by a friend Dominic who quizzes himself like this as part of his daily practice, and now it will become part of mine. He has a pile of cards and he goes through it frequently. If he gets the answer right, the card goes into one pile and he'll add a new one to the deck. That's the plan, and my goal is to be able to have the most rudimentary of conversations, where I'm going, what I need, who are you sort of stuff. Slowly slowly, he said without much conviction. I've got some good anger-fueled determination going now, and I plan on using it to make progress... to make some fucking progress, alright?
I've been accumulating more guitar students and I could see being able to nearly pay my way here if I put my mind to it (and steered clear of the authorities who would frown on a work permit-less Farang making money in Thailand. I tend to get about $10/lesson, which is nothing, but when you figure that many locals work all day for that $10, it takes on a different flavor. And my $10 is 'earned' sitting by the pool with a guitar in my hand... hmmmm where's the justice? I give a lot of music away for free, mind you. I've backed a lot of people on bass, have added quite a bit to the scene at CU Corner by being a focused and supportive accompanist to a wide array of 'talent', so I feel just fine about making some cash along with that.
At the moment, I'm at my guest house awaiting my newest student who is a woman around my age, recently moved here from Geneva. She watched me teach her French friend a lesson, and wanted to get in on it too. So we went to the guitar store, I helped he pick out an instrument and a tuner, and now she'll come by for her first lesson. Hope it works...
M and I are in a good phase and for the first time, she is making statements about definitely wanting to limit her drinking and wanting to 'do it for me'. This is new territory, up til now it's been more like, 'Accept me the way I am', (which I can't, sorry), but through a series of events, negative and positive, we seem to be evolving into something new. I surely don't believe it yet, there have been too many instances that set us back, but I'm still wanting to see this thing through. I guess I'm being dogged about it, (or am I just a dog?). Either way, after being alone for the past year in Oregon, it's nice to interact, struggle, love, work stuff out, communicate, learn, grow and try hard with another person. It could end in any kind of way; and there have been a few times when I'm ready to check the bus schedule and do something different, but I keep hanging in.... Aha, the student has arrived and I'm off to teach...
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