One more time to the well
One more time to say 'what the hell'
One more chance to understand
Another chance to lend a hand
Let's see now, where were we? Away from judgment and loathing, toward gratitude and joy.... Interestingly, it's hard for me to actually remember those words. I had to refer back to the blog to see the words that made so much sense a couple of days ago, that seemed so central and true. I still believe in their worth, but I find it fascinating that I, who can remember words for decades and decades, has trouble placing this particular sentence into a retrievable folder.
I'm reminded of a period of time in which I got some over-the-phone coaching from my friend Terry who was training as a life coach and needed some people to practice on. It was kind of like free counseling and I ate it up. We would talk for maybe 45 minutes once a week, and I found it exciting and helpful to focus in like that. But I noticed that the insights would fade over the course of the week until being rekindled during the next week's conversation. It occurred to me that I wished I had some way to keep the knowledge close at hand, kind of like the Catholics would use a set of rosary beads to hold and meditate on. That thought inspired a tune which came out more or less instantaneously.
I'm gonna make a rosary of the things I should remember
Things I should remember to guide me on my way
Guide me on my way on the path that leads to the holy one
Path that leads to the holy one
Circle round the sun and the day is done yeah
Circle round the sun and the day is done
Back when I was younger I swore I would remember
Swore I would remember the miracle of life
Miracle of life, a precious gift from the holy one
Precious gift from the holy one
Circle round the sun and the day is done yeah
Circle round the sun and the day is done
When I'm with my friends and my family my heart could fill to bursting
Heart could fill to bursting when I'm dancing in their light
Dancing in their light, a reflection of the holy one
Reflection of the holy one
Circle round the sun and the day is done yeah
Circle round the sun and the day is done
I love the little children, their hearts are truly innocent
Hearts are truly innocent, their spirit's full of joy
Spirit's full of joy because they're so close to the holy one
So close to the holy one
Circle round the sun and the day is done yeah
Circle round the sun and the day is done
We're standing on the shoulders of the ones who came before us
The ones who came before us, they planted the seeds
Planted the seeds, asking blessings from the holy one
Blessings from the holy one
Circle round the sun and the day is done yeah
Circle round the sun and the day is done
-----------------------------------------------
Feeling pretty good about things, and for no good reason, which seems like a good thing. I do believe that the judgment piece has been quite the hindrance over the years, in many ways. (if I were to judge, that is). OK wise-ass take a break from the 'clever' for just a minute. I've been a hyper critical person over the years, directing the beam of analysis both inward and outward, and I'm feeling that it would be a good thing to give it a rest, be more accepting of myself and others, lighten up the critique and see what, if anything, happens as a result.
I met this young American guy in Thailand, sensational guitar player, travels around the world and records videos of himself performing songs at the Pyramids, the Eiffel Tower, the beaches of Southern Thailand etc. Great player, very self involved, ego very prominent and it all feels kind of 'young' to me. I'm not really judging now, just sensing something that I can relate to. He's been in this rage about some people criticizing him for playing covers, and he's been spewing lots of vitriol about how they're so stupid and he's gonna show them how wrong they are, meanwhile, please watch my videos.... It's a turn-off, and I imagine that over the years, people have had that same reaction to me and my own little superiority number. Fuck, I'd have that same reaction to me and some of my 'artiste' moments. So this guy is providing a good mirror.
Contrast that with people like the Dalai Lama and other wise ones. In my mind, they have the ability to non-judgmentally view the world and its inhabitants as part of a great process. I obviously can't speak for the Dalai Lama, but I have a sense that he would see people in terms of their path toward wisdom. If there are disagreements, it's possible to leave out the judgment and the passion. Just see and sense and keep the center. (and breathe)
I had an experience at the age of twenty, when I was bombing around Mexico for the first time, and I ended up in Agua Azul, a tiny pueblo in Chiapas. It was something of a gringo destination, as there was an incredible tropical river that cascaded through the forest there. It was a tiny settlement, one little store, 10 or 20 indigenous families and maybe twenty gringos camping along the river. I remember this one day when an American guy chopped down a bunch of bananas which he assumed were ripe, but were actually inedible and green. He had no business stealing food from a population that was struggling to survive on beans and tortillas and a little bit of fruit, and the fact that the bananas were now just going to go to waste only added to the wrongness of his act.
One of the elders of the village 'Don Juan' saw this unfold and rather than berate the young man, he just seemed to have a stoic understanding of the situation. He told the guy that the bananas were unripe, didn't raise his voice, said few words, and there was a look in his eye that took it all in without a lot of judgment, even though this was food for his village and some interloper had wasted it. Me, I was furious with the guy, thinking he was a moron, yet the man who was truly affected by the situation showed none of that anger. I would like to aspire to Don Juan's level of understanding and grace. Less judgment and loathing, more gratitude and joy... (and no, I still can't remember it without referring back.... This is fascinating to me, the concept is having a hard time taking root.
Cheep cheep cheep
I'm being frugal these days, trying to keep a close eye on my expenditures, as I'm still oriented to the idea of taking off for SE Asia in November. Well, I suppose I could be more frugal, turn off the land line, but that's the one that's out there in the world as far as getting me gigs, so I think I need to bite the bullet there. But as far as going out for dinners or spending money on entertainment, I'm playing it tight to the vest.
How then is it possible for me to have seen two great, and big ticket shows within the last ten days? Last week I saw the touring production of Wicked, which was fantastic. And last night I saw Johnny Clegg and his band at the Shedd Auditorium in downtown Eugene, another wonderful show. Total face value of the tickets was $120, and I paid a total of $20.
I was downtown picking up my mail at the Post Office when I saw a big crowd heading into the Hult Center. I asked what was going on, and found out that there was a matinee of Wicked starting in about half an hour. My immediate thought was that I could find a way to sneak in. I rarely think in those terms, but that was my first reaction when I saw all these groups of seniors and high school kids showing up en masse. I went into the lobby to survey the scene, hung out near 'will call' and even went up to a guy I kinda know who was working the booth to ask if there were any freebies. No luck there, but I did find someone who was leading a seniors group outing, and he was trying to unload a couple of unused tickets for half price ($35). A friend of mine actually bought one of the tickets but I held out and kept looking around.
Just before the show was to begin and the last stragglers were making their way into the theater, I offered the guy $20 for the seat. The thing is, I had no attachment to going, so there was no need to have a back and forth negotiation. It was more a case of 'do you want $20 for the seat?'. He took it and I made my way down to a great seat in the 10th row on the aisle, dressed in my workout clothes, but who cares, it's Eugene. Fantastic show, I had no idea that it was so good, and it was all the more sweet for having found a cheap way into a great seat.
Last night I called my friends Rob and Janice to say hey, and Janice mentioned that they were going to the Johnny Clegg show downtown. He's a great South African musician whom I had seen back in the 80s. Clegg is a white guitarist and songwriter about my age, who has always played in integrated bands, very progressive and a big star around the world. Not so much these days, but he's still got it, and what the heck, maybe I could find a way in. (This is my new theme apparently). I went down to the theater, looked around, saw one guy whose wife couldn't make it and he was trying to get $35 for the second row ticket. I said, no thanks, good luck. (I figured I'd do the last minute $20 offer if nothing else came along.
The crowd was definitely my peer group and it was good to see us out and about, rather than home on the couch, say. Some woman who I know very peripherally found out that I was without a ticket, and she mentioned that while she was picking hers up at will call, someone handed in two tickets, saying 'give them to the next person who shows up looking for a ticket'. I made a dash to the booth, quietly said that I had heard there were a couple of free ones that had just been donated, and asked if I could have one. The woman handed me a ticket, and I got the feeling that she likely wouldn't have given it away unless someone knew it was there. I could see someone showing up to buy a ticket and she'd have been happy to take the money. Can't blame her, but I was in the right place at the right time, so I got to see and dance to a great show for free. Hmmmm I wonder what's playing tonight? (he said mischievously).
Am I proud of being a cheapskate? Not exactly, but maybe a little bit. It's just a new little wrinkle that I haven't experienced before, the idea of just showing up and seeing if there is a way in. cheep cheep cheep
How then is it possible for me to have seen two great, and big ticket shows within the last ten days? Last week I saw the touring production of Wicked, which was fantastic. And last night I saw Johnny Clegg and his band at the Shedd Auditorium in downtown Eugene, another wonderful show. Total face value of the tickets was $120, and I paid a total of $20.
I was downtown picking up my mail at the Post Office when I saw a big crowd heading into the Hult Center. I asked what was going on, and found out that there was a matinee of Wicked starting in about half an hour. My immediate thought was that I could find a way to sneak in. I rarely think in those terms, but that was my first reaction when I saw all these groups of seniors and high school kids showing up en masse. I went into the lobby to survey the scene, hung out near 'will call' and even went up to a guy I kinda know who was working the booth to ask if there were any freebies. No luck there, but I did find someone who was leading a seniors group outing, and he was trying to unload a couple of unused tickets for half price ($35). A friend of mine actually bought one of the tickets but I held out and kept looking around.
Just before the show was to begin and the last stragglers were making their way into the theater, I offered the guy $20 for the seat. The thing is, I had no attachment to going, so there was no need to have a back and forth negotiation. It was more a case of 'do you want $20 for the seat?'. He took it and I made my way down to a great seat in the 10th row on the aisle, dressed in my workout clothes, but who cares, it's Eugene. Fantastic show, I had no idea that it was so good, and it was all the more sweet for having found a cheap way into a great seat.
Last night I called my friends Rob and Janice to say hey, and Janice mentioned that they were going to the Johnny Clegg show downtown. He's a great South African musician whom I had seen back in the 80s. Clegg is a white guitarist and songwriter about my age, who has always played in integrated bands, very progressive and a big star around the world. Not so much these days, but he's still got it, and what the heck, maybe I could find a way in. (This is my new theme apparently). I went down to the theater, looked around, saw one guy whose wife couldn't make it and he was trying to get $35 for the second row ticket. I said, no thanks, good luck. (I figured I'd do the last minute $20 offer if nothing else came along.
The crowd was definitely my peer group and it was good to see us out and about, rather than home on the couch, say. Some woman who I know very peripherally found out that I was without a ticket, and she mentioned that while she was picking hers up at will call, someone handed in two tickets, saying 'give them to the next person who shows up looking for a ticket'. I made a dash to the booth, quietly said that I had heard there were a couple of free ones that had just been donated, and asked if I could have one. The woman handed me a ticket, and I got the feeling that she likely wouldn't have given it away unless someone knew it was there. I could see someone showing up to buy a ticket and she'd have been happy to take the money. Can't blame her, but I was in the right place at the right time, so I got to see and dance to a great show for free. Hmmmm I wonder what's playing tonight? (he said mischievously).
Am I proud of being a cheapskate? Not exactly, but maybe a little bit. It's just a new little wrinkle that I haven't experienced before, the idea of just showing up and seeing if there is a way in. cheep cheep cheep
In the Bubble
Living in the bubble, but for how long? This has been my calculus for as long as I can remember, and for good or for ill, it has shaped the way I approached my life. Here's what I mean by the bubble... and maybe to get at it, I'll approach it from the opposite end. See those folks in northern Japan... no bubble. See those folks in Tuscaloosa whose place got demolished by the most intense tornadoes anyone has ever seen.... no bubble. See those folks in Iraq, Afghanistan, Chechniya, Somalia, Yemen, Mexico, Myanmar, Cambodia or those homeless folks on so many street corners etc.... no bubble.
The bubble means you can turn the tap and get clean water. You can go to the store and there are mountains of food for those with the money to buy. You can hop in the car, fill 'er up and be on your way. No armed thugs are trying to bust through the window, no machete waving warriors are on a killing spree in the neighborhood. It looks like it will last forever.... or does it? I've never assumed that I get to live out my days inside the bubble; it always felt more tenuous than that. I've always felt that these are the good old days.
And I've somehow managed to use the fragility of the bubble as an excuse to not immerse myself fully in the process of life. Why bother to dig in and prepare for the future when no future is assured, or even likely? Why plant seeds when the likelihood is that I won't be around to harvest the fruit? It's a self-perpetuating lack of self perpetuation, and I do believe that it has run out of its ability to be useful, because it makes my a cynical person who is somehow rooting for destruction and mayhem to justify my choices (or lack thereof). And who in their right mind would root for that? (one wonders)
It feels too late to change course at this point (what with the world ending and all), (he said self-mockingly), as I've got too many decades into this approach to reinvent myself totally. And there is some sense I have that I DO want some kind of justification for how I've conducted myself all these years. So rather than think about reinventing myself totally, I wonder if there is some kind of refinement that I might undertake, in the hopes of finding more joy and less self-loathing, because one of the perils of not buying in to the societal hand book is feeling like that ship has sailed and I didn't get on board. Even though I supposedly rejected the play book, I bought in on some level, bought in enough to hate myself for not living up to the thing I didn't buy into. Lots of negatives there, and yeah, I've experienced a lot of self-punishing for my choices.
So I'd like to find a way to reorient myself, or rather reprogram myself in the direction of acceptance. I was thinking about this yesterday as I was driving over the pass toward Bend, where I have some gigs later today. (It's 3:40 in the morning, and I woke up, so let's write a bit before going back to sleep). I have tended to devalue myself lately, even my successes, let alone my failures, and I wonder if it's just something that I do instinctively. If I were to be totally self-critical, (which isn't that hard for me)... hey I'm 'successful' at self criticism (he said pathetically), I tend to view my triumphs as somehow undeserved. 'Well, he's skating by on his charm and talent.' Within that statement is, of course, the unstated implication that 'but he could do so much more' or 'talent without discipline is such a waste' or 'he has really squandered the gift'
That mindset certainly sucks the life out of the room, and I've been guilty of it way too much over the years. So here I am at 57, pushing 58 years old, in pretty good health, )one hopes), still a lot of vibrancy in my body, still dancing and able to move, still able to light up a room when I make music, but with a heavy heart and a burden to bear. I wonder if I could transcend my 'judgment' cloud and find a way into a more sunlit, peaceful place. And it brings up what to me is one of the basic questions of human existence. Can we actually change ourselves inside the journey? Can I understand myself enough to know how to fix what needs fixing and then take the steps in that direction? And the direction I'd like to take it is toward gratitude and joy, away from judgment and loathing.
Away from judgment and loathing, toward gratitude and joy.
I think I need some help on the journey, it's a rough one to make on my own, especially if I'm weighing myself down. So the first ally that I'd like to enlist is myself. It's time to line up and head in the same direction that is indicated by the map. Away from judgment and loathing, toward gratitude and joy.
And I ask God to help me find the clarity and serenity to keep on the path... away from judgment and loathing, toward gratitude and joy.
And I will ask my friends, the ones I have and the ones I will have, to join me on that journey ... into gratitude and joy.
You'd think that I'd ask my family at some point for help too, but that thought doesn't flow naturally yet, seems loaded and fraught, too much unresolved stuff and maybe that's a different post, somewhere down the road. Let's table that one for now, or maybe let's not. Why be afraid of what's in there? I guess that rather than ask for help from my family, I'd prefer to offer help and service... away from judgment and loathing, into gratitude and joy.
I just skimmed what I had written so far and my first reaction was to find it self-indulgent and shallow, which is an object lesson in itself, as well as an indicator that it won't be so easy to turn off the judgment and aim for the gratitude. In other words I got judgmental about trying to turn off the judgment. Oy! (he said Jewishly) But there is something reassuring in that irony, because even through all of the self-criticism, there is some kind of awareness that is greater than all of the mind games. I see it, I get it, I'm amused by it and I hope to use it. And I hope to use it on the journey from judgment to gratitude. Or to put it in New York terms.... 'Hey judgment, Go Fuck Yourself!
And with that statement, I experienced my first real 'ding' of excitement or clarity. (at 4:30am). I don't quite 'get it' yet, but there is something that is very right about telling judgment to go fuck himself. It's likely a good use for that critical attribute that I certainly possess and have tended to aim at myself, with mostly unhappy results. How bout I send that beam of criticism toward itself... could that make it disappear? (or at least leave me the fuck alone?) (he said, New Yorkily). I do believe that there is something of value in that equation, indeed I do.
Yep, there's clean water in the tap, there's gas in the car and food in the refrigerator. And I'm grateful for those things. But there's a bigger gratitude that I'm after, and it's gratitude for this life and this bubble that allows me to ponder and practice and make a joyful noise. (which I will do in about 5 hours time). Better get some more sleep now.... Over and out...
The bubble means you can turn the tap and get clean water. You can go to the store and there are mountains of food for those with the money to buy. You can hop in the car, fill 'er up and be on your way. No armed thugs are trying to bust through the window, no machete waving warriors are on a killing spree in the neighborhood. It looks like it will last forever.... or does it? I've never assumed that I get to live out my days inside the bubble; it always felt more tenuous than that. I've always felt that these are the good old days.
And I've somehow managed to use the fragility of the bubble as an excuse to not immerse myself fully in the process of life. Why bother to dig in and prepare for the future when no future is assured, or even likely? Why plant seeds when the likelihood is that I won't be around to harvest the fruit? It's a self-perpetuating lack of self perpetuation, and I do believe that it has run out of its ability to be useful, because it makes my a cynical person who is somehow rooting for destruction and mayhem to justify my choices (or lack thereof). And who in their right mind would root for that? (one wonders)
It feels too late to change course at this point (what with the world ending and all), (he said self-mockingly), as I've got too many decades into this approach to reinvent myself totally. And there is some sense I have that I DO want some kind of justification for how I've conducted myself all these years. So rather than think about reinventing myself totally, I wonder if there is some kind of refinement that I might undertake, in the hopes of finding more joy and less self-loathing, because one of the perils of not buying in to the societal hand book is feeling like that ship has sailed and I didn't get on board. Even though I supposedly rejected the play book, I bought in on some level, bought in enough to hate myself for not living up to the thing I didn't buy into. Lots of negatives there, and yeah, I've experienced a lot of self-punishing for my choices.
So I'd like to find a way to reorient myself, or rather reprogram myself in the direction of acceptance. I was thinking about this yesterday as I was driving over the pass toward Bend, where I have some gigs later today. (It's 3:40 in the morning, and I woke up, so let's write a bit before going back to sleep). I have tended to devalue myself lately, even my successes, let alone my failures, and I wonder if it's just something that I do instinctively. If I were to be totally self-critical, (which isn't that hard for me)... hey I'm 'successful' at self criticism (he said pathetically), I tend to view my triumphs as somehow undeserved. 'Well, he's skating by on his charm and talent.' Within that statement is, of course, the unstated implication that 'but he could do so much more' or 'talent without discipline is such a waste' or 'he has really squandered the gift'
That mindset certainly sucks the life out of the room, and I've been guilty of it way too much over the years. So here I am at 57, pushing 58 years old, in pretty good health, )one hopes), still a lot of vibrancy in my body, still dancing and able to move, still able to light up a room when I make music, but with a heavy heart and a burden to bear. I wonder if I could transcend my 'judgment' cloud and find a way into a more sunlit, peaceful place. And it brings up what to me is one of the basic questions of human existence. Can we actually change ourselves inside the journey? Can I understand myself enough to know how to fix what needs fixing and then take the steps in that direction? And the direction I'd like to take it is toward gratitude and joy, away from judgment and loathing.
Away from judgment and loathing, toward gratitude and joy.
I think I need some help on the journey, it's a rough one to make on my own, especially if I'm weighing myself down. So the first ally that I'd like to enlist is myself. It's time to line up and head in the same direction that is indicated by the map. Away from judgment and loathing, toward gratitude and joy.
And I ask God to help me find the clarity and serenity to keep on the path... away from judgment and loathing, toward gratitude and joy.
And I will ask my friends, the ones I have and the ones I will have, to join me on that journey ... into gratitude and joy.
You'd think that I'd ask my family at some point for help too, but that thought doesn't flow naturally yet, seems loaded and fraught, too much unresolved stuff and maybe that's a different post, somewhere down the road. Let's table that one for now, or maybe let's not. Why be afraid of what's in there? I guess that rather than ask for help from my family, I'd prefer to offer help and service... away from judgment and loathing, into gratitude and joy.
I just skimmed what I had written so far and my first reaction was to find it self-indulgent and shallow, which is an object lesson in itself, as well as an indicator that it won't be so easy to turn off the judgment and aim for the gratitude. In other words I got judgmental about trying to turn off the judgment. Oy! (he said Jewishly) But there is something reassuring in that irony, because even through all of the self-criticism, there is some kind of awareness that is greater than all of the mind games. I see it, I get it, I'm amused by it and I hope to use it. And I hope to use it on the journey from judgment to gratitude. Or to put it in New York terms.... 'Hey judgment, Go Fuck Yourself!
And with that statement, I experienced my first real 'ding' of excitement or clarity. (at 4:30am). I don't quite 'get it' yet, but there is something that is very right about telling judgment to go fuck himself. It's likely a good use for that critical attribute that I certainly possess and have tended to aim at myself, with mostly unhappy results. How bout I send that beam of criticism toward itself... could that make it disappear? (or at least leave me the fuck alone?) (he said, New Yorkily). I do believe that there is something of value in that equation, indeed I do.
Yep, there's clean water in the tap, there's gas in the car and food in the refrigerator. And I'm grateful for those things. But there's a bigger gratitude that I'm after, and it's gratitude for this life and this bubble that allows me to ponder and practice and make a joyful noise. (which I will do in about 5 hours time). Better get some more sleep now.... Over and out...
I Need a Song....
It's 7:48 in the morning on a cloudy Wednesday, and at 10:30, I'll be teaching a music class for a bunch of 5 year old children. Their teacher, Shawna is starting to prepare for a Graduation Ceremony which is about 6 weeks away, and she asked if I knew a good song about 'family' which the kids might sing at the event. She told me that she'd check out some of her sources, folk music books etc to try and find something. Me, I hear the request and my first thought is to try and craft something for the event. So let's try. I've never blogged a song-writing session before; usually I'll grab a guitar and see what I can come up with, but I'm going to try and do it from the computer (with a guitar nearby). Hopefully I won't get 'blogged down' in the process.
So how do you write a song? I think in terms of the hook, in this case a simple chorus which the kids could strongly sing, using their best voices. It would be one that would make the parents get tears in their eyes. Often my 'go to' move is a 1V V 1 progression, that has that feeling of roundness and repetition, so I'll start there (again). The key of C is the perfect key for kids usually, so I'll start there too. Pause, grab the guitar, start playing in C.
It's you (it's you) and me (and me)
Living in our family
Nowhere else I'd rather be
Than right here by your side
With you (with you) and me (and me)
Living life so happily
Pause, shower, thoughts, yes I'm aware of the irony of a lonely, disconnected man trying to write songs about the joys of being in a family. It's totally absurd, yet I persist, probably like the guys who wrote those love songs or made those movies which painted lovely pictures of familial warmth and contentment, while the authors were banging the secretary or trying not to get too drunk before noon.... but I digress....
Now where was I? It's kind of tricky to write a song about 'family' in 2011, because it doesn't feel right to paint a totally rosy picture about 'living life so easily' or 'mom and dad' because it just doesn't ring true anymore. So there's a bit of finesse involved. I guess it's a balancing act in which I have to idealize it a little bit, but not too much. That feels like the right approach. I don't want to be too 'noir' with it. 'Daddy got laid off, mom is running up the credit card again, the case worker thinks I'm going to get placed in a foster home' (although that does sound like a fun tune to write... dark lyrics over top of a cheerful sounding kids song) but I tri-gress...
It's you (it's you) and me (and me)
Living in our family
Nowhere else I'd rather be
Than right here by your side
With you (with you) and me (and me)
It's as simple as ABC
Oh how happy we can be
Living in our family
9:19am It's done, It's going to work and now it's in my heart... happy....
So how do you write a song? I think in terms of the hook, in this case a simple chorus which the kids could strongly sing, using their best voices. It would be one that would make the parents get tears in their eyes. Often my 'go to' move is a 1V V 1 progression, that has that feeling of roundness and repetition, so I'll start there (again). The key of C is the perfect key for kids usually, so I'll start there too. Pause, grab the guitar, start playing in C.
It's you (it's you) and me (and me)
Living in our family
Nowhere else I'd rather be
Than right here by your side
With you (with you) and me (and me)
Living life so happily
Pause, shower, thoughts, yes I'm aware of the irony of a lonely, disconnected man trying to write songs about the joys of being in a family. It's totally absurd, yet I persist, probably like the guys who wrote those love songs or made those movies which painted lovely pictures of familial warmth and contentment, while the authors were banging the secretary or trying not to get too drunk before noon.... but I digress....
Now where was I? It's kind of tricky to write a song about 'family' in 2011, because it doesn't feel right to paint a totally rosy picture about 'living life so easily' or 'mom and dad' because it just doesn't ring true anymore. So there's a bit of finesse involved. I guess it's a balancing act in which I have to idealize it a little bit, but not too much. That feels like the right approach. I don't want to be too 'noir' with it. 'Daddy got laid off, mom is running up the credit card again, the case worker thinks I'm going to get placed in a foster home' (although that does sound like a fun tune to write... dark lyrics over top of a cheerful sounding kids song) but I tri-gress...
It's you (it's you) and me (and me)
Living in our family
Nowhere else I'd rather be
Than right here by your side
With you (with you) and me (and me)
It's as simple as ABC
Oh how happy we can be
Living in our family
9:19am It's done, It's going to work and now it's in my heart... happy....
Money money money money
It's the journey, right? Isn't that the cliche that we eventually end up at? The goal is the journey itself, which is a fine little mind-bender right out of the gate. When looking for purpose or meaning, it's not about a final destination or goal, but about the camino, if you will. I guess I captured that idea pretty well a month or so ago in the verse which says:
May you have a gentle road
Good friends along the way
Can I help you carry that load
Where we going anyway?
But I'm not ready to quite sum it up yet, as my brain has been tickled by the unexpected little knot of 'the goal is the journey', which seems like a contradiction. I realize that I'm playing with words and wanting them to fit into some kind of clever arrangement, but beyond that, I get a sense that there is some mysterious truth that is wanting to surface.
Just as an exercise, let me consider the hypothesis that it's ALL about the goal and the journey is irrelevant. You got to be driven, you got to succeed, you got to get there, put the blinders on, go go go. It's all about the goal, sunny, rainy, it's all about the goal, solo, hooked up, it's all about the goal, go go go goal. No time for reflection, no time for connection, to time for perception, it's all about the goal. (as an aside, it might be nice to actually have a goal to plug into this hypothesis, but if I could do that, I probably wouldn't be on this exercise anyway). Is that the problem, is it simply a case of not being able to formulate a goal that leads me to wonder about goals and journeys? Maybe the goal is to formulate a goal? Very possibly, but let's set that aside for a moment and return to the meandering.
Only there's no meandering in reaching the goal, it's a one way, pressing, non-distracted, non-distractable push toward the finish line (he said as he distractedly got up to go bring in the newspaper, an apt metaphor for my state of mind at the moment, which is the opposite of non-distracted). Or maybe it's just the ADD kicking in.... again :-) But I'm not putting myself down, just reporting on the ironies and amusements of my situation.
I just re-read what I have written thus far, and was reminded of that essay I wrote at the age of 17, when I was supposed to be taking a history test about American Foreign Policy. For some reason I didn't register that there was a test that day, so I was totally unprepared, hadn't done the reading. The teacher hands out the essay test and all around me, kids are feverishly writing their essays, while I was in some kind of thoughtful stupor, being turned off by their rushing pens and intent expressions.
I suppose I could have tried to fake it, use my rhetorical powers to try and at least pass the test (so to speak), but on this day, I just didn't have it in my to go in that direction. Something came over me and I began to write what turned out to be an early blog entry, I suppose. Instead of trying to bullshit my way into a C grade, I just wrote about what I was feeling, being a guy surrounded by intent faces and hurrying pens. And I got pretty fired up about it the longer that I wrote. I remember one passage of the paper in which I said something like, 'And why are they writing so fast? So they can get a good grade on the test, so they can get a good mark in the class so they can get into a good college so they can get a good job and MAKE A LOT OF FUCKING MONEY! I followed that up with, 'it makes me sick'
I do remember feeling exhilarated by the writing and the self-expression. My teacher was apparently not quite as impressed, as he gave me the well-deserved F on the test, as if I cared. The next day in school, I got a visit from the guidance counselor, who showed up in my homeroom, asked to have a word with me, and then asked me if everything was all right. I assured him that I was fine, and I probably asked him if he liked the paper. Flash forward 40 years, and my brother Mick discovered that paper while doing some cleaning at our mom's house and he's going to mail it to me as a memento of a different time. Only thing is, I haven't changed all that much.... or have I?
I do know that my essay was about the same thing I started with here, thinking about goals and in that case, rejecting the money goal, which is truly the elephant in the room when it comes to this culture, at least. We are so oriented to money here in the west. I don't know if it's a universal condition, but it's certainly a western one. And now with the benefit of 40 years perspective, I can see that my rebellious rejection of money as the end game has caused me to conflate it with any other more worthy goal which I might imagine for myself. I haven't changed much from that angry teenager who is rejecting his father's values as a way to define his own path. Even today, when I set out to think about goals, or the idea of goals, there was a shadow present, and it was the idea that money is the ultimate goal here, so what's the use of really trying to come up with a goal, when my soul still rebels at the money piece. Hmmmmmm I feel like I made some headway, and it looks like this:
It's time to stop conflating 'money' and my issues with it into every thought process about what I might hope to achieve. By now, I've proven the point that I'm not my father, and it's time to step out from under that shadow and that self- limiting way of looking at things. Money is not the goal, it might be just a part of the journey. Time to chemically remove it from the metaphysical equation and let some more light in. On three.... 1 2 3 and it's done. Let the sunshine in...
May you have a gentle road
Good friends along the way
Can I help you carry that load
Where we going anyway?
But I'm not ready to quite sum it up yet, as my brain has been tickled by the unexpected little knot of 'the goal is the journey', which seems like a contradiction. I realize that I'm playing with words and wanting them to fit into some kind of clever arrangement, but beyond that, I get a sense that there is some mysterious truth that is wanting to surface.
Just as an exercise, let me consider the hypothesis that it's ALL about the goal and the journey is irrelevant. You got to be driven, you got to succeed, you got to get there, put the blinders on, go go go. It's all about the goal, sunny, rainy, it's all about the goal, solo, hooked up, it's all about the goal, go go go goal. No time for reflection, no time for connection, to time for perception, it's all about the goal. (as an aside, it might be nice to actually have a goal to plug into this hypothesis, but if I could do that, I probably wouldn't be on this exercise anyway). Is that the problem, is it simply a case of not being able to formulate a goal that leads me to wonder about goals and journeys? Maybe the goal is to formulate a goal? Very possibly, but let's set that aside for a moment and return to the meandering.
Only there's no meandering in reaching the goal, it's a one way, pressing, non-distracted, non-distractable push toward the finish line (he said as he distractedly got up to go bring in the newspaper, an apt metaphor for my state of mind at the moment, which is the opposite of non-distracted). Or maybe it's just the ADD kicking in.... again :-) But I'm not putting myself down, just reporting on the ironies and amusements of my situation.
I just re-read what I have written thus far, and was reminded of that essay I wrote at the age of 17, when I was supposed to be taking a history test about American Foreign Policy. For some reason I didn't register that there was a test that day, so I was totally unprepared, hadn't done the reading. The teacher hands out the essay test and all around me, kids are feverishly writing their essays, while I was in some kind of thoughtful stupor, being turned off by their rushing pens and intent expressions.
I suppose I could have tried to fake it, use my rhetorical powers to try and at least pass the test (so to speak), but on this day, I just didn't have it in my to go in that direction. Something came over me and I began to write what turned out to be an early blog entry, I suppose. Instead of trying to bullshit my way into a C grade, I just wrote about what I was feeling, being a guy surrounded by intent faces and hurrying pens. And I got pretty fired up about it the longer that I wrote. I remember one passage of the paper in which I said something like, 'And why are they writing so fast? So they can get a good grade on the test, so they can get a good mark in the class so they can get into a good college so they can get a good job and MAKE A LOT OF FUCKING MONEY! I followed that up with, 'it makes me sick'
I do remember feeling exhilarated by the writing and the self-expression. My teacher was apparently not quite as impressed, as he gave me the well-deserved F on the test, as if I cared. The next day in school, I got a visit from the guidance counselor, who showed up in my homeroom, asked to have a word with me, and then asked me if everything was all right. I assured him that I was fine, and I probably asked him if he liked the paper. Flash forward 40 years, and my brother Mick discovered that paper while doing some cleaning at our mom's house and he's going to mail it to me as a memento of a different time. Only thing is, I haven't changed all that much.... or have I?
I do know that my essay was about the same thing I started with here, thinking about goals and in that case, rejecting the money goal, which is truly the elephant in the room when it comes to this culture, at least. We are so oriented to money here in the west. I don't know if it's a universal condition, but it's certainly a western one. And now with the benefit of 40 years perspective, I can see that my rebellious rejection of money as the end game has caused me to conflate it with any other more worthy goal which I might imagine for myself. I haven't changed much from that angry teenager who is rejecting his father's values as a way to define his own path. Even today, when I set out to think about goals, or the idea of goals, there was a shadow present, and it was the idea that money is the ultimate goal here, so what's the use of really trying to come up with a goal, when my soul still rebels at the money piece. Hmmmmmm I feel like I made some headway, and it looks like this:
It's time to stop conflating 'money' and my issues with it into every thought process about what I might hope to achieve. By now, I've proven the point that I'm not my father, and it's time to step out from under that shadow and that self- limiting way of looking at things. Money is not the goal, it might be just a part of the journey. Time to chemically remove it from the metaphysical equation and let some more light in. On three.... 1 2 3 and it's done. Let the sunshine in...
Passover day 5
Give us this day, but no daily bread. I can't exactly say why I'm keeping kosher this Passover season, but so far, I've managed to refrain from eating any bread, not that I haven't been tempted. It's such a part of my makeup to want to grab 'the staff of life' (insert joke here). Last night at the Greek restaurant where I went for dinner with my friend Larry, the waitress put a couple of pieces of delicious looking bread in front of me, and it was all I could do to resist its leavened allure. At a certain point I said to my buddy, 'could you put this over there and get it out of my immediate sensory field' (or words to that effect), because I felt an instinctive pull to grab a hunk and stuff it in my mouth. It was almost primordial; rather than simply thinking 'I'd like a piece of bread', it was more like, 'Bread, Eat' Man want Bread!, coming from a the body, not the brain, (or so I could imagine)
But I managed to avoid it, along with the treats at the cafe where we went for coffee afterward. Actually, now that I think about it, I believe that I did have a treat a few nights ago when I might have spaced out the fact that we were still in the passover time, so it's not a case of me being all kind of 'purist' about the holiday. But there is certainly something to be said for depriving oneself of what one thinks one wants and seeing what happens as a result.
I'm reminded of my Rabbi friend Jeff Marx's thought process when I asked him for a consult about a story I was working on. I was trying to write a piece about bullying, but I was having trouble coming up with the right tone for the story. Should I concentrate on the bully himself, or the victim or the classroom as a whole? I presented the dilemma to Jeff, and his first thought was, 'What is the opposite of bullying?' He followed up immediately with the phrase, 'Use your power for good', and that struck me as the perfect approach. And I was intrigued by the way he had arrived at this solution. He made a conscious choice to consider the opposite, and because of that decision, he immediately hit upon a great idea. I heard the words 'Use your power for good' as a melody and an anthem. The hook of the song was written in a flash. I didn't write it, actually, it just 'was'.
It makes me wonder if that act of considering 'what is the opposite' might have some utility in other areas of my life. I think I know my ruts pretty well by this point, those pathways which seem to direct my thoughts around the same mental route. I'm going to place a thought in my brain which says, 'when you find yourself aware that you're going down that familiar pathway, stop to consider 'what is the opposite''. Especially when I get daunted by the familiar 'there is too much to do' paralysis about career building tasks, website maintenance, album recording, social media outreach, business building, mailing list creation, promotional work, equipment upgrading etc etc etc, it would be wise to consider 'what is the opposite of this feeling of helplessness?' I do believe that there is some solution lurking there.
Speaking of the word 'daunted', which I mentioned in the last paragraph. I was having a very interesting conversation with a new friend, Rico, in which I mentioned that word. I had just met him, a fifty something, charismatic Argentinian guy who has recently made Eugene his home. He's a very bright individual, makes his living as a translator, bilingual marketing guy. He's very plugged into the new forms of social networking, is posting stuff all the time, making connections, drawing people to him, and he's definitely got the knack for the new media. I could tell by the way he instinctively took some pictures and brief video at the blues jam and then posted it to his facebook, as a matter of course.
We got talking during the break and I had an immediate sense that he had a lot of what I need, so I was interested in having a conversation. At one point, I mentioned that I am daunted by the amount of stuff that I need to do in the social networking arena which I don't know how to do. Then I stopped and asked him if he understood the word 'daunted'. The reason I asked him is because his accent is fairly strong, and I wasn't sure of the level of his English comprehension. He assured me that he knew what it meant, telling me that he's been in the states for 30 years, works as a translator etc. I ribbed him a little, saying that if he's so great in English, why does he have such a strong accent?
This made him laugh, and his answer was that the times he was going to try and lose the accent, he would have a girlfriend who would say, 'But I love your accent'. (sounded like a convenient excuse, but who am I to judge?). Then he continued and said that when he gives a talk, he will invariably start out like this: 'I apologize for my accent, but if there is something you don't understand, please raise your hand.... AND I'LL SAY IT LOUDER!. It was a 'laugh line', and my first reaction was to say, 'What are you, Jewish?' It just seemed like such a Jewish take, to use a little comedy shtick as a way of dealing with a little quirk like an accent. He says, 'Yes, I am, nobody ever guesses this, you are the first'. We both laughed a lot about it, and I think it's very amusing to sniff out a Jewish approach to life and comedy, even if it has a Spanish accent. Takes one to know one, I guess.
But I managed to avoid it, along with the treats at the cafe where we went for coffee afterward. Actually, now that I think about it, I believe that I did have a treat a few nights ago when I might have spaced out the fact that we were still in the passover time, so it's not a case of me being all kind of 'purist' about the holiday. But there is certainly something to be said for depriving oneself of what one thinks one wants and seeing what happens as a result.
I'm reminded of my Rabbi friend Jeff Marx's thought process when I asked him for a consult about a story I was working on. I was trying to write a piece about bullying, but I was having trouble coming up with the right tone for the story. Should I concentrate on the bully himself, or the victim or the classroom as a whole? I presented the dilemma to Jeff, and his first thought was, 'What is the opposite of bullying?' He followed up immediately with the phrase, 'Use your power for good', and that struck me as the perfect approach. And I was intrigued by the way he had arrived at this solution. He made a conscious choice to consider the opposite, and because of that decision, he immediately hit upon a great idea. I heard the words 'Use your power for good' as a melody and an anthem. The hook of the song was written in a flash. I didn't write it, actually, it just 'was'.
It makes me wonder if that act of considering 'what is the opposite' might have some utility in other areas of my life. I think I know my ruts pretty well by this point, those pathways which seem to direct my thoughts around the same mental route. I'm going to place a thought in my brain which says, 'when you find yourself aware that you're going down that familiar pathway, stop to consider 'what is the opposite''. Especially when I get daunted by the familiar 'there is too much to do' paralysis about career building tasks, website maintenance, album recording, social media outreach, business building, mailing list creation, promotional work, equipment upgrading etc etc etc, it would be wise to consider 'what is the opposite of this feeling of helplessness?' I do believe that there is some solution lurking there.
Speaking of the word 'daunted', which I mentioned in the last paragraph. I was having a very interesting conversation with a new friend, Rico, in which I mentioned that word. I had just met him, a fifty something, charismatic Argentinian guy who has recently made Eugene his home. He's a very bright individual, makes his living as a translator, bilingual marketing guy. He's very plugged into the new forms of social networking, is posting stuff all the time, making connections, drawing people to him, and he's definitely got the knack for the new media. I could tell by the way he instinctively took some pictures and brief video at the blues jam and then posted it to his facebook, as a matter of course.
We got talking during the break and I had an immediate sense that he had a lot of what I need, so I was interested in having a conversation. At one point, I mentioned that I am daunted by the amount of stuff that I need to do in the social networking arena which I don't know how to do. Then I stopped and asked him if he understood the word 'daunted'. The reason I asked him is because his accent is fairly strong, and I wasn't sure of the level of his English comprehension. He assured me that he knew what it meant, telling me that he's been in the states for 30 years, works as a translator etc. I ribbed him a little, saying that if he's so great in English, why does he have such a strong accent?
This made him laugh, and his answer was that the times he was going to try and lose the accent, he would have a girlfriend who would say, 'But I love your accent'. (sounded like a convenient excuse, but who am I to judge?). Then he continued and said that when he gives a talk, he will invariably start out like this: 'I apologize for my accent, but if there is something you don't understand, please raise your hand.... AND I'LL SAY IT LOUDER!. It was a 'laugh line', and my first reaction was to say, 'What are you, Jewish?' It just seemed like such a Jewish take, to use a little comedy shtick as a way of dealing with a little quirk like an accent. He says, 'Yes, I am, nobody ever guesses this, you are the first'. We both laughed a lot about it, and I think it's very amusing to sniff out a Jewish approach to life and comedy, even if it has a Spanish accent. Takes one to know one, I guess.
Lesson plan Earth Day edition
I have a fairly important gig this morning to deliver an Earth Day performance for about 80 little kids from the University preschool programs. They will be marching to campus for a little demonstration, then joining me at the Condon School nearby for a special Rich Glauber interactive event. And even though I could likely waltz on in there and do my thing, I feel the need to think about it and come up with a plan. (likely because my voice is at half strength, the room is large and I want to deliver a good event) So here goes the thought process.
Start with 'You'll sing a song' and do it eventually in different animal voices. Wolves, whales, sheep, bees, cats...
5 little fishes, swimming in a pool
5 big elephants, walking down the street
I just learned 'April Showers' and it's quite a fine little ditty. Maybe I'll bust it out today, this being April and all, and I love the message of the song. And I love the idea of including an old song or two to link the generations. I might couple it with 'Take Me Out to the Ballgame' which could also be an April song. That would constitute the retro part of the show. Does it tie into 'Earth Day'? Not really, but I could certainly make it so, talking about how people can enjoy the beautiful weather on earth by playing games and having fun outdoors.... as opposed to say, sitting in front of the computer. Yeah, that works, a little public service announcement :-)
I wrote a fun little preschool song called 'That's not the way we do it' about mistakes people make, and how they should clean up their act. Here's a sample verse:
Grandma likes to read the paper, she buys one every single day
But sometimes she forgets to recycle her paper
She goes to the garbage can and throws her paper away....
That's not the way we do it, not the way we do it
That's not the way we do it, please don't do it anymore
Uncle Bob likes to go fishing, he's even got his own fishing boat
One day he drank three cans of Pepsi, then he threw them in the water
Just to see if they would float...
It's cold and cloudy this morning, might be another rainy day
So I got lazy and used my car, even though the place I went to
Was only a mile away...
Bizzy Bugs
Going to the Zoo
Itsy Bitsy Spider in Spanish and English
In My Garden
Shine a Light with Percussion for the finale... Happy Earth Day, everyone!
Start with 'You'll sing a song' and do it eventually in different animal voices. Wolves, whales, sheep, bees, cats...
5 little fishes, swimming in a pool
5 big elephants, walking down the street
I just learned 'April Showers' and it's quite a fine little ditty. Maybe I'll bust it out today, this being April and all, and I love the message of the song. And I love the idea of including an old song or two to link the generations. I might couple it with 'Take Me Out to the Ballgame' which could also be an April song. That would constitute the retro part of the show. Does it tie into 'Earth Day'? Not really, but I could certainly make it so, talking about how people can enjoy the beautiful weather on earth by playing games and having fun outdoors.... as opposed to say, sitting in front of the computer. Yeah, that works, a little public service announcement :-)
I wrote a fun little preschool song called 'That's not the way we do it' about mistakes people make, and how they should clean up their act. Here's a sample verse:
Grandma likes to read the paper, she buys one every single day
But sometimes she forgets to recycle her paper
She goes to the garbage can and throws her paper away....
That's not the way we do it, not the way we do it
That's not the way we do it, please don't do it anymore
Uncle Bob likes to go fishing, he's even got his own fishing boat
One day he drank three cans of Pepsi, then he threw them in the water
Just to see if they would float...
It's cold and cloudy this morning, might be another rainy day
So I got lazy and used my car, even though the place I went to
Was only a mile away...
Bizzy Bugs
Going to the Zoo
Itsy Bitsy Spider in Spanish and English
In My Garden
Shine a Light with Percussion for the finale... Happy Earth Day, everyone!
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