Well the last post was a fairly simple (and hopefully accuarate) summation of the part of me that can put it in a box, seal it up tight, and then hit the road.... again. Seems easy when it's just me talking to me, it all makes sense.
So I did some errands until 1pm, the errands included dropping off my laundry at the Chinese family that has a little laundry business, stopping by the bookstore for some road reading, in this case a book by Elmore Leonard, and one by Herman Hesse. (from the ridiculous to the sublime perhaps?) And then I stopped by M's place to see if she was awake yet? We had said goodnight on less than good terms, and I wanted to reconnect and eventually initiate the 'farewell' conversation.
Knock knock.... I see the window blind move as she checked to see who was there, and then the door opened. She was still sleeping, needed some more rest, which was what I expected. She was real happy to see me, wasn't sure if I were mad at her, so we snuggled a bit while 'Law and Order SVU' played softly on her TV set. She's funny like that, tends to fall asleep with the TV on, and will flip it on in the middle of the night if she wakes up. (not unlike yours truly). She likes to have the English Language stuff on as a way to improve her understanding and command.
Without going into detail, (yeah, I'm honest, but I'll leave some things private), we ended up hanging out for about 3 hours, during which we talked, connected and shared some of the kind of memorable time that makes life so incredibly sweet. There were some tears, but mostly just sweetness and understanding, and phenomenal 'sharing' and I'm feeling incredibly grateful at the moment, looking over at her now on the next computer, checking her email, which she gets to about once a week.
It's like the other side of the coin. I kind of know what my 'trendency' is (yeah I just made up a word), but it's so much more interesting when it intersects with another real life human being with trendencies of her own. I'm feeling really good about my own participation in this duet; it's been straight up truthful and giving, and that's about all I can ask of myself. I do have the tape loop that says, I'm such and such a 'commitment phobe' or 'player' or other derogatory label, and it's not too hard to frame my interactions with that filter. But it's just not true here, and this interaction has been a positive for both of us. Que mas quieres? What more do you want.
So I'm all set to leave town, could be as early as tomorrow, but then again, now that I've felt the other side of the coin, it's awfully sweet to maybe stick around another day or two or three? Still on that moment to moment balancing act, but it feels different now, knowing that this connection is real and from the heart, it becomes cleaner and easier to make decisions.
The thing I'm feeling at the moment is huge respect for my friend M. To portray her simply as someone with a self destructive streak, which I did in the preceding post, doesn't do any kind of justice to her depth of character. She reads Krishnamurti, she talked about Eckhard Tolle's book, she's a thinker and a feeler and a 'woman of valor' as the Jews like to say. And I have been so blessed to get to share even a small part of the journey with her. (heart is happy)
No comments:
Post a Comment