No not a resolution as in 'I resolve to not eat meat', more a resolution about yesterday's dilemma. After I got clearer by writing in the blog about M's smoking/drinking, I went over to apologize to her for being judgmental. She hadn't done anything wrong, she was just being herself, including the fact that she's not hiding anything from me, not sneaking off for a smoke or a drink, just being who she is. So it was my turn to apologize, which I did.
But apparently I wasn't totally chilled out yet, because as I stepped outside to wait for her to go grab a coffee or something, I fuckin crushed the top of my head on the wall above her door. It's a little bitty doorway, 6 foot tall, just perfect for the tall farang to smash his dome on if he's not paying attention, and I really hit the corner square on. Nearly knocked me down, but what it did do was enrage me to where I pulled my wallet out of my pocket and hurled it across the room at the refrigerator, making it rain money and credit cards all over the room. Just a quick burst of rage and I was OK, but it shook her and she was scared was I going to hit her or something? Christ, what a child I can be sometimes.
So I said I guess I wasn't ready to hang out yet as I gathered up my stuff, loaded up my wallet and headed down the road. I had gone just a short distance when I heard her call out from behind me, and apparently I had missed a couple of items, my drivers license and visa card. Uh yeah, I could probably use that stuff, though on some level it would have served me right to show up somewhere, reach for my card and not find it. But I do have that burst of rage gene, typical of some of the members of my family (who shall remain nameless), that just needs to lash out when the button gets pushed. (But I've never hit a woman and I never will. so don't worry about that, sweetheart)
And it took me a few hours more with some reading, some writing and a swim thrown in before I was ready to back there and apologize again. I knocked on her door, no answer, knocked again, said 'are you home?', no answer.... saw the light of the TV on so I knew she was there, knocked a third time and the door opened, M silent, went back to the bed, lay down her body turned away from me. I hadn't realized that I had scared her in the previous encounter, but she doesn't really know me that well, and if she felt afraid for her safety, who could blame her. Of course I reassured her that I've never hit a woman and never would, and it didn't take us long to reconnect, but I was pretty lame and not the best of partners clearly.
However from there it was really nice, some dinner together at a street place that I like and who likes me. some soup at a neighboring street place, an ice cream from the 7-11, and then we were both pretty whipped. She had a bit of a fever and a sore neck, so we retired to my room where I worked on her for awhile (massage, that is) and she said, 'when did you study massage?'. I guess I did something right that day. It felt really good to have her head in my hands, to look down at her face and feel genuine warmth and connection, to take care of her, show her love and care, as she doesn't have a lot of that in her life. She took herself to the hospital for her appendectomy, took herself home, had a few people look in to help her, but did most of it on her own. Tough little character, and she is expressing some sadness and fear about when I leave, 'who is going to hug me and take care of me? Who going to make me laugh?'
Uh you could find somebody in about a minute if you wanted to... I say, and of course I hope that she doesn't. We still need to figure out the nature of what it is that we're doing here. Is it a great month in Asia, or something more? That does seem to be the question of the week.
Well since we got a great night's sleep last night on her day off.... in bed by 9pm instead of the usual 4am, I have some good energy going and am ready to get back on the creative train, see if I can come up with something new or finish something that is in the hopper. I've had a few days of low creativity, and that has been bringing up my self critical 'what the heck am I doing' voice. A voice that is only really quiet when I've got something musical going on. Though come on, dude, give it a rest. It's been an amazing spurt of music while here, and I've definitely stepped it up in my career. The other night in the bar, I got to play a set with this French guy who I had jammed with 3 weeks ago. He is a GREAT GUITARIST! in the Django Reinhart vein, knows a ton of swing tunes and plays ridiculous soloes if there is anyone who can keep up with him. Apparently, I'm the only one who can, as he just has to show me the tune one time and I can then join in. I interspersed a couple of my new tunes into the set, 'Happy Finnish Girls' is a certified hit and he's like 'whose song is this?' Uh right here, mon ami. Wow 'great song', and I also added 'Who grabbed your ass?' which is another old timey type thing that is a perfect bar song. The point being that maybe I can turn off the self criticism for a little while and just enjoy myself? Wow, novel concept...
But I probably can't so the second choice is to get back to work and make something happen. There is a gentle breeze blowing, it's cooled off a bit from the recent heat wave (I know I'll get a ton of sympathy from my friends in Boston and Chicago, right?), and I'm ready to get back on the horse. Speaking of which, M and I have a little joke, a bunch of them actually, but the one that comes to mind is when she calls me her Khao Soi Cowboy. Khao soi is the local delicacy, brown curry over chicken and local noodles (DELICIOUS). I ask her if she wants to be a cowgirl? Oh well, you get the picture? Speaking of which I need to get some pictures of her and me. I'll make that happen this week, otherwise it'll be too late. Happy today, haven't thrown one wallet or bashed my head once. Now as we approach her door, she'll tell me three times, 'be careful honey' then two second later, 'be careful honey'.
Did I mention that joke line from my Boom Boom song? Can't remember, and I'll be damned if I read through all these posts. The line is... 'I said it's the right time, she says it's delight time'. (just to check it out, I wrote 'the right time' on a piece of paper and asked M to read it. she said 'de light time') It's a joke that will get missed in the song, but I get it anyway. I guess that would be a triple entendre. (that no one will get but me... (sigh)
No comments:
Post a Comment