Before Dawn

Ah yes, hope is still alive, though I've had to go through some kind of reverse purification process to get there. When I got home from SE Asia, feeling disconnected and sad, it was quite easy to slip into some habits that might appear to soften the blow, but in fact, only delay the inevitable (and make me feel like hell to boot). Specifically, I'm talking about smoking pot, which has always been the definition of a double edged sword for me. I'm drawn to it, I create like crazy when I use it, and it's way to easy to overdo it, which leads to the inevitable crash. I've learned (over and over and over again) that I can't keep it around the house. Some people can, I'm not one of them, because if it's around, I use it way more than is profitable. Just the way it is, I suppose.

And I have some kind of ritual where I have to throw out the last bit of it, empty the pipe into the toilet (yes, Dr Freud, I empty the pipe into the toilet, because if I just threw it in the garbage, I'd simply dig it out of there and hit it again). And it's an interesting phenomenon to actually dispose of it, because there is a little voice that says, 'don't do it, Rich, you'll want it tomorrow'. But the stronger voice wins out when I reach a certain point, as if my soul is saying 'enough, time to get back on track'. That happened the night before last, so yesterday was the transition day in which I felt like shit, had low energy, was emotional and needed to sleep, which I did. There was a party I was invited to last night, and I likely would have gone, but for the fact that I was in bed by 8 o'clock.
And I got a full night's sleep, not all in one piece of course, which would be a miracle, but all told, I must have gotten 8 hours and that's a rarity.

So here I am before 6am, awake and feeling the stirrings of positive energy coming back my way. I don't feel great yet, too early for that, too sniffly and wheezy for that, but a cup of coffee, a Saturday crossword, an 8am dance class, then 4 mini performances to open up the preschool fundraiser, and I'll be pretty happy.

OK here's something that's been bugging me. Today I have an opportunity to show my stuff to a few hundred families over the course of the day, and it has occurred to me that it's time to grab some names for a mailing list so I could contact these folks for any upcoming early childhood stuff that I might want to produce. Most professionals will do this as a matter of course, but I have an aversion to the process. Mostly because I'm so weak with the technology, not sure the best way to organize the names, is it a facebook group or a yahoo group or why don't I have an assistant to do this for me. In other words it goes into the swirl of 'I can't do it' and it rings out as a 'no sale'. So much easier to just let it slide and move on to the next thing. I have a STRONG DESIRE to do just that. I don't really have anything planned for early childhood (though if I had a current list of a thousand names who think I'm awesome, I could create some profitable events right here in town). I hate this little conflict, by the way, it brings up a lot of self-criticism. (as if I needed an excuse for that). Ah I feel the binge talking, and it's not making a whole lot of sense. But what the hell, just write the confusion and think of it as a 'learning experience' a fucking, self-hating learning experience, because I need to punish myself just a little bit more... yeah (he said self-mockingly) What a pretty picture...

Well it's after 6am, time to conclude this masterpiece and get in the shower. This piece of crap writing feels like an AA assignment from some guy trying to climb out of a ditch. (I guess if the shoe fits...). I don't have to publish it, but I still don't give a shit if stuff is embarrassing, as long as it's true. That's been the threshold for this blog, and if someone, including me, doesn't like it, that would be tough shit. I don't want to hurt anybody, but I do like to err on the side of truth. It just feels simpler that way. Gonna keep on walking forward...