Feeling pretty good this morning, got a ton of exercise yesterday, including a morning dance class, an afternoon round of disc golf and then a fitness class at 4:30. Yeah, when there's no work, one can take care of the body and today I feel pretty firm, at least on the physical level. Mentally, not bad either, though I'm concerned that I haven't heard from M in a few days, and I wish that I would.
I had written her what she calls 'the angry email' last week, in which I basically thanked her for making it easy to say goodbye to her. She had called me up a few times after going out drinking with friends and pulling all-nighters. I was getting sick of hearing her like that, so I wrote an email to the effect of 'you say you're not an alcoholic, but you're acting like an alcoholic'. It wasn't exactly a good bye letter, but I did want to be on the record about how I feel about this kind of stuff. It wasn't totally negative either, there were positive things in there, but the tone was pretty strong.
She finally got around to checking her email and reading it and of course was upset by it. 'If you want to have someone who doesn't drink or smoke, you have to find someone else' or words to that effect. We've had a little bit of back and forth since then, but I think she's hurt and not wanting to make contact... at least on the phone. For me, I see things in terms of process, and I tried to explain that in a subsequent email. That was how I was feeling on that date, this is how I'm feeling now, which is different, life goes on and let's keep talking. That's my view anyhow, and I don't know if it's shared. But I hope so.
What I told her in my last email (which I don't know if she has read) is that I don't expect her to change for me. But I would at least appreciate the sense that she understands my concern and would be willing to at least consider the possibility of meeting me halfway on it, just like I'd do if the situation were reversed. It gets to that relationship place where some people say, 'this is who I am, take it or leave it' and others might be more willing to discuss, compromise, try and work it out. That's what I was trying to express, and we shall see if the idea makes any sense to her. I hope that it does, and I haven't given up on this connection. I feel like there is something profound for me to learn here, and even though I might be being totally naive (wouldn't be the first time), I have a sense that M and I are great friends and there is more to the story than a wonderful month and a half in Thailand. But I can only control my part in it, and not too well sometimes, so I'll just wait and see, and react accordingly.
The sun actually shined yesterday and for the first time in the three weeks that I've been home, I got out in it and actually enjoyed being outdoors. The weather has definitely been sucky, but I know that my negative attitude has exacerbated the dreariness. Whatever... it was just great to get out in it yesterday, even though the next storm is rolling in some time today so the gray and wet will continue. But the rain hasn't hit yet, I've got another day off, so what say we hop in the car with my dirty jeans and boots and head over for some muddy disc golf. think of it as a walking meditation and some nice exercise with target practice thrown in. Ah, the idle Rich...
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