Oh yeah, when we left our intrepid (and lonely hero), he was in need of some 'companionship', some 'stress relief', some 'connection' (I wonder how many euphemisms I could come up with for 'good lovin' which of course is another euphemism for sex). OK there, I said it. And though I thought that I'd be tight-lipped about it, nope, no can do, as the way things played out was like something out of 'Master-piece Theater' (nearly a euphemism) , and was extremely 'blog-worthy' as it were, and what the hell, I don't have anything to hide (he said nervously)
Now how's that for an intro.... If I were reading someone's blog and they led off with that paragraph, I bet I'd keep reading....
Oh darn, something's come up, I guess I won't write about it after all... LOL
In this corner, from Great Britain is the lovely, charming, beautiful, age appropriate C, she of the spiritual demeanor. In the next corner is the Lovely Fallen Thai Angel, M, my squeeze from last year, someone who I'm just crazy attracted to. In the far corner is the hard-working, salt of the earth, industrious N, who's got a mad crush on me apparently, and whose company and cappuccino I enjoy on a daily basis... before heading off to write at the internet cafe. There was something about the placement of the three women that made for a great story board in this week's episode of the telenovela, and that's why I have to try and capture the interplay. It was like something on a chessboard.
Let's start with C. 'C' for chaste, like the kiss she gave me after our tango and beer date about 5 days ago. We were really comfortable together, very attracted to one another, though she indicated that she's in a different space vis a vis boy-girl stuff since she has started embracing Buddhism in the past few years. She's on a purity path, but what does that really mean, especially in the face of genuine attraction and the glow that you feel with certain people. I met up with her again by accident when she showed up a few nights ago at CU Corner with a friend of hers, (male) someone she's known over the years here. It was nice to see her, but that's not an environment in which to connect, so I kind of backed off from the table and manned the grill, where on Friday nights, Jeff offers a little barbecue for his regulars. (It's a way to get folks in early, and a good investment on his part). They were a little short handed on Friday, so I asked if it would be OK for me to take over on grill. They were pleased and grateful. It made it easier for M and Dau to concentrate on the customers...
Of course I would rather have been chatting up C, maybe finding a quiet spot, but oh well. Better to just take some space because 'absence makes the heart grow fonder, right'? Then at around 11, she was ready to leave, her buddy wanted to keep hanging out, so 'would I mind walking her home?' Uh, no, I wouldn't mind at all (he said while his heart skipped a beat. My lovely chaste princess had had two beers, one of them a large, so she was a bit tipsy. We went hand in hand toward her place, I had my guitar over my back since I was maybe gonna play that night, and we decided to sit for a bit. Had a sweet conversation, I shared a few songs and then took her back to her guest house. Another kiss, still chaste. I said, do you want to 'kiss' me? (like for real). And she did want to and didn't want to... that sweet spot where desire and reluctance converge. I didn't push in the slightest but she kinda kept her mouth there and offered a little glimpse into opening up, just that hint of a chaste kiss becoming a real kiss, as she was working out whatever she had to work out. It was sweet and it got my 'attention' or the beginning of my attention. Ah, we shall see where this leads... She said she'd call me when she had some free time, and I took her at her word, with the understanding that there was to be nothing gained from me pushing things. It had to come from her for it to work.
In the meantime.... I had been seeing M at the bar, watching her smoke and drink, knowing that she would often go out after work and continue drinking. I knew it was something I couldn't embrace as far as being in a 'relationship', but damn, there's this attraction and knowledge of how well we ahem 'fit together', so there were two times this week, where I invited her to come over after work if she wanted to. The first time, I realized that it was a bad idea, and I went back there to tell her, 'no, bad idea'. The reason for my change of heart was twofold. I didn't want to hurt her, have her love me but the two of us still be stuck in the 'I'm not gonna be in a relationship with you while you're drinking heavily' and all the familiar dialogue that results from that interaction. We've covered it, she's got her stance, I've got mine, 'been there done that'. The second reason is that if I were to 're-up' (there's a euphemism I hadn't considered) with M, that would be the end of the C drama, and I didn't want to let that one go just yet. And then Saturday night, same thing, between the loneliness and the attraction, I invited her again, and she said she'd think about it. I said,' but only if you haven't been drinking heavily'... a compromise, if you will, can we meet halfway? She didn't show... not surprised, maybe a tiny bit relieved, but oh well. Definitely conflicted.
Meanwhile back at the cappuccino, N is delighted every time I walk through the door. We've had some nice conversations, she likes to 'joke' that even though a lot of people ask her to do stuff, go for a beer, to a party, and she always refuses, she would go with me. She'll grab my arm with a laugh as if we're walking around town. Some of her Thai customers come in and say who's that handsome Farang etc, and she's obviously interested and kinda turned on. I think she's awesome, high character, smart, good perspective, but alas.... (I'm just not attracted... almost, but not enough) I'd be just like the ones she complains about who are here one minute and then off chasing someone the next. True. So yesterday when there was no one else but us in her place, I said, 'you know, I'm not your boyfriend, right?' I just wanted to make sure it was clear to her. I wouldn't want her laboring under some misconception that I was someone worth pursuing. She says, 'I know I know' I'm just joking with you. I say, OK, as long as we understand each other...
Meanwhile back at C, she calls me up two days after the previous 'walk-home' and says she has some free time. (I got the call while ordering my afternoon cappuccino from N, as I was about to go off to the Sunday afternoon party that Brian had invited me to). But hey, party shmarty, C wants to visit with me, quick change of plans, I'll go to the party later, "I'll be there in 15 minutes" is what I told her. Headed in her direction, my guitar over my back again. She came downstairs, had a hug, I asked he how she was, and she's 'not so good'. She's got some kind of low thyroid thing, the Thai medication wasn't the same as the stuff she's used to, she's not feeling great. We go around the corner to sit on a shaded bench and have a chat. And now I get that her agenda is to basically 'not lead you down the garden path' (sounds like poth, charming) and she's telling me that she likes me and is attracted, but wants to make sure that I'm not into pursuit mode, as she 'just doesn't want to do what she's done in the past (pahst), which is have a holiday romance that makes her lose her equilibrium. She says she's preparing for a week-long meditation retreat in a few weeks and wants to really be clean and clear. I got it, we talked, we still like each other, OK. As part of the conversation, I said, 'OK I'm going to cross you off my list' and I saw her flinch slightly. I said, 'does it bother you that I say I'm crossing you off my list?' She says 'of course it does'. And it brings up the age-old dilemma of when someone is approaching you, you tend to retreat, when someone retreats, it's like, 'hey where are you going?' So even though it's her call, her need to feel safe etc, there's still that 3 percent of her that is probably not convinced of the 97 percent and wants the connection or the holiday romance or whatever... And of course I was struck by the juxtaposition of me protecting myself from someone who was pursuing, and then a half hour later, playing the opposite role in the equation... (hmmm this is getting blog-worthy I thought to myself).
So now I'm heading off to the party and I pass by M's street, and it occurs to me that usually on her day off, she stays alone and maybe she'd like to come along with me. I called her (with my new loaner phone) and said that I was going to the party and would she like to come with. 'I'm going with someone else, I'll see you there' was her reply. I figured it was with some guy, and sure enough she showed up with a Paul Giamatti (actor) type guy, a little awkward in his body, not great looking, obviously into M, I figured he had hit the jackpot. It was a little hard for me to watch, those two off on the side chatting it up, and I manufactured a scenario in which he was the type of guy who would really take care of her, be there for her, help her, maybe not the most attractive catch, but reliable, good boyfriend material. I considered exiting the party, feeling lonely, not wanting to watch the inevitable hooking up of M (so I thought), but I hung in, played some music, got a great free meal and enjoyed some time with friends...
I introduced myself to her 'friend' we shook hands and I was going to be mature and just accept things for what they were. A half hour later, I heard him tell friends that he was leaving, and I thought, whew, that's a relief, now I won't have to watch the burgeoning romance anymore. He and M went to the street and I said goodbye, and she said, 'I'm not leaving yet'. Huh? What? But your friend is leaving. 'Yeah, but I'm staying'. So dude hops on his scooter and is off, and I say to M, isn't that guy your boyfriend? 'Why you think everybody is my boyfriend? Can't I have a friend? I tell you that I have a friend and he has a girlfriend, and we just friends' I was a bit stunned, having been so sure of my percaptions of what was going on, not even considering other possibilities. Kinda gives me pause, as I was so sure of what I was seeing, and later came to see that it was a figment of my jealous imagination.
About now, the mediocre musicians took a little break and my friend Dominic grabbed a guitar and started playing a few swing tunes. I picked up the bass, and was able to lock in with him to make some of the best music of the night thus far. He's pretty good, a tad nervous and tends to cut songs off sooner than I would. Hey, it's a party, let things stretch out a bit, people start singing along better, harmonizing better etc, but I've got decades of doing this kind of stuff and have the accrued wisdom. But it was still pretty good. He does a few songs and asks me to sing some. I start with Dream, and on cue, Dau comes up to the other mic and starts singing. It's 'her song' after all, and she's so adorable that everyone is smiling, and for the first time, I can harmonize and she holds on to her part and it's sounding great. I lead a few more songs, then grab the bass to back up someone else singing 'Lay Lady Lay'. I notice that M is really into the music, taking a few pictures, staring at me.
Then in the middle of a song, as I'm doing my best to hold it together on bass, she comes up and says, 'Do you want to do something after the party?' I was kinda shocked, especially because a half hour earlier I had been watching the beginning of her new romance (allegedly). 'Uh sure', I replied, and my mind snapped into, 'holy crap, this is a surprise'. I was little buzzed at this point having had a beer and my first toke in about a month... (strong herb, glad I just had one). She's like, 'are you drunk'? I say, 'do you realize how ridiculous it is for you to be asking me something like that?' But I was difinitely altered, and it concerned her. I also told her that under the circumstance, that was ridiculous too. (the old, 'shoe is on the other foot' scenario). So she finishes her 4th (maybe 5th) can of beer (on her day off when she usually doesn't drink, but this is special, it's Brian's party. (and that doesn't even make a dent with her). And now it's time to go. She's got high heels on, a short skirt, looks like a 'bar girl', which she is, but not 'that' kind of bar girl... (the kind you can pay the bartender 500 baht and take the girl home). And we look for all the world like a typical farang dude and paid escort, which you see all over.... Oy...
We grab a tuk tuk back to my place, go in and heads are turning. The receptionist who is always nice and friendly to me, is suddenly icier (even though M has been there 40 times over the past year) Usually however she shows up when the night crew is on. The receptionist asks M for some ID, I guess that's the treatment that an escort would get. It was a trifle embarassing, but what are you gonna do? We go upstairs.
Would you believe that C calls at this juncture to tell me that she's had a change of heart and could I come over? Actually that didn't happen, just testing to see if you're paying attention :-) But I will digress for a second and talk about the DH Lawrence book 'Sons and Lovers' that I just finished. Set in early 20th century England, Lawrence shocked the literary world by writing openly about matters sexual, not being graphic about it, (by today's standards anyhow) but being quite thoughtful, nuanced and passionate. At one point, the protagonist in the book (who was a stand-in for the author himself, it's largely autobiographical) has this experience of raw, primordial lust that is way beyond himself per se. It's the male energy, the life force that supercedes morality, personality, individuals. It's beyond those temporalities. And after a few weeks of loneliness, thwarted passion, some heartache, on this night, I went all DH Lawrence in room 514. Like in Spinal tap, 'this one goes up to 11'
And after experiencing that 'when the earth moves' (Hemingway's description in 'For Whom the Bell Tolls', I started thinking about my Uncle Ben, after whom I'm named. I don't know much about him, only that he was a life long bachelor and died in his 50s in bed with his girlfriend. (great namesake for me, huh?) There's something to this name Richard Ben Glauber. And I was so spent, drained, pleased and glad that my heart was still knocking out those 72 per minute, but if a guy was gonna go, especially a guy named after Uncle Ben, this would have been the scenario. So me being me, I turn it into shtick. 'Not yet, Uncle Ben' I implore, 'not yet'. And M is now in on the shtick and she's got a new nickname for my uh, member. She says, 'hello Uncle Ben' (I'm cracking up as I type this).
And as a postscript, let me close with something you might judge or not understand or abhor. M and I had a conversation a few weeks ago in which she said that her friends think she's stupid if she sleeps with a farang and doesn't get paid. There's big money in that trade here, everything from 'happy finish' massages, to 'bar girls' to 'soapies' when you get bathed and vanquished by the woman of your choice. (no I haven't had the pleasure). Now here's a woman who doesn't do that, she's been my lover last year and now this year without any money trading hands. It's lust and love and friendship and real. And I'm thinking, I can make her month's salary in a one hour library performance in Portland. And her month's work is 6 days a week, 10 hours a day of hustling and working hard. Additionally, I'm not averse to paying for sex, and let's say I wanted to do that. I could 'buy' some pleasure, rent a person who would do what I wanted, do it for the money, no strings, wham bam, thank you Siam. But could I ever pay money and have someone who loves me, who fucks me because she wants to, who is as good a sexual partner as I've ever had? (and vice-versa I might add). Um, no I couldn't. That's not available for money. So as we're in the midst of our Henry Miller, DH Lawrence, Hemingway 're-enactment', I'm thinking, I want to share money with her. It's only fair. It's right. It's just. But I wouldn't want her to feel that I'm treating her like a prostitute. (whatever that means). So after we were calmed down a few hours later, I broached the subject and asked if she would be OK with accepting some money. I talked about the stuff that I just mentioned about, and said that if she's OK with it, I'd like to give her some money. And I did. And it's right. (and the winner is..... me)
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