Don't it always seem to go...

Don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you got til it's gone.... (Joni Mitchell)

It's almost like a mind trick to want what you don't have, the 'grass always being greener' and all that. It was just so crystal clear that M and I should go our separate ways. And then last night, there she is in the bar, working hard, gorgeous, sexy, smiling and wow, wouldn't it be amazing to be with her.... It's as though my mind is intentionally playing this game with me to make me nuts. And my dreams too... I had one this morning in which I was taking a walk, I go by this cafe and there is M sitting with a guy I know, and since it's early in the morning I know they've been out together all night. Weird how the mind is processing this stuff.

I had a strange night last night, beginning with a terrific set for Ladies Night at CU Corner, my regular Tuesday gig. We played a ninety minute set for an appreciative crowd and I was feelin' it. My voice was strong, the band was tight, I felt like a pro. I had had a talk with the rhythm player, Aussie Dave, who last time out, was drunk, off tempo, too loud and not fun to play with. He loves making music with me, but I told him that if that happened again, sorry, I can't do it. I can't be worrying about the guy to my right, when I'm trying to work the crowd, make it happen etc. I said it in a respectful way, just the straight information, and he showed up last night cold sober, played perfect and it was excellent. Of course I complimented him a lot. That felt good.

M was very busy, very friendly to me, and at her best, especially early in the evening before the drunks start slurring and the place turns more depressing (to me). And of course my mind is going, look at her, she's so lovely, she so loves me, why couldn't we.... (this is the first day after the super clarity of why we need to let eachother go, and right away, the mind wants to make it work). I played bass on Apple's set, then got out of there around midnight, back to my lonely room, a little lump in my throat at seeing her stuff cleared out of there. Read a bit, didn't sleep well, woke up before daylight with a very anxious and constricted heart, missing her, looking over where she had slept the past 10 nights and she's not there. So I'm consciously reminding myself of all the reasons why this is the way it is, but they don't really ease the anxiety. Breathe....

And I'm experiencing the loss and at the same time marveling at the process in which one day it's crystal clear in a certain direction and the next day there is acute 'seller's remorse'. Well it's a journey, and even though the pain can be overwhelming for a few minutes, wait, that's overstating it, it's not overwhelming, merely whelming (but I digress), yet it doesn't last, unless you fixate on it. And in a Buddhist country like this, I'm moved to find that middle path, let the feelings come, but don't hang on to them. 'Let it come and let it go' is the way I wrote it in a song last year, and there is truth in that sentiment. Feel it, experience it, let it go to make room for the next feeling.

And I'm definitely taking comfort in the routine of writing in the morning, exercising at noon, music in the afternoon (with a nap in there because I can't seem to sleep through the night). Tonight is tango night, a pleasant diversion, life goes on. I'm thinking of that statement which I alluded to in a previous post, though I didn't write the complete statement. 'Before enlightenment... chop wood carry water... after enlightenment... chop wood carry water' Am I enlightened? not hardly... but I feel like I'm on some kind of path. On the camino....

Broke out some new material in the set last night, including yesterday's acquisition, 'The Race is On' Damn, I love that song and pulled it off pretty well, given the speed and volume of the lyrics. I'll be doing it more. Also sang BoomBoom for the first time this year and it felt great. People liked it. And D, who dates a lady boy, caught my inappropriate line which is in the verse that goes.

Boom boom, she looks like Beyonce
Boom Boom don't tell my fiancee
Boom Boom you fill my heart with joy
Boom Boom you shoulda said you was a lady boy
Boom Boom we did it every which way
Boom Boom just like Cirque de So Gay
Come on up to my bedroom
Everybody needs a little Boom Boom Boom

When I wrote it, I figured it was a gay thing, but since my dinner meeting with Lana, I realize that it's not quite that. After the set, D said, 'Did you say Cirque de So Gay?' Amazing that he was paying that close attention... I don't know if I need to change the line. I like the line, and I suppose I could justify it as the misguided notion of someone who just had a surprise experience, rather than as a PC reference to the proper lady boy sex vernacular... and how's that for a conundrum? (PC lady boy references) Only in Thailand, eh...

Do you know how much I make for a 90 minute, well-received set? 400 Baht, $13, which I shared with ace guitarist Scott. I keep a little extra of it for two reasons. It's my gig, and he gets a couple free drinks on the set which is a perk. So I made about $7.50 compared to his $5.50 and no, I don't think I could survive here as a musician. Actually, that's not entirely true, I could get some gigs, do some teaching and make some kind of money if I was motiviated. Better probably to make some real dough selling some of these tunes that I write, who knows, maybe I'll actually try doing that back in the US. No guarantees of course, but if I were to live here someday, I'd need to have a good stream of money coming in....

Well I have a student in an hour and I'll get the full 400 baht for myself, woohoo, I'm rich! In the meantime, I'll keep feeling, keep reading, keep moving, keep writing, keep playing, keep chopping wood and carrying water. And yeah, there's a little piece of my heart that is hurting. The more you open, the more vulnerable you are. Sweet life....