One of those dreams...

I had 'one of those' dreams last night... when the universe is making contact. I was walking in a field and there was a commotion below me on the right. A big iridescent dragonfly was trapped in some kind of vine and was struggling mightily to escape. It was about twice the normal size and throwing off magical blues and greens as it fought and fought for it's freedom. I wanted to help free it, but I was afraid to get bitten or stung, so I didn't get involved. The vine was shaking, lots of energy. It finally freed itself and flew right at me, I had to duck as it whizzed past, and though it didn't touch me, I felt a jolt in my core... one of those 'this is important' messages.

Coincidentally, (or not) I'm feeling quite sad about the prospect of leaving the emotional security of Chiang Mai, the connections, the friendships, the home. It's always hard to leave this place. Got a wistful song going in my brain as I prepare to depart. Night train to Bangkok and beyond in two days time.

Alone again, don't know if I can take it
My heart is trying not to cry
Need a friend, I hope that I can make it
Before the chance has passed me by

(that's not too good I realize... just wanting to write down the vocal cadence so I can return to it later...)

I think what's happening lately is a delayed grief about the end of my relationship with Oh.  Both years when I left Chiang Mai, my heart was hurting at the separation from her, and I'm experiencing it again, even though the circumstances are completely different.  We've spent very little time together, next to none, which is for the best, really.  I know that I hurt her when I broke it off long distance, and she is quite rightly keeping her distance.  Who could blame her.  But the fact is that aside from the great physical connection we had the last two years, there was a big heart connection too, and I'm in touch with it strongly, now that I'm preparing to leave.  In spite of all the cultural, practical and lifestyle differences between us, we did have a genuine heart to heart tie, and those things are hard to let go of, maybe even more-so on the road.  I've been here before and I'm here again.

I think the dream represents the struggle in letting go.  I think I am the dragonfly who is caught in a web, struggling and then breaking free into the next chapter.  I'm OK, I know how to deal with stuff, sometimes you just have to feel it, cry about it, let it go.  Or as the song says, 'Let it come and let it go'.