Yup that was me at the microphone last night in the noisy, non-paying attention cacophony of the CU Corner. I got the feeling that I could have sung any damn words at all and it would have made exactly zero difference... after all, who's paying attention to the music. It's just background for the loud conversations that everyone is having. And I felt something get triggered... some kind of 'what's the use, I'm too old for this shit' vibe that I have found to be a dangerous one over the years. I actually did make up a couple of verses about what's the use of singing for a bunch of drunks when it doesn't matter anyway and no one even registered a flicker of recognition that things were out of the ordinary. White noise...
The worst is when a couple of people who had allegedly come to see me perform were sitting real close to the mic and were having a loud conversation with their new friend as I was singing 5 feet away. That level of insensitivity and lack of awareness is kind of mind blowing to me, but I guess it's just the way things are these days.
So it helped me access my 'diva state' which is to feel insulted, offended, frustrated etc, and all the more so because I had been spending time preparing for this night, made a list of songs I wanted to do, warmed up my voice, got in the right state of mind to share, and was then met with the hopeless and useless wall of noise and indifference. A pretty good version of hell for the likes of me. It's just not what I do.
And of course, the feelings of anger and the desire to run the fuck away from here tell me that there is some potent material in this stuff, and for the first time in my week on the road, I'm anxious to dig in and see what I can find.
Coupled with the sense of uselessness I experienced last night is the lousy interaction I've been having with my 'friend' J, or at least I thought he was my friend. He's a guy I've known over the years here and we've had lots of conversations about relationships, wordplay, heart to heart stuff. This time around, I've found him to be relentlessly cynical in my direction, making fun of my 'messiah complex', making fun of my facebook posts about the light and the spirit and the good vibes which are certainly a theme in what I post. (and at this point, the computer I was using crashed and I thought I had lost the previous paragraphs... a perfect metaphor for how it's been going lately). But fortunately the blogger site saves as I write, so here on this new computer, I can continue...
And that's a pretty apt metaphor as well... step away, take a break, enforced or otherwise, and then wade back in. So here I am. (Hineni, said Moses... here I am) here I am...
That thing with the friend is so tied in with family of origin hurts and it's part of what made me realize that I couldn't live in NY, had to get away from the accusations about being an egotist and attention seeker. I am those things on some level... maybe all of us are, but my desire for connection and light and special communication are the basis of who I am... not to make myself better than others, but to connect, to get to the place of 'Here we are'. And all the drinks and I phones and cigarettes and cynicism serve to block out that light, keep it fragmented and hidden. Sorry, that ain't what I do. I know that it's true and I know that I'm here to serve the light and the connection. It's a fact. I serve therefore I am... Servito ergo sum...
The best part of last night was playing bass with my Thai friend, Apple. It's that effortless, pro musician communication which we've always had, and it's akin to 'love'. There is eye contact, knowledge of what the other is doing, the ability to follow... heavenly. We're friends and his English is such that we don't have much to talk about... it's in the music, and it's real. If we get a moment, I want his opinion on how he is able to play for folks who aren't listening and keep his good humor and equanimity. I have a feeling there is something big to learn there.
At one point, owner Thaew came up and told Apple that Claire was going to sing a song, and that our set was over. Claire is a young Brit who was leaving Chiang Mai in a day or so, and this party was in her honor. She said she just wanted to sing, not play, so I ended up accompanying her on guitar. I asked her what she wanted to sing and she said 'Leaving on a Jet Plane'. I said let me hear where you want it... sing a bit, so she did. I found the key and off we went. Her voice was beautiful and expressive, she closed her eyes put her whole soul into it... and still the people were talking. They couldn't take a minute to STFU and listen to the woman who the party was honoring. (allegedly) And I played as sweetly as I could, accompanied her well, and it was a beautiful moment, at least on stage... With the voices in the background talking talking talking.
Afterward I was sitting with some friends, drinking a glass of wine. J was chatting up a cute Thai woman who teaches English at an elementary school. I asked about coming in to visit and doing a few songs with the kids. She was into it, J said something snide about it, somehow belittling my desire to connect with the local kids......Dude we have to talk, this ain't gonna work. After this entry, I'm gonna write him the non-violent communication version of 'don't be fucking with me if you want to be my friend'. I'd rather do that than stew silently and separate emotionally... I like the guy, he's one of the reasons I was excited to come back to Chiang Mai. We shall see... Here I am...
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