Well that sucked...

Yup, that sucked last night, but there was a bright spot nonetheless.  The sucky part was the fact that I was totally pumped to make music last night... follow up the Christmas Eve fun with even more.  Oh yes, the dreaded 'expectations' got me again.  I was all ready, had thought it through, but it wasn't to be.  These three fine musicians have been rehearsing and they have come up with an insular band that isn't really looking to do anything except hog the stage and make their music.  Last night, one of them, Pavel wasn't available so I filled in and got to do the thing I do... involve the audience, help orchestrate the show.  This time, no way.  They were doing their thing, and even though there were a bunch of players who wanted to contribute, they just kept playing and playing as if no one else mattered.  Bang... I got out of there with a bit of a bad vibe.

And I had a dream that I went to talk to them about it, give some feedback about how they hogged the show and didn't give anyone else a chance.  And my feedback was met with total rejection, I was totally wrong, totally dismissed, it was so real.  I was kind of amazed that they couldn't even begin to see what I was talking about, but it was such a strong slap down that I received.  I ended up skulking out of the bar, feeling totally misunderstood and victimized.  And when I woke up in bed and realized that it was just a dream, that I hadn't called them on it, it was such a relief.

It's all about ego.  I was so bummed that I didn't get to do my thing, and I couldn't really enjoy what was happening... a room full of nice people having a Christmas party.  Nope, it was all about me not getting what I wanted and that totally colored, even destroyed the experience.  I mean there is some legitimacy to what I was feeling... I know there were other players there who wanted to contribute as well, but the strong feeling I got was that I was being mistreated... or rather my ego was being mistreated.  And I guess I'm not at the evolutionary point where I can just let it ride and dig what is.  But at least I didn't compound it by calling them on it... The dream says... 'Don't do that'.  (much as I fucking want to...)  So instead of it being a big fuckin' deal, I guess it's just a case of 'well that sucked'.  Let's move on.  Yes let's.