Here I am back at the same Hong Kong Airport where I marveled at the fact of finding a Starbucks some 8 weeks ago, when I was on my way to Thailand. I've gotten to know this airport a little better than I need to, by virtue of the fact that I had to spend the night here last night due to my carelessness in booking the itinerary, but it wasn't too bad. I managed to grab a few hours sleep, and now that my teeth are brushed and my face is rinsed off, I feel pretty decent... ready to hang out about 7 more hours here before catching a 14 hour flight to LA and eventually Portland. No complaints at all, I'm healthy and my attitude is quite good.
Yesterday I spent a nice visit with Peter Martin and his girlfriend at their place in Bangkok; he even picked me up from, and dropped me back off at the airport in Bangkok, as his place is pretty close to there. If I couldn't get hold of him, I was figuring to make my way into the city to have a look around (still haven't seen it yet, but this was probably better, as I got a little rest and relaxation, not to mention air conditioning. It's really sticky in Thailand now, a good time to be heading out of there. The heat and humidity just sap and zap you.
Tried to share my 'All I want this holiday is you' love song with Peter and his Thai lady, but it was too emotional, and I could barely make it through. I was really feeling the lack of M by the late afternoon. It was kind of funny in a way. I was doing fine until Peter's girlfriend (Sangh) came home from her school, and when I started hearing her voice and her way of speaking, it totally brought up memories of M, and I started losing it, especially when I tried to sing. (I'm sure there is a joke about sing and sangh but it's not occurring to me at the moment). Although I do remember the one about a Boston Redsox pitcher, a Korean named 'Song Sung'. Some Sports Illustrated writer composed some funny verses about baseball names for a preseason issue and he wrote.
'Neil Diamond's words turned out to be true
Boston reliever Song Sung blew'
I'm not feeling blue at the moment, and I'll just see how the thoughts proceed as I rewind my trip, kind of like letting the tape measure go back into the case. I really did open myself up to another person, but equally true is the fact that I love 'the ladies' and those two truths seem somehow self-canceling, and unresolvable. But rather than assume to know how it plays out, I'll just observe and make my decisions based on what I find along the way. The internal camino. That has certainly been the theme of the past couple of months. There is a lot of comfort in the notion that I don't need to have all the answers. Better to 'seem to be a verb' and take it moment to moment. Like right now, for instance...
Out
Probably had THE best bar night ever last night
It started when Jeff (owner) asked if I could play the opening set, as he had had a cancelation. Uh yeah, sure I could, would love to in fact, as Friday is a perfect night to play there. They put on a little free barbecue for the regulars, so there is a built in crowd. I did my thing, people really enjoyed it, got to perform many of my new compositions which is really satisfying.
His girlfriend Dao is the actual owner of the bar, as she is Thai, and it's just much simpler to have it all in her name. Anyhow, she is a great person, and we really appreciate each other. At one point, she was 'joking around' with me by pretending to put a little hex on me that I would return here from America. It was all light-hearted, but mystical me, I picked up something a little voodoo in it all. In a good way, that is. I mean lots of people are indicating that I should live here and come back here and make music here, but there was something just a little bit different about Dao's approach. So I wanted to ask her about it, which I did when there was a lull in the proceedings.
And we had a great talk, with her telling me that she knows I'm a good person and that there is some force that wants good people to join with other good people. She said that it wasn't about me coming back here to be with M, that wasn't her intention, but she did want to put it out there in the ether that this is where I belong. And I'm just mystical enough to feel that Dao's joking approach, wasn't really a joke at all, but a spiritual message that carries a lot of weight. It's just a sense that I have, and if I've learned anything over the years, it is to trust those little intuitions and be open to them. So I am.
My set was a lot of fun, and I was followed by this Thai guy who was pretty good, especially when he started laying down some Marley tunes. I grabbed a guitar, plugged in and started laying down some bass lines, leads and harmony vocals and it became a great little jam session. Afterward, 'Downtown Johnny', who is one of the more intriguing characters around here, played a set and I back him up also, along with some other singers and percussionists and it was a total howl. This was due partly to the fact that Dao took it upon herself to get me drunk. I never have more than one beer, but since it was my last night, she gave me about 4 of them, wanting me to not know what my own name was. So I got a nice buzz on, smoked a few cigarettes and made like everybody else, instead of being the clean and sober member of the group. Nice change of pace.
Back to Downtown Johnny, he's about 60, combat veteran of the Vietnam War and it definitely screwed him up. He also has dealt with leukemia, perhaps related to that experience, but he's living on a $3000/month psychological disability from the army, which is a lot of money for these parts. He's also a drunk, thougha nice one, tends to put the negativity on himself, rather than lashing out, so by the end of the night, he's usually lamenting and calling himself 'retahded' in his Maine accent.
So why am I so intrigued by the guy? Because he's an amazing singer and guitarist, with the kind of transcendent voice that just rocks the room. He can belt it out, he can sing really high and falsetto and every time he straps on, the room has a different chemistry to it. It's uncanny. I'm the opposite, very controlled, sophisticated in my playing, non-adventurous with my singing, but still good to listen to. He is super impressed with me, calls me 'an entertainer and a great musician' and I'm super impressed with him, just a marvelous vocalist who sends chills up your spine, kind of like Stevie Wonder can do when he reaches back and rips it vocally. And we're opposites as far as Vietnam is concerned too, he was a front line combat soldier, I was a hippie kid protesting in front of the White House. That sense of opposites attracting is very strong between the two of us, and it was deeply satisfying to play the final set with him, have it work out in a big way and rock the house together. It's a music thing and a friend thing, and last night's energy was the peak of it somethow. Especially when it got late and Jeff was wanting to quiet it down, Johnny started playing 'A Day in The Life' by the Beatles, complete with that noisy crescendo that made the whole place go nuts. We were screaming, banging things getting absurdly louder and louder and something got really freed up in that section. Carnaval and Purim and Mardi Gras all rolled up together. Unforgettable...
Spent a lovely night with M afterwards, no grieving, I think we've been pre-grieving enough so that there's not much more left to suffer, at least on this end. It's been a beautiful ride and maybe there will be more to come. Either way, we'll be friends and supporters, so let's just see what unfolds and we'll go from there. (at least that's how I feel today at 4pm) I'll make a farewell appearance at the bar tonight, maybe play a few songs around 8pm, say farewell to my friends and then try to get a decent night's sleep before some huge travel. I have 3 books to read, a guitar to play, and before I know it, I'll be in Portland, OR. Hard to imagine, but it's true...
Out...
His girlfriend Dao is the actual owner of the bar, as she is Thai, and it's just much simpler to have it all in her name. Anyhow, she is a great person, and we really appreciate each other. At one point, she was 'joking around' with me by pretending to put a little hex on me that I would return here from America. It was all light-hearted, but mystical me, I picked up something a little voodoo in it all. In a good way, that is. I mean lots of people are indicating that I should live here and come back here and make music here, but there was something just a little bit different about Dao's approach. So I wanted to ask her about it, which I did when there was a lull in the proceedings.
And we had a great talk, with her telling me that she knows I'm a good person and that there is some force that wants good people to join with other good people. She said that it wasn't about me coming back here to be with M, that wasn't her intention, but she did want to put it out there in the ether that this is where I belong. And I'm just mystical enough to feel that Dao's joking approach, wasn't really a joke at all, but a spiritual message that carries a lot of weight. It's just a sense that I have, and if I've learned anything over the years, it is to trust those little intuitions and be open to them. So I am.
My set was a lot of fun, and I was followed by this Thai guy who was pretty good, especially when he started laying down some Marley tunes. I grabbed a guitar, plugged in and started laying down some bass lines, leads and harmony vocals and it became a great little jam session. Afterward, 'Downtown Johnny', who is one of the more intriguing characters around here, played a set and I back him up also, along with some other singers and percussionists and it was a total howl. This was due partly to the fact that Dao took it upon herself to get me drunk. I never have more than one beer, but since it was my last night, she gave me about 4 of them, wanting me to not know what my own name was. So I got a nice buzz on, smoked a few cigarettes and made like everybody else, instead of being the clean and sober member of the group. Nice change of pace.
Back to Downtown Johnny, he's about 60, combat veteran of the Vietnam War and it definitely screwed him up. He also has dealt with leukemia, perhaps related to that experience, but he's living on a $3000/month psychological disability from the army, which is a lot of money for these parts. He's also a drunk, thougha nice one, tends to put the negativity on himself, rather than lashing out, so by the end of the night, he's usually lamenting and calling himself 'retahded' in his Maine accent.
So why am I so intrigued by the guy? Because he's an amazing singer and guitarist, with the kind of transcendent voice that just rocks the room. He can belt it out, he can sing really high and falsetto and every time he straps on, the room has a different chemistry to it. It's uncanny. I'm the opposite, very controlled, sophisticated in my playing, non-adventurous with my singing, but still good to listen to. He is super impressed with me, calls me 'an entertainer and a great musician' and I'm super impressed with him, just a marvelous vocalist who sends chills up your spine, kind of like Stevie Wonder can do when he reaches back and rips it vocally. And we're opposites as far as Vietnam is concerned too, he was a front line combat soldier, I was a hippie kid protesting in front of the White House. That sense of opposites attracting is very strong between the two of us, and it was deeply satisfying to play the final set with him, have it work out in a big way and rock the house together. It's a music thing and a friend thing, and last night's energy was the peak of it somethow. Especially when it got late and Jeff was wanting to quiet it down, Johnny started playing 'A Day in The Life' by the Beatles, complete with that noisy crescendo that made the whole place go nuts. We were screaming, banging things getting absurdly louder and louder and something got really freed up in that section. Carnaval and Purim and Mardi Gras all rolled up together. Unforgettable...
Spent a lovely night with M afterwards, no grieving, I think we've been pre-grieving enough so that there's not much more left to suffer, at least on this end. It's been a beautiful ride and maybe there will be more to come. Either way, we'll be friends and supporters, so let's just see what unfolds and we'll go from there. (at least that's how I feel today at 4pm) I'll make a farewell appearance at the bar tonight, maybe play a few songs around 8pm, say farewell to my friends and then try to get a decent night's sleep before some huge travel. I have 3 books to read, a guitar to play, and before I know it, I'll be in Portland, OR. Hard to imagine, but it's true...
Out...
For all we know....
Just before leaving on this SE Asia trip, I learned a few songs via my friend Kim Donahey, who is a musical comedy singer in Eugene. She likes the same kind of schmaltz that I do, show tunes, stuff from the 30s and 40s, and she had a list of songs that she thought were great ones. One of them really hit me back then, a ballad about a guy going off to war and wondering if he'll ever see his sweetheart again. It's really a beautiful melody and progression, and I was touched by it, and I'm now being retouched by it as I'm preparing to say goodbye to M. And I wonder if we'll ever see eachother again...
For all we know, we may never meet again
Before you go, make this moment sweet again
We won't say goodbye until the last minute
I'll hold out my hand and my heart will be in it.
For all we know, this may only be a dream
We come and go like a ripple on a stream
So love me tonight, tomorrow was made for some
Tomorrow may never come for all we know
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Just writing it out with the melody in my head makes me get choked up. It's really hard to say goodbye, as we've established a very beautiful heart connection, spent every night together, cherished eachother in a very big way. What an interesting paradox that brings up all of the emotions! It's so easy to swirl into all of the old programming; 'it's just a honeymoon, Rich, you know that it ends and reality takes over' 'You know that the Thai women are just trying to hook a Farang for economic reasons' 'How would it be to really live with her for an extended period of time?' Lots of noise circling the heartfelt core of finding someone who I adore being close to. There's a chemical piece to it that is undeniable, the smell and taste of it feels like home. Can't fake that part of it.
She seriously tells me that she would wait for me if that's what I wanted, and I believe her, strange as it sounds. Realistically, the soonest I could get back here would be in November, assuming that I'd make a nice chunk of income in September and October as happened this year, but that's not a sure thing either. That was based on the fact that my success at last year's PBIS generated a lot of fall work, and there's no guarantee that I'll duplicate that result. (especially after playing the converence about 12 hours after arriving back in Eugene). but I'm gonna try.
My sense at the moment is that I can make no promises until I leave this place and regather my perspective back home in Oregon. It would be stupid to be sure of anything until I see who the new version of myself happens to be. So I'm faced with the inevitability of a tearful and heart wrenching separation, a shock to the system and then whatever happens. We're both kind of scared about it. We were up holding on to each other in the middle of the night last night and it was exquisitely painful to consider the fact that time is just about gone. There's a lump in my throat just thinking about it. For all we know...
For all we know, we may never meet again
Before you go, make this moment sweet again
We won't say goodbye until the last minute
I'll hold out my hand and my heart will be in it.
For all we know, this may only be a dream
We come and go like a ripple on a stream
So love me tonight, tomorrow was made for some
Tomorrow may never come for all we know
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Just writing it out with the melody in my head makes me get choked up. It's really hard to say goodbye, as we've established a very beautiful heart connection, spent every night together, cherished eachother in a very big way. What an interesting paradox that brings up all of the emotions! It's so easy to swirl into all of the old programming; 'it's just a honeymoon, Rich, you know that it ends and reality takes over' 'You know that the Thai women are just trying to hook a Farang for economic reasons' 'How would it be to really live with her for an extended period of time?' Lots of noise circling the heartfelt core of finding someone who I adore being close to. There's a chemical piece to it that is undeniable, the smell and taste of it feels like home. Can't fake that part of it.
She seriously tells me that she would wait for me if that's what I wanted, and I believe her, strange as it sounds. Realistically, the soonest I could get back here would be in November, assuming that I'd make a nice chunk of income in September and October as happened this year, but that's not a sure thing either. That was based on the fact that my success at last year's PBIS generated a lot of fall work, and there's no guarantee that I'll duplicate that result. (especially after playing the converence about 12 hours after arriving back in Eugene). but I'm gonna try.
My sense at the moment is that I can make no promises until I leave this place and regather my perspective back home in Oregon. It would be stupid to be sure of anything until I see who the new version of myself happens to be. So I'm faced with the inevitability of a tearful and heart wrenching separation, a shock to the system and then whatever happens. We're both kind of scared about it. We were up holding on to each other in the middle of the night last night and it was exquisitely painful to consider the fact that time is just about gone. There's a lump in my throat just thinking about it. For all we know...
Music Music Music
Spent hours and hours playing with the French virtuoso Daniel yesterday afternoon. He pulled out his Django Rienhart fake book and we read through a bunch of songs, holy crap I could hardly believe I was playing this stuff. It moves really quickly, has beautiful changes and is flat out fun to jam on. He is a ridiculously good guitarist who was on his way out of town with his Thai wife. She was ready to split, but he pleaded that it's the last time he'll get to play with me, so please. one more hour, OK? It's the kind of thing where he doesn't get to have a rhythm player lay it down for him too often, and when he finds one, he likes to stretch out and let it rip. This was one of the few times I regretted not having a little video camera with which to roll tape and upload to Youtube. Just a great time playing, learning (it was definitely a guitar lesson for me) and I need to revisit some of those Django voicings he showed me). I ended up with a nice blister on my thumb from gripping so hard. Well worth it.
Afterwards I gave a guitar lesson to my friend Al, that focused on the diminished chord, which to me is what separates hamronically interesting music, from the normal stuff that everybody plays. There are a number of ways that you can use it, and I showed him a few examples. He was way into it and asked if we could get together today for another go-round. He says, 'I know you're busy, but if you have time...' To which I replied, 'dude I am anything but busy, and if you're into it, let's do it'
So we're on for 3pm this afternoon, same time, same station. And he downloaded the Django fake book into his 'stick', and will print out a copy for me to take home. Very cool news, that. (I can add it to my other books that I don't hardly use). kidding, I'll use this one, it's a great reference work.
I even managed to concentrate long enough to get a good way into the next song, which is called 'American Song' Here's what I have so far.
D7..................................G7..............
There's a certain music that everybody knows
C7........................................F......................
Can't say where it started, but I sure know where it goes
D7....................................G7................
Right around the circle, hang on it won't be long
......Bb.........Bdim.........F........D7.........G7........C7.......F
On a railroad line to a simpler time you'll find an American Song
Beethoven used this harmony, ain't nothing new under the sun
Six goes to the Two chord, Five goes to the One
If you add a little ragtime, all your friends can swing along
And if I'm blue here's what I do, I play an American song
Up a lazy river with Sweet Georgia Brown
Shine On Harvest moon, over the sleepy town
McCartney took a crack at it when he wrote Rocky Raccoon
Nice one, Paul, but all in all it's still an American tune
Afterwards I gave a guitar lesson to my friend Al, that focused on the diminished chord, which to me is what separates hamronically interesting music, from the normal stuff that everybody plays. There are a number of ways that you can use it, and I showed him a few examples. He was way into it and asked if we could get together today for another go-round. He says, 'I know you're busy, but if you have time...' To which I replied, 'dude I am anything but busy, and if you're into it, let's do it'
So we're on for 3pm this afternoon, same time, same station. And he downloaded the Django fake book into his 'stick', and will print out a copy for me to take home. Very cool news, that. (I can add it to my other books that I don't hardly use). kidding, I'll use this one, it's a great reference work.
I even managed to concentrate long enough to get a good way into the next song, which is called 'American Song' Here's what I have so far.
D7..................................G7..............
There's a certain music that everybody knows
C7........................................F......................
Can't say where it started, but I sure know where it goes
D7....................................G7................
Right around the circle, hang on it won't be long
......Bb.........Bdim.........F........D7.........G7........C7.......F
On a railroad line to a simpler time you'll find an American Song
Beethoven used this harmony, ain't nothing new under the sun
Six goes to the Two chord, Five goes to the One
If you add a little ragtime, all your friends can swing along
And if I'm blue here's what I do, I play an American song
Up a lazy river with Sweet Georgia Brown
Shine On Harvest moon, over the sleepy town
McCartney took a crack at it when he wrote Rocky Raccoon
Nice one, Paul, but all in all it's still an American tune
Boom Boom (self explanatory)
Here's one of the more crowd pleasing numbers I've ever created. The groove is up-tempo, kind of a calypso feel, simple chords ala Brown Eyed Girl, Pata Pata etc. It's a bar song.
Boom Boom
I saw her at the Tha Pei Gate
She was stepping out of a tuk tuk
Oh God did she look great
Had to take a second look look
I went over and said hello
Little smile went across her face
Pretty soon it was time to go
She and I went back to my place
Boom Boom Hour by hour
Boom Boom Under the shower
Boom Boom Just like the younger days
Boom Boom Baby let me count the ways
Boom Boom Long as you're able
Boom Boom Under the table
Come on up to my bedroom
Everybody needs a little Boom Boom Boom
Bridge
Baby I'm gonna treat you right
Me love you day and night
Oh come on let me show you
So glad I get to know you
Boom Boom I said 'it's the right time'
Boom Boom She said 'it's delight time'
Boom Boom There ain't no wrong time
Boom Boom Me love you long time
Boom Boom You say you love me
Boom Boom Climb on above me
Come on up to my bedroom
Everybody needs a little Boom Boom Boom
Bridge
Boom Boom On the veranda
Boom Boom Your wish is my commanda
Boom Boom Took five so we could unwind
Boom Boom Then we went back to the grind
Boom Boom We did it every which way
Boom Boom Right out of Cirque du Soleil
Come on up to my bedroom
Everybody needs a little Boom Boom Boom
Boom Boom She looks like Beyonce
Boom Boom Don't tell my fiance
Boom Boom A day I'll never forget
Boom Boom Oh lord, please not yet
Boom Boom Who's bangin' up against the wall?
Boom Boom Must have been the alcohol
Come on up to my bedroom
Everybody needs a little Boom Boom Boom
Boom Boom Three days in Bangkok
Boom Boom I better go see the doc
Boom Boom Shoulda used protection
Boom Boom I got an infection
Boom Boom My lady caught me red handed
Boom Boom It's a double standard
Boom Boom I think my marriage is doomed
All because of that Boom Boom Boom
Boom Boom
I saw her at the Tha Pei Gate
She was stepping out of a tuk tuk
Oh God did she look great
Had to take a second look look
I went over and said hello
Little smile went across her face
Pretty soon it was time to go
She and I went back to my place
Boom Boom Hour by hour
Boom Boom Under the shower
Boom Boom Just like the younger days
Boom Boom Baby let me count the ways
Boom Boom Long as you're able
Boom Boom Under the table
Come on up to my bedroom
Everybody needs a little Boom Boom Boom
Bridge
Baby I'm gonna treat you right
Me love you day and night
Oh come on let me show you
So glad I get to know you
Boom Boom I said 'it's the right time'
Boom Boom She said 'it's delight time'
Boom Boom There ain't no wrong time
Boom Boom Me love you long time
Boom Boom You say you love me
Boom Boom Climb on above me
Come on up to my bedroom
Everybody needs a little Boom Boom Boom
Bridge
Boom Boom On the veranda
Boom Boom Your wish is my commanda
Boom Boom Took five so we could unwind
Boom Boom Then we went back to the grind
Boom Boom We did it every which way
Boom Boom Right out of Cirque du Soleil
Come on up to my bedroom
Everybody needs a little Boom Boom Boom
Boom Boom She looks like Beyonce
Boom Boom Don't tell my fiance
Boom Boom A day I'll never forget
Boom Boom Oh lord, please not yet
Boom Boom Who's bangin' up against the wall?
Boom Boom Must have been the alcohol
Come on up to my bedroom
Everybody needs a little Boom Boom Boom
Boom Boom Three days in Bangkok
Boom Boom I better go see the doc
Boom Boom Shoulda used protection
Boom Boom I got an infection
Boom Boom My lady caught me red handed
Boom Boom It's a double standard
Boom Boom I think my marriage is doomed
All because of that Boom Boom Boom
Telenovela
'Telenovela' is how my Spanish speaking friend Jeya describes this blog. That's the Mexican version of the soap opera, which millions of people tune in to watch on a weekly basis, to see whether the handsome doctor has recovered from his amnesia, or the secret love child has been discovered or the father has slept with his son's girlfriend. Well hey, if the zapato fits... (see what I did there? :-)
Before I update the novela, I just triggered a memory from a long time ago, when I was a twenty year old, tall dark and handsome gringo tripping around Mexico for the first time. I was in major 'adventure mode', hiking over mountains with local indians, getting to places where they hardly spoke Spanish, let alone English, spending every night in my hammock, never paid a dime for lodging in two months. I remember going into this pueblo and talking to some locals for a few minutes. This fifteen year old girl starts talking to me; she was holding a comic book version of the telenovela, a little teenage harlequin romance comic, poplular in those days. In all seriousness, she asked to go with me on my travels. She was in some fantasy land of 'here comes the tall stranger into town to rescue me from my boring life, and we'll go off together for true love... or God knows what... I remember being struck with the sincerity and seriousness of her desire to run of with me. (Trust me, dear, you're better off here.... have a tortilla)
Had a great day yesterday, though not without drama. M and I got a great night's sleep (a rarity) and went off for a big breakfast of two entrees each, two coffees each and a $10 tab for me, the big spender. It's a place that she turned me onto a few weeks ago, incredible food, fun atmosphere, and like most of the places in the central zone, very dependent on the Farang for it's economic health. But is that a bad thing? I don't think so. It's a balancing act to be sure, but it seems to work here in that Chiang Mai is a great and safe and comfortable place for us to be, and in turn we provide a lot of the engine for their economy. It's working, I believe.
We separated after the meal, she to get ready for work, me to write and read, swim and work on music, and gracias a Dios, I've got the next tune coming down the turnpike. It's called 'American Song' and I'll likely finish it today and then put up some lyrics. It has to do with a progression that goes D7 G7 C7 F which among other things is the basis for 'Sweet Georgia Brown', 'Up a Lazy River' 'Shine on Harvest Moon' 'Rocky Raccoon' and more... so now I'll write my version of that song too. Hey if Hoagy Carmichael and Paul McCartney can do it, why not Glauber? (he asked rhetorically)
Last night my plan was to not go to my hang out bar (CU Corner, is the name), because I didn't want to watch M smoke and drink, didn't want to judge, just let her do her thing, and if I don't see it, then I don't get tweaked. It worked, she did her gig and I did mine, in this case I played some music with friends at a place around the corner. There was a slight problem in that, because when I'm holding forth in that way, people tend to gravitate to the music, and I felt that we sucked a bit of business from the CU, which made me uncomfortable. I wouldn't want to make a practice of setting up so close by, but then again, they're not paying me, and I like to play and I've asked for a slot there, so hey, what can I say? I'm a musician, and if people are drawn to it....
Among the folks drawn to it are my Hebrew buddies, Kevin and Harris, and it just turned into another hysterical night of laughter and improvisation and major schtick. It's what we do, and that's also part of the reason that people want to hang out in that environment. Uh, it's funny? Ain't enough humor in the world, and people have the instinctive desire to be around laughter. But the louder we got, the more I was concerned that Jeff, owner of CU would feel betrayed and pissed about our setting up so close by to his place. Oh well, I think we'll all survive it, but I'll check in with him today to get a read on the situation...
Also drawn to the music were two 6 foot tall Dutch women, (12 lineal feet of Netherlands dames, both of them drop dead gorgeous). M and I had met them a few nights ago as we shared a table at a local street food place and we had a lot of fun with eachother. It's not like I was attracted or anything... (right, Rich) Actually I was super attracted to both of them... and you know, the Dutch are very liberal in their attitudes about sex and all... as my mind started spinning into fantasy land.
So they showed up last night and sat down with me and the boys and the Zimbabwe women who have become a fixture, and the Lebanese guy, and the American Thai owner, and it was a very fun scene, singing Elvis songs, Beatles, Glauber originals, Doors, whatever. But these 12 feet of Dutchness, OMG how cute, early thirties, very cool, both had done modeling gigs and were about to be in a friend's music video, both of them very into me and my creativity. Why, if I was single, I would have tried to figure out a way to test out the 'liberal attitudes' alluded to in the previous paragraph. Seriously. So there's the rub (or lack of rub). How can I be totally fulfilled in a sexual way, which I definitely am, yet still want to 'Go Dutch' as it were. It's a little microcosm of my skirt chaser history, and the fact that I had such a strong reaction to it, makes it feel 'blog-worthy'.
Because the first thing that happens is that I feel guilty about that attraction. Even though I didn't 'do' anything. In my mind, yeah, I'd do plenty, and that fantasy knowledge has always felt like a failure in some way, as if I'm 'supposed' to not be attracted out there. In the past, I would use that guilt as a (what's the word I'm looking for) justification, for the fact that I didn't deserve a relationship. I'm too much of a horn dog to be in a relationship. I want to fuck every good looking woman I see, how can I stay with one person? it's too compelling out there, adios... And along with that, 'how could I do this to the one who loves me? how would I feel if she had the same attitude? I couldn't take it. equals adios... it's less frightening to just forget about relationship and be 'free' to do what I want. Though of course the word 'free' is meant ironically, because it's a freedom based on something that feels the opposite of free. (one of those knots that RD Laing wrote about?)
Intellectually I know that 'guilt' is not the best response to feeling attracted, but I'm programmed somehow to go there first. I'd like to rewire that pattern, and I think I got a glimpse about how to approach it. There I am in bed with M, we just had a ridiculously great night of 'connection', and I'm now thinking about the Netherlands, lying in bed with my chinese/thai girlfriend, starting to feel guilty (in between fantasies, that is) So what if I can treat that little mind trip the same way that I've been treating the other mind trips that I do? Can I experience the feeling, really feel it, and then move on from it, rather than linger there and stew. When I started consciously thinking in those terms, there was an immediate relaxation of the guilt reflex, as if 'I'm on the right track'. So that's the plan for today and hopefully into the future. Feel it, don't judge it, have a look at it, and then let it go to see what pops up next (pun intended, can't help it).
Cut to commercial and then scenes from next week's episode... fade out....
Before I update the novela, I just triggered a memory from a long time ago, when I was a twenty year old, tall dark and handsome gringo tripping around Mexico for the first time. I was in major 'adventure mode', hiking over mountains with local indians, getting to places where they hardly spoke Spanish, let alone English, spending every night in my hammock, never paid a dime for lodging in two months. I remember going into this pueblo and talking to some locals for a few minutes. This fifteen year old girl starts talking to me; she was holding a comic book version of the telenovela, a little teenage harlequin romance comic, poplular in those days. In all seriousness, she asked to go with me on my travels. She was in some fantasy land of 'here comes the tall stranger into town to rescue me from my boring life, and we'll go off together for true love... or God knows what... I remember being struck with the sincerity and seriousness of her desire to run of with me. (Trust me, dear, you're better off here.... have a tortilla)
Had a great day yesterday, though not without drama. M and I got a great night's sleep (a rarity) and went off for a big breakfast of two entrees each, two coffees each and a $10 tab for me, the big spender. It's a place that she turned me onto a few weeks ago, incredible food, fun atmosphere, and like most of the places in the central zone, very dependent on the Farang for it's economic health. But is that a bad thing? I don't think so. It's a balancing act to be sure, but it seems to work here in that Chiang Mai is a great and safe and comfortable place for us to be, and in turn we provide a lot of the engine for their economy. It's working, I believe.
We separated after the meal, she to get ready for work, me to write and read, swim and work on music, and gracias a Dios, I've got the next tune coming down the turnpike. It's called 'American Song' and I'll likely finish it today and then put up some lyrics. It has to do with a progression that goes D7 G7 C7 F which among other things is the basis for 'Sweet Georgia Brown', 'Up a Lazy River' 'Shine on Harvest Moon' 'Rocky Raccoon' and more... so now I'll write my version of that song too. Hey if Hoagy Carmichael and Paul McCartney can do it, why not Glauber? (he asked rhetorically)
Last night my plan was to not go to my hang out bar (CU Corner, is the name), because I didn't want to watch M smoke and drink, didn't want to judge, just let her do her thing, and if I don't see it, then I don't get tweaked. It worked, she did her gig and I did mine, in this case I played some music with friends at a place around the corner. There was a slight problem in that, because when I'm holding forth in that way, people tend to gravitate to the music, and I felt that we sucked a bit of business from the CU, which made me uncomfortable. I wouldn't want to make a practice of setting up so close by, but then again, they're not paying me, and I like to play and I've asked for a slot there, so hey, what can I say? I'm a musician, and if people are drawn to it....
Among the folks drawn to it are my Hebrew buddies, Kevin and Harris, and it just turned into another hysterical night of laughter and improvisation and major schtick. It's what we do, and that's also part of the reason that people want to hang out in that environment. Uh, it's funny? Ain't enough humor in the world, and people have the instinctive desire to be around laughter. But the louder we got, the more I was concerned that Jeff, owner of CU would feel betrayed and pissed about our setting up so close by to his place. Oh well, I think we'll all survive it, but I'll check in with him today to get a read on the situation...
Also drawn to the music were two 6 foot tall Dutch women, (12 lineal feet of Netherlands dames, both of them drop dead gorgeous). M and I had met them a few nights ago as we shared a table at a local street food place and we had a lot of fun with eachother. It's not like I was attracted or anything... (right, Rich) Actually I was super attracted to both of them... and you know, the Dutch are very liberal in their attitudes about sex and all... as my mind started spinning into fantasy land.
So they showed up last night and sat down with me and the boys and the Zimbabwe women who have become a fixture, and the Lebanese guy, and the American Thai owner, and it was a very fun scene, singing Elvis songs, Beatles, Glauber originals, Doors, whatever. But these 12 feet of Dutchness, OMG how cute, early thirties, very cool, both had done modeling gigs and were about to be in a friend's music video, both of them very into me and my creativity. Why, if I was single, I would have tried to figure out a way to test out the 'liberal attitudes' alluded to in the previous paragraph. Seriously. So there's the rub (or lack of rub). How can I be totally fulfilled in a sexual way, which I definitely am, yet still want to 'Go Dutch' as it were. It's a little microcosm of my skirt chaser history, and the fact that I had such a strong reaction to it, makes it feel 'blog-worthy'.
Because the first thing that happens is that I feel guilty about that attraction. Even though I didn't 'do' anything. In my mind, yeah, I'd do plenty, and that fantasy knowledge has always felt like a failure in some way, as if I'm 'supposed' to not be attracted out there. In the past, I would use that guilt as a (what's the word I'm looking for) justification, for the fact that I didn't deserve a relationship. I'm too much of a horn dog to be in a relationship. I want to fuck every good looking woman I see, how can I stay with one person? it's too compelling out there, adios... And along with that, 'how could I do this to the one who loves me? how would I feel if she had the same attitude? I couldn't take it. equals adios... it's less frightening to just forget about relationship and be 'free' to do what I want. Though of course the word 'free' is meant ironically, because it's a freedom based on something that feels the opposite of free. (one of those knots that RD Laing wrote about?)
Intellectually I know that 'guilt' is not the best response to feeling attracted, but I'm programmed somehow to go there first. I'd like to rewire that pattern, and I think I got a glimpse about how to approach it. There I am in bed with M, we just had a ridiculously great night of 'connection', and I'm now thinking about the Netherlands, lying in bed with my chinese/thai girlfriend, starting to feel guilty (in between fantasies, that is) So what if I can treat that little mind trip the same way that I've been treating the other mind trips that I do? Can I experience the feeling, really feel it, and then move on from it, rather than linger there and stew. When I started consciously thinking in those terms, there was an immediate relaxation of the guilt reflex, as if 'I'm on the right track'. So that's the plan for today and hopefully into the future. Feel it, don't judge it, have a look at it, and then let it go to see what pops up next (pun intended, can't help it).
Cut to commercial and then scenes from next week's episode... fade out....
Resolution du jour
No not a resolution as in 'I resolve to not eat meat', more a resolution about yesterday's dilemma. After I got clearer by writing in the blog about M's smoking/drinking, I went over to apologize to her for being judgmental. She hadn't done anything wrong, she was just being herself, including the fact that she's not hiding anything from me, not sneaking off for a smoke or a drink, just being who she is. So it was my turn to apologize, which I did.
But apparently I wasn't totally chilled out yet, because as I stepped outside to wait for her to go grab a coffee or something, I fuckin crushed the top of my head on the wall above her door. It's a little bitty doorway, 6 foot tall, just perfect for the tall farang to smash his dome on if he's not paying attention, and I really hit the corner square on. Nearly knocked me down, but what it did do was enrage me to where I pulled my wallet out of my pocket and hurled it across the room at the refrigerator, making it rain money and credit cards all over the room. Just a quick burst of rage and I was OK, but it shook her and she was scared was I going to hit her or something? Christ, what a child I can be sometimes.
So I said I guess I wasn't ready to hang out yet as I gathered up my stuff, loaded up my wallet and headed down the road. I had gone just a short distance when I heard her call out from behind me, and apparently I had missed a couple of items, my drivers license and visa card. Uh yeah, I could probably use that stuff, though on some level it would have served me right to show up somewhere, reach for my card and not find it. But I do have that burst of rage gene, typical of some of the members of my family (who shall remain nameless), that just needs to lash out when the button gets pushed. (But I've never hit a woman and I never will. so don't worry about that, sweetheart)
And it took me a few hours more with some reading, some writing and a swim thrown in before I was ready to back there and apologize again. I knocked on her door, no answer, knocked again, said 'are you home?', no answer.... saw the light of the TV on so I knew she was there, knocked a third time and the door opened, M silent, went back to the bed, lay down her body turned away from me. I hadn't realized that I had scared her in the previous encounter, but she doesn't really know me that well, and if she felt afraid for her safety, who could blame her. Of course I reassured her that I've never hit a woman and never would, and it didn't take us long to reconnect, but I was pretty lame and not the best of partners clearly.
However from there it was really nice, some dinner together at a street place that I like and who likes me. some soup at a neighboring street place, an ice cream from the 7-11, and then we were both pretty whipped. She had a bit of a fever and a sore neck, so we retired to my room where I worked on her for awhile (massage, that is) and she said, 'when did you study massage?'. I guess I did something right that day. It felt really good to have her head in my hands, to look down at her face and feel genuine warmth and connection, to take care of her, show her love and care, as she doesn't have a lot of that in her life. She took herself to the hospital for her appendectomy, took herself home, had a few people look in to help her, but did most of it on her own. Tough little character, and she is expressing some sadness and fear about when I leave, 'who is going to hug me and take care of me? Who going to make me laugh?'
Uh you could find somebody in about a minute if you wanted to... I say, and of course I hope that she doesn't. We still need to figure out the nature of what it is that we're doing here. Is it a great month in Asia, or something more? That does seem to be the question of the week.
Well since we got a great night's sleep last night on her day off.... in bed by 9pm instead of the usual 4am, I have some good energy going and am ready to get back on the creative train, see if I can come up with something new or finish something that is in the hopper. I've had a few days of low creativity, and that has been bringing up my self critical 'what the heck am I doing' voice. A voice that is only really quiet when I've got something musical going on. Though come on, dude, give it a rest. It's been an amazing spurt of music while here, and I've definitely stepped it up in my career. The other night in the bar, I got to play a set with this French guy who I had jammed with 3 weeks ago. He is a GREAT GUITARIST! in the Django Reinhart vein, knows a ton of swing tunes and plays ridiculous soloes if there is anyone who can keep up with him. Apparently, I'm the only one who can, as he just has to show me the tune one time and I can then join in. I interspersed a couple of my new tunes into the set, 'Happy Finnish Girls' is a certified hit and he's like 'whose song is this?' Uh right here, mon ami. Wow 'great song', and I also added 'Who grabbed your ass?' which is another old timey type thing that is a perfect bar song. The point being that maybe I can turn off the self criticism for a little while and just enjoy myself? Wow, novel concept...
But I probably can't so the second choice is to get back to work and make something happen. There is a gentle breeze blowing, it's cooled off a bit from the recent heat wave (I know I'll get a ton of sympathy from my friends in Boston and Chicago, right?), and I'm ready to get back on the horse. Speaking of which, M and I have a little joke, a bunch of them actually, but the one that comes to mind is when she calls me her Khao Soi Cowboy. Khao soi is the local delicacy, brown curry over chicken and local noodles (DELICIOUS). I ask her if she wants to be a cowgirl? Oh well, you get the picture? Speaking of which I need to get some pictures of her and me. I'll make that happen this week, otherwise it'll be too late. Happy today, haven't thrown one wallet or bashed my head once. Now as we approach her door, she'll tell me three times, 'be careful honey' then two second later, 'be careful honey'.
Did I mention that joke line from my Boom Boom song? Can't remember, and I'll be damned if I read through all these posts. The line is... 'I said it's the right time, she says it's delight time'. (just to check it out, I wrote 'the right time' on a piece of paper and asked M to read it. she said 'de light time') It's a joke that will get missed in the song, but I get it anyway. I guess that would be a triple entendre. (that no one will get but me... (sigh)
But apparently I wasn't totally chilled out yet, because as I stepped outside to wait for her to go grab a coffee or something, I fuckin crushed the top of my head on the wall above her door. It's a little bitty doorway, 6 foot tall, just perfect for the tall farang to smash his dome on if he's not paying attention, and I really hit the corner square on. Nearly knocked me down, but what it did do was enrage me to where I pulled my wallet out of my pocket and hurled it across the room at the refrigerator, making it rain money and credit cards all over the room. Just a quick burst of rage and I was OK, but it shook her and she was scared was I going to hit her or something? Christ, what a child I can be sometimes.
So I said I guess I wasn't ready to hang out yet as I gathered up my stuff, loaded up my wallet and headed down the road. I had gone just a short distance when I heard her call out from behind me, and apparently I had missed a couple of items, my drivers license and visa card. Uh yeah, I could probably use that stuff, though on some level it would have served me right to show up somewhere, reach for my card and not find it. But I do have that burst of rage gene, typical of some of the members of my family (who shall remain nameless), that just needs to lash out when the button gets pushed. (But I've never hit a woman and I never will. so don't worry about that, sweetheart)
And it took me a few hours more with some reading, some writing and a swim thrown in before I was ready to back there and apologize again. I knocked on her door, no answer, knocked again, said 'are you home?', no answer.... saw the light of the TV on so I knew she was there, knocked a third time and the door opened, M silent, went back to the bed, lay down her body turned away from me. I hadn't realized that I had scared her in the previous encounter, but she doesn't really know me that well, and if she felt afraid for her safety, who could blame her. Of course I reassured her that I've never hit a woman and never would, and it didn't take us long to reconnect, but I was pretty lame and not the best of partners clearly.
However from there it was really nice, some dinner together at a street place that I like and who likes me. some soup at a neighboring street place, an ice cream from the 7-11, and then we were both pretty whipped. She had a bit of a fever and a sore neck, so we retired to my room where I worked on her for awhile (massage, that is) and she said, 'when did you study massage?'. I guess I did something right that day. It felt really good to have her head in my hands, to look down at her face and feel genuine warmth and connection, to take care of her, show her love and care, as she doesn't have a lot of that in her life. She took herself to the hospital for her appendectomy, took herself home, had a few people look in to help her, but did most of it on her own. Tough little character, and she is expressing some sadness and fear about when I leave, 'who is going to hug me and take care of me? Who going to make me laugh?'
Uh you could find somebody in about a minute if you wanted to... I say, and of course I hope that she doesn't. We still need to figure out the nature of what it is that we're doing here. Is it a great month in Asia, or something more? That does seem to be the question of the week.
Well since we got a great night's sleep last night on her day off.... in bed by 9pm instead of the usual 4am, I have some good energy going and am ready to get back on the creative train, see if I can come up with something new or finish something that is in the hopper. I've had a few days of low creativity, and that has been bringing up my self critical 'what the heck am I doing' voice. A voice that is only really quiet when I've got something musical going on. Though come on, dude, give it a rest. It's been an amazing spurt of music while here, and I've definitely stepped it up in my career. The other night in the bar, I got to play a set with this French guy who I had jammed with 3 weeks ago. He is a GREAT GUITARIST! in the Django Reinhart vein, knows a ton of swing tunes and plays ridiculous soloes if there is anyone who can keep up with him. Apparently, I'm the only one who can, as he just has to show me the tune one time and I can then join in. I interspersed a couple of my new tunes into the set, 'Happy Finnish Girls' is a certified hit and he's like 'whose song is this?' Uh right here, mon ami. Wow 'great song', and I also added 'Who grabbed your ass?' which is another old timey type thing that is a perfect bar song. The point being that maybe I can turn off the self criticism for a little while and just enjoy myself? Wow, novel concept...
But I probably can't so the second choice is to get back to work and make something happen. There is a gentle breeze blowing, it's cooled off a bit from the recent heat wave (I know I'll get a ton of sympathy from my friends in Boston and Chicago, right?), and I'm ready to get back on the horse. Speaking of which, M and I have a little joke, a bunch of them actually, but the one that comes to mind is when she calls me her Khao Soi Cowboy. Khao soi is the local delicacy, brown curry over chicken and local noodles (DELICIOUS). I ask her if she wants to be a cowgirl? Oh well, you get the picture? Speaking of which I need to get some pictures of her and me. I'll make that happen this week, otherwise it'll be too late. Happy today, haven't thrown one wallet or bashed my head once. Now as we approach her door, she'll tell me three times, 'be careful honey' then two second later, 'be careful honey'.
Did I mention that joke line from my Boom Boom song? Can't remember, and I'll be damned if I read through all these posts. The line is... 'I said it's the right time, she says it's delight time'. (just to check it out, I wrote 'the right time' on a piece of paper and asked M to read it. she said 'de light time') It's a joke that will get missed in the song, but I get it anyway. I guess that would be a triple entendre. (that no one will get but me... (sigh)
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