Well I guess I've got my lifetime Valentine's Day moment which I can refer to every year, and it occurred last year, right here in Chiang Mai. I was feeling super close to M, and I got the urge to try and capture it in music, which I believe that I did. The original impulse for the song came when she met an acquaintance who asked, 'did you get a flower for Valentine's Day?' (in Thai). M replied, I don't want a flower. After we parted, she went off to get ready for work, I went back to my guitar and I started working on a song. I had the main theme within a couple of hours, then spent a couple of days coming up with a bridge that was different (and pretty darn good IMHO). I recorded a simple version of it back in Oregon in May, and that's the one that's up on Youtube.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N1hRQlCeGr8
This song trips me out in some ways, largely because I think it's quite good, very commercially viable, so it tends to bring up the 'I don't know how to market myself' despair that I have felt over the years. Note, it's not commercially viable with me as the singer, but the song itself has a kind of 'Christmas album', 'Disney movie' vibe that would probably be worth a chunk of cash.... if only one knew how to proceed.... So it's a double edged sword for me, I love the song and it bums me out. (sometimes)
And I'm in a love place once again this year, though it feels like there has been a qualitative shift in our relationship since I decided to pony up and give M the kind of support that will enable her to walk away from a job that has had her trapped for the past 15 months. Primarily it's a health issue, she is exhausted, overworked, and as long as she is working 6 late nights a week in a popular bar, there would be no way for her to break out of the smoking and drinking phase that she's in. And she does want to change that, and there is some excitement on her part when she considers some of the possibilities. It's wonderful to see, and I can imagine the possibility of the 'bad girl, I can take care of myself' woman giving way to something more healthy. She wants it, and now that she sees a way out, it seems that she is more positive and excited (and grateful).
And this is certainly no panacea, no guarantee of future anything, merely an opportunity for her to rewrite the script for the next chapter. She gave notice yesterday, said she'd stay until the end of March if need be (6 weeks) and she really wants to end the employment in a good and positive way. The high season will be over by then and it's very generous of her to give them that much time. She said that Dow (her boss) was understanding and not upset, 'you can't work here forever, it's your life', and that Jeff was more non-commital in his response, (but he's tight lipped anyway, eh). And ultimately it doesn't matter what they think about it, because it is her life, and her health and well being take precedence over just about any other consideration.
I'm on my way over there now, getting ready for another gig, after missing last Friday's due to the trip to Pai. My gigs are winding down now, as my visa is up in a mere two weeks. I could make a visa run to the border and spend my last week here with her, seems kinda likely as the time is so precious, but either way, I'm gonna be on a plane out of Bangkok at 1am on March 7, and that is coming up real soon. Am I happy about it? Not in the slightest, but I don't think there's any way around it. Even though I don't have anything on the calendar until late March, I'm afraid I can't change the ticket, since it's a combination Korean Airlines/Alaska Airlines fare. I tried to change it on the way over here when Bangkok was flooded and things felt a little sketchy, but was told that I couldn't, for that very reason. So I'll just resign myself to the reality that this thing is on the last lap. (sigh)
But 'gratitude', right? Yes indeed. In spite of the ups and downs, the turmoil and angst, it's been an incredible blessing to be here, to be connected, to experience love and music and friends and this part of the world. Will I be back? Yes I will. (enshalla)
To Give Your More.... (to receive your less)
Wouldn't it be nice to have a final few weeks without any drama, turmoil, late night worry etc, that is my goal. It's Monday morning now, which means I've just had the best of times with M, her Sunday off, time to hang out, 'connect', talk, relax, have some great food, which we did at a place on the north end of town, and then strolled back through the city, taking in some sights and getting myself better oriented to this place. Last week, our Sunday bliss was crunched by a Monday night wake up call of alcohol, upset and a new tune (part of the Al Anon album I seem to be working on). And as part of our ongoing negotiation/planning I asked her if for this next stretch of time, she could really 'take care of me', put my emotional comfort high on her list, and she said, 'of course' and me, I believe her. (stay tuned:-)
We seem to be in a different phase now (he said hopefully), as my commitment to her future, ie gifting her with a substantial chunk of change which enables her to give notice at work and embark on the next chapter, has redrawn the parameters. She does want to get out of the bar, but has been hamstrung by a lack of money, and by the fear that she won't find something else. (meanwhile, thanks to her work there, she is very connected to the Farang community, her English is good and everyone knows that she is an awesome employee. I think in this facebook world, she will come up with something great, or create it herself)
She is willing (and wanting) to 'wait for me', meaning not be with any other men, if that's what I want, and I believe her in that way also. And now her focus seems to be 'are you sure you're coming back? are you coming back to me?' And my answer is yes (with some unspoken misgivings). Nothing is ever that clear cut, at least for this over-thinker, but it sure feels like I love her and that I want to be with her.... and if we can survive this testing period of much drama and an arc like a yoyo, hey who knows, maybe there is a future for the two of us.
But that's down the road (by definition, sabes?) and right now I'm only thinking as far as her giving notice, going to visit her sister near Bangkok, and transitioning into the next phase. And I feel good about my participation in that process, stepping up and giving her what she needs, without any expectation of a personal reward down the road. Marley sang about 'give your more to receive your less', it must be from the bible, and that's where I'm coming from in this case. Let's ask Senor Google about that phrase... Hey, it is a Marley line, from the song Misty Morning, probably my all time favorite vocal by the master.... I still get tingles when I hear it.... Give it a listen, will ya...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ozf6UbTqQRA
There is one mystery, I just can't express
To give your more, to receive your less
I remember wearing out this album when I was visiting my buddy Howie (and his new wife Jane) down in the Florida keys in December1978. this turned out to be a very significant turning point for me, as I was down there for a month prior to going and finishing a degree at Skidmore College beginning in January. We were drinking Cuban coffee (Cafe Bustelo), oh yes, smoking weed, hanging out rasta style, sailing, playing music Marley was the main soundtrack. Meanwhile, back in New York, my brother Bob 'borrowed' my car, which I had just bought, wrecked it in the snow, and now I was in need of some new wheels for the upstate New York winter. I got this news over the phone when I called in from the Keys to say hi. A couple of days later, I did LSD for the last time in my life (so far, anyhow), I was 25 years old, hanging out on Howie's boat which was tied up to the dock. I had this vision that came out of nowhere and in it, I realized that it was time for me to move to San Francisco, rather than freeze in upstate NY. And so I did, no questions asked. I've been a west coast guy ever since, no regrets.... And when people say to me, 'what made you move to the west coast?', sometimes I tell them the true story.
That digression aside, the point is that there is some mystery about giving your more (to receive your less). And interestingly, it's part of the message that M has been sharing with me over the months. Not about giving to her, but about giving in general, and yeah, there is something about her which is divine and tuned in and very wise.... It's easy to get distracted by the more obvious stuff which we have struggled with, but beneath that there is a serious and deep spiritual connection... and no, you can't put a price tag on that.
We seem to be in a different phase now (he said hopefully), as my commitment to her future, ie gifting her with a substantial chunk of change which enables her to give notice at work and embark on the next chapter, has redrawn the parameters. She does want to get out of the bar, but has been hamstrung by a lack of money, and by the fear that she won't find something else. (meanwhile, thanks to her work there, she is very connected to the Farang community, her English is good and everyone knows that she is an awesome employee. I think in this facebook world, she will come up with something great, or create it herself)
She is willing (and wanting) to 'wait for me', meaning not be with any other men, if that's what I want, and I believe her in that way also. And now her focus seems to be 'are you sure you're coming back? are you coming back to me?' And my answer is yes (with some unspoken misgivings). Nothing is ever that clear cut, at least for this over-thinker, but it sure feels like I love her and that I want to be with her.... and if we can survive this testing period of much drama and an arc like a yoyo, hey who knows, maybe there is a future for the two of us.
But that's down the road (by definition, sabes?) and right now I'm only thinking as far as her giving notice, going to visit her sister near Bangkok, and transitioning into the next phase. And I feel good about my participation in that process, stepping up and giving her what she needs, without any expectation of a personal reward down the road. Marley sang about 'give your more to receive your less', it must be from the bible, and that's where I'm coming from in this case. Let's ask Senor Google about that phrase... Hey, it is a Marley line, from the song Misty Morning, probably my all time favorite vocal by the master.... I still get tingles when I hear it.... Give it a listen, will ya...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ozf6UbTqQRA
There is one mystery, I just can't express
To give your more, to receive your less
I remember wearing out this album when I was visiting my buddy Howie (and his new wife Jane) down in the Florida keys in December1978. this turned out to be a very significant turning point for me, as I was down there for a month prior to going and finishing a degree at Skidmore College beginning in January. We were drinking Cuban coffee (Cafe Bustelo), oh yes, smoking weed, hanging out rasta style, sailing, playing music Marley was the main soundtrack. Meanwhile, back in New York, my brother Bob 'borrowed' my car, which I had just bought, wrecked it in the snow, and now I was in need of some new wheels for the upstate New York winter. I got this news over the phone when I called in from the Keys to say hi. A couple of days later, I did LSD for the last time in my life (so far, anyhow), I was 25 years old, hanging out on Howie's boat which was tied up to the dock. I had this vision that came out of nowhere and in it, I realized that it was time for me to move to San Francisco, rather than freeze in upstate NY. And so I did, no questions asked. I've been a west coast guy ever since, no regrets.... And when people say to me, 'what made you move to the west coast?', sometimes I tell them the true story.
That digression aside, the point is that there is some mystery about giving your more (to receive your less). And interestingly, it's part of the message that M has been sharing with me over the months. Not about giving to her, but about giving in general, and yeah, there is something about her which is divine and tuned in and very wise.... It's easy to get distracted by the more obvious stuff which we have struggled with, but beneath that there is a serious and deep spiritual connection... and no, you can't put a price tag on that.
Richelle, 'the slave'
Let's see now, as far as 'blog-worthiness' goes, that's been my litmus test of when to pay attention with a writer's eye... so that I can recall enough details later on to be able to recreate some images. If I see, hear or interact with some experience that captures my fancy, I'll want to write about it when I go online. Today, I met someone who was so obviously blog-worthy that I might need a new moniker...'super freak' comes to mind. 'Say hello to 'Richelle'.
'She', and yes, there is some question about what pronoun to use, is mid to late fifties, If I had to guess, I'd say native Australian, but without the sure-fire Aussie accent that is unmistakeable (unless you mistake a Kiwi for an Aussie, but I digress). Smart, very articulate and creative, dressed in a skirt and halter top, fake red hair short on top but over her neck in back, possessor of a 'cock' which she must have mentioned ten times in the conversation. Yep, just another fellow traveler, Burning Man freakazoid. She's the star of her own movie, that's for damn sure, and there was enough common ground between us for quite a conversation.
Her name was Richard once upon a time and the 'Richelle' character was born at Burning Man, in the Nevada desert, and it seems to have been a major turning point in her life. I wish I could quote her verbatim, but her rap was basically that 'At Burning Man, nobody cares who you are, what you've done, where you've been. It's all about the now, so you can and should create your own character and your own script,( not too different than having an avatar in cyberspace, in one of those crazy sites that I don't know the name of, but in this case it's 'real'). Does raise some interesting questions about the nature of 'reality', like back in the acid days. The character 'Richelle, the slave' was born at Burning Man 4 years ago, and she has continued up til this day. When she told me that she sold a screenplay of her life for 1.7 million dollars, I said, 'I don't believe you'. She replied, 'that's what I love about you'.
Before that, her comment was, 'I'm going to the bathroom, and when I'm holding my cock, I'll be thinking of you'. I replied, 'I don't need to hear that'. She also called me an 'angel', and I've heard that before, so I'm OK with that descriptor. She told me that she loved me three times, (I think)
Richelle is a slave to a Thai mistress, some kinky 29 year old hottie wild thing who has a big Aussie boyfriend who totally satisfies her in every way. (apparently). And this Thai woman will text assignments to Richelle like 'you see that gorgeous woman over there with that guy. I want her on her knees in the bathroom in 5 minutes' And Richelle will go right up to the stranger, point to his mistress and say, 'do you see my mistress, she wants you on her knees in the bathroom in 5 minutes, will you be there?'. And according to her, the answer was, 'hell yes'!. There were other stories of other assignments which involve photos and video and stuff I wouldn't write about on the blog. Apparently Richelle is all about being super direct, fearless, putting it out there with no filter, and in doing so, she will attract the fellow freaks among us who are just waiting to be invited. (or something like that)
And the odd thing is that I got the strong suspicion that her mistress/slave relationship is the opposite of what you might expect. One thinks of a mistress dominating the slave, but in this case, I think the slave conjured up the mistress. 'She's my reason for living'. It's Richelle's movie and she needed a mistress, not the other way around. It's all very 'Alice in Wonderland' X rated edition, but there is much intelligence and pathos and wisdom in the Bizarro World.
And probably some desperation as well. I was totally buying her act, happy to play along... (up to a point, mind you), and I could see that when she is getting the attention, running her shtick she's got a 'reason for living'. She's an 'entertainer' she told me, and yes, I was entertained, but I challenged her as well. When she asked if I wanted to hear her philosophy, my response was, yeah, if you want to hear mine as well. (which she did, though it was hard for her to not 'pick up the talking stick' and be the center of attention. So I called her on it, and she probably 'loves that about me too'.
She told me about some things that I must do in Pai, including be at the Bebop Lounge from midnight to one tonight when a rock band is playing and everything happens. And I think I shall make the scene, as it's very refreshing to have some new input and adventures. Like being on a scooter and scooting up to the waterfall way above Pai, a place I went last year. On the way back down, I stopped in at this restaurant that was playing great and weird music and had a pretty good crowd of long haired types sitting around eating and drinking. Delicious food, good company, great music and the conversation with Richelle. Before that, I crashed a Spanish conversation in which two veteran travelers were giving some younger ones the lowdown on Burma travel (which is in a process of radical change, especially after Hillary Clinton's visit a month or two ago). The couple had just been there (it's close to here, and they were giving some tips to the twenty somethings...
Well back to the guest house, take a shower, read my latest book, "Drop City' by TC Boyle (What a writer!, it's the third book I've read by him, He takes these strange American themes, this one is about the free love movement in the late sixties, early seventies and writes this tremendous prose about the stories therein. I've done a ton of reading on this trip, haven't kept a record of the books, hmmm, maybe I should do that, but I don't think I could conjure up all the ones I've read these past 3 months.
M and I are in 'I love you' phone contact. I'll be back to Chiang Mai to hang with her on her Sunday off, was thinking about going back Saturday, but hell, I took a three hour trip on a twisted road, I have a nice place to stay, it's fun on the bike and damn, I certainly was sick of the Chiang Mai scene, so yeah, I'll stay here an extra day and stay away from the CU corner for 4 nights worth. Yep, good plan. Played some cool music on the street last night with a shit hot Dutch guitarist who was knocking out great solos to some of my jazzy stuff. Just for fun and to amuse ourselves. Putting out the hat isn't a good idea, as technically, we're not supposed to make any money here... (But we could've)
Your faithful slave, er scribe,
Richard (affected French pronunciation, please... reee shard)
'She', and yes, there is some question about what pronoun to use, is mid to late fifties, If I had to guess, I'd say native Australian, but without the sure-fire Aussie accent that is unmistakeable (unless you mistake a Kiwi for an Aussie, but I digress). Smart, very articulate and creative, dressed in a skirt and halter top, fake red hair short on top but over her neck in back, possessor of a 'cock' which she must have mentioned ten times in the conversation. Yep, just another fellow traveler, Burning Man freakazoid. She's the star of her own movie, that's for damn sure, and there was enough common ground between us for quite a conversation.
Her name was Richard once upon a time and the 'Richelle' character was born at Burning Man, in the Nevada desert, and it seems to have been a major turning point in her life. I wish I could quote her verbatim, but her rap was basically that 'At Burning Man, nobody cares who you are, what you've done, where you've been. It's all about the now, so you can and should create your own character and your own script,( not too different than having an avatar in cyberspace, in one of those crazy sites that I don't know the name of, but in this case it's 'real'). Does raise some interesting questions about the nature of 'reality', like back in the acid days. The character 'Richelle, the slave' was born at Burning Man 4 years ago, and she has continued up til this day. When she told me that she sold a screenplay of her life for 1.7 million dollars, I said, 'I don't believe you'. She replied, 'that's what I love about you'.
Before that, her comment was, 'I'm going to the bathroom, and when I'm holding my cock, I'll be thinking of you'. I replied, 'I don't need to hear that'. She also called me an 'angel', and I've heard that before, so I'm OK with that descriptor. She told me that she loved me three times, (I think)
Richelle is a slave to a Thai mistress, some kinky 29 year old hottie wild thing who has a big Aussie boyfriend who totally satisfies her in every way. (apparently). And this Thai woman will text assignments to Richelle like 'you see that gorgeous woman over there with that guy. I want her on her knees in the bathroom in 5 minutes' And Richelle will go right up to the stranger, point to his mistress and say, 'do you see my mistress, she wants you on her knees in the bathroom in 5 minutes, will you be there?'. And according to her, the answer was, 'hell yes'!. There were other stories of other assignments which involve photos and video and stuff I wouldn't write about on the blog. Apparently Richelle is all about being super direct, fearless, putting it out there with no filter, and in doing so, she will attract the fellow freaks among us who are just waiting to be invited. (or something like that)
And the odd thing is that I got the strong suspicion that her mistress/slave relationship is the opposite of what you might expect. One thinks of a mistress dominating the slave, but in this case, I think the slave conjured up the mistress. 'She's my reason for living'. It's Richelle's movie and she needed a mistress, not the other way around. It's all very 'Alice in Wonderland' X rated edition, but there is much intelligence and pathos and wisdom in the Bizarro World.
And probably some desperation as well. I was totally buying her act, happy to play along... (up to a point, mind you), and I could see that when she is getting the attention, running her shtick she's got a 'reason for living'. She's an 'entertainer' she told me, and yes, I was entertained, but I challenged her as well. When she asked if I wanted to hear her philosophy, my response was, yeah, if you want to hear mine as well. (which she did, though it was hard for her to not 'pick up the talking stick' and be the center of attention. So I called her on it, and she probably 'loves that about me too'.
She told me about some things that I must do in Pai, including be at the Bebop Lounge from midnight to one tonight when a rock band is playing and everything happens. And I think I shall make the scene, as it's very refreshing to have some new input and adventures. Like being on a scooter and scooting up to the waterfall way above Pai, a place I went last year. On the way back down, I stopped in at this restaurant that was playing great and weird music and had a pretty good crowd of long haired types sitting around eating and drinking. Delicious food, good company, great music and the conversation with Richelle. Before that, I crashed a Spanish conversation in which two veteran travelers were giving some younger ones the lowdown on Burma travel (which is in a process of radical change, especially after Hillary Clinton's visit a month or two ago). The couple had just been there (it's close to here, and they were giving some tips to the twenty somethings...
Well back to the guest house, take a shower, read my latest book, "Drop City' by TC Boyle (What a writer!, it's the third book I've read by him, He takes these strange American themes, this one is about the free love movement in the late sixties, early seventies and writes this tremendous prose about the stories therein. I've done a ton of reading on this trip, haven't kept a record of the books, hmmm, maybe I should do that, but I don't think I could conjure up all the ones I've read these past 3 months.
M and I are in 'I love you' phone contact. I'll be back to Chiang Mai to hang with her on her Sunday off, was thinking about going back Saturday, but hell, I took a three hour trip on a twisted road, I have a nice place to stay, it's fun on the bike and damn, I certainly was sick of the Chiang Mai scene, so yeah, I'll stay here an extra day and stay away from the CU corner for 4 nights worth. Yep, good plan. Played some cool music on the street last night with a shit hot Dutch guitarist who was knocking out great solos to some of my jazzy stuff. Just for fun and to amuse ourselves. Putting out the hat isn't a good idea, as technically, we're not supposed to make any money here... (But we could've)
Your faithful slave, er scribe,
Richard (affected French pronunciation, please... reee shard)
Not what you will expect....
A couple of days ago, in response to my post about the tango, I got a surprising message on my facebook from H, a person I know in Oregon, we're friendly, though I wouldn't call us friends as we have never hung out together. The message said, 'Give her the money (I read your blog)'. This came out of the blue, as I didn't know that she was a reader of what I write, but more than that, it was a pretty strong statement. Apparently it was in response to my story that I had been wanting to give M money on different occasions, and each time it seemed like she would do something to make me change my mind.... almost like clockwork, or something cosmic. Cosmic clockwork. I made a flip comment along the lines of 'maybe she's doing me a favor and saving me some money', though actually it's not all that flip, as it represents a definite thought that goes through my head.
I wrote H back and asked for a little more information and she responded with this message..."She's been your tour guide, your translator, your companion, your muse, your sex partner...you knew who she was when you reunited with her. You dangled the chance of helping her financially (i suspect being much more stingy than most farang in your position. She gave you time while she could have been making an alliance with someone who would be less temperamental about giving her some money. I could go on and say some thimgs that might be hard for you to hear. I'll hold back and just say put aside you ego and romanticism and give her a fair amount of money for the time she spent with you."
(Well I asked for it, and I got it... and that was her holding back, oy) I was definitely stung and defensive when I read the passage, wanting to correct a few misconceptions, feeling a bit tweaked at some of the presumption. It's one of those things where there was some truth in the message, along with a helping of 'take it with a grain of salt' because everyone has their own slant on things, including H, including everybody. So once I got over the initial sting, it got me thinking. Well, I've obviously been thinking all along, but it put into focus one of the recurring themes about our two season love affair.
I've always wanted to change her, I see this incredible person who I'm very connected with, and the only thing that seems to drive us apart is the alcohol... so if she could just.... (fill in the blank). And could I use money as a motivator for change? I tried and it didn't work, the premise was flawed. There were strings attached to what I was 'giving', which makes it not really giving. Hence the consistent and perhaps predictable failure of that approach.
The real deal is that as long as M is working 6 nights a week in a bar, there is zero chance of us having any kind of future.... let alone present. I was in there last night until closing time, drinking water while a table full of regulars drank beer after beer, got into that alcoholic stupor, and in doing so, kept the bar open for that extra hour, hour and a half which is when the damage happens IMHO. I saw the owner drink 3 more drinks, rather than say, 'hey folks, closing time'. I saw M have a couple extra drinks as she's obligated to stay there until the boss says, we're closed. In other words, it all gets dragged down by the alcoholics among us who would hang out all night drinking if you let them. If someone is tending toward alcoholism, that scenario night after night will likely put them there...
I said to her late in the night, 'I wish you didn't work here' and she said, I wish 'I didn't work here too, but what can I do, I have to work'
I decided to step up and do something different, change the field of play. I came up with a figure that amounts to ten months of her base salary (not including tips). I have decided to give it to her, no strings attached.... actually one string. She has to stop working in the bar. This will give her the time and space to take a rest, get back into yoga, visit her sister north of Bangkok, which she's very anxious to do. She can 'not work' for awhile if that's what she wants. She can create a new gig, she can do what she wants to do.
And having decided on that course of action, I find it amazing how my mind wants to resist that generosity. Many thoughts crop up, most along the lines of wanting to 'get' something for my money. And I've spent a couple of days now processing those thoughts and rejecting them. Those are the mind games that have kept me/us in this limbo. So any thoughts of 'she'll stop drinking', 'people will think I'm generous', (or stupid), 'M will be obligated to me', 'What if I'm making a big mistake?', 'my reader er readers will have such and such reaction', 'I'll get anything whatsoever from this gift', I'm just seeing those thoughts for the mind play that it is, and am sticking to this thought. I'm in a position to put my money where my mouth is and to help someone whom I love, end of story. And I truly believe that if we have no future together, I'm still doing the right thing. (and it's not payment for translations, time spent or other previous services rendered... it's for her, today and into the future) I want to do this while I'm here because I have access to the money, and I think it will be harder to do once I'm back in the US. So I went to the bank machine today and pulled out the first installment which I gave to her this morning. I have a daily limit that I can withdraw, so that is my plan....give it to her this week, let her get it into the bank account and cut her loose from the treadmill. SHE TOTALLY DESERVES IT!
Thanks to H for the wake up call, I feel lined up with my higher self in this action, and I trust that feeling.... And now I'm in Pai, in a cute little cabin overlooking a lovely garden, paying $5 a night and ready to grab my guitar and make some music on the street. My hit song from this trip, which everyone loves when they hear is Same Same.
Same same, everybody's in the game
Same same, like a moth to the flame
He needs that honey
She needs that money
Same same
(You can Youtube search 'Rich Glauber Same Same' if ya wanna hear it...)
I wrote H back and asked for a little more information and she responded with this message..."She's been your tour guide, your translator, your companion, your muse, your sex partner...you knew who she was when you reunited with her. You dangled the chance of helping her financially (i suspect being much more stingy than most farang in your position. She gave you time while she could have been making an alliance with someone who would be less temperamental about giving her some money. I could go on and say some thimgs that might be hard for you to hear. I'll hold back and just say put aside you ego and romanticism and give her a fair amount of money for the time she spent with you."
(Well I asked for it, and I got it... and that was her holding back, oy) I was definitely stung and defensive when I read the passage, wanting to correct a few misconceptions, feeling a bit tweaked at some of the presumption. It's one of those things where there was some truth in the message, along with a helping of 'take it with a grain of salt' because everyone has their own slant on things, including H, including everybody. So once I got over the initial sting, it got me thinking. Well, I've obviously been thinking all along, but it put into focus one of the recurring themes about our two season love affair.
I've always wanted to change her, I see this incredible person who I'm very connected with, and the only thing that seems to drive us apart is the alcohol... so if she could just.... (fill in the blank). And could I use money as a motivator for change? I tried and it didn't work, the premise was flawed. There were strings attached to what I was 'giving', which makes it not really giving. Hence the consistent and perhaps predictable failure of that approach.
The real deal is that as long as M is working 6 nights a week in a bar, there is zero chance of us having any kind of future.... let alone present. I was in there last night until closing time, drinking water while a table full of regulars drank beer after beer, got into that alcoholic stupor, and in doing so, kept the bar open for that extra hour, hour and a half which is when the damage happens IMHO. I saw the owner drink 3 more drinks, rather than say, 'hey folks, closing time'. I saw M have a couple extra drinks as she's obligated to stay there until the boss says, we're closed. In other words, it all gets dragged down by the alcoholics among us who would hang out all night drinking if you let them. If someone is tending toward alcoholism, that scenario night after night will likely put them there...
I said to her late in the night, 'I wish you didn't work here' and she said, I wish 'I didn't work here too, but what can I do, I have to work'
I decided to step up and do something different, change the field of play. I came up with a figure that amounts to ten months of her base salary (not including tips). I have decided to give it to her, no strings attached.... actually one string. She has to stop working in the bar. This will give her the time and space to take a rest, get back into yoga, visit her sister north of Bangkok, which she's very anxious to do. She can 'not work' for awhile if that's what she wants. She can create a new gig, she can do what she wants to do.
And having decided on that course of action, I find it amazing how my mind wants to resist that generosity. Many thoughts crop up, most along the lines of wanting to 'get' something for my money. And I've spent a couple of days now processing those thoughts and rejecting them. Those are the mind games that have kept me/us in this limbo. So any thoughts of 'she'll stop drinking', 'people will think I'm generous', (or stupid), 'M will be obligated to me', 'What if I'm making a big mistake?', 'my reader er readers will have such and such reaction', 'I'll get anything whatsoever from this gift', I'm just seeing those thoughts for the mind play that it is, and am sticking to this thought. I'm in a position to put my money where my mouth is and to help someone whom I love, end of story. And I truly believe that if we have no future together, I'm still doing the right thing. (and it's not payment for translations, time spent or other previous services rendered... it's for her, today and into the future) I want to do this while I'm here because I have access to the money, and I think it will be harder to do once I'm back in the US. So I went to the bank machine today and pulled out the first installment which I gave to her this morning. I have a daily limit that I can withdraw, so that is my plan....give it to her this week, let her get it into the bank account and cut her loose from the treadmill. SHE TOTALLY DESERVES IT!
Thanks to H for the wake up call, I feel lined up with my higher self in this action, and I trust that feeling.... And now I'm in Pai, in a cute little cabin overlooking a lovely garden, paying $5 a night and ready to grab my guitar and make some music on the street. My hit song from this trip, which everyone loves when they hear is Same Same.
Same same, everybody's in the game
Same same, like a moth to the flame
He needs that honey
She needs that money
Same same
(You can Youtube search 'Rich Glauber Same Same' if ya wanna hear it...)
Road trip for a few days....
M and I had a good talk after the most recent episode of our recurring pattern. It was good to get a night off from one another and reassess. Still a lot of love there, without a doubt, and the adventure continues. I'm off tomorrow for a three night road trip to Pai, where I will rent a scooter and get used to riding again. Better there than here, as there is much less traffic, and the scenery is awesome with mountains, waterfalls, jungles etc. I'll miss my Friday night gig here, but plan on doing next week's Tuesday slot. (Valentine's Day, of all things). There's a good chance that I'll leave again on Wednesday to go to Chiang Dow, an hour and a half north of here for that Japanese organized, Shambhala festival. I hear it's gorgeous and fun, and I'll likely rent a scooter from Chiang Mai and ride up there with a friend. (Hence the practice time up in Pai). Feels good to be getting out of town, as much of my life the past two months has been lived within a square kilometer. Ah well, one makes one's choices and that's been my choice...
Off to buy a ticket...
Off to buy a ticket...
Got a tango going in my head....
Actually it's not quite a tango, more like a fake tango, begun last night at 4 in the morning, alone in my room, M out with her friends after work, which she told me she wouldn't do, kind of lied straight to my face, or as she put it, she 'changed her mind' about coming over right after her shift. (She did come over eventually, pretty hammered ('tired' is what she calls it). I guess I had a feeling, because she had that look when I saw her at the bar, and I actually went back there after leaving to say that it's not OK with me for her to go out drinking after the shift, and she assured me that she wouldn't. So I woke up at 4 in the morning, no M, and my mind starts imagining what's up. Grabbed the guitar, started writing a tango, er fake tango. It's got a Tom Waits feel to it.
It's the way you hold the bottle
Like it's your only trusted friend
I see the way you're drinking tonight
Here we go again
You tell me not to worry
Say what you think I want to hear
It sounds like you were talking
Or maybe it's the beer
Four o:clock in the morning
I see you haven't made it home
I wake up and I wonder
Why am I so alone
And in my heart of hearts I keep hoping
That we can find a way to the other side
But when too many parts are broken
And too many lies are spoken
It's the end of the ride
I didn't want to leave you
Lord knows I tried to stay
Now the fog is slowly lifting
I'll be up and on my way
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And yeah, I've been here before, only to turn around and keep at it, examine my own beliefs and actions, see what I could learn. It's been valuable. This time? maybe not. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on me, or as George Bush once famously said,' Fool me once, uh, shame on you, fool me twice, uh um, we won't get fooled again' Yeah, that really happened....
The first time she lied to me, she said, I made her do it, and in a way, she was right. I was micro managing her intake and it was a losing proposition. 'Never get between an alcoholic and the alcohol'. I suppose you could make the same argument in this case, but I can only punish myself so much. We had talked about it, she knows exactly where I'm coming from, she got into that alcohol zone and all bets are off. She said one thing, she did another thing (again), and I'm not gonna take it, sorry. If I can't trust her, then what the fuck, there's no sense continuing.
I kind of hung out today, worked on the song, took a swim, waited for her to wake up around 1:30pm, then put her stuff in a bag and said, I think it's time to go. Interestingly this is a reprise of what happened to her as a teenager, being thrown out of her house on a couple of occasions, so I'm sure it put her in a difficult emotional state.... that plus the hangover. and I'm not all holier than thou about it, I have a lot of care and concern for her, I didn't raise my voice or express anger. I resisted the urge to give her back the Buddha which she had given me. That would have been some cheap and tawdry drama (though I was tempted, I'm glad I resisted the urge). I don't want to hurt her in any way. Because it's not really her that is acting that way. It's the alcohol and the denial. I get it.
Yeah I've got some tears ahead because there is such a deep feeling of love that we have for one another. Just the other day, Sunday we had a blissful time together, taking care of one another, my mind looking toward the future, including what would it take for me to help support her financially while I'm gone. We had a couple of conversations about it and I was definitely planning on sharing some of what I have to invest in this relationship. (You really can't understand it in the west, so I won't bother to try and explain, but I was willing to share). And our happiness continued into Monday, sleeping late, loving each other, then she goes to work and the story shifts into the other thing. It's almost cause and effect, seemingly. The last time I was going to contribute (in a smaller way on Chinese New Year), is the last time she went off on the alcohol and short circuited the plan). Kind of weird... (hey, maybe she's trying to save me money, because it looks like it's turning out that way)
So I went and got a haircut, some reading material and I feel like I'm ready to blow out of Chiang Mai, maybe on Thursday. (got a gig tonight and lessons tomorrow, which I wouldn't feel right about cancelling) I could see a little trip up to the Hippie town of Pai, near the Burma border, a place I went last year and rented a scooter and tooled around for a few days. It sounds good to get out into the mountains. And early next week is the Shambhala festival, a Japanese organized 'Rainbow Family' type event that goes for a week in a beautiful area an hour and a half out of Chiang Mai. I guess a tentative plan is to get comfortable on a scooter for a few days, then come back here and rent one for the ride up to the gathering. I'm a bit reluctant to start riding around here, as the traffic is kind of insane and you see a lot of people with road rash AKA 'a Thailand tattoo'
Feeling pretty philosophical about things at the moment, I can look at myself in the mirror and feel OK about what I see. (metaphorically, you understand?) I'm satisfied with my behavior, my intentions and my communication, and beyond that, hey, whaddya gonna do? (new york accent)
It's the way you hold the bottle
Like it's your only trusted friend
I see the way you're drinking tonight
Here we go again
You tell me not to worry
Say what you think I want to hear
It sounds like you were talking
Or maybe it's the beer
Four o:clock in the morning
I see you haven't made it home
I wake up and I wonder
Why am I so alone
And in my heart of hearts I keep hoping
That we can find a way to the other side
But when too many parts are broken
And too many lies are spoken
It's the end of the ride
I didn't want to leave you
Lord knows I tried to stay
Now the fog is slowly lifting
I'll be up and on my way
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And yeah, I've been here before, only to turn around and keep at it, examine my own beliefs and actions, see what I could learn. It's been valuable. This time? maybe not. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on me, or as George Bush once famously said,' Fool me once, uh, shame on you, fool me twice, uh um, we won't get fooled again' Yeah, that really happened....
The first time she lied to me, she said, I made her do it, and in a way, she was right. I was micro managing her intake and it was a losing proposition. 'Never get between an alcoholic and the alcohol'. I suppose you could make the same argument in this case, but I can only punish myself so much. We had talked about it, she knows exactly where I'm coming from, she got into that alcohol zone and all bets are off. She said one thing, she did another thing (again), and I'm not gonna take it, sorry. If I can't trust her, then what the fuck, there's no sense continuing.
I kind of hung out today, worked on the song, took a swim, waited for her to wake up around 1:30pm, then put her stuff in a bag and said, I think it's time to go. Interestingly this is a reprise of what happened to her as a teenager, being thrown out of her house on a couple of occasions, so I'm sure it put her in a difficult emotional state.... that plus the hangover. and I'm not all holier than thou about it, I have a lot of care and concern for her, I didn't raise my voice or express anger. I resisted the urge to give her back the Buddha which she had given me. That would have been some cheap and tawdry drama (though I was tempted, I'm glad I resisted the urge). I don't want to hurt her in any way. Because it's not really her that is acting that way. It's the alcohol and the denial. I get it.
Yeah I've got some tears ahead because there is such a deep feeling of love that we have for one another. Just the other day, Sunday we had a blissful time together, taking care of one another, my mind looking toward the future, including what would it take for me to help support her financially while I'm gone. We had a couple of conversations about it and I was definitely planning on sharing some of what I have to invest in this relationship. (You really can't understand it in the west, so I won't bother to try and explain, but I was willing to share). And our happiness continued into Monday, sleeping late, loving each other, then she goes to work and the story shifts into the other thing. It's almost cause and effect, seemingly. The last time I was going to contribute (in a smaller way on Chinese New Year), is the last time she went off on the alcohol and short circuited the plan). Kind of weird... (hey, maybe she's trying to save me money, because it looks like it's turning out that way)
So I went and got a haircut, some reading material and I feel like I'm ready to blow out of Chiang Mai, maybe on Thursday. (got a gig tonight and lessons tomorrow, which I wouldn't feel right about cancelling) I could see a little trip up to the Hippie town of Pai, near the Burma border, a place I went last year and rented a scooter and tooled around for a few days. It sounds good to get out into the mountains. And early next week is the Shambhala festival, a Japanese organized 'Rainbow Family' type event that goes for a week in a beautiful area an hour and a half out of Chiang Mai. I guess a tentative plan is to get comfortable on a scooter for a few days, then come back here and rent one for the ride up to the gathering. I'm a bit reluctant to start riding around here, as the traffic is kind of insane and you see a lot of people with road rash AKA 'a Thailand tattoo'
Feeling pretty philosophical about things at the moment, I can look at myself in the mirror and feel OK about what I see. (metaphorically, you understand?) I'm satisfied with my behavior, my intentions and my communication, and beyond that, hey, whaddya gonna do? (new york accent)
Heating up....
Hot today in Chiang Mai, by the first of March it gets really warm here, and perhaps we are leading up to that. Had a great night last night at CU, wonderful gig, the band was playing well and with good focus, I got to break out some new songs and they all came off well. Keeps things interesting and alive. Among the ones debuted last night were 'Friends', 'I Know You Don't Love Me No More', 'American Song' and 'On the Sunny Side of the Street'. (two originals, two covers)
M made a conscious effort to limit her smoking and drinking, I could tell she was on her best behavior, and I very much appreciated it. Makes it much easier for me to be there, and I hung out late, had a few drinks myself, played a lot of music. My bass playing is better than ever, as I'm still the 'house bass player' who accompanies just about anybody. Nice to have that role, it adds a lot, gives me something fun to do, and my skills are quite sharp at this point. Who knew?
M and I woke up too early as we heard the parade going by that celebrates the 'Flower Festival' and we went down to drink coffee and check out the bands, the floats and the scene. It was kind of like the Tournament of Roses Parade on opium with gorgeous flower covered floats depicting elephants, Buddhas, much symbolism from this part of the world, interspersed with high school marching bands, drummers, gong bongers costumed characters, and heat. It was a long, slow parade, and I'll bet they were exhausted when it was over.
I taught two lessons today and have a gig tonight, so I'm more than paying my way, at least for this day, and that's a good feeling. Once again, I'll earn about 4 days typical Thai pay for a few hours of fun and music. Crazy. Couldn't really retire on that business plan, but it sure comes in handy while I'm here...
Back is showing very slight improvement, still a little numbness from time to time in my right arm, but maybe things will get better... And I definitely need to sleep before tonight's gig, I'm playing for two hours, then will switch to bass and back up Apple for his late night set.
Met this young Danish guy 33 years old who was at the bar last night. Great vibe, has lived the past 5 years in San Francisco and he was super happy to be shaking a shaker and digging the scene at CU last night. We got talking during a break and he was saying that he had been in Chiang Mai a few months ago, loved it, then traveled in Laos, Cambodia and Southern Thailand, all the while thinking that he wished he was back in Chiang Mai. Got back recently and is super happy about it, 'Why did I ever leave?'. Which is kinda the opposite of me in that I did hang out here for those couple of months and wondered whether I was missing something by not traveling. The grass is always greener, of course, but I took some kind of validation for my decision to stick around when I heard his comment. He said CU was the best place he's found in Asia, just an incredible vibe here, the right mix of people and music. He'll be back tonight for the festivities... Should be fun.... if I get some sleep before hand.... like right about now... zzzzzzzzzzz
M made a conscious effort to limit her smoking and drinking, I could tell she was on her best behavior, and I very much appreciated it. Makes it much easier for me to be there, and I hung out late, had a few drinks myself, played a lot of music. My bass playing is better than ever, as I'm still the 'house bass player' who accompanies just about anybody. Nice to have that role, it adds a lot, gives me something fun to do, and my skills are quite sharp at this point. Who knew?
M and I woke up too early as we heard the parade going by that celebrates the 'Flower Festival' and we went down to drink coffee and check out the bands, the floats and the scene. It was kind of like the Tournament of Roses Parade on opium with gorgeous flower covered floats depicting elephants, Buddhas, much symbolism from this part of the world, interspersed with high school marching bands, drummers, gong bongers costumed characters, and heat. It was a long, slow parade, and I'll bet they were exhausted when it was over.
I taught two lessons today and have a gig tonight, so I'm more than paying my way, at least for this day, and that's a good feeling. Once again, I'll earn about 4 days typical Thai pay for a few hours of fun and music. Crazy. Couldn't really retire on that business plan, but it sure comes in handy while I'm here...
Back is showing very slight improvement, still a little numbness from time to time in my right arm, but maybe things will get better... And I definitely need to sleep before tonight's gig, I'm playing for two hours, then will switch to bass and back up Apple for his late night set.
Met this young Danish guy 33 years old who was at the bar last night. Great vibe, has lived the past 5 years in San Francisco and he was super happy to be shaking a shaker and digging the scene at CU last night. We got talking during a break and he was saying that he had been in Chiang Mai a few months ago, loved it, then traveled in Laos, Cambodia and Southern Thailand, all the while thinking that he wished he was back in Chiang Mai. Got back recently and is super happy about it, 'Why did I ever leave?'. Which is kinda the opposite of me in that I did hang out here for those couple of months and wondered whether I was missing something by not traveling. The grass is always greener, of course, but I took some kind of validation for my decision to stick around when I heard his comment. He said CU was the best place he's found in Asia, just an incredible vibe here, the right mix of people and music. He'll be back tonight for the festivities... Should be fun.... if I get some sleep before hand.... like right about now... zzzzzzzzzzz
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