I don't know, I'm feeling mighty lucky lately, living it up in Chiang Mai, and by living it up, I don't mean anything about luxury or conspicuous consumption. It's just having the time to settle into a groove, eat good food, take yoga classes, make music in the evenings, write some songs, have interesting conversations, read good books. Yup, living like a retired person, I think I'd be pretty good at it. And like I've said forever, 'I'll never have enough money for a retirement, might as well retire now' So I did.
Took my third yoga class this morning and it's a real nice way to organize the morning. Coffee at 7, read a bit, stretch a bit then class at 9am. I'm interested to see what 10 classes will do to me, will it increase my flexibility and strength, improve the breathing? (my breathing has been very good over here, in spite of the field burning which has seemed to begin earlier than in the past). Usually December is clear,but not this year...I can barely make out Doi Suthep and the hill to the west of town from my bedroom balcony. Should be much clearer.
Last night I played a 2 hour gig at the restaurant, earned my $23 plus about $7 in tips, ate a delicious meal on the house, and damn, that is such a great spot for me. Got a nice little sound system at the place, I get to sit on a padded stool and play background music, sometimes come forward if the mood strikes, play a wide range of stuff including plenty of originals, basically set a mood that is comfortable for the diners. The staff (all Burmese) are super nice to me, very helpful and appreciative, smiling, filling up the water glass, putting out the tip jar and being friendly. A bunch of these gigs coming up this month and I feel very lucky to be in this position. Plus it's a great opportunity to practice my vocals, pull out old songs, basically hold forth.
Off to the dentist today to put the crown on... hopefully it fits just right, and if so, we'll start on the other one and a filling that she thinks I need to deal with. Also lucky on that front. quality dentistry at a fraction of the US price. A guy could get used to this.
I know it sounds like I'm bragging some, but inside I'm feeling very humble, lots of gratitude. I guess I'm putting out the right vibe, because people are treating me very well. Humble and appreciative. Gracias.
Feeling lucky
I guess I'm really settling in to being here, and it feels great. I stumbled into the piece de resistence this morning as i was having that delicious breakfast of rice soup (with minced pork), fresh fruit and good coffee. I noticed a few people passing by with yoga mats, so I took a look down the lane to see where they were heading. After breakfast I went to have a look and sure enough, there was a yoga class just getting underway. I wasn't really prepared for it, had just eaten and all, but not too much, so I decided to try it. Emma is one of those yoga goddess types, beautiful from Taiwan, and her class was just perfect for me, challenging but not too, and it felt great. I signed up for a 10 class card, as she teaches every morning at 9, and the location is perfect, easy walking distance, and I felt very invigorated and grounded after it was over. I think this is the perfect complement to lots of walking and swimming. It's a meditation and a full body workout for under $5/class with the card.
Afterwards I walked over to my friend Noi's new coffee shop... she used to be 100 meters from Royal Guest House where I stay, but they jacked her rent, so she moved to the western part of the old city. Still easy walking distance, and she's a friend, so I go every few days. I know some of the regulars and it's a good scene. And that's part of the greatness of Chiang Mai, lots of interesting characters every where you turn. I talked to a 49 year old Brit named Simon who has left the carpentry and building trade in England to study Thai on a student visa here. He's also drawing and painting a lot, showed me some of his work on the Iphone and we had a good chat. Then I played some music with a couple of young guys, Erkan from Turkey and Maxime from France. Erkan is a good singer and he wanted me to play the Miley Cyrus song Wrecking Ball, so with the help of his Iphone we got the chords and lyrics and voila, off we go. I had to transpose it for him and he sang it great. (this is how the old guy, me, keeps current with some new songs...fun). The two young guys will come by CU Corner tonight as I'll likely be jamming there around 9pm.
Then I walked west to find the 'Yoga Tree' where this weekend's dance event is happening... found it, picked up a schedule, there was no one around to buy a ticket from, but that's not gonna be a problem.... Then back through town, down one winding street after another... that's a big part of the beauty of this place. Even though it's a big city, the old city is composed of many narrow, quiet lanes where folks live, set up little stands of food, soup, pad thai, whatever, and it's exceedingly pleasant to walk through town, walk past the temples which are everywhere, get some shade, enjoy life... Yup, enjoying it big time today... Time for a swim, a nap and then some music tonight. Feeling quite lucky...
Afterwards I walked over to my friend Noi's new coffee shop... she used to be 100 meters from Royal Guest House where I stay, but they jacked her rent, so she moved to the western part of the old city. Still easy walking distance, and she's a friend, so I go every few days. I know some of the regulars and it's a good scene. And that's part of the greatness of Chiang Mai, lots of interesting characters every where you turn. I talked to a 49 year old Brit named Simon who has left the carpentry and building trade in England to study Thai on a student visa here. He's also drawing and painting a lot, showed me some of his work on the Iphone and we had a good chat. Then I played some music with a couple of young guys, Erkan from Turkey and Maxime from France. Erkan is a good singer and he wanted me to play the Miley Cyrus song Wrecking Ball, so with the help of his Iphone we got the chords and lyrics and voila, off we go. I had to transpose it for him and he sang it great. (this is how the old guy, me, keeps current with some new songs...fun). The two young guys will come by CU Corner tonight as I'll likely be jamming there around 9pm.
Then I walked west to find the 'Yoga Tree' where this weekend's dance event is happening... found it, picked up a schedule, there was no one around to buy a ticket from, but that's not gonna be a problem.... Then back through town, down one winding street after another... that's a big part of the beauty of this place. Even though it's a big city, the old city is composed of many narrow, quiet lanes where folks live, set up little stands of food, soup, pad thai, whatever, and it's exceedingly pleasant to walk through town, walk past the temples which are everywhere, get some shade, enjoy life... Yup, enjoying it big time today... Time for a swim, a nap and then some music tonight. Feeling quite lucky...
Grind...
As in grind my tooth to prepare it to receive the cap that will go on in 3 days. I went for my dental appt thinking it was just for a consult. Showed up 5 minutes early, took my shoes off, which is the custom here, went upstairs and the dentist was waiting for me along with her assistant. She was a different one than the doctor I saw last week, but she was also extremely professional, good English skills and very nice. She took a look, read the xrays and laid out the possibilities, including prices. I had a few questions and then we came up with a plan, at which point she said, 'We have 45 minutes, I can grind the tooth and take the impression for to make the crown'. Uh OK... here comes the needle...
There was some pain, not much during the procedure, a little bit afterward as the novocaine wore off, but what I remember most is looking up into two pairs of black almond eyes and realizing that dentistry was never quite like this before. They worked well together, quickly and efficiently and I was out of there within the hour, having paid half of the final bill. $162.50 from my debit card. Such a deal.
Came home, swam and exercised some, then went up to take a nap at 4pm or so, like usual, but I just stayed in bed until 2am, woke up a few times in there but didn't feel like leaving the room, maybe the pain and the procedure zapped me pretty good. Read some more of the Toni Morrison book 'Beloved', then figured hell, I'm up, let's do the city walk at 4am, the quietest part of the day. So I did.
It's about a 4 mile square hike around the old city. my quadrant is where the lady boy street walkers hang out and try to find 'dates'. All night long apparently. I'm on the SE side of the city. Around to the south, there is a big food scene going on at Chiang Mai gate, I guess it's the 'all night restaurant' of the city. There are other places open, of course, but at Chiang Mai gate there are many vendors all set up with deep fried stuff, curries, fruits, all kinds of food. Good to know...
I saw a few joggers, about a dozen people sleeping, bunch of rats scurrying around the moat, they call them 'Chiang Mai squirrels'. Mostly it was a great time to get the best air possible for the jaunt. Few cars, no busses or vans, it was blissful. Then back to the room to sleep, but not really sleepy. I was thinking about my song 'This one's different' and as I lay in the dark, some lyrics came to me so I'd sit up and write em down. And now the song is done, so on to the next.
I had a thought to talk to Thaew about the songs I write. I heard third hand that some Thais were offended at what they perceived to be insulting lyrics that made fun of them. It's not true, of course, I wouldn't deliberately do that. I will make fun of Farang however. It's mostly a language barrier problem, and there's a cultural component as well. I don't think irony is part of the palette here, but I do want to talk to Thaew (owner of CU Corner) and let her know my thoughts. And then she'll be able to explain to any of her customers if they have a problem that no, he's not making fun of us... he's making fun of the Farang. It's worth a try anyway, and she and I have had some good talks over the years. Feels like a good time for the next one. Here's the lyric to 'This one's different' It's kind of an old timey tune with that ragtime cadence...
She's not after my money, this one's different
She swears I'm sweet as honey, yes she's different
You can say what you're gonna say
But this one's different in every way
I'll tell it til my dying day
This one's different
Don't say I'm a fool, this one's different
I want to put her kid through school, yes she's different
There's no hint of a scam
We go together like toast and jam
She loves me for who I am
This one's different
I guess love affairs are hard, this is no different
Why'd I give her my credit card? look at what she spent
Oh for heaven's sake, I'm afraid I mighta made a big mistake
Guess I got to make a break, I thought she was different
Hey fellas it's your fault, you're not innocent
Hell ya better call a halt before you're indigent
You can sing your song of woe
You can swear up and down that you didn't know
But you'll reap just what you sow when ya think 'she's different'
Boys you can take the blame
You might win the battle but lose the game
You'll see it turn out the same, Same Same but different
There was some pain, not much during the procedure, a little bit afterward as the novocaine wore off, but what I remember most is looking up into two pairs of black almond eyes and realizing that dentistry was never quite like this before. They worked well together, quickly and efficiently and I was out of there within the hour, having paid half of the final bill. $162.50 from my debit card. Such a deal.
Came home, swam and exercised some, then went up to take a nap at 4pm or so, like usual, but I just stayed in bed until 2am, woke up a few times in there but didn't feel like leaving the room, maybe the pain and the procedure zapped me pretty good. Read some more of the Toni Morrison book 'Beloved', then figured hell, I'm up, let's do the city walk at 4am, the quietest part of the day. So I did.
It's about a 4 mile square hike around the old city. my quadrant is where the lady boy street walkers hang out and try to find 'dates'. All night long apparently. I'm on the SE side of the city. Around to the south, there is a big food scene going on at Chiang Mai gate, I guess it's the 'all night restaurant' of the city. There are other places open, of course, but at Chiang Mai gate there are many vendors all set up with deep fried stuff, curries, fruits, all kinds of food. Good to know...
I saw a few joggers, about a dozen people sleeping, bunch of rats scurrying around the moat, they call them 'Chiang Mai squirrels'. Mostly it was a great time to get the best air possible for the jaunt. Few cars, no busses or vans, it was blissful. Then back to the room to sleep, but not really sleepy. I was thinking about my song 'This one's different' and as I lay in the dark, some lyrics came to me so I'd sit up and write em down. And now the song is done, so on to the next.
I had a thought to talk to Thaew about the songs I write. I heard third hand that some Thais were offended at what they perceived to be insulting lyrics that made fun of them. It's not true, of course, I wouldn't deliberately do that. I will make fun of Farang however. It's mostly a language barrier problem, and there's a cultural component as well. I don't think irony is part of the palette here, but I do want to talk to Thaew (owner of CU Corner) and let her know my thoughts. And then she'll be able to explain to any of her customers if they have a problem that no, he's not making fun of us... he's making fun of the Farang. It's worth a try anyway, and she and I have had some good talks over the years. Feels like a good time for the next one. Here's the lyric to 'This one's different' It's kind of an old timey tune with that ragtime cadence...
She's not after my money, this one's different
She swears I'm sweet as honey, yes she's different
You can say what you're gonna say
But this one's different in every way
I'll tell it til my dying day
This one's different
Don't say I'm a fool, this one's different
I want to put her kid through school, yes she's different
There's no hint of a scam
We go together like toast and jam
She loves me for who I am
This one's different
I guess love affairs are hard, this is no different
Why'd I give her my credit card? look at what she spent
Oh for heaven's sake, I'm afraid I mighta made a big mistake
Guess I got to make a break, I thought she was different
Hey fellas it's your fault, you're not innocent
Hell ya better call a halt before you're indigent
You can sing your song of woe
You can swear up and down that you didn't know
But you'll reap just what you sow when ya think 'she's different'
Boys you can take the blame
You might win the battle but lose the game
You'll see it turn out the same, Same Same but different
Court Musician
I'm feeling a bit like a court musician playing for the royals at Dash Restaurant, owned by my friend Noi. She's a 60 year old Thai woman who at a young age, came to the States, got a good education, and eventually married a man 16 years her senior, a Jewish musician/producer named Peter Tevis. I'll need to google him to find out about his career, but I gather that his greatest success was in the producer chair, and apparently he left her quite well off. He died some years ago of Parkinson's and now Noi lives 6 months in Chiang Mai and 6 months in Seattle. And she created one of the best restaurants in Chiang Mai, great looking, incredible food and reasonably priced. They got a bunch of great reviews on Tripadvisor.com and they do an excellent business. It's called Dash Teak House, the 'Dash' being in honor of her son, Dashiel, 24 or so, who is helping run the operation.
Dash is right around the corner from CU Corner so I would always wave as I passed, sometimes grab a guitar and hold forth over there, make up stuff, get some laughs, and Noi would ask if I wanted to play at the restaurant. But it never seemed like a good idea, I didn't have the right axe, so I always demurred. But this year is different, partly because Mark and I hosted Noi for an evening when she was driving through Eugene, and that interaction put us in a different kind of friendship. She was appreciative, talks about how she called from the road and asked if I could recommend a decent hotel in Eugene, and of course I invited her to spend the night in our guest room. 'He said he'll even clean the bathroom for me' is how she relates the tale. So now we're buddies, and I don't call her 'Imelda' anymore, which was my nickname for the way she ran the show over here. It feels like we're friends. And what a great friend to have here!
So now I'm playing two nights a week for pretty good money and an incredible meal. The staff is treating my like FON (friend of Noi) and it's a sweet set-up. I'm playing the music 'for free' in case anyone asks, because it's not OK for foreigners to make money and take away Thai jobs. I get to hang out for a couple of hours, play a bunch of songs, make up some stuff... whether they need live music is a question, but it's not up to me. And if Noi likes it, awesome. She was telling me that she could feel Peter looking down from heaven and enjoying the scene, and that my playing reminded me of him, the material, the singing, so there is something special going on for her (and for me) in this gig. It definitely puts a new slant on the music scene here, and it's a welcome change from the familiar (and old man vibe) at CU Corner. Happy about it.
And along with the new slant, I Googled 'Dance Chiang Mai' last night, hoping to find a way to include dance in my life here. That's always been a bit of a jarring change, dancing all the time in Eugene, and none of the time in Asia. And what's this, a weekend dance experience with all different kinds of stuff going on, ecstatic, ki gong, yoga, 'breathing earth meditation' yup, it's the hippies, and for $30 I'm going to sign up and take a bunch of classes, hopefully connect with the ecstatic dance scene here, whatever that might look like, and find a way to have dance be in the mix. Very excited about that development. I'm ready to take my focus out of the bar and into the studio.
I'm feeling healthy, not a toke, not a drag of a cigarette, (damn, they smoke a lot here) good food, lots of walking (though the air ain't great). I'm still at the Royal Guest House and I swim every day, do some calisthenics, but I'm still carrying around my US body, rather than slimming into the Asian version. It'll probably happen eventually. But nothing hurts and I'm feeling lucky as hell to be able to do this thing again. The only downside... I miss somebody a lot. a lot a lot a lot.
Dash is right around the corner from CU Corner so I would always wave as I passed, sometimes grab a guitar and hold forth over there, make up stuff, get some laughs, and Noi would ask if I wanted to play at the restaurant. But it never seemed like a good idea, I didn't have the right axe, so I always demurred. But this year is different, partly because Mark and I hosted Noi for an evening when she was driving through Eugene, and that interaction put us in a different kind of friendship. She was appreciative, talks about how she called from the road and asked if I could recommend a decent hotel in Eugene, and of course I invited her to spend the night in our guest room. 'He said he'll even clean the bathroom for me' is how she relates the tale. So now we're buddies, and I don't call her 'Imelda' anymore, which was my nickname for the way she ran the show over here. It feels like we're friends. And what a great friend to have here!
So now I'm playing two nights a week for pretty good money and an incredible meal. The staff is treating my like FON (friend of Noi) and it's a sweet set-up. I'm playing the music 'for free' in case anyone asks, because it's not OK for foreigners to make money and take away Thai jobs. I get to hang out for a couple of hours, play a bunch of songs, make up some stuff... whether they need live music is a question, but it's not up to me. And if Noi likes it, awesome. She was telling me that she could feel Peter looking down from heaven and enjoying the scene, and that my playing reminded me of him, the material, the singing, so there is something special going on for her (and for me) in this gig. It definitely puts a new slant on the music scene here, and it's a welcome change from the familiar (and old man vibe) at CU Corner. Happy about it.
And along with the new slant, I Googled 'Dance Chiang Mai' last night, hoping to find a way to include dance in my life here. That's always been a bit of a jarring change, dancing all the time in Eugene, and none of the time in Asia. And what's this, a weekend dance experience with all different kinds of stuff going on, ecstatic, ki gong, yoga, 'breathing earth meditation' yup, it's the hippies, and for $30 I'm going to sign up and take a bunch of classes, hopefully connect with the ecstatic dance scene here, whatever that might look like, and find a way to have dance be in the mix. Very excited about that development. I'm ready to take my focus out of the bar and into the studio.
I'm feeling healthy, not a toke, not a drag of a cigarette, (damn, they smoke a lot here) good food, lots of walking (though the air ain't great). I'm still at the Royal Guest House and I swim every day, do some calisthenics, but I'm still carrying around my US body, rather than slimming into the Asian version. It'll probably happen eventually. But nothing hurts and I'm feeling lucky as hell to be able to do this thing again. The only downside... I miss somebody a lot. a lot a lot a lot.
Making the turn...
Well everything changed yesterday... for the better. It started when I wrote about the discouragement, got it out of my head and onto the screen. Then I had a fantastic skype conversation with the lovely (and amazing) Julie, felt the connection and my spirits lifted in a big way. I kinda have a sense at this point that when I get a lot of negative feeling about something, that it's an opportunity to find some new truth, or maybe remember some old truth, and if I explore it enough, the truth will reveal. And the energy will turn. And it did....
Met up with the old guys for a walk around the city, this could be a daily jaunt... 6km loop, traffic buzzing by, but whatever, it's still outdoors and scenic and the body likes to move. Plus we get to catch up on the news of the day, gossip, enjoy each other's company. Then a cup of tea, a swim and for me, it's then nap time. I sleep maybe 5 hours in the night time, so I use the late afternoon as the supplementary rest period... read the book, fall asleep, then get ready for the evening.
And that was a big highlight yesterday, particularly after the debacle of the night before. (see previous post). On this day, I was going to do my first gig at a nice restaurant and we were gonna see if it was a good fit. Had some sound problems at the beginning, the cord to the guitar didn't work, had to play guitar into a microphone old school style, and it took a little time to dial it in and get a feedback free sound. Sorry to the diners who had to hear the set-up, it wasn't pretty. And I was feeling awkward, not quite knowing the equipment, wondering if I should just pack it in and forget about it. But once the sound was OK, and I loosened up, hey it's just music, have some fun, try some things, gauge the response and then try some more things.
And the more I played the better it went. There were people clapping, and singing along, a few got up to dance, many smiles, the owners were happy, it went well. One of the tables near me was really into it. Turns out that he is 84 (looks 65), a guy named Richmond Shepard, father of Vonda Shepard who used to sing at the end of the Allie McBeal show. Richard worked as a mime and theater guy, still teaches and travels the world. His wife, didn't catch her name is a prolific author who writes about the New York theater scene... books about Joseph Papp, David Merrick and others... Accomplished New Yorker old timers, I said, you guys are a couple of swells... (NY term from back in the day). They were totally into my shtick, if felt awesome. At the next table was an older Dutch couple and they were digging it too, calling out songs which I could play... so much fun. And then some girls started dancing and damn, it was perfect. Especially when the boss said he wanted me to come play twice a week (and the money is good... shhhhh it's under the table, not allowed to make money here if you're a foreign musician). And they want me to play a big party on Christmas Eve as well, so suddenly I have a chance to make some cash and have a great venue... feels really nice. shhhhh
The other good news was that I wrote a note to my buddy who I had been struggling with and I guess I took the right tack, because he heard me, responded well, and now we're good again... that's a relief... got to hang on to the good friends...
And there was even a nice late night set at the CU where I got to jam with some young Frenchmen who play well, and then we were joined by a great singer from Seattle who blew the room away on some blues... Yup, it turned and after my first week here, I finally feel like I landed.... ahhhh
Met up with the old guys for a walk around the city, this could be a daily jaunt... 6km loop, traffic buzzing by, but whatever, it's still outdoors and scenic and the body likes to move. Plus we get to catch up on the news of the day, gossip, enjoy each other's company. Then a cup of tea, a swim and for me, it's then nap time. I sleep maybe 5 hours in the night time, so I use the late afternoon as the supplementary rest period... read the book, fall asleep, then get ready for the evening.
And that was a big highlight yesterday, particularly after the debacle of the night before. (see previous post). On this day, I was going to do my first gig at a nice restaurant and we were gonna see if it was a good fit. Had some sound problems at the beginning, the cord to the guitar didn't work, had to play guitar into a microphone old school style, and it took a little time to dial it in and get a feedback free sound. Sorry to the diners who had to hear the set-up, it wasn't pretty. And I was feeling awkward, not quite knowing the equipment, wondering if I should just pack it in and forget about it. But once the sound was OK, and I loosened up, hey it's just music, have some fun, try some things, gauge the response and then try some more things.
And the more I played the better it went. There were people clapping, and singing along, a few got up to dance, many smiles, the owners were happy, it went well. One of the tables near me was really into it. Turns out that he is 84 (looks 65), a guy named Richmond Shepard, father of Vonda Shepard who used to sing at the end of the Allie McBeal show. Richard worked as a mime and theater guy, still teaches and travels the world. His wife, didn't catch her name is a prolific author who writes about the New York theater scene... books about Joseph Papp, David Merrick and others... Accomplished New Yorker old timers, I said, you guys are a couple of swells... (NY term from back in the day). They were totally into my shtick, if felt awesome. At the next table was an older Dutch couple and they were digging it too, calling out songs which I could play... so much fun. And then some girls started dancing and damn, it was perfect. Especially when the boss said he wanted me to come play twice a week (and the money is good... shhhhh it's under the table, not allowed to make money here if you're a foreign musician). And they want me to play a big party on Christmas Eve as well, so suddenly I have a chance to make some cash and have a great venue... feels really nice. shhhhh
The other good news was that I wrote a note to my buddy who I had been struggling with and I guess I took the right tack, because he heard me, responded well, and now we're good again... that's a relief... got to hang on to the good friends...
And there was even a nice late night set at the CU where I got to jam with some young Frenchmen who play well, and then we were joined by a great singer from Seattle who blew the room away on some blues... Yup, it turned and after my first week here, I finally feel like I landed.... ahhhh
Well finally something to write about...
Yup that was me at the microphone last night in the noisy, non-paying attention cacophony of the CU Corner. I got the feeling that I could have sung any damn words at all and it would have made exactly zero difference... after all, who's paying attention to the music. It's just background for the loud conversations that everyone is having. And I felt something get triggered... some kind of 'what's the use, I'm too old for this shit' vibe that I have found to be a dangerous one over the years. I actually did make up a couple of verses about what's the use of singing for a bunch of drunks when it doesn't matter anyway and no one even registered a flicker of recognition that things were out of the ordinary. White noise...
The worst is when a couple of people who had allegedly come to see me perform were sitting real close to the mic and were having a loud conversation with their new friend as I was singing 5 feet away. That level of insensitivity and lack of awareness is kind of mind blowing to me, but I guess it's just the way things are these days.
So it helped me access my 'diva state' which is to feel insulted, offended, frustrated etc, and all the more so because I had been spending time preparing for this night, made a list of songs I wanted to do, warmed up my voice, got in the right state of mind to share, and was then met with the hopeless and useless wall of noise and indifference. A pretty good version of hell for the likes of me. It's just not what I do.
And of course, the feelings of anger and the desire to run the fuck away from here tell me that there is some potent material in this stuff, and for the first time in my week on the road, I'm anxious to dig in and see what I can find.
Coupled with the sense of uselessness I experienced last night is the lousy interaction I've been having with my 'friend' J, or at least I thought he was my friend. He's a guy I've known over the years here and we've had lots of conversations about relationships, wordplay, heart to heart stuff. This time around, I've found him to be relentlessly cynical in my direction, making fun of my 'messiah complex', making fun of my facebook posts about the light and the spirit and the good vibes which are certainly a theme in what I post. (and at this point, the computer I was using crashed and I thought I had lost the previous paragraphs... a perfect metaphor for how it's been going lately). But fortunately the blogger site saves as I write, so here on this new computer, I can continue...
And that's a pretty apt metaphor as well... step away, take a break, enforced or otherwise, and then wade back in. So here I am. (Hineni, said Moses... here I am) here I am...
That thing with the friend is so tied in with family of origin hurts and it's part of what made me realize that I couldn't live in NY, had to get away from the accusations about being an egotist and attention seeker. I am those things on some level... maybe all of us are, but my desire for connection and light and special communication are the basis of who I am... not to make myself better than others, but to connect, to get to the place of 'Here we are'. And all the drinks and I phones and cigarettes and cynicism serve to block out that light, keep it fragmented and hidden. Sorry, that ain't what I do. I know that it's true and I know that I'm here to serve the light and the connection. It's a fact. I serve therefore I am... Servito ergo sum...
The best part of last night was playing bass with my Thai friend, Apple. It's that effortless, pro musician communication which we've always had, and it's akin to 'love'. There is eye contact, knowledge of what the other is doing, the ability to follow... heavenly. We're friends and his English is such that we don't have much to talk about... it's in the music, and it's real. If we get a moment, I want his opinion on how he is able to play for folks who aren't listening and keep his good humor and equanimity. I have a feeling there is something big to learn there.
At one point, owner Thaew came up and told Apple that Claire was going to sing a song, and that our set was over. Claire is a young Brit who was leaving Chiang Mai in a day or so, and this party was in her honor. She said she just wanted to sing, not play, so I ended up accompanying her on guitar. I asked her what she wanted to sing and she said 'Leaving on a Jet Plane'. I said let me hear where you want it... sing a bit, so she did. I found the key and off we went. Her voice was beautiful and expressive, she closed her eyes put her whole soul into it... and still the people were talking. They couldn't take a minute to STFU and listen to the woman who the party was honoring. (allegedly) And I played as sweetly as I could, accompanied her well, and it was a beautiful moment, at least on stage... With the voices in the background talking talking talking.
Afterward I was sitting with some friends, drinking a glass of wine. J was chatting up a cute Thai woman who teaches English at an elementary school. I asked about coming in to visit and doing a few songs with the kids. She was into it, J said something snide about it, somehow belittling my desire to connect with the local kids......Dude we have to talk, this ain't gonna work. After this entry, I'm gonna write him the non-violent communication version of 'don't be fucking with me if you want to be my friend'. I'd rather do that than stew silently and separate emotionally... I like the guy, he's one of the reasons I was excited to come back to Chiang Mai. We shall see... Here I am...
The worst is when a couple of people who had allegedly come to see me perform were sitting real close to the mic and were having a loud conversation with their new friend as I was singing 5 feet away. That level of insensitivity and lack of awareness is kind of mind blowing to me, but I guess it's just the way things are these days.
So it helped me access my 'diva state' which is to feel insulted, offended, frustrated etc, and all the more so because I had been spending time preparing for this night, made a list of songs I wanted to do, warmed up my voice, got in the right state of mind to share, and was then met with the hopeless and useless wall of noise and indifference. A pretty good version of hell for the likes of me. It's just not what I do.
And of course, the feelings of anger and the desire to run the fuck away from here tell me that there is some potent material in this stuff, and for the first time in my week on the road, I'm anxious to dig in and see what I can find.
Coupled with the sense of uselessness I experienced last night is the lousy interaction I've been having with my 'friend' J, or at least I thought he was my friend. He's a guy I've known over the years here and we've had lots of conversations about relationships, wordplay, heart to heart stuff. This time around, I've found him to be relentlessly cynical in my direction, making fun of my 'messiah complex', making fun of my facebook posts about the light and the spirit and the good vibes which are certainly a theme in what I post. (and at this point, the computer I was using crashed and I thought I had lost the previous paragraphs... a perfect metaphor for how it's been going lately). But fortunately the blogger site saves as I write, so here on this new computer, I can continue...
And that's a pretty apt metaphor as well... step away, take a break, enforced or otherwise, and then wade back in. So here I am. (Hineni, said Moses... here I am) here I am...
That thing with the friend is so tied in with family of origin hurts and it's part of what made me realize that I couldn't live in NY, had to get away from the accusations about being an egotist and attention seeker. I am those things on some level... maybe all of us are, but my desire for connection and light and special communication are the basis of who I am... not to make myself better than others, but to connect, to get to the place of 'Here we are'. And all the drinks and I phones and cigarettes and cynicism serve to block out that light, keep it fragmented and hidden. Sorry, that ain't what I do. I know that it's true and I know that I'm here to serve the light and the connection. It's a fact. I serve therefore I am... Servito ergo sum...
The best part of last night was playing bass with my Thai friend, Apple. It's that effortless, pro musician communication which we've always had, and it's akin to 'love'. There is eye contact, knowledge of what the other is doing, the ability to follow... heavenly. We're friends and his English is such that we don't have much to talk about... it's in the music, and it's real. If we get a moment, I want his opinion on how he is able to play for folks who aren't listening and keep his good humor and equanimity. I have a feeling there is something big to learn there.
At one point, owner Thaew came up and told Apple that Claire was going to sing a song, and that our set was over. Claire is a young Brit who was leaving Chiang Mai in a day or so, and this party was in her honor. She said she just wanted to sing, not play, so I ended up accompanying her on guitar. I asked her what she wanted to sing and she said 'Leaving on a Jet Plane'. I said let me hear where you want it... sing a bit, so she did. I found the key and off we went. Her voice was beautiful and expressive, she closed her eyes put her whole soul into it... and still the people were talking. They couldn't take a minute to STFU and listen to the woman who the party was honoring. (allegedly) And I played as sweetly as I could, accompanied her well, and it was a beautiful moment, at least on stage... With the voices in the background talking talking talking.
Afterward I was sitting with some friends, drinking a glass of wine. J was chatting up a cute Thai woman who teaches English at an elementary school. I asked about coming in to visit and doing a few songs with the kids. She was into it, J said something snide about it, somehow belittling my desire to connect with the local kids......Dude we have to talk, this ain't gonna work. After this entry, I'm gonna write him the non-violent communication version of 'don't be fucking with me if you want to be my friend'. I'd rather do that than stew silently and separate emotionally... I like the guy, he's one of the reasons I was excited to come back to Chiang Mai. We shall see... Here I am...
The wheat from the chaff
Is it enough to just enjoy life, not feel the need to accomplish something? In my case, probably not, though I'd rarely be mistaken for a Type A personality. But now that I'm in Thailand, I have the niggling thought that I need to create, to dive inside, put some things together, write some lyrics, come up with something new, in a word, to create. So I'll sit down here with basically nothing to say, and see if anything emerges.
And right away, I have the realization that the true creation comes from honesty... and as long as I'm wanting to censor my thoughts, not reveal too much, it's as though there is a filter on the source of the magic. Hmmm it's quite the dilemma. And I'm not the first one to face it. But in the past, I've been burned by revealing too much, speaking too candidly. But maybe that's not true either, though it seemed like it at the time.
A couple of years ago I was writing quite honestly about a relationship with my Thai girlfriend, the ups and the downs, the drinking, the 'connection', the love, the money, the whole experience. It was therapeutic for me, and entertaining for my few readers. But there were some repercussions down the line. For one, the woman (former Facebook friend) who runs the stage I played on at Country Fair, came to the conclusion that I couldn't be a 'kids entertainer' and write about adult stuff, and she used that as a major reason why I didn't get the gig I had been used to in the past. I thought it was a totally bullshit move on her part... especially where she said that she showed my blog to some other folks from the fair and they all agreed with her perception. Talk about a self-fulfilling prophecy, not one of those folks would have had any possibility of reading what I wrote, other than for the fact of her sharing it, and then to use that as a pretext... like I say, 'bullshit move'. Like I say, 'former Facebook friend'.
And along the same lines, but more understandably... I had a relationship going with a woman in Eugene last year, and she was fine with me going to Thailand for the winter.... until she started reading the blog from the previous year... and that freaked her out and she was convinced that I was 'still in love with M' and that was the end of that. She couldn't deal with that thought, even though I had broken up with M in order to keep things clean and neat for the new relationship... or so I thought. It was another example of the one-plus-one equals zero theory that I have about relationships. Oh so true in this case.
But in retrospect, did I really need that Country Fair gig? No I didn't... it had run its course and I don't miss that Bacchanal in July. And was that relationship going to survive? No it wasn't, as there was a 'communication' issue throughout the months and that would have crushed it eventually. This was just a shortcut to the inevitable end. Not a pleasant one, to be sure, but whatever, it was the right thing.
The point being that maybe my thought that I got 'burned' by revealing too much is incorrect. Maybe it actually helped me separate the wheat from the chaff.
And right away, I have the realization that the true creation comes from honesty... and as long as I'm wanting to censor my thoughts, not reveal too much, it's as though there is a filter on the source of the magic. Hmmm it's quite the dilemma. And I'm not the first one to face it. But in the past, I've been burned by revealing too much, speaking too candidly. But maybe that's not true either, though it seemed like it at the time.
A couple of years ago I was writing quite honestly about a relationship with my Thai girlfriend, the ups and the downs, the drinking, the 'connection', the love, the money, the whole experience. It was therapeutic for me, and entertaining for my few readers. But there were some repercussions down the line. For one, the woman (former Facebook friend) who runs the stage I played on at Country Fair, came to the conclusion that I couldn't be a 'kids entertainer' and write about adult stuff, and she used that as a major reason why I didn't get the gig I had been used to in the past. I thought it was a totally bullshit move on her part... especially where she said that she showed my blog to some other folks from the fair and they all agreed with her perception. Talk about a self-fulfilling prophecy, not one of those folks would have had any possibility of reading what I wrote, other than for the fact of her sharing it, and then to use that as a pretext... like I say, 'bullshit move'. Like I say, 'former Facebook friend'.
And along the same lines, but more understandably... I had a relationship going with a woman in Eugene last year, and she was fine with me going to Thailand for the winter.... until she started reading the blog from the previous year... and that freaked her out and she was convinced that I was 'still in love with M' and that was the end of that. She couldn't deal with that thought, even though I had broken up with M in order to keep things clean and neat for the new relationship... or so I thought. It was another example of the one-plus-one equals zero theory that I have about relationships. Oh so true in this case.
But in retrospect, did I really need that Country Fair gig? No I didn't... it had run its course and I don't miss that Bacchanal in July. And was that relationship going to survive? No it wasn't, as there was a 'communication' issue throughout the months and that would have crushed it eventually. This was just a shortcut to the inevitable end. Not a pleasant one, to be sure, but whatever, it was the right thing.
The point being that maybe my thought that I got 'burned' by revealing too much is incorrect. Maybe it actually helped me separate the wheat from the chaff.
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