Wistful thinking

Wistful in my last few days in Chiang Mai... Got that sense of 'leaving', saying goodbye again... but hey, with the Buddhist 'let it come and let it go' vibe I've been working on, it's kind of a sweet thing. Took a slow attentive walk (again) through the old city to the park. I know the characters at this point, and they know me... or at least see me on a daily basis. There's the withered old homeless guy who has a little rat's nest of a bed in the shade by the recycling place, there are the old ladies who deep fry some kind of treats which are for sale in front of their place. They cross the street to catch the warmth of the morning sun... It's been quite cool here lately. There's the woman who makes the noodle soup saying 'Hallo' as I pass by. There's the weathered old man pedaling his bicycle rickshaw looking for a fare. Here's the guy in the cluttered fix-it shop, taking apart some small appliance and trying to get it working... every day. The ladies with the deep fried chicken and curries selling day after day. Past my favorite temple with the beautiful chedi behind it, and finally to the park, for a stretch and a meditation and some asanas. And by the time I get there, the wistfulness has given way to a thousand other feelings and it's time to chop wood and carry water, or in my case, sit down, breathe, and watch what happens... I totally love this place.

Had just a great night playing in the restaurant yesterday.  I was totally on my musical game, voice good, playing well, great response.  At one point these two little Dutch boys came up with their mom and started break dancing to my music.  The kids were like 5 and 2 years old.  I let them do it for a couple of songs but eventually asked them to stop because they were blocking the way of the wait staff who were busily trying to bring food to the diners.  But it was pretty cute.


Had some fans in the audience which meant I got to deliver some originals to an appreciative audience.  Once again Noi said, 'We're really gonna miss you, Rich'  The feeling is mutual.  Three more nights at the restaurant, one more night jamming with Apple at CU Corner (tonight), then it's on the road next Tuesday morning to Phnom Penh...

Spread it around...

I feel like I've come through a period of being super focused on money, how much I have, how much I made, how much will I have by next week etc.  Something about the ability to make money here, pay my way on this retreat has been very compelling and I'd go back to my room after a gig and count it up, enjoy knowing right where I stand... OK enough of that... because the down side is that I was feeling kind of selfish about it all... and compulsive.

So yesterday I took a toke with my buddy and got a different perspective... wanted to just spread it around, share with the women who clean my room, with the folks who work the front desk at the guest house, with the waitress at CU Corner who needs the money.  They all need the money, they work hard and long and for not too much... So today is a day to spread it around, balance the ledger, share the wealth, as it were.  Feels right.

Along those lines I took JF out for breakfast today and he rolled some video of my latest tune.  The bossa nova.  It was a really good performance, but the wind wrecked it... too bad, we'll have to redo... Darn, but no bid deal, I've got the song in my voice and fingers so it's just a question of rolling video... But wow, we shot it at a chedi and it looked really nice... oh well.. next time..

Just like life

Twelve thirty on a Tuesday afternoon... did my walk across town for yoga, this time I met up with Irish John who's been doing a practice for years and I followed along on his routine.  Nice, challenging and worth the visit.  Back through town for a bowl of food from the lady at the halfway point.  In other words, just another day in paradise.  And I'm starting to feel the stirrings that it's time to go.  Haven't had much of a response in the restaurant the last couple of nights, so that thrill is wearing off a bit, but hey, it's been a hell of a run.  4 more gigs there and that's it. 

I'll arrive in Sihanoukville exactly two days before the Chinese New Year hordes show up and I'm slightly concerned about finding lodging, but I'll work it out.  I wrote Jelly asking if he'd be willing to rent me a room at the guest house he's staying at, and I should hear back before too long.  It's no big deal, something will turn up, I might have to be up on the hill for that first week, but I'm hoping for the convenience of being on the beach.  When I'm on the beach, I can leave my stuff locked up in the room, do the beach thing without having to keep an eagle eye on stuff.  it's better that way.

I'm thick with Thai baht at the moment and I'm going to change them to dollars today or tomorrow... (They use dollars in Cambodia as opposed to the local currency)  With the troubles in Bangkok, the baht has been dropping, so maybe now's the time.  I spent about $500 in the first couple of weeks here but since then I'm actually about $200 ahead of my expenses and that will be up to about $300 by the time the week is over.  Kind of nuts to make money on the road, rather than spend it... Pretty lucky, no doubt about it... It's been a majorly happy part of the experience here... feeling like I've got the best gig in town.  (I had the same feeling in Cambodia last winter)

Now's the time to say farewells, make some final appearances, give thanks for a great couple of months.  Noi has been an outstanding friend here, she's the boss and the decision maker and the grande dame, so I think she appreciates the fact that I will tease her some and just be normal, rather than subservient.  She's a smart, opinionated woman, very giving and a good friend.  Without her support, this would have been a very different couple of months.  And I know that she gets a lot out of the friendship as well.  Last night she was saying, 'I'm really gonna miss having you here'. 

And that's part of the story in Chiang Mai, people coming and going, farewells and welcome backs all the time.  Something sad about it, but so it goes.  We meet, we connect, we say farewell.... just like life.

And what remains?  The same things that get us through any day... breath, thoughts, something to eat, a place to sleep, music, friends and appreciation of the gifts...  

Everybody's Got Someone But Me (bossa nova)

Well you can't hear the chords, but it's a jazzy Jobim style bossa nova.  Gonna record it ASAP

Stayed until the very end

Walking home alone again

Everybody's got someone but me

See them walking arm in arm

Eyes alive, bodies warm

Everybody's got someone but me

All my love was in the past
Only sadness seems to last and last....

If I could find another chance
To have that kind of true romance
What a different man I'd be
Or is that idle fantasy?
Everybody's got someone but me

Instrumental....

When I thought the die was cast
Sweetness came into my life at last

Thank God I got another chance
To take a turn in the lovers' dance
Our romantic rhapsody
Oh what a blessing it would be
If everybody had someone like me

Ten or so days to go here...

Still chugging along in Chiang Mai, feeling quite peaceful (for me), maintaining the rhythm of yoga in the morning, music at night.  The music continues to nourish my soul, as I am blessed to connect with lots of different people, audience members and fellow musicians.  I'm just so at home in front of a microphone, waving to the kids, finding the right song to play for the adults, getting some laughs, earning some tips.  Feels like the best gig in town as I average about $50 each time I play at the restaurant... plus the great dinner and drinks if I want them.  (maybe one drink per show).  It's better than I could have imagined...

I bought a ticket to Phnom Penh for January 28, which is the last day of my visa, and that feels like the right choice.  (have I written this before... can't remember).  But I'll just scoot out of here and start the next chapter without a lot of travel in between.  Quick and surgical and on to the next. 

The people that you meet... I was having a great night, having played a three hour gig, then hanging outside of CU Corner with friends, popping inside occasionally to sing a harmony with Apple. There were plenty of musicians playing so I didn't need to sit in... just sing a bit. A couple walk by on their way someplace else and they were going slow, looking into the bar, slightly intrigued at the good vibe scene going on there, but they were on their way. I said, 'This is a really cool place...it's like an expat hangout, folks have been coming here for years, lots of old friends, you're welcome to come in and check it out' or words to that effect. They seemed nice and they were. Markus and Barbara from Austria, they had just come in from a month traveling around Myanmar and were kind of shell shocked to be back in the 'west' again after a very eastern month on the road.

They came in, ordered a couple of beers and we got talking. Turns out they are theater professionals in Salzburg, Austria who offer drama workshops with different populations, prisoners, migrants, students etc. They get them playing theater games, they break down inhibitions and help the groups create works of drama. Their work is based on Stanislavski, Brecht, Grotowski (sp?) etc, and I found myself extremely interested. We had a great conversation and ended up making a coffee date for tomorrow 11am and I'm going to learn a few of their techniques, a few of the games. I just got the feeling that they are high level teachers, we had an instant rapport and it was one of those not-so-chance encounters that one can have in Chiang Mai. I have a real good feeling about coffee tomorrow...

PS they didn't make it to coffee.. likely couldn't find the place because they were pretty turned around last night... No matter, it's still a great interaction...   And now it's Friday evening, a night off from the restaurant, but I'll show up at CU with a guitar and who knows what happens?  Apple will be there and we'll be making some joyful noise... 

Into the air...

Well it's 7:07pm and I have no gig, so I'm kind of at a loss... my life seems to be largely oriented around my performing schedule... when I get those 3 hour shots of performing, I feel alive and involved and focused.  On the off days, things are a little more vague.  Not that I'm complaining, I feel great, just want to be playing.   Or writing, so what the heck, I'll write.

After talking to my friend John about some Cambodia particulars, I decided to check into flights, check availability and schedules, and boom, there it is, a perfect connection through Bangkok that gets me into Phnom Penh at 2:30 in the afternoon.  Leave Chiang Mai at 10am, nice transfer in BKK, arrive in Cambodia at a good time.  Maybe even time to catch a bus down to Sihanoukville on the same day.  Sweet.  All I have to do is CLICK... so I did.  Decision made, no big overland journey, no new sights, just a direct shot over the border into the next chapter.  Feels right.  If I travel with Julie next winter, I'll be more open to discovering new places, finding new travel modes etc.  But on my own, I'd rather just get there and get set up.  So I will.

I got some visa photographs taken so that is covered, got my reservation for a week from Tuesday, which is the last day of my Thai 60-day visa allowance.  And coincidentally I get to do my last week at the restaurant, end on Monday night and be in the air on Tuesday morning.  Perfect!  Couldn't be easier (he said hopefully).  And what a visit it has been!  Between the dentistry and the gigs, the friendships and the yoga, the Buddhist reading, the mindful walks, it's been just a perfect retreat for the likes of me.  And the bonus is that I'm feeling incredibly connected to my sweetheart back in Oregon, lots of writing and skyping and wonder of wonders, it feels like we're even closer than when we left, if that's possible.  There's something miraculous about that, as I had carried the notion that if I were to go off on a 100 days journey, what are the chances that I'd have a love to come back to.  It didn't seem possible, but now it does, and that's a revelation.  Sweet revelation... like I might actually deserve to have love?  Never quite felt that way before... I do now.

I have a fairly consistent sense of well-being on this trip, and why not?  The weather is great, the food is great, I'm healthy, not a toke in a month and a half, the occasional drink, consistent yoga, consistent swimming, zero television.  It's like maximizing the good things and minimizing the energy suckers, so sure, why not feel great?  Maybe it's close to that 'miracle' state that I 'discovered' when I was about fifteen or sixteen and had my first revelation that 'life is a miracle' and the more I remember that, the happier I will be.  It was a powerful jolt of spirit back then, I knew it at the time, even wrote my future self a letter to remind me what I had discovered... and it feels like it's close to the surface again, that sense of wonder and gratitude for the gift of life.  I read this article in the Buddhist book about someone asking the Buddha if we should think about 'death' every day.  And the answer was that we should think about death with every breath.  Not in a maudlin way of course, but with the appreciation that this life is SO PRECIOUS and the more we remember that, the more conscious we become... Hmmm maybe I was a Buddhist way back when.  I certainly feel like one these days.  I wear my Buddha around my neck every day.  When I take it off, I put it at the head of my bed, so my feet don't point at it.  It's a tradition and I respect it.  Just bought another installment of the 'Best of Buddhist Writing' and I love digging into the articles.  It's exactly the right time.

So now I can look forward to 8 more evenings in the restaurant, a bunch more jams at the CU Corner, a dozen or so more walks crosstown to yoga in the park, friendship, sun, reading, music.  And then farewell Chiang Mai for this year.  I've been learning how to be in a different way this year.  Instead of going to my default pattern of 'where are the women, how can I meet one?' I've been searching for a new mode.  I've got real love on the other side of the world, and it's just a much higher value than the perpetual chase for 'connection', whatever that means.  It's an adjustment for sure, but it feels like a necessary and worthy pursuit, to find 'connection' inside myself, with my heart and mind.  And the more I do, the more the illusions can fade into the air, circle back into the ether.  Good times...

That's right, I skipped yoga... everything is different...

Well well well, I feel the changes a comin' on.  Looking at the calendar, I see that my 2 month visa is up in two weeks and it's time to start formulating a plan for the second half of my trip.  I broached the idea of extending the stay here in Chiang Mai to Dash and Noi last night, wondering about keeping the run going and remaining a restaurant musician.  They were supportive if that's what I wanted to do, but the fact is, things slow down, it might not be as interesting for me, and February is mostly about Chinese people celebrating their New Year.  They're happy to have me stay on, but then I'd feel like even more of a 'Court Musician' than I already am, so I got the sense that it's time to bust a move.  Glad I broached it, now I can start to plan the next phase.

I could buy a plane ticket to Bangkok and then on to Phnom Penh, and from there catch a bus down to Sihanoukville where I have friends and musical opportunities.  That's a pretty good option and probably the leader in the clubhouse at this writing.  (assuming there are tickets available, which I suspect there are).  Or I could give myself a chance to see something new, make my way into Laos, head overland to Cambodia.. lots of time and travel in that option, not sure if it's what I'm looking for, but it's a possibility.  I really enjoyed the boat trip to Luang Prabang I took 3 years ago, and that city is awesome.  But I've already seen it, so there is some desire to take a new route.  And Vietnam is also a possibility, either in the north or the south with friends in both Hanoi and Ho Chi Minh City (Saigon).  But then again, I've been two months in the city, it sounds good to be more rural... or more on the beach.   Hmmmm.

One thing in favor of a road trip is the fact that I'm traveling real light... it all fits in my mid-size backpack, and my guitar has a good case... So anything is possible.  Time to imagine what I want to experience in late January and early February.  I'll start asking around and doing whatever meager research I might initiate... it's not exactly my style... But tis time...

In the meantime I've got gigs to play, money to make, laps to swim and asanas to practice.  And Dash turned me onto a GREAT song in Spanish that I'm learning.  La Camisa Negra.   super groove, just my style, even if the subject matter isn't.  It's called the black shirt, about a guy who wears a black shirt to match his black soul that he's had since his lady fell out of love with him... But since it's in Spanish and folks won't understand the lyric, it's all good.  (my lady loves me anyhow:-)  right?  thought so...