I left the lovely M sleeping in my bed and it's now 11am on a Monday morning. We were asleep by 11pm last night, but she seems to be one who loads up on sleep when available, as a hedge against a busy and effort filled week, and since yesterday was her day off (when she'd normally sleep most of the day away), she's catching up on it now. There's no way I could hang out in bed that long, so I'm doing some errands, taking care of some correspondence, and maybe writing a bit.
Last night we got some food at the awesome Sunday street fair, then retired to her place to hang out some. She wanted to do some housecleaning and straightening up, while I lay back, watched some Thai TV and dozed. Eventually we were gonna head over to my place to sleep, but before we did, she wanted to share some of her life with me. Under her bed, she's got a couple of trunks that store her stuff. (It's a one room place, not a lot of storage, so she uses under the bed as her closet).
It was enlightening to say the least. I knew that she was an unusual person, an original, and that was reflected in the stuff she pulled out. Massage manuals, she trained for a long time and is really good at it.... Watercolor paintings of flowers and other nature... she's good at that too.... some other artwork stuff, books by the Dalai Lama, diplomas from some of the courses she's attended, advanced yoga training materials, she trained and taught for 6 years until a neck injury sidelined her, yeah and I saw the neck xrays too, though I didn't really know what I was looking at.
I guess what I'm trying to get across is this notion that here is a woman who grew up poor in Bangkok, the 9th of 10 kids, and she self made her life into something that seems more like someone you'd meet in Portland,OR. And she did it with no support whatever, working to put herself through the various programs, always buying books, always curious and growing, I'm more than impressed. Even though she's small and dark and gorgeous, she feels like my people as opposed to some little exotic adventure that has no relationship to 'real life' I like her a lot, and am inspired by her, as she makes me question my own lack of curiousity. How lucky to meet up with this person!
Contrast that with the energy I just encountered in a bar around the corner. Since M was still needing more sleep, I figured I'd go out and watch the end of the NFL game, some bar must have opened early to bring in some American visitors. Ah there it is, 4 guys watching the Jets/Steelers and the talk is all hookers, blowjobs, don't tell my wife, threeways, look at this video from last night, it was crazy, is the guest house 'guest friendly' (can you bring your whore there?). The bar owner was a yound Danish dude, bleach blond, had been up all night, outgoing and debauched. His customers were a couple of Americans and a Brit, they'd been up all night, drinking since 8pm and now it was 9am. It was an OK vibe actually, but I'm so glad to not be part of that energy. I can smile at it, even accept it (as the would-be Buddhist that I fancy myself to be), but I want no part of that world.
I emailed with my Vietnamese friend Lan Anh, who has invited me to celebrate Tet (New Year's) at her mom's house in Thai Nguyen Province, some 60 kilometers out of Hanoi. That is very exciting news, and it sounds amazing to have that kind of an 'in' into Vietnam. I'm gonna do it. The timing is right. I feel very resolved with the situation here and it's OK to leave. I think I'll make it out of here either tomorrow or the day after, and what a journey it should be.
There is a three day trip, including two long boat rides on the Mekong River that gets you to Luang Prabang in North Central Laos. I think it's the capital but I'm not sure, but it is a world heritage city, and I'm going there. I love the idea of a slow boat trip on the Mekong, seeing the country flow by, playing some guitar, fuckin A it sounds great. After that, it's a bus ride south to Vientiane, and then cross into Vietnam and make my way to Hanoi. I'm sure I'll figure out how to get to where Lan Anh is, and I hope to spend some quality time with her and her people.
Now that my time here is short, I'll make some farewells to the friends I've made, I'll write some kind of summation of what I saw here, and then beat it. I just talked to the French Canadian dude who was talking about 'Round House' and I thought he was saying Ram Dass. He won his Muay Thai boxing match the other night and is fighting againg tonight at around 9:30. He's a martial artist from Quebec, slender and ripped, and he beat his guy in 20 seconds. Tonight he's on again, and he says, I should bet on him if I want to earn some money. I think maybe I'll just do that. Haven't seen the Thai Boxing yet, and hey, I know a guy who's gonna compete. Costs about $10 to get in, which is a big expense these days, but hey, sounds like the right time. Maybe I'll make it back at the betting window... Oh yeah, O Canada
And now, the rest of the story... (Paul Harvey RIP)
Well the last post was a fairly simple (and hopefully accuarate) summation of the part of me that can put it in a box, seal it up tight, and then hit the road.... again. Seems easy when it's just me talking to me, it all makes sense.
So I did some errands until 1pm, the errands included dropping off my laundry at the Chinese family that has a little laundry business, stopping by the bookstore for some road reading, in this case a book by Elmore Leonard, and one by Herman Hesse. (from the ridiculous to the sublime perhaps?) And then I stopped by M's place to see if she was awake yet? We had said goodnight on less than good terms, and I wanted to reconnect and eventually initiate the 'farewell' conversation.
Knock knock.... I see the window blind move as she checked to see who was there, and then the door opened. She was still sleeping, needed some more rest, which was what I expected. She was real happy to see me, wasn't sure if I were mad at her, so we snuggled a bit while 'Law and Order SVU' played softly on her TV set. She's funny like that, tends to fall asleep with the TV on, and will flip it on in the middle of the night if she wakes up. (not unlike yours truly). She likes to have the English Language stuff on as a way to improve her understanding and command.
Without going into detail, (yeah, I'm honest, but I'll leave some things private), we ended up hanging out for about 3 hours, during which we talked, connected and shared some of the kind of memorable time that makes life so incredibly sweet. There were some tears, but mostly just sweetness and understanding, and phenomenal 'sharing' and I'm feeling incredibly grateful at the moment, looking over at her now on the next computer, checking her email, which she gets to about once a week.
It's like the other side of the coin. I kind of know what my 'trendency' is (yeah I just made up a word), but it's so much more interesting when it intersects with another real life human being with trendencies of her own. I'm feeling really good about my own participation in this duet; it's been straight up truthful and giving, and that's about all I can ask of myself. I do have the tape loop that says, I'm such and such a 'commitment phobe' or 'player' or other derogatory label, and it's not too hard to frame my interactions with that filter. But it's just not true here, and this interaction has been a positive for both of us. Que mas quieres? What more do you want.
So I'm all set to leave town, could be as early as tomorrow, but then again, now that I've felt the other side of the coin, it's awfully sweet to maybe stick around another day or two or three? Still on that moment to moment balancing act, but it feels different now, knowing that this connection is real and from the heart, it becomes cleaner and easier to make decisions.
The thing I'm feeling at the moment is huge respect for my friend M. To portray her simply as someone with a self destructive streak, which I did in the preceding post, doesn't do any kind of justice to her depth of character. She reads Krishnamurti, she talked about Eckhard Tolle's book, she's a thinker and a feeler and a 'woman of valor' as the Jews like to say. And I have been so blessed to get to share even a small part of the journey with her. (heart is happy)
So I did some errands until 1pm, the errands included dropping off my laundry at the Chinese family that has a little laundry business, stopping by the bookstore for some road reading, in this case a book by Elmore Leonard, and one by Herman Hesse. (from the ridiculous to the sublime perhaps?) And then I stopped by M's place to see if she was awake yet? We had said goodnight on less than good terms, and I wanted to reconnect and eventually initiate the 'farewell' conversation.
Knock knock.... I see the window blind move as she checked to see who was there, and then the door opened. She was still sleeping, needed some more rest, which was what I expected. She was real happy to see me, wasn't sure if I were mad at her, so we snuggled a bit while 'Law and Order SVU' played softly on her TV set. She's funny like that, tends to fall asleep with the TV on, and will flip it on in the middle of the night if she wakes up. (not unlike yours truly). She likes to have the English Language stuff on as a way to improve her understanding and command.
Without going into detail, (yeah, I'm honest, but I'll leave some things private), we ended up hanging out for about 3 hours, during which we talked, connected and shared some of the kind of memorable time that makes life so incredibly sweet. There were some tears, but mostly just sweetness and understanding, and phenomenal 'sharing' and I'm feeling incredibly grateful at the moment, looking over at her now on the next computer, checking her email, which she gets to about once a week.
It's like the other side of the coin. I kind of know what my 'trendency' is (yeah I just made up a word), but it's so much more interesting when it intersects with another real life human being with trendencies of her own. I'm feeling really good about my own participation in this duet; it's been straight up truthful and giving, and that's about all I can ask of myself. I do have the tape loop that says, I'm such and such a 'commitment phobe' or 'player' or other derogatory label, and it's not too hard to frame my interactions with that filter. But it's just not true here, and this interaction has been a positive for both of us. Que mas quieres? What more do you want.
So I'm all set to leave town, could be as early as tomorrow, but then again, now that I've felt the other side of the coin, it's awfully sweet to maybe stick around another day or two or three? Still on that moment to moment balancing act, but it feels different now, knowing that this connection is real and from the heart, it becomes cleaner and easier to make decisions.
The thing I'm feeling at the moment is huge respect for my friend M. To portray her simply as someone with a self destructive streak, which I did in the preceding post, doesn't do any kind of justice to her depth of character. She reads Krishnamurti, she talked about Eckhard Tolle's book, she's a thinker and a feeler and a 'woman of valor' as the Jews like to say. And I have been so blessed to get to share even a small part of the journey with her. (heart is happy)
Cuando llegare', cuando llegare' When will I arrive?
That's the hook from Manu Choy's ultra cool gypsy tune called 'El desaparecido' (The disapperaing one) a three chord minor-key groove about the guy who flies in and flies out, you can't really get a handle on where he'll turn up next. It's running in my head this fine Sunday morning, as I find myself preparing to pack it up and head to the east, into Laos. I've said all along that this trip is a day to day proposition, and I got the inkling yesterday that it's time to hit it.
I sense a difficult conversation later in the day as I give M the news, and yeah, it gets complicated once you have connected in a real way. Heart strings go out, vulnerability increases, tears and sadness find their way into the equation, and there's a kind of special pain that is reserved for these type of partings. (I know about this stuff)
Llevo en el cuerpo un dolor que no me deja respirar
Llevo en el alma una condena que siempre me echa a caminar
I carry in my body a pain that doesn't let me breathe
I carry in my soul a condemnation that always throws me back on the road
Cuando llegare' When will I arrive?
Yesterday was a tough day, not enough sleep, as happens when you're waiting for your girlfriend to finish her shift and you don't get to bed until 3:30-4:00am, and the city noise wakes you up by 8. The day gets kind of foggy and altered, and there is a sense that 'this is not for me', not the late nights, not watching her do her flirting with the customers thing (all appropriate, but not that pleasant to observe). And there is a self-destructive piece of it, that 'bad girl' thing that smokes and drinks, and that ain't me either. Hard to watch someone you care about have that urge.
I remember one letter to Dear Abby where some girl was in love with her boyfriend, but the boyfriend kept saying he wasn't good enough for her. How could she convince him that he was? Abby's advice seemed pretty solid. If he says he's not good enough, take him at his word.
M is a smart, hard working, beautiful, lovely woman, with an unfortunate self-destructive streak. I'm sure she's got her reasons. She was the youngest daughter and part of her responsibilities as a child was to buy her mom's whiskey and sometimes light her cigarettes, as if she were being primed for a life of substance issues. She's got 5 older sisters, all of whom are married, none of whom smoke, and she's estranged from the majority of them. Most are much older than her, a different generation, and oh, my heart goes out to this person, she's in a tough situation and I wish I could help.
But I can't.
Last night, we left the bar and I was kind of bumming out, upset about a few things that happened in there.... minor stuff, but being tired probably didn't help my perspective. I had a beer and paid for it and added a nice tip, and she didn't say thanks... If it were any other customer, she'd have been really grateful, but since it was me, she wasn't really focused, so she went off without any word of acknowledgement. to go smile for some other customer, likely. After I played a set on bass, I stumbled coming back through the bar, (the floor is uneven), and she said,
'You walk like you're drunk' (something she would of course never say to another customer). It was likely banter on her part, but I wasn't really in the mood, and I said, 'Please say nice things to me'. Like I said, minor stuff, and the only reason I'm writing it down is to try and be accurate.
On the way home, she said, 'what's wrong?' and when I brought up those things, she obviously didn't want to hear it after working a 10 hour shift, (can't blame her), so I got that button pushed as well.... the one that gets stung if I try to communicate something to someone who isn't open to it. So we had one of those, 'look if you don't want me to come over, I go to my place' moments on the street. I said, let's talk. She said, OK come on, I want to drink. She had probably had a couple or three beers during her shift, and about the last thing I wanted to do was be in another alcohol environment. So that was a convenient place to part ways, she headed to the bar, I headed to my room.
Now it's sunday, her day to catch up on sleep and get some stuff done that is hard to do during the work week. Hopefully we'll hook up later and have a good talk, one that will likely be the farewell conversation. I'm sad about it, but resigned too, because even though there is a strong physical connection, and even though I have a lot of feeling for her, a love for her, some gulfs aren't meant to be crossed at certain times, and I think we came up to it last night.
There is a gecko outside the window, haning out at my eye level, hanging on to the post of the place I'm writing from, just sitting there taking it all in. And then poof, he's gone in a flurry. Disappeared.
I've got a familiar pain in my soul, and I think there'll be some crying later. And it's OK, part of the plan. Much gratitude for this connection and this chapter....
Cuando llegare' ?
I sense a difficult conversation later in the day as I give M the news, and yeah, it gets complicated once you have connected in a real way. Heart strings go out, vulnerability increases, tears and sadness find their way into the equation, and there's a kind of special pain that is reserved for these type of partings. (I know about this stuff)
Llevo en el cuerpo un dolor que no me deja respirar
Llevo en el alma una condena que siempre me echa a caminar
I carry in my body a pain that doesn't let me breathe
I carry in my soul a condemnation that always throws me back on the road
Cuando llegare' When will I arrive?
Yesterday was a tough day, not enough sleep, as happens when you're waiting for your girlfriend to finish her shift and you don't get to bed until 3:30-4:00am, and the city noise wakes you up by 8. The day gets kind of foggy and altered, and there is a sense that 'this is not for me', not the late nights, not watching her do her flirting with the customers thing (all appropriate, but not that pleasant to observe). And there is a self-destructive piece of it, that 'bad girl' thing that smokes and drinks, and that ain't me either. Hard to watch someone you care about have that urge.
I remember one letter to Dear Abby where some girl was in love with her boyfriend, but the boyfriend kept saying he wasn't good enough for her. How could she convince him that he was? Abby's advice seemed pretty solid. If he says he's not good enough, take him at his word.
M is a smart, hard working, beautiful, lovely woman, with an unfortunate self-destructive streak. I'm sure she's got her reasons. She was the youngest daughter and part of her responsibilities as a child was to buy her mom's whiskey and sometimes light her cigarettes, as if she were being primed for a life of substance issues. She's got 5 older sisters, all of whom are married, none of whom smoke, and she's estranged from the majority of them. Most are much older than her, a different generation, and oh, my heart goes out to this person, she's in a tough situation and I wish I could help.
But I can't.
Last night, we left the bar and I was kind of bumming out, upset about a few things that happened in there.... minor stuff, but being tired probably didn't help my perspective. I had a beer and paid for it and added a nice tip, and she didn't say thanks... If it were any other customer, she'd have been really grateful, but since it was me, she wasn't really focused, so she went off without any word of acknowledgement. to go smile for some other customer, likely. After I played a set on bass, I stumbled coming back through the bar, (the floor is uneven), and she said,
'You walk like you're drunk' (something she would of course never say to another customer). It was likely banter on her part, but I wasn't really in the mood, and I said, 'Please say nice things to me'. Like I said, minor stuff, and the only reason I'm writing it down is to try and be accurate.
On the way home, she said, 'what's wrong?' and when I brought up those things, she obviously didn't want to hear it after working a 10 hour shift, (can't blame her), so I got that button pushed as well.... the one that gets stung if I try to communicate something to someone who isn't open to it. So we had one of those, 'look if you don't want me to come over, I go to my place' moments on the street. I said, let's talk. She said, OK come on, I want to drink. She had probably had a couple or three beers during her shift, and about the last thing I wanted to do was be in another alcohol environment. So that was a convenient place to part ways, she headed to the bar, I headed to my room.
Now it's sunday, her day to catch up on sleep and get some stuff done that is hard to do during the work week. Hopefully we'll hook up later and have a good talk, one that will likely be the farewell conversation. I'm sad about it, but resigned too, because even though there is a strong physical connection, and even though I have a lot of feeling for her, a love for her, some gulfs aren't meant to be crossed at certain times, and I think we came up to it last night.
There is a gecko outside the window, haning out at my eye level, hanging on to the post of the place I'm writing from, just sitting there taking it all in. And then poof, he's gone in a flurry. Disappeared.
I've got a familiar pain in my soul, and I think there'll be some crying later. And it's OK, part of the plan. Much gratitude for this connection and this chapter....
Cuando llegare' ?
Best Crossword Quote Ever....
I've been reading David Sedaris' "Me Talk Pretty One Day", and one of his short pieces in the book is about the NY Times Crossword Puzzle. Here's how it begins:
"When asked, 'What do we need to learn this for?' any highschool teacher can confidently answer that, regardless of the subject, the knowledge will come in handy once the student hits middle age and starts working crossword puzzles in order to stave off the terrible loneliness"
That made me laugh out loud, and yes, the shoe fits, even down to the part where I would question the teachers back in highschool in that exact way. Matter of fact, that question prompted the end of my interest in math, because in 11th grade, when I asked Dr Woroboff (AKA the Boff) why we were learning a particular thing, he replied,
'Richard, don't you realize that we learn math so that we can learn more math'.
In my mind, I replied, 'Adios, Boff'. After that, I never took math seriously again, although to be fair, I never took it seriously before either.
"When asked, 'What do we need to learn this for?' any highschool teacher can confidently answer that, regardless of the subject, the knowledge will come in handy once the student hits middle age and starts working crossword puzzles in order to stave off the terrible loneliness"
That made me laugh out loud, and yes, the shoe fits, even down to the part where I would question the teachers back in highschool in that exact way. Matter of fact, that question prompted the end of my interest in math, because in 11th grade, when I asked Dr Woroboff (AKA the Boff) why we were learning a particular thing, he replied,
'Richard, don't you realize that we learn math so that we can learn more math'.
In my mind, I replied, 'Adios, Boff'. After that, I never took math seriously again, although to be fair, I never took it seriously before either.
Not sleeping enough...(thai-erd)
I guess one of the things that happens when you're dating a woman who works until 2am, and then needs to go out for some after-work chow, is that sleep starts taking a back seat, and no, I'm not complaining. I've been hanging at M's bar for a few hours most nights, usually playing some music at some point, and I've been getting a bit of a following among the regulars. My skill-set fits in quite nicely in a primarily expat bar, and since the focus is often on jamming with others, it's right up my alley.
Couple nights ago was THE BEST night of music there so far, as a French guitarist named Daniel showed up with serious Django Reinhart type chops, but there was no one who could quite keep up with him (except me, natch), so we ended up playing an incredibly fun set of Le Hot Club type jazz, in which he freakin RULED on lead guitar while I held down the rhythm. I said, just show me the progression and I'll play it back for you, so he had a bunch of great stuff to share, some of which I was familiar with, the rest of which I could pick up quickly enough to let him rip it up. It was a blast to have this kind of music going instead of the standard fare of Credence Clearwater, Eagles, Beatles etc, all of which is great, but this was way up there in terms of swing and sophistication, and the audience loved it. For me, it was a cross between a guitar lesson and a performance, so what's better than that. One of the tunes was called Bossa Dorado, after some great player named Dorado something or other, and I'm gonna Youtube it and put it in the reportoire. A super sweet minor bossa, what a tune.
When I'm leading a set, I'll throw in anything from 'int She Sweet'to 'Up on Cripple Creek' to 'You don't know me' to 'Dream' to an original or two... just keep it moving and see what resonates. The owner of the bar is this really sweet Thai woman named Taow. (think of the sound a cat makes when it wants to come in), and she loves the song Dream, so every time I do it, she sings 'I love you so' (and I add, 'that I could cry' etc. I always give her the mic at that point and she sings it and walks away, and I will do some shtick about, 'wait a minute, why do you say, 'I love you so' and then walk away... it's just like a bunch of my relationships'. It always gets a laugh, and that's kind of the point.... that the music is for having fun, not for demonstrating how wonderful the musicians are (insert false modesty here).... cuz actually I think it is wonderful to stop the song in the middle, relate to the audience, let them know that it's a live event, rather than karaoke, and I've been plying that brand of music for decades now. It ain't about the sheen, it's about the being in the moment. (But don't suck as a musician, if you want to try it like that, I'm just sayin')
Yesterday I added a new piece of goodness to the Chiang Mai experience, which is that I asked for, and found a nice park in which to get on the ground and stretch, work out, do yoga etc. There is precious little green space in the city, and it was tremendous to sit under a tree, get a workout in, look around me to see a bunch of people doing the same thing, a group of guys playing soccer, a fellow sparring for an upcoming Thai Boxing match, a few women with hula hoops, some poeple jogging around the little pond. It's a small park, as these things go, but I'm thinking I'm gonna go there on a daily basis, as I've been missing that oportunity to be outdoors and on the ground.
On the way back from working out, I passed by a plaza where dozens and dozens of street food vendors were set up to feed a mostly Thai clientele, with some Farang thrown in. I was 1 for 3 in my choices, kind of like the way I used to bat when I was in high school. O for 1, O for 2, 1 for 3... I can live with that. First try was some grilled squid. I chose some meatier pieces as opposed to the woman who went before me, and when I bit into them... oops, octopus, really thick and chewy, the kind of thing you could choke to death on. couldn't do it, hey here's some little chicken meat grilling on skewers, looks good, I flash 3 fingers and she grabs them, puts them in a plastic bag, and I'm on my way. Damn, they're gizzards, uh, no can do. I'm down to 40 Baht cause I didn't bring my wallet... one last chance for a meal. I go by this stand, and the young woman says 'Khao Soi', which is one of the delicacies of northern Thailand, a smoky, earthy curry dish with noodles and chicken. I see the big pot cooking, and there are the dreaded 'congealed pigs blood cubes' that I had tried up in the mountains. I ask, Khao soi?, and she says, 'no, this one is Khao Soi' and voila, no congealed pigs blood. I ordered a bowl, paid a buck and had a lovely meal, sitting on the plaza, adding some cabbage, and soybean sprouts and pieces of string bean to the curry, which is how they do it here. Delicious, and just in the nick of time... 'Khao soi'rhymes with Cowboy, and I got a feeling that rhyme will make it into a song somewhere down the line.
M has been spending nights with me at my room at the Guest House, not what I expected, but I'm enjoying the 'company'. The first night that she spent there, we went downstairs in the morning, and I sensed some uptightness from the women who work the desk, who had formerly been very fun and friendly. It was as if they thought, 'Oh great, another western dude whoring around Chiang Mai'. I'm sure the assumption was that it was a 'paying gig' on M's part. I was a bit uncomfortable with it, thought about changing Guest houses to a place where you could come and go without passing the desk, but I decided to just let it be and see what would happen. Now that we've been hanging out for more time, that situation has resolved itself and the smiles have returned. I'm sure that there are layers of nuance which I'm not privy to, but it's feeling good there, and that makes me happy. I like to see smiles from people when I walk by.
I see that I'm on a one month tourist visa, which will require me to leave the country for a day in order to get another month to be here. It's a juggling act that the farang have to do, so that's coming up within about 13 days. Everything is still day to day, moment to moment, but I realize that having a lovely person to connect with is a huge draw for me at this point. I mean sure, I could go off and have all kinds of road experience (which I likely will), but is Glauber driven by his physical/sexual desires? Uh yeah, that's right, he is, so here he is. (Why that's written in third person, I don't know) Oh yeah, that's right, observation mode...
Hey I love hearing from any and all of you who care to write. My email is richglauber@yahoo.com if anyone wants to share... Out....
Couple nights ago was THE BEST night of music there so far, as a French guitarist named Daniel showed up with serious Django Reinhart type chops, but there was no one who could quite keep up with him (except me, natch), so we ended up playing an incredibly fun set of Le Hot Club type jazz, in which he freakin RULED on lead guitar while I held down the rhythm. I said, just show me the progression and I'll play it back for you, so he had a bunch of great stuff to share, some of which I was familiar with, the rest of which I could pick up quickly enough to let him rip it up. It was a blast to have this kind of music going instead of the standard fare of Credence Clearwater, Eagles, Beatles etc, all of which is great, but this was way up there in terms of swing and sophistication, and the audience loved it. For me, it was a cross between a guitar lesson and a performance, so what's better than that. One of the tunes was called Bossa Dorado, after some great player named Dorado something or other, and I'm gonna Youtube it and put it in the reportoire. A super sweet minor bossa, what a tune.
When I'm leading a set, I'll throw in anything from 'int She Sweet'to 'Up on Cripple Creek' to 'You don't know me' to 'Dream' to an original or two... just keep it moving and see what resonates. The owner of the bar is this really sweet Thai woman named Taow. (think of the sound a cat makes when it wants to come in), and she loves the song Dream, so every time I do it, she sings 'I love you so' (and I add, 'that I could cry' etc. I always give her the mic at that point and she sings it and walks away, and I will do some shtick about, 'wait a minute, why do you say, 'I love you so' and then walk away... it's just like a bunch of my relationships'. It always gets a laugh, and that's kind of the point.... that the music is for having fun, not for demonstrating how wonderful the musicians are (insert false modesty here).... cuz actually I think it is wonderful to stop the song in the middle, relate to the audience, let them know that it's a live event, rather than karaoke, and I've been plying that brand of music for decades now. It ain't about the sheen, it's about the being in the moment. (But don't suck as a musician, if you want to try it like that, I'm just sayin')
Yesterday I added a new piece of goodness to the Chiang Mai experience, which is that I asked for, and found a nice park in which to get on the ground and stretch, work out, do yoga etc. There is precious little green space in the city, and it was tremendous to sit under a tree, get a workout in, look around me to see a bunch of people doing the same thing, a group of guys playing soccer, a fellow sparring for an upcoming Thai Boxing match, a few women with hula hoops, some poeple jogging around the little pond. It's a small park, as these things go, but I'm thinking I'm gonna go there on a daily basis, as I've been missing that oportunity to be outdoors and on the ground.
On the way back from working out, I passed by a plaza where dozens and dozens of street food vendors were set up to feed a mostly Thai clientele, with some Farang thrown in. I was 1 for 3 in my choices, kind of like the way I used to bat when I was in high school. O for 1, O for 2, 1 for 3... I can live with that. First try was some grilled squid. I chose some meatier pieces as opposed to the woman who went before me, and when I bit into them... oops, octopus, really thick and chewy, the kind of thing you could choke to death on. couldn't do it, hey here's some little chicken meat grilling on skewers, looks good, I flash 3 fingers and she grabs them, puts them in a plastic bag, and I'm on my way. Damn, they're gizzards, uh, no can do. I'm down to 40 Baht cause I didn't bring my wallet... one last chance for a meal. I go by this stand, and the young woman says 'Khao Soi', which is one of the delicacies of northern Thailand, a smoky, earthy curry dish with noodles and chicken. I see the big pot cooking, and there are the dreaded 'congealed pigs blood cubes' that I had tried up in the mountains. I ask, Khao soi?, and she says, 'no, this one is Khao Soi' and voila, no congealed pigs blood. I ordered a bowl, paid a buck and had a lovely meal, sitting on the plaza, adding some cabbage, and soybean sprouts and pieces of string bean to the curry, which is how they do it here. Delicious, and just in the nick of time... 'Khao soi'rhymes with Cowboy, and I got a feeling that rhyme will make it into a song somewhere down the line.
M has been spending nights with me at my room at the Guest House, not what I expected, but I'm enjoying the 'company'. The first night that she spent there, we went downstairs in the morning, and I sensed some uptightness from the women who work the desk, who had formerly been very fun and friendly. It was as if they thought, 'Oh great, another western dude whoring around Chiang Mai'. I'm sure the assumption was that it was a 'paying gig' on M's part. I was a bit uncomfortable with it, thought about changing Guest houses to a place where you could come and go without passing the desk, but I decided to just let it be and see what would happen. Now that we've been hanging out for more time, that situation has resolved itself and the smiles have returned. I'm sure that there are layers of nuance which I'm not privy to, but it's feeling good there, and that makes me happy. I like to see smiles from people when I walk by.
I see that I'm on a one month tourist visa, which will require me to leave the country for a day in order to get another month to be here. It's a juggling act that the farang have to do, so that's coming up within about 13 days. Everything is still day to day, moment to moment, but I realize that having a lovely person to connect with is a huge draw for me at this point. I mean sure, I could go off and have all kinds of road experience (which I likely will), but is Glauber driven by his physical/sexual desires? Uh yeah, that's right, he is, so here he is. (Why that's written in third person, I don't know) Oh yeah, that's right, observation mode...
Hey I love hearing from any and all of you who care to write. My email is richglauber@yahoo.com if anyone wants to share... Out....
Wat Mi Wuri
On the van ride back from Pai, I got stuck in the rear seat, which I heard was the worst place to be as far as motion sickness goes. I was next to a barefoot, 23 year-old Brit, named Yusef, who came by his name thanks to a marriage between and Iranian father and British mother. Apparently his dad was an architect who fled the country like so many others during the Iranian revolution in 1979, and ended up in London, where he met and married a 21 year old English lass. He being 35 at the time, and an Iranian to boot, well it didn't go over well with the inlaws. But the marriage lasted, prospered and produced three sons, one of whom was sitting beside me on the twisty, nauseating ride down the mountain.
At first, dude was reading a book 'The Grapes of Wrath', but within a few minutes he started getting a little 'green around the gills', as the sailors like to say, and he put the book down and started looking miserable. I reach into my pack and grab a plastic bag that I had there, just in case, and I let him know that it's available should it come to that. He had his head in his hands and I figured it was only a matter of time.
Pretty soon he was half asleep and leaning real hard against me, which started driving me incresingly batshit, as I'm not that big on physical contact from strangers anyway, and this kid is using me as some kind of pillow/headboard. After about fifteen minutes of clenching my teeth, I finally say, 'Dude, could you lean against the van instead of against me' He asks if we could change places and that way he could lean against the backpacks which were stacked up to our right in the back of the rig. Well it's not easy to stand up and move around during the numerous hairpin turns, but we manage to make the switch, and he immediately conks out against the luggage.
Trouble is, now his ass is up into me, and it's almost worse than before, I was getting pissed off. In my mind, I'm formulating all these speeches about, 'Look man, you've got your seat, stay the fuck awake and stop leaning all over me' 'I don't give a fuck if you pulled an all-nighter last night, wake the fuck up and keep to your space!'. I was reminded of the rage I felt on the Camino if the guy in the bunk above me was snoring loud, I'd go nuts, say stuff like, 'I'm gonna fucking kill you, shut the fuck up! Yeah I said it out loud on that trip. This time, it's just rolling around in my head. And yeah, I did think of the Buddhist idea of watching my thoughts rather than being imprisoned by them. Guess I've got a way to go with that, when someone's ass is pressing unwanted into my side.
Eventually the road straightened out and we hit the break spot where we stop for a coffee or snack. I was real glad to get out of the van, and now here comes the kid to sit next to me, and he turns out to be a sweetheart, hip hop artist, just in country from Nepal where he was teaching English, on his way back to Chiang Mai to go to a reggae fest. We start talking about rapping and he's talking about returning to England to work on some music stuff, etc etc. Good conversation...
When the trip resumes, all is friendly, he stays awake and holds his space, and now a guy a couple of rows in front of us, yells 'Stop' to the driver. His girlfriend had just yakked all over herself, so the driver pulls over and they get out to clean off with some napkins and a bottle of water. I turn to my hip hop buddy, and say, 'OK dude, flow, whatcha got' and he launches into a little improv rap about chucking the cookies in the van, and I could see that he had some skills. Just watching his approach triggered something in me, he didn't exactly rhyme, but more used the sounds to trigger similar sounds and tell the story, 'pure creation' he called it. I got the first inkling that it would be fun to use this little vignette as a starting point for a first rap, and I made a foray into my notebook last night. It's lame, but ya gotta start somewhere right...
Wat mi wuri, bus was in a hurry
swerve on the curve til the chick got sick
Must happen daily, poor Israeli
Lost her falaffel, gotta feel awful
Yak on the back pack, get the girl a tic tac
Yes I know it sucks, but I'll get Jewish and spewish in there somehow... The point is, I think it could be a freeing way to approach writing, and I got the inspiration from a guy I wanted to annihilate thirty minutes before... Nice kid, we shared a tuk tuk (taxi) into town from the station and had a nice little connection. One more little road vignette, one more example of the mind doing it's thing and then the next thing... and the next thing...
At first, dude was reading a book 'The Grapes of Wrath', but within a few minutes he started getting a little 'green around the gills', as the sailors like to say, and he put the book down and started looking miserable. I reach into my pack and grab a plastic bag that I had there, just in case, and I let him know that it's available should it come to that. He had his head in his hands and I figured it was only a matter of time.
Pretty soon he was half asleep and leaning real hard against me, which started driving me incresingly batshit, as I'm not that big on physical contact from strangers anyway, and this kid is using me as some kind of pillow/headboard. After about fifteen minutes of clenching my teeth, I finally say, 'Dude, could you lean against the van instead of against me' He asks if we could change places and that way he could lean against the backpacks which were stacked up to our right in the back of the rig. Well it's not easy to stand up and move around during the numerous hairpin turns, but we manage to make the switch, and he immediately conks out against the luggage.
Trouble is, now his ass is up into me, and it's almost worse than before, I was getting pissed off. In my mind, I'm formulating all these speeches about, 'Look man, you've got your seat, stay the fuck awake and stop leaning all over me' 'I don't give a fuck if you pulled an all-nighter last night, wake the fuck up and keep to your space!'. I was reminded of the rage I felt on the Camino if the guy in the bunk above me was snoring loud, I'd go nuts, say stuff like, 'I'm gonna fucking kill you, shut the fuck up! Yeah I said it out loud on that trip. This time, it's just rolling around in my head. And yeah, I did think of the Buddhist idea of watching my thoughts rather than being imprisoned by them. Guess I've got a way to go with that, when someone's ass is pressing unwanted into my side.
Eventually the road straightened out and we hit the break spot where we stop for a coffee or snack. I was real glad to get out of the van, and now here comes the kid to sit next to me, and he turns out to be a sweetheart, hip hop artist, just in country from Nepal where he was teaching English, on his way back to Chiang Mai to go to a reggae fest. We start talking about rapping and he's talking about returning to England to work on some music stuff, etc etc. Good conversation...
When the trip resumes, all is friendly, he stays awake and holds his space, and now a guy a couple of rows in front of us, yells 'Stop' to the driver. His girlfriend had just yakked all over herself, so the driver pulls over and they get out to clean off with some napkins and a bottle of water. I turn to my hip hop buddy, and say, 'OK dude, flow, whatcha got' and he launches into a little improv rap about chucking the cookies in the van, and I could see that he had some skills. Just watching his approach triggered something in me, he didn't exactly rhyme, but more used the sounds to trigger similar sounds and tell the story, 'pure creation' he called it. I got the first inkling that it would be fun to use this little vignette as a starting point for a first rap, and I made a foray into my notebook last night. It's lame, but ya gotta start somewhere right...
Wat mi wuri, bus was in a hurry
swerve on the curve til the chick got sick
Must happen daily, poor Israeli
Lost her falaffel, gotta feel awful
Yak on the back pack, get the girl a tic tac
Yes I know it sucks, but I'll get Jewish and spewish in there somehow... The point is, I think it could be a freeing way to approach writing, and I got the inspiration from a guy I wanted to annihilate thirty minutes before... Nice kid, we shared a tuk tuk (taxi) into town from the station and had a nice little connection. One more little road vignette, one more example of the mind doing it's thing and then the next thing... and the next thing...
To Thine Own Self...
What if we could really be true to our nature. What a huge challenge that would be, in this ever so compromised world of friends, lovers, expectations, convention, religion, society, parents, recriminations, police, media, advertising and I could go on ad infinitum. I think of Rene DesCartes who tried (as best as I can recall from my Intro to Philosophy Class a million years ago) to eliminate all distractions and arrive at an irrefutable truth. Cogito Ergo Sum, 'I think, therefore I am'. His unquestionable truth was that he was thinking. My truth at the moment, is that I'm compromised. Hmmmm interesting word, let's look it up.
Aside from the commonly understood meaning of making concessions to reach an accord, there's also this. 'transitive verb: expose somebody or something to danger: to expose somebody or something to danger or disgrace'
Yep, that's the one.... I've got this feeling that I'm in danger of being disgraced. Both are there, danger and disgrace.
But why, Rich? You're on the 'trip of a lifetime' (allegedly), having all these experiences blah blah blah. What could be disgraceful or dangerous about living a life that you choose? Isn't that the goal after all? To thine own self be true? Haven't you referred to that Shakespearean line as the truest description of your philosophy?
Uh yes I have. The feeling of foreboding I get is when I find myself wanting to censor my thoughts before committing them to the blog. I've got a million things going on in my head that prevent me from being totally up front about my experience. If I say that I'm falling for this woman, here come the red flags. 'Don't be stupid, Rich Are you insane?' If I think about sticking around Chiang Mai to see where it goes, 'I thought you were going to travel around SE Asia, put some miles on, see a lot of cultures, share your experiences with us'. Besides, you know your history with women. (cue the 'shame music') You know how you are, you know what you do, Who do you think you're fooling?
All of the voices are in there and they start to circle the drain. 'I sink, therefore I am?'
Gee where did this headache spring up from? I feel it starting above my neck.
OK I know, I need God, or is it Jesus, or maybe Kabbala, how bout the Buddha? Maybe a clean stream of prana to cleanse and rujuvenate the spirit, rather than get into the sinkhole of swirling thoughts.
I go back to that Buddha conversation from a few days ago with the Turkish guy in Pai. His point was that it's about observing the thoughts, not willing them in a certain direction, just observing them and separating from their control. That approach is ringing true at the moment. I watch them, watch my reactions to the mind trip, then keep going inside to feel what I'm feeling, sense what I'm sensing. That's been my mantra on this camino. I literally do not know from one day to the next where I will lay my head that night. All I know is that I will check inside and take my cues from there.
Something funny just happened behind me. This young guy with a French accent just said something about Ram Dass, (spiritual teacher who popularized the phrase 'Be Here Now') which dovetails exactly with the way I'm thinking at this moment. Wow, what a coincidence. I turned around to say something, and realized he was talking about his upcoming Thai boxing match tomorrow and he said 'Roundhouse' as in roundhouse kick to a guy's head. I see God is having a laugh at my expense.... Not laughing at me, laughing with me. Good one, creator!
And now it's a new moment, brain has moved on from shame and recrimination. Moment to moment, que mas quieres? (what more do you want?) The sun is shining, I'm safe and alive. Breath in, breath out Ommmm
Aside from the commonly understood meaning of making concessions to reach an accord, there's also this. 'transitive verb: expose somebody or something to danger: to expose somebody or something to danger or disgrace'
Yep, that's the one.... I've got this feeling that I'm in danger of being disgraced. Both are there, danger and disgrace.
But why, Rich? You're on the 'trip of a lifetime' (allegedly), having all these experiences blah blah blah. What could be disgraceful or dangerous about living a life that you choose? Isn't that the goal after all? To thine own self be true? Haven't you referred to that Shakespearean line as the truest description of your philosophy?
Uh yes I have. The feeling of foreboding I get is when I find myself wanting to censor my thoughts before committing them to the blog. I've got a million things going on in my head that prevent me from being totally up front about my experience. If I say that I'm falling for this woman, here come the red flags. 'Don't be stupid, Rich Are you insane?' If I think about sticking around Chiang Mai to see where it goes, 'I thought you were going to travel around SE Asia, put some miles on, see a lot of cultures, share your experiences with us'. Besides, you know your history with women. (cue the 'shame music') You know how you are, you know what you do, Who do you think you're fooling?
All of the voices are in there and they start to circle the drain. 'I sink, therefore I am?'
Gee where did this headache spring up from? I feel it starting above my neck.
OK I know, I need God, or is it Jesus, or maybe Kabbala, how bout the Buddha? Maybe a clean stream of prana to cleanse and rujuvenate the spirit, rather than get into the sinkhole of swirling thoughts.
I go back to that Buddha conversation from a few days ago with the Turkish guy in Pai. His point was that it's about observing the thoughts, not willing them in a certain direction, just observing them and separating from their control. That approach is ringing true at the moment. I watch them, watch my reactions to the mind trip, then keep going inside to feel what I'm feeling, sense what I'm sensing. That's been my mantra on this camino. I literally do not know from one day to the next where I will lay my head that night. All I know is that I will check inside and take my cues from there.
Something funny just happened behind me. This young guy with a French accent just said something about Ram Dass, (spiritual teacher who popularized the phrase 'Be Here Now') which dovetails exactly with the way I'm thinking at this moment. Wow, what a coincidence. I turned around to say something, and realized he was talking about his upcoming Thai boxing match tomorrow and he said 'Roundhouse' as in roundhouse kick to a guy's head. I see God is having a laugh at my expense.... Not laughing at me, laughing with me. Good one, creator!
And now it's a new moment, brain has moved on from shame and recrimination. Moment to moment, que mas quieres? (what more do you want?) The sun is shining, I'm safe and alive. Breath in, breath out Ommmm
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