Found a peanut, found a peanut, found a peanut last night. Actually I didn't find a peanut, but I did find a half hour that I wasn't expecting, and that's the first thing that popped into my head when I found it. Why did I 'find' a half hour? Because I got up, showered, coffeed, and then got ready to bike over to my 8am dance class at the gym. Put on my helmet, grabbed the back pack with the dance shoes inside, unlocked my bike (I know this is all terribly interesting stuff) and started wheeling around the house to get going.
Hey wait a minute, what time is that dance class again? During the week it's at 8:30 and on Saturdays it's at 8am. Have I gotten it backwards again? Checked my cell phone and yeah, it was 7:45am and I'm a half hour early. Found a peanut, found a peanut, found a peanut last night. I suppose I could use the time to scrub out the bathtub as the reddish mildew stains are beginning to reappear. Nah, later on that, besides, I like to do that chore and then hop into the clean shower for a victory wash, and I'm already showered this morning. I could practice the piano for half an hour, keep banging away at that 'Up a Lazy River' melody that is quite challenging? Nah, I'll do that later. Maybe dig in to the blog for half an hour and see if I can rustle up something interesting, or at least put something down. Yeah, that's right, here I am.
'Here I am' is what Moses said to God at the burning bush during that revelatory sequence in the desert. In Hebrew it's 'Hineni' (here I am). Moses sees the bush burning but not being consumed by the flames, he hears a voice that says 'Moses'. Moses doesn't say, 'yo', he doesn't say, 'You talking to me?' he doesn't say, 'Who's there?' (although he does say that later on in the conversation). He does say, 'Here I am'.... and then comes the conversation that changes the course of history, in which Moses gets his marching orders (literally) and begins the return to Egypt and the freeing of his people.
I didn't hear a voice call my name this morning, but I'm saying 'Here I am' anyway. Can you do that? Yeah, why not, here I am. Amusingly, the computer had a little hiccup when I tried to write that last 'here I am' after asking (rhetorically) if it was OK to do so. So I typed it in, but the 'I am' took a few seconds to appear. Good one, God, you got me again :-) And it makes me wonder if that's what's been missing from my life lately (forever?) That connection with something greater. I tend to go inside to find the truth, as if the truth resided in one Rich Glauber and all his alleged magnificence (he said sarcastically). And yeah, the truth is in there, but it's way deeper than anything I could create on my own. The greater truth is that I can only hope to channel and tune into something of which I am only an infinitesimal part. I've definitely been guilty of trying to take credit for that which is not mine, often with unhappy results. So here this morning, in my one half hour of bonus time, I've gotten a little glimpse into that sweet humility which needs to be part of the path. In other words 'here I am' could be thought of as 'here I am, part of the much bigger story' 'here I am, open to the rest of the world'. Time to dance...
Holding pattern....
8:35 on a Sunday morning, got my usual six or so hours of sleep, woke up, did the puzzle along with a glass of iced coffee, now there's an hour or so to check in and see if there's anything of interest happening within. At 10am, I'll be at the WOW HALL (Community Center for the Performing Arts) for a two hour 'ecstatic dance' event that happens every week. It's our little movement church thing that we do in community, and a great way to spend Sunday mornings. But that's then, and this is now, or is it? I realize that I have lost a bit of the mojo for going inside and revealing (reviling?) what I find there. I could think of lots of reasons why. Maybe I don't like what I see and would rather try and forget about it. Maybe it's none of your fucking business (he said with a chuckle). Maybe I'm feeling a little frustrated with the fact that the stuff that seemed so important a few months ago (great new songs, great insights etc) are just things in the rear-view mirror that don't have a lot of staying power. Maybe the word 'maybe' is a rhetorical device that I'm using to reveal myself anyway. Ho ho ho. That made me smile.
Yesterday there were all of these public music events happening and I wasn't too interested. Face it, I'm much more concerned with my own musical pursuits (such as they are) (he said with a slight put down) than with what other people are doing. In truth, the highlight of the day was the hour I spent at the piano going through a 'show tunes' song book I got from the library. I poked through it, looking to add stuff to the repertoire (I quite often spell that word wrong, my first impulse is to write reportoire, like it's a report of some kind). Let's pause for just a second and look up the word. Thank you senor Google.
So there I am poring through the book and I picked out the following two songs to spend some time with: 'Cabaret' and 'There's No Business Like Show Business'. They're both GREAT SONGS, they deal with similar subject matter, and they use some musical tricks that keep them out of reach of non-schooled musicians. And I sat at the piano, my housemate was out at a show, so I felt free to sing both songs at the top of my lungs while working out the chord changes. I get a tremendous amount of satisfaction by getting new sounds in the old bag of tricks. It's kind of like magic. I get to sit there, practice a bit, apply my brain and body to the task and voila, here's a song that sounds great, that feels great, that lifts the spirit.
It's not a nostalgia thing, finding comfort in the familiar, at least I don't think it's that. It's more a sense of excitement about rhythm and harmony and craft, and it turns me on. It touches in to mathematics, athletics, puzzles and artistry, so I can see why it makes me as happy as it does. And then I'm singing and I'm sure that some scientific types have discovered that singing provides all sorts of benefits to the brain and body. I'm not familiar with the research, have no interest in that line of inquiry, but I know it to be true.
And this is why I get a lot of pleasure from going to the senior centers and getting the old folks singing and smiling. I have a steady twice a month gig at a place nearby where I play on the 5th floor, to folks who need quite a bit of help. They're all in wheelchairs, and there is a lot of diminished mental stuff going on as well. The piano is on the far side of the room, so I just grab the guitar and put myself in a central location and start singing along. Often times, there will be people who don't speak, but then a song will grab them and they'll start singing, like a memory that got triggered and a synapse that fired. Feels like God's work to give pleasure to folks who could really use it. I'd do it for nothing (but the $50 comes in handy, truth be told)
Other than the music, I seem to be in a holding pattern, but you know, that's OK too. I'm still trying to adhere to my 'less judgment and loathing, more gratitude and joy' mantra, and I do believe that it's working on some level. I've been relatively at peace the past couple of weeks, and even aware of some options when I start to go down the judgment highway. It's like, 'hang on there, Rich, this is what it's about, can you short circuit the familiar route and find another way?' So far, pretty good...
But maybe that taking it easy on myself is the reason for my lack of poignancy in the blog lately. Perhaps I'm giving myself an excuse to not delve more deeply into what's going on. That could be true, and if so, .... oh well.... Maybe just let it be for awhile. Yeah maybe
Yesterday there were all of these public music events happening and I wasn't too interested. Face it, I'm much more concerned with my own musical pursuits (such as they are) (he said with a slight put down) than with what other people are doing. In truth, the highlight of the day was the hour I spent at the piano going through a 'show tunes' song book I got from the library. I poked through it, looking to add stuff to the repertoire (I quite often spell that word wrong, my first impulse is to write reportoire, like it's a report of some kind). Let's pause for just a second and look up the word. Thank you senor Google.
So there I am poring through the book and I picked out the following two songs to spend some time with: 'Cabaret' and 'There's No Business Like Show Business'. They're both GREAT SONGS, they deal with similar subject matter, and they use some musical tricks that keep them out of reach of non-schooled musicians. And I sat at the piano, my housemate was out at a show, so I felt free to sing both songs at the top of my lungs while working out the chord changes. I get a tremendous amount of satisfaction by getting new sounds in the old bag of tricks. It's kind of like magic. I get to sit there, practice a bit, apply my brain and body to the task and voila, here's a song that sounds great, that feels great, that lifts the spirit.
It's not a nostalgia thing, finding comfort in the familiar, at least I don't think it's that. It's more a sense of excitement about rhythm and harmony and craft, and it turns me on. It touches in to mathematics, athletics, puzzles and artistry, so I can see why it makes me as happy as it does. And then I'm singing and I'm sure that some scientific types have discovered that singing provides all sorts of benefits to the brain and body. I'm not familiar with the research, have no interest in that line of inquiry, but I know it to be true.
And this is why I get a lot of pleasure from going to the senior centers and getting the old folks singing and smiling. I have a steady twice a month gig at a place nearby where I play on the 5th floor, to folks who need quite a bit of help. They're all in wheelchairs, and there is a lot of diminished mental stuff going on as well. The piano is on the far side of the room, so I just grab the guitar and put myself in a central location and start singing along. Often times, there will be people who don't speak, but then a song will grab them and they'll start singing, like a memory that got triggered and a synapse that fired. Feels like God's work to give pleasure to folks who could really use it. I'd do it for nothing (but the $50 comes in handy, truth be told)
Other than the music, I seem to be in a holding pattern, but you know, that's OK too. I'm still trying to adhere to my 'less judgment and loathing, more gratitude and joy' mantra, and I do believe that it's working on some level. I've been relatively at peace the past couple of weeks, and even aware of some options when I start to go down the judgment highway. It's like, 'hang on there, Rich, this is what it's about, can you short circuit the familiar route and find another way?' So far, pretty good...
But maybe that taking it easy on myself is the reason for my lack of poignancy in the blog lately. Perhaps I'm giving myself an excuse to not delve more deeply into what's going on. That could be true, and if so, .... oh well.... Maybe just let it be for awhile. Yeah maybe
Portrait of the artist as a not so young man
Sore back today, most likely the result of overdoing it in Zumba class yesterday; it's pretty high-impact and I was really going for it. Today, not so much. But do I complain? No I do not. Who would complain about too much dancing at age 57? (he asked rhetorically). I did make it to my morning dance class and could feel the fatigue, but I used it as a nice warm up, didn't push much at all, and all will be well. This would, however, be a great day for a hot tub and a massage, and though I could arrange the former, I'm too cheap for the latter. Note to self, if my next girlfriend is into massage, that would be great. Second note to self, next time I go to Thailand, take advantage of the wonderful and cheap massages which are available. It's one of my only regrets about the last trip.
Kinda liking my life this week, even though my work is very sporadic (read 'next to nothing') which is often a recipe for self-recrimination and bad feeling. Perhaps my new found mantra of 'less judgment and loathing, more gratitude and joy' is working? And yes, I managed to write that mantra without having to refer to a previous post. Maybe it's sinking in? Many people would be envious of being able to live as care-free (on the surface) a life as I seem to, but I'm guessing that they might find it challenging too. I'm reminded of a feature I saw about recently laid off financial workers who were just freaking out about not having a job to go to and lots of stuff on their plate. It was very threatening to be faced with a day in which the job didn't define them. By 11 in the morning they were beside themselves, and I found it quite interesting.
I'm working a lot on the piano these days, especially getting my left hand to play that bouncing ragtime feel that I've never done before. I have a piano gig coming up in a couple of weeks and am looking forward to sharing some of the new stuff I've been developing. I do play the piano at my old people gigs, but this one is different in that I'll be doing background music at the 'Slug Queen Ball' in the early part of the evening, so I'll get to set the mood as people arrive. I've got a nice version of 'When You Wish Upon a Star' going, and wow what a beautiful melody and lyric! I'm working on 'Birth of the Blues', 'Up a Lazy River' and one of my new ones which is called 'Song and Dance Man'. Yes it's autobiographical, the music is done and I have the lyric for the bridge.
And if your heart is breaking
The world's gone cold
And there's an aching in your soul
When all your dreams have fallen
Flat on the ground
You surely need someone
To turn it back around...
You need a song and dance man
Nobody does it like he can
Watch him whip up the grandstand
He's a song and dance man...
Here's the mini-analysis, and a window into the way my mind works when I'm composing. I like the first three lines of the bridge a lot because in line three I rhymed both lines one and two. I saw that trick in Dylan's song 'Mozambique' when he wrote:
I like to spend some time in Mozambique
The sunny sky is aqua blue
And all the couples dancing cheek to cheek
It's very nice to stay a week or two
When he writes 'week or two' that rhymes with both lines one and two and gives it a real nice feel. The sentiment in my song is totally different, but I happened upon the same little trick, not intentionally, but I recognized it when it occurred. Another little inside joke happens on the line 'turn it back around' because I threw in a nice jazzy 'turnaround' under those lyrics, a turnaround being a sequence of chords that leads you back to the beginning of the song. So there's a little double entendre between the music and the lyrics. I heard the same idea in the musical Wicked when the lead witch sang the line 'Breaking all the rules' as a big climactic moment in her song, and the composer threw in a very unusual 'rule breaking' interval for that line. I'm sure that I'm one of the only people who noticed it, but I thought it was a super compositional move. I love that kind of stuff.
I'll put in some more time later today on 'Song and Dance Man', both writing and playing. It's an uptempo jazzy thing a la 'Aint She Sweet' but it's got a 'feeling' section in the bridge... which gets turned around back into the swing. I want to capture a bit of the joie de vivre along with the slap-dash nature of making something out of nothing, which is kind of what a song and dance man can do. It's like that quote about me being a 'musical bricoleur'. This was written by a professor friend of mine who was describing my ability to just make it happen in the moment, with whatever is at hand. There's a bit of magic, a bit of recklessness, some trusting in the skills and the moment to just let it fly and see what happens. I guess I'm trying to capture that feeling in a song, and maybe there's a bit of that 'tears of a clown when there's no one around' that makes it into a verse, but I haven't figured that out yet. No, that doesn't feel quite right, but I do want to capture something of the razzamatazz, smoke and mirrors, there's no business like show business vibe as a counterpoint. So in other words, I'll have to put in some hard work and thought into capturing the 'in the moment' sensibility. And that is a little bit of irony that I'm happy to live with....
Kinda liking my life this week, even though my work is very sporadic (read 'next to nothing') which is often a recipe for self-recrimination and bad feeling. Perhaps my new found mantra of 'less judgment and loathing, more gratitude and joy' is working? And yes, I managed to write that mantra without having to refer to a previous post. Maybe it's sinking in? Many people would be envious of being able to live as care-free (on the surface) a life as I seem to, but I'm guessing that they might find it challenging too. I'm reminded of a feature I saw about recently laid off financial workers who were just freaking out about not having a job to go to and lots of stuff on their plate. It was very threatening to be faced with a day in which the job didn't define them. By 11 in the morning they were beside themselves, and I found it quite interesting.
I'm working a lot on the piano these days, especially getting my left hand to play that bouncing ragtime feel that I've never done before. I have a piano gig coming up in a couple of weeks and am looking forward to sharing some of the new stuff I've been developing. I do play the piano at my old people gigs, but this one is different in that I'll be doing background music at the 'Slug Queen Ball' in the early part of the evening, so I'll get to set the mood as people arrive. I've got a nice version of 'When You Wish Upon a Star' going, and wow what a beautiful melody and lyric! I'm working on 'Birth of the Blues', 'Up a Lazy River' and one of my new ones which is called 'Song and Dance Man'. Yes it's autobiographical, the music is done and I have the lyric for the bridge.
And if your heart is breaking
The world's gone cold
And there's an aching in your soul
When all your dreams have fallen
Flat on the ground
You surely need someone
To turn it back around...
You need a song and dance man
Nobody does it like he can
Watch him whip up the grandstand
He's a song and dance man...
Here's the mini-analysis, and a window into the way my mind works when I'm composing. I like the first three lines of the bridge a lot because in line three I rhymed both lines one and two. I saw that trick in Dylan's song 'Mozambique' when he wrote:
I like to spend some time in Mozambique
The sunny sky is aqua blue
And all the couples dancing cheek to cheek
It's very nice to stay a week or two
When he writes 'week or two' that rhymes with both lines one and two and gives it a real nice feel. The sentiment in my song is totally different, but I happened upon the same little trick, not intentionally, but I recognized it when it occurred. Another little inside joke happens on the line 'turn it back around' because I threw in a nice jazzy 'turnaround' under those lyrics, a turnaround being a sequence of chords that leads you back to the beginning of the song. So there's a little double entendre between the music and the lyrics. I heard the same idea in the musical Wicked when the lead witch sang the line 'Breaking all the rules' as a big climactic moment in her song, and the composer threw in a very unusual 'rule breaking' interval for that line. I'm sure that I'm one of the only people who noticed it, but I thought it was a super compositional move. I love that kind of stuff.
I'll put in some more time later today on 'Song and Dance Man', both writing and playing. It's an uptempo jazzy thing a la 'Aint She Sweet' but it's got a 'feeling' section in the bridge... which gets turned around back into the swing. I want to capture a bit of the joie de vivre along with the slap-dash nature of making something out of nothing, which is kind of what a song and dance man can do. It's like that quote about me being a 'musical bricoleur'. This was written by a professor friend of mine who was describing my ability to just make it happen in the moment, with whatever is at hand. There's a bit of magic, a bit of recklessness, some trusting in the skills and the moment to just let it fly and see what happens. I guess I'm trying to capture that feeling in a song, and maybe there's a bit of that 'tears of a clown when there's no one around' that makes it into a verse, but I haven't figured that out yet. No, that doesn't feel quite right, but I do want to capture something of the razzamatazz, smoke and mirrors, there's no business like show business vibe as a counterpoint. So in other words, I'll have to put in some hard work and thought into capturing the 'in the moment' sensibility. And that is a little bit of irony that I'm happy to live with....
Hard to remember....
One more time to the well
One more time to say 'what the hell'
One more chance to understand
Another chance to lend a hand
Let's see now, where were we? Away from judgment and loathing, toward gratitude and joy.... Interestingly, it's hard for me to actually remember those words. I had to refer back to the blog to see the words that made so much sense a couple of days ago, that seemed so central and true. I still believe in their worth, but I find it fascinating that I, who can remember words for decades and decades, has trouble placing this particular sentence into a retrievable folder.
I'm reminded of a period of time in which I got some over-the-phone coaching from my friend Terry who was training as a life coach and needed some people to practice on. It was kind of like free counseling and I ate it up. We would talk for maybe 45 minutes once a week, and I found it exciting and helpful to focus in like that. But I noticed that the insights would fade over the course of the week until being rekindled during the next week's conversation. It occurred to me that I wished I had some way to keep the knowledge close at hand, kind of like the Catholics would use a set of rosary beads to hold and meditate on. That thought inspired a tune which came out more or less instantaneously.
I'm gonna make a rosary of the things I should remember
Things I should remember to guide me on my way
Guide me on my way on the path that leads to the holy one
Path that leads to the holy one
Circle round the sun and the day is done yeah
Circle round the sun and the day is done
Back when I was younger I swore I would remember
Swore I would remember the miracle of life
Miracle of life, a precious gift from the holy one
Precious gift from the holy one
Circle round the sun and the day is done yeah
Circle round the sun and the day is done
When I'm with my friends and my family my heart could fill to bursting
Heart could fill to bursting when I'm dancing in their light
Dancing in their light, a reflection of the holy one
Reflection of the holy one
Circle round the sun and the day is done yeah
Circle round the sun and the day is done
I love the little children, their hearts are truly innocent
Hearts are truly innocent, their spirit's full of joy
Spirit's full of joy because they're so close to the holy one
So close to the holy one
Circle round the sun and the day is done yeah
Circle round the sun and the day is done
We're standing on the shoulders of the ones who came before us
The ones who came before us, they planted the seeds
Planted the seeds, asking blessings from the holy one
Blessings from the holy one
Circle round the sun and the day is done yeah
Circle round the sun and the day is done
-----------------------------------------------
Feeling pretty good about things, and for no good reason, which seems like a good thing. I do believe that the judgment piece has been quite the hindrance over the years, in many ways. (if I were to judge, that is). OK wise-ass take a break from the 'clever' for just a minute. I've been a hyper critical person over the years, directing the beam of analysis both inward and outward, and I'm feeling that it would be a good thing to give it a rest, be more accepting of myself and others, lighten up the critique and see what, if anything, happens as a result.
I met this young American guy in Thailand, sensational guitar player, travels around the world and records videos of himself performing songs at the Pyramids, the Eiffel Tower, the beaches of Southern Thailand etc. Great player, very self involved, ego very prominent and it all feels kind of 'young' to me. I'm not really judging now, just sensing something that I can relate to. He's been in this rage about some people criticizing him for playing covers, and he's been spewing lots of vitriol about how they're so stupid and he's gonna show them how wrong they are, meanwhile, please watch my videos.... It's a turn-off, and I imagine that over the years, people have had that same reaction to me and my own little superiority number. Fuck, I'd have that same reaction to me and some of my 'artiste' moments. So this guy is providing a good mirror.
Contrast that with people like the Dalai Lama and other wise ones. In my mind, they have the ability to non-judgmentally view the world and its inhabitants as part of a great process. I obviously can't speak for the Dalai Lama, but I have a sense that he would see people in terms of their path toward wisdom. If there are disagreements, it's possible to leave out the judgment and the passion. Just see and sense and keep the center. (and breathe)
I had an experience at the age of twenty, when I was bombing around Mexico for the first time, and I ended up in Agua Azul, a tiny pueblo in Chiapas. It was something of a gringo destination, as there was an incredible tropical river that cascaded through the forest there. It was a tiny settlement, one little store, 10 or 20 indigenous families and maybe twenty gringos camping along the river. I remember this one day when an American guy chopped down a bunch of bananas which he assumed were ripe, but were actually inedible and green. He had no business stealing food from a population that was struggling to survive on beans and tortillas and a little bit of fruit, and the fact that the bananas were now just going to go to waste only added to the wrongness of his act.
One of the elders of the village 'Don Juan' saw this unfold and rather than berate the young man, he just seemed to have a stoic understanding of the situation. He told the guy that the bananas were unripe, didn't raise his voice, said few words, and there was a look in his eye that took it all in without a lot of judgment, even though this was food for his village and some interloper had wasted it. Me, I was furious with the guy, thinking he was a moron, yet the man who was truly affected by the situation showed none of that anger. I would like to aspire to Don Juan's level of understanding and grace. Less judgment and loathing, more gratitude and joy... (and no, I still can't remember it without referring back.... This is fascinating to me, the concept is having a hard time taking root.
One more time to say 'what the hell'
One more chance to understand
Another chance to lend a hand
Let's see now, where were we? Away from judgment and loathing, toward gratitude and joy.... Interestingly, it's hard for me to actually remember those words. I had to refer back to the blog to see the words that made so much sense a couple of days ago, that seemed so central and true. I still believe in their worth, but I find it fascinating that I, who can remember words for decades and decades, has trouble placing this particular sentence into a retrievable folder.
I'm reminded of a period of time in which I got some over-the-phone coaching from my friend Terry who was training as a life coach and needed some people to practice on. It was kind of like free counseling and I ate it up. We would talk for maybe 45 minutes once a week, and I found it exciting and helpful to focus in like that. But I noticed that the insights would fade over the course of the week until being rekindled during the next week's conversation. It occurred to me that I wished I had some way to keep the knowledge close at hand, kind of like the Catholics would use a set of rosary beads to hold and meditate on. That thought inspired a tune which came out more or less instantaneously.
I'm gonna make a rosary of the things I should remember
Things I should remember to guide me on my way
Guide me on my way on the path that leads to the holy one
Path that leads to the holy one
Circle round the sun and the day is done yeah
Circle round the sun and the day is done
Back when I was younger I swore I would remember
Swore I would remember the miracle of life
Miracle of life, a precious gift from the holy one
Precious gift from the holy one
Circle round the sun and the day is done yeah
Circle round the sun and the day is done
When I'm with my friends and my family my heart could fill to bursting
Heart could fill to bursting when I'm dancing in their light
Dancing in their light, a reflection of the holy one
Reflection of the holy one
Circle round the sun and the day is done yeah
Circle round the sun and the day is done
I love the little children, their hearts are truly innocent
Hearts are truly innocent, their spirit's full of joy
Spirit's full of joy because they're so close to the holy one
So close to the holy one
Circle round the sun and the day is done yeah
Circle round the sun and the day is done
We're standing on the shoulders of the ones who came before us
The ones who came before us, they planted the seeds
Planted the seeds, asking blessings from the holy one
Blessings from the holy one
Circle round the sun and the day is done yeah
Circle round the sun and the day is done
-----------------------------------------------
Feeling pretty good about things, and for no good reason, which seems like a good thing. I do believe that the judgment piece has been quite the hindrance over the years, in many ways. (if I were to judge, that is). OK wise-ass take a break from the 'clever' for just a minute. I've been a hyper critical person over the years, directing the beam of analysis both inward and outward, and I'm feeling that it would be a good thing to give it a rest, be more accepting of myself and others, lighten up the critique and see what, if anything, happens as a result.
I met this young American guy in Thailand, sensational guitar player, travels around the world and records videos of himself performing songs at the Pyramids, the Eiffel Tower, the beaches of Southern Thailand etc. Great player, very self involved, ego very prominent and it all feels kind of 'young' to me. I'm not really judging now, just sensing something that I can relate to. He's been in this rage about some people criticizing him for playing covers, and he's been spewing lots of vitriol about how they're so stupid and he's gonna show them how wrong they are, meanwhile, please watch my videos.... It's a turn-off, and I imagine that over the years, people have had that same reaction to me and my own little superiority number. Fuck, I'd have that same reaction to me and some of my 'artiste' moments. So this guy is providing a good mirror.
Contrast that with people like the Dalai Lama and other wise ones. In my mind, they have the ability to non-judgmentally view the world and its inhabitants as part of a great process. I obviously can't speak for the Dalai Lama, but I have a sense that he would see people in terms of their path toward wisdom. If there are disagreements, it's possible to leave out the judgment and the passion. Just see and sense and keep the center. (and breathe)
I had an experience at the age of twenty, when I was bombing around Mexico for the first time, and I ended up in Agua Azul, a tiny pueblo in Chiapas. It was something of a gringo destination, as there was an incredible tropical river that cascaded through the forest there. It was a tiny settlement, one little store, 10 or 20 indigenous families and maybe twenty gringos camping along the river. I remember this one day when an American guy chopped down a bunch of bananas which he assumed were ripe, but were actually inedible and green. He had no business stealing food from a population that was struggling to survive on beans and tortillas and a little bit of fruit, and the fact that the bananas were now just going to go to waste only added to the wrongness of his act.
One of the elders of the village 'Don Juan' saw this unfold and rather than berate the young man, he just seemed to have a stoic understanding of the situation. He told the guy that the bananas were unripe, didn't raise his voice, said few words, and there was a look in his eye that took it all in without a lot of judgment, even though this was food for his village and some interloper had wasted it. Me, I was furious with the guy, thinking he was a moron, yet the man who was truly affected by the situation showed none of that anger. I would like to aspire to Don Juan's level of understanding and grace. Less judgment and loathing, more gratitude and joy... (and no, I still can't remember it without referring back.... This is fascinating to me, the concept is having a hard time taking root.
Cheep cheep cheep
I'm being frugal these days, trying to keep a close eye on my expenditures, as I'm still oriented to the idea of taking off for SE Asia in November. Well, I suppose I could be more frugal, turn off the land line, but that's the one that's out there in the world as far as getting me gigs, so I think I need to bite the bullet there. But as far as going out for dinners or spending money on entertainment, I'm playing it tight to the vest.
How then is it possible for me to have seen two great, and big ticket shows within the last ten days? Last week I saw the touring production of Wicked, which was fantastic. And last night I saw Johnny Clegg and his band at the Shedd Auditorium in downtown Eugene, another wonderful show. Total face value of the tickets was $120, and I paid a total of $20.
I was downtown picking up my mail at the Post Office when I saw a big crowd heading into the Hult Center. I asked what was going on, and found out that there was a matinee of Wicked starting in about half an hour. My immediate thought was that I could find a way to sneak in. I rarely think in those terms, but that was my first reaction when I saw all these groups of seniors and high school kids showing up en masse. I went into the lobby to survey the scene, hung out near 'will call' and even went up to a guy I kinda know who was working the booth to ask if there were any freebies. No luck there, but I did find someone who was leading a seniors group outing, and he was trying to unload a couple of unused tickets for half price ($35). A friend of mine actually bought one of the tickets but I held out and kept looking around.
Just before the show was to begin and the last stragglers were making their way into the theater, I offered the guy $20 for the seat. The thing is, I had no attachment to going, so there was no need to have a back and forth negotiation. It was more a case of 'do you want $20 for the seat?'. He took it and I made my way down to a great seat in the 10th row on the aisle, dressed in my workout clothes, but who cares, it's Eugene. Fantastic show, I had no idea that it was so good, and it was all the more sweet for having found a cheap way into a great seat.
Last night I called my friends Rob and Janice to say hey, and Janice mentioned that they were going to the Johnny Clegg show downtown. He's a great South African musician whom I had seen back in the 80s. Clegg is a white guitarist and songwriter about my age, who has always played in integrated bands, very progressive and a big star around the world. Not so much these days, but he's still got it, and what the heck, maybe I could find a way in. (This is my new theme apparently). I went down to the theater, looked around, saw one guy whose wife couldn't make it and he was trying to get $35 for the second row ticket. I said, no thanks, good luck. (I figured I'd do the last minute $20 offer if nothing else came along.
The crowd was definitely my peer group and it was good to see us out and about, rather than home on the couch, say. Some woman who I know very peripherally found out that I was without a ticket, and she mentioned that while she was picking hers up at will call, someone handed in two tickets, saying 'give them to the next person who shows up looking for a ticket'. I made a dash to the booth, quietly said that I had heard there were a couple of free ones that had just been donated, and asked if I could have one. The woman handed me a ticket, and I got the feeling that she likely wouldn't have given it away unless someone knew it was there. I could see someone showing up to buy a ticket and she'd have been happy to take the money. Can't blame her, but I was in the right place at the right time, so I got to see and dance to a great show for free. Hmmmm I wonder what's playing tonight? (he said mischievously).
Am I proud of being a cheapskate? Not exactly, but maybe a little bit. It's just a new little wrinkle that I haven't experienced before, the idea of just showing up and seeing if there is a way in. cheep cheep cheep
How then is it possible for me to have seen two great, and big ticket shows within the last ten days? Last week I saw the touring production of Wicked, which was fantastic. And last night I saw Johnny Clegg and his band at the Shedd Auditorium in downtown Eugene, another wonderful show. Total face value of the tickets was $120, and I paid a total of $20.
I was downtown picking up my mail at the Post Office when I saw a big crowd heading into the Hult Center. I asked what was going on, and found out that there was a matinee of Wicked starting in about half an hour. My immediate thought was that I could find a way to sneak in. I rarely think in those terms, but that was my first reaction when I saw all these groups of seniors and high school kids showing up en masse. I went into the lobby to survey the scene, hung out near 'will call' and even went up to a guy I kinda know who was working the booth to ask if there were any freebies. No luck there, but I did find someone who was leading a seniors group outing, and he was trying to unload a couple of unused tickets for half price ($35). A friend of mine actually bought one of the tickets but I held out and kept looking around.
Just before the show was to begin and the last stragglers were making their way into the theater, I offered the guy $20 for the seat. The thing is, I had no attachment to going, so there was no need to have a back and forth negotiation. It was more a case of 'do you want $20 for the seat?'. He took it and I made my way down to a great seat in the 10th row on the aisle, dressed in my workout clothes, but who cares, it's Eugene. Fantastic show, I had no idea that it was so good, and it was all the more sweet for having found a cheap way into a great seat.
Last night I called my friends Rob and Janice to say hey, and Janice mentioned that they were going to the Johnny Clegg show downtown. He's a great South African musician whom I had seen back in the 80s. Clegg is a white guitarist and songwriter about my age, who has always played in integrated bands, very progressive and a big star around the world. Not so much these days, but he's still got it, and what the heck, maybe I could find a way in. (This is my new theme apparently). I went down to the theater, looked around, saw one guy whose wife couldn't make it and he was trying to get $35 for the second row ticket. I said, no thanks, good luck. (I figured I'd do the last minute $20 offer if nothing else came along.
The crowd was definitely my peer group and it was good to see us out and about, rather than home on the couch, say. Some woman who I know very peripherally found out that I was without a ticket, and she mentioned that while she was picking hers up at will call, someone handed in two tickets, saying 'give them to the next person who shows up looking for a ticket'. I made a dash to the booth, quietly said that I had heard there were a couple of free ones that had just been donated, and asked if I could have one. The woman handed me a ticket, and I got the feeling that she likely wouldn't have given it away unless someone knew it was there. I could see someone showing up to buy a ticket and she'd have been happy to take the money. Can't blame her, but I was in the right place at the right time, so I got to see and dance to a great show for free. Hmmmm I wonder what's playing tonight? (he said mischievously).
Am I proud of being a cheapskate? Not exactly, but maybe a little bit. It's just a new little wrinkle that I haven't experienced before, the idea of just showing up and seeing if there is a way in. cheep cheep cheep
In the Bubble
Living in the bubble, but for how long? This has been my calculus for as long as I can remember, and for good or for ill, it has shaped the way I approached my life. Here's what I mean by the bubble... and maybe to get at it, I'll approach it from the opposite end. See those folks in northern Japan... no bubble. See those folks in Tuscaloosa whose place got demolished by the most intense tornadoes anyone has ever seen.... no bubble. See those folks in Iraq, Afghanistan, Chechniya, Somalia, Yemen, Mexico, Myanmar, Cambodia or those homeless folks on so many street corners etc.... no bubble.
The bubble means you can turn the tap and get clean water. You can go to the store and there are mountains of food for those with the money to buy. You can hop in the car, fill 'er up and be on your way. No armed thugs are trying to bust through the window, no machete waving warriors are on a killing spree in the neighborhood. It looks like it will last forever.... or does it? I've never assumed that I get to live out my days inside the bubble; it always felt more tenuous than that. I've always felt that these are the good old days.
And I've somehow managed to use the fragility of the bubble as an excuse to not immerse myself fully in the process of life. Why bother to dig in and prepare for the future when no future is assured, or even likely? Why plant seeds when the likelihood is that I won't be around to harvest the fruit? It's a self-perpetuating lack of self perpetuation, and I do believe that it has run out of its ability to be useful, because it makes my a cynical person who is somehow rooting for destruction and mayhem to justify my choices (or lack thereof). And who in their right mind would root for that? (one wonders)
It feels too late to change course at this point (what with the world ending and all), (he said self-mockingly), as I've got too many decades into this approach to reinvent myself totally. And there is some sense I have that I DO want some kind of justification for how I've conducted myself all these years. So rather than think about reinventing myself totally, I wonder if there is some kind of refinement that I might undertake, in the hopes of finding more joy and less self-loathing, because one of the perils of not buying in to the societal hand book is feeling like that ship has sailed and I didn't get on board. Even though I supposedly rejected the play book, I bought in on some level, bought in enough to hate myself for not living up to the thing I didn't buy into. Lots of negatives there, and yeah, I've experienced a lot of self-punishing for my choices.
So I'd like to find a way to reorient myself, or rather reprogram myself in the direction of acceptance. I was thinking about this yesterday as I was driving over the pass toward Bend, where I have some gigs later today. (It's 3:40 in the morning, and I woke up, so let's write a bit before going back to sleep). I have tended to devalue myself lately, even my successes, let alone my failures, and I wonder if it's just something that I do instinctively. If I were to be totally self-critical, (which isn't that hard for me)... hey I'm 'successful' at self criticism (he said pathetically), I tend to view my triumphs as somehow undeserved. 'Well, he's skating by on his charm and talent.' Within that statement is, of course, the unstated implication that 'but he could do so much more' or 'talent without discipline is such a waste' or 'he has really squandered the gift'
That mindset certainly sucks the life out of the room, and I've been guilty of it way too much over the years. So here I am at 57, pushing 58 years old, in pretty good health, )one hopes), still a lot of vibrancy in my body, still dancing and able to move, still able to light up a room when I make music, but with a heavy heart and a burden to bear. I wonder if I could transcend my 'judgment' cloud and find a way into a more sunlit, peaceful place. And it brings up what to me is one of the basic questions of human existence. Can we actually change ourselves inside the journey? Can I understand myself enough to know how to fix what needs fixing and then take the steps in that direction? And the direction I'd like to take it is toward gratitude and joy, away from judgment and loathing.
Away from judgment and loathing, toward gratitude and joy.
I think I need some help on the journey, it's a rough one to make on my own, especially if I'm weighing myself down. So the first ally that I'd like to enlist is myself. It's time to line up and head in the same direction that is indicated by the map. Away from judgment and loathing, toward gratitude and joy.
And I ask God to help me find the clarity and serenity to keep on the path... away from judgment and loathing, toward gratitude and joy.
And I will ask my friends, the ones I have and the ones I will have, to join me on that journey ... into gratitude and joy.
You'd think that I'd ask my family at some point for help too, but that thought doesn't flow naturally yet, seems loaded and fraught, too much unresolved stuff and maybe that's a different post, somewhere down the road. Let's table that one for now, or maybe let's not. Why be afraid of what's in there? I guess that rather than ask for help from my family, I'd prefer to offer help and service... away from judgment and loathing, into gratitude and joy.
I just skimmed what I had written so far and my first reaction was to find it self-indulgent and shallow, which is an object lesson in itself, as well as an indicator that it won't be so easy to turn off the judgment and aim for the gratitude. In other words I got judgmental about trying to turn off the judgment. Oy! (he said Jewishly) But there is something reassuring in that irony, because even through all of the self-criticism, there is some kind of awareness that is greater than all of the mind games. I see it, I get it, I'm amused by it and I hope to use it. And I hope to use it on the journey from judgment to gratitude. Or to put it in New York terms.... 'Hey judgment, Go Fuck Yourself!
And with that statement, I experienced my first real 'ding' of excitement or clarity. (at 4:30am). I don't quite 'get it' yet, but there is something that is very right about telling judgment to go fuck himself. It's likely a good use for that critical attribute that I certainly possess and have tended to aim at myself, with mostly unhappy results. How bout I send that beam of criticism toward itself... could that make it disappear? (or at least leave me the fuck alone?) (he said, New Yorkily). I do believe that there is something of value in that equation, indeed I do.
Yep, there's clean water in the tap, there's gas in the car and food in the refrigerator. And I'm grateful for those things. But there's a bigger gratitude that I'm after, and it's gratitude for this life and this bubble that allows me to ponder and practice and make a joyful noise. (which I will do in about 5 hours time). Better get some more sleep now.... Over and out...
The bubble means you can turn the tap and get clean water. You can go to the store and there are mountains of food for those with the money to buy. You can hop in the car, fill 'er up and be on your way. No armed thugs are trying to bust through the window, no machete waving warriors are on a killing spree in the neighborhood. It looks like it will last forever.... or does it? I've never assumed that I get to live out my days inside the bubble; it always felt more tenuous than that. I've always felt that these are the good old days.
And I've somehow managed to use the fragility of the bubble as an excuse to not immerse myself fully in the process of life. Why bother to dig in and prepare for the future when no future is assured, or even likely? Why plant seeds when the likelihood is that I won't be around to harvest the fruit? It's a self-perpetuating lack of self perpetuation, and I do believe that it has run out of its ability to be useful, because it makes my a cynical person who is somehow rooting for destruction and mayhem to justify my choices (or lack thereof). And who in their right mind would root for that? (one wonders)
It feels too late to change course at this point (what with the world ending and all), (he said self-mockingly), as I've got too many decades into this approach to reinvent myself totally. And there is some sense I have that I DO want some kind of justification for how I've conducted myself all these years. So rather than think about reinventing myself totally, I wonder if there is some kind of refinement that I might undertake, in the hopes of finding more joy and less self-loathing, because one of the perils of not buying in to the societal hand book is feeling like that ship has sailed and I didn't get on board. Even though I supposedly rejected the play book, I bought in on some level, bought in enough to hate myself for not living up to the thing I didn't buy into. Lots of negatives there, and yeah, I've experienced a lot of self-punishing for my choices.
So I'd like to find a way to reorient myself, or rather reprogram myself in the direction of acceptance. I was thinking about this yesterday as I was driving over the pass toward Bend, where I have some gigs later today. (It's 3:40 in the morning, and I woke up, so let's write a bit before going back to sleep). I have tended to devalue myself lately, even my successes, let alone my failures, and I wonder if it's just something that I do instinctively. If I were to be totally self-critical, (which isn't that hard for me)... hey I'm 'successful' at self criticism (he said pathetically), I tend to view my triumphs as somehow undeserved. 'Well, he's skating by on his charm and talent.' Within that statement is, of course, the unstated implication that 'but he could do so much more' or 'talent without discipline is such a waste' or 'he has really squandered the gift'
That mindset certainly sucks the life out of the room, and I've been guilty of it way too much over the years. So here I am at 57, pushing 58 years old, in pretty good health, )one hopes), still a lot of vibrancy in my body, still dancing and able to move, still able to light up a room when I make music, but with a heavy heart and a burden to bear. I wonder if I could transcend my 'judgment' cloud and find a way into a more sunlit, peaceful place. And it brings up what to me is one of the basic questions of human existence. Can we actually change ourselves inside the journey? Can I understand myself enough to know how to fix what needs fixing and then take the steps in that direction? And the direction I'd like to take it is toward gratitude and joy, away from judgment and loathing.
Away from judgment and loathing, toward gratitude and joy.
I think I need some help on the journey, it's a rough one to make on my own, especially if I'm weighing myself down. So the first ally that I'd like to enlist is myself. It's time to line up and head in the same direction that is indicated by the map. Away from judgment and loathing, toward gratitude and joy.
And I ask God to help me find the clarity and serenity to keep on the path... away from judgment and loathing, toward gratitude and joy.
And I will ask my friends, the ones I have and the ones I will have, to join me on that journey ... into gratitude and joy.
You'd think that I'd ask my family at some point for help too, but that thought doesn't flow naturally yet, seems loaded and fraught, too much unresolved stuff and maybe that's a different post, somewhere down the road. Let's table that one for now, or maybe let's not. Why be afraid of what's in there? I guess that rather than ask for help from my family, I'd prefer to offer help and service... away from judgment and loathing, into gratitude and joy.
I just skimmed what I had written so far and my first reaction was to find it self-indulgent and shallow, which is an object lesson in itself, as well as an indicator that it won't be so easy to turn off the judgment and aim for the gratitude. In other words I got judgmental about trying to turn off the judgment. Oy! (he said Jewishly) But there is something reassuring in that irony, because even through all of the self-criticism, there is some kind of awareness that is greater than all of the mind games. I see it, I get it, I'm amused by it and I hope to use it. And I hope to use it on the journey from judgment to gratitude. Or to put it in New York terms.... 'Hey judgment, Go Fuck Yourself!
And with that statement, I experienced my first real 'ding' of excitement or clarity. (at 4:30am). I don't quite 'get it' yet, but there is something that is very right about telling judgment to go fuck himself. It's likely a good use for that critical attribute that I certainly possess and have tended to aim at myself, with mostly unhappy results. How bout I send that beam of criticism toward itself... could that make it disappear? (or at least leave me the fuck alone?) (he said, New Yorkily). I do believe that there is something of value in that equation, indeed I do.
Yep, there's clean water in the tap, there's gas in the car and food in the refrigerator. And I'm grateful for those things. But there's a bigger gratitude that I'm after, and it's gratitude for this life and this bubble that allows me to ponder and practice and make a joyful noise. (which I will do in about 5 hours time). Better get some more sleep now.... Over and out...
I Need a Song....
It's 7:48 in the morning on a cloudy Wednesday, and at 10:30, I'll be teaching a music class for a bunch of 5 year old children. Their teacher, Shawna is starting to prepare for a Graduation Ceremony which is about 6 weeks away, and she asked if I knew a good song about 'family' which the kids might sing at the event. She told me that she'd check out some of her sources, folk music books etc to try and find something. Me, I hear the request and my first thought is to try and craft something for the event. So let's try. I've never blogged a song-writing session before; usually I'll grab a guitar and see what I can come up with, but I'm going to try and do it from the computer (with a guitar nearby). Hopefully I won't get 'blogged down' in the process.
So how do you write a song? I think in terms of the hook, in this case a simple chorus which the kids could strongly sing, using their best voices. It would be one that would make the parents get tears in their eyes. Often my 'go to' move is a 1V V 1 progression, that has that feeling of roundness and repetition, so I'll start there (again). The key of C is the perfect key for kids usually, so I'll start there too. Pause, grab the guitar, start playing in C.
It's you (it's you) and me (and me)
Living in our family
Nowhere else I'd rather be
Than right here by your side
With you (with you) and me (and me)
Living life so happily
Pause, shower, thoughts, yes I'm aware of the irony of a lonely, disconnected man trying to write songs about the joys of being in a family. It's totally absurd, yet I persist, probably like the guys who wrote those love songs or made those movies which painted lovely pictures of familial warmth and contentment, while the authors were banging the secretary or trying not to get too drunk before noon.... but I digress....
Now where was I? It's kind of tricky to write a song about 'family' in 2011, because it doesn't feel right to paint a totally rosy picture about 'living life so easily' or 'mom and dad' because it just doesn't ring true anymore. So there's a bit of finesse involved. I guess it's a balancing act in which I have to idealize it a little bit, but not too much. That feels like the right approach. I don't want to be too 'noir' with it. 'Daddy got laid off, mom is running up the credit card again, the case worker thinks I'm going to get placed in a foster home' (although that does sound like a fun tune to write... dark lyrics over top of a cheerful sounding kids song) but I tri-gress...
It's you (it's you) and me (and me)
Living in our family
Nowhere else I'd rather be
Than right here by your side
With you (with you) and me (and me)
It's as simple as ABC
Oh how happy we can be
Living in our family
9:19am It's done, It's going to work and now it's in my heart... happy....
So how do you write a song? I think in terms of the hook, in this case a simple chorus which the kids could strongly sing, using their best voices. It would be one that would make the parents get tears in their eyes. Often my 'go to' move is a 1V V 1 progression, that has that feeling of roundness and repetition, so I'll start there (again). The key of C is the perfect key for kids usually, so I'll start there too. Pause, grab the guitar, start playing in C.
It's you (it's you) and me (and me)
Living in our family
Nowhere else I'd rather be
Than right here by your side
With you (with you) and me (and me)
Living life so happily
Pause, shower, thoughts, yes I'm aware of the irony of a lonely, disconnected man trying to write songs about the joys of being in a family. It's totally absurd, yet I persist, probably like the guys who wrote those love songs or made those movies which painted lovely pictures of familial warmth and contentment, while the authors were banging the secretary or trying not to get too drunk before noon.... but I digress....
Now where was I? It's kind of tricky to write a song about 'family' in 2011, because it doesn't feel right to paint a totally rosy picture about 'living life so easily' or 'mom and dad' because it just doesn't ring true anymore. So there's a bit of finesse involved. I guess it's a balancing act in which I have to idealize it a little bit, but not too much. That feels like the right approach. I don't want to be too 'noir' with it. 'Daddy got laid off, mom is running up the credit card again, the case worker thinks I'm going to get placed in a foster home' (although that does sound like a fun tune to write... dark lyrics over top of a cheerful sounding kids song) but I tri-gress...
It's you (it's you) and me (and me)
Living in our family
Nowhere else I'd rather be
Than right here by your side
With you (with you) and me (and me)
It's as simple as ABC
Oh how happy we can be
Living in our family
9:19am It's done, It's going to work and now it's in my heart... happy....
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