I got the feedback from three different individuals (within a one hour period) that they felt some rejection from me. They were all women, which may or may not be relevant. Perhaps I'll have more to say about that as the thoughts proceed, it's too early to know at this moment.
When one person gives me feedback, 'hey that's interesting'; when two give it, 'wow, how about that?'; when three give it within an hour, 'hmmm, I think I know what I need to write about and find out about'. So my goal is to try and understand this part of me that is a rejector. I wish that I could be specific about the scenes, but concerns for other people's privacy likely outweigh my own desire to just let it rip. So I feel unable to simply describe the scenes and glean whatever truths I can uncover. Guess I need a new tack.
It's certainly connected to that strong 'judgment' streak which is so enmeshed in my personality. I make determinations all the time, this person is attractive, this person is needy, this person talks too much, this person has issues, this one makes me uncomfortable, this one has no talent.... and the more I write this stuff, the less I like myself. There's a quality of nastiness that comes through and it's not attractive. So I will suspend my 'less judgment and loathing, more gratitude and joy' for the moment and lay some judgment on myself. 'Dude, why are you so critical? Do you want to drive everybody away until there's no one left, and then there will be nothing else to do but jump off a bridge because you're so alone?' I guess that would be the final rejection, the coup de grace. On some level that's what I'm doing.... not driving everybody away, but driving some away certainly. But is it a bad thing? I genuinely do not know. Let's try and make the case for both sides...
I mean, it sounds nice to have lots of friends, lots of people calling me up, inviting me to parties and events. I feel envious when I see all the allegedly connected people on Facebook, living their connected lives, in their connected relationships, with their connected kids and their connected friends, while I search the inbox in vain, hoping that someone will get in touch with me. I definitely don't measure up to the way their lives are 'seeming' to play out. It seems silly to bemoan my fate, and I'm actually not doing that, just trying to access the feelings which correspond to different parts of my life. I do get lonely and I do feel sad and disconnected, especially when I imagine that others are living more fulfilled lives than me. And then I'll find ways to mask that feeling, often by zoning out in one way or another, TV, drugs, pornography, food etc.
I'm not really judging myself that harshly, it just is what it is, and it seems like a good idea to try and accept that this is where I am at present, rather than judge myself negatively about it. Because then I can get to the dreaded 'double fucked' state in which things are rough and then I judge myself for having things be rough, which multiplies the grief exponentially, the dreaded 'double fuck'. Don't want to go there... Don't have to go there...
But there is obviously some reason why I separate myself from people and carve out a 'safe zone'. It must meet some needs which I have for quiet, peace and yeah, safety. There's that expression 'he doesn't suffer fools gladly'. I looked it up (Thank you senor Google) and found that it comes from the book of Paul, speaking to the Corinthians. Usually that expression, 'he doesn't suffer fools gladly' would be ascribed to someone who has no patience with either dumb or overbearing people, and he finds a way to either ridicule or avoid them. (I just spelled the word 'dumb' as 'dum' which is pretty funny, given the fact that I think of myself as such a bright light. Good one, God. Reminds me of when I saw a sign at a little restaurant in some hick town which said, 'Gormay Food' Uh yeah, right...
Thing is, the people I reject aren't fools. Quite the contrary, so the expression doesn't entirely fit. I suppose there is some judgment involved, some criticism of something about the person, but more important than that is the sense of self-protection that seems to be at work in my carving out space. So it's not simply a case of 'you are judged, get away from me'. It's more like, 'you are judged, you are a threat, now get away from me'. So I guess I need to dig into the idea of what threatens me. But I'll have to do that in a subsequent installment as my time is up for this session because I have a rehearsal in a few minutes and I need to shower and prepare. To be continued.
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