Free association time, got nothing in mind except everything. It's a busy Saturday at the daily internet stop with young kids manning the majority of the consoles, traffic whizzing by ouside, music on the stereo, in short, it's gonna be tough to concentrate until I get some headphones on, so I just put in the request. This place is kinda 'ghetto' in that respect, not all the stations have phones, some of the phones don't work, there is a certain amount of juggling that they do to keep me hooked up, and whatever, even if I don't get some phones today, I can still concentrate, right? Uh, what was I just saying? (he wondered, as the ADD kicked in)
One thing I've noticed lately is that a lot of people think I live here. I suppose I project a quality of being a long timer, what with regular gigs, a few students, bunch of friends, regular routine. It seems like every day, people are asking me if I live here, and my response is 'not yet, but I want to'. Not that I'm doing anything concrete about it, but the feeling is strong that this is home, or at least a place I want to know much more about. Can you blame me? I can't. What with my belief in the imminent big changes, the cheap living, the fact that I feel much healthier here than in the US, the ample opportunities for connection with attractive women, uh I could go on, OK why not? the food, the weather (at least at this time of year), the characters to interact with, the beauty of the countryside (not that I've been out in it for the past month), the lack of US televised bullshit reality that sucks me in when I'm there, the creativity that seems to course through me in this environment.... Uh, it's a no-brainer. I don't know how I could make it economically over the long term... no great pension in my future hah, but then again, is there a long term? I'm not an alarmist, the-world-is-ending sort of person; I prefer to phrase it like this: 'if there's something you've been wanting to do in your life, this would be a good time to do it'.
Interesting gig last night at the bar. I played with my little trio, did the usual mix of some standards, some originals, some Baby Boomer stuff, some jazz and rockin stuff, and folks were into it. But it's not like they're staring at the bandstand and listening intently. It's not that kind of place. Like the sign says, "CU Corner A place for music and conversation". So whereas the diva in me would like everyone to hear all the clever rhymes, chord changes, sweet guitar solos from my man Scott, it's just not like that. There is applause after each number, feels kinda pro forma at times. I quipped 'how do you say 'desultory' in Thai?, but that's just me being a wiseguy. Some people are paying attention and laughing at the right times, others are just talking with their friends, using the music as background noise. It's just the way Jeff likes it.
And Jeff, who is usually very spare in his compliments, has been very pleased with what we're putting out there. People stick around, they're tapping their feet, they're moving their fingers to the music, they're smiling (and they're drinking), so he is happy about the music. We do a great mix, no one else is doing any Gershwin tunes, swing stuff, so he likes that aspect as well. He says that people have been saying good things about it, and that is pleasing to know, partly because the actual experience of playing is good, not great, since there is background chatter, limited focus etc. I'm just recalibrating my expectations of what makes a good gig in the space. less diva, more internal pleasure from putting it out there into the universe... it's working...
Let's see... New Year's Eve... what does that bring up? For some reason I want to travel back to when I was 20 years old, on a break from my second (and final) year at Alfred University, and I headed off on a road trip to Florida. On December 31, somehow or other I was hitchhiking in south Florida and I got a ride from some guy who was heading to a Woody Allen stand up comedy show at some hotel in Miami Beach. We're riding into town and he starts talking about how he hasn't had any sex the whole year... while he's looking at me with that look... I say, 'well hey, good luck next year, cause it ain't happening with me'. He was whining a bit, so finally I relented and gave him a 'reach around'. That's a joke people, just seeing if you're paying attention. There were no reach arounds, though I do like the term :-) Anyhow, where was I? OK I clearly disabused him of any notion that I was gonna be his slump buster for 1973, but somehow, I ended up seeing that show. I know I didn't pay for it, I think I snuck in, can't remember exactly, but I got to see Woody Allen's stand-up routine in a ballroom of some big hotel on New Year's eve. He's dressed in a pair of jeans and a shirt, totally casual, and pretty funny. I can remember two of his lines from that appearance. 'My rabbi was reformed... No I mean he was REALLY REFORMED... He was a Nazi'. And then he's bantering with the crowd a bit and is talking to an older woman.'How old are you, darling?' She says 82. 'You don't look a day over 81' (I've used that bit hundreds of times since I heard it that first time). Worst one ever? When I was playing a gig at a senior center in Eugene, and someone said, 'Do you see her? She's 103'. I tried to restrain myself, but couldn't. 'You don't look a day over 102', I said. (she didn't think it was particularly funny) First time I've ever used that bit in three digits. Woody ended his show by saying, 'OK, I'm going to go have a corned beef sandwich now, good night'
I've been reading 'The Lotus Eaters' a great book about a war photographer (female) during the Vietnam War. Next up is a book called 'Thailand Fever' which is about relationships between Farang men and Thai women. it's written in both languages and is meant as some kind of handbook to clear up some of the cultural misunderstandings that often come up due to different perceptions of what love is. I'm ready to read up on that, as it's obvious that there are a lot of differing understandings going on here between cultures. My student/friend Diamond Dave lent me the book, and he also shared this sentiment. 'relationships are interchangeable here, it's not like in the west'. That is a topic that is very intriguing and loaded with thoughts, and as I read the book and continue to explore, I know that I'll have a lot to say about it. Meanwhile, I got a foot massage yesterday, and the woman who did it was 30, gorgeous, recently broken up from her American boyfriend, and checking me out thoroughly. I'm the perfect age for her, she said. 'Why, because I'm gonna die soon? I countered. No, you're perfect. This kind of interaction is available all around, and though I haven't availed myself of those opportunities, it is certainly something to think about... 'interchangeable relationships'. hmmmm It totally flies in the face of how we're molded in the US, so I would expect my reader, er readers to be offended or uncomfortable. Me, I'm intrigued, as the romantic love ideal, certainly hasn't worked in my life. I could 'embrace' a different concept... or at least find out about it. Safely, of course...
Not sure what I'll do tonight. Be outdoors, the moon has been gorgeous, the crescent of the waxing moon has a different angle than in the US. Here it's on the bottom of the orb, looks like a big smile up in the sky. Feels like it too.
The Race is On....
Kinda fixated on that song for the past few days, ever since I was writing about the 'horserace' between my head and my er, other head, and I went on Youtube and heard the George Jones version. I had that instantaneous desire to cover the song, so I copied down the lyrics and have spent the past three days singing it over and over again... Last night was Thursday at the CU when Dominic and the oldtimers sit around the table and sing folk and bluegrass stuff, and for the first time, I sat in on bass. They dug it, it added that bottom end. They would go around the table and take turns picking the next tune. I passed the first few times around, wanting to concentrate on the bass, but then got the idea to intro this song into the mix, so I swapped the bass for Tim's guitar and off we went. I had to pull out my lyric sheet to make sure I could keep up, and it came off GREAT. Dominic says, 'what's the name of that song? It's my new favorite song'. I have to agree with him there. I just love that tune right now...
I've been thinking about how much I love where I've been staying in Chiang Mai. I'm on a little street (soi) just outside the old city, and right across the way from my Guest House is a big highschool, which means that there are lots of teenagers coming and going on foot and on scooters. All of the kids are in uniform, and every morning just before 8, I hear the school song pumped over the loudspeaker as the kids gether for the opening address. Then there are some words from an adult, followed by the National Anthem. It comes in loud and clear, and now I know the tune. On the corner, 5 or 6 vendors are set up in movable carts to take advantage of the number of kids. Students can stop by for chilled fruit in plastic bags, skewers of meat, little deep fried snacks with a little hot dog slice inside an oily shell (strangely delicious and not 'heart healthy') and other such fast food. Around the corner is a large day care/primary school where children from 3 to 7 spend their day. Since it would be impossible for parents to park and walk the kids in themselves, (no spaces), a group of teachers is stationed at the entrance and they open the car door, help the children out, greet them and walk them inside, almost like a valet service. It's kind of adorable to see the kids arrive to a wonderful welcome like this. Occassionaly I'll be walking by as all of the kids are on the playground singing their morning song, and the sound is piercing, that high pitched nasal kid sound, unselfconscious, loud and like I say, piercing.
This neighborhood feels like Thailand, as opposed to a Farang playground, which is how parts of the town feel, and I much prefer the vibe on my side of the moat. The 'old city' of Chiang Mai is basically a square that is 2 kilometers on each side. There is a moat that surrounds the old city and the busiest (and hardest to cross) streets adjoin the moat. Lots of traffic, scooters, tuk tuks, trucks, some bicycles and a few rickshaws. During rush hour it can take a while to find a little break that will allow you to dash across. I'm about one hundred yards from the moat, and a hundred yards on the other side is the CU Corner on soi number one. CU borders an area that is very farang friendly, with guest houses, restaurants, bike rental places, massage places, cafes and bars, all geared to the tourists. It's very very comfortable for the visitors, and I don't begrudge them (me?) the opportunity to feel comfortable, but there is something about it that rankles. It's almost too much, like going to 'Old Sturbridge Village' or something or some 'restored pioneer village' which offers that Disneyland type of experience, as opposed to real experience. I'm not deluded enough to think that I'm getting the real thing on the other side of the moat, but it is definitely different, much more Thais per capita on this side, speaking a few words of Thai helps, and I've got some of the basics down, numbers, ordering food and coffee, and the ability to say, no problem, very good, thank you, see you later, how much, check please etc. I like it on my side.
N's coffee place is down the end of the soi, facing the moat, and it's a great vibe in there. She is very nice, solid citizen, good source of information. Her clientele seems to be about 50/50 farang/thai so it makes for a nice mix of people. There is a guitar in there as well, owned by her friend 'Eck'? and I've shown him a couple of tricks, and now I'm starting to recognize the locals who hang out there, they honk at me if they're driving by and I'm out and about, so that's a nice feeling to start feeling part of the community. Ah yes the virtues of a regular routine. It's a good thing.
I'd write about M but I'm starting to think I'm just insane on that topic, things change from one day to the next and maybe it's a little embarrassing to be so sure one minute and then so sure the other way the next minute. Reminds me of a moment during my divorce from Jamila when my lawyer was arguing a point and he had that exasperated, lawyer thing going on...'This is ridiculous, there's no way it should be like this etc', except he was mistaken about something he was arguing. I whispered in his ear and corrected the information, and without missing a beat, he started arguing the other side of the issue, in the same exasperated, 'this is ridiculous' tone. I was like, 'Wow, so that's what lawyers do'. It was impressive, in a ridiculous way. And that's how I'm feeling about the M saga. One minute it's feeling so clear that it's a certain way. The next minute, it's the opposite of that. Like Cheryl Crow sings, 'Every day is A Winding Road'.... and like I sing, "The Race is On'
I've been thinking about how much I love where I've been staying in Chiang Mai. I'm on a little street (soi) just outside the old city, and right across the way from my Guest House is a big highschool, which means that there are lots of teenagers coming and going on foot and on scooters. All of the kids are in uniform, and every morning just before 8, I hear the school song pumped over the loudspeaker as the kids gether for the opening address. Then there are some words from an adult, followed by the National Anthem. It comes in loud and clear, and now I know the tune. On the corner, 5 or 6 vendors are set up in movable carts to take advantage of the number of kids. Students can stop by for chilled fruit in plastic bags, skewers of meat, little deep fried snacks with a little hot dog slice inside an oily shell (strangely delicious and not 'heart healthy') and other such fast food. Around the corner is a large day care/primary school where children from 3 to 7 spend their day. Since it would be impossible for parents to park and walk the kids in themselves, (no spaces), a group of teachers is stationed at the entrance and they open the car door, help the children out, greet them and walk them inside, almost like a valet service. It's kind of adorable to see the kids arrive to a wonderful welcome like this. Occassionaly I'll be walking by as all of the kids are on the playground singing their morning song, and the sound is piercing, that high pitched nasal kid sound, unselfconscious, loud and like I say, piercing.
This neighborhood feels like Thailand, as opposed to a Farang playground, which is how parts of the town feel, and I much prefer the vibe on my side of the moat. The 'old city' of Chiang Mai is basically a square that is 2 kilometers on each side. There is a moat that surrounds the old city and the busiest (and hardest to cross) streets adjoin the moat. Lots of traffic, scooters, tuk tuks, trucks, some bicycles and a few rickshaws. During rush hour it can take a while to find a little break that will allow you to dash across. I'm about one hundred yards from the moat, and a hundred yards on the other side is the CU Corner on soi number one. CU borders an area that is very farang friendly, with guest houses, restaurants, bike rental places, massage places, cafes and bars, all geared to the tourists. It's very very comfortable for the visitors, and I don't begrudge them (me?) the opportunity to feel comfortable, but there is something about it that rankles. It's almost too much, like going to 'Old Sturbridge Village' or something or some 'restored pioneer village' which offers that Disneyland type of experience, as opposed to real experience. I'm not deluded enough to think that I'm getting the real thing on the other side of the moat, but it is definitely different, much more Thais per capita on this side, speaking a few words of Thai helps, and I've got some of the basics down, numbers, ordering food and coffee, and the ability to say, no problem, very good, thank you, see you later, how much, check please etc. I like it on my side.
N's coffee place is down the end of the soi, facing the moat, and it's a great vibe in there. She is very nice, solid citizen, good source of information. Her clientele seems to be about 50/50 farang/thai so it makes for a nice mix of people. There is a guitar in there as well, owned by her friend 'Eck'? and I've shown him a couple of tricks, and now I'm starting to recognize the locals who hang out there, they honk at me if they're driving by and I'm out and about, so that's a nice feeling to start feeling part of the community. Ah yes the virtues of a regular routine. It's a good thing.
I'd write about M but I'm starting to think I'm just insane on that topic, things change from one day to the next and maybe it's a little embarrassing to be so sure one minute and then so sure the other way the next minute. Reminds me of a moment during my divorce from Jamila when my lawyer was arguing a point and he had that exasperated, lawyer thing going on...'This is ridiculous, there's no way it should be like this etc', except he was mistaken about something he was arguing. I whispered in his ear and corrected the information, and without missing a beat, he started arguing the other side of the issue, in the same exasperated, 'this is ridiculous' tone. I was like, 'Wow, so that's what lawyers do'. It was impressive, in a ridiculous way. And that's how I'm feeling about the M saga. One minute it's feeling so clear that it's a certain way. The next minute, it's the opposite of that. Like Cheryl Crow sings, 'Every day is A Winding Road'.... and like I sing, "The Race is On'
Chillin' in Chiang Mai
Got a major spring in my step this morning, could be the cappuccino, but it isn't. It's the fact that I've got a new tune cooking in my brain. A sunny, simple reggae thing called 'Chillin' in Chiang Mai' in the key of E Major. Where most of my songs are lyrically complete, with the clever rhymes (hopefully), and the sophisticated (more or less) chord changes, this will be the antithesis. It's more about the groove, the vibe, the invitation to enter and let your spirit smile. I was thinking about my gigs, and one thing that jumped out was that the reggae song, 'Bhang Lassie' always goes over well. It's three chords, very repetitious in that Afro-Caribbean way, which puts a premium on rhythm rather than on harmonic sophistication. There's something about it that people love and it always brightens the room.
So I was back in the room last night thinking along those lines and came to the conclusion that I should do another reggae thing for the bar scene. Grabbed the guitar, played E F#m A B7 (4 beats each) reggae groove and started singing 'We're chillin' chillin' chillin' in Chiang Mai' et voila, the feeling takes over, a smile comes to my face, and I imagine a song about the sights and sounds, the feeling of living the good life in this paradise, sun is shining, temperature is perfect, lots of happy people about, which is the case. (especially the westerners who don't have to work). It would fit in perfectly in a set of music, and now I get to imagine the words, throw in the bridge (which I've done), and there ya go, an easy, fun, welcoming groove... and a spring in my step.
I went by the CU early last night, which is the time to talk to Jeff and Oh. Customers don't show up until around 9pm or so, and before hand, Jeff is hanging out, maybe visiting with a friend who comes to see him before it gets rolling. The other day, I had broached the idea of a second weekly gig, and he sounded encouraging, so I went over to see if we could nail it down. He was into it, he likes what I bring, because his customers are happy (and drinking) when I play, so he did a little juggling and offered me a Friday evening spot, 8:30 until 10pm. Perfect, now I get to play on Tuesdays and Fridays and I'll get to keep those slots for awhile, bring in friends to play with, keep the music going. And tomorrow, I'm guessing that I'll debut the new reggae song, Chillin' in Chiang Mai.
Went tango dancing last night and made an interesting connection with a woman who showed up there for the first time. She is a 31 year old, nice dancer, very cute, though she would likely chafe at that characterization. We'll call her D. It was a very quiet night on the tango front, only one other guy there besides me and the teacher. That other guy is a beginner and can't really dance, so I was circulating among the 4 women, which is the gentlemanly thing to do. D has been dancing tango for 8 years in the San Francisco scene and she's got skills (and attitude) She's one of those who likes to give feedback to her partner, which can be a touchy thing depending on people's receptivity to 'criticism'. She asked if she could comment on something I was doing, and I was open to hearing what she had to say. Her critique was on the money and I told her that she was free to give me that kind of feedback. (I don't know if I added 'within reason' but I thought it)
Turns out she's a transplanted New Yorker from Brooklyn, but before that, she was a transplanted Russian from St Petersburg who moved to NY with her family at age 11, not knowing a word of English. I asked if she was Jewish, and yes indeed she is, so there was all of this common energy going on, the New York thing, the Jewish thing, the direct communication thing and at one point, I quipped that she was almost 'blog worthy'. I explained that I write every morning, and often during the rest of the day, I'm in some kind of scan mode, picking up ideas for tomorrow's blog session. I noticed that she was very interested in that, and I sensed that she wanted to read about herself, so in addition to all those other commonalities, we seem to share the 'ego thing' as well. it was just a hunch.
Oh yeah, the woman has opinions and is very willing to share them. She wasn't that impressed with the teacher Edward, and was tending to subtly cringe when he taught something that didn't conform to her view. We talked about it a bit, and she compared him unfavorably to the 'great teachers' available in San Francisco, and he clearly was not on that level, in her eyes. So she had a bit of a problem in that she wanted to give me some feedback which was maybe the opposite of what the teacher was teaching. Made for a slight dynamic tension inside her, but no big deal, she kept it together, didn't make any kind of inappropriate comment, though it was clear to me that she was holding back.
Me, I like the way Edward teaches; he reminds me of Greg from Eugene, who was awkward in his body, didn't look good on the dance floor, but who knew his stuff and could share it in a way that made sense to me. I've gone to 4 sessions here in Chiang Mai, and each time I have picked up something useful, which is why I keep going. It's a question of resonance, some teachers work for some students, and this guy happens to work for me. I wouldn't like to dance like him, but I'm getting some good information which is adding to the repository.
I asked if D would like to grab a bite or a beer after class, and she was reticent to accept that invitation, but did ask which way I was walking. I said I'd be happy to walk her home if she wanted, and yes, she liked that idea. It's a safe environment here, but it was night time, she had close to a mile back to her place, and she appreciated the escort. We walked to the Thae Pae Gate, a major landmark here where there is a temporary market set up in preparation for some New Year's festivities, and we stopped off for some food. She was eying this multicolored, sweet concoction with a pancake wrapped around a banana and covered with nuts and dried fruit and chocolate. Would I share it with her? I said, 'what are you, stoned?' She laughed as it totally looked like stoner food. We sat down and had a very entertaining conversation, about the New York 'direct communication' thing, about dance, yoga, traveling, and we were both enjoying it. Of course, being me, I'm checking her out as a woman too, and she's charming and adorable and likely too young for a baby boomer like me. I sensed that she was interested as well, good eye contact, lots of smiles, but you never know for sure.
Headed through town back toward her place, passing a part of town that I've heard about, but hadn't actually visited, where there are a bunch of music places, a reggae joint, a rock joint, lots of action, live bands, noise, party scene. It was relatively quiet on a Wednesday night, and it's also a bad tourism year here, due to the flooding, but it was good to see where the 'scene' is... not that I'm into that scene. D needed to stop off and do some online banking, because she's going to India in a couple of months for a month long yoga training. She had been having a hard time finalizing that decision, it's partly the money, and also the realization that she doesn't really want to go back to the US. Originally she was going to be out for 4 months. Well it's been 4 months now, and now she's signing up for a course that begins in February so there is some coming to terms with the turns in her life. She's on her camino, and it's leading where it leads. (I can totally relate)
We got back to her guest house, and I was hoping that we could sit and talk for awhile, she agreed and we found a little cafe where we shared a pot of tea. It was going really well, laughter, eye contact, and I was curious if she was feeling the 'boy-girl-thing as well, despite the obvious age difference... twenty something years. (Thank God she's over thirty, eh?) I kind of broached it as I tend to do. I called it the boy-girl thing and she said, 'You're attracted to me'. I said, yes I am, and then I made some kind of hand gesture, pointing in my direction to ask if the feeling was mutual. She had a very interesting reaction to that, a new one actually, let me see if I can remember it clearly. She said something along the lines of 'you don't ask a woman that. It's different for women, better to keep the conversation going and read the signs and then you'll know the answer' something like that. I tried to make a joke and said, 'That's a yes', but it fell flat and there was a bit of awkwardness between us for the first time. I realized that my direct approach came off cocky, and I apologized to her, and also complimented her on her response. It was quite perceptive, and I think I learned something in that moment. The thing I learned? 'Glauber, sometimes just shut the hell up and let it flow naturally. There is a time for direct action, and a time for finesse. Learn the difference' (or something like that)
Anyhow, we found each other fairly charming and interesting, and the thing that seems to tie it together is that 'ego' piece. She was talking about her strong reaction to the teacher, and I sensed a pang of regret or something in her stance. I asked her how she was feeling about her reaction and she got a little self-critical about her judgment and negativity vis a vis Edward. And she copped to the fact that yeah, she got something out of the class too. There was a little bit of vulnerability and much awareness in her introspection, and it was very appealing to communicate on that 'meta' level. And it triggered some words from me about how I have this very high opinion of myself also, have done some amazing creative things over the years, but was kind of an asshole about it at different times. I'd think to myself, 'Yeah, not a lot of people could do what I just did' 'Haven't I done enough, do you really understand how awesome that was?' kind of garbage. The stuff that alienates people, as well it should. For me, I found a solution in 'gratitude'. So if I pull off something great and start to go down the ego road, I can now reel it in by going to the place of 'thank you, God, for giving me the ability to serve in this way'. (This approach is better for everybody).
And I got the sense that D and I share this characteristic of being on a similar path, that has elements of art and culture, travel and ego to be tamed. We triggered something in each other that was surprising. She later said that she was surprised out how forward she was, but she figured that we just brought it out of each other. Yep, that New York, Russian, artistic Jewish thing. It's in the gene pool. She's a cool person, hope I get to see her again...
So I was back in the room last night thinking along those lines and came to the conclusion that I should do another reggae thing for the bar scene. Grabbed the guitar, played E F#m A B7 (4 beats each) reggae groove and started singing 'We're chillin' chillin' chillin' in Chiang Mai' et voila, the feeling takes over, a smile comes to my face, and I imagine a song about the sights and sounds, the feeling of living the good life in this paradise, sun is shining, temperature is perfect, lots of happy people about, which is the case. (especially the westerners who don't have to work). It would fit in perfectly in a set of music, and now I get to imagine the words, throw in the bridge (which I've done), and there ya go, an easy, fun, welcoming groove... and a spring in my step.
I went by the CU early last night, which is the time to talk to Jeff and Oh. Customers don't show up until around 9pm or so, and before hand, Jeff is hanging out, maybe visiting with a friend who comes to see him before it gets rolling. The other day, I had broached the idea of a second weekly gig, and he sounded encouraging, so I went over to see if we could nail it down. He was into it, he likes what I bring, because his customers are happy (and drinking) when I play, so he did a little juggling and offered me a Friday evening spot, 8:30 until 10pm. Perfect, now I get to play on Tuesdays and Fridays and I'll get to keep those slots for awhile, bring in friends to play with, keep the music going. And tomorrow, I'm guessing that I'll debut the new reggae song, Chillin' in Chiang Mai.
Went tango dancing last night and made an interesting connection with a woman who showed up there for the first time. She is a 31 year old, nice dancer, very cute, though she would likely chafe at that characterization. We'll call her D. It was a very quiet night on the tango front, only one other guy there besides me and the teacher. That other guy is a beginner and can't really dance, so I was circulating among the 4 women, which is the gentlemanly thing to do. D has been dancing tango for 8 years in the San Francisco scene and she's got skills (and attitude) She's one of those who likes to give feedback to her partner, which can be a touchy thing depending on people's receptivity to 'criticism'. She asked if she could comment on something I was doing, and I was open to hearing what she had to say. Her critique was on the money and I told her that she was free to give me that kind of feedback. (I don't know if I added 'within reason' but I thought it)
Turns out she's a transplanted New Yorker from Brooklyn, but before that, she was a transplanted Russian from St Petersburg who moved to NY with her family at age 11, not knowing a word of English. I asked if she was Jewish, and yes indeed she is, so there was all of this common energy going on, the New York thing, the Jewish thing, the direct communication thing and at one point, I quipped that she was almost 'blog worthy'. I explained that I write every morning, and often during the rest of the day, I'm in some kind of scan mode, picking up ideas for tomorrow's blog session. I noticed that she was very interested in that, and I sensed that she wanted to read about herself, so in addition to all those other commonalities, we seem to share the 'ego thing' as well. it was just a hunch.
Oh yeah, the woman has opinions and is very willing to share them. She wasn't that impressed with the teacher Edward, and was tending to subtly cringe when he taught something that didn't conform to her view. We talked about it a bit, and she compared him unfavorably to the 'great teachers' available in San Francisco, and he clearly was not on that level, in her eyes. So she had a bit of a problem in that she wanted to give me some feedback which was maybe the opposite of what the teacher was teaching. Made for a slight dynamic tension inside her, but no big deal, she kept it together, didn't make any kind of inappropriate comment, though it was clear to me that she was holding back.
Me, I like the way Edward teaches; he reminds me of Greg from Eugene, who was awkward in his body, didn't look good on the dance floor, but who knew his stuff and could share it in a way that made sense to me. I've gone to 4 sessions here in Chiang Mai, and each time I have picked up something useful, which is why I keep going. It's a question of resonance, some teachers work for some students, and this guy happens to work for me. I wouldn't like to dance like him, but I'm getting some good information which is adding to the repository.
I asked if D would like to grab a bite or a beer after class, and she was reticent to accept that invitation, but did ask which way I was walking. I said I'd be happy to walk her home if she wanted, and yes, she liked that idea. It's a safe environment here, but it was night time, she had close to a mile back to her place, and she appreciated the escort. We walked to the Thae Pae Gate, a major landmark here where there is a temporary market set up in preparation for some New Year's festivities, and we stopped off for some food. She was eying this multicolored, sweet concoction with a pancake wrapped around a banana and covered with nuts and dried fruit and chocolate. Would I share it with her? I said, 'what are you, stoned?' She laughed as it totally looked like stoner food. We sat down and had a very entertaining conversation, about the New York 'direct communication' thing, about dance, yoga, traveling, and we were both enjoying it. Of course, being me, I'm checking her out as a woman too, and she's charming and adorable and likely too young for a baby boomer like me. I sensed that she was interested as well, good eye contact, lots of smiles, but you never know for sure.
Headed through town back toward her place, passing a part of town that I've heard about, but hadn't actually visited, where there are a bunch of music places, a reggae joint, a rock joint, lots of action, live bands, noise, party scene. It was relatively quiet on a Wednesday night, and it's also a bad tourism year here, due to the flooding, but it was good to see where the 'scene' is... not that I'm into that scene. D needed to stop off and do some online banking, because she's going to India in a couple of months for a month long yoga training. She had been having a hard time finalizing that decision, it's partly the money, and also the realization that she doesn't really want to go back to the US. Originally she was going to be out for 4 months. Well it's been 4 months now, and now she's signing up for a course that begins in February so there is some coming to terms with the turns in her life. She's on her camino, and it's leading where it leads. (I can totally relate)
We got back to her guest house, and I was hoping that we could sit and talk for awhile, she agreed and we found a little cafe where we shared a pot of tea. It was going really well, laughter, eye contact, and I was curious if she was feeling the 'boy-girl-thing as well, despite the obvious age difference... twenty something years. (Thank God she's over thirty, eh?) I kind of broached it as I tend to do. I called it the boy-girl thing and she said, 'You're attracted to me'. I said, yes I am, and then I made some kind of hand gesture, pointing in my direction to ask if the feeling was mutual. She had a very interesting reaction to that, a new one actually, let me see if I can remember it clearly. She said something along the lines of 'you don't ask a woman that. It's different for women, better to keep the conversation going and read the signs and then you'll know the answer' something like that. I tried to make a joke and said, 'That's a yes', but it fell flat and there was a bit of awkwardness between us for the first time. I realized that my direct approach came off cocky, and I apologized to her, and also complimented her on her response. It was quite perceptive, and I think I learned something in that moment. The thing I learned? 'Glauber, sometimes just shut the hell up and let it flow naturally. There is a time for direct action, and a time for finesse. Learn the difference' (or something like that)
Anyhow, we found each other fairly charming and interesting, and the thing that seems to tie it together is that 'ego' piece. She was talking about her strong reaction to the teacher, and I sensed a pang of regret or something in her stance. I asked her how she was feeling about her reaction and she got a little self-critical about her judgment and negativity vis a vis Edward. And she copped to the fact that yeah, she got something out of the class too. There was a little bit of vulnerability and much awareness in her introspection, and it was very appealing to communicate on that 'meta' level. And it triggered some words from me about how I have this very high opinion of myself also, have done some amazing creative things over the years, but was kind of an asshole about it at different times. I'd think to myself, 'Yeah, not a lot of people could do what I just did' 'Haven't I done enough, do you really understand how awesome that was?' kind of garbage. The stuff that alienates people, as well it should. For me, I found a solution in 'gratitude'. So if I pull off something great and start to go down the ego road, I can now reel it in by going to the place of 'thank you, God, for giving me the ability to serve in this way'. (This approach is better for everybody).
And I got the sense that D and I share this characteristic of being on a similar path, that has elements of art and culture, travel and ego to be tamed. We triggered something in each other that was surprising. She later said that she was surprised out how forward she was, but she figured that we just brought it out of each other. Yep, that New York, Russian, artistic Jewish thing. It's in the gene pool. She's a cool person, hope I get to see her again...
Don't it always seem to go...
Don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you got til it's gone.... (Joni Mitchell)
It's almost like a mind trick to want what you don't have, the 'grass always being greener' and all that. It was just so crystal clear that M and I should go our separate ways. And then last night, there she is in the bar, working hard, gorgeous, sexy, smiling and wow, wouldn't it be amazing to be with her.... It's as though my mind is intentionally playing this game with me to make me nuts. And my dreams too... I had one this morning in which I was taking a walk, I go by this cafe and there is M sitting with a guy I know, and since it's early in the morning I know they've been out together all night. Weird how the mind is processing this stuff.
I had a strange night last night, beginning with a terrific set for Ladies Night at CU Corner, my regular Tuesday gig. We played a ninety minute set for an appreciative crowd and I was feelin' it. My voice was strong, the band was tight, I felt like a pro. I had had a talk with the rhythm player, Aussie Dave, who last time out, was drunk, off tempo, too loud and not fun to play with. He loves making music with me, but I told him that if that happened again, sorry, I can't do it. I can't be worrying about the guy to my right, when I'm trying to work the crowd, make it happen etc. I said it in a respectful way, just the straight information, and he showed up last night cold sober, played perfect and it was excellent. Of course I complimented him a lot. That felt good.
M was very busy, very friendly to me, and at her best, especially early in the evening before the drunks start slurring and the place turns more depressing (to me). And of course my mind is going, look at her, she's so lovely, she so loves me, why couldn't we.... (this is the first day after the super clarity of why we need to let eachother go, and right away, the mind wants to make it work). I played bass on Apple's set, then got out of there around midnight, back to my lonely room, a little lump in my throat at seeing her stuff cleared out of there. Read a bit, didn't sleep well, woke up before daylight with a very anxious and constricted heart, missing her, looking over where she had slept the past 10 nights and she's not there. So I'm consciously reminding myself of all the reasons why this is the way it is, but they don't really ease the anxiety. Breathe....
And I'm experiencing the loss and at the same time marveling at the process in which one day it's crystal clear in a certain direction and the next day there is acute 'seller's remorse'. Well it's a journey, and even though the pain can be overwhelming for a few minutes, wait, that's overstating it, it's not overwhelming, merely whelming (but I digress), yet it doesn't last, unless you fixate on it. And in a Buddhist country like this, I'm moved to find that middle path, let the feelings come, but don't hang on to them. 'Let it come and let it go' is the way I wrote it in a song last year, and there is truth in that sentiment. Feel it, experience it, let it go to make room for the next feeling.
And I'm definitely taking comfort in the routine of writing in the morning, exercising at noon, music in the afternoon (with a nap in there because I can't seem to sleep through the night). Tonight is tango night, a pleasant diversion, life goes on. I'm thinking of that statement which I alluded to in a previous post, though I didn't write the complete statement. 'Before enlightenment... chop wood carry water... after enlightenment... chop wood carry water' Am I enlightened? not hardly... but I feel like I'm on some kind of path. On the camino....
Broke out some new material in the set last night, including yesterday's acquisition, 'The Race is On' Damn, I love that song and pulled it off pretty well, given the speed and volume of the lyrics. I'll be doing it more. Also sang BoomBoom for the first time this year and it felt great. People liked it. And D, who dates a lady boy, caught my inappropriate line which is in the verse that goes.
Boom boom, she looks like Beyonce
Boom Boom don't tell my fiancee
Boom Boom you fill my heart with joy
Boom Boom you shoulda said you was a lady boy
Boom Boom we did it every which way
Boom Boom just like Cirque de So Gay
Come on up to my bedroom
Everybody needs a little Boom Boom Boom
When I wrote it, I figured it was a gay thing, but since my dinner meeting with Lana, I realize that it's not quite that. After the set, D said, 'Did you say Cirque de So Gay?' Amazing that he was paying that close attention... I don't know if I need to change the line. I like the line, and I suppose I could justify it as the misguided notion of someone who just had a surprise experience, rather than as a PC reference to the proper lady boy sex vernacular... and how's that for a conundrum? (PC lady boy references) Only in Thailand, eh...
Do you know how much I make for a 90 minute, well-received set? 400 Baht, $13, which I shared with ace guitarist Scott. I keep a little extra of it for two reasons. It's my gig, and he gets a couple free drinks on the set which is a perk. So I made about $7.50 compared to his $5.50 and no, I don't think I could survive here as a musician. Actually, that's not entirely true, I could get some gigs, do some teaching and make some kind of money if I was motiviated. Better probably to make some real dough selling some of these tunes that I write, who knows, maybe I'll actually try doing that back in the US. No guarantees of course, but if I were to live here someday, I'd need to have a good stream of money coming in....
Well I have a student in an hour and I'll get the full 400 baht for myself, woohoo, I'm rich! In the meantime, I'll keep feeling, keep reading, keep moving, keep writing, keep playing, keep chopping wood and carrying water. And yeah, there's a little piece of my heart that is hurting. The more you open, the more vulnerable you are. Sweet life....
It's almost like a mind trick to want what you don't have, the 'grass always being greener' and all that. It was just so crystal clear that M and I should go our separate ways. And then last night, there she is in the bar, working hard, gorgeous, sexy, smiling and wow, wouldn't it be amazing to be with her.... It's as though my mind is intentionally playing this game with me to make me nuts. And my dreams too... I had one this morning in which I was taking a walk, I go by this cafe and there is M sitting with a guy I know, and since it's early in the morning I know they've been out together all night. Weird how the mind is processing this stuff.
I had a strange night last night, beginning with a terrific set for Ladies Night at CU Corner, my regular Tuesday gig. We played a ninety minute set for an appreciative crowd and I was feelin' it. My voice was strong, the band was tight, I felt like a pro. I had had a talk with the rhythm player, Aussie Dave, who last time out, was drunk, off tempo, too loud and not fun to play with. He loves making music with me, but I told him that if that happened again, sorry, I can't do it. I can't be worrying about the guy to my right, when I'm trying to work the crowd, make it happen etc. I said it in a respectful way, just the straight information, and he showed up last night cold sober, played perfect and it was excellent. Of course I complimented him a lot. That felt good.
M was very busy, very friendly to me, and at her best, especially early in the evening before the drunks start slurring and the place turns more depressing (to me). And of course my mind is going, look at her, she's so lovely, she so loves me, why couldn't we.... (this is the first day after the super clarity of why we need to let eachother go, and right away, the mind wants to make it work). I played bass on Apple's set, then got out of there around midnight, back to my lonely room, a little lump in my throat at seeing her stuff cleared out of there. Read a bit, didn't sleep well, woke up before daylight with a very anxious and constricted heart, missing her, looking over where she had slept the past 10 nights and she's not there. So I'm consciously reminding myself of all the reasons why this is the way it is, but they don't really ease the anxiety. Breathe....
And I'm experiencing the loss and at the same time marveling at the process in which one day it's crystal clear in a certain direction and the next day there is acute 'seller's remorse'. Well it's a journey, and even though the pain can be overwhelming for a few minutes, wait, that's overstating it, it's not overwhelming, merely whelming (but I digress), yet it doesn't last, unless you fixate on it. And in a Buddhist country like this, I'm moved to find that middle path, let the feelings come, but don't hang on to them. 'Let it come and let it go' is the way I wrote it in a song last year, and there is truth in that sentiment. Feel it, experience it, let it go to make room for the next feeling.
And I'm definitely taking comfort in the routine of writing in the morning, exercising at noon, music in the afternoon (with a nap in there because I can't seem to sleep through the night). Tonight is tango night, a pleasant diversion, life goes on. I'm thinking of that statement which I alluded to in a previous post, though I didn't write the complete statement. 'Before enlightenment... chop wood carry water... after enlightenment... chop wood carry water' Am I enlightened? not hardly... but I feel like I'm on some kind of path. On the camino....
Broke out some new material in the set last night, including yesterday's acquisition, 'The Race is On' Damn, I love that song and pulled it off pretty well, given the speed and volume of the lyrics. I'll be doing it more. Also sang BoomBoom for the first time this year and it felt great. People liked it. And D, who dates a lady boy, caught my inappropriate line which is in the verse that goes.
Boom boom, she looks like Beyonce
Boom Boom don't tell my fiancee
Boom Boom you fill my heart with joy
Boom Boom you shoulda said you was a lady boy
Boom Boom we did it every which way
Boom Boom just like Cirque de So Gay
Come on up to my bedroom
Everybody needs a little Boom Boom Boom
When I wrote it, I figured it was a gay thing, but since my dinner meeting with Lana, I realize that it's not quite that. After the set, D said, 'Did you say Cirque de So Gay?' Amazing that he was paying that close attention... I don't know if I need to change the line. I like the line, and I suppose I could justify it as the misguided notion of someone who just had a surprise experience, rather than as a PC reference to the proper lady boy sex vernacular... and how's that for a conundrum? (PC lady boy references) Only in Thailand, eh...
Do you know how much I make for a 90 minute, well-received set? 400 Baht, $13, which I shared with ace guitarist Scott. I keep a little extra of it for two reasons. It's my gig, and he gets a couple free drinks on the set which is a perk. So I made about $7.50 compared to his $5.50 and no, I don't think I could survive here as a musician. Actually, that's not entirely true, I could get some gigs, do some teaching and make some kind of money if I was motiviated. Better probably to make some real dough selling some of these tunes that I write, who knows, maybe I'll actually try doing that back in the US. No guarantees of course, but if I were to live here someday, I'd need to have a good stream of money coming in....
Well I have a student in an hour and I'll get the full 400 baht for myself, woohoo, I'm rich! In the meantime, I'll keep feeling, keep reading, keep moving, keep writing, keep playing, keep chopping wood and carrying water. And yeah, there's a little piece of my heart that is hurting. The more you open, the more vulnerable you are. Sweet life....
Respect....
That word 'respect' has been in my mind lately. And as I try and begin to write about it, I'm chagrined by a moment in the bar last night when one of the regulars, D was pulling on M, trying to get a kiss from her, she resisting, he holding on and trying to bring her near, me getting more and more uptight until finally I hissed Respect! Respect! in a pissed off tone. It was the frustrated culmination of watching one customer hug her and dance with her, another one grab her hand and hold on as she's trying to pull away, others buying her drinks, just another night in the bar apparently.
It's not like she's an innocent in all this 'harmless' activity. She's got it in her head that it's part of her job to make the customers 'happy', so she'll accept their drinks, laugh off their approaches, keep the energy going, smile, dance, flirt, laugh. God bless her, they love her, she's an amazing waitress and a good person. And I can't take it, it's not in my nature to be able to deal with it, and finally I see the light. (and I'm guessing that my reader, er readers, saw it before me). Just a hunch.
I've definitely been hanging by a thread in terms of being able to stick it out, as I get my button pushed on a regular basis. And now somehow, I get it and it's OK. So yeah, I'm breaking up with her on a blog while she sleeps in my room. (Uh, how respectful is that, Mr Glauber? the guy who fancies himself as having so much integrity). Good question, and I think what I'll do is process now, 'save', rather than 'publish', take care of this 'breaking up' business, and then add it to the flow of daily dispatches. That way M is the first to know, as it should be.
I suppose there has been a competition throughout between my rational mind and my er baser instincts, and they've been pretty much neck and neck throughout this horse race. One will pull ahead, the other will overtake and grab the lead, back and forth they go.... 'And the race is on and it looks like heartache, and the winner loses all' (I'm gonna pause and listen to that song for a second, it's in my head and I want to know what the lyric is...) Ain't youtube great?
Made famous by George Jones, written by Don Rollins, about to be covered by Rich Glauber, I love this tune. Here's the chorus:
Well the race is on and here comes pride up the backstretch
Heartache's a goin' to the inside
My tears are holding back
They're tryin' not to fall
My heart's out of the running
True love's scratched for another's sake
The race is on and it looks like heartache
And the winner loses all
Not that it reflects the current situation, I'm not losing her to another (yet), but that 'competition' piece came up in my last paragraph and this song uses the same analogy. And it's a rockin, old fashioned country stomp, like 'Old Cotton Fields Back Home' that irresistible 3 chord rockin country thing.... This one's going into the repertoire... Check out George Jones doing it on Youtube
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H9b2zB3HwOM
I'm not sad about it, though I likely will be from time to time. I just want the strength to not get lonely and go back in for seconds, OK thirds a little ways down the road. Let my sense of rightness take the lead, and not be submerged by loneliness or need or 'what the heck's the difference, can't I enjoy some pleasure?'. It's time to move on, respectfully, wishing each other the very best. I genuinely like M, she's a great person and we care for each other a lot, There's no doubt. I've been thinking about the Serenity Prayer this morning as it seems to fit.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. (deep breath, another, another, let it sink in)
I just looked up the word 'respect' as I'd like to know more about it, what does it really mean, where does it come from? It's latin in origin and means 'looking back'. It's not a directional kind of thing like looking behind oneself, but more a sense of re-looking, looking again, considering again. That's kind of interesting when compared with the idea of just looking once. There is something in the re examining that perhaps can give us a sense of value, of honor, of perspective. I'm just thinking out loud here (silently), but perhaps 'respect' is a function of inner thought, some kind of meditation that enables us to put things in perspective and give honor to others, to ourself, to the world. (another deep breath, this one tinged with sadness, as I think about all of the callous, disrespectful behavior I see on a daily basis, particularly by the Farang in relation to the Thai women)
The sex tourism industry is thriving here with many many many older (and not so older) westerners spending their time whoring around, buying women for a day or three, buying them in bars, massage parlors, and looking at any woman as a potential 'partner'. It's gross on a lot of levels to see these self-satisfied bastards drinking their cappuccinos, comparing their conquests, eyeing the thirteen year old school girls walking by in their school uniforms, saying stupid shit, acting as if they were the royalty and the world and all of the inhabitants were there for their pleasure. It's a total lack of respect, for a culture, for a country in which you are a guest, for yourself untimately, if one believes in some kind of karmic payback down the road.
I've been talking to N about it over my morning cappuccino and she told me about this one older American guy who comes to her place on a regular basis, and she doesn't like him. There was an incident a couple of months ago in which there was a mix-up about who was buying coffee for whom, and one guy ended up with a freebie, and this American guy thought he was charged twice for a coffee. (as if N would do something like that... she's high integrity and everyone knows it). So the 70 year old American comes in the next day and says that he wants two coffees but will only pay for one... maybe it was bantering, who knows, I wasn't there. But she took it as an insult, as an accusation, and no she couldn't let him have a free one. (She charges $1 for an awesome cappuccino, and here's this guy giving her shit). Two months later she's still upset about it. Meanwhile he has no idea that this thing is upsetting to her and he's all 'Hello beautiful, could we have two cappuccinos and water, and a couple of beautiful young women to sit with us' Then he'll kiss her hand, invite her out for dinner and a massage... as if he's some kind of catch instead of a puffed up, pathetic old asshole who can't read the signs. (she cringes through the interaction, he has no clue) I TOTALLY wanted to pull him aside and give him a little reality check, but it's not my place, oh but the impulse is strong.
So I'll leave this daily internet stop now, head back to the room, maybe shut my eyes for a few minutes, take a swim, wait for M to awaken and we'll have one more conversation... respectfully, with kindness. Noboby's wrong, there was much good intention and caring. It's just not meant to be. And like I say, I'll bet you saw it before I did. I kinda knew all along, but there are reasons for staying in the drama, and I believe that I've explored them and learned from them. It's interesting to note that I haven't been successful in crafting a new song since I've spent 8 out of the last 9 nights next to her. And that is a concern. One of many, unfortunately. Oh well, you can't have it all (he went with the cliche), and I don't like that cliche, seems like an easy rationalization for not trying. but in this case, I did try, I stretched, I laughed and I loved and I cried. It's OK, it's as it should be.... Save now, publish later, with respect...
PS Went back to the room, M wakes up, says she's feeling sad and scared. We both know what is up, it's mutual. She wants me to be happy, I want her to be happy, we know this can't work now. Tears together... friendship. I tell her, if I ever come into the bar and ask if she'll come back to my room with me, please say no. She agrees.... It's going to be fine... We tried....
It's not like she's an innocent in all this 'harmless' activity. She's got it in her head that it's part of her job to make the customers 'happy', so she'll accept their drinks, laugh off their approaches, keep the energy going, smile, dance, flirt, laugh. God bless her, they love her, she's an amazing waitress and a good person. And I can't take it, it's not in my nature to be able to deal with it, and finally I see the light. (and I'm guessing that my reader, er readers, saw it before me). Just a hunch.
I've definitely been hanging by a thread in terms of being able to stick it out, as I get my button pushed on a regular basis. And now somehow, I get it and it's OK. So yeah, I'm breaking up with her on a blog while she sleeps in my room. (Uh, how respectful is that, Mr Glauber? the guy who fancies himself as having so much integrity). Good question, and I think what I'll do is process now, 'save', rather than 'publish', take care of this 'breaking up' business, and then add it to the flow of daily dispatches. That way M is the first to know, as it should be.
I suppose there has been a competition throughout between my rational mind and my er baser instincts, and they've been pretty much neck and neck throughout this horse race. One will pull ahead, the other will overtake and grab the lead, back and forth they go.... 'And the race is on and it looks like heartache, and the winner loses all' (I'm gonna pause and listen to that song for a second, it's in my head and I want to know what the lyric is...) Ain't youtube great?
Made famous by George Jones, written by Don Rollins, about to be covered by Rich Glauber, I love this tune. Here's the chorus:
Well the race is on and here comes pride up the backstretch
Heartache's a goin' to the inside
My tears are holding back
They're tryin' not to fall
My heart's out of the running
True love's scratched for another's sake
The race is on and it looks like heartache
And the winner loses all
Not that it reflects the current situation, I'm not losing her to another (yet), but that 'competition' piece came up in my last paragraph and this song uses the same analogy. And it's a rockin, old fashioned country stomp, like 'Old Cotton Fields Back Home' that irresistible 3 chord rockin country thing.... This one's going into the repertoire... Check out George Jones doing it on Youtube
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H9b2zB3HwOM
I'm not sad about it, though I likely will be from time to time. I just want the strength to not get lonely and go back in for seconds, OK thirds a little ways down the road. Let my sense of rightness take the lead, and not be submerged by loneliness or need or 'what the heck's the difference, can't I enjoy some pleasure?'. It's time to move on, respectfully, wishing each other the very best. I genuinely like M, she's a great person and we care for each other a lot, There's no doubt. I've been thinking about the Serenity Prayer this morning as it seems to fit.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. (deep breath, another, another, let it sink in)
I just looked up the word 'respect' as I'd like to know more about it, what does it really mean, where does it come from? It's latin in origin and means 'looking back'. It's not a directional kind of thing like looking behind oneself, but more a sense of re-looking, looking again, considering again. That's kind of interesting when compared with the idea of just looking once. There is something in the re examining that perhaps can give us a sense of value, of honor, of perspective. I'm just thinking out loud here (silently), but perhaps 'respect' is a function of inner thought, some kind of meditation that enables us to put things in perspective and give honor to others, to ourself, to the world. (another deep breath, this one tinged with sadness, as I think about all of the callous, disrespectful behavior I see on a daily basis, particularly by the Farang in relation to the Thai women)
The sex tourism industry is thriving here with many many many older (and not so older) westerners spending their time whoring around, buying women for a day or three, buying them in bars, massage parlors, and looking at any woman as a potential 'partner'. It's gross on a lot of levels to see these self-satisfied bastards drinking their cappuccinos, comparing their conquests, eyeing the thirteen year old school girls walking by in their school uniforms, saying stupid shit, acting as if they were the royalty and the world and all of the inhabitants were there for their pleasure. It's a total lack of respect, for a culture, for a country in which you are a guest, for yourself untimately, if one believes in some kind of karmic payback down the road.
I've been talking to N about it over my morning cappuccino and she told me about this one older American guy who comes to her place on a regular basis, and she doesn't like him. There was an incident a couple of months ago in which there was a mix-up about who was buying coffee for whom, and one guy ended up with a freebie, and this American guy thought he was charged twice for a coffee. (as if N would do something like that... she's high integrity and everyone knows it). So the 70 year old American comes in the next day and says that he wants two coffees but will only pay for one... maybe it was bantering, who knows, I wasn't there. But she took it as an insult, as an accusation, and no she couldn't let him have a free one. (She charges $1 for an awesome cappuccino, and here's this guy giving her shit). Two months later she's still upset about it. Meanwhile he has no idea that this thing is upsetting to her and he's all 'Hello beautiful, could we have two cappuccinos and water, and a couple of beautiful young women to sit with us' Then he'll kiss her hand, invite her out for dinner and a massage... as if he's some kind of catch instead of a puffed up, pathetic old asshole who can't read the signs. (she cringes through the interaction, he has no clue) I TOTALLY wanted to pull him aside and give him a little reality check, but it's not my place, oh but the impulse is strong.
So I'll leave this daily internet stop now, head back to the room, maybe shut my eyes for a few minutes, take a swim, wait for M to awaken and we'll have one more conversation... respectfully, with kindness. Noboby's wrong, there was much good intention and caring. It's just not meant to be. And like I say, I'll bet you saw it before I did. I kinda knew all along, but there are reasons for staying in the drama, and I believe that I've explored them and learned from them. It's interesting to note that I haven't been successful in crafting a new song since I've spent 8 out of the last 9 nights next to her. And that is a concern. One of many, unfortunately. Oh well, you can't have it all (he went with the cliche), and I don't like that cliche, seems like an easy rationalization for not trying. but in this case, I did try, I stretched, I laughed and I loved and I cried. It's OK, it's as it should be.... Save now, publish later, with respect...
PS Went back to the room, M wakes up, says she's feeling sad and scared. We both know what is up, it's mutual. She wants me to be happy, I want her to be happy, we know this can't work now. Tears together... friendship. I tell her, if I ever come into the bar and ask if she'll come back to my room with me, please say no. She agrees.... It's going to be fine... We tried....
The Fifth Principle (toughest one for me)
My personal 'torah' is something I came up with in the early 90's, when I was trying to formalize my ideas about how to successfully make music with other people. A lot of times, when folks get together to jam, it's frustrating, unfocused, the egos come out, but then there are those times when magic happens. I thought that if I could understand what made the great times great, then maybe I could use that information to have more successful and satisying experiences in the future. I came up with what I call, 'The Five Principles', and though I originally was working within a musical framework, it quickly become clear that these principles are more than just musical ones. They became my 'operating system', they are the way that I interpret human interactions and communication.
I'm thinking of principle number 5 today, which has always had a bit of mystery attached to it. Before I dig in, let me quickly list the four which precede it.
1 Music is a 'spiritual opportunity'. You give it your best effort. Pieces begin and end in silence, thereby distinguishing them from the noise of everyday sound. Each musical gathering offers a chance for profound spiritual connection, with one another and maybe with something deeper.
2 You need to be able to 'copy someone else' in music, join with their rhythm or feeling or melody. Like water, you need to be able to 'take the shape of the vessel'. The ability to join someone else's idea is a vital musical skill.
3. 'Rhythmic integrity'.... Can you hold down a part so that another person can use your solid base to build something else, take a solo, add a counterpoint, find a complement. These things can only happen if you can hold on to your part. People are 'counting' on you.
4. 'listening and silence' within the musical conversation. Nothing is worse than the guy who won't leave room for others to find a spot. The 'more cowbell' guy from that skit is a good example. Or the drummer who overpowers with sixteenth notes, or the person who talks too much and doesn't let anyone else get a word in. You need silence within the music to foster dialogue and participation.
5. 'Dynamics and the willingness to change'. Music is only captivating if it moves between loud and soft, fast and slow, insistent and thoughtful, name your opposites, there is a place for them in music (and life). And there is a mystical quality in number 5. I remember being in an outdoor drum jam at the University of Oregon when we were in a nice easy groove. Something shifted in the wind, the leaves started rustling, clouds started blowing in and that change in the weather got reflected in the drums. It was like a brush fire and we all got swept along in the natural change in the molecules; before long we were ripping along like a hurricane. It just happened and people followed the energy. Not a word was spoken, it didn't need to be.
It's hard to change. We get locked into our pattens, tape loops and prejudices and it becomes easy to tailor one's perceptions to conform to our pre-formed ideas. One of the ways in which I don't change is when I start judging others and forget to exemine my own behavior and thoughts. I'm guessing that I'm not alone in that particular conceit. It's just easier to blame others, to be triggered by others, to want to change the other. It's much harder to say, 'OK, what am I doing that is continuing this pattern?' Is there a way for me to alter my behavior or my judgments? Can I grow into something more than I am? Am I willing to do that work? Am I willing to change?
M and I have been going around and around on the alcohol topic. We get stuck in a familiar argument that frustrates her and brings out my stubbornness. I'm just not ready to let it go,,, and in saying that last sentence, I got a pinprick sensation that says, um Rich, maybe you need to let it go. 'But I don't want to let it go' says the counter argument. 'I'm doing it for her' he continues unconvincingly. 'She's not happy in this pattern, how can I help her to change it' (he continues with the focus once again on 'the other' instead of on myself where it belongs).
I think I need to just back off and (gulp) trust her. Because when I persist and insist, she just reacts and goes into her pattern, her denial, the walls come up, nothing good happens. And maybe it's not about the 'outcome', but more about the process. In the rarefied world of my little corner of cyberspace, I have clarity and I can sense the truth. There is something for me to learn here and I got a flash of it in that little pinprick. (deep exhalation just now). I can change my behavior, why not? I'm sick of the argument too. Let's shine a different light. I'm willing...
I'm thinking of principle number 5 today, which has always had a bit of mystery attached to it. Before I dig in, let me quickly list the four which precede it.
1 Music is a 'spiritual opportunity'. You give it your best effort. Pieces begin and end in silence, thereby distinguishing them from the noise of everyday sound. Each musical gathering offers a chance for profound spiritual connection, with one another and maybe with something deeper.
2 You need to be able to 'copy someone else' in music, join with their rhythm or feeling or melody. Like water, you need to be able to 'take the shape of the vessel'. The ability to join someone else's idea is a vital musical skill.
3. 'Rhythmic integrity'.... Can you hold down a part so that another person can use your solid base to build something else, take a solo, add a counterpoint, find a complement. These things can only happen if you can hold on to your part. People are 'counting' on you.
4. 'listening and silence' within the musical conversation. Nothing is worse than the guy who won't leave room for others to find a spot. The 'more cowbell' guy from that skit is a good example. Or the drummer who overpowers with sixteenth notes, or the person who talks too much and doesn't let anyone else get a word in. You need silence within the music to foster dialogue and participation.
5. 'Dynamics and the willingness to change'. Music is only captivating if it moves between loud and soft, fast and slow, insistent and thoughtful, name your opposites, there is a place for them in music (and life). And there is a mystical quality in number 5. I remember being in an outdoor drum jam at the University of Oregon when we were in a nice easy groove. Something shifted in the wind, the leaves started rustling, clouds started blowing in and that change in the weather got reflected in the drums. It was like a brush fire and we all got swept along in the natural change in the molecules; before long we were ripping along like a hurricane. It just happened and people followed the energy. Not a word was spoken, it didn't need to be.
It's hard to change. We get locked into our pattens, tape loops and prejudices and it becomes easy to tailor one's perceptions to conform to our pre-formed ideas. One of the ways in which I don't change is when I start judging others and forget to exemine my own behavior and thoughts. I'm guessing that I'm not alone in that particular conceit. It's just easier to blame others, to be triggered by others, to want to change the other. It's much harder to say, 'OK, what am I doing that is continuing this pattern?' Is there a way for me to alter my behavior or my judgments? Can I grow into something more than I am? Am I willing to do that work? Am I willing to change?
M and I have been going around and around on the alcohol topic. We get stuck in a familiar argument that frustrates her and brings out my stubbornness. I'm just not ready to let it go,,, and in saying that last sentence, I got a pinprick sensation that says, um Rich, maybe you need to let it go. 'But I don't want to let it go' says the counter argument. 'I'm doing it for her' he continues unconvincingly. 'She's not happy in this pattern, how can I help her to change it' (he continues with the focus once again on 'the other' instead of on myself where it belongs).
I think I need to just back off and (gulp) trust her. Because when I persist and insist, she just reacts and goes into her pattern, her denial, the walls come up, nothing good happens. And maybe it's not about the 'outcome', but more about the process. In the rarefied world of my little corner of cyberspace, I have clarity and I can sense the truth. There is something for me to learn here and I got a flash of it in that little pinprick. (deep exhalation just now). I can change my behavior, why not? I'm sick of the argument too. Let's shine a different light. I'm willing...
'Kick for Christmas'
I'm thinking about my buddy JP Scofield this Christmas morning. He wrote my favorite Christmas song ever, I think, entitled 'Kick for Christmas'. It's a gritty rhythm and blues number about a couple of kids' truest wish for Christmas, that their mom stop using heroin and come home. I was wanting to hear it this morning and I found it online. Please check it out as you're reading this post. Here's the link:
vimeo.com/11832078
JP was the bass player, vocalist and one of the songwriters of the Eugene based Whopner County Country Allstars (that's not a typo, just a strange quirky name and he was a quirky songwriter) He just had a sense about him that was slightly askew; he'd throw in these lyrical surprises that would often make me smile. And oh my God, could the man sing! Every time I'd see him, not that often, we'd smile, exchange a greeting, chat a bit, and we clearly had respect and good feeling for one another. JP killed himself a few months ago, he battled depression, he was a regular at AA, he tried all kinds of ways to overcome his problem, and then blew his brains out when he had had enough. I miss him today, Christmas.
And I'm like a character in a Christmas blues this morning, heart kinda broken, back at the internet cafe trying to once again tell the truth, write the truth as my survival mechanism. I'm talking about emotional survival, nothing physical or scary, don't get me wrong. But I had a miserable time between the hours of 3am and 6am (the alcohol abuse hours), not my alcohol abuse of course, but that of a certain woman who I care about a lot, and this morning was a huge step in the wrong direction. And now I'm in that zone of 'I was a fool to care', or 'how naive can I be?' or 'what was I thinking?'. But the good news is that these feelings, these heartaches are temporary (though powerful), and I feel like I have a really reliable way of working the feelings through... by writing about them and watching them evolve (hopefully). Hey it's a theory....
And in fact, there's so much to be said for keeping the rhythm going, stopping in for my heartbreak cappuccino, could hardly speak, N asked what's wrong? Melly Kissmess, why you sad? She feels like a friend, it's nice, especially on the other side of the world from my community. And then head over to the internet place like I do every day, and there's a little lightness of being in the knowledge that whatever is going on in my mind is somehow transformed by the act of writing about it. There's a certain amount of comfort in that knowledge. I'm not going to spend the day helplessly brooding, crying, wondering... I'd rather spend it uncovering. This process seems to disempower the feelings, trump them, if you will, as if no matter what is going on, I have the opportunity to describe it, approach it, transform it.
The specifics aren't that important, and I'd just as soon not cast M in a bad light. Christmas Eve was a big night in the bar, they stayed open real late, til like 5 am, she has an ex recently back in town, he's an alcoholic, so naturally they went for a drink after work, and she was gonna come over after that... (drunk at 6am or so). Not what I'm looking for, especially in light of our recent promises... mine to trust and accept, hers to cut down on tobacco and alcohol. How long did that last? 2 and a half days? like I say, naive on my part, but I did my best. I was ready to leave the bar after playing music until 1:30 and I could see what was developing. The ex is hanging around, they haven't really had a chance to talk, the handwriting was on the walls. It was really hard for me to leave. A big part of me wanted to have a little chat with him along the lines of 'I'm really attached to this woman... she's trying to not be drinking a lot... can you respect that? But that would have been 'not trusting' and my promise and my agreement was to trust, so I fought the urge to 'do the jealous guy thing' and I exited the scene. M is like, 'Don't worry about Dennis, I'll see you later'. She usually gets to my place around 3, but I figured it might be later due to Xmas on a Saturday night and a day off for the bar on Sunday. I know they tend to stay open later in that situation.
But I was extremely anxious back in my room, tried to read, tried to sleep, my heart was going a mile a minute. At around 5am, I figured what the hell, maybe the bar is still open? Walked over there to see Jeff and Dau just locking up. They lookied at me with something like pity and concern, told me M and Dennis had walked around the corner for a drink. (no big surprise) I had to decide which way to go... back home or to the bar. Hell, let's get this over with, I walked around the corner... saw one of M's friends put her hand to her mouth when she realized that I had shown up, uh oh, this could be interesting. They had just arrived, she was surprised to see me.. the three of us went out into the street for a conversation. They were both fairly drunk, not staggering but not too far away from that. And then I get to see the drunk M and it's just not appealing. She gets back into that 'I'm a bad girl' mode, isn't able to listen, isn't able to cop to the fact that she didn't do what she agreed on. It just sucks to see someone you care about go down that road. I have no problem with the guy, he was honest and we would get along. But it was one of those Thailand triangles that you hear about a lot, and I was an unwitting and unwilling participant. One of the funniest moments (OK the only funny moment) was when this European guy was driving slowly past and he rolls down the window to say, that's how the Thai women are, it's a different culture. Actually, there's nothing funny about it, but it was an apt comment, well timed and delivered in a Swedish accent. All the world's a stage...
She said, I said I was coming to see you...and he corroborated that. I said, if you're coming, come now. She said no, I said, goodnight, don't come. Just another night it Thailand, it happens all the time. I went home, slept a tiny bit, a few hours maybe, and now it's Christmas Day... and so this is Christmas.... I'll see what happens, will give her some space. If she has it in her to contact me and apologize, I will accept and see what happens from there. We were getting really close (he said naively) so it's hard to imagine that she's ready to just cut me loose. I don't feel ready yet to cut her loose... though I probably should. But I'm gonna play out this story, learn what it is I need to learn, maybe write my own Christmas blues (I have that instinct) and vamos a ver. My heart feels good at the moment.... gonna swim, sleep, soldier on. Thinking of you, JP. Thanks for an awesome song...
rich
vimeo.com/11832078
JP was the bass player, vocalist and one of the songwriters of the Eugene based Whopner County Country Allstars (that's not a typo, just a strange quirky name and he was a quirky songwriter) He just had a sense about him that was slightly askew; he'd throw in these lyrical surprises that would often make me smile. And oh my God, could the man sing! Every time I'd see him, not that often, we'd smile, exchange a greeting, chat a bit, and we clearly had respect and good feeling for one another. JP killed himself a few months ago, he battled depression, he was a regular at AA, he tried all kinds of ways to overcome his problem, and then blew his brains out when he had had enough. I miss him today, Christmas.
And I'm like a character in a Christmas blues this morning, heart kinda broken, back at the internet cafe trying to once again tell the truth, write the truth as my survival mechanism. I'm talking about emotional survival, nothing physical or scary, don't get me wrong. But I had a miserable time between the hours of 3am and 6am (the alcohol abuse hours), not my alcohol abuse of course, but that of a certain woman who I care about a lot, and this morning was a huge step in the wrong direction. And now I'm in that zone of 'I was a fool to care', or 'how naive can I be?' or 'what was I thinking?'. But the good news is that these feelings, these heartaches are temporary (though powerful), and I feel like I have a really reliable way of working the feelings through... by writing about them and watching them evolve (hopefully). Hey it's a theory....
And in fact, there's so much to be said for keeping the rhythm going, stopping in for my heartbreak cappuccino, could hardly speak, N asked what's wrong? Melly Kissmess, why you sad? She feels like a friend, it's nice, especially on the other side of the world from my community. And then head over to the internet place like I do every day, and there's a little lightness of being in the knowledge that whatever is going on in my mind is somehow transformed by the act of writing about it. There's a certain amount of comfort in that knowledge. I'm not going to spend the day helplessly brooding, crying, wondering... I'd rather spend it uncovering. This process seems to disempower the feelings, trump them, if you will, as if no matter what is going on, I have the opportunity to describe it, approach it, transform it.
The specifics aren't that important, and I'd just as soon not cast M in a bad light. Christmas Eve was a big night in the bar, they stayed open real late, til like 5 am, she has an ex recently back in town, he's an alcoholic, so naturally they went for a drink after work, and she was gonna come over after that... (drunk at 6am or so). Not what I'm looking for, especially in light of our recent promises... mine to trust and accept, hers to cut down on tobacco and alcohol. How long did that last? 2 and a half days? like I say, naive on my part, but I did my best. I was ready to leave the bar after playing music until 1:30 and I could see what was developing. The ex is hanging around, they haven't really had a chance to talk, the handwriting was on the walls. It was really hard for me to leave. A big part of me wanted to have a little chat with him along the lines of 'I'm really attached to this woman... she's trying to not be drinking a lot... can you respect that? But that would have been 'not trusting' and my promise and my agreement was to trust, so I fought the urge to 'do the jealous guy thing' and I exited the scene. M is like, 'Don't worry about Dennis, I'll see you later'. She usually gets to my place around 3, but I figured it might be later due to Xmas on a Saturday night and a day off for the bar on Sunday. I know they tend to stay open later in that situation.
But I was extremely anxious back in my room, tried to read, tried to sleep, my heart was going a mile a minute. At around 5am, I figured what the hell, maybe the bar is still open? Walked over there to see Jeff and Dau just locking up. They lookied at me with something like pity and concern, told me M and Dennis had walked around the corner for a drink. (no big surprise) I had to decide which way to go... back home or to the bar. Hell, let's get this over with, I walked around the corner... saw one of M's friends put her hand to her mouth when she realized that I had shown up, uh oh, this could be interesting. They had just arrived, she was surprised to see me.. the three of us went out into the street for a conversation. They were both fairly drunk, not staggering but not too far away from that. And then I get to see the drunk M and it's just not appealing. She gets back into that 'I'm a bad girl' mode, isn't able to listen, isn't able to cop to the fact that she didn't do what she agreed on. It just sucks to see someone you care about go down that road. I have no problem with the guy, he was honest and we would get along. But it was one of those Thailand triangles that you hear about a lot, and I was an unwitting and unwilling participant. One of the funniest moments (OK the only funny moment) was when this European guy was driving slowly past and he rolls down the window to say, that's how the Thai women are, it's a different culture. Actually, there's nothing funny about it, but it was an apt comment, well timed and delivered in a Swedish accent. All the world's a stage...
She said, I said I was coming to see you...and he corroborated that. I said, if you're coming, come now. She said no, I said, goodnight, don't come. Just another night it Thailand, it happens all the time. I went home, slept a tiny bit, a few hours maybe, and now it's Christmas Day... and so this is Christmas.... I'll see what happens, will give her some space. If she has it in her to contact me and apologize, I will accept and see what happens from there. We were getting really close (he said naively) so it's hard to imagine that she's ready to just cut me loose. I don't feel ready yet to cut her loose... though I probably should. But I'm gonna play out this story, learn what it is I need to learn, maybe write my own Christmas blues (I have that instinct) and vamos a ver. My heart feels good at the moment.... gonna swim, sleep, soldier on. Thinking of you, JP. Thanks for an awesome song...
rich
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